Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Tells You How to Do Your Job
Transcript
- Lucas: So here's a scenario I hear a lot: you're good at your job — maybe great at it — but your boss keeps telling you how to do it. Not just the what, but the how. The exact steps. The specific tool. The order of operations. Luna: Right, the classic 'I know you've done this for five years, but let me walk you through it' approach. Lucas: Exactly. And it's tricky, because the boss might genuinely think they're being helpful. But the effect is that you feel distrusted, and your autonomy erodes. There's actually a 2022 study in the Journal of Applied Psychology that found this kind of behavior — telling someone how to do their job step by step — is one of the strongest predictors of disengagement. Luna: And it's different from the classic micromanager who checks every email or wants hourly updates. This is more about method control. Lucas: Right. And the challenge is, you can't just say, 'Back off, I know what I'm doing.' That tends to backfire. So the question is: how do you create enough trust that your boss stops directing your process? Luna: I'd love to hear a concrete example. Lucas: So there's a case I read about from a marketing manager at a mid-sized tech company. Let's call her Priya. Her boss would literally rewrite her email drafts — not the content, but the subject line, the greeting, the closing. Every single time. And Priya had been writing business emails for eight years. Luna: Oof. That's the kind of thing that makes you want to scream. Lucas: Yeah. And Priya tried a few things. First, she set up a weekly 15-minute check-in where she would present her plan for the next week's communications. She'd say, 'Here's the three emails I'm sending. Here's the subject line I'm proposing. Any concerns before I hit send?' That flipped the dynamic from reactive correction to proactive alignment. Luna: So she gave him a window to intervene before the work was done, rather than after. Lucas: Exactly. And over time, the boss started saying, 'Looks fine, go ahead.' The need to rewrite dropped. Because the boss felt included in the process, even though Priya was still the one making the decisions. Luna: That's smart. You're basically creating a structured space for their control impulse, so it doesn't spill into everything else. Lucas: Right. And there's a second tactic that works well when the boss gives unsolicited advice on your specific methods. You can say something like, 'I appreciate the suggestion. Let me try it on this next project and report back.' That acknowledges their input without committing to change your entire workflow. Luna: You're not rejecting them, but you're also not handing over the keys. Lucas: Exactly. And if they keep pushing, you can use what some communication coaches call the 'I-triangle' — you state your intent, your process, and your openness. So, 'I want to make sure this report is clear and accurate. I plan to use the template I developed last quarter because it passed audit. But if you see a specific section that needs adjustment, I'm happy to tweak it.' Luna: That's really specific. I can see how that reframes it from 'you vs. me' to 'we both want a good outcome.' Lucas: Right. And it gives the boss a narrow, defined place to give input, rather than a blank canvas. A study from Harvard Business Review a few years ago found that employees who used this kind of structured communication reported 40% less friction with directive bosses. Luna: I want to jump in with a real example from a different field. A friend of mine is a surgical nurse, and she had a surgeon who would tell her exactly how to hand him instruments — even though she'd been doing it for a decade. She eventually wrote out her standard procedure in a one-page document and said, 'I use this method because it's the most efficient for the flow of the operation. If you prefer a different technique for a specific step, just let me know beforehand.' Lucas: And what happened? Luna: He read it, nodded, and never corrected her again. Because she had documented her competence. Lucas: That's the third tactic I wanted to highlight: document your process proactively. If your boss sees that you have a clear, logical method, they're less likely to insert their own. It's like you're saying, 'I've thought this through. Here's my system.' Luna: And it's not defensive. It's just transparent. Lucas: If today's episode helped you think about how to handle a directive boss, we want you to know that the reason this show stays ad-free is because of listeners who choose to support it. You can do that at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That's one way to keep these conversations going without any commercial breaks. Luna: Yeah, it's a small gesture that makes a big difference for us. And we really appreciate it. Lucas: So for Priya, the marketing manager, it took about six weeks of consistent check-ins before her boss stopped rewriting her emails. The key was not to make it a one-time fix but to build a new pattern. Luna: And I think that's the hard part — it requires patience. Because the instinct is to push back hard the first time. Lucas: Right. But pushing back hard tends to escalate. The smarter move is to create a structure that makes the boss's intervention unnecessary. And that takes time. Luna: What about when the boss is genuinely wrong about the method? Like, they're suggesting something that will actually make your work worse? Lucas: That's a great question. In that case, you want to test their suggestion in a small, low-risk way. You can say, 'Let me try that on this one task and see how it goes. I'll report back.' That way, you're not rejecting it outright, and you might gather data to show why your method works better. Luna: And if their method fails, you have evidence. If it works, you've learned something. Lucas: Exactly. It's a win-win. And it shows you're open-minded, which builds trust over time. Luna: I think the underlying theme here is that a boss who tells you how to do your job is often anxious about losing control. And your job is to reassure them without giving up your autonomy. Lucas: That's a perfect summary. It's not about winning a battle. It's about managing their anxiety by being proactive, transparent, and structured. Luna: And if none of that works? Lucas: Then you might have a boss who is fundamentally unable to delegate. And that's a bigger problem — one that might require a conversation about role clarity or, in some cases, a lateral move. Luna: Right. Because at some point, if they can't let go of the how, you're not really doing your job — you're just executing their instructions. Lucas: And that's not sustainable. So try these tactics first. Give it a few weeks. If nothing changes, it might be time for a different kind of conversation — one about trust and autonomy directly. Luna: Well, that's a lot to think about. Thanks, Lucas. Lucas: Thanks, Luna. Talk to you next time.