Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / CHOOSE YOU in relationships & divorce - part 2

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CHOOSE YOU in relationships & divorce - part 2 · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is the fourth and kind of final part in a four-part mini series.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: The first two being around self-abandonment, healing from self-abandonment, and the second two being about choosing ourselves.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So this is the second choose you.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: So this is part two of choose you.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you haven't listened to the other episodes, I really encourage you to go back and listen and then come back to this one.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: It'll make more sense to you that way.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can, of course, listen to this as a standalone, but yeah, to get the full impact, the full story, I really encourage you to go back and listen through self-abandonment, healing from self-abandonment, and then the two episodes, part one and part two of choose you.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get into it.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because for so many in my community, so many of my clients, so many of my friends, family members, this is time.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's time.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to choose, and it's time to choose us.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to choose ourselves, it's time to choose you.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: There comes a time, and if you're listening to this, especially if you've already listened to the previous episodes, you'll know.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Or I know that it's time, and now is your time.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: There comes, there comes a time, I think, for many of us, for all of us, it's like a reckoning, a time when we really go deep and question all the lessons, all the stories, overt, subliminal, conscious, subconscious, all the things we've been taught about how we should in inverted commas be, how we should be, how we should move through our lives, and how we should behave, and how those stories and lessons and learnings continue to impact us every single day.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: There comes a time when we question them.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be a slow dawning, or it can be a single what the moment.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: But for many of us, there comes a time when we realize that it's actually past time, we're over it, we're done, and we're ready to shake off, to shed, to rewrite the st stories, to burn stuff down, and to choose the next chapter, to choose the next chapter for ourselves.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna guess that by this time in your life, you you know you better than anyone else.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: You you know what you like, you know what's important to you, and you know what you want.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you know what you're dreaming of, what you're hoping for, you know what you believe, you know what you you know what you know to be true.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know the kind of person that you already are, and you know the kind of person you most want to be and grow into and become.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So you know who and what you want to surround yourself with.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know where you know where you're headed, or you've got some idea about where you're headed, even if you're not quite sure how.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're not quite sure of the how, you're not quite sure how you'll get there, but you have some idea, some understanding, some concept of where you're headed, you know.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't know consciously or clearly, you know intuitively, underneath all the layers, you know.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you think you don't know, you know.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if you feel if you feel that you don't know, then this realization, this moment kind of affords you the opportunity to reclaim that for yourself, to reclaim your knowing, to strip back all the stories, all the layers, and reclaim that for yourself, and to choose.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: When you choose yourself, that's a reclamation.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: There's a reclamation, it's a celebration, it's an honoring, it's a celebration, and there will also be loss.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you choose yourself, yes, some things get released.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: You let go of some things, you release some things, you burn some things down.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Other people, other people will feel, may feel triggered, activated, challenged.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: They'll respond and react and push back, they'll question.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: They may be sh shocked or surprised at the changes in you, at the changes in your demeanor, your behavior, your your willingness to just go along.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: They will be pushed and nudged and triggered, they will feel challenged and they will respond and push back and question, as I said.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And those relationships, relationships will change.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Some for the better, some some will meet you, but others will be released, be let go, be shifted and challenged, and the relationship will break down and and you will move on, move away from it.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: You will discover who matters most, who matters most to you, who means the most to you, and you will find that not everyone will remain as a part of your inner circle.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Not everyone is actually worthy of being in your inner circle.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you choose you, that inner circle shifts.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: The your relationships shift, the dynamics shift, and who makes up your inner circle can shift.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: But your people will hold you, your people will find you and they will celebrate your choosing of yourself.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Your people will stay.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps they never were, but as you shift and change and grow into yourself and choose yourself, your people will change.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: So when you do choose you, when you're ready, when that realization comes and you know it's time, when you choose you, some things will be lost.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Some things, including relationships, will be burned down.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, that has to be okay, it's part of the process, and it's welcome.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's beautifully welcome.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's a rebirth, a shift, a change, a growth.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you choose you, you become your own biggest fan.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: You become your own biggest fan, your biggest cheerleader, your biggest nurturer, your biggest supporter, your greatest fan.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: You celebrate your wins and your achievements, no matter how big or small.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, you celebrate your choosing of yourself.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: You celebrate choosing you every single day, in every moment, in every day.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because choosing you is worthy of celebration, because it's not easy, it's not always simple.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: There is complexity, there is shadow and light in choose in our choosing of ourselves, and so that choosing is worthy of celebration.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Be your own biggest fan.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: When you choose yourself, you also acknowledge that light and shadow.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: You acknowledge mistakes and mess ups and missteps, accepting them as just one part of your life.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: You don't attach too much meaning to mistakes.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know that those shadows don't define you but are simply one part of your whole.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you know that not everyone is going to like, agree, love, accept, embrace you.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: They're not all going to accept your decisions, and that too is okay.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's more than okay because by choosing you, you are welcoming in those who also fully embrace and choose you, and releasing yourself from those who don't.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: By choosing you, you also choose to find your own peace, to find your own validation, to find love and acceptance and belonging internally within yourself.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: One thing I love about choosing me is that when we choose ourselves, we not only get to drive the bus, we also become chief navigator.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: We are in total control of our lives, of our decisions.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: It is your life, your decision, your choice.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're in control of your feelings, your responses.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that means you're in control of your happiness, your joy, your fulfillment.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: They are all yours.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not a white knuckling of control, it's not a holding on so tightly to everything and controlling everything that I'm talking about here.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the freedom to choose yourself, to drive the bus, to navigate, to steer, and to, and that's really empowering.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's freeing.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not that white knuckle control that I'm talking about.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because control, I think, gets a bad rap.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, control, think, think of the term control freak.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what I'm talking about.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Control means freedom, it means owning all of you, all of your decisions, and as I said, driving the bus and navigating and steering.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: All of the decisions are yours, therefore, the outcome is yours too.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: The wins are yours, the the mistakes are yours, the missteps, the detours, they're all yours.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: When you choose yourself, you've also 100% got your own back.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: You welcome others in.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: You invite in, call in, and connect with others who also have your own back.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: They also have your back.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: You welcome in those who are truly worthy to be close to you, to hold you, and you also hold them.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: You welcome in those who are really worthy to be in that inner circle, that inner sanctum, while at the same time honouring your own independence and freedom, knowing that you can depend on yourself for everything, and still accept and welcome in love, nurture, care, support, and help.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself, choosing freedom, choosing sovereignty, choosing independence, choosing you.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's when I talk about this, I'm not talking about that fierce independence that is born of fear.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: That fierce independence that is a wounded response or a trauma response.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about the fierce independence, the fear that's born of the fear of being let down or rejected or asking for something that's not forthcoming or not being delivered.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's the false BS independence story of I can't trust anyone, so I'm perfectly happy flying solo.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need anyone.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about that.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself feeds an independence fueled by a deep, deep inner trust, inner self-trust.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: When you choose yourself, you choose to trust.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: You choose to trust yourself.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: You've got your own back.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can hold space for yourself.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like and trust yourself.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: So choosing yourself is an acknowledgement of your own self-confidence, your inner confidence, your inner trust, your inner belief, your inner faith, whatever you want to call it.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself means that you might, actually, you will, because we all do.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself means knowing that you'll fall, that you'll fail, that you'll make a mistake, but you have the capacity to pick yourself up again and again.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself means you do accept and honor those mistakes and the sidesteps.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: As I said before, just one part of your story.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: But you know that you have the resources internally and the capacity to call on external resources to recover and rebound.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: So choosing yourself means holding space for yourself, honoring yourself, knowing that you have freedom and independence, but it also means choosing who to allow in, who to call closer, who to bond and connect with.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, you're also beautifully, perfectly okay flying solo.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: So choosing yourself is that duality, is that shadow and light.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself also means you will never give up on yourself.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: You acknowledge at your deepest, most fundamental, core soul level that you're worthy.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're worthy of anything you choose, anything you desire.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so you don't have a need to prove or earn or grow or reclaim your self-worth.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: You honor, you know at that deep core level that you were born worthy.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: So choosing yourself means you own that innate self-worth.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you will never minimize or hide or give that away.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: You'll never make yourself small.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself means knowing that you will never shut down or give up on yourself.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: It means standing in your power, and so it means walking away from things that don't want or allow you to show up as your whole self, your authentic self, your true self, the whole lot of woman you are.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: You walk away from things that ask you either either overtly or subconsciously, subliminally.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: You walk away from things that ask you to hold back.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you means sometimes walking away.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: It definitely means saying no.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: It can mean releasing and letting go even or especially when that hurts.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: It means saying no even when it's hard to say no or it hurts to say no.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's choosing you.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you means you know that staying anywhere, a room, a space, a job, a relationship that asks you to make yourself smaller, minimize yourself, abandon yourself, betray yourself is not something that you can do.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Even if the pain of walking away from that job, walking out of that room, walking away from that relationship is great, you understand by choosing you, you understand that the grief, the sadness, the loss of staying is far worse than that pain of walking away.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: So choosing you means absolutely 100% showing up as your F-bomb, best, wildest, brightest, shiniest, highest self every single day.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Shining your brightest every day, everywhere, and not allowing or accepting anything that dims that energy, that dims that light to come close to you.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you means therefore holding really healthy boundaries around your time, around your body, around your energy, around your resources, around your money, and around your heart.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you means holding healthy boundaries around you, around your heart, around your soul.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because choosing you means saying hell yes or hell no.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because if it's not a whole lot of hell yes, if it's not an empowered, not empowered, if it's not an impassioned and full body hell yes, it's a no.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: No thanks, not now, that's not for me.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: No, and when it is a wholehearted yes, when it is that full body yes, you know you're choosing all in because you're choosing you.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself also means treating yourself as sacred.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: You honor yourself, you are your own number one, and you treat yourself as your first priority, guilt-free.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: And as women, with all the layers and all the stories, and all the conditioning and all the BS we're fed, this is hard.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: And as mothers, that adds an extra layer.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you means you treat yourself as sacred, you honor yourself, you are your own number one, you are your first priority, you nurture, protect, and make space for yourself.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: You release yourself from the need to please others because you know that pleasing yourself, holding to your truth, holding to what's right for you is it's the only authentic way forward.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself means you own that.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: You own your own pleasure, you own your own desires, you make your needs a priority, you honor your desires, and you refuse to minimize, push away, push down, ignore, deflect, or postpone whatever, any of it.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: You make yourself a priority and you treat and honor yourself as the sacred soul that you are.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself means holding to and speaking your truth.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: It means releasing yourself from that ruminating, churning, procrastinating, doubting, second-guessing thing that happens in your head.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you means speaking your truth regardless of how difficult it is, regardless of fear, regardless of the stories that are playing out in your head.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you means you speak your truth without hooking into those stories, without hooking into what others think or feel or believe about your truth.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: You speak your truth from a place of deep, deep self-trust and deep self-knowing anchored in your power, knowing your value, you lean into that unshakable sense of self-trust and speak your truth.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now that doesn't mean you're brutal and you're cruel and you speak without thought.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what I'm saying here.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: But speaking, sorry, choosing you means not staying quiet, means speaking your truth, means communicating from your true self, from your authentic self.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you also means you know you don't have to always speak.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know you don't have to, or you no longer choose to speak in places, rooms, relationships that don't see or hear you fully.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something, if I'm really honest, I am still learning.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm unpacking that and I'm learning it, and I'm you know a few steps ahead of some.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: But this is a recent learning for me.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you means you don't always have to speak.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to speak where your voice is not honored.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to speak in places or spaces that don't see you fully.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: In all of your wisdom, your power, your sovereignty, as the whole lot of woman you are, choosing yourself can.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: mean silence over voice.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself can mean choosing silence over speaking.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Walking away honoring your voice by sharing it only with those who also honour.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I touched on this earlier but let's let's be real here.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: Let's be open and honest because often choosing yourself will not feel easy and it won't feel comfortable because of all those stories all those layers all the all that conditioning choosing you is a process and a and an unlearning as much as as it is a learning choosing ourselves choosing you is choosing to abandon release let go of burn down all of those teachings all of those stories we're fed as girls and young women even the stories we're told about how midlife or older women should look or be or or behave choosing you means letting go of those releasing yourself from them unpacking the layers peeling all the all the conditioning back and getting back to who you are who you are at your core at your authentic self getting rid of all the bullshit and coming home to yourself that's choosing you and sometimes choosing you feels really hard really vulnerable and really really bloody uncomfortable choosing you is a revolutionary moment of rebellion it's pushing back against all those things we're told all the all all that stuff we're told not to do or to do to be to have all the things we should believe and be and all the ways we should behave choosing you is going to break some things down.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you is going to burn some stuff choosing is going to release you from some things and choosing you might be no choosing you is likely to be uncomfortable and maybe painful.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay because it's breaking down burning and releasing you from the things that don't work for you anymore.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's burning down what's already broken.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you is breaking down burning down what doesn't work for you what doesn't serve you what doesn't uplift you what doesn't hold you and empower and enable you to move forward and really embrace all of who you are once you choose yourself there's no going back because choosing you means loving yourself on a really deep deep level choosing you means loving yourself like everything your life your future your happiness choosing you means loving yourself like everything depends on it.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because it does it really really does at this point in my life I'm done I'm done with the stories I'm done with the shoulds I'm really well done with choosing because someone else has written the script and I actually had to hit pause there pause the recording which you may or may not have heard but pause the recording because that's part of the reason my marriage did not last one reason.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's a multitude I know but I chose I chose to be the driver of my own life I chose to step out of something because I was in the sidecar.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: I chose to step out of someone else's story and write my own I'm well done with settling for what others think is good or right or for me I'm done with being told what's best for me and I'm obviously well ready to choose and I choose me.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: I choose me every single time and what about you my lovelies?
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: What about you?
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready to choose?
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready to really consciously choose how this next season of your life will look and feel to choose intentionally to choose unapologetically you it's not going to be easy it's not always going to feel comfortable and sometimes it's going to feel lonely and that is why I have launched a beautiful self-love coaching bundle which I would love for you to access it's for a limited time limited spaces all of the details will be in the show notes.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you direct access with me one-on-one intimate coaching time and follow-up support to do some of this work to intentionally consciously unapologetically go deep on the self-love and choose you it's for anyone in a relationship that doesn't feel fabulous or that where you're not feeling fully seen fully heard fully held it's for you if you're feeling unsettled or uncertain in your relationship or your marriage and you're asking all the questions all the same questions on loop without finding the answers it's for you if you're navigating moving through separation or divorce or solo afterwards and wanting to recalibrate and reset and it's also for you if you're calling in your person you're seeking your person and wondering if this time next year you'll still be single or still asking all the questions about relationships.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you can be a lonely place which is why I'm offering this special bundle.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're ready to choose grab a spot I would love to support you as I said to choose you.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for sharing your time and your space with me and I hope you've gained something some insight from this episode and if it's not for you share it with a girlfriend that you know would love some of this stuff or who needs some of this stuff.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time I'm Sally Ann Hartnell Relationship Coach and you've been listening to Reflect, reclaim and liberate.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoach and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode please please share it with them.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: Until then