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Episode 73: Why Self Awareness isn't enough · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  Speaker 1: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So join me, jenna Zint, habit Coach, teacher and Follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Habit Lab.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: I am Jenna Zint.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: I am doing an episode on the difference between being emotionally intelligent and emotionally aware and I think a lot of times we superimpose no, sorry, we almost make them synonymous where, if you're aware, that means that you're healthy and intelligent.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: But I think that awareness alone isn't actually equate to health.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: So I did a little bit of research and a little bit of like.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: I was like, well, how do they define emotional intelligence?
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: Like, how does, how do the experts out there define it?
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: And then I'm going to speak to a little bit of my experience of like, oh my gosh, when this is off, what is awareness versus intelligent, versus health?
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: And just even noticing like, where, cause, there's like five areas that they define emotionally intelligent and being emotionally healthy or, gosh, gosh, having emotional fortitude, which is's actually that would be probably maybe like being a little judgmental and catty about it, but I'd say, on the healthy perspective, I love that it's becoming a focus and being like, hey, it's not only important to be spiritually healthy and physically healthy, like mind, body and soul, like there's this component too that we've been missing.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: So how do we nurture that?
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: But I think in that you know how knowledge doesn't make you an expert or really great.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: I think sometimes, and I'm totally guilty of this as well, but like I know about it, therefore I am healthy or I don't know.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: Mature versus awareness is not the same, and knowledge is not the same of actually implementation and having it up and running in your life.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: So the point is not to call anybody out, but it was like in my own curiosity of like what does it actually mean to be thriving and healthy in these?
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: I'm just breaking it down a little bit and I bet I can't imagine I'm like I felt called out while I was thinking through some of these and I bet I can't imagine I'm like I felt called out while I was thinking through some of these.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: So, again, I bet there's some point that you're like okay, have some growth there.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: But kind of the myths, starting with the idea of the misconception.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: If I know myself well, then I must be emotionally intelligent.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: But they say that emotional intelligence is actually fivefold, like there's five components of it, and if you're missing one it can actually sabotage relationships.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: I found this great quote online self-awareness without self-regulation is like seeing the storm coming but never building a shelter.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: Oh, don't you feel called out by that?
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: Self-awareness without self-regulation is like seeing the storm coming but never building a shelter.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: So I think a lot of times I think of it honestly, like I've said before, like in my own brain, it's awareness leads to curiosity, leads to compassion, leads to actually freedom and healing and being able to change your behavior.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: So I really do think it starts with awareness.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: I think we can sometimes we can camp there too long and if we can name it, then that's what we think arriving looks like, or health, but the idea of like.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: Oh, actually we should grow curious as to why it's there and then be able to actually do something different, like not actually be at the mercy of the storm we see brewing, yeah.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: So what is emotional intelligence?
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: What is it really?
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: I would say that, oh, the five pillars that I found was self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: It'd be almost like a wheel, like a bike wheel.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: I know they have more than five spokes.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: But in your bike wheel, if one of your spokes breaks, the whole thing gets a little wobbly.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: And I think that is the difference between like, oh, it's not enough to just be aware, we have to have the awareness with the regulation piece, with the motivation to do something about it, piece with the empathy for others and our self piece, and then the skills are the actual like implementation doing.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: It's the external focus fruit of the awareness and the regulation and the motivation and the empathy.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: So the risk of the imbalance.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: One I went through and like kind of thought through, like what's the risk of being?
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: Two are just a high self-awareness or just a high empathy or just high motivation.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to go through and unpack them a little bit, piece by piece.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: So, potentially, if someone is highly self-aware, so knows what they need, knows what's happening, but low empathy, that means you know how you feel but you don't make room for others, like your experience or your feelings are the most important truth and get prioritized the most.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: Sometimes this could be like bulldozing, like I'm just being honest can make an excuse and it can also almost like make an excuse for not having strength in the empathy compartment, or even the skill compartment, like you can be so very self-aware, but your delivery and also your awareness of how your feelings or your state is impacting others, do you get it Anything overgrown, like one of these five overgrown or one of these five undergrown?
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: It becomes this imbalance that doesn't actually equate to health and thriving.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: Overall, high empathy but low self-regulation that would be.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: I was thinking of high self-awareness and low self-regulation.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: That would be like I know what I'm feeling and I'm making a mess through my feelings because I feel so mad.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: That's what we actually probably parent the most.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: I would say most parents are facing that with their kiddos.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: We talk all the time.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: You can feel your feelings, but you're absolutely responsible for making it to not make a mess through them.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: So that would be high self-awareness.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: Low self-regulation is when you make a mess through your feelings.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: You actually can't separate your feeling from self-control or managing what you do with those emotions.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: And that is not the same as shutting down or dismissing your emotions, but actually being able to feel them and still choose how you'll express them or show up in them.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: That's a big.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm saying that is the biggest thing we're going to deal with with parenting, but I think that's my biggest.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: That hurdle between self-awareness and then self-regulation feels like I don't know a thousand foot cliff.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: It's like such a big progress.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: But I think that, like the, I think some.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: The reason I wanted to look at all five is because sometimes we just camp at awareness and realizing there's actually more.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: It's not enough to just learn or be able to name things.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Are we progressing in the other areas too?
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: So high empathy, low self-regulation that means you can feel what other people feel, but you can't stay grounded in the middle of experiencing their experience.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: So that would be like.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: But you can't stay grounded in the middle of experiencing their experience.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: So that would be like maybe you have a strong no or yes but then someone feels really sad or really hurt or offended by your no or yes and you maybe change because you're more aware of how they're feeling than what your initial like internal yes or no was.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: It leads to like high empathy, low self-regulation could lead to burnout.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: It could lead to martyrdom.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I tease a lot that.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of people in our generation.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: I don't think it's our fault.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: I think the culture with the self-help movement and social media has made martyrdom and motherhood like so close, like you're doing it right if you are totally dead, like you gave it all and you're doing 100% if you are a dead mother Wow, that got a little dark, sorry, but noticing that high empathy, low self-regulation can be martyrdom or it could be a helicopter parent, like panic parenting, like they're not gonna be okay and like you can't actually manage your chaos in the middle of theirs.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: I like their chaos affects you and then gives you internal chaos.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I actually read somewhere about cause I have two children that are very big, feeling very low self-regulation and one of the things that was saying as a strategy for the parent is the best thing you could do is to actually stay so grounded in the middle of their storm because then they need you as an anchor to be able to find regulation.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: So the misstep maybe that I do more often is try to go to make use of a teaching moment.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Think like just being calm and steady isn't enough.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: But they talk about how, like your steadfastness actually gives them safety and I think sometimes we miss how helpful and essential that is and then we can move on to the next phase of parenting, which maybe would be having those teaching conversations but actually realizing that high empathy without the high self-regulation could actually create their chaos becomes your chaos.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: Next one would be high motivation.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: With low self-awareness, you hustle hard but you don't notice when you're emotionally shutting down or like you blow past your need.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: You hustle so hard, like you're so into hustle, you blow past all your limitations and needs and you go.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: You end up in burnout a lot, I would say.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: I know the last one was burnout.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: I feel like this is a different type of burnout because it's like the low self-awareness means you blow past the red flags of your body, being like I need sleep, I need introverted time, I need to not have a plan, I need a Sabbath, but it's like no, I'm getting these things done.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: It's like you're more goal-based.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: If you're listening to this and you resonate with that, I would go back and listen.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: I did a podcast earlier this spring about from hustle to trust, like lessons, and about learning to be God as your provider, or something like that.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: But that would actually correlate with a lot of what I have had to learn recently with.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: I'd probably fall into the high motivation, lower self-awareness or even just maybe I was aware but I had a lower value, like I thought my motivation trumped my needs, or self-awareness of my needs, okay.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: The next example of how if one of these is out of sync, how that's problematic, would be high social skills, low self-awareness you connect well, but you're disconnected from your own needs.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: This ends up with a lot of people pleasing.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: It's funny, as I'm reading these, remembering, I'm like, oh yeah, maybe I'm most of these you know, or I've been.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: I've been one of these out of whack pair pairings at some point in my adult life in the last five years, but it's high people pleasing and then slowly resentment builds up because you actually are more cognizant of people's withdrawals or requests of you than what you actually have to give.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: I would say this the high social skill, low self-awareness is the people who usually need to learn the importance of boundaries, not as a reaction Once you've blown past what you have to get, like an honest, what you have to give with your capacity, and it comes from a resentment and that's usually when it's no longer a boundary but it's more punishment.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: You know, like resentment is tangled in there.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: Okay, so, thinking about how you can grow and what you're missing, I think there's some simple habits to build like okay, so if you are low self-awareness, like habit wise, really going to make these offensively small.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: What are things you can do?
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: One is journaling and I don't think I think sometimes what I specifically like I actually have a whole, I call it an emotion habit.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: I'm going to make a course of it one day.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: I've taught it through my mastery course but it made me because I was low self-aware, I wasn't just.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: But I didn't find journaling helpful because I would just like, kind of I was like well, that was nonsensical dumping of my middle school self, like it just didn't feel like it got me anywhere.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: That was helpful.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: So, specifically with the self-awareness, with journaling, I don't just journal, I actually process my emotions.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: I've done this various ways, Like maybe I'll just literally be like what do I feel about today?
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: Like forward thinking, like I feel some fear about that.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: I feel joy about that.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: I feel some guilt that my house looks the way it does, like literally just the act of becoming present with myself one time a day led to the goal.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: Is that habit?
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: They start offensively small but there should be fruit in other areas when you consistently do it.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: It's like learning a new language of like noticing what they're called by purposely carving out a time where that's what I'm going after.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: So then it happens in real time.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: The more frequent I get.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: It's like learning another language.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: Another simple habit if you're lacking in self-awareness is I actually simply I'll pause to name the emotion.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: So, for instance, if I notice that I was combatively fighting someone in my head, I'm like ooh, ooh, ooh, instead of getting caught in logic land, what emotions like?
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: What are you experiencing right now?
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: Oh, I feel some anger.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's obvious.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: What else Like?
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: Oh, I'm actually feeling a little fear of being misunderstood.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: What else?
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: Feeling a little guilt, because I did miss it with communication there.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: So I see how I played into their reaction, whatever.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: But my point is actually just thinking through in the moment, noticing things.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: I'm like oh, what emotion am I feeling?
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: And it's shocking.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: I would have thought again all or nothing mentality.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: I would have thought that quickly, just naming it would not have done much, but it helped.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: It does find a bit of regulation in the moment and then it really just increased my awareness of my emotions so that I didn't have to do to think oh, what emotion are you feeling, jenna?
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: Like if I was talking to someone who's learning a new language.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: It was like, oh, I'm feeling fear, like, oh, just like when I'm learning French the more I practice, the more I notice that's the word for soccer, or that's the word for little girl.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: It's like this repetition and pausing to name it helps create this new pathway in your brain that increases your self-awareness.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: If you're low in self-regulation, if you realize that's not your strength, I think it's super helpful.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: Breath work Um, I actually will.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: I do most of my quiet times or even worship times before at literally church or any moment that I'm going to have like changing gears majorly.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: I'll do about a minute of box breathing so that I become present.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: I stopped thinking about what I've come from.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: I'm not worrying about where I'm headed, I actually just use it to become present in my body.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Or if I'm feeling stressed or anxious or angry, I will purposely step out and usually when I'm doing the breath work, I do close my eyes.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: I kind of naturally invite the Holy Spirit while I'm doing my breath and I often put my hand over my heart, because it's a bit of a self-regulation, like a show of self-compassion, you know.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: So, trying to regulate, I will purposely call timeouts, like I think I told you guys in our Marriage Lab podcast there's one that we just released that was called when Pain Spoils to Offense, and I talked about how I told on myself to my friends when I was triggered and I just sent them a really basic text of, so I would say, timeout slash.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: Told on yourself, it's just plainly making aware what's happening inside of you so that you won't make more of a mess.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: So I actually just had to text some friends and say, hey, I'm triggered and grumpy, I'm going to work on it on my way up to join you guys, but I just wanted to be honest.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: So the idea is, if I'm it me vocalizing what's happening inside of me or pulling myself out and giving myself a timeout, I am aware that if I continue down this path, it's like a snowball picking up storm or speed and size.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: It's not helpful.
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: Sometimes, too, with self-regulation, I'll literally go on a little walk or I'll get out of the environment, or I actually personally use we live near a river, so like it's about a five minute bike ride or a two minute car ride and I will do polar plunges to actually regulate when I'm having a hard time, or I'll go.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: I'll do like 10 minutes of a weight workout if I'm actually trying to work through some anger or anxiousness.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: They say that there's a physicality that's super helpful to like find regulation in some of them.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: So, just thinking through, like, oh, what are some little habits?
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: Breath, work, timeout, telling on yourself, some grounding habits, some habits that make you literally change the energy, that you're feeling like overwhelmed within your body, physically working it out.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: Okay, some simple habits.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: If you're trying to build motivation, I find building motivation it sounds so silly, but explaining why that action or that task is tied and connected to a value I have or an identity I want to be known as like an integrous person or a generous person, if I can retake that tiny action of showing up to my friend's birthday party, even though it's been a busy week, or something like that, and I recast vision for why this matters.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: Big picture, this isn't just a task.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: It switches my motivation from obligation to like.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: No, it's because I'm a person who values and is generous with my time for my people and I show up for people in my inner circle.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: So just actually naming your value that this action is a vote for, or reminding yourself of the identity that it's.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: You know, solidifying it helps you, like tie into a bigger picture, purpose outside of like the tiny motivation is where.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: What's the point?
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: Or does this even matter?
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: That's evidence that your motivation's low.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: So for me, instantly I go to like, okay, how is this evidence of my value or an identity that I care about being known as or being a person of, so that I get some motivation outside of this Tuesday afternoon?
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: It's not about my schedule this Tuesday, it's because I value and I zoom out and like, oh yeah, I can see the big picture and I can pull motivation from there.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: Um, or even making micro goals, like I think that would go with offensively small habits where, yes, I'm I'm currently training for, like the triathlon we run every year, but my micro goal was just to do 30 minutes of um spiking yesterday.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: Rather than knowing what your big goal is, sometimes you get overwhelmed.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: So I think, combating the overwhelm when motivation is low, making really small goals, like I'm just moving 30 minutes a day or I'm just in the motivation for changing the culture of my marriage, I'm just sitting for two minutes every day remembering a gratitude for something my husband did that I felt really seen and valued, something that was helpful in the last 24 hours, that would make something that feels big and overwhelming and how could I even see if my marriage is getting healthier?
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: And then shrinking it to like, oh, I need some micro goals so that I'm fueling motivation on a 10 minute level every day.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Okay, next, some simple habits If you're low low in empathy, being curious about what they could be experiencing.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: So I wonder.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, I shared that I had an experience with a road rage driver the other day and they were honking at me constantly and then finally, when they got around me, they flipped me off and then honked as they, like, swerved out.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: So what?
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: It sounds funny, but I've actually purposely tried to increase my empathy for people with road rage Cause, if I'm honest, I feel, just like a lot of judgment, that they're so dysregulated that they would be careless, they would let their emotions make them reckless with their lives and others' lives.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: Like that feels really unwise and dysregulated and immature.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: So I've actually practiced this man, I'm still throwing my throat.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: I've actually practiced.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: When I have someone that I start judging and I just go to judge, I would say evidence that you're low empathy.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: Is that, if judgmentalness, piousness, self-righteousness that you're low empathy is that if judgmentalness, piousness, self-righteousness, only seeing your perspective, is where your defaults, you're low empathy.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: So, being curious so when I have a rage driver, I know that I am low empathy.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: For people who have their own road rage, judgment is easy to access.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: So I actually will sit and ask myself I wonder what could be happening in them that would access this much anger.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, what if they got some bad?
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: And I literally play the tape out of what could be happening, because I don't instantly get flooded with empathy because I think of how wrong they are for showing up that way.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: So I'm just like, maybe they are late for something, maybe they just got some really bad news.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: Maybe I actually legitimately do this every time because I have not cracked the code for natural empathy for road rage drivers, but just the point of like, asking questions about, like, what could their experience be?
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: What could their reaction be coming from?
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: What emotions could they be experiencing that would produce that action, and then simply like scaling back.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: Even there's sometimes that I have to actually just pray for my heart towards them to shift If, like, I'm low empathy and I'm just seeing how they're failing me or how they're making messes or how they're wrong.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: I will just ask, like some different variations of the same prayer of can you help me see them, how you see them?
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: Can you help me see how this pattern's actually costing them more than it's costing me?
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: Because a lot of times if I'm low empathy, I'm more aware of the cost they're inflicting on me than like, hey, this is rooted in them, like what in them would show up this way.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: And then when the Lord can help me see roots I'm not diagnosing I actually, like I know empathy is blooming when I have a level of compassion for them in that moment.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: And lastly, the fifth one if simple habits, if you're low in social skills, practicing conversate, like simpler conversations, not overthinking it, some people will fawn or kind of be fawn would be maybe over-explain and be a little frantic.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: Energy to try to not be misunderstood or hurt people's feelings, or potentially passive, aggressive and everyone's the butt of your joke.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: Like, okay, maybe we show up a little different in conversation or social skills, if you're noticing how people don't ask you questions and you don't get to talk and they talk so much, I would actually notice.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: Are you good at asking questions?
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: Do you insert yourself when you have something interesting to say.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: What would it look like if, instead of waiting for people to give you the appropriate part of the conversation you deserve, you started showing up how you wanted to, rather than being waited to be invited or asking others questions like oh, they never heard, like the conversation's hard, like are you contributing questions?
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: And then two for me with some social skills, I have to a small habit as I preset some phrases.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: So if I'm working on boundaries or going somewhere where I know these people are often passive, aggressive or making jokes at people's expense, I'll practice like oh, I really didn't love that.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: Last time I felt pretty hurt and I felt betrayed and I left kind of bitter because I didn't say anything, because I didn't know what to say.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: So if the same scenario happens, I'm just going to say ouch, oh, that hurt.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: Oh, some level of indication of how their words impacted me.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: So like a preset phrase is almost like a pre thought of real simple boundary, rather than expecting in the moment like this is not my normal.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: So me expecting to pull out spontaneously a level, a social skill where I have not yet Like oh, that's unreasonable, I should think ahead of time a really simple sentence for that thing that keeps happening, that I'll be prepared because in the moment I haven't found that, I've been able to find the right words.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: And then two for me.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: When that's the case, I get more curious about why it's been hard for me or why I've participated or not spoken up or stayed there or let them talk to me that way, more than I am aware that they're doing it, because that's a powerless mindset and you can't actually control them.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: But you could control, like why do I keep letting that happen?
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: Why don't I say ouch or ah, that doesn't work for me to do it that way.
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: Before I'm in the scenario and now I'm bitter because I never wanted to do this in the first place Like what was?
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: Why didn't I speak up when the idea was first proposed that I wasn't interested in that?
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: So those are just some simple habits.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: If you're looking to grow in one of the five ways.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: That embodies emotional intelligence, self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: And I hope too that that brings some awareness or some clarity.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: That self-awareness by itself being able to name it, see it, spot it, others yourself is actually not the fullness of being emotionally healthy or intelligent.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: There's some regulation.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: There's motivation, there's empathy, compassion and there's social skills.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: And again, it's not about being perfect, it's just about growing towards love, and love includes like showing up in love well embodies your heart, your awareness, your actions, how other people interact with you, where I would say, motivation is kind of like a heart posture, it's just a full picture.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: Awareness of emotional health, or awareness of what emotional intelligence and health actually looks like.
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: I'm going to put a little well, okay, I actually got ChatGPT to make me a quick self-reflection tool on emotional intelligence.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: I thought it was kind of cool and it gave me three little questions for each of them.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: So, self-awareness you are self-awareness where you're, like, strong at it, if you can name what you're feeling in the moment, if you notice how your emotions impact your thoughts, words and actions.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: So not saying like, oh, I think my thoughts were more negative or as more pessimistic with my words because I think I felt afraid even going into the situation.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: You are self-aware if you can reflect on why you're feeling a certain way without immediately judging yourself.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: Ooh, that's good.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: I think the why is not what a lot of people can get to.
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: They can tell you what, but they can't as quickly access the why Self-regulation.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: You can pause and respond instead of simply reacting.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: So like there's a beat between what happens and what you're giving.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: So it's not yeah, instead of reacting, you're choosing your response.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: Another thing with self-regulation is you can stay grounded during emotionally charged moments.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: Another thing is you can take ownership when your emotions spill out in an unhelpful way, so like for me.
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: This is how often when I'm afraid I'll like be shorter with Aaron, like oh, are you going to stop?
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: Or did you remember the kid's towels?
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: Or like just yeah, when my fear comes out, it usually means I'm shorter and more energetic in a way that I don't want to be.
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: Okay, evidence that you have good motivation is that you can push through hard moments when you know it's worth it, that you can stay aligned with your values even when no one's watching and there's a cost to them, and you can recover from setbacks with forward focus mindset.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: So I would say that, even if it doesn't look like you thought, you can pick yourself back up and continue to go in the direction that you were headed.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: Empathy you are highly empathetic if you seek first, or you seek as important, to understand other people's feelings, and it is okay if you disagree with them, you actually can understand them and hear them, even if they're different than yours.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: You're curious about other people's stories or lives instead of just assuming you know their motivations or thought process.
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: High empathy is people feel seen and safe when they share emotion with you, even if it's about you or you disagree with it.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: And then social skills you can communicate clearly and kindly, even in tension.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: Ooh, that's good.
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: Clearly, kindly, patiently, without a lot of energy behind it.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: You can handle conflict without avoiding or over-attacking too much energy.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what would be the word?
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: Getting stuck in it.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: Or you can invest in repairing connection after disconnection.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: Ooh, that's so good.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: Sorry, I didn't write that.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: That was ChatGPT's little tests.
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: Or like tools, quick self-reflection for the five components of an emotional, intelligent human.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: I hope that helps.
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: If you're looking for coaching or you want some help unpacking it, feel free.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: My coaching is in.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: The link is in our show notes.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: I hope you have a great day.