Latest / I Choose Me with Jennie Garth / I Choose … to Reveal it to Heal it with Leeza Gibbons

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I Choose … to Reveal it to Heal it with Leeza Gibbons · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

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Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome
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Speaker 1: to I Choose Me, the podcast about the choices we
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Speaker 1: make when love asks everything of us. Mother's Day is
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Speaker 1: just around the corner, a day that can be beautiful
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Speaker 1: for some and really hard for others. I'm honored to
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Speaker 1: welcome Lisa Gibbons, who has turned some of her family's
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Speaker 1: deepest pain into purpose. Lisa is an Emmy Award winning journalist,
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Speaker 1: host of Next Star's Rose Parade that I love watching
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Speaker 1: every year, and she's the founder of Lisa's Care Connection. Lisa,
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Speaker 1: thank you so much for taking time to talk to
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Speaker 1: me today.
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Speaker 2: Hello.
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Speaker 1: Hi, They're beautiful.
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Speaker 2: I'm so excited to be part of this beautiful work
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Speaker 2: that you've created.
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Speaker 1: Oh, thank you, Lisa. I'm so glad to have you here.
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Speaker 1: You are doing just such important work too, and I
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Speaker 1: can't wait to get into it. But you've always just
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Speaker 1: been really one of those inspirational women in the industry
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Speaker 1: who are intentionally leading with kindness and just you know,
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Speaker 1: being such a great role model for those wanting to
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Speaker 1: be here in a different way, a kinder way.
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Speaker 2: How did you do that? Like, did was that.
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Speaker 1: Culture there for you when you started or were there
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Speaker 1: did you have experiences with the ways that didn't feel
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Speaker 1: good that made you really want to lead with the
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Speaker 1: right way? Like, how did you get this sort of
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Speaker 1: like mentality in the business of always happy, always great?
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Speaker 2: Well, there's no always right. I think we choose how
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Speaker 2: we want to what lens we want to see the
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Speaker 2: world through. And I will admit it's so true. You're right,
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Speaker 2: I'm an unabashed optimist. I think I'm just a sunny
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Speaker 2: side of the street kind of girl.
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Speaker 1: Really heard of that.
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Speaker 2: I believe I was hardwired with it. And I look
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Speaker 2: at my three kids, and I don't know how you
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Speaker 2: feel about, like, you know, parenting and what your children
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Speaker 2: come through with. But my kids came through with a
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Speaker 2: disposition and a way of being in the world, and
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Speaker 2: the best I could do is sort of accommodate them
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Speaker 2: to be the best version of themselves. So I think
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Speaker 2: I started out with a lens of wanting to not
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Speaker 2: see it as glass half full or glass half empty,
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Speaker 2: but truly believing that I own that frickin' glass and.
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Speaker 1: You are the glass.
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Speaker 2: I'm the glass, So if it's empty, I better get
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Speaker 2: to work and fill it up. And I think that
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Speaker 2: people like I'll say, like you and like me. It's
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Speaker 2: easy to dismiss that positive quality as a characteristic, but
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Speaker 2: I think it's a neural competence that is a real
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Speaker 2: competitive advantage. I do believe.
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Speaker 1: That that's interesting to look at it as a competitive advantage.
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Speaker 2: Well, yeah, because if you, I mean, scientists will tell
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Speaker 2: you when you look at a brain like an optimist brain,
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Speaker 2: that person has the ability to get to solutions faster
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Speaker 2: than the sort of negative Nelly's out there, right, So
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Speaker 2: it is a predisposition that just allows you to kind
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Speaker 2: of be solution oriented. And I also think there's there's
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Speaker 2: there's some resilience that maybe I got in my youth.
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Speaker 2: You know, I'm from the South and from a sweet
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Speaker 2: iced tea drinking yes man saying oh, I love that
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Speaker 2: role giving culture.
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Speaker 1: That sounds so good to me. Yes, I love that
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Speaker 1: it's baked into you.
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Speaker 2: Yes, I think it is.
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Speaker 1: I love that I'm happy to be meeting someone who
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Speaker 1: claims to be a sunny side of the road kind
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Speaker 1: of person, because I have said before that I did
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Speaker 1: not I didn't come in that way. I came in
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Speaker 1: kind of blue and I people kind of don't know
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Speaker 1: really what to think about that, But you've just helped
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Speaker 1: me to find some definition in it, even for myself
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Speaker 1: that just because I say that I'm more of a
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Speaker 1: blue person doesn't mean I'm a negative person.
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Speaker 2: No, not at all. I think that's part of what's
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Speaker 2: so cool about what you're doing with this whole notion
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Speaker 2: of I choose me. It's allowing us all people and
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Speaker 2: especially women, to realize, in order to choose yourself, you
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Speaker 2: really have to know. Yeah, are right, that kind of knowledge,
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Speaker 2: and there's a look back that comes with that, of
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Speaker 2: knowing where you've been. And I mean, maybe it's because
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Speaker 2: I've never been this old. Nobody listening to us right
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Speaker 2: now has ever been as old as we are right now,
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Speaker 2: right a younger than we are today, right now, right now.
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Speaker 2: So there's that. But I do think there's some misguided
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Speaker 2: notion about chasing youth or lost youth. I don't feel
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Speaker 2: like my youth was lost. I feel like I know
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Speaker 2: exactly how I spent it and how I invested it,
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Speaker 2: and the good decisions, the bad decisions, the foolishness, the opportunities,
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Speaker 2: all of it, those things are now paying dividends in
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Speaker 2: my older age, and it's kind of reframe the aging process.
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Speaker 2: I mean, honest to goodness, what choice do we have, right?
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Speaker 2: You know, we look at this thing like we like
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Speaker 2: we got into a fight with a street thug or something,
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Speaker 2: and if you get in that fight with agent, you're
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Speaker 2: going to lose every time, because it's inevitable. That's right.
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Speaker 2: It's the gift that we get and it doesn't mean
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Speaker 2: that we we lose every other version of ourselves that
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Speaker 2: we were. We get to carry that forward and I
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Speaker 2: think make best use of it.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's it's interesting because you know, just
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Speaker 1: when you think you know yourself, you can even get
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Speaker 1: to know yourself a little bit better. Even by that
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Speaker 1: definition for me of not feeling like I should be
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Speaker 1: ashamed that I'm a blue person, yeah, but just really
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Speaker 1: like it's just part of who I am. It's an acceptance.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. But when I look at what you stand for,
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Speaker 2: you know, you stand for possibility, you stand for growth,
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Speaker 2: and those are choices that you made despite or because
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Speaker 2: of how you came into the world and way right
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Speaker 2: what your optics were. And you know, I think that
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Speaker 2: that's another cool thing about the journey forward. I think
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Speaker 2: we get introduced to the woman we were always mentioned
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Speaker 2: and there's ultimate acceptance because we do stop auditioning right
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Speaker 2: for our role in our own lives, apologizing for who
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Speaker 2: we are and how we are, and all the other
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Speaker 2: things that we most of us, I think got tripped
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Speaker 2: up by in youth when we needed so desperate to
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Speaker 2: fit in and to be accepted and to be enough.
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Speaker 2: And it's lovely to reach a point in life where
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Speaker 2: you can really exhale and like go with that and recognize, Gosh,
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Speaker 2: I've always had the answers, and now I can recognize
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Speaker 2: that I'm enough because I get to define for myself
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Speaker 2: what that means.
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Speaker 1: Oh, that's so beautiful. I love that your work in
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Speaker 1: your writing for caregivers is so full of inspiration and
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Speaker 1: helpful tools. So I'd like to just start with one
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Speaker 1: that I've heard you say a lot. Yeah, you can't
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Speaker 1: heal it if you don't reveal it. Yeah, those might
7:44
Speaker 1: be really hard, eight hard eight words to say.
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Speaker 2: You're right, Yeah, it's true, though, don't you? I mean you?
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Speaker 2: I believe. And it's been my experience with my own
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Speaker 2: life and with the great blessing that I've had of
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Speaker 2: working with community, these people who care, that the way
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Speaker 2: to get through it is really to get through it,
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Speaker 2: and you can't heal it if you don't reveal it,
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Speaker 2: and that means something different for everyone. For everyone, it
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Speaker 2: means letting go of the shame and the stigmatization and
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Speaker 2: the isolation and the overbearing sense of loneliness that comes
8:23
Speaker 2: when you had a life right and you had plans
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Speaker 2: for your life and you start out on this journey
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Speaker 2: and you're going to get a career and accomplish things,
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Speaker 2: and you're going to meet people, and you're going to
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Speaker 2: fall in love, and you're going to have whatever it
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Speaker 2: is that we lay out for ourselves. And having a
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Speaker 2: child who's disabled, or a partner who's sick, or a
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Speaker 2: parent who has a chronic illness like Alzheimer's, these are
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Speaker 2: not pieces of anybody's happily. Ever, afterward, we don't contemplate
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Speaker 2: that the life we set out to live, that's not
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Speaker 2: the hand that we were dealt, and we have to
9:01
Speaker 2: figure out how to play that hand. And that takes
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Speaker 2: a little while, I think, and I think to get
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Speaker 2: through it. The more you can sort of say it
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Speaker 2: out loud and own the new reality and reveal what
9:17
Speaker 2: that means to you, and it may mean that you're
9:20
Speaker 2: just so mad and so angry and so resentful and
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Speaker 2: so tired that you just don't know how you're going
9:26
Speaker 2: to get to tomorrow. That's cool, that's a legitimate place,
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Speaker 2: and I've sure been there a lot of days. But
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Speaker 2: I think that in part and parcel with revealing, it
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Speaker 2: means you invite someone else to bear witness to your journey.
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Speaker 2: And that's all we're doing in any aspect of our lives.
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Speaker 2: We just want another person to be there with us
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Speaker 2: and say I see you and you matter.
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Speaker 1: Right, yes. And also when you reveal it, when you
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Speaker 1: share it with somebody else, it helps us someone else
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Speaker 1: tell their story and helps someone else reveal what they
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Speaker 1: need support going through. It's so important. When did you
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Speaker 1: first start your caregiving journey? Other than being a mom?
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Speaker 2: Of course, you know, it's kind of like it's sort
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Speaker 2: of like aging. It just sneaks up on me with
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Speaker 2: what you realize, Oh, I've got this new identity. And
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Speaker 2: I went into it truly kicking and screaming, and you know,
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Speaker 2: putting on a sweater, a jacket, a coat, a label,
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Speaker 2: anything that said caregiver was not something that I wanted
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Speaker 2: to accept and be. It certainly wasn't my dream at all,
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Speaker 2: and it wasn't. And if I thought in my mind,
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Speaker 2: if I accept that, it will mean that my mom's
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Speaker 2: not going to get better because I will no longer
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Speaker 2: be her daughter. I'm just going to be her caregiver. Well,
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Speaker 2: it took me some growing up and some toughening up
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Speaker 2: and softening to recognize that I had to find a
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Speaker 2: new way to be in relationship with this woman who
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Speaker 2: was my best friend, in my true north. So while
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Speaker 2: I did push it away for a long time, I
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Speaker 2: would tell my mother, you know, Mom, we're just going
11:20
Speaker 2: to get out in front of this. You know, I'm
11:21
Speaker 2: a resourceful person, right, I'm going to talk to enough people.
11:24
Speaker 2: I'm going to travel enough to enough places. I'm going
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Speaker 2: to find some research. We're going to get you in
11:29
Speaker 2: some scientific protocols, and you just hang in their mom,
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Speaker 2: because we're going to get ahead of this. And someday
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Speaker 2: that's all legitimate, nothing wrong with any of that. But
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Speaker 2: I did kind of talk myself out of being present,
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Speaker 2: which was what I was most afraid of. I was
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Speaker 2: running from the fear.
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Speaker 1: So you were getting it done, yeah, handling it right,
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Speaker 1: not really sitting and are being present in it. I
11:58
Speaker 1: can kind of relate to that on it, especially as
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Speaker 1: like the mom who's raised the kids and really run
12:04
Speaker 1: the family, run the household as a single mom for
12:07
Speaker 1: many years, myself like, I feel like I spend a
12:10
Speaker 1: lot of time taking care of things, making sure everything's
12:13
Speaker 1: handled and everybody's provided for, and then kind of I
12:16
Speaker 1: will I know that I have to delegate some things
12:18
Speaker 1: out to make sure that everybody's got what they need
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Speaker 1: every day, day in and day out. But at the
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Speaker 1: same time, I feel like I'm not really present enough
12:30
Speaker 1: because I'm dealing with so much.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, well, being present requires that you open up, and
12:37
Speaker 2: opening up can be really, really painful. I think I
12:42
Speaker 2: remember my mom specifically telling me as a young girl,
12:47
Speaker 2: you know, there's always an upside to facing the downside,
12:51
Speaker 2: and I tried to apply that to my real life
12:54
Speaker 2: situation with her, and many many times in my life
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Speaker 2: I have recognized that truth the benefit that you get
13:03
Speaker 2: from only you're the only person in life who knows
13:07
Speaker 2: what's tough for you, Like which phone call is hard
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Speaker 2: to make, which person is the toughest to stand up to,
13:14
Speaker 2: which of the truths about yourself are the hardest for
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Speaker 2: you to own. That's private work that we and I
13:21
Speaker 2: think ourselves alone only know. But there is a sliding scale,
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Speaker 2: I think with you know, fear decreases as value increases,
13:33
Speaker 2: or value increases as fear decreases. So the example that
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Speaker 2: always made sense to me was if you're like, Okay,
13:41
Speaker 2: so we're mom. So you're a mom, You're in a
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Speaker 2: boat in the ocean, and you're afraid of sharks. Almost
13:47
Speaker 2: everyone's afraid of sharks, but your kid falls in, Well,
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Speaker 2: you're going to jump in after that kid regardless, because
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Speaker 2: the value of saving your child is so much greater
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Speaker 2: than the fear. So the fear goes group because there
14:01
Speaker 2: was such great value there. So I always have tried
14:04
Speaker 2: to look for what's the value in facing this horrible situation,
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Speaker 2: and I can usually find a reason to face the
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Speaker 2: fear there and to know that the way to mitigate
14:17
Speaker 2: the fear is just to focus on that upside. That's
14:22
Speaker 2: so true.
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Speaker 1: I love it that you use the analogy of jumping
14:25
Speaker 1: into the ocean. I'm terrified of the ocean, right, it's
14:28
Speaker 1: terrified of sharks. But if my kid fell in that water,
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Speaker 1: absolutely I would jump in and try to save them.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, that is a doubt. I mean, you know, like
14:37
Speaker 2: You've grown up in front of cameras, so I doubt
14:39
Speaker 2: that you have a fear of public speaking or any
14:42
Speaker 2: of that. But a lot of people that's a very
14:45
Speaker 2: big top five. Yes. But if you took those people
14:48
Speaker 2: and you said, Okay, I'm going to give you five
14:52
Speaker 2: million dollars if you will deliver this speech, the value
14:56
Speaker 2: would eclipse the fear they get over it, and I
14:59
Speaker 2: out of ten, It's like, what is that inverse relationship?
15:03
Speaker 2: It's very true.
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Speaker 1: I'm curious when you sit across from someone in the
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Speaker 1: work that you do. I'm sure this happens a lot
15:15
Speaker 1: who just got their parents' diagnosis, someone who's just trying
15:22
Speaker 1: to absorb this information, who's terrified and overwhelmed and already
15:27
Speaker 1: feels like they're a failure. What do you share both
15:30
Speaker 1: the heart and the surprising about what's ahead for them
15:34
Speaker 1: in this scenario of life.
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Speaker 2: I love the question because I feel that in my
15:39
Speaker 2: bones when you ask it, that moment is a very big,
15:46
Speaker 2: real moment. And many times, most times I'll say, someone
15:51
Speaker 2: sitting across from me or someone on our team at
15:53
Speaker 2: least's care connection. You know, our goal is to help
15:57
Speaker 2: you cope, to help you focus some what's left rather
16:01
Speaker 2: than what's lost, But to get to those things, to
16:05
Speaker 2: provide support and education and community and all the beautiful
16:09
Speaker 2: things that we know are going to get you through it.
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Speaker 2: Step number one is really just to bear witness and listen.
16:17
Speaker 2: And it may be the first time that that person
16:21
Speaker 2: has dared to say I don't know if I can
16:25
Speaker 2: do this or I don't want to do this. Most
16:28
Speaker 2: of the time they'll start with I don't even know
16:30
Speaker 2: what to ask for because I don't know what I need.
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Speaker 2: And that's real when your whole world has been turned
16:37
Speaker 2: upside down. No matter how smart you are, how sourceful
16:42
Speaker 2: you are, how much money you have, how many people
16:45
Speaker 2: and connections you may have, your capacity to access that
16:49
Speaker 2: intellectually is really compromised because the emotional collateral is so
16:55
Speaker 2: much bigger than that, and you just can't access logic
16:59
Speaker 2: because as you're exhausted, you're doing these herculean kind of
17:04
Speaker 2: Olympic level emotional labor and you know there's not going
17:10
Speaker 2: to be a metal ceremony, no one's going to say
17:12
Speaker 2: great job, and you're going to tell yourself this is
17:16
Speaker 2: quote just what I'm supposed to do. And I think, Jenny,
17:20
Speaker 2: that's one of the challenges we have with our society.
17:24
Speaker 2: We tend to look at care partners, the husbands, the wives,
17:28
Speaker 2: the sons, the daughters, the friends. We look at caregivers
17:31
Speaker 2: and we say, well, aren't they heroic? They're amazing, and
17:35
Speaker 2: they are, but they don't need labels of being heroic.
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Speaker 2: They need support. They are the scaffolding of our healthcare system.
17:44
Speaker 2: And without these fifty three to fifty five million people
17:48
Speaker 2: who are doing this invisible work, it really would all
17:51
Speaker 2: come tumbling down. So I've spent my life as a storyteller,
17:57
Speaker 2: and it's one of the things that my mom helped
18:00
Speaker 2: me figure out. It was actually in relation to a
18:04
Speaker 2: talent show, and I had no talent in my mother said, oh,
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Speaker 2: you've got a talent, honey, just go tell a story.
18:08
Speaker 2: She just wanted me to get out of the kitchen
18:10
Speaker 2: and shut up. But I believe try what, Oh, maybe
18:14
Speaker 2: that's what I'm just to do. I'm a storyteller. So
18:17
Speaker 2: I spent my life as a news reporter and a
18:19
Speaker 2: storyteller and a producer and being able to tell those
18:22
Speaker 2: kinds of stories. But then I realized that all of
18:27
Speaker 2: that had been a great prelude and a great background
18:30
Speaker 2: for me to say, yes, I want to tell this
18:32
Speaker 2: story of caring and the caring economy in our nation,
18:37
Speaker 2: but I also want to help change the story. And
18:40
Speaker 2: that's what I set out to do. And it's been
18:43
Speaker 2: the most fun, the most dynamic, the most rewarding, the
18:48
Speaker 2: most empowering work that I've ever done.
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Speaker 1: How are you changing this story?
18:52
Speaker 2: How are you?
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Speaker 1: I mean, I know you're supporting it, yep, tell me.
18:57
Speaker 1: I'm excited to know.
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Speaker 2: I think that as care partners, we don't they we
19:03
Speaker 2: don't need to be looked at as mother Teresa. Oh Yeah.
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Speaker 1: When someone says, oh, you're so incredible, right, You're amazing.
19:10
Speaker 1: What you're doing is so whatever, I'm always like, yeah,
19:14
Speaker 1: I know, but is it?
19:17
Speaker 2: Yeah? Right? And and how does that? How does that
19:20
Speaker 2: help you?
19:21
Speaker 1: How does that help you?
19:22
Speaker 2: Yeah? I think a big part of it is what
19:25
Speaker 2: we talked about earlier, which is we first need to
19:29
Speaker 2: recognize the universality of this experience. In all likelihood, statistically speaking,
19:36
Speaker 2: you will either need care or be giving care. That's everybody, Yeah, everybody.
19:41
Speaker 2: So it's not an abstract maybe someday thing. It's an
19:46
Speaker 2: eventuality that we're not prepared for. People are not trained
19:50
Speaker 2: for it. We don't talk about it, we bear it
19:52
Speaker 2: in this kind of guilty, silence and martyrdom. That part
19:58
Speaker 2: of the story isn't accurate, so we've got to change it.
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Speaker 2: I think that we make things more valuable by making
20:05
Speaker 2: them more visible, and the onus is on all of
20:09
Speaker 2: us to make the stories of real people who are
20:12
Speaker 2: caring much more visible, much more normal. Workplaces need to
20:17
Speaker 2: accommodate it. We need to recognize that when we give
20:21
Speaker 2: care partners what they need, you'll get it back in space.
20:24
Speaker 2: But first we need flexible hours, We need workplaces that
20:29
Speaker 2: are supportive. We need stipends for the work that we're doing.
20:33
Speaker 2: We need healthcare. We need all these things so that
20:36
Speaker 2: then we can get about the business, which is not
20:39
Speaker 2: only a burden, it really is a blessing too. But
20:43
Speaker 2: we don't need praise and a gold star. We need
20:46
Speaker 2: systems and we need support right right. So.
20:51
Speaker 1: You know, when somebody's sick that you love, you want
20:54
Speaker 1: to try to help them make them better at all costs.
20:59
Speaker 1: But when your person has a memory disease, there are
21:05
Speaker 1: ways in which we cannot help them get better. How
21:10
Speaker 1: do we come to terms with this and create that
21:14
Speaker 1: new relationship with our mom or our dad, or whoever
21:17
Speaker 1: it is, and find the joy in the person and
21:20
Speaker 1: in the joy in spending time with this new person,
21:23
Speaker 1: this new relationship that we're taken care of, because in
21:27
Speaker 1: my situation, there's a certain grieving and loss of the
21:36
Speaker 1: person that I knew that's just no longer there anymore.
21:41
Speaker 1: And as much as I want them to be there
21:42
Speaker 1: and I want to talk to her the same way
21:45
Speaker 1: I used to talk to her and joke around with
21:47
Speaker 1: her and be that way with her, it just doesn't
21:49
Speaker 1: it doesn't land the same for her anymore, and she
21:51
Speaker 1: doesn't understand.
21:54
Speaker 2: You know. I love the way that you framed all
21:58
Speaker 2: of that, And yes, you're a one hundred percent right.
22:02
Speaker 2: Anticipatory grief pre grieving, real gut wrenching sense of loss
22:09
Speaker 2: is the constant companion to people who are caring for
22:14
Speaker 2: someone with cognitive decline, and it's a journey, it's a
22:21
Speaker 2: process to get to the place where you can accept that,
22:27
Speaker 2: as you said, Jenny, that's a new person, that's someone
22:30
Speaker 2: else that you have to forge a new relationship with.
22:33
Speaker 2: And yet I do think that it's helpful for the
22:37
Speaker 2: caring community that we work with to articulate that their
22:43
Speaker 2: loved one is still in there and still deserves dignity
22:47
Speaker 2: and respect. They're not a child, they're not deaf. You
22:51
Speaker 2: don't have to talk louder.
22:52
Speaker 1: My gosh, I'm doing everything wrongly. I'm I'm such a
22:57
Speaker 1: quiet speaker, and so I have to praise my voice
23:00
Speaker 1: to an uncomfortable level to get her to hear me,
23:02
Speaker 1: and my mom to hear me. And now I shouldn't
23:06
Speaker 1: be doing that.
23:07
Speaker 2: Well, it's not that it's that it's not a should
23:10
Speaker 2: or it shouldn't. It's that when we recognize, as you have,
23:14
Speaker 2: that the person you love they have a brain disease
23:19
Speaker 2: that is eating away at the parts of their brain
23:21
Speaker 2: that they used to use to relate to you in
23:25
Speaker 2: that humor, to nurture you in that loving spot that
23:31
Speaker 2: only the two of you may know. They have lost
23:33
Speaker 2: that part of their brain that allows them to respond
23:36
Speaker 2: to commands that you're asking them as simple as you know,
23:41
Speaker 2: what do you want for lunch? That could be a
23:43
Speaker 2: really overbearing question for someone with a memory robbing illness,
23:49
Speaker 2: and so we learn workarounds. We learn limiting the choices
23:54
Speaker 2: like do you want pasta or chicken for lunch? And
23:58
Speaker 2: there are no other choices, and that way the gets
24:00
Speaker 2: to be right. They don't have to think of what
24:03
Speaker 2: they want because they probably can't. But I remember when
24:08
Speaker 2: my mom got sick, Jenny, she was pretty remarkable, my
24:12
Speaker 2: steel Magnolia mother, and she'd seen my granny, her mother
24:16
Speaker 2: disappear from Alzheimer's as well, so she put her head
24:20
Speaker 2: on the pillow every night, knowing where she was headed. Right,
24:24
Speaker 2: And yes, you can bet I have thought a lot
24:26
Speaker 2: about what do I do not to be the third
24:29
Speaker 2: generation of women here who forget what they're worth and
24:33
Speaker 2: forget who they are. But I was getting my mother
24:37
Speaker 2: ready to go into a supportive assisted living community that
24:42
Speaker 2: had memory care, because she had told us what, I
24:45
Speaker 2: can no longer call you by name, and when I'm
24:48
Speaker 2: kicking and screaming, know that that's the disease, that's not me.
24:53
Speaker 2: And when it happens, I don't want to live with you, kids,
24:57
Speaker 2: with you, Lisa, with your brother or your sister, and
25:00
Speaker 2: you have to tell Daddy when it's time to let
25:03
Speaker 2: me go. Well, it happened just that way. She had
25:07
Speaker 2: paid a household utility bill like three times she said
25:11
Speaker 2: something's wrong, and we were all like, oh, she's drinking
25:16
Speaker 2: too much, or she's bored, or she's lonely. She's just
25:19
Speaker 2: getting older. And she shook us out of that naive
25:23
Speaker 2: safe space that we were in. And ultimately, when the
25:26
Speaker 2: time came to pack her up for this community, we
25:29
Speaker 2: were putting her clothes together. I said, you know, we'll
25:32
Speaker 2: have things that we donate, mom, things are going to
25:34
Speaker 2: take to your new place, and things were going to discard.
25:38
Speaker 2: So we came across this leopard bikini and I said, Mom,
25:43
Speaker 2: look at this. And I started laughing, and I said,
25:46
Speaker 2: I remember when you wore this bikini to the beach
25:48
Speaker 2: that summer at Myrtle Beach. And I wadded it up
25:51
Speaker 2: and I threw it into the pile to discard. I said, well,
25:54
Speaker 2: you're not going to need that. She leapt over me.
25:57
Speaker 2: She granted, she said, you don't know, so what I'm
26:00
Speaker 2: going to need over there? And it was the first
26:02
Speaker 2: thing that we packed, and it made me realize. It
26:07
Speaker 2: didn't take long after that before my mother's decline. She
26:11
Speaker 2: didn't wouldn't have had that moment with the leopard bikini,
26:15
Speaker 2: but we did pack it. I put it in the
26:17
Speaker 2: top drawer of her new room and the next time
26:20
Speaker 2: I visited her in a couple of weeks. People with
26:23
Speaker 2: Alzheimer's they wander and take things, and someone had taken
26:26
Speaker 2: the bikini and I just smiled and thought, gosh, I
26:29
Speaker 2: hope someone had as much fun and that as my mother's.
26:33
Speaker 2: So it's hard to answer your question. It's hard to
26:37
Speaker 2: adjust those relationships. But there is humor, there's incredible angst,
26:43
Speaker 2: there's resignation, there's hope, and scientists are now saying that
26:48
Speaker 2: within the next decade they have reason to believe that
26:51
Speaker 2: we may actually have progress with disease modifying drugs, because
26:56
Speaker 2: as of now, we only have drugs that the symptoms
27:01
Speaker 2: and not the disease itself. And that's not nothing, but
27:05
Speaker 2: you're ultimately going to lose your loved one just the same.
27:10
Speaker 1: Yeah, I heard some promising news actually last night on
27:13
Speaker 1: something I was listening to that gave me hope, because
27:17
Speaker 1: you know what you talked about about seeing the lineage
27:21
Speaker 1: before you and just being.
27:23
Speaker 2: Do you worry? Do you think about it? I do worry.
27:27
Speaker 1: I think about it a lot. Honestly. It's not what
27:30
Speaker 1: I want for myself. It's not what I wanted for
27:32
Speaker 1: my mom. It's not what I want for my children someday,
27:36
Speaker 1: you know. And so to hear that there's i mean,
27:39
Speaker 1: just more research happening and more funding for it gives
27:43
Speaker 1: me hope, you know.
27:45
Speaker 2: And that's and hope is an important thing to hang
27:49
Speaker 2: on to because hope allows us to keep going and
27:53
Speaker 2: what we know about And obviously I'm not a doctor,
27:57
Speaker 2: so I'm speaking only as an advocate and as a
27:59
Speaker 2: person affective by this disease. But the best magic bullets
28:04
Speaker 2: that we have are staying in communities, staying social, keeping
28:09
Speaker 2: our brains active, learning new things that are hard for us,
28:12
Speaker 2: not just a crossword puzzle, but learning new things and
28:16
Speaker 2: keeping our brains engaged. And you know, when you talk
28:21
Speaker 2: about choosing me, ladies, we've got to choose to honor
28:26
Speaker 2: our sleep and value our peace, as you say so often,
28:30
Speaker 2: because those things are going to give you the brain
28:34
Speaker 2: health that you want. They're not luxuries. Respite is not
28:39
Speaker 2: a luxury. These are life rafts. These are survival skills
28:44
Speaker 2: that in order to tell our children that we're doing
28:48
Speaker 2: everything we can to stay healthy, those things have to
28:51
Speaker 2: be prioritized. So it's a very big deal what you're doing.
29:01
Speaker 1: You have three adult children, as do I, and I
29:04
Speaker 1: do believe that one of the greatest gifts we can
29:07
Speaker 1: give our kids is to talk about and prepare them
29:10
Speaker 1: for how we would like to age. And that's not easy,
29:15
Speaker 1: and kids do not want to hear it. My daughters
29:19
Speaker 1: are like, I don't even want to hear you say
29:21
Speaker 1: these words right now, so and then they just walk
29:23
Speaker 1: away because they don't want it, you know, go there. Yet,
29:26
Speaker 1: what kinds of conversation should we be having with our
29:29
Speaker 1: own children about how and where we would like to
29:32
Speaker 1: be taken care of and how can we get them
29:34
Speaker 1: to take us seriously?
29:36
Speaker 2: Good question at any point in life. Yeah, right, as
29:41
Speaker 2: we know, they are listening, and it is empowering to
29:45
Speaker 2: let them know that they don't need to borrow tomorrow's
29:49
Speaker 2: trouble today and they don't need to worry I think
29:52
Speaker 2: about us getting this disease, but they don't want to
29:55
Speaker 2: be naive, and we want them to protect their health
30:00
Speaker 2: in the same way that we're protecting ours. And I
30:03
Speaker 2: think that to let kids know, I think you know,
30:07
Speaker 2: and I wonder if you felt this way about your mom.
30:10
Speaker 2: I did this overwhelming sense of responsibility that wait, I
30:15
Speaker 2: have to be the one to help make these choices
30:18
Speaker 2: for her and help. I'm not really sure and am
30:21
Speaker 2: I really qualified, But my mother and I were very close.
30:24
Speaker 2: We had talked about this a lot. And one of
30:27
Speaker 2: the greatest gifts she gave us that I've tried to
30:29
Speaker 2: give my kids less successfully by the way, as she did,
30:32
Speaker 2: is to really say, if this happens, I don't want
30:38
Speaker 2: you to worry about taking care of me. And here's
30:40
Speaker 2: what I need or what I would want you know.
30:43
Speaker 2: I want you to play the music that I like,
30:46
Speaker 2: not the music that you like. I want you to
30:49
Speaker 2: sit with me and brush my hair or put my
30:52
Speaker 2: favorite lotion on. I want you to bring out old
30:56
Speaker 2: scrap books and help me be in touch with happier
31:00
Speaker 2: days that I remembered. My mother said to me, I
31:03
Speaker 2: don't want you to come visit me because I won't
31:06
Speaker 2: know that you're there. And I said, but Mom, I'll
31:10
Speaker 2: know I'm there, and what if I need to be
31:12
Speaker 2: there for me? And she reluctantly agreed that, okay, well,
31:17
Speaker 2: that will be all right. Because I saw her do
31:19
Speaker 2: that with Mike Grannie and everything I learned about caring,
31:23
Speaker 2: I started out learning by watching my mother do it.
31:28
Speaker 2: But I remember watching I think it was an Oprah
31:31
Speaker 2: Show or something one time where there was a woman
31:33
Speaker 2: who'd been in a coma, and she talked about consciousness
31:37
Speaker 2: in that state of recognizing whoever walked in the room,
31:41
Speaker 2: she knew their energy, whether they loved her and cared
31:44
Speaker 2: about her and wished her well or not. And you
31:47
Speaker 2: talk about intentionality a lot, and I think that you know,
31:51
Speaker 2: whether our memory, our working memory, is what we would
31:56
Speaker 2: want it to be or not. A heart never forgets,
32:00
Speaker 2: and there is that loving intention that I think we
32:05
Speaker 2: as humans can perceive from someone else, whether they speak
32:09
Speaker 2: our language or not. And that's really I think what
32:13
Speaker 2: I have talked to my kids about. But Jenny, I
32:17
Speaker 2: talk to them a lot about the nuts and bolts
32:18
Speaker 2: of it all. It's you know. And I've told them
32:22
Speaker 2: too that I don't want to live with you. And
32:25
Speaker 2: here's how I've prepared for that, because it's expensive and
32:29
Speaker 2: they are trying to make their own way in the world,
32:32
Speaker 2: and I don't want them to have the financial burden
32:35
Speaker 2: as families do. And that's the most frustrating thing for me,
32:39
Speaker 2: is we rob from the next generation out of our
32:44
Speaker 2: loving intent and desire to care for the older generation.
32:48
Speaker 2: And nobody should be in that conundrum. We just need
32:52
Speaker 2: better support and it's part of why we offer respite
32:56
Speaker 2: at Least's Care Connection, and we have to edge kate
33:00
Speaker 2: care partners to recognize that this is not selfish. This
33:04
Speaker 2: is your way to continue to show up and deliver
33:09
Speaker 2: the love and the care that your loved one needs.
33:12
Speaker 2: Because when you're caring for someone with Alzheimer's or another
33:16
Speaker 2: form of dementia and it's so all consuming, you are
33:20
Speaker 2: at a greater risk of getting the disease yourself because
33:23
Speaker 2: of that caregiver burden, because of that compassion fatigue. So
33:28
Speaker 2: it's a big, big headline to make sure you find
33:32
Speaker 2: your sanity sanctuaries and you carve out places of peace.
33:37
Speaker 2: And I don't mean to imply that every family will
33:40
Speaker 2: have financial reserves set aside to care for their well
33:44
Speaker 2: being in their later years, but there are systems we
33:48
Speaker 2: can all put in place, communities of support that we
33:51
Speaker 2: can access, and that starts with learning how to ask
33:56
Speaker 2: people for help, letting them in on our challenges and
34:01
Speaker 2: our thought process, and revealing the thing we need to heal.
34:06
Speaker 1: That's that, Yeah, it is so important to reveal your
34:10
Speaker 1: truth and what you need in the world. And then
34:13
Speaker 1: you never know, you know that just me maybe the
34:17
Speaker 1: thing that gets you the help that you need.
34:20
Speaker 2: Yeah, because you know, none of us is guaranteed tomorrow.
34:24
Speaker 2: And we all we look at the vibrancy of youth
34:29
Speaker 2: like that's the prize, and we all want to stay
34:31
Speaker 2: in that energy, and we all want to look like
34:33
Speaker 2: that person, and we all want to make that money
34:35
Speaker 2: and have that status and have that respect or whatever
34:38
Speaker 2: else it is that we assign to being young and vibrant.
34:43
Speaker 2: But that's not the prize. Aging is not the constellation round.
34:47
Speaker 2: Aging really is the last for which the first was made,
34:52
Speaker 2: and this is the time when we get to take
34:56
Speaker 2: out those dividends of all those investments that we made
34:59
Speaker 2: and we get to be reintroduced to that woman. I
35:05
Speaker 2: don't know if you've ever had this experience, because I mean,
35:07
Speaker 2: look at you, you look like that girl still. But
35:11
Speaker 2: when you sometimes look in the mirror and you go, oh, wait,
35:14
Speaker 2: what what happens? When did that happen?
35:19
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've felt that.
35:21
Speaker 2: It's weird, right, Yeah, it's weird, and it's like.
35:25
Speaker 1: You don't recognize yourself for a minute, and then of
35:28
Speaker 1: course you come back to it your senses and you
35:30
Speaker 1: think well being ridiculous. Of course that's me.
35:33
Speaker 2: I'm looking at me right, of course that's yes, we go,
35:37
Speaker 2: you know, but it sneaks up. And when when someone
35:41
Speaker 2: you know, after a certain point, after you're like twelve
35:43
Speaker 2: and a half or sixteen, people are really asking you
35:46
Speaker 2: your age anymore. But if they do and you put
35:48
Speaker 2: it on a form or something and it doesn't relate
35:51
Speaker 2: to you, like, oh wait what, that's an odd part
35:56
Speaker 2: of aging that that is really interesting. But that's a
36:02
Speaker 2: new chance to kind of get to know, have I
36:06
Speaker 2: done the work that I need to face this season
36:08
Speaker 2: in my life? And if I haven't done that work,
36:12
Speaker 2: then I need to get on it. They're not that
36:15
Speaker 2: many summers left, they're not that many holidays left, you know,
36:19
Speaker 2: and we think this life is infinite, like we always
36:22
Speaker 2: have time, and we don't. We really just don't.
36:27
Speaker 1: I just have to really thank you for sharing your
36:29
Speaker 1: time and your wisdom about all of this. I encourage
36:34
Speaker 1: my listeners to find your books and connect with Lisa's
36:37
Speaker 1: care Connection online for support. But before I let you go,
36:41
Speaker 1: Lisa Gibbons, what was your last I Choose me moment?
36:46
Speaker 2: Oh, I'm getting good at the I Choose me moments
36:48
Speaker 2: you are thanks easy encouraging it. I'm getting better at it.
36:52
Speaker 2: I think we all know when we feel overwhelmed or overstimulated,
36:58
Speaker 2: like things are just too much, and I get that
37:03
Speaker 2: way often. And when I get that way, I am
37:07
Speaker 2: choosing to say to the responsibilities or the people, or
37:11
Speaker 2: the events or the parties or the dinners or whatever
37:14
Speaker 2: wonderful things may be waiting for me, I'm able to
37:18
Speaker 2: choose to say, as I did last week, I'm going
37:23
Speaker 2: to take a night to sort of reset and refill
37:26
Speaker 2: my cup and nourish myself by just being quiet or
37:31
Speaker 2: taking a bath or watching some mindless Netflix, whatever the
37:35
Speaker 2: thing is that I need just be away from that
37:37
Speaker 2: for a moment. And I am able to identify it
37:41
Speaker 2: now as I'm saying no to something else, but I'm
37:45
Speaker 2: really saying yes to me, and I'm proud of that.
37:49
Speaker 1: Yeah, it feels good when you know yourself enough and
37:53
Speaker 1: you love yourself enough to take care of yourself.
37:56
Speaker 2: It feels great. It does, and I'm I'm so happy
38:01
Speaker 2: that you are reminding us all of the necessity to
38:04
Speaker 2: do that. And I think that as women, we sort
38:09
Speaker 2: of hold that emotional space for society, and the better
38:14
Speaker 2: we can can get at that, the healthier everything will become.
38:19
Speaker 2: I do believe that.
38:22
Speaker 1: Well, thank you again, everybody you know. If you need
38:24
Speaker 1: support or if you know somebody who needs support, check
38:27
Speaker 1: out Lisa's care Connection online. I thank you, and my
38:31
Speaker 1: mom thanks you.
38:32
Speaker 2: Thank you for that. I appreciate it, and we'd love
38:35
Speaker 2: to be of service and help and be well. My
38:37
Speaker 2: beautiful new friend,