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ADHD Discipline: Stop Punishing the Same Behavior Over and Over · Raising ADHD: Real Talk For Parents & Educators

• 0:00
  Apryl: If you've tried consequences with your ADHD child and they just don't work, today's episode is for you.
• 0:08
  Apryl: Hey there, welcome back to Raising ADHD.
• 0:10
  Apryl: I'm April Bradford, mom and wife of ADHDers and a former elementary school teacher.
• 0:16
  Apryl: And here at Raising ADHD, we take what the research says about ADHD and turn it into practical things you can actually use with your kids.
• 0:24
  Apryl: Last week we talked about why you've tried everything and nothing worked, and we really broke that down.
• 0:30
  Apryl: So I highly recommend going back and listening to that one and then coming back and listening to this one because they're going to go hand in hand.
• 0:39
  Apryl: So let's dive in where we were talking about last time.
• 0:44
  Apryl: We talked about why things don't work.
• 0:47
  Apryl: And essentially, we talked about we have to figure out what's happening underneath the behavior.
• 0:53
  Apryl: And then once we know what's happening underneath the behavior, we have to figure out how to change it.
• 0:59
  Apryl: Before we dive in though, I want to let you know if you have an ADHD battle that just keeps happening over and over and over, and you probably have lots of them.
• 1:08
  Apryl: I created something just for you.
• 1:10
  Apryl: It's called the ADHD reset.
• 1:12
  Apryl: You pick one battle that you're absolutely sick of having.
• 1:15
  Apryl: And over seven days, I will help you figure out what keeps getting stuck and what to do differently.
• 1:22
  Apryl: And the best part about this is it's totally overwhelm friendly because you can do all of it in less than 10 minutes today.
• 1:30
  Apryl: You can grab the ADHD reset at raisingadh.org slash reset.
• 1:35
  Apryl: Okay, let's dive into talking about consequences.
• 1:39
  Apryl: I think a lot of us have started using the words consequence and punishment interchangeably.
• 1:44
  Apryl: We say my child needs a consequence.
• 1:46
  Apryl: And what we're really meaning when we say my child needs a consequence is they need something to happen to them that they really don't like so that they'll think twice before doing that thing again, right?
• 1:57
  Apryl: They hit their brother, so we take the iPad away.
• 2:00
  Apryl: And we're hoping that that consequence of taking the iPad away will make it so next time that brother tries to grab the iPad out of their hands, they don't hit their brother or they don't do their homework, so they lose screen time, right?
• 2:10
  Apryl: And I'm not saying consequences are bad.
• 2:13
  Apryl: They are absolutely an effective part of discipline.
• 2:17
  Apryl: But I think we've started believing that if the consequence is upsetting enough, our child will remember it and make a better choice next time.
• 2:25
  Apryl: And when they don't, we make the consequence bigger.
• 2:27
  Apryl: So we take the iPad away for the day, and then the next time we take it away for two days, and then it's the week, and then you're never using the iPad, right?
• 2:35
  Apryl: And we like blow up.
• 2:37
  Apryl: One thing to note about consequences is consequences aren't necessarily a bad thing.
• 2:44
  Apryl: When we look at behavior and psychology, what a consequence is, is literally just whatever happened after a behavior.
• 2:56
  Apryl: So if, for example, your kiddo got their shoes on the first time you asked, and you said, Hey, thanks, buddy, you put your shoes on the first time I asked.
• 3:07
  Apryl: I'm so proud of you.
• 3:08
  Apryl: That's a consequence.
• 3:09
  Apryl: So consequences aren't punishments necessarily.
• 3:12
  Apryl: So that's one thing I want you to remember.
• 3:15
  Apryl: So when we're looking at behavior and consequences, and if they do or don't work, and escalating that consequence, or in in the correct term, the punishment of you know, taking away the screen or you're grounded for a week, and we're escalating that.
• 3:37
  Apryl: What the problem is, is that one of the things that we assume, I think, as you know, I have my kids are 12 years apart.
• 3:49
  Apryl: And as I've I was so young when I had um our first that by time my second came, and I had had so many years in the classroom between that two, I had a totally different view of parenting and childhood and kids just in general, that I realized, and especially now with my ADHD year, that I realized how we as adults expect our kids to perform at a level that we can't do ourselves.
• 4:26
  Apryl: So let me let me explain here, okay?
• 4:29
  Apryl: So we're gonna take it off of punishment for a minute, and I'm just gonna give you an example.
• 4:35
  Apryl: I think one that we all can resonate with very well is getting into shape, right?
• 4:40
  Apryl: So you've started, you've decided, you know what, I'm gonna start exercising, I'm gonna get in shape, I'm gonna be healthy, I'm gonna eat healthy, right?
• 4:47
  Apryl: And so you come up with this great, amazing plan.
• 4:49
  Apryl: And you're like, I'm gonna start going to the gym every morning at 6 a.m.
• 4:53
  Apryl: I'm gonna walk on the treadmill for an hour.
• 4:55
  Apryl: You've got the plan, you've got the walking shoes, you maybe even bought yourself a cute new outfit.
• 5:00
  Apryl: You're like, ready for this.
• 5:02
  Apryl: And you're gonna start Monday, right?
• 5:03
  Apryl: Because that's when we always start is Monday.
• 5:06
  Apryl: We can't start this on a Thursday.
• 5:07
  Apryl: So we're starting on Monday and Sunday night, you're like, yes, I've got this.
• 5:12
  Apryl: This is so good.
• 5:13
  Apryl: Monday morning rolls around, that 5:30 a.m.
• 5:16
  Apryl: alarm goes off, and you hit the snooze button.
• 5:20
  Apryl: Right?
• 5:20
  Apryl: Why?
• 5:22
  Apryl: Now, do you know exercise is good for you?
• 5:26
  Apryl: Yes, of course, you know exercise is good for you.
• 5:29
  Apryl: Do you understand the consequences of not exercising?
• 5:32
  Apryl: Absolutely.
• 5:33
  Apryl: You don't feel as good, right?
• 5:34
  Apryl: There's there's health issues that can come of extended time of not exercising, weight gain, all of the things, right?
• 5:41
  Apryl: There's so many things that we know the consequences of not exercising.
• 5:45
  Apryl: So why aren't you doing it then?
• 5:47
  Apryl: Why did you hit the snooze button on Monday?
• 5:50
  Apryl: This is exactly what we expect of our kids.
• 5:55
  Apryl: Knowing what to do and actually doing it consistently are two very different things.
• 6:01
  Apryl: I know exactly what to eat to eat healthy every single day.
• 6:07
  Apryl: I could list off every single thing to eat.
• 6:10
  Apryl: So why don't I do it?
• 6:12
  Apryl: That's a great question.
• 6:14
  Apryl: The problem is, is we start with these grandiose ideas.
• 6:18
  Apryl: Like, I'm gonna start walking one hour, six o'clock in the morning, and maybe you're like not a morning person, right?
• 6:27
  Apryl: We've put uh overwhelming expectations on you, and then we expect it to be perfect.
• 6:34
  Apryl: It's like, okay, this is my grand plan, this is what we're gonna do.
• 6:37
  Apryl: And when it doesn't turn out perfectly, when we don't do it perfectly, then we've failed.
• 6:42
  Apryl: And this is what we're doing with our kiddos.
• 6:45
  Apryl: Instead of starting with that one hour walk, what if you just committed to walking two minutes every single day for the next seven days?
• 6:55
  Apryl: Could you do that?
• 6:56
  Apryl: Yeah, you probably could.
• 6:58
  Apryl: And you could stay that commitment.
• 7:00
  Apryl: And what happens is when we create those, when we keep those promises with ourselves, then we create success, right?
• 7:07
  Apryl: And when we create success, we can keep going.
• 7:11
  Apryl: And what happens is we're doing the same thing with our kids, is we are like, okay, I cannot stand that every single time it's time to turn off the iPad, there's a complete and utter meltdown.
• 7:24
  Apryl: So we come up with this grand plan.
• 7:26
  Apryl: We're gonna use the timers, we're going to have transition time, and we have the whole plan laid out.
• 7:35
  Apryl: And then what happens when we implement that timer and it doesn't work, then we're like, it doesn't work.
• 7:43
  Apryl: My kid is always melting down.
• 7:45
  Apryl: And the problem here is that we've expected perfection from our kids.
• 7:49
  Apryl: We've expected that as soon as we implement using a timer, that that's gonna be all the magic and it's going to work.
• 7:57
  Apryl: And just like going to the gym when we have this plan and we expect it to be perfect and it's not doable, then it's it's never gonna work, right?
• 8:07
  Apryl: So when we talk about like walking for two minutes, we can get a quick win from that, right?
• 8:13
  Apryl: We make it doable, we practice it and we build consistency.
• 8:16
  Apryl: And eventually we increase that expectation.
• 8:20
  Apryl: That's how we build a habit.
• 8:23
  Apryl: But like I was saying, when it comes to our kids, we expect them to go from struggling with a behavior to doing it perfectly because we took their iPad away.
• 8:30
  Apryl: I want you to think about that for a minute.
• 8:33
  Apryl: We expect perfection.
• 8:35
  Apryl: I am totally guilty of this.
• 8:37
  Apryl: It's like if I mess up one little thing, then like just throw it all away because it wasn't perfect.
• 8:43
  Apryl: And we do the same thing with our kids.
• 8:46
  Apryl: We're expecting perfection from them instead of giving permission to start small when we're changing our behavior.
• 8:52
  Apryl: And we're expecting that behavior to change overnight.
• 8:55
  Apryl: And we all know behavior change takes way longer than overnight.
• 9:01
  Apryl: And when it comes to ADHD, this is really, really important because we know that ADHD can make things like stopping an impulse, managing frustration, remembering instructions, and switching tasks much, much harder.
• 9:14
  Apryl: So your child, just like you going to the gym, they can know exactly what they're supposed to do and still struggle to do it in that moment.
• 9:23
  Apryl: Just like that Monday morning, you had the perfect plan, the new outfit, the shoes set out, everything, and you still didn't do it.
• 9:29
  Apryl: It doesn't mean that we excuse the behavior.
• 9:32
  Apryl: It means that we have to teach and practice the skills to make that behavior possible.
• 9:38
  Apryl: And we have to do it in a way that's doable.
• 9:42
  Apryl: We can't expect perfection from the get-go.
• 9:45
  Apryl: So here's the thing that I want you to take away from today's episode.
• 9:50
  Apryl: We hold the limit, we teach the replacement, and we reinforce the progress.
• 9:55
  Apryl: We reinforce the progress, not the perfection.
• 9:59
  Apryl: Okay.
• 9:59
  Apryl: We have to do all three.
• 10:01
  Apryl: So let's go back to the iPad.
• 10:03
  Apryl: Little brother reaches for it, big brother pushes him.
• 10:06
  Apryl: We step in, stop.
• 10:08
  Apryl: You cannot push your brother.
• 10:10
  Apryl: We hold that limit and we separate them and we make sure everyone is safe.
• 10:15
  Apryl: So maybe the iPad session ends for now.
• 10:18
  Apryl: That's the boundary.
• 10:20
  Apryl: We've held the limit, you cannot push your brother, and the iPad session is done for now.
• 10:25
  Apryl: That's our boundary.
• 10:27
  Apryl: And here's where we stop.
• 10:29
  Apryl: We often stop at that.
• 10:30
  Apryl: You lost the iPad.
• 10:32
  Apryl: And then we expect, like we talked about, we expect that our kids will remember, oh, I lost the iPad yesterday, so I better not push my brother today.
• 10:40
  Apryl: But the problem is that tomorrow we're dealing with the same thing.
• 10:45
  Apryl: The consequence didn't work, right?
• 10:48
  Apryl: Because what does big brother do when his little brother tries to grab the iPad again?
• 10:53
  Apryl: We didn't teach that part.
• 10:55
  Apryl: He doesn't know what to do.
• 10:57
  Apryl: It's really frustrating, even as an adult, if I'm using my phone and my daughter grabs it out of my hand, I'm irritated, right?
• 11:04
  Apryl: As an adult.
• 11:05
  Apryl: So a kid doesn't know what to do when the brother is grabbing the iPad.
• 11:11
  Apryl: We did not teach that step.
• 11:13
  Apryl: So maybe he needs to learn how to say stop if I'm still using that.
• 11:19
  Apryl: Or maybe he needs to practice asking an adult for help.
• 11:23
  Apryl: Hey, mom, Johnny stole the iPad from me.
• 11:27
  Apryl: And instead of pushing little brother and pulling the iPad back, he lets little brother have it, walks away, and goes and tells mom.
• 11:34
  Apryl: And then what does mom do?
• 11:36
  Apryl: Here's the consequence for this one.
• 11:37
  Apryl: Mom goes to Johnny and says, Johnny, it's Joey's turn still to play the iPad.
• 11:44
  Apryl: And now, now, guess what?
• 11:46
  Apryl: They know that they can rely on you for that help.
• 11:49
  Apryl: And we've taught them what to do when they're struggling with their little brother, right?
• 11:56
  Apryl: Or maybe another thing could be recognizing, recognizing when he's getting frustrated.
• 12:01
  Apryl: Or maybe we need a clearer system of taking turns with the iPad.
• 12:06
  Apryl: This is Joey's time.
• 12:07
  Apryl: This is Johnny's time.
• 12:09
  Apryl: Okay.
• 12:10
  Apryl: So those are all different possibilities.
• 12:14
  Apryl: And this is where it connects directly to last week's episode.
• 12:18
  Apryl: We have to become the detectives instead of the firefighters.
• 12:21
  Apryl: So instead of immediately jumping to another consequence or strategy, we have to figure out what's actually breaking down.
• 12:29
  Apryl: Because, like I said last week, once we understand that, we can teach the replacement.
• 12:34
  Apryl: So let's say we're working on asking for help instead of pushing.
• 12:38
  Apryl: We don't wait until little brother is grabbing the iPad to teach that.
• 12:41
  Apryl: We practice when everyone's calm, because no one can learn in that moment where the iPad just got pulled away, everyone's frustrated, little brother's crying because he got pushed, right?
• 12:52
  Apryl: No one's going to learn in that situation.
• 12:54
  Apryl: So after that situation, when things are calm, that's when we teach.
• 13:00
  Apryl: Hey, let's practice what you can do if brother tries to take something you're using.
• 13:04
  Apryl: And then we act it out.
• 13:06
  Apryl: We can make it silly.
• 13:08
  Apryl: And research shows, behavioral parent training shows this actually works.
• 13:14
  Apryl: And these are the steps that we're missing when we're putting those consequences into place.
• 13:19
  Apryl: Okay.
• 13:20
  Apryl: So we make it silly, we play.
• 13:23
  Apryl: Maybe mom pretends to grab the iPad and your child practices practices saying, Stop, I'm using that.
• 13:29
  Apryl: And then you flip this, flip it, and your kiddo's playing the iPad and you try to steal it from them and you practice.
• 13:37
  Apryl: And then you practice that if little brother doesn't stop when you ask stop, then you go to mom and you say, Mom, I need help.
• 13:43
  Apryl: Then the next time they're playing, maybe we stay nearby so we can remind them of those things before they escalate.
• 13:51
  Apryl: So the next time they're playing, we kind of just, you know, out of the corner of our eye, we're watching them.
• 13:57
  Apryl: We see little brother go over and we see what is starting to happen.
• 14:02
  Apryl: Little brother grabs it, and you are that reminder.
• 14:07
  Apryl: You're that support in that moment because just like behavior change, this is why people hire like personal trainers.
• 14:16
  Apryl: It's someone to hold them accountable and to remind them hey, I made this commitment to myself.
• 14:22
  Apryl: I want to show up.
• 14:23
  Apryl: This is my goal.
• 14:24
  Apryl: And it's the same thing with our kids is we have to be the person to help remind them, remind them, remind them, right?
• 14:32
  Apryl: So we're watching out of the corner of our eye, we're watching little brother go.
• 14:36
  Apryl: We know exactly what's going to happen.
• 14:38
  Apryl: And in that moment, we can remind our older kiddo, hey, remember what we say when Johnny pulls the iPad.
• 14:47
  Apryl: And then when Johnny pulls the iPad, we watch and see what happens.
• 14:52
  Apryl: And it may not be perfect, just like our workouts may not be perfect.
• 14:56
  Apryl: But if it's something like stop, don't do that, right?
• 15:01
  Apryl: And then they push, guess what?
• 15:03
  Apryl: That's progress.
• 15:04
  Apryl: Even though they still pushed, they vocalized the stop.
• 15:08
  Apryl: And then we can still work from there.
• 15:11
  Apryl: So it's literally these baby steps.
• 15:14
  Apryl: I know I've mentioned this on the podcast before, but if you have not seen the show, um, what about Bob?
• 15:19
  Apryl: It's a funny show.
• 15:20
  Apryl: It's an older show, it's funny, but it's a psychiatrist, and he wrote a book called Baby Steps.
• 15:26
  Apryl: It's truly, if you want behavior change, it's these baby steps repeated over and over and over again.
• 15:33
  Apryl: Okay.
• 15:34
  Apryl: So we want to praise the progress.
• 15:37
  Apryl: Oh my gosh, Joey, you told your brother, stop.
• 15:41
  Apryl: I'm so proud of you.
• 15:43
  Apryl: Thank you for using what we've worked on.
• 15:47
  Apryl: Now, next time, remember what's the next step?
• 15:51
  Apryl: When we say stop, after we say say stop, if Johnny doesn't stop, what can you do next time?
• 15:57
  Apryl: Instead of pushing, what do we do?
• 15:59
  Apryl: I come ask you for help.
• 16:00
  Apryl: Exactly.
• 16:01
  Apryl: You're gonna come ask me for help.
• 16:03
  Apryl: You won't lose the iPad, right?
• 16:05
  Apryl: And we work on that.
• 16:06
  Apryl: We keep working on that.
• 16:09
  Apryl: Okay, that's what we want to build on.
• 16:12
  Apryl: We want this progress because, like I said, we expect, we put in a consequence, and it doesn't work.
• 16:20
  Apryl: It's because we're not creating the reps needed to practice to build that muscle.
• 16:27
  Apryl: Okay.
• 16:28
  Apryl: I want to go over with you really quickly as we're progressing through supporting our kiddos.
• 16:37
  Apryl: I want to talk about what building a skill can actually look at, look like.
• 16:41
  Apryl: I'm going to use a different example here.
• 16:44
  Apryl: Okay.
• 16:44
  Apryl: So let's say your child forgets their backpack every single morning.
• 16:47
  Apryl: Every morning you're yelling, don't forget your backpack, and you're thinking, how many times do I have to remind my child to remember their backpack or their lunch, right?
• 16:54
  Apryl: Here's the thing: remembering something is a skill.
• 16:58
  Apryl: That is a skill.
• 16:59
  Apryl: For kids with ADHD, remembering to do something at the right time can be very difficult.
• 17:04
  Apryl: So instead of just telling them to remember harder, hey, remember, remember, remember, we can teach them how to use supports.
• 17:11
  Apryl: So I like to use this thing that I call the five-level skills ladder.
• 17:16
  Apryl: Okay.
• 17:17
  Apryl: So there's five levels to it, and our kiddo progresses up the ladder.
• 17:21
  Apryl: And this is exactly how I have been able to create the behavior change in our house with my ADHD year.
• 17:31
  Apryl: We especially one of the routines, and this is we're not always working on everything at once.
• 17:37
  Apryl: We like to take one battle and work on that.
• 17:40
  Apryl: Our mornings, if you follow me on Instagram, you I've shared our checklist.
• 17:46
  Apryl: I was putting in a checklist because I was level one for my daughter, which we'll get to the levels.
• 17:52
  Apryl: But progressively, then I put in a checklist and then I became the cues for the support.
• 17:59
  Apryl: And then guess what?
• 18:01
  Apryl: That support went so fast.
• 18:04
  Apryl: Like she can get ready on her own without me giving any reminders.
• 18:09
  Apryl: Like it has been an amazing transformation to watch.
• 18:13
  Apryl: So let's talk about these levels and I'll use her as an example.
• 18:17
  Apryl: Level one is I remember for them.
• 18:20
  Apryl: So anytime we build skills, we also want to build in supports.
• 18:25
  Apryl: And the supports are environmental supports and you're the support to get started.
• 18:32
  Apryl: So in level one, it's I remember for them.
• 18:35
  Apryl: So we've always built in the environmental support because what we want to do is as our kids move up this skills ladder, you are going to step back as the support, and the only thing that's going to be the support is the environment.
• 18:47
  Apryl: So we want to set up the environment to do this.
• 18:49
  Apryl: So, for example, for my daughter, I created for our morning routine, and I have a podcast episode on this, I'll link it in the show notes.
• 18:57
  Apryl: Our morning routine, I noticed that if my daughter went upstairs to her bedroom, because our downstairs is like the main living area where kitchen everything is, if she went upstairs, she would get distracted.
• 19:09
  Apryl: So I moved her clothes.
• 19:12
  Apryl: We have a weekly clothes organizer in my closet.
• 19:16
  Apryl: We filled that up on the weekend.
• 19:19
  Apryl: We filled that up so her clothes are ready to go.
• 19:22
  Apryl: Her shoes are by the back door.
• 19:24
  Apryl: Her toothbrush is in my bathroom because my bathroom's on the main level.
• 19:28
  Apryl: So she brushes her teeth, she does everything, hair supplies, everything is in the downstairs.
• 19:36
  Apryl: So she never goes upstairs.
• 19:38
  Apryl: Okay.
• 19:38
  Apryl: So we've we've set up the environment for success for her.
• 19:42
  Apryl: And then we I created a consistent routine.
• 19:45
  Apryl: We do the same thing every single day.
• 19:47
  Apryl: She comes down, she eats breakfast, then we get ready, and we go in the same order like every single day.
• 19:54
  Apryl: So with that, I was the one for a very long time, as we were getting that routine, very much muscle memory.
• 20:04
  Apryl: I was the one that after she would eat breakfast, I would say, okay, go brush your teeth, get dressed, get your shoes on, let's do your hair, grab your backpack, right?
• 20:15
  Apryl: I was the one who was telling her all of those things.
• 20:18
  Apryl: And then we moved to the level to support.
• 20:22
  Apryl: Okay.
• 20:23
  Apryl: So then what I did is I have a checklist for her and it's keychain checklist.
• 20:29
  Apryl: It's a she loved it.
• 20:30
  Apryl: It was great.
• 20:31
  Apryl: She was very excited about it.
• 20:33
  Apryl: So now what happened is that she had the checklist of all the things that she needed to do.
• 20:38
  Apryl: And I was cueing the support.
• 20:40
  Apryl: Instead of me saying, Hey, go brush your teeth, hey, go get dressed, I would say, hey, what's on your checklist?
• 20:47
  Apryl: And then she would tell me, Oh, I need to go brush my teeth.
• 20:49
  Apryl: Great, get your teeth.
• 20:51
  Apryl: Or I would say, hey, what else is left on your checklist left to do before you can leave?
• 20:57
  Apryl: Those are the things.
• 20:58
  Apryl: So I was cueing the support.
• 21:00
  Apryl: Level three, something else can cue the support.
• 21:05
  Apryl: So maybe there's the checklist right beside the door.
• 21:08
  Apryl: What I would do was I would just put the checklist right next to her place where she eats breakfast.
• 21:14
  Apryl: So it was right there for her.
• 21:15
  Apryl: An alarm can go off.
• 21:16
  Apryl: We use alarms a lot.
• 21:17
  Apryl: It's time I have an alarm that goes off.
• 21:20
  Apryl: It's time to get ready for school.
• 21:21
  Apryl: That's also the reminder to look at your checklist.
• 21:24
  Apryl: There could be a visual in the bathroom mirror.
• 21:26
  Apryl: So now the environment is doing some of the reminding instead of you.
• 21:31
  Apryl: Then level four, as they're moving up, you can see that you're stepping back and they're becoming more independent.
• 21:38
  Apryl: My level four is my child uses the support.
• 21:41
  Apryl: Your child starts thinking, oh, I need to check my checklist.
• 21:44
  Apryl: Oh, I should set an alarm so I don't forget, right?
• 21:47
  Apryl: They're starting to implement these things.
• 21:50
  Apryl: My daughter, independently, uses the checklist, right?
• 21:54
  Apryl: They're beginning to use the tools with less involvement from you.
• 21:58
  Apryl: And that's the goal is we want.
• 22:00
  Apryl: To create the independence.
• 22:01
  Apryl: And level five is truly that independence.
• 22:04
  Apryl: And this is where it's such a huge change.
• 22:07
  Apryl: Instead of them feeling broken and their brains are broken, they know, like, oh, this is how my brain works, and they start to create the support themselves.
• 22:15
  Apryl: So this is where we're trying to get.
• 22:18
  Apryl: Your child recognizes, oh, I'm probably going to forget this.
• 22:22
  Apryl: And then they figure out what to do about it.
• 22:24
  Apryl: Maybe they write it down.
• 22:25
  Apryl: Maybe they set an alarm.
• 22:26
  Apryl: Maybe they put their backpack right in front of the door.
• 22:29
  Apryl: My daughter will say, Hey, mom, I need to remember this for tomorrow.
• 22:34
  Apryl: So can you help me remember?
• 22:36
  Apryl: That's the support for her.
• 22:37
  Apryl: And then I'll say to her, there's no way I'm going to remember that.
• 22:40
  Apryl: Let's go put a sticky note.
• 22:42
  Apryl: Because I too have working memory issues, apparently.
• 22:46
  Apryl: But that is what we want is we want to help them learn how to create and use those supports themselves.
• 22:53
  Apryl: That's independence.
• 22:55
  Apryl: Independence doesn't mean doing everything from my memory without help.
• 22:59
  Apryl: It means knowing what you need and being able to put those supports in place.
• 23:04
  Apryl: We're not going to get there by repeating, how many times do I have to tell you to get ready or get your shoes on?
• 23:11
  Apryl: We get there by teaching the skill.
• 23:13
  Apryl: We support it, we practice it, and we gradually step back.
• 23:16
  Apryl: Here is a caveat with this, though.
• 23:18
  Apryl: Your child may use the checklist independently on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday, they still need reminders.
• 23:24
  Apryl: That's okay.
• 23:25
  Apryl: Remember, progress is not a straight line.
• 23:29
  Apryl: Progress is not a straight line.
• 23:31
  Apryl: I want you to remember that.
• 23:32
  Apryl: We're building a skill, we're not expecting perfection.
• 23:36
  Apryl: That's what I want you to start thinking about with the battles happening in your house.
• 23:40
  Apryl: Not just how do I make this behavior stop, but what does my child need to learn and how can I help them practice it?
• 23:48
  Apryl: This is why when we're looking at consequences and punishment, essentially a lot of us are thinking when we say consequences, like we talked about, we're thinking punishment.
• 23:57
  Apryl: But the consequences are what happened after the behavior.
• 24:00
  Apryl: When my daughter gets dressed on her own and looked at her um checklist, you better believe the consequence she's getting for that is praise.
• 24:11
  Apryl: Like we, I'm gonna praise the heck out of her and tell her how proud I am and how you know grown up she's becoming.
• 24:19
  Apryl: And because I want to reinforce that behavior.
• 24:23
  Apryl: To wrap this up, I want to just mention one thing here because I think this is really, really important.
• 24:30
  Apryl: Sometimes I'll share something about ADHD parenting and someone will comment, this it drives me crazy.
• 24:38
  Apryl: Well, when I was a kid, I got punished and I learned pretty quickly.
• 24:43
  Apryl: Oh man, if my dad gave me a sweet kick in the button, we listened, or if I would have talked to my dad like that, my parents didn't put up with that.
• 24:53
  Apryl: I hear that all the time.
• 24:55
  Apryl: And I'm not saying that punishment can't change behavior because yeah, it can.
• 25:02
  Apryl: But I want to ask a bigger question here.
• 25:08
  Apryl: What are we actually trying to accomplish when we discipline our kids?
• 25:11
  Apryl: Is our goal simply to get them to stop the behavior, stop them doing that behavior because they're afraid of what happens if they don't?
• 25:18
  Apryl: Or is our goal to help them develop the skills they need to manage themselves?
• 25:23
  Apryl: Because those two things are not the same thing.
• 25:26
  Apryl: For me, yes, I want my kids to listen.
• 25:29
  Apryl: I want them to be respectful, I want them to take responsibilities for the actions, but I also want them growing up, understanding how their brains work.
• 25:39
  Apryl: I want them to recognize when something is hard and know what to do about that.
• 25:43
  Apryl: And I want them to be able to handle frustration, to solve problems, to navigate relationships, to become confident, independent adults.
• 25:51
  Apryl: I want them to get there with their self-esteem intact.
• 25:56
  Apryl: Like I said, we're wrapping this up.
• 25:58
  Apryl: But one of the biggest things that I realized this past weekend, um, Paris Hilton invited a whole bunch of ADHD influencers to her house.
• 26:07
  Apryl: And a lot of the messages that I noticed after the event was people saying, I finally was in a place where I didn't feel broken.
• 26:20
  Apryl: People understood.
• 26:22
  Apryl: I grew up my whole life thinking that something was wrong with me.
• 26:27
  Apryl: I was broken.
• 26:28
  Apryl: That's not the message that I want my daughter growing up with.
• 26:32
  Apryl: I want her to understand that her brain works differently, but it doesn't mean that she's broken.
• 26:39
  Apryl: It just means that we use different strategies.
• 26:42
  Apryl: I want that's the message that I want her to grow up with.
• 26:46
  Apryl: And I don't think that using harsher punishment is going to get her there.
• 26:52
  Apryl: So that's why I'm so passionate about this work and helping our kids really understand and getting there in a way that builds that independence for them.
• 27:07
  Apryl: I don't want them growing up thinking they're bad kids because they struggled with things other kids seem to do easily.
• 27:13
  Apryl: I don't want them to be afraid to come to me when they've made a mistake.
• 27:18
  Apryl: That's what raising ADHD is about.
• 27:21
  Apryl: We're not raising kids who never made mistakes, we're raising kids who learned from them.
• 27:25
  Apryl: And we're not just trying to stop today's behavior, we're building the skills they'll need for the rest of their lives.
• 27:32
  Apryl: So here's what I want you to think about.
• 27:34
  Apryl: What's the one battle in your house that you're absolutely sick of having?
• 27:38
  Apryl: Is it homework?
• 27:39
  Apryl: Is it getting out the door?
• 27:40
  Apryl: Is it getting off the iPad, brushing teeth?
• 27:42
  Apryl: Whatever it is, I want you to think about how much time you spent trying to get your child to stop doing that.
• 27:47
  Apryl: How many consequences have you put it in place?
• 27:50
  Apryl: Because you can keep trying different consequences for war charts, strategies, hoping something finally works, or you can start approaching the battle differently.
• 27:58
  Apryl: That's why I created the ADHD reset.
• 28:01
  Apryl: It's a simple seven-day program where you pick one battle and I walk you through figuring out what's actually happening, where your child is getting stuck, and what to try next.
• 28:10
  Apryl: And like I said, I made it so incredibly ridiculously doable because I know you're exhausted.
• 28:17
  Apryl: It takes less than 10 minutes a day, no hours of videos, no giant parenting course, no 47 new strategies to try, just one battle and a practical plan to start changing it.
• 28:27
  Apryl: I'm not promising that your child's behavior will magically disappear in seven days.
• 28:32
  Apryl: I can promise that you're going to stop guessing and you're going to start understanding exactly what to work on with your kiddo, just like we talked about in this episode.
• 28:41
  Apryl: So you're going to pick one battle, give me seven days, and we are going to start working on all the things we talked about in this episode.
• 28:50
  Apryl: You can get that, the adhd reset at raisingadh.org slash reset.
• 28:56
  Apryl: I'll put the link in the show notes too.
• 28:58
  Apryl: So here's what I want you to remember today consequences can be a part of discipline, but making your child feel bad isn't the same as teaching them how to do better.
• 29:06
  Apryl: Hold the limit, teach the replacement, reinforce the progress, and remember we're not lowering our expectations.
• 29:12
  Apryl: We're teaching our kids the skills they need to meet them.
• 29:15
  Apryl: I'll see you next week on Raising ADHD.