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The One Sentence That De-escalates Almost Any Argument · Trauma Free Relationship

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Have you ever been in an argument where it feels like no
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matter what you say, it just makes things worse?
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You try to explain and then they get more upset.
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Then you try to defend yourself, which continues the escalation,
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and suddenly you're not even arguing about the original issue
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anymore. You're stuck in a cycle.
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Today I'm going to give you one sentence.
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Just one that can begin to interrupt that cycle in real
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time, to begin to interrupt that painful pattern.
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Now, it's not going to fix everything instantly, but it
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will begin to interrupt and deescalate almost any argument
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in real time. And we'll talk about the exact
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scripts and what that looks like to be able to do that.
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But we're going to start with just one sentence today.
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Welcome to trauma free relationship.
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I'm your host, Tom Philp, and I've been helping couples for
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years breakthrough painful patterns that keep them stuck so
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they can communicate better, repair more quickly, and stay
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connected. Let's get started.
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OK, as I mentioned in the opening, if it feels like with
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so many couples that they get, they get stuck in these patterns
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and no matter what, when they sit down and try to talk about
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something, that same pattern plays out.
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And for both partners, whether 1 is more anxious or one is more
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avoidant in their their attachment style or not, it
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feels like once that train starts coming, they can't stop
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it because the cycle will play out in the same pattern and it
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ends up keeping the couple stuck.
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And so here's what most people get wrong.
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It's it's arguments don't escalate because of the content.
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They escalate because of the lack of emotional safety.
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And the engine that drives cycles is dysregulation.
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So I was sitting with a couple just the other day and they're
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they're a wonderful couple. They're a beautiful couple.
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They are, they've been married a long, long time, 2530 years.
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They're both all in. They're not on the edge of
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divorce, but man, they are exhausted with the cycle that
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plays out in their relationship. And we were recounting a
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particular episode where they got frustrated with each other.
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And when we drilled down, what happened was they got stuck in
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the feedback loop where somebody asked a question, one partner
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did, the other one responded in a way that was a little bit
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elevated, which then fed back to the other partner that will, how
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dare you ask a question. And, and that's their
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interpretation. That's not what was really said,
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but the interpretation was, well, how dare you ask a
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question or what a silly question to ask or, you know,
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that there was some great expectation behind it.
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And so then the other partner, you know, responds with a bit of
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an attitude, right? Hey, I'm just asking a question.
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The tone shifts ever so slightly, just a little more
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defensively, and then the other partner reacts to that tone.
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And so it doesn't take much imagination here to see where
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this feedback loop is created and where so many couples get
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stuck. And when that happens, emotional
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safety drops, connection drops, defenses increase, and the cycle
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starts to escalate. And so in those moments, your
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partner feels unheard, misunderstood, and an
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unemotionally and not emotionally safe right, because
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their nervous system goes into protection mode.
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And when that happens, logic stops working.
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When we are in our protection mode, whether we start to shut
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down or whether we start to get super anxious, when we start to
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get really flooded with emotion, then the natural thing is for us
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to decrease the neuronal firings in our prefrontal cortex.
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In other words, the area right behind our forehead where we are
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able to logic and reason and and have empathy and stay connected
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with somebody, it starts having less firing and an increases the
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firing in our amygdala, our emotional center, and especially
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our fight or flight center. So if we had a map, we could
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literally see the color drain from the prefrontal cortex right
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behind our forehead. You'd see the color that would
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light up, that shows neurons firing in that area.
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It starts to go dark. And then you see this area in
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the midbrain that starts to really light up and get bright.
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And so I'm hoping, hopefully I'm kind of painting a picture for
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you there because that's literally what happens under
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functional MRI machines. As you could see the blood flow
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start to dissipate out of the logic area of the brain and it
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starts to increase in the emotional centers of the brain.
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And when that happens, we misunderstand, we mis hear, we
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misinterpret what our partners saying.
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And so This is why so often conversations end up going down
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rabbit holes is because they, you know, one partner feels
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defensive. And so they start to try to
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explain themself. And then maybe they, they bring
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in an example from the past. Well, now the other partners
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hearing that will this, you know, they're not in their logic
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brain. So they're not saying, oh, well,
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you're just using an example. This is perfectly fine.
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I know you're just trying to explain yourself.
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No, what they hear is, well, now you're attacking me.
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And now we're bringing in something that happened three
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years ago. Why are we talking about that?
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And you can just see this whole thing begin to devolve.
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And so, you know, emotional safety get sucked out the
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window, so to speak. Neither partner begins to feel
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heard or understood. And here's the crucial point.
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Here is the crucial, crucial point.
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At this point, neither partner starts to recognize the cycle.
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And This is why we talk so much about cycles, because it's at
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this point, or one or both partners need to say, hang on,
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hang on, we're doing our dance again, or we're caught in a
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cycle again, or hey, let's slow this down for a minute because
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we're A-Team here and I want us to be able to work through this
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together. But I also sense that we might
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be falling into our cycle again. Can we just lower the
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temperature a little bit? Any phrase at that point would
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be really helpful in order to lower the temperature because
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that's what's so important in that moment.
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So those are not the phrases that we're going to talk about
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today, but those are some of them that are really important
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and some that I would definitely add.
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So when one or both partners are in their protection, right, it's
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going to be really difficult for them to be able to logic their
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way out of an escalated nervous system.
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You just can't do it. You just can't logic your way
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out of an escalated nervous system.
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So if one or both partners are are in their protection, here's
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the phrase and the other partner has the capacity in that moment
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to see the cycle, here's the phrase that almost deescalates
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it immediately, and here it is. I can see why you feel that way.
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I can see why you feel that way. That is a powerful, powerful
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statement and that's the one I chose for the podcast today.
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There's probably plenty others, including a couple I already I
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already mentioned a few minutes ago.
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But the one phrase that really helps your partner begin to
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deescalate if they are getting escalated is I can see why you
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feel that way. Because what it does is it
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invites your partner into a conversation, not not a
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defensive stance. It doesn't feel like an attack.
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It's actually a bridge that says, OK, we're beginning to get
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escalated, but here's a bridge we can take to get de escalated.
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Here's a way to bridge to a place where we feel more heard,
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more understood and more safe to begin to open up and talk.
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I can see why you feel that way. And so there's three points I
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want to make about that. The first one is that's a form
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of validation. What you're telling your partner
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is that you actually get where they're coming from.
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Now, notice that phrase. It doesn't say.
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I can see why you look at it like that, or you make an
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excellent point. You must be right, because
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that's not validation. Validation is letting somebody
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know you get how they feel. And so being able to say, I can
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see why you feel that way. It's because you're human too.
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And at some point you've gotten frustrated and you've gotten
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upset or you felt rejected or abandoned or, and, and you can,
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you can actually empathize with that feeling.
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So what you're validating is the feeling behind what they're
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feeling, not necessarily the content.
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It doesn't have to be the content that you're validating.
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And that's really important because I think a lot of people
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feel like, well, if I say I, I, I could see it that way, then it
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means they're right and I'm wrong and I just don't think
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they're right. And that's not what you're
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saying. You're not saying that they're
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right and that you are wrong. All you're saying is, hey, I can
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understand why you feel that way.
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I can see how you feel that way. So validating is just letting
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them know that you can see it that way.
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That way they immediately start to feel more heard and, and,
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and, and it make there may be a little lag moment.
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There may be a moment where they're not quite getting calm
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yet. But if you say that and they've
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really feel that you mean it more heard, then you know, in a
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few minutes you're going to start to see their tone soften.
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Just a hair. It won't be as sharp, it won't
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be as crisp, it won't be as biting.
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It's it'll, it'll just be softened just a hair.
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So you have to stick with it. I could see why you feel that
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way. If if they respond with a, a
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sharp tone, just stick with it. OK?
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Don't respond to the sharp tone. I get it.
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I understand. I can see why you would be
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upset. Another way to phrase it.
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That makes sense why you'd feel hurt.
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Another way to phrase it. I get why that landed that way
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for you. Another way you can phrase it.
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I felt that way before. I can see why that would be
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hurtful, right? Any of those kinds of validating
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statements is going to help your partner begin to deescalate now.
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This is assuming that both partners aren't escalated
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because it's very possible in that moment that the other
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partner is also escalated and they're not on a place where
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they can say, I see why you feel that way.
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So this is one of those situations where this phrase has
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to be able to be used by one partner.
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That's not escalated yet, which is why, why it's important to
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catch it early. It's really important to catch
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these things early. So part of what you're doing
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when you say, I can see why you feel that way is you are
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validating the feeling for your partner.
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I'm sure we've all had this similar experience where
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somebody's upset or angry or mad and you've seen, you've seen
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them start to get, you know, pretty animated or whatever.
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And, and, and their voice raises and, and they're getting very
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expressive in their tone and sharp with, with their tone.
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And if somebody tells them you need to calm down, does that go
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over well? Absolutely not.
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Absolutely not. They usually get even more
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upset. Why?
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Because it's the opposite of I can see why you feel that way.
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You need to calm down sends the message.
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The subtext of that communication is you don't have
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any right to be upset. You're overreacting.
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Just stop it, right? It makes somebody feel less
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heard, less understood. So usually if we use that phrase
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on them, you need to calm down, they get even more upset.
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So when you are engaging with somebody, and this is true of
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whether it's your partner engaging somebody at work,
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whether it's a colleague or whether it's a parent or sibling
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or a friend, anybody in your life, this is one of those tools
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to have in your back pocket that can help deescalate things.
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I could see why you feel that way and you can even add some
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specifics onto it. I could see why you feel that
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way because that's a really difficult project with such a
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short timeline. Of course you're frustrated.
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You should have been giving them more heads up.
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I can see why you feel that way, brother or sister, because mom
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can be so difficult to deal with sometimes, right?
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So you can even add a little bit of the context onto it, which
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even just enriches that statement even more because it's
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not just so broad. Oh, it will be helpful, but it
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also will really allow you to, you know, put specifics on to
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it, which can be helpful to the person as well.
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So the first point is that it's, it's this is a validation, which
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validation usually de escalates people, not, not escalates them.
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The second thing you can do is name the impact, not your
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intent. Hey, I could see why you would
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feel that way. Perhaps I said it with a certain
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tone, but that's not the way I meant it.
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But I, I totally get that, that that came across in in sort of a
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difficult way. An excellent example of this is
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a personal example. So my wife and I were trying to
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talk to through some stuff the other night and, and I was
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really tired. I just had a, had a long day
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really be didn't have much, you know, capacity to, to handle
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complex thought that evening. And, but she was, she was
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helping me with some things and she had some questions about it.
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And I think because I was so tired, I came across as more
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impatient. And so, you know, we, we, we
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kind of had a moment, if you will, where we're like, hey,
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what, what's going on here? What's happening?
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Because we both started kind of getting a little bit defensive
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and using some tones and we had to stop and we had to slow it
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down and we had to acknowledge, hey, you know, I'm, I'm, you're
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helping me here. I recognize that if I'm coming
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across as impatient, it's not because I'm upset with you.
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I'm just really tired and, and I just, I'm, I'm trying to muster
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whatever energy I have in order to be able to address these
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questions. And so, you know, we had to kind
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of find our way into, oh, OK, how can we validate what's
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happening here for each other so that we become de escalated.
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But being able to name the impact without and separate that
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from your intent is really also important.
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And in some ways, it does that. So if you say, I can see why you
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feel that way, Part of what you're saying is I understand
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the impact my words have on you just now.
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So that's point #2 is you're also letting them know that,
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hey, you're talking to me and something just happened between
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US and I can understand the impact.
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Now. You might clarify the intent in
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that moment. You might not.
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It just depends. But either way, what you're
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doing is you're teasing that apart.
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There's a difference between an impact and the intent.
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When our boys were really small and, and they're three years
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apart and they would play together, inevitably the older
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child would end up hurting our younger child.
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And of course, the younger child then would get hurt and they
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would come screaming to mom or dad, you know, oh, my brother
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hurt me and blah, blah, blah. And then, you know, we would
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calm that person down, you know, that child down.
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And then we would go back to the older child and as soon as we
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even said 2 words to him, he would get defensive.
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I didn't mean to. And we always had to talk him
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down. And we would say, look son, we
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know you didn't mean to. You guys were playing, you were
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roughhousing. We know this is what you do.
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I understand that you did not mean to hurt him at all.
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And we're not saying that you meant to hurt him, but the
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impact was that you did hurt him.
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And the behavior was that you did, even though it was an
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accident. Can you just apologize for the
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behavior? And then he would calm down and
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he's so sorry. And you know, and they would,
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you know, 2 minutes later, they would go right back doing the
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same thing that got him hurt in the 1st place.
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But what we had to do is help him tease apart.
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Hey, we know the intent was not to hurt him.
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You're older, you're bigger. We know that you're not trying
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to hurt your brother, but you did hurt your brother, and so
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you need to say sorry because the impact was that it did hurt
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him. So when we use that phrase, I
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understand how you feel. Part of the subtext is we're
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saying that I recognize something I've said or did might
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have hurt your feelings in this moment.
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And that's really important to be able to recognize that and,
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and, and, and talk about that as well.
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OK, point #3 this statement invites repair without trying to
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focus on winning. Notice I see how you feel.
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This way is not about me over you or me under you.
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It's not about you. Better listen to me because my
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point is more valid than yours. It's not about whose perception
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of reality is going to win out, but rather is It is a moment and
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a step towards repair because what you're doing is you're
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softening and saying, I get where you're coming from.
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And so that is a great step towards repair.
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You can also add on something like, I don't want us to fight
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like this, or hey, can we reset and figure this out together or
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I'm on your team even if we're upset or hey, I we're in our
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cycle again, can we stop and slow this down so we can work on
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this together? I really want to be able to hear
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what you have to say. So any of those additional
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phrases you could add on to that.
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I understand how you feel because this is a step towards
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repair and reconnection because in that moment we've had a tiny
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rupture. No matter how you know big the
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escalation might get between the two of you.
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If either of you've been triggered and are in your
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protection, we've got the makings of a rupture.
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Here we are in a rupture. The emotional bond is sort of
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broken for the moment. I don't mean permanently, but it
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in that moment the emotional tie has been severed a little bit.
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And it needs to be reestablished and repaired.
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And so by saying I understand how you feel or I understand why
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you would feel like that or feel that way is a step towards
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repair. And so you can always say, you
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know, I understand why you feel like that.
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I don't want us to fight like this, or I can understand why
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you feel that way. Can we reset and figure this out
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together? Right.
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Even adding a little bit of repair language on to it is
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going to get your partner to deescalate.
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And so the other thing I like about this phrase is that it
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really, it really helps deescalate your partner.
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And, and again, it's important if you use this phrase once and
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you don't see an immediate result, remember, there's a lag
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time in the system. The system doesn't respond
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immediately. If you in, in other words, let
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me phrase it this way. You know, if if your diet is a
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Diet Coke and and candy bars every day and you decide, OK,
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I'm going to start dieting come Monday and then Monday you eat a
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bunch of fruits and a salad, are you going to see a weight loss
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on Monday? No, of course not.
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Does that mean you go back to eating candy bars and Diet Coke?
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No, you've got to stick with it. And so this is, this is part of
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it too. You've got to stick with the
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phrase you've got to stick with. And I said you can add those
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other phrases we've talked about too.
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So I understand why you feel that way.
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I didn't tend to hurt you, but I can see how it felt like that or
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I understand why you feel that way.
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This wasn't my goal, but I understand why it landed the way
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it did. Or the other night with my wife.
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Hey, I understand if it seems like I'm really impatient with
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you. I'm really not.
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I'm not upset, I'm not mad, I'm just really tired.
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But I can see why it comes across as me being impatient.
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I'm sorry about that. That's not my intent.
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So, so, and, and by the way, here I, I, I don't get it
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perfect every time. So I'm not trying to set myself
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up as somehow, you know, that I, that I, I go home and I just
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automatically transfer. Nope.
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I'm human too. And my wife and I fall into
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cycle sometimes as well. And, and we get short with each
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other and we get a little bit upset.
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And this happens in all relationships.
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So I, I use myself as an example because I'm just like you and I
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can fall into these traps as well.
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So but being able to use that phrase is being able to do three
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things. One, it validates the person and
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how they're feeling. I can see why do you feel that
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way. Two, you're separating out the
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impact from the intent. I didn't mean that, but I can
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see how it came across that way. And three, it automatically
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starts to invite repair. I care about us more than I care
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about being right. I'm sorry.
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I can see how you feel that way. Can we slow this down and, and,
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and reset? Because I didn't mean for it to
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come across like that or I could see you're upset.
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I'm not sure what's happening here, but I'd really like for us
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to work together on it. Or can we slow this down?
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Because I can see you're upset. And I'm not sure what I did or
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said that upset you, but I really want to know.
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I want to learn. Any of those phrases can be
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really important to be able to use in order to deescalate the
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argument and deescalate your partner.
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So this is often why we talk so much about emotion regulation,
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because if one partner starts to get dysregulated before the
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other one, then it's in part, I don't know if I should say the
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responsibility, but it at least the other partner has more
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capacity to be able to use these phrases.
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And so if you see that your partner can get dysregulated
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sometimes and they start to get upset and you're like, man, I
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never know what's right to do here.
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I never seem to be able to get it right for them.
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I never be able to seem to to reach them in these moments.
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This trains comes and I know that if it continues, eventually
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I'm going to get upset and I'm going to say things I don't mean
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and man, I hate this. Then start trying to use this
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phrase early on, especially in that uh oh moment.
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Your body will tell you when that moment comes.
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You'll feel it in your body. When you see a look or you hear
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a tone on your, in your partner's voice or see it on
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your partner's face, your body will go, uh oh.
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And you'll know. And when that happens, start
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thinking, OK, how can I validate what they're feeling?
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Because this will help stop that train coming.
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This will help slow things down so your partner feels more heard
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and understood. I can see why you feel that way.
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And then you can add any of these other statements on to it
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to be able to help with that. And, and just it, it'll, it'll
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sort of drop the tension in the relationship in part because it
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helps validate what they're feeling.
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It helps own the impact and separate the impact from the
25:44
intent. And finally, it it's a step
25:47
towards repair instead of just going off the rails and our
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cycle playing out. And we're not going to talk for
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the next three days. Instead, that phrase begins to
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work towards repair and reconnection.
26:04
All right. Thanks so much for listening.
26:06
I hope you found this valuable. Please keep reaching out.
26:10
Let me know what you'd like to hear more of.
26:13
Until then, we'll talk to you next time.