Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #76 My Child Isn’t Trying

Transcript

#76 My Child Isn’t Trying · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast. Its doctor Justin Coilson,
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  Speaker 1: where Luc and Susie our husband and wife radio team
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  Speaker 1: with three young boys. This is the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants some answers now.
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  Speaker 2: As a parent, sometimes we feel like we just have
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  Speaker 2: to go it alone and we have to work things
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  Speaker 2: out all by ourselves, and we feel like we're frauds
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  Speaker 2: half the time. Suits. I was so impressed when someone
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  Speaker 2: gave me a call recently, not because they felt that
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  Speaker 2: I was any parenting expert, but because what they saw
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  Speaker 2: in their son was a personality and a character that
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  Speaker 2: they saw in me, and so they reached out to
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  Speaker 2: me and said, my son just seems to not be
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  Speaker 2: trying and his personality is a lot like yours. So
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  Speaker 2: they kind of reached out there, wad, what do you
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  Speaker 2: think I should do? How do you think I should
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  Speaker 2: deal with this? He's at school and he doesn't seem
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  Speaker 2: to be caring less about his grades, about his effort,
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  Speaker 2: and she goes, I don't care what his grades are.
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  Speaker 2: I just want him to do his best, and if
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  Speaker 2: that means it's a D, then that's great. As long
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  Speaker 2: as he's trying his best. That's all I want for him,
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  Speaker 2: But how do I get it out of him?
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  Speaker 1: From Happy Families dot Com, that are you joining us
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  Speaker 1: in the studio doctor Justin Coolson to address this big
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  Speaker 1: question about what do you do when your kids won't try?
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  Speaker 2: So we've We've got a teenager who's basically just breezing
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  Speaker 2: through doing the bare minimum possible that he can get
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  Speaker 2: away with at school, and his mum is sort of
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  Speaker 2: at the end of it. Tenther not because she cares
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  Speaker 2: about his grades. She does care about his future and giving.
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  Speaker 3: Him but she cares about him.
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  Speaker 2: She cares about him and him learning to give things
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  Speaker 2: his best shot, because that's a good skill to learn it.
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  Speaker 4: So question one, hands up, if as a teenager you
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  Speaker 4: didn't really try hard at everything?
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  Speaker 2: I know I always tried really really.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, let's face it, every single one of them.
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  Speaker 4: This is almost a developmental reality for most kids unless
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  Speaker 4: we are on their back cracking the whip. And to
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  Speaker 4: be truthful, if you have a look at the way
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  Speaker 4: our schools are set up and the way our curriculum works,
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  Speaker 4: it kind.
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  Speaker 3: Of makes sense.
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  Speaker 4: I mean I had a funny experience a couple of
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  Speaker 4: years ago with one of my kids.
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  Speaker 3: She was in year nine. She came home.
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  Speaker 4: She said, Dad, what's a surd? And I said, please,
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  Speaker 4: don't speak like that.
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  Speaker 3: She said, what's a surd? I said, I have no idea.
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  Speaker 3: I will have to ask Google. Why do you ask?
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  Speaker 4: She said, Well, today maths we were learning about surds.
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  Speaker 4: I said, oh, it's a mathematical thing. She said yeah.
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  Speaker 4: I said, okay, So what's the surge? She said, well,
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  Speaker 4: let me finish the story. Today in maths we learned
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  Speaker 4: about surds and I just couldn't see the point of it, Like,
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  Speaker 4: surds just seemed so stupid.
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  Speaker 3: Why am I learning about surds?
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  Speaker 4: And so during the day she went and asked three
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  Speaker 4: or four other school teachers who weren't in the maths
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  Speaker 4: department what surds were, and they all stared at her
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  Speaker 4: blankly and had no idea.
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  Speaker 3: Then she came home.
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  Speaker 4: She asked me, I had no idea, she said, And
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  Speaker 4: I'm always directly quoting. She said something like, Dad, I've
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  Speaker 4: asked all of these intelligent school teachers, and now I've
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  Speaker 4: come home and asked you, and you've got a PhD
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  Speaker 4: what a surd is? And nobody knows what a surd is, so,
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  Speaker 4: when am I ever going to need to know what
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  Speaker 4: a SURD is for the rest of my life?
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  Speaker 3: Why am I learning this? What's the point?
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  Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, the way, so wonderful and painful.
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  Speaker 4: To my point is, it shouldn't be surprising to us
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  Speaker 4: that our kids are lacking motivation because we're forcing them
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  Speaker 4: to do a whole lot of stuff that they're not
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  Speaker 4: interested in and that frankly may not be particularly important. Now,
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  Speaker 4: now let's be real, some of it actually is important.
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  Speaker 4: They're still not interested anyway. So there's a couple of.
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  Speaker 3: Things that we need to be mindful of.
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  Speaker 4: The first is that there are these basic psychological needs
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  Speaker 4: that we all have, and when we meet these psychological needs,
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  Speaker 4: we become motivated and we feel good. But when we
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  Speaker 4: don't meet these psychological needs, and I know I'm getting theoretical,
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  Speaker 4: but I'll keep it really, really, really brief. These three
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  Speaker 4: psychological needs are these Number one competence. When I feel
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  Speaker 4: like I can do something competently, I'm motivated and I
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  Speaker 4: feel good. You think about your kids, though, when you
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  Speaker 4: ask them to do something that's hard and they're not
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  Speaker 4: sure if they can do it, particularly if it's really hard.
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  Speaker 3: How motivated are they most of the time?
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  Speaker 4: God, that collapse on the floor legs.
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  Speaker 2: I did the same thing just the other day.
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  Speaker 4: So motivation is high when we feel like we can
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  Speaker 4: do something, and it's low when we feel like we can't.
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  Speaker 4: That's kind of like a reality unless you're a little
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  Speaker 4: bit weird like me, and you get excited when it's
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  Speaker 4: like you want me to do what, Well, I've never
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  Speaker 4: done that before.
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  Speaker 3: How exciting. But that's that's kind of weird.
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  Speaker 1: What's next?
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  Speaker 3: Okay, So we want our kids to feel like they're
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  Speaker 3: mastering that's what competence they motivated to do. The next
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  Speaker 3: one is related this needs.
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  Speaker 4: So if I've got an adolescent who just isn't motivated
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  Speaker 4: to do anything, the question I'm going to ask is
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  Speaker 4: who is this kid in a relationship with that could
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  Speaker 4: either boost or reduce their motivation.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know if you've noticed this, but as humans,
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  Speaker 3: and particularly for.
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  Speaker 4: Teenagers, friends are oxygen and so they might not want
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  Speaker 4: to do anything at all, and then suddenly they discover
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  Speaker 4: that that girl or that boy that they're interested in
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  Speaker 4: just happens to really like horse riding or really like soccer,
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  Speaker 4: and next thing you know, they're signing up for horse
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  Speaker 4: riding or soccer or netball or whatever it is, and
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  Speaker 4: they're like, my friends are doing it, or the person
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  Speaker 4: that I'm interested in is doing it. Relatedness will be
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  Speaker 4: a motivator if we can. If we've got a child
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  Speaker 4: who's not motivated to do something, who do they like,
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  Speaker 4: who is doing it?
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  Speaker 3: And how can we get them together?
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  Speaker 2: See, these are two really good points. In the first one,
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  Speaker 2: the competence, we can see that in probably all of
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  Speaker 2: our children to some extent. We can see the relatedness,
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  Speaker 2: I think, in particular in our oldest child. But I
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  Speaker 2: actually also think the team the original question came from
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  Speaker 2: these don't apply really competent, and he'll almost do the
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  Speaker 2: opposite of what everybody else is doing. Like he doesn't
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  Speaker 2: care about fitting in. He's comfortable.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, that feeds in really neat to the last one,
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  Speaker 4: and the last psychological need that we've got is autonomy.
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  Speaker 4: We want to feel like we've got a choice, and
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  Speaker 4: the reality is that most of our kids don't get
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  Speaker 4: to choose a lot. I mean, our kids get choice,
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  Speaker 4: let's be honest, they do, but the big choices.
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  Speaker 3: Do you have a choice about going to school?
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  Speaker 4: No, you go to school and so as our kids
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  Speaker 4: are compelled, you know, they're forced to choose subjects that
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  Speaker 4: they don't want to choose in high school, or they're
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  Speaker 4: forced to do this or that or the other. I
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  Speaker 4: do a lot of work in schools where there's a
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  Speaker 4: lot of pressure on kids, a lot of high performing
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  Speaker 4: parents who expect high performing kids. Those kids feel so
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  Speaker 4: much pressure, they feel so much stress, they feel such
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  Speaker 4: a lack of control over their own lives that their
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  Speaker 4: well being goes down. They've got to have some sense
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  Speaker 4: of choice. So when they feel like they're good at stuff,
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  Speaker 4: when they feel like their relationships are strong, and they
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  Speaker 4: feel like there's choice, they'll be motivated. But you know what,
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  Speaker 4: even with that, there's got to be two other things
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  Speaker 4: that they've got to be really quickly mentioned. The first
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  Speaker 4: is purpose. If there's no purpose to it in their mind,
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  Speaker 4: like what am I doing this for? Where am I headed?
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  Speaker 4: Where are we going with this? Why would I make
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  Speaker 4: all this effort? Why would I act motivated if this
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  Speaker 4: isn't going to get me where I want to go?
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  Speaker 2: And I think that's his head and a hammer hitting
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  Speaker 2: it right there. What I've heard from this team that
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  Speaker 2: we were initially talking about that's his question.
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  Speaker 4: Right, And then we say these really unfair things to
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  Speaker 4: our fifteen year olds, like, well, what do you want
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  Speaker 4: to do with the rest of your life?
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  Speaker 1: Yes, I don't even know what I want to do
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  Speaker 1: with my tomorrow.
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  Speaker 3: How can we ask you.
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  Speaker 4: I know that there's a small percentage of fifteen year
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  Speaker 4: olds that really do know, but many of them don't.
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  Speaker 4: And so then we say, well, you've just got to
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  Speaker 4: work hard so that you can have all your options open.
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  Speaker 3: Which is a fair enough thing to say.
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  Speaker 4: But boy, boy, when you're a fifteen year old and
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  Speaker 4: you just want to play Fortnite or you just want
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  Speaker 4: to go to the beach or the park, or ride
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  Speaker 4: your bike or your skateboard, or hang out with your
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  Speaker 4: friends on Snapchat, golly, that's hard. And the second thing
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  Speaker 4: that I'd say for any parent who's really struggling with
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  Speaker 4: this is understand and it's so hard for us to
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  Speaker 4: do it. We allows you at it, but give them
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  Speaker 4: in fantasy what they can't have in reality when they
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  Speaker 4: want to say I cant I don't want to wards horror,
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  Speaker 4: what you do is you don't say, well, I don't care,
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  Speaker 4: You've just got to do it.
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  Speaker 3: You don't fight with them.
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  Speaker 4: You say, I know, it feels so hard when you're
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  Speaker 4: fifteen and you just don't want to do it.
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  Speaker 3: It feels like it's pointless. It feels like it's purposeless.
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  Speaker 3: I get that. Wouldn't it be great if you could
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  Speaker 3: just do whatever it is that you want to do?
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  Speaker 4: Don't you wish you could blah blah blah give them
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  Speaker 4: in fantasy what they can't have in reality. As you
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  Speaker 4: give them two or three of those kind of sentences,
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  Speaker 4: they're relaxed. I'll be like, yeah, I do wish I could.
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  Speaker 4: Oh boy, you'd really understand. I wish that I didn't
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  Speaker 4: have to do this. And then you say, I know, now,
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  Speaker 4: what can I do to support you to get this done? Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: Great. It's such a new world we live in too.
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  Speaker 2: And I'm not a parenting expert and I'm not a psychologist,
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  Speaker 2: but I can tell you about the modern world that
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  Speaker 2: we live in. You want to keep your options, keep
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  Speaker 2: your options open for your children. Let me tell you
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  Speaker 2: whatever options you think are available right now, in a
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  Speaker 2: year or two, they're going to be completely different. And
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  Speaker 2: we're no longer in a world where you have to
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  Speaker 2: what you do at fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen restricts or
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  Speaker 2: advances what you decide to do when you're twenty like,
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  Speaker 2: the options are open. It's a flexible, ever changing world.
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  Speaker 2: What they learn in year one of UNI is usually
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  Speaker 2: outdated by year two, certainly by year four.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, and you know one other really important thing here.
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  Speaker 4: Just focus on what they love, yeah, you.
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  Speaker 3: Know, tap into their strengths.
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  Speaker 4: If they love rugby league or AFL or you know,
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  Speaker 4: their sport, or if they love writing, or if they
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  Speaker 4: love whatever. Just give them every opportunity to go down
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  Speaker 4: that path. Don't say no, just say sure. Let's give
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  Speaker 4: it a go.
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  Speaker 2: Doctor Justin Coulson as always wonderful, helpful, insightful.
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  Speaker 3: Thank you for your time, great to be with you.
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• 9:30
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• 9:33
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• 9:40
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• 9:43
  Speaker 1: on all of doctor Justin Coulson's books, programs, and podcasts,
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: go to Happy Families dot com dot au. Or if
• 9:50
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• 9:52
  Speaker 1: school or event, go to Justinculson dot com