Latest / Daily Influence / 619. Better Listening: How Presence, Empathy & Awareness Transform Influence with Stan Slovin

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619. Better Listening: How Presence, Empathy & Awareness Transform Influence with Stan Slovin · Daily Influence

• 0:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the daily influence where our mission is to deliver a daily dose of positive influence that can uplift you personally or be shared within your sphere of influence.
• 0:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: While not every episode may directly apply to your unique circumstances, we strive to provide insights and inspiration relevant to most people's daily, weekly, and monthly lives.
• 0:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whether you are tuning in during the morning, noon or night, the daily influence is here for you.
• 0:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen, share, and embrace the power of influence in your life.
• 0:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: Welcome to Daily Influence.
• 0:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm your host, Greg Kulino.
• 0:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: Today, I'm joined by Stan Slobin, an accomplished author, lawyer, and financial advisor, and a true pillar of the North per community.
• 0:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: Stan is the author of Better Listening, the secret to improving both your professional and personal life.
• 0:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: In a world where conversations are often rushed or interrupted, Stan reminds us that the greatest gift we can give someone is our full attention.
• 1:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: His work helps leaders, professionals, and families communicate with empathy, clarity, and purpose.
• 1:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: Stan, welcome to Daily Influence.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you, Greg, for having me.
• 1:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's just a pleasure.
• 1:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: And just I'm looking forward to our talk today.
• 1:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: I am Tuesday and can you share a bit about your background and what led you were to where you are today, both professionally and as an author about her listening.
• 1:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sure.
• 1:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm a local Chicago and so I grew up in the suburb of Skoki and did my schooling in Illinois.
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I never broke the umbilical cord and
• 1:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: have been working in the Midwest in the financial services for over 32 years.
• 1:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: And in that industry, I realized throughout my career that I just wasn't really that great of a listener.
• 1:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I think that's so funny because we're supposed to be advisors, right?
• 1:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're supposed to be giving advice and telling everybody what to do and realizing that it was really just the wrong approach that we really needed to.
• 2:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Listen a little bit better and let others empty their bucket and really understand what was most important to them and not us and that was really kind of where it's stemmed of Realizing that this was an industry thing.
• 2:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: This was not just and not just professional, but also personal.
• 2:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're having seeing that in family structures and, you know, Uh, spouses and partners and kids and family members and at the end of the day, I thought, you know, when it'd be a cool place if we can just be a better listener and let the world, you know, just kind of share a little bit more and we can maybe pause a little bit.
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: and that's kind of where the the book came from.
• 2:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love that.
• 2:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: What experiences are observations inspired you to write better listening?
• 2:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: And why do you think listening is such a powerful yet overlooked skill in today's world?
• 2:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I would say that the number one thing that I think that really just resonates is that we are in a society I believe that we are listening to respond versus listening to understand and I think that that is a huge difference and that's also in your leadership world.
• 3:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: where leaders, okay, of whether companies or organizations are working with their agenda and they're just pushing out more of the talk as opposed to listening to what is out their observations opinions input.
• 3:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: And our society is used to hijacking conversations or thinking about what we want to say while the other person is actually still talking.
• 3:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: you know and and what happens is that the the person who's speaking it's it's a harder for them and they're not they're not having a good time with you not listening they get frustrated And as a result we break down the communication when in reality if we just do a couple simple changes just a couple small tweaks
• 3:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: we could really have a better impactful conversation and even just a more meaningful dialogue.
• 3:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's really where better listening comes to you, play a crucial role, not just with leaders and people in the professional, but also in your personal life.
• 4:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's why, you know, those are some of the things that are important.
• 4:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, you know, in that team series, we talk about leadership as influenced, grounded, and responsibility, how does being a better listenership responsible leadership and improved team culture?
• 4:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I mean, first of all, the number of a couple of things productivity, environment, respect to consideration, when an employee feels that they are actually being a hurt or when someone is actually part of the conversation as opposed to just listening or just not able to talk, they feel that their opinion is important.
• 4:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: They feel that they're in the moment.
• 4:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: They feel that the leaders or the organizational leaders are actually listening and valuing.
• 4:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's, it's regards to retention of good employees, people want to come to work and not looking forward to leaving work.
• 4:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: They want to join organizations because the environment, okay, is a collaborative open and a respectful and considerate versus going in to a company where you can't wait to leave.
• 4:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't want to go into and you realize that, you know what?
• 5:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: No one's listening to me.
• 5:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: No one cares about my opinion and no one values it.
• 5:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: So leaders, I think need to take a different approach moving forward and saying, hey, listen, we've gotten this far so far, but how can we do better?
• 5:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the first job is to open up the conversation and start asking good open questions.
• 5:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when they're employees or their workers or co-workers or colleagues respond,
• 5:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: don't stop it there.
• 5:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Go deeper and add empathy.
• 5:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's one of the differences of better listening is that we're all used to in our society of active listening.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, that's that eye contact.
• 5:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's the nodding the head.
• 5:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's okay.
• 5:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 5:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: We also know about reflectable listening, which I'll mention in a second, but we're missing the empathy in our conversations.
• 5:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we're not letting people empty their buckets or tell you how they're feeling.
• 5:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this is the one difference better listening or the book, you know, says this, is that if we could add empathy, more into our conversations, it will change the narrative and it will change the outcome for your leaders.
• 6:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's really a tip out there, are there tips that you recommend or habits that people can start using today to make the shift?
• 6:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I think it's so funny, because some of it's basics, kind of like basic training and baseball, you know, in spring, you go to spring training.
• 6:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, listening has a couple elements that we sometimes use, but we forget.
• 6:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: One of them is pause.
• 6:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, just pause a little bit more.
• 6:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: When someone's talking to you, that how many times are we with our friends?
• 6:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they'll conversation you get to louder, louder and louder and everyone's like jumping out each other and you can't even, you're competing the talk.
• 6:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's crazy.
• 6:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if you just pause for a second,
• 6:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: think about what they're saying, and then before responding, take three elements, first, reflect.
• 6:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Make sure you're reflecting with them and saying, hey, you know, it's so it sounds like.
• 6:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or it's, you know, I feel that you're, you're, you're, you're concerned, or, you know, what I'm hearing is.
• 6:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's the reflection.
• 6:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then the second part is clarification.
• 6:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it sounds like you had a really bad day, and you're also having some issues with some friends or family members.
• 7:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: Tell me more about that clarification.
• 7:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: How is that working?
• 7:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why has that been a problem?
• 7:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: Don't put that super cape on to style because sometimes the person doesn't want you to style, they just want you to listen.
• 7:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I come home sometimes and like, you know, my wife will say like, oh, I had a bad day and like, oh, I got to put that paper and say what you need to do and how you need it.
• 7:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: And just want that sometimes what person just wants you to just listen to them and let them infect a great tip for everyone.
• 7:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Ask the person, hey, listen, it sounds like you're having some challenges.
• 7:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Do you want me to just listen and hear what's going on?
• 7:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or would you like a quick observation or just a thought?
• 7:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: They'll tell you.
• 7:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's a really great thing.
• 7:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the three things, so one reflects after pause, two clearifications, and then for before you answer, just put some empathy in, hey, listen, you're not alone on this.
• 7:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: This happens all the time.
• 7:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've gone through this before.
• 7:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know what, what you're feeling, a lot of people are feeling the same thing.
• 7:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: So before you start responding, let them know that you acknowledge the fact, and you're clarified, and you're paused, and you're reflected, then you respond.
• 8:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: So actually, I'm wondering what you're doing is you're pushing the response mode, just down a little bit further, and you're letting the conversation jump.
• 8:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: In fact, I'm sure one quick thing will be fast, a person who read the book.
• 8:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: sends me a quick email and says, hey, I'm a CEO, I was flying home, I read your book, you know, blah, blah, blah, but I love the tips and when I got home, my daughter at the kitchen table says to me, Dad, I had a bad day, this is what's going on.
• 8:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're not listening me at work and he was about to respond.
• 8:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: He says, me, I was about to respond when I stopped.
• 8:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: I paused, I clarify, I reflect him.
• 8:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then I said to her, you know what?
• 8:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: What else?
• 8:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: Other than that, what else going on?
• 8:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: And she went on for 10 minutes about other things.
• 8:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: She gets up from the table, looks at her dad, as he's doing this review, and says, Dad, thank you for finally listening to me.
• 8:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that was the small tweaking, and it happened, as again, CEO doing with mega things comes home to the kitchen table, applies a couple tips and changes the whole and tire narrative with one of the most important people in his life.
• 9:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's better listening.
• 9:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: What a beautiful story.
• 9:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: Stan, thank you for sharing that.
• 9:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: How is becoming a more intentional listener affecting your own relationships personally or professionally?
• 9:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, perfectly it was a game changer because it literally helped me realize that I needed to really get a better understanding of what people were thinking before moving that relationship whether it's professional.
• 9:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: So my co-workers and my team, I wanted to improve the environment.
• 9:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wanted to be an open dialogue.
• 9:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wanted to be a valuable or invaluable experience to be with us.
• 9:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: My clients, it was absolutely, by the way, it's not just in the financial services, it's in the legal profession of banking in any service.
• 9:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you allow your clients to share with you what is most important to them,
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: and you ask them that.
• 10:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then before you respond how great you are, ask them to go further, what else?
• 10:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: What else are you trying to achieve?
• 10:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: If I get this project or I land this contract, what is most important in our relationship?
• 10:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: How can we make it and let them orchestrate what
• 10:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: and that is how you will secure more contracts, retain more business, get a better, you know, working environment and have a longer lasting because you've changed the focus from you.
• 10:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, we all love the talk.
• 10:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: But do we have the time to really listen?
• 10:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that is the difference.
• 10:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love that.
• 10:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: Those are all really great tips.
• 10:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, I love when you say, listen to understand and not respond.
• 10:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's definitely easier said than done.
• 10:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: This is a big wiring change for a lot of people because a lot of people like to talk and you're like, they don't listen.
• 11:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: Are there any tricks that you have for people to really focus on listening?
• 11:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if it's necessarily the tricks, you know, when you see tricks, I think the main approach should be in the present.
• 11:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, really try to, you know, we, we cannot avoid the cell phone, the, the, the noise, the TV in the background, even other people, our, our, our attention span is really, really challenging.
• 11:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if we can just be in the present, be in the moment of when people are talking to you, they will notice that you are taking a better guess.
• 11:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's the first trick.
• 11:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: The second
• 11:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: push down your response mode to later in the conversation.
• 11:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because here's the interesting thing.
• 11:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not just a trick.
• 11:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's actually that you, as the listener, will actually learn more about what the situation is.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you were never giving that a chance.
• 11:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because we're just so used to taking over conversations.
• 12:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, how many times are you about a dinner with a bunch of couples and you see one of the couples starts not like, oh, you know, I went to Europe and we visited our kid on a broad and Spain and someone jumps and goes, oh, yeah, it was there last year.
• 12:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let me tell you and you never
• 12:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: get a chance to finish the same event or the worse when someone's telling the story and your partner your spouse says, oh, that's not really how it happened.
• 12:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And finally, after the second interruption, they look at you and they say, do you want to tell the story?
• 12:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Obviously, you want to tell the story, you know?
• 12:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: So those are little things that it bothers, it bothers people that are trying to share and what's going to happen is they're going to stop sharing.
• 12:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're going to stop talking.
• 12:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're going to stop being part of and that's not healthy for business and personal.
• 12:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: So my takeaway trick is, let the other person, remember the old school of thought, if you speak 80% and they speak 20, you've lost that deal, if they speak 80% and you only 20, they want to keep talking.
• 12:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's such great advice, Stan.
• 13:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: What message are words of encouragement?
• 13:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: Would you like to share with our listeners who aspire to make a difference in the world?
• 13:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, you know, that's a big, that's a big, you know what, I would say this, be more tolerant to people and be less judgmental because we don't know what's going on in people's worlds today.
• 13:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Be more empathetic, be more passionate and also compassionate.
• 13:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: because care more about what you're doing, because not only will it make the person that you're around feel better, it will make you feel better.
• 13:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then the last one is be understanding.
• 13:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, be understanding to the the people that are maybe not well, be patient with the youth.
• 13:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: you know, and be tolerant, you know, with those that, you know, you've had challenges.
• 13:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because at the end of the day, we have such a divisive, you know, world around us that we don't want that in our families.
• 13:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: We don't want that in our workplaces.
• 13:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, the enemy is not in the doors.
• 14:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're sometimes they're outside the windows.
• 14:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we have to really work hard on treasuring those and my only, my last in comment would be is, you know, you know, have a positive attitude because sometimes we just forget the simple things and ask more open-ended questions because it will allow the conversation to continue and it will make for a different narrative and those are my tips.
• 14:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: Stan, thank you so much for reminding us that influence starts with awareness and listening is where that awareness begins.
• 14:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, your insights remind us that by giving others space to be heard, we can create trust, connection and understanding, which are the foundations of both leadership and community.
• 14:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: If our listeners want to get in touch with you, what's the best way to do so?
• 14:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, if they want to, they can always go talk to the book.
• 14:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that's kind of a fun thing.
• 14:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's just called better listening.
• 14:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they can, you know, better listening the secret to improving your professional and personal life.
• 15:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can get it on Amazon, check it out.
• 15:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I would love if a person does have a chance to read it.
• 15:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they pick up one and nugget, one nugget.
• 15:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let me know.
• 15:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: They could reach me at betterlisteningbook.com and shoot me a quick email and tell me a great success story and at the end of the day try it out because we're all good listeners.
• 15:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's the one thing I always said this but we could all be just a little bit better and I think that it will hopefully make the world a better place.
• 15:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: I agree with you, Sam.
• 15:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: We'll put a link to your book and your website in the show notes.
• 15:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: Sam, I am so grateful for you for joining us today.
• 15:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for sharing your stories in your advice.
• 15:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much for having me and have a wonderful holiday and a safe holiday season.
• 15:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you, you too.
• 15:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: And to our listeners.
• 15:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for tuning in to Daily Influence.
• 15:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: Let's all take Stan's advice to heart.
• 15:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: Listen, not to respond, but to truly understand.
• 16:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: I hope today's conversation brought you inside an inspiration.
• 16:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: If it's spoke to you, share with someone who could use a little positivity today.
• 16:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: Remember, small actions create big impact.
• 16:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: Keep showing up, leading, growing, and listening.
• 16:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: One day to time.
• 16:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: Until next time, stay inspired and keep having a positive or sensible influence.
• 16:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: Bye.