Latest / Surviving-ISH Podcast / The Turning Point: Escaping an Abusive Relationship (Watch Us Thrive Podcast)

Transcript

The Turning Point: Escaping an Abusive Relationship (Watch Us Thrive Podcast) · Surviving-ISH Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I don't understand why it was me.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I'll ever be the same.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Is the same what I want?
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Anyway?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: You took what I thought I could never get back.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I quit holding on to that anger and broke down just to begin again.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna be any longer.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: I'm there.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Leanne Torres is a survivor of domestic violence.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: She's an advocate and that is the reason she started her podcast, watch Us Thrive.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: She wants to share her story of escaping an abusive ex.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: It has turned into a beautiful platform where guests come on to share their stories of overcoming obstacles by turning their pain into purpose, and share inspiration for her audience.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: My name is Leanne.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: I am the creator and host of the Watch Us Thrive podcast.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: It's my baby, it's only a little bit over a year old, but it has grown into such a beautiful platform where I really like to highlight having those taboo, uncomfortable conversations that a lot of people are having, but they keep it quiet, they really don't talk about it in public, and I really want to.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: I am creating this platform where we're normalizing those uncomfortable conversations.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: My little tagline is we're going to talk about the shit that you don't want to talk about, but it needs to be talked about.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: And it originally started I'm sure we're going to get into it more as the conversation progresses, but it originally started with me sharing my own personal stories and struggles of what I've gone through in life.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: I'm a domestic violence survivor and advocate and after experiencing probably the most life traumatic, life altering thing that I've ever gone through almost two years ago, I really wanted to use my voice to take my power back and talk about what I went through.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: So originally started with me doing that, but now it's growing into this beautiful platform where I bring guests on to talk about their own traumas and triumphs and how they've been able to turn that pain into their power.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: I do talk about a lot of heavy, uncomfortable conversations, but I don't like to stay there.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: The more important thing that I want to highlight is what have you done from the shit that you've gone through?
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: How can you provide inspiration and motivation to my audience to let them know that, yes, what you went through changed your life.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: It was horrible.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: Wouldn't wish it on anyone, but to let people know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: As cliche as that sounds like, there is a purpose to our pain.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: There is a message in our mess.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: So it's a little bit about me.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: One thing I caught on to when you were speaking is your trauma happened two years ago and then, within a year, you were sharing your story and starting a podcast.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: That's amazing.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I really.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: People have said that to me before and I don't know, for me it was just something like it just came naturally to me for some reason.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: And it's interesting that was the case because growing up and even before I started my whole personal development journey, I was never the type of person to vocalize in a comfortable way what I was going through.
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: I would always keep quiet or just people pleased to an extent, and just deal with my shit myself.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: And I think going through something so traumatic like my life almost being taken from me, that shift happened, that okay, I have some deep work that I need to work on and I know I can't do it alone.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: And also I know I survived it for a reason.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: So I feel like it's a duty within me to let people know that I survived it for a reason, and you can too, with whatever trauma it is that you've gone through.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, people have told me that, oh, my god, it's only been this amount of time, yeah, and I've completely changed so much in the almost two years it'll be two years in March of this year when that life changing event happened, after the whole thing happened, and I basically hit rock bottom.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: It's crazy.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: Like I was living with him and then I ended up losing my apartment, I lost my car, I got fired from my job, my unemployment ran out, moved back home with my family like just a domino effect of shit happened to me.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: And when I came back home to move in with my family, realized, like I said before, I can't heal from this alone, like I can't continue taking on this burden and this heaviness, because no one knew what I was going through until that night that everything happened and, by the grace of God and my support system I'm so grateful for them because they really showed up and showed out and really helped me in one of the darkest moments of my life.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I got a psychologist, I worked with two life coaches and I just really did the work that a lot of people talk about.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: But like I really took it seriously because I realized there was a lot of things about Leanne that needed healing and to switch that mentality of being a victim and everyone else was a problem and I had no accountability.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I couldn't do that by myself.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: There was no way, it was just too much trauma that happened to me that I could articulate that in a way that would make sense without any outside help.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: To be like you got some shit, you got to work on and so hard to get into realizing that you can have accountability without blaming yourself or blaming the victim.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: And sometimes that's hard to separate and I don't know that I would have been able to do that without my therapist slapping me on the hand, sometimes saying David, you're victim, blaming yourself, because that's how society sometimes trains us.
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: So I was with my ex-boyfriend.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: It was a very short relationship, but it was a very intense relationship and that's something that's very common with those type of relationships abusive, toxic, domestic violence relationships.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: We were only together for 10 months but, like I said, it progressed very quickly.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: The day after that I met him.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: We were intimate.
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: The five days later he told me he was falling in love with me.
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: Two weeks later, he asked me to be his girlfriend and then, two weeks after that, he moved in.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: So it was like and it was right in the beginning of COVID.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: I met him April 28th 2020.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: We already know what happened the world shut down and two people who didn't know each other were like, confined to one another.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: And, of course, in the beginning of these relationships, it's rainbows and butterflies and I thought I found my soulmate.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: Finally, god answered my prayers.
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: Third time is the charm, because I've had a track record of really shitty relationships, but it progressed very quickly.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: And then, after a few months, the facade and the match that he was wearing like he couldn't keep up that portrait of what he was doing for so long, and slowly the real him started to come out and it started with verbal abuse and calling me names and being controlling.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: There was a lot of lying and cheating and manipulating and gaslighting and all of these things that people talk about a lot nowadays.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: But I literally lived through that and I remember the first time that it got physically violent it was towards the end of our relationship, because we just got to the point that we were fighting every single day because of a lot of the things that he was doing.
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: We just didn't, we weren't compatible.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: I realize that now, like we were just so different.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: I know they say opposite to track, but with me and him it just wasn't working.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: But I remember the first time that he ever put his hands on me, it's because I found out that he was cheating and I had like proof and I called him out on it and he was so offended that I invaded his privacy.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: Who was I to go through his phone?
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: It was wild and I remember he just flipped.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: And before that there were instances where he would act like he was going to do something but didn't and I know that's something that a lot of abusive people tend to do and it finally got to the point that he put his hands on me and I'll never forget he grabbed my face so hard that I couldn't brush my teeth for a few days afterwards because that's how hard he was grabbing it.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: And it caught me off guard because, oh my God, who is this person?
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: I don't know who this man is.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: This is not the person that I fell in love with, and a couple weeks later, the same thing happened, but it started to get more aggressive.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: It started with him choking me, and I tell the full story on my podcast, if anyone wants to listen to it.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: It's episode 10.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: I can send it to you so if you want to put it in the show notes.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: But the final incident was the night of March 12, 2021, until the early morning of March 13, 2021.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: And it's crazy because that was the day that I finally got it in my head that I was done.
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: There was so much disrespect and just a lot of things that I was tolerating and I got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: So I told myself and I actually had a conversation with my girlfriend that day that I was like, when I come back home and I see him, I'm going to end it for good, because I just can't take it anymore.
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: But, like I said before, no one knew what I was going through when it came to the physical excuse me, the physical abuse.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: They just knew that we weren't getting along, but I didn't have it in me to actually tell people what was really happening.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: And that night, one thing led to another and it just it got to the point that he almost killed me.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: That's literally what happened.
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: I'll never forget.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: He strangled me a few times to the point that I lost consciousness and I ended up urinating on myself.
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: He put a knife to my neck.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: He put a knife to my knee.
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: He threatened to smash my face with a glass bottle.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: He tried to set me on fire.
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: He wouldn't let me leave my apartment the things that you see in movies.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: That's literally what I lived through and I physically escaped him.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: I'll never forget.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: I was wearing a leopard print robe, a burgundy tank top, no underwear, no pants, no socks.
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: I didn't have my phone.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: I didn't have my my.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: The only thing I had was my car keys.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: That was it.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: Nothing Cause in the what we were going through like.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: We got into a physical fight and I lost everything.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: Like he threw everything all around the apartment and I ran to my car, closed the door, locked, it turned the car on.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: I turned back and he was like literally right here.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: If I wouldn't have locked the door he would have pulled me out the car and I wouldn't be sitting here right now having this conversation with you.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: And, by the grace of God, I know for a fact that God is real after that night because 12 hours before my car that morning was completely dead For some reason, even though I had a new battery and it would not turn on.
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: 12 hours later, when I'm escaping him, my car turned on like it was a brand new car and I was able to escape from him and that's the last time that I saw him.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: And, yeah, that was really the pivotal moment, the beginning of my healing journey literally escaping someone who I thought was my forever.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: But it turned out to be like the devil in disguise in my eyes.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: Wow, when you were in the car driving away, you knew that you had safe places to go right.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you said that you had great family and great friends.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they all fairly close to like driving distant.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Yes, okay, yeah.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: And the thing is he knew where my sister lived because I used to live in Florida.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: Now I'm in New Jersey.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: He knew where my sister lived because she had met him very quickly.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: They never sat down and had a conversation but for some reason, when I was in that mode, fight or flight, even though he didn't have a car and he had no way to know to reach me, I thought that he was behind me and he was going to find me.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: So I was like I'm not going to her apartment, her hair house, and plus, she didn't know.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: Like I said that, no one knew.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: But earlier that day I went to my girlfriend's house, the one that I mentioned before and that's who I drove to.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: She was about like 10 minutes away.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: It was crazy.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: It was like one o'clock in the morning.
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: I'm banging on her door like frantic yelling and screaming, half naked, disheveled, bruised up and all of this, and she opens the door and she's what the hell is going on Because, like I said, no one knew and I was like he's going to kill me.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: He's going to kill me, we have to do something.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: He's going to kill me.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: And she told me she was like Leanne, you need to call the cops.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: And I hesitated in that moment because I was like, oh my God, what's going to happen to him?
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: Even though he almost killed me, you know what I'm saying?
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: And it's this wild dichotomy that we think of.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: We love this person, but it's also he literally almost took my life and my first thought was like I don't want to get him in trouble, but eventually I did and, long story short, he is in prison for what he did to me, currently serving time.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but yeah, it's been a journey.
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: It's been a journey.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: Let me tell you, yeah, it sounds like it, but I'm glad that you stood your ground with it and pulled your warriors together, and what I wish is that our judicial system was more rehabilitating, because eventually he will be out and this is not just a case of compensation by any means but I don't think people wake up one day and decide they want to be a bad person.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: So it's like where that whole like generational abuse happens.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: Did you ever find out if he had other issues in the past?
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, so my sister.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: She's like an FBI agent, but without the official title, and after everything happened and I came back home, she ran a background check on him and for me now, like when I do decide to start dating I'm not right now, but that's going to be something that's like a priority for me I need to know your first and your last name, maybe your social security number, and I need to know your last known address.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: I'm going to look you up because he was a habitual.
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: He is a habitual offender.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: His track record, his prison record, was dating back as far as 2007 with the same type of charges abuse, domestic violence, drug charges, gun charges, all of these things.
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: And when I met him I knew he had a past.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: But he was the type of person that it was like pulling teeth to get information out of him.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: And that's another red flag that now I realized if someone isn't going to be completely open and honest with you, with given time, obviously not going to spill everything on the first date but if they're not going to tell you about their past, their present, their future, what are you hiding?
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: And I realized after the fact oh my God, I'm not the first person that he's done this to, and I know for a fact, just knowing the type of person that he is and also knowing his track record, he's going to do it again.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: He's absolutely a habitual offender.
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: He will do it again.
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he'll probably have this lull and maybe he found God.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: That's not my battle to fight for him anymore, but in my eyes, once you're a cheater, you're always a cheater, and the only person who can really change someone is that person.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: You understand what I'm saying.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: And they want to they have to want to, absolutely.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: So is this when the domino effect started?
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: So you broke away from him, but then other things just started crumbling too.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: It led up to that explosion phase.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was okay.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: I think, like, thinking back now, my intuition, god, like I believe in God whole heartedly, whatever you guys believe in.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: But I know that there was warning signs and there was definitely, like Leigh Ann, this ain't it, like this is not the person that you're supposed to be with.
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: But, you know, being in love or maybe obsession with lust, I don't know, I think that's what it was and just not wanting to be alone, I stuck around for longer than I know I shouldn't have and I just let the red flags and the cheating and the lying and all that just slide because, truth be told, I just didn't love myself, I didn't value myself, I didn't know what it meant to be whole on my own and I was always the type of girl to like need that validation from a man.
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: If I didn't have someone in my life, like I was miserable.
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: And this is the first time in my life.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: It's going on two years and I've been completely single, I've been completely celibate and it has completely changed my life and I've gotten to know myself on a really deep, intimate level.
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: But I think I went through everything that I went through for a reason in order for me to really learn about Leigh Ann on a different level and just do the work that has been so needed from even before that relationship.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: I hate that it takes us hitting rock bottom to know which way is up, and but when we do and we find that there were things I would put on the back burner and with trying to recover and all the shit that goes with it, and I was like wait, there's also these things.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: And so it did help read and into this stronger person that I'm, finally somebody that I'm proud of.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: Within two years, you have taken yourself from the scariest, darkest place and completely changed it.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: I'm very adamant at saying is my journey is not going to be for everybody what worked for me.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: My trauma cannot be compared to yours, or vice versa.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: So do you want to tell us?
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: What did you do?
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: What trial and errors did you have to get to where you are today from these past two years?
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: The first thing was asking for help, speaking up and telling someone what was happening.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: That's literally the first point that the change started within me, which is so out of my comfort zone.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: I'm so used to being the lone wolf and the strong person and I can handle it.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: I'm going to ask for help.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: I asked for help as a weakness but now being on the other side, my vulnerability has been so healing for me and really speaking my full truth and not worrying about if someone's going to judge me or someone's going to say something that's going to trigger me.
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: No, my story, like you said, my story is my story.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: Your story is your story.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: I'm proud of it.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: I'm so proud of the person that I've become.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: It was for me to speak up and ask for help and be like, oh my God, I'm not okay, I don't know what to do.
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: Working with a therapist and working with a life coach and looking in the mirror and doing that really deep inner shadow work to figure out.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: Why did I feel like this was okay?
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: Why was I attracting these type of toxic people?
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: Why didn't I love myself Really asking those questions and figuring out deep down childhood Lian.
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: I didn't experience domestic violence growing up and I think a lot of people in society tend to think that, oh, that must have been something that she saw grown up.
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: Of course she's going to repeat the cycle, but that's not the case.
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: It can happen to anyone.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: My family they're going to celebrate their 41st wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks.
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: Beautiful relationship.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they argued, but my dad never disrespected my mom and vice versa, so I know it had a lot to do with me and that's what I really need to work on.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: Journaling so helpful.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: I think people really sleep on how powerful it can be to get those thoughts out and while I'll do my own harm, I'm a great writer, but I think I'm better at speaking which is why I started a podcast and just getting those thoughts out and not letting them ruminate in here, because they can just fester and live in there and turn into some really dark shit, and I've been in darkness and I know how it feels and I don't want to be there anymore.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: So I have to express myself and get those feelings out and breathwork too.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: My therapist shout out to Dr Lambert Anytime I'm able to talk about him.
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: I'm going to mention his name because he literally changed my life.
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: I told you that I lost everything when I came back.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: He knew my situation.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: I had no health insurance and he was like I don't care, I'm going to see you, free of charge for however you need, and just come to me every week and we're going to talk about it and we're going to just dump everything out.
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: And I'm so thankful for him because if it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't be the woman that I am today with just being able to talk to a third party person who doesn't know me, who I can spill everything out to and that's what he went to school for.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: He was trained for that right and just building trust with another man, that was so helpful.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: And he was a person of color too.
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: I'm Puerto Rican, he's Cuban and just to be able to see someone who looks like me, who understands me, who won't judge me, that was so helpful for me.
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: And, yeah, he taught me breathwork, he taught me journaling, he taught me, he gave me my diagnosis of PTSD post-traumatic stress disorder for anyone who doesn't know, and that's something that a lot of trauma survivors deal with, and I still do have my moments when those triggers come up.
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: About a month ago, I did have a trigger and I went right back to that fight or flight mode and then, with the tools that he gave me, like just tell yourself you're safe, you're ground yourself, and just look around and see you're not back to where your body thinks you are, and allowing that moment to pass and not run away from it like I used to not want to face it.
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: It's too icky, it's too uncomfortable.
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: Surrender to that moment, but don't stay there for too long.
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: That has been one of the most helpful tools for me because, like I said, I do still have triggers every now and then.
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: Luckily they don't happen as often as they used to.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: You've got to deal with their shit, people.
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: That's really how you heal from it.
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: You have to face it, as uncomfortable as it is.
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: But yeah, what about you?
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: I'm curious for you.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, one thing that I always say is it's important to visit those dark places, but it's just a visit.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: Don't unpack your suitcase and live there, because that's where it gets dangerous.
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: What tools worked for you?
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: And?
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: your healing.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: The same thing my private bathroom that I get ready in, so it doesn't matter what it looks like, it's covered in post-its of those affirmations because I want to brush my teeth, look in the mirror and be like, oh, I can pat myself on the back.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: And now it's so cool because I'll be brushing my teeth and I'll be looking down like in the sink, the water running or something, and I think I pat myself on the back, I'm like, oh shit, I wouldn't even read in the post-it and it's sticking there are.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: I'm huge into music and there are a few songs that I listen to that just really empower me, that I love.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: And I'm not much of a writer, I'm definitely a talker, and so the voice note in my phone is my best friend because I'll be laying in bed and I'll have a crazy ass thought or I'll wake up in the middle of the night and instead of writing I will record myself and sometimes hearing it out loud and as crazy as it is to sound, sometimes on that 30 minute drive home from work, I will play the voice notes in my car when it's just me to hear it back to myself.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: Because sometimes I have those moments of okay, david, you were hating yourself in this moment and that's not where the hate or that energy belongs.
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: Or I can tell sometimes when my inner child is just needing to be nourished, and so those are some steps that I do and that I learned through therapy.
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: Please, y'all get a therapist.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: I always say, even the best therapists need a therapist.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: Every time that.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: I sit down with a guest from my show.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: It is 100% for them.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: But you better believe I take so much from it too, and I'm sure you feel that way as well.
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: I say it to every guest.
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: After we finish, I press the stop recording button and I just give them their flowers and just gratitude because, yes, the conversations that we have is for my listeners and I want to help them.
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: I'm living in my purpose to help them.
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: But it is so healing for me just to know that, even if our trauma was different, just to see how beautiful and how they're flourishing and thriving like.
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: That's why my podcast is called Watch Us Thrive.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: It's not called Watch Leanne Thrive, watch Me Thrive.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: No, it's Watch Us Thrive because we all have life experiences.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: We all have things that we're dealing with every single day.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: We all have mental health issues that we don't talk about, but we are also out here thriving and living and healing.
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: Yes, I love my podcast so much I know.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: And I want you on my show.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: I just want to say I want you, I want you to love that.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: Yes let's do it.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: Yes, I would love, love, love that.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: Would you change what happened to you?
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: No, no hesitation and people have asked me that too and I know it sounds crazy to someone who may be listening like what you wanted to almost die.
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: No, that's not what I'm saying.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: Like I said in the beginning, I wouldn't wish this on my enemy.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't wish this on my abuser.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: I don't wanna say I wish him well, it's just, you don't matter to me anymore, right?
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: That's where I've gotten to in my own healing.
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: Would I change it?
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: Absolutely not, because, hitting that rock bottom, I literally feel like I had a second chance at life.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: I had an opportunity to start over and to really focus on Leanne for the first time in her life ever.
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: I was always so used to worrying about other people, putting my all into these relationships and not getting anything in return, and I truly feel like this was the way that God was gonna make me listen for real, like a slap upside the head.
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: Listen, motherfucker, it's time for you to really face your shit.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: And it was because of that darkness, that moment, that the switch went off and it was like okay, you have a second chance at life.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: You survived for a reason.
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: What are you gonna do with it?
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: So, 1,000%?
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: I would not that.
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: I would wanna experience it again, but I know that it happened for a reason and I stand 10 toes down like no questions.
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: I would not change anything that I've gone through anything in my life.
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: How did you?
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: answer.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: For years, my answer to that was always yes, I've done myself, sometimes bitter and angry.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: And then, probably six months ago, someone asked me and, without even thinking, I was like, nope, I wouldn't change anything.
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: And I was even like, okay, I was a guest on someone's show and I was like, okay, I need to take a minute, but that is not what I expected to come out of me.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I was like, in order for me to what you said, to gain back that control, in order for me to turn this shit into something beautiful is, I've got to bring awareness, I've got to be an open book.
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: My story was very public which is one of the reasons why I say you can ask me anything because it felt like I was having to do damage control for a while because my story was so public and it was the wrong narrative being painted here in the South.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: And then, finally, I remember that day when I was like you know what, let them think shit about me, let them talk shit, because the people that know me and know the truth, they're the ones that matter.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: And, like I remember and I'm sure you could probably relate to this, I would love to hear one of your stories, because I remember that first email I got from someone saying I heard your show and it changed me, and that's that moment I knew.
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: Yes, oh, absolutely, and that's what caught me off guard when I started my podcast.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: I know that I have a very powerful story and a testimony.
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: I don't think I really realized how it would affect other people in a way that they could relate and when I started going public and telling people what happened because when it happened, I remember I removed myself from social media completely because I was terrified that he was gonna find me it's wild to think, even though he's in prison but he had family and friends or whatever, and some of them knew me.
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: So I completely hid away from the world and then, a few months later, then I slowly started coming back.
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: That was before I started my podcast, but I just knew, like I said before, I survived the search for a reason.
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: I got to talk about it and when I started to talk about it, the people that I knew in my real life, some people that I didn't even speak to in like years, reached out to me and they were like yeah, me too.
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: Like I remember this one girl that I used to work with.
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: She was in a really shitty relationship, but I never knew that it was physically abusive and she sent me pictures of her bruises that she had and I was like, oh my God, and it made me think I'm not alone.
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean?
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: I'm not the only one going through this, because when I was in that relationship, when I was going through my trauma, I felt so alone.
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: I felt like no one could understand what I was going through and that's why I didn't speak up and that's a question that I get asked a lot too why did you stay?
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: And when I started speaking out, the feedback was just so overwhelming with love and support.
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: People from London found me and reached out to me and were like, oh my God, I listened to your episode and I just love your vibe and I love what you talk about and you're bringing awareness, like you're helping me.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: I had another girl reach out to me and she was like my best friend is going through this, can you give me some advice?
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: And I just spoke to her and it's just wow.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: This is the reason, this is my purpose.
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: Like God, I understand now.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: When I was in it, of course, that was not my mentality and I don't want to paint this picture that like it was easy and breezy.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: No, absolutely not.
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: I had a lot of dark moments, a lot of tears, a lot of anger, a lot of resentment, a lot of sadness all of those feelings that do still come up from time to time.
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: But I found my purpose within this pain and I want to share that with the world, because we survived what we went through for a reason.
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: We have to talk about it.
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: One in three women go through the experience domestic violence in their lifetime One in three, and I believe it's one in seven men.
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: So it's so common.
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: Why are we not talking about it?
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: Why are we so afraid to raise awareness and to start making change?
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: No, this is how we change when we have these conversations.
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: So what do you do?
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: To say you know what I have to in order for me to give my listeners and myself my best.
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: Leanne, I've got to turn this off, and this is what I'm doing for myself.
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: What do you do for yourself?
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: And it's so funny that you mentioned that because I actually put it up in my story a couple hours ago.
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: I was like yo, I feel like I'm reaching burnout because I'm doing too much and I need to prioritize rest.
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: I need to prioritize taking breaks, which is so hard, especially for people of color and in my community, latinos Latinas like that's not normal, that's not something that I experienced growing up.
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: My mom doesn't know how to sit the fuck down still to this day.
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: But I think it's so important to find that balance and to not feel guilty in wanting to spend a day in bed and watch Netflix.
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: You don't have to feel like, oh my God, I'm a failure because I didn't do shit.
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: No, like you're a human being, we're not robots, we're not just go mode and we reach that point of burnout and then we completely shut down, like that happened for me too, especially when I first started my podcast.
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: I was just on go mode, like booking guests and recording and editing.
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: I'm a one woman show to this day, like I'm still doing everything myself.
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: Eventually I plan to expand and outsource and things like that, but right now it's hustle mode and I caught pneumonia and then another God sat me the fuck down and was like you're doing too much, I need you to relax and I need you to take this break.
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: And it's in those moments, when we're able to reflect and really come back to ourselves and our home, that we're able to really heal and then the creative juices begin to flow again.
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: And another thing for me is movement.
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: I shared on my podcast, and I'm very open, that I had weight loss surgery recently, november 2nd of 2022.
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: I'm down almost 60 pounds.
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: I didn't know that you had surgery, but you look stunning.
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: Thank you, you got gorgeous glass.
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm out here thriving, yeah, focusing on my physical health.
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: For me, your physical health and your mental health correlate with one another, and I was doing a lot of the work mentally but my body wasn't catching up and I knew for me I really had to do something drastic again, like almost losing my life.
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: I had to cut my stomach completely, almost all the way off, in order for me to start changing my relationship with food and with my health and all of these things and going to the gym at least three to four times a week and making that a priority.
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: It's so healing for me too, because not only am I changing physically, but the way I'm carrying myself, my confidence, just everything is changing and I think it's so important to also focus on y'all.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: We have to move what we intake, the food, what we're consuming on social media, what we're watching, the people that we hang around Like.
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: You really need to take inventory of those things in your life and if something is off, you have to make the change.
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: But, like we said before, the only person who can make that happen is you, and you need to want for it to happen.
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: And I got to the point that I was like I was tired of my own shit again and I had to do something drastic.
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: But yeah, that's been super healing for me.
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that you look great.
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: Thank you, I feel amazing.
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, obviously you're not stopping your shows doing great.
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: You were so inspired, you set a goal and you reach it.
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: That's amazing.
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: Thanks, what do you see happening?
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: What are your goals for your show?
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I love when people ask me this because I say this answer and some people laugh and I do laugh too, but I mean it with like my whole chest.
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: So I want to be the Latina Dr Phil and I know some people love him and some people hate him, but he's my guy.
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: I love him, ride or die Like.
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: I literally watch him on the Oprah network every day while I'm working from home.
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: I want to reach that level of success, of reach.
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: I want to have my own TV show, have my own network, have my show on SiriusXM.
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: I want to for this thing to go global and not for the money or the fame or the followers, because I don't give a fuck about any of that bullshit.
• 37:39
  Speaker 2: I really just want to help people because there's so many broken, unhealed people that are going through things and they don't feel like they have this place to feel safe and seen, and that's what I want my platform to grow into, that is what it's going into this beautiful place that we can just be vulnerable when we can be real and we don't need to hide behind the mask and the bullshit that life has for us every single day, like I just want to have this place where people can just be free and be themselves and not be judged, and be seen and understood and loved and healing and all of that.
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: So that's my goal and another goal that I have for this year.
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: Specifically, my word of the year for 2023 is elevate.
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: 2022 is accountability.
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: This year is elevate.
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: I want to elevate myself, my brand, everything.
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: I want to start doing in-person speaking engagements and I actually have one coming up in two weeks.
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: I'm so excited this will be your first one.
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: My first in-person speaking gig.
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: Oh wow, that's amazing.
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: Yes, so I'm going to be at like a women's empowerment brunch, just going to have a conversation, talk to people in person.
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: I'm so excited.
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: I'm so nervous too, because us podcasters I don't know about you, but for me, like I'm safe behind my mic, but it's different when it's in person.
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: But I just love the energy in the community that has been built and I want to continue growing that, especially in person.
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: So that's my goal.
• 39:12
  Speaker 2: Yes, I love that.
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: Please keep us updated with that.
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: Yes, Because I want that's on my bucket list too, and I did one with Helen Ross McNeab, which is the facility that I go to for my mental health.
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: When they opened up their sexual assault group center and doing group therapy sessions, they had me come on in and speak and it was amazing.
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: I was terrified.
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: Then, after I did it like once I started talking, I was fine.
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: Get me to the microphone, I'm fine, exactly Once you get in your groove.
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: you're good yeah.
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: So I can't wait to hear that, to hear how all that goes.
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: One thing that I love and I would like to hear your thought on this is I always tell people that when you're a guest on my show, you're stuck with me now because I feel like there's always this bond and connection with survivors.
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: Do you find that with yours too?
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, no matter what the time is.
• 40:10
  Speaker 2: Yes, it's just, it's a different type of feeling when someone can just relate, like you said, even if it's a different kind of trauma, just to know that someone says someone sees me and understands me, and just like we right here, ugh, so I just hope you know that you're one of my best friends for life, now, forever.
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: Forever.
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: I love it.
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: So before we go, I want to ask you a fun question, when I was going to say if, but there's no if.
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: When there is a movie made about you and your life and your success, who would you like to play you?
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's good Immediately and it's not cause she's Puerto Rican, but JLo comes to mind.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: That's who I, that's who I was going to say, because I'm thinking of the movie enough.
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: I love that movie so much.
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: We're twins.
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, Absolutely.
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: And I'm like yo.
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: She could definitely play me and play my story.
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be as good as me, but you know you probably coach her a little bit.
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: It takes some porno for me.
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: But yeah, absolutely JLo.
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: Let's connect.
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: But I always say, when that movie comes and you all are doing it, I need Zac Efron to play me as the podcast for that interview.
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: She'll okay.
• 41:26
  Speaker 2: Yes, I'm here for it.
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, you guys are like twins.
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: What do you mean?
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, Leanne, I am so glad to have met you and to hear you.
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: I can't wait to be a guest on your show, but we're going to make that happen.
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and, like I said, we're stuck with each other now.
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: I would love for you to send anybody my way and vice versa.
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: I've got a few people that I would love to send your way.
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: That, I know, would just be amazing.
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: Yes, before we go, even though I could sit and talk to you all night, before we go, tell everybody where we can find you.
• 41:59
  Speaker 2: Yes, thank you so much.
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: First of all, this like we said before, this is so healing for me.
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: Every time I'm able to share my story, another cell in my body is like bling.
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: Okay, girl, you're good, you got this.
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: So I just want to say thank you for what you're doing.
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: Keep doing it.
• 42:16
  Speaker 2: You are out here changing so many lives with not only your story but the people that you have on.
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: So, thank you, I'm so honored and you can follow me primarily on Instagram.
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: That is my home base.
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: I'm there all the time in the stories going live Watch Us Thrive podcast.
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: Also, I have a YouTube channel that I'm really focusing heavily on all of my season.
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: Two video episodes on there.
• 42:38
  Speaker 2: Same handle Watch Us Thrive.
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: I'm on all the others like Facebook, linkedin, tiktok, elsin, youtube.
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: You can put them in the show.
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: I want to extend my deepest gratitude to our incredible guests for sharing their transformative journey with us today.
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: Your bravery and inspiration to us all.
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: Before we go, I want to remind you to stay connected with us on our social media platforms.
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: Follow us on Instagram, twitter, facebook and TikTok, where we will continue to conversation, share resources and provide support for survivors like you.
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: Remember you're not alone.
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: To all of our listeners, thank you for joining us again.
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: Your resilience and willingness to feel is what makes this community strong.
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: As we embark on this journey together, let's remember that there is life after trauma.
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: We can rise above it and create a future filled with hope and joy.
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: Join us next week as we dive into the healing process and share more incredible stories of triumph and resilience.
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: Until then, take care of yourself and remember you deserve love, you deserve happiness and, above all, you deserve an abundance of healing.
• 44:06
  Speaker 2: And I'll pray for you.
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: I'm done hurting.
• 44:09
  Speaker 2: I'll be the anger, alright, you've been hanging longer.
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: Then we begin again.
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: Now I'm back and I'll pray for you.
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: I'm done hurting.