Latest / Two Ts In A Pod with Teddi Mellencamp and Tamra Judge / Hit Me Baby, One More Time

Transcript

Hit Me Baby, One More Time · Two Ts In A Pod with Teddi Mellencamp and Tamra Judge

0:00
Speaker 1: Hi guys, Welcome back to this week's Teddy te pod. Um.
0:04
Speaker 1: We are going to be digging into the truth about
0:07
Speaker 1: relationships after baby. I have on TV host, celebrity relationship
0:13
Speaker 1: expert and national best selling author of bad Advice dr
0:17
Speaker 1: V to help me. She's gonna be joining us in
0:19
Speaker 1: a minute, because let's be honest, it's been a minute
0:23
Speaker 1: since I am post baby. My kids are now five
0:27
Speaker 1: and seven, and then my stepdaughters eleven, and now that
0:31
Speaker 1: I'm like in the final countdown. I love when I
0:33
Speaker 1: said that, the final countdown, like the final countdown of
0:38
Speaker 1: having this baby, like reality starting to set in, like
0:42
Speaker 1: everything is about to shift. I mean even yesterday when
0:45
Speaker 1: I was in the car with my husband, he was like, hey, babe,
0:49
Speaker 1: we should look into like where we're gonna go for
0:51
Speaker 1: spring break with the kids and blah blah blah. And
0:53
Speaker 1: I'm like, where we're gonna go for spring break. I'm
0:56
Speaker 1: gonna have a six week old. We're not going anywhere,
0:59
Speaker 1: Like we're gonna be home. Um, you're welcome to do
1:03
Speaker 1: a day trip, but like, there's not many vacations we're
1:07
Speaker 1: gonna go on in the first six weeks. So I
1:09
Speaker 1: think we've both gotten to that place where we've forgotten
1:13
Speaker 1: how much everything is about to change. I mean, not
1:18
Speaker 1: to mention like sexy time is a little different when
1:22
Speaker 1: you're thirty seven weeks pregnant than how it is when
1:25
Speaker 1: you're not pregnant, or how it's going to be when
1:29
Speaker 1: the doctor gives you permission to have sex after baby.
1:33
Speaker 1: So it's just like those constant things that you forget about.
1:36
Speaker 1: And I mean, I also had such different experiences with
1:40
Speaker 1: both of my kids. Um, after Slate, I had postpartum
1:45
Speaker 1: anxiety and it was just so brutal and uh, you know,
1:50
Speaker 1: Edwin didn't even really realize what was going on until
1:53
Speaker 1: he saw a Google search on the computer. And then
1:56
Speaker 1: with Cruise because he was in the nick. You know,
2:00
Speaker 1: I remember being sent home from the hospital and crews
2:03
Speaker 1: having to stay, and then me pretty much just camping
2:06
Speaker 1: out in the nick. You So, both postpartum experiences were
2:10
Speaker 1: completely different for me. Um, this pregnancy has been completely
2:14
Speaker 1: different from me. So, I you know, I want to
2:18
Speaker 1: go in having as much knowledge as I can. I
2:21
Speaker 1: also have so many listener questions that I want to
2:24
Speaker 1: get through. But I mean, truthfully, I have questions for myself,
2:28
Speaker 1: you know, I want to be able to learn from
2:30
Speaker 1: things that I may have done wrong last time, or
2:32
Speaker 1: you know, give myself empathy for things that you know,
2:36
Speaker 1: are a little bit of grace for things that like
2:38
Speaker 1: I gave myself a hard time about that. Truthfully, you know,
2:42
Speaker 1: your body has just gone through a lot, and we
2:44
Speaker 1: we sometimes forget that. So when we come back after
2:47
Speaker 1: the break, I'm gonna have dr V help me. We're
2:50
Speaker 1: going to get through your questions. Also, we're just post
2:52
Speaker 1: Valentine's Day, so we can talk a little bit about
2:55
Speaker 1: that as well. So, um, be right back, all right,
3:01
Speaker 1: So we are back with dr V. And you know,
3:05
Speaker 1: whether I watch it or not, I guess we should
3:06
Speaker 1: get into Valentine's Day since, um, you know it just happened.
3:10
Speaker 1: How is yours? Um Mine was great, slightly uneventful, you
3:17
Speaker 1: know what. That's how my Valentine. I mean, I think
3:20
Speaker 1: after like twenty years together, you kind of get each
3:23
Speaker 1: other's groove. Either you love each day each other every
3:26
Speaker 1: day or you don't. That's why I feel we do
3:28
Speaker 1: like a five o'clock dinner with the kids and then
3:31
Speaker 1: we go on a date another day. No, but like
3:35
Speaker 1: the kids want to celebrate Valentine's Day just as much
3:38
Speaker 1: as we do. And do you want to celebrate Valentine's Day? No, Okay,
3:43
Speaker 1: I guess no. I don't really want to say. I
3:47
Speaker 1: don't want to go somewhere and have a set menu
3:49
Speaker 1: and have to sit there for hours. But it's like,
3:51
Speaker 1: you know everything we know. I don't want to talk
3:53
Speaker 1: to you for five hours. No, I get it. No,
3:55
Speaker 1: So we go at five o'clock with the kids. We like,
3:58
Speaker 1: have you know their favorite food? And that's kind of
4:01
Speaker 1: it um for us, and then we do a date
4:04
Speaker 1: another day. For me, it's not like that huge deal.
4:06
Speaker 1: I do like to poke at my husband though, because
4:09
Speaker 1: he's like behind on a couple of gifts. Wait how many? Oh,
4:15
Speaker 1: so he's now clapped, So he's behind on Christmas, Christmas,
4:21
Speaker 1: now Valentine's Day. And his plan is he was actually
4:25
Speaker 1: talking with Kyle, we were at dinner the other night,
4:27
Speaker 1: and he goes, here's the plan, Kyle. I'm going all
4:30
Speaker 1: in for the push present. I want to be Christmas
4:34
Speaker 1: Valentine's Day. And I'm like, you realize that if you
4:38
Speaker 1: don't deliver on this push present, I don't even care
4:42
Speaker 1: about presents. But it's the idea that you talked about it.
4:46
Speaker 1: Now it's in my head like he's spoken into existence,
4:49
Speaker 1: and now it's got to come. Now, it's got to
4:52
Speaker 1: come to good thinking about it. And I'm already going
4:55
Speaker 1: to be a mental case right after having the baby,
4:57
Speaker 1: emotional all the things. So I just like teased him.
5:01
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, all right, we'll see, we'll see, buddy. Like,
5:05
Speaker 1: but he's one of those people that like doesn't like
5:08
Speaker 1: to buy traditional gifts at like a certain time. He
5:11
Speaker 1: likes just surprised with like a big trip or something
5:14
Speaker 1: you always really wanted, you know. So I always know
5:17
Speaker 1: that about it, so I don't get my feelings, but
5:19
Speaker 1: I like to tease him NonStop about it. My husband
5:23
Speaker 1: is very much a gift giver and I'm very much
5:26
Speaker 1: a gift receiver. So this relationship works out very well.
5:30
Speaker 1: We we actually did the love Languages. Um. We took
5:34
Speaker 1: that like quiz or whatever, and um, I was surprised
5:38
Speaker 1: by mine. I thought I was like I liked like
5:41
Speaker 1: human touch or whatever, and it was I wanted, um affirmation, yeah,
5:47
Speaker 1: affirmation yea. And I was like really and his was
5:51
Speaker 1: acts of service. I was like, no freaking shock there.
5:53
Speaker 1: But my tacts of service too. Yeah, thank god because
5:57
Speaker 1: my husband, my husband's is not, which is great because
5:59
Speaker 1: I'm doing acts of service. I told my house. Is
6:03
Speaker 1: it like a blow job or like, what are our
6:05
Speaker 1: acts of Wait a bit before we before we begin,
6:08
Speaker 1: what are the rules to this show? We can talk
6:10
Speaker 1: anything great. So it depends on what acts of service
6:14
Speaker 1: is to your husband? Well, is it pretty much? It's
6:19
Speaker 1: pretty much pretending he is also one of my children.
6:24
Speaker 1: Here's breakfast, here's coffee, here's this, and you know what,
6:29
Speaker 1: That's how I was for a long time in our
6:31
Speaker 1: mary and then and when I changed my life and
6:35
Speaker 1: started changing, you know, all in came about. And now
6:37
Speaker 1: I have like over fifty people that work with me
6:40
Speaker 1: and like it's just you know, constant business. Like you're like,
6:45
Speaker 1: Mike has your breakfast? No, I like jo, I'm like,
6:48
Speaker 1: I want you to start looking at me like we're
6:50
Speaker 1: roommates with benefits, because this is too much. I can't
6:54
Speaker 1: you get up at a different time as the kid,
6:56
Speaker 1: like this is craziness. But we the reason I of
7:00
Speaker 1: my husband, as we can laugh at each other, like
7:02
Speaker 1: without it, we would be. If you have a sense
7:05
Speaker 1: of humor, you can get through anything. And everything if
7:09
Speaker 1: you can laugh about it and that is the truth.
7:11
Speaker 1: Um so. But Valentine's Day used to be something that
7:16
Speaker 1: I poked a lot of fun at um. But now
7:19
Speaker 1: I just kind of feel like why not. What's what's
7:24
Speaker 1: the harm in having a day set aside not just
7:28
Speaker 1: to tell romantic love, but the people that you love
7:32
Speaker 1: that you love them. Like, what a wonderful thing that
7:35
Speaker 1: a day is set aside just to do that. But
7:38
Speaker 1: the problem is it's not set aside just to do
7:40
Speaker 1: that when you can make it whatever you want. When
7:42
Speaker 1: you have little kids, there's crafts, there's this, you have
7:44
Speaker 1: to show up to school, there's three different time do
7:46
Speaker 1: you think do you think I participate? And what I'm
7:50
Speaker 1: talking about I don't. Okay, Well, I'm just saying that
7:53
Speaker 1: it's no longer about that because it's so commercialized. There's
7:57
Speaker 1: so many things, and not only like I we got
8:00
Speaker 1: the email like a couple of days before Thanksgiving, like
8:03
Speaker 1: just to reminder parents there's no sweets or foods allowed,
8:06
Speaker 1: but be creative with your kids. Valentine's Days. I'm like,
8:09
Speaker 1: go kick rocks. I don't want to. It's another day
8:13
Speaker 1: for you to work and I'm sitting there with Mike
8:15
Speaker 1: Sons five. He's got enough like timing to like write
8:19
Speaker 1: c r us and then it's like homework for you.
8:22
Speaker 1: And then I'm sitting there crafting these ladybugs and he's like,
8:26
Speaker 1: the boys are going to like those. Mom. I'm like,
8:28
Speaker 1: you know what, whatever, you know what. That's how I
8:31
Speaker 1: feel about Valentine's Day. I didn't get a present and
8:33
Speaker 1: I made a bunch of bugs. Well, my hope is
8:39
Speaker 1: that the push present really comes through. You know what.
8:42
Speaker 1: I'll let you know. I'll be one of those annoying
8:46
Speaker 1: people that post it and I'll be like loving this
8:48
Speaker 1: than um, but a lot of my you should get
8:52
Speaker 1: more than a gift. I mean, think about that. You're
8:54
Speaker 1: squeezing a watermelon through your nostrils. You know you deserve
8:59
Speaker 1: a gift and more. Well, I you know the gift
9:02
Speaker 1: I give is every night about like one too three
9:05
Speaker 1: four am, as I cannot get out of bed anymore,
9:07
Speaker 1: and I make this noise. My husband's do you need help?
9:15
Speaker 1: That's like his favorite line, Like really, what You're going
9:17
Speaker 1: to get out of bed and help me out of
9:19
Speaker 1: bed right now? I'm like, okay, but that is like
9:22
Speaker 1: a lot of what our listeners have been asked me
9:24
Speaker 1: about like how do you keep things spicy after a baby,
9:28
Speaker 1: or how do you bring back the intimacy? And you
9:30
Speaker 1: know what, I can really understand because truthfully, right now,
9:34
Speaker 1: sex for us is honestly like, I'm like, you got
9:36
Speaker 1: a job to do, and you're gonna come in and
9:39
Speaker 1: do it because this is going to make the delivery
9:41
Speaker 1: better and the only way we can kind of get
9:44
Speaker 1: through because there's nothing sexy about this whole situation. So
9:49
Speaker 1: I just want to say that I think that is
9:51
Speaker 1: a social injustice, and I think that women who are
9:54
Speaker 1: pregnant are incredibly sex Oh. I wasn't saying I'm not sexy, Okay, En,
9:59
Speaker 1: she's see, I'm saying the idea of while you're trying
10:03
Speaker 1: to have sex when you're pregnant, you can't sit up,
10:07
Speaker 1: you can't move or for a purpose. Okay. The doctor's like, okay, guys,
10:11
Speaker 1: you gotta start right now. Yeah. The doctor like it's
10:13
Speaker 1: gonna like we go in for my like thirty seven,
10:16
Speaker 1: you know, thirty six and a half week check up,
10:17
Speaker 1: and he's like, just make sure you know, the more
10:19
Speaker 1: you're having sex, the better the delivery is the issue
10:23
Speaker 1: isn't necessarily that we're not loving sex or that we're
10:27
Speaker 1: not having it, or that I'm not feeling good in
10:28
Speaker 1: my own skin. It's that at this point, it's a job.
10:31
Speaker 1: Like I'm like, come on, buddy, we got work to do.
10:34
Speaker 1: We need to have an easy delivery. And in order
10:36
Speaker 1: for us to kind of get through it, like I am,
10:40
Speaker 1: there's one angle that works. There's one position, and it's
10:44
Speaker 1: you know, it's it's not the world's best experience all
10:48
Speaker 1: of the time when you are thirty seven weeks pregnant.
10:52
Speaker 1: Um So I think a lot of people, you know,
10:55
Speaker 1: the same way I will, will have that kind of
10:58
Speaker 1: weird transition period it after you know, after you have
11:01
Speaker 1: a baby, then you wait a certain amount of time
11:03
Speaker 1: and a doctor's like six weeks or whatever it is,
11:07
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden you're just supposed to
11:08
Speaker 1: come back and all of a sudden, your intimacy is
11:10
Speaker 1: alive again and here you go. And you know, I
11:14
Speaker 1: think that a lot of us have a lot of
11:16
Speaker 1: questions like how how do we do it all? Because
11:19
Speaker 1: it's impossible to do it all? And um, I know
11:21
Speaker 1: we have to take a little break, but then can
11:23
Speaker 1: we fully dig into it once we get back, Let's
11:25
Speaker 1: do it. Let's do it. All right, we're back and
11:35
Speaker 1: now I'm just I'm gonna start grilling with listeners questions.
11:38
Speaker 1: Let's do it. Okay, So this first one is from
11:41
Speaker 1: somebody who does not have a baby yet. But how
11:45
Speaker 1: would you say babies challenge a marriage? Oh okay. Well,
11:50
Speaker 1: first of all, if it's your first child, you were
11:54
Speaker 1: once working in a diet. You are now working in
11:57
Speaker 1: a triad. So it changes your entire dynamic completely, and
12:02
Speaker 1: you have to be prepared for that. Um. In so
12:06
Speaker 1: many ways, your communication becomes transactional. You have to really
12:11
Speaker 1: fight against that to make sure that your communication remains relational.
12:16
Speaker 1: So what do I mean by transactional? The baby's throwing up,
12:19
Speaker 1: Get me a bottle, get me a bit, and we're
12:22
Speaker 1: all good. Okay, I got it. So that's like a
12:24
Speaker 1: transactional communication and it's nothing relational. Um. So your sex
12:30
Speaker 1: life will change because your body now has changed. So
12:33
Speaker 1: the things that you may have once liked you may
12:36
Speaker 1: not like anymore because your body is now different. Um.
12:40
Speaker 1: And everybody takes their own time. I really just want
12:43
Speaker 1: to say this for all our female listeners. You take
12:46
Speaker 1: your own time. With your body and what it means
12:49
Speaker 1: to feel good again being intimate and being physical with
12:54
Speaker 1: your partner. They say six weeks. You know a lot
12:57
Speaker 1: of times the men in our lives like, okay, it's
13:01
Speaker 1: six weeks. What is it's coming up? I'm ready for
13:04
Speaker 1: my dinner and you may not be ready, and he's
13:07
Speaker 1: going to have to be okay with that because you
13:10
Speaker 1: just squeezed a watermelon through your nosha, And how do
13:13
Speaker 1: you have I mean, this is truthfully where I struggled
13:16
Speaker 1: because with my with my first I had postpartum anxiety
13:20
Speaker 1: really bad, and you know, kind of morphed into a
13:24
Speaker 1: little bit of depression, and I remember not my husband
13:29
Speaker 1: would leave for work and I would cry. I was
13:34
Speaker 1: just so sad that I was he was gone, and
13:37
Speaker 1: I just felt all of these like overwhelming feelings of
13:39
Speaker 1: not knowing why I felt this way. I remember thinking
13:42
Speaker 1: I'm going to have you know, I have my beautiful
13:44
Speaker 1: baby daughter, and now my life will be better than ever.
13:49
Speaker 1: And I remember having this overwhelming feel feeling of like sadness.
13:54
Speaker 1: And I didn't have it with my son, but with
13:56
Speaker 1: my daughter I did. And so I don't want to
13:58
Speaker 1: discredit that that happened to me, and I had no
14:02
Speaker 1: idea how to talk to my husband about I remember
14:05
Speaker 1: he would come home and I would try to put
14:07
Speaker 1: on a brave face and pretend that like everything was fine.
14:10
Speaker 1: And it wasn't until months later that he was like
14:12
Speaker 1: on our computer and he's like, why are you googling
14:14
Speaker 1: postpartum depression? And I remember being feeling almost embarrassed, and
14:21
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, when you leave, I don't know why,
14:24
Speaker 1: I'm like crying and I'm sad. And then I start
14:27
Speaker 1: over trying to schedule things that don't need to be scheduled,
14:30
Speaker 1: Like I was so particular about her sleep schedule and
14:33
Speaker 1: her bottle, her you know, my breastfeeding and the pumping
14:35
Speaker 1: and the blah blah blah. And that was on the
14:37
Speaker 1: first one. That was on the second one, the second one.
14:41
Speaker 1: But I don't know if that was because it was
14:43
Speaker 1: my second one or because when my second one was born,
14:47
Speaker 1: he was um immediately he wasn't breathing and he immediately
14:52
Speaker 1: went into the nick you and they just start they
14:55
Speaker 1: discharged me, and I would just have to like, for
14:59
Speaker 1: you know, over a week, I was going into the
15:00
Speaker 1: hospital and just trying to camp out as much as
15:02
Speaker 1: I was allowed to and the nick you and I
15:05
Speaker 1: don't know if that like popped me out of it
15:07
Speaker 1: and like, I have no idea, but I didn't have
15:10
Speaker 1: it with CRUs. But very pregnancy is different every and
15:14
Speaker 1: and the baby blues are real though even if you're
15:17
Speaker 1: not postpartum, the baby blues are real. And you and
15:19
Speaker 1: I share the same experience, and I'm sure a lot
15:21
Speaker 1: of women too. I remember that time. I have a
15:24
Speaker 1: thirteen year old, eleven year old and a four year
15:27
Speaker 1: old um and I remember with my thirteen year old
15:30
Speaker 1: when my husband would leave, I would feel this great
15:34
Speaker 1: sense of I want to say, desperation um, And I
15:40
Speaker 1: believe that that is anthropological. You know, we've we've we've
15:46
Speaker 1: built into humans who need each other, who need protection,
15:49
Speaker 1: who need one another, So that feeling is very real
15:53
Speaker 1: and very natural and it's within our DNA to feel this,
15:57
Speaker 1: and there's nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact.
16:00
Speaker 1: You know you're working right, you know you're working properly,
16:03
Speaker 1: You're you're human, and all those chemicals, particularly with the
16:07
Speaker 1: baby blues, the estrogen just drop so quickly, so and
16:12
Speaker 1: for me, I'll never forget the day where I looked
16:17
Speaker 1: over at my husband, and I said, when I look
16:19
Speaker 1: at you, I just want to punch your and you know,
16:25
Speaker 1: he was so sweet and so loving. And you bring
16:29
Speaker 1: up a very good point that it is a great
16:32
Speaker 1: time to really invest in the depth of intimacy within
16:39
Speaker 1: your relationship. So how do you do that without I
16:44
Speaker 1: know it sounds crazy, but sometimes with my husband, and
16:47
Speaker 1: I've seen it happened with my friends. Sometimes if I
16:50
Speaker 1: lead with like a negative, then he wants to try
16:53
Speaker 1: to fix it versus which like I don't want to
16:56
Speaker 1: be fixed, like I want to sometimes just share how
16:58
Speaker 1: I'm feeling. You just want to be heard. So how
17:01
Speaker 1: do you how can you do that? How can you
17:02
Speaker 1: find that that way to communicate where you're trying to
17:06
Speaker 1: share how you're feeling but also like say what you
17:11
Speaker 1: need kind of all in one and you you just
17:13
Speaker 1: said it right there so many times like you you're
17:15
Speaker 1: you're allowed to say, I don't need you to fix this,
17:18
Speaker 1: I just need you to acknowledge my feelings. Um and
17:22
Speaker 1: men are built to be fixers. So as soon as
17:24
Speaker 1: we open up our mouths, oh my god, how do
17:27
Speaker 1: how do I make this go away? How do I
17:28
Speaker 1: fix this? What do I need to do? And I
17:30
Speaker 1: empathize with that feeling, you know, I I I empathize
17:34
Speaker 1: with that because at the core of my soul and
17:36
Speaker 1: I'm hearing too. For you. You're a people pleaser, right
17:40
Speaker 1: You want to make people happy, and there's nothing wrong
17:42
Speaker 1: with that, But what ends up happening is your needs
17:46
Speaker 1: get put on the back burner. So after you have
17:48
Speaker 1: a baby, it's a great time to really empower yourself
17:52
Speaker 1: to be like, Okay, what are my needs? Because I'll
17:54
Speaker 1: tell you most women don't know what they are. They
17:57
Speaker 1: have them, but they don't know what they are. So
18:00
Speaker 1: it's about really asking yourself, what what do I need
18:03
Speaker 1: in this moment right now and write them down because
18:06
Speaker 1: you're postpartum and you're going to forget that. I'm taking
18:09
Speaker 1: us right now. I'm like, what are my needs? Question mark?
18:13
Speaker 1: You know. And it's different this time also because I'm
18:16
Speaker 1: going right back into work. There's no break like it's
18:19
Speaker 1: you know, pretty constant. And I know I have like
18:21
Speaker 1: I have about three or four weeks where it can
18:24
Speaker 1: be um, just myself and the baby and you know,
18:28
Speaker 1: our family, and I remember little things I've noticed. I like,
18:32
Speaker 1: I saw somebody I follow on social media and she
18:35
Speaker 1: posted a photo of herself and her husband and the baby,
18:39
Speaker 1: and she's like, every morning we lay in bed together
18:42
Speaker 1: four hours and it's got amazing. And I texted it
18:46
Speaker 1: to my husband and I wrote, is this gonna be
18:48
Speaker 1: us this time? And it was like, because neither of
18:52
Speaker 1: us are sit still type of people. And but in
18:55
Speaker 1: my mind looking at her Instagram, I was like, you
18:57
Speaker 1: know what, that's Instagram. That would be so nice. I
19:00
Speaker 1: would love that. I would I would hate that, but
19:03
Speaker 1: then I know I would be an anxious mess going
19:06
Speaker 1: create like what needs to be done? Everything would go
19:09
Speaker 1: everybe four hours of you just ruminating on everything you
19:12
Speaker 1: need to do goes. I'm willing to do that, Teddy,
19:15
Speaker 1: but I know you and you're not going to be
19:17
Speaker 1: that way, so and you know, I just want to
19:21
Speaker 1: An overarching theme of pregnancy is that, you know, oftentimes
19:26
Speaker 1: we discuss this between women and um and we really
19:29
Speaker 1: do live in a very sexist society to where still
19:34
Speaker 1: in women are in charge of the household, the kids,
19:39
Speaker 1: and I think once we're able to have a feeling
19:43
Speaker 1: of support and that we're in this together and that
19:47
Speaker 1: it's both parents that you have just had a child
19:51
Speaker 1: to man with a dick. Um. I think that once
19:54
Speaker 1: we're able to sort of create our own environment of
19:58
Speaker 1: support and that it isn't you and that baby against
20:01
Speaker 1: the world. And when your husband leaves your crying, it's
20:04
Speaker 1: that the two of you are together parents, you both
20:09
Speaker 1: have just had a baby, and so oftentimes, um, you know,
20:14
Speaker 1: one of my biggest pet peeves I love to make
20:16
Speaker 1: fun of. Um. You know, my husband is is babysitting
20:20
Speaker 1: while I'm out, you know, and you're like, yeah, he's
20:25
Speaker 1: being a father, that's what dad's do. Or he changes
20:28
Speaker 1: the diaper and all the women are like, yeah, good dad,
20:33
Speaker 1: you're sot up. You're like, I changed a thousands, Like
20:37
Speaker 1: come on now, I know. It's kind of like a
20:40
Speaker 1: running joke UM in our house about it. He's like,
20:43
Speaker 1: my husband's like, I'm thinking I'm gonna do two nights
20:45
Speaker 1: a week this time. I'm like, yeah, I'm so sure.
20:48
Speaker 1: Let me tell you what I said to my husband.
20:49
Speaker 1: I said, let me tell you something. I'm doing all
20:52
Speaker 1: the work now. But when that baby pops out, it's
20:55
Speaker 1: all you. You were getting up in the middle of
20:57
Speaker 1: the night. You're I'm I was the most well rested
21:01
Speaker 1: new mother you ever have seen, because I was like,
21:04
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, you you go, and you know what, he
21:07
Speaker 1: was happy to do that because that was his time
21:10
Speaker 1: with his sons. He loved that. You know what, I'm
21:13
Speaker 1: going to give that a try, Like, seriously, you are
21:17
Speaker 1: doing all of this work, like there has to be uh,
21:21
Speaker 1: there has to be some uh, there has to be
21:26
Speaker 1: some spread out of emotional labor because I think in
21:30
Speaker 1: my mind, I'm like, I want my husband to kind
21:34
Speaker 1: of pick up the slack a little bit with the
21:37
Speaker 1: other kids because I know I am not going to
21:40
Speaker 1: be you know, like how I am operating the way
21:44
Speaker 1: I am right now. So it's like I would, and
21:47
Speaker 1: do you do that best? Do you do newborn best?
21:50
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know. Every time my husband does
21:53
Speaker 1: newborn best, I'm like, you kind of got exactly, here's
21:57
Speaker 1: the baby, and I'm gonna take the other kids out
22:00
Speaker 1: out because we can talk together, like I don't do
22:03
Speaker 1: well with with people who don't talk, and that's newborn's Like, honestly,
22:08
Speaker 1: I am. I am the best teenage mother ever. You know,
22:12
Speaker 1: my husband's sweet spot is newborn to about ten. Figuring
22:17
Speaker 1: out for people, it's figuring out what your strong suit
22:21
Speaker 1: is and focusing on that, so like, if you're better
22:24
Speaker 1: with the older kids, you focus on them and let
22:26
Speaker 1: your other significant other really do some of the the
22:30
Speaker 1: labor at the beginning. Um. Something else that it's been
22:35
Speaker 1: coming up a lot is people are asking what if
22:38
Speaker 1: you don't feel like being touched or even being affectionate,
22:42
Speaker 1: let alone having a sex, what do I do? And Um,
22:46
Speaker 1: I remember feeling like that at times, But then I
22:49
Speaker 1: also remember like the complete opposite, like tenfolds like a
22:53
Speaker 1: crazy person. So it's like mania, It's no, It's true.
23:01
Speaker 1: That happened to me on my second child, where I
23:05
Speaker 1: remember I was driving and I just saw something that
23:09
Speaker 1: resembled a man on a bike, and I'm like, yes,
23:13
Speaker 1: this is it, this is amazing, And I remember being
23:16
Speaker 1: filled with that sense of drive of like wow, where
23:19
Speaker 1: has this been all my life? But on my first son,
23:23
Speaker 1: I remember feeling I just and I think a lot
23:27
Speaker 1: of women go through this where I struggled a little
23:31
Speaker 1: bit with being a mother and then feeling sexual Like
23:36
Speaker 1: I struggled a little bit with that. I remember being like,
23:39
Speaker 1: oh my god, like my son is in the other room,
23:42
Speaker 1: my husband wants to have sex with me. And then
23:44
Speaker 1: on top of that, it's like everyone wants something from
23:47
Speaker 1: your body. Like I remember with a two year old.
23:49
Speaker 1: You know, um, I had ledger in one arm, my
23:54
Speaker 1: son wanting something else from me, my husband wanting to me,
23:58
Speaker 1: and my people just need to leave my body alone.
24:01
Speaker 1: I remember and all the different directions, and I think,
24:06
Speaker 1: you know, somebody else is even saying, like, what if
24:08
Speaker 1: even six months later you're still not in the mood
24:10
Speaker 1: for sex. I think the biggest thing for me after
24:14
Speaker 1: having a baby, and you know, I'll keep you guys
24:16
Speaker 1: posted as I go through it again, is I need
24:19
Speaker 1: to start feeling good. So whatever it is that I
24:24
Speaker 1: find that makes me feel good, if I'm taking action
24:28
Speaker 1: on doing that, then everything else that cloud starts to lift,
24:32
Speaker 1: Like I'll want to have sex or be intimate or
24:35
Speaker 1: go on that date or do those things. But if
24:37
Speaker 1: there is something that I it's like nagging at me.
24:40
Speaker 1: Like for me, it was like it was in regards
24:43
Speaker 1: to food and exercise when I am eating a tons
24:47
Speaker 1: of junk food and not taking care of myself and
24:50
Speaker 1: essentially like feeding my emotions. I don't feel good after
24:56
Speaker 1: and I remember doing that and then you know, I
25:01
Speaker 1: was justifying, oh, this is because I'm breastfeeding, it's for
25:03
Speaker 1: the baby. Uh No, going to McDonald's and getting an
25:07
Speaker 1: egg and cheese biscuit and a cinnamon roll and a
25:09
Speaker 1: coke is not for the baby. Like that's what I
25:13
Speaker 1: was doing. I'm not kidding. It was like next it
25:15
Speaker 1: was a situation. I mean, I love your compartmentalization and
25:18
Speaker 1: your level of denial is fast. Convinced myself of that.
25:23
Speaker 1: But then what would happen is I wasn't feeling good
25:26
Speaker 1: in my own skin, so I wasn't wanting so even
25:30
Speaker 1: once it wasn't about a medical situation in regards to
25:32
Speaker 1: the doctor, was I wasn't taking care of myself for
25:35
Speaker 1: what I needed. Well. I also just want to point
25:37
Speaker 1: out on a biology, on a biological level, if you
25:40
Speaker 1: were having UM decreases or surges and estrogen or U
25:46
Speaker 1: twoestosterone or any number of hormones within our bodies UM,
25:51
Speaker 1: it can affect our skin and how we feel in
25:54
Speaker 1: our clothes and how we feel with touch. So that's
25:57
Speaker 1: very real. So I just want to point that out
25:59
Speaker 1: that that's that could be a true How do you
26:02
Speaker 1: how do you know if that's actually happening. Well, the
26:05
Speaker 1: idea of hormonal balance is really theoretical. That being said,
26:09
Speaker 1: you can go to your g y N. You can
26:11
Speaker 1: see how high your estrogen is, you can see how
26:13
Speaker 1: low your distosterone is. You can get a pannel of
26:16
Speaker 1: all of those. Um and after pregnancy, they're more likely
26:20
Speaker 1: to be willing to, you know, give you that panel.
26:23
Speaker 1: So just be aware of that that that could be
26:26
Speaker 1: very very real. Um And I remember in my second pregnancy,
26:30
Speaker 1: I think I couldn't wear uh certain feelings of sweaters.
26:35
Speaker 1: They just weren't so it harmonal imbalance. My stomach is
26:41
Speaker 1: so itchy and like if a sweater like I can't
26:44
Speaker 1: wear cash anything like I needed it to be like cottony. Yeah. No,
26:48
Speaker 1: I feel you, and I also feel you on doing
26:50
Speaker 1: what's best for you. Look, I I gained. I can't
26:56
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you this because you're gonna flip out,
26:58
Speaker 1: But I gained a hundred and twenty five pounds on
27:02
Speaker 1: both children. And I say to myself, like, I'm secretly
27:09
Speaker 1: a fat girl trying to get out because I don't
27:11
Speaker 1: have one stretch mark. So I just am this person
27:16
Speaker 1: that has the ability to expand and then decrease. So
27:21
Speaker 1: but on both children, I was waiting for my doctor
27:23
Speaker 1: to be like. I even said, I'm like you please
27:25
Speaker 1: tell me to stop eating. Please, somebody tell me to
27:28
Speaker 1: stop eating. I remember I would go to marmalade and
27:30
Speaker 1: they would cut me a piece. As I got bigger,
27:33
Speaker 1: their pieces of cake got bigger. They were working with
27:36
Speaker 1: they were working with me. They were good friends. And
27:39
Speaker 1: I remember I literally was like maybe I was like
27:43
Speaker 1: thirty eight weeks pregnant. I was about where you are,
27:45
Speaker 1: and they cut the cake in half and they just
27:47
Speaker 1: gave it to me, and I ate the whole damn
27:49
Speaker 1: thing and I felt great. Men to me. Yeah, I know.
27:53
Speaker 1: I think each pregnancy I gained over eighty pounds with
27:57
Speaker 1: both the others, and this one I've gained forties, you know,
28:00
Speaker 1: so far. Um See, I don't even know how you're
28:03
Speaker 1: doing that in a week. But it's because this time
28:07
Speaker 1: I really went into it. Well. The other pregnancies, I
28:10
Speaker 1: was on bed rest and I had all these complications.
28:13
Speaker 1: And this one I've been able to be active, and truthfully,
28:16
Speaker 1: I haven't been you know, you know, I have a
28:18
Speaker 1: whole health and wellness program all in. I haven't been
28:21
Speaker 1: all in and you know we can't, you can't be um.
28:24
Speaker 1: But I have been active I've been able to stay
28:26
Speaker 1: consistently active and like I'm not pulling into McDonald Yeah.
28:32
Speaker 1: I walked to all different restaurants. It was amazing. And
28:36
Speaker 1: I remember I turned to my Okay, so my husband
28:38
Speaker 1: says to me, would you like to have a piece
28:40
Speaker 1: of chocolate cake? And I looked at him, like chocolate cake? What?
28:46
Speaker 1: He's like, Yeah, you ate that every day. I just
28:49
Speaker 1: was wanting to know if you wanted to continue that.
28:52
Speaker 1: The thought of that, like right after I had the baby,
28:55
Speaker 1: like the thought of doing that. I was like, oh
28:58
Speaker 1: my god. And I turned to him and I said,
29:00
Speaker 1: please tell me that that boy is ninety pounds. It's
29:05
Speaker 1: like he's nine pounds. He's big, but he's not with
29:08
Speaker 1: the extra zero. And I was like, oh my god,
29:10
Speaker 1: what did I do? Yeah, you just get into mind
29:13
Speaker 1: frames and you kind of go for it. Um, And
29:17
Speaker 1: somebody's asking, do the same issues come up for gay
29:21
Speaker 1: couples in terms of communication being transactional, in terms of
29:27
Speaker 1: the new dynamic? Um, all of that is all true. Um,
29:32
Speaker 1: are they dealing with the biological issues? I think once
29:35
Speaker 1: you're a parent, your biology shifts from a sense of
29:39
Speaker 1: save myself first too, I have to save this child,
29:42
Speaker 1: so they are dealing with biological changes as well, not
29:46
Speaker 1: harmonially like women would go through. I mean, we just
29:49
Speaker 1: had a child, um, But yes, gay couples do go
29:53
Speaker 1: through the same things that every couple would go through
29:56
Speaker 1: because your life completely changed completely and you're really not ready.
30:01
Speaker 1: You think you know what it is, but like, I
30:03
Speaker 1: think the biggest like wake up call to me was I,
30:06
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, can no longer just leave the
30:08
Speaker 1: house because I want to? And I think that was
30:11
Speaker 1: a big shock to myself. You know, I had always
30:13
Speaker 1: gone to work every day, I had you know, a
30:15
Speaker 1: million things to do, plans, blah blah, and now every
30:18
Speaker 1: single part of my day needed to be scheduled and
30:21
Speaker 1: that was something that I was like, what, um, I
30:25
Speaker 1: still feel that way. What I mean, I do too,
30:29
Speaker 1: I've just gotten more used to it. I'm like, this
30:31
Speaker 1: is my life. Okay, it's Monday morning. I Am going
30:33
Speaker 1: to wake up at five am workouts so then I
30:35
Speaker 1: can feed my kids breakfast, take them to school, and
30:37
Speaker 1: get to the podcast on time. Like it's it's different
30:41
Speaker 1: than just I'm gonna set my alarm, wake up and
30:42
Speaker 1: show up to work. That no longer happens are, Hey,
30:45
Speaker 1: you want to go out tonight. Nope, you're gonna need
30:48
Speaker 1: to find a babysitter. I'm one of five and I'm
30:52
Speaker 1: one of the oldest, so I grew up taking care
30:54
Speaker 1: of kids, so I have this built in obligatory alarm.
30:58
Speaker 1: So for me, that wasn't much of a of a
31:00
Speaker 1: big deal. I understand a personal obligation, I guess I'm
31:03
Speaker 1: trying to say so I understood that, But I really
31:06
Speaker 1: do empathize with people. Your life changes, your life is
31:09
Speaker 1: no longer your own. So if yourself, if you're a
31:11
Speaker 1: selfish person, please know that about yourself, and don't have
31:13
Speaker 1: kids because you'll be miserable. And then if you for
31:17
Speaker 1: for our male listeners, if you see that your wife
31:20
Speaker 1: has baby blues, maybe she's not talking about it, or
31:23
Speaker 1: maybe she doesn't even know what's going on. How can
31:26
Speaker 1: you help her without making her feel worse? Asking questions
31:32
Speaker 1: is always a great way. And and and men love
31:36
Speaker 1: to man splain in general, and they're not really there.
31:42
Speaker 1: I don't want to make an over generalization, but the
31:44
Speaker 1: bottom line is you need to be more curious about
31:47
Speaker 1: your partner's experience. You know, how are you feeling today?
31:50
Speaker 1: What is it like to be you today? How can
31:53
Speaker 1: I help you today? What is it that you need?
31:56
Speaker 1: Do you even know your needs? So be curious about
32:00
Speaker 1: your partner's experience. Essentially, you have to seem like you care. Well.
32:04
Speaker 1: I think many men do care. I th they just
32:07
Speaker 1: don't know how to show it. For first of all,
32:10
Speaker 1: I I want to just say that men. I My
32:13
Speaker 1: heart goes out to men because they grow up in
32:15
Speaker 1: a society where they are not allowed to express how
32:18
Speaker 1: they feel um and so they don't grow up being
32:22
Speaker 1: curious about other people's experiences because they're not don't know,
32:25
Speaker 1: they're were built to talk about other people's experience other
32:28
Speaker 1: than their own. So there is a level of a
32:31
Speaker 1: teachable moment that perhaps women have to share with their husbands.
32:36
Speaker 1: But you just had a baby, and one of the
32:42
Speaker 1: equality of life measures of your life will be who
32:45
Speaker 1: you married, who your partner will be. So I tell
32:48
Speaker 1: all of your listeners, choose very wisely, because of your
32:54
Speaker 1: happiness or your unhappiness will come from your partner. Choose easlee.
33:01
Speaker 1: And you get to see that in pregnancy well, and
33:04
Speaker 1: that we've got to take a little break and then
33:05
Speaker 1: we'll come back and we'll dig into more of these questions.
33:07
Speaker 1: It's so good, all right, I'm just going to start
33:17
Speaker 1: with a controversial question. Um, somebody's asking and you can
33:21
Speaker 1: tell she is at her wits end because she asked
33:24
Speaker 1: it like six different times on my Instagram, you know,
33:26
Speaker 1: like I kept seeing like you, you need to get
33:29
Speaker 1: that out there. My husband isn't properly bonding with my newborn?
33:33
Speaker 1: What do I do? It's making me fall out of
33:35
Speaker 1: love with him? Well, what does properly bonding look like
33:40
Speaker 1: to her? I don't know, but I think bonding is
33:44
Speaker 1: different for everyone. If he's ignoring the newborn, well then
33:48
Speaker 1: of course you're seeing a side of someone that maybe
33:51
Speaker 1: you don't want to see. Um, But bonding is different
33:55
Speaker 1: for everyone. So, for example, for my husband, bonding with
33:59
Speaker 1: his boys was feeding them every night, getting up with them,
34:03
Speaker 1: feeding them, talking to them. But if I was hurt
34:06
Speaker 1: and I heard you just say that, I immediately within
34:08
Speaker 1: look at my husband and be like, hey, why aren't
34:11
Speaker 1: you up every night feeding our baby? And she could
34:13
Speaker 1: ask that question and she would be right to do.
34:15
Speaker 1: So why is it her responsibility? Why is it female responsibility?
34:19
Speaker 1: She would be absolutely right in asking her husband, why
34:23
Speaker 1: aren't you getting up. Why am I getting up? Look
34:26
Speaker 1: the protect His answer is, I have to get up
34:28
Speaker 1: and go to work tomorrow. Well, I mean we all
34:31
Speaker 1: have to get up and go to work tomorrow. Whether
34:32
Speaker 1: you're a mother, whether you're a stay at home mother,
34:35
Speaker 1: or whether you're working, We're all getting up the next
34:37
Speaker 1: day to work. God willing, We're all getting up the
34:39
Speaker 1: next day to work. The issue here is that women
34:42
Speaker 1: are understanding in a marriage that the jig is up.
34:46
Speaker 1: Marriage is an institution made by men for men. Men
34:50
Speaker 1: benefit period. Women get nothing out of this transaction, and
34:54
Speaker 1: every quality of life measure, men's quality of life goes up.
34:59
Speaker 1: So what is that mean? That means they get a
35:01
Speaker 1: raise once they're married. That means that means they have
35:05
Speaker 1: sex more than their single counterparts. That means they live longer.
35:08
Speaker 1: For every quality of life measure for women, when you
35:11
Speaker 1: get married, your quality of your life goes down. And
35:15
Speaker 1: that is a scientific fact. So this idea about marriage,
35:20
Speaker 1: it's an institution may buy men for men. Your husband
35:23
Speaker 1: benefits and you don't. So you have to figure out
35:26
Speaker 1: a way to benefit to make marriage benefit you. So
35:31
Speaker 1: what this woman is now seeing is that maybe her
35:33
Speaker 1: marriage doesn't even benefit her but now she's not even
35:36
Speaker 1: getting proper childcare or someone who's in it with her,
35:41
Speaker 1: proper support. So in that so you've got to ask yourself,
35:45
Speaker 1: is this the partner for me? Now? I just want
35:48
Speaker 1: to say, right after you have a baby, you might
35:50
Speaker 1: have a feeling like that, you might be looking at
35:54
Speaker 1: this through horrible glasses. So and so, just you gotta
36:02
Speaker 1: ask yourself. Like I said, I would look at my
36:04
Speaker 1: husband and be like, I want to punch your basin
36:06
Speaker 1: every time I see you. And he was a beautiful
36:10
Speaker 1: support to me and has always been. So we have
36:13
Speaker 1: to ask ourselves to the questions like, maybe there's something
36:18
Speaker 1: inside of me. Maybe I'm not bonding in a way
36:21
Speaker 1: that I want to bond and I'm putting it on
36:23
Speaker 1: and I'm projecting this onto you know what I mean.
36:25
Speaker 1: And what does bonding mean for her for her her partner.
36:30
Speaker 1: I'm curious about what this all means. So I understand, uh,
36:35
Speaker 1: the actual concrete question, but I just have more questions. Right,
36:39
Speaker 1: what about when money becomes a stressor so oftentimes you
36:43
Speaker 1: know the husband will go back to work the um
36:45
Speaker 1: I mean, yes, the woman is still working, but she's
36:47
Speaker 1: on maternity leave or whatever it may be they want
36:49
Speaker 1: to have a date night, they want to create that intimacy.
36:52
Speaker 1: But then all of a sudden, you're having to pay
36:54
Speaker 1: a babysit or twenty dollars an hour so that you
36:56
Speaker 1: can do something. And then all of a sudden becomes
36:58
Speaker 1: this fight that like, is our night out worth a
37:03
Speaker 1: d eighty dollars for childcare and food, you know, whatever
37:06
Speaker 1: it may be, And then it becomes about you end
37:08
Speaker 1: up having a terrible day because you've already had fight
37:11
Speaker 1: leading up to it. Well, what you're describing, the deeper
37:15
Speaker 1: meaning and all of that is that you're mourning your
37:18
Speaker 1: old selves. You're in a bit of a trauma. You're
37:22
Speaker 1: mourning your old spontaneous self, your mourning the life that
37:26
Speaker 1: you once had. Really isn't about the money, really isn't
37:29
Speaker 1: about the babysitter. It's how you feel together. And you're
37:33
Speaker 1: both in mourning, and that's okay. It's not like that's
37:37
Speaker 1: a bad thing. But to be able to recognize that
37:40
Speaker 1: life has changed and it won't ever be the same
37:43
Speaker 1: again is a good Uh. Keeping it one hundred with
37:48
Speaker 1: yourself and keeping it one hundred with your partner and
37:51
Speaker 1: then finding new ways to create spontaneous uh positions to
37:56
Speaker 1: create spontaneous um because it's really about the spot tenaity.
38:00
Speaker 1: You could have date night all day long and it
38:02
Speaker 1: won't matter pst all planned and scheduled. It's really about
38:05
Speaker 1: getting in touch and keeping our creative selves because spontaneity
38:10
Speaker 1: is tapping into our childhoods. So however that money is,
38:15
Speaker 1: if money is tight, there are ways to create spontaneity
38:19
Speaker 1: in your life. There are ways to great intimate moments
38:21
Speaker 1: because if you collect those intimate moments like uh, like
38:26
Speaker 1: what is that called? We call them um marble jar moments? Right,
38:30
Speaker 1: I give you a marvel. I'll give you a marvel.
38:31
Speaker 1: I'll give you a marvel. Intimacy is the very same way.
38:34
Speaker 1: So if we continue to have those intimate connections, those
38:40
Speaker 1: disconnections won't be so significant. Right now, that makes sense?
38:45
Speaker 1: And I mean I think, uh, for me, what shifted
38:49
Speaker 1: was us talking about what we really enjoyed on a
38:52
Speaker 1: date because what would happen and most of the times
38:54
Speaker 1: when we weren't really enjoying our date night was because
38:58
Speaker 1: we were tired. At eight o'clock night, we were exhausted,
39:02
Speaker 1: So I would get that babysitter and at night, and
39:05
Speaker 1: then it was like we were both struggling, and then
39:08
Speaker 1: we weren't getting this night that we're hoping for. So
39:10
Speaker 1: we started shifting it and we said, let's do Saturday
39:12
Speaker 1: morning dates. And it was a total day drinking is
39:19
Speaker 1: and then you're such a good parent afterwards, like you're
39:22
Speaker 1: on You're putting their kids to bed, you have two
39:25
Speaker 1: approall spreads, an amazing brunch, and you have a little
39:29
Speaker 1: day sex, and then you're like at one o'clock you
39:32
Speaker 1: are on for to be the best parent of the year,
39:34
Speaker 1: you know. But Choosuly that was a huge shift for us.
39:39
Speaker 1: We would, you know, do Friday nights or whatever it was.
39:42
Speaker 1: And I just remember I would come to Friday night
39:44
Speaker 1: and I almost get anxiety and I'd be like, oh
39:46
Speaker 1: my god, I have to one try to look good,
39:48
Speaker 1: to try to act like I'm having fun. Three try
39:50
Speaker 1: and it's just too late. I'm tired. Yea, yeah, Well
39:54
Speaker 1: I always tell couples, you know, with this whole date
39:58
Speaker 1: night thing, um have sex befo four. You go out
40:01
Speaker 1: because you're gonna be full, Like you're over forty now
40:04
Speaker 1: you're gonna be full. You ate some cheese, you don't,
40:07
Speaker 1: you know, just you're you're gonna want to go to bed,
40:09
Speaker 1: so have sex before you go out at night. That's
40:12
Speaker 1: a really good tip. And we're more morning sex people anyway,
40:15
Speaker 1: So I get it. I get it. Um. And then
40:19
Speaker 1: speaking of sex, somebody is saying my husband no longer,
40:24
Speaker 1: or I don't want my husband to go down on
40:26
Speaker 1: me anymore because I feel like my body has changed
40:29
Speaker 1: down there. If somebody's feeling like that, well, we're vaginal phobic.
40:36
Speaker 1: We know exactly what the penis does. We know that
40:39
Speaker 1: it comes, we know that appeas we know that it
40:41
Speaker 1: gets hard, we know that it creates babies. We we
40:45
Speaker 1: talk about the dick all day long, but we're scared.
40:50
Speaker 1: We're scared to talk about vaginas. I know women who
40:55
Speaker 1: have never looked at their own vagina. I can't see
40:59
Speaker 1: mine now. So because of this, we're vaginal phobic. We
41:08
Speaker 1: live in a vaginal phobic society. And so this idea
41:12
Speaker 1: that she doesn't want her husband to go down on her,
41:15
Speaker 1: I completely understand because everything around her is sending her
41:19
Speaker 1: that message too. That's just not her and it's gonna
41:23
Speaker 1: take her husband to really help her through that. We
41:26
Speaker 1: help each other, you know, we we we want to
41:29
Speaker 1: believe that we live in the society of like, you know,
41:32
Speaker 1: every man for himself and you have to love yourself
41:34
Speaker 1: and it's about how you feel about you. But guess
41:37
Speaker 1: what people can help you feel love for yourself. People
41:42
Speaker 1: can help you feel that you're vagina is the most
41:45
Speaker 1: beautiful thing to ever exist in the world. And if
41:49
Speaker 1: you're not getting that from your husband, do you say, like, hey,
41:53
Speaker 1: I'm feeling insecure about this, is there a way you
41:55
Speaker 1: can support me? Or how how do you phrase it?
41:57
Speaker 1: Because I know if you know I was feeling that way,
42:00
Speaker 1: I would feel nervous to bring that topic up. So
42:02
Speaker 1: how do you bring it up in a way that
42:05
Speaker 1: you're going to get the result that you want. In
42:07
Speaker 1: situations that have to do with sex, it's always better
42:10
Speaker 1: to be very straightforward. I'm I'm insecure about what my
42:14
Speaker 1: vagina looks like. You need to tell me how beautiful is.
42:18
Speaker 1: Just just lay it out there and then you're gonna
42:20
Speaker 1: put your head down there for thirty five minutes and
42:22
Speaker 1: we're got so funny, okay, So that those are good tips,
42:29
Speaker 1: And then what about different parenting styles than creating issues
42:32
Speaker 1: with it? Because now it's all intertwined. Okay, So my
42:37
Speaker 1: hope is that before you have a child, that you
42:41
Speaker 1: really understand the parenting style of your partner. And how
42:46
Speaker 1: can you understand the parenting style of your partner. You
42:49
Speaker 1: can see how they love you, and once you realize
42:54
Speaker 1: how they're loving you is how they're probably going to
42:57
Speaker 1: love their kids. So I just want to point that
42:59
Speaker 1: out there, that you have some information already about what
43:03
Speaker 1: your partner will But sometimes kids come and our partners
43:08
Speaker 1: surprise us that they're not the parent that we thought
43:11
Speaker 1: that they would be. And by the way, with every kid,
43:15
Speaker 1: that parenting style may shift. So for example, when the
43:19
Speaker 1: kids were younger, I was the the authority in our house.
43:24
Speaker 1: Now that the kids are teenagers, he's more the authority.
43:27
Speaker 1: I'm like, you need to be the bad guy because
43:29
Speaker 1: I don't like this. You're gonna be there. Well, I've
43:32
Speaker 1: even noticed a difference between our you know, my stepdaughter
43:35
Speaker 1: and my daughter and then my son. My husband is
43:38
Speaker 1: way more strict with my son than he is with
43:41
Speaker 1: the girls. And I'm like, what, Like, the girls can
43:45
Speaker 1: do no wrong. He's like, oh yeah, yeah, or ask
43:50
Speaker 1: your mom. You're chocolate for him, and Cruise will do
43:55
Speaker 1: one little thing, Like he'll be like Mama, up up
43:58
Speaker 1: and he's like, you're a big boy, cruise. I'm like,
44:01
Speaker 1: why are you? Yes? I mean while I'm like, okay, baby,
44:05
Speaker 1: believe me. But I just want to say too. I
44:08
Speaker 1: really cannot stand when I hear women say, um, you
44:13
Speaker 1: know he's not a good husband or a good partner,
44:16
Speaker 1: but he's a great dad. No, No, it's all together.
44:20
Speaker 1: The foundation of being a great dad is being a
44:24
Speaker 1: great partner. Because your kids see it. Yes, they know, yes,
44:28
Speaker 1: Like I'm not saying that. Edwin and I have never
44:30
Speaker 1: gotten in a fight in our life, but our kids
44:32
Speaker 1: have never seen a scream at each other, Like there's
44:35
Speaker 1: never been like they have like they have never witnessed it.
44:39
Speaker 1: We were guests of somebody's house one day and the
44:43
Speaker 1: couple got into a fight in another room, and I
44:46
Speaker 1: remember my kids looking at me and just going what
44:49
Speaker 1: is happening? Like it was not just like an argument
44:52
Speaker 1: like hey, we're late, get in the car, you know whatever.
44:54
Speaker 1: It was like a real kind of drag out and
44:56
Speaker 1: they had like fear in their eyes, like what is
45:00
Speaker 1: Can you explain to me? Why are they talking to
45:02
Speaker 1: each other like that? You know, it's just so next level.
45:05
Speaker 1: And I truly think that like if you can figure
45:08
Speaker 1: out ways to communicate with your partner that that you
45:13
Speaker 1: feel comfortable for your kids to see, then like they're
45:16
Speaker 1: gonna feel safer. That's true. And I just want to
45:19
Speaker 1: point up, but point up, point out um that you
45:22
Speaker 1: know you're not always going to get the communication ten
45:26
Speaker 1: Like you're gonna have some squabbles. You may argue in
45:28
Speaker 1: front of your kids, but here's the reality. But if
45:33
Speaker 1: you if you're if you do argue in front of
45:36
Speaker 1: your kids, make sure that they see the resolution and
45:42
Speaker 1: they see love. So they need to see that because
45:44
Speaker 1: you're going to argue, Let's not pretend like, let's not
45:47
Speaker 1: pretend that you're not you're not going to argue in
45:49
Speaker 1: front of your husband, or that you're not going to
45:50
Speaker 1: have because you could have these little snide remarks which
45:52
Speaker 1: are even worse than out you know what I mean,
45:54
Speaker 1: Like at least they're seeing it's calling each other what
45:56
Speaker 1: they think and how they feel. And you know, every
45:59
Speaker 1: household has our own way of dealing with conference. It's
46:02
Speaker 1: there the idea of that however you're going to argue,
46:06
Speaker 1: however you're going to fight. Kids need to see resolution.
46:09
Speaker 1: They need to see what it looks like. What they
46:11
Speaker 1: need to see what an argument really looks like, and
46:14
Speaker 1: what it looks like to make good on that argument,
46:17
Speaker 1: what the conflict resolution looks like. So if you do
46:19
Speaker 1: have an argument or like, for I guess like if
46:22
Speaker 1: you're not having drag outs, or maybe maybe I can
46:25
Speaker 1: nag from time to time. Um, it's that they see
46:30
Speaker 1: you apologize or that they see that you're then being
46:34
Speaker 1: loving afterwards. Well it's you know what you could you
46:36
Speaker 1: could say. Let's say, I mean, are you I don't
46:38
Speaker 1: see you being an egg? But do you see yourself
46:40
Speaker 1: as one? I can I get a little naggy um
46:42
Speaker 1: In regards to timing, I really don't like um tardiness.
46:47
Speaker 1: And my husband is consistently late. Um, So I mean
46:52
Speaker 1: that's these are just the facts of our household. So
46:55
Speaker 1: it has to because like I, I like, I have
46:58
Speaker 1: a thing that works for me, So I don't consistently
47:01
Speaker 1: nag where I just like we get in the car
47:03
Speaker 1: and we'll just we're there, We're all is a family
47:05
Speaker 1: sitting in the car, and then when he comes out,
47:07
Speaker 1: I just don't say anything and then we laugh, or
47:10
Speaker 1: it becomes something like that because when I realized, with
47:14
Speaker 1: ten years under my belt, that when I am consistently
47:18
Speaker 1: like get in the car, we have ten minutes, we
47:20
Speaker 1: have whatever that then we're like at each other in
47:23
Speaker 1: the car. Soon I just sit in the car. But also,
47:25
Speaker 1: this is gonna sound bad. I fib I tell him
47:28
Speaker 1: fifteen minutes earlier than we ever need to be in
47:32
Speaker 1: I put it. I put it in the calendar, like
47:36
Speaker 1: bold face, like put it in the calendar as a
47:38
Speaker 1: calendar invite, what time do we need to be here?
47:41
Speaker 1: Fifteen meanwhile. Then we get there and they're like, oh,
47:47
Speaker 1: you're five minutes early, And he's like, why do you
47:50
Speaker 1: do that? And I'm like, you know what, that's not fibbing.
47:54
Speaker 1: You gotta do what you gotta do. Believe it. I mean,
47:57
Speaker 1: now I've been doing this for five years. You would
48:00
Speaker 1: think he'd be like, I bet she's lying about what
48:02
Speaker 1: time our flight leaves. But he still manages to make
48:07
Speaker 1: his way. But I think that, you know, the long
48:10
Speaker 1: and short of all of this is is like it's communication.
48:13
Speaker 1: We're not perfect, We're all going to make mistakes. But
48:16
Speaker 1: when it comes to intimacy, sex, everything shifting, it's like
48:20
Speaker 1: you have to open up and share with your partner
48:22
Speaker 1: what you need, even even in the nagging. I mean, look,
48:26
Speaker 1: kids will see that, they'll see, but they're probably focused
48:30
Speaker 1: more on your husband's response. They'll probably if he's ignoring that,
48:35
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like there has to make
48:37
Speaker 1: you have to make sure that the communication is interrelational
48:41
Speaker 1: in front of your kids. My husband, I mean, my
48:43
Speaker 1: son always goes when my husband does get in the car,
48:45
Speaker 1: he goes, were trying to look handsome, Dad, were trying
48:51
Speaker 1: to look hands and we're doing your hair? What are
48:53
Speaker 1: you doing? Like every little crowm of detail And I
48:56
Speaker 1: always think it's so cute. Well, he's really asking why
49:00
Speaker 1: we are we waiting? Like what he's asking what you
49:03
Speaker 1: can't do? Which is interesting right, Like he's doing it.
49:06
Speaker 1: So you have to make sure that when you're having
49:08
Speaker 1: conversations with your partner that those conversations are kept one
49:12
Speaker 1: hundred and Look, you can say a lot of mean
49:16
Speaker 1: things to each other. Now I'm not talking about verbal abuse,
49:20
Speaker 1: and I'm not talking about emotional violence. I'm talking about
49:24
Speaker 1: the average run of the mail argument or tip for
49:27
Speaker 1: tad that you're going to get with your your your
49:29
Speaker 1: your husband or significant other. What's important is that kids
49:33
Speaker 1: see the communication number one is happening, that keep people
49:37
Speaker 1: are keeping it, keeping it one hundred and that there's
49:39
Speaker 1: a resolution to that argument. So that's what's most important
49:43
Speaker 1: that they see the resolution. So al right, So in closing,
49:48
Speaker 1: we have to keep it. I like that saying. I'm like,
49:50
Speaker 1: I want to steal it a little bit. We're keeping
49:51
Speaker 1: it a hundred and as if you're about to have
49:55
Speaker 1: a baby, if you're in the same situation as me,
49:57
Speaker 1: let's do a little homework before next week. We're going
50:00
Speaker 1: to talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly
50:04
Speaker 1: of pregnancy and childbirth. Um, what are our needs? Like,
50:10
Speaker 1: I need to do that, Like, I want to write
50:12
Speaker 1: down what my actual needs are because as you said that,
50:15
Speaker 1: did you see my face that like totally went blank.
50:17
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, I have I don't know, I know.
50:20
Speaker 1: And by the way, you don't need to be pregnant
50:23
Speaker 1: to do that, because I'm asking myself, God, what do
50:25
Speaker 1: I need today? What are my needs? So it's okay
50:29
Speaker 1: to ask yourself that question on the regular basis. All right,
50:32
Speaker 1: So that's what we're gonna do it. We're gonna keep
50:33
Speaker 1: it a hundred and we're gonna do that for next week. UM,
50:37
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us. And if you
50:39
Speaker 1: guys want more information on dr V, where can they
50:41
Speaker 1: find you? Uh? Instagram you can find me a doctor,
50:44
Speaker 1: d O C t O R Underscore V Underscore And
50:46
Speaker 1: for Twitter you can find me at dr V Underscore
50:49
Speaker 1: V Underscore tweet perfect. Thank you guys, see you next by.
50:54
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening, subscribe to radio or wherever you listen
50:59
Speaker 1: to podcasts