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The Fifth Hour: Gastronomic Voyeurism · The Ben Maller Show

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Speaker 1: Kaboom if you thought four hours a day 1200 minutes
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Speaker 1: a week was enough think again he's the last remnants
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Speaker 1: of the old republic a sole bastion of fairness he
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Speaker 1: treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
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Speaker 1: rich pill poppers in the penthouse wow the clearinghouse of
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Speaker 1: hot takes break free for something special the fifth hour
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Speaker 1: with ben maller starts right now.
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Speaker 2: In the air everywhere. The Fifth Hour with me, Ben Maller,
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Speaker 2: and you. We are together here on this college football Saturday.
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Speaker 2: You're listening live on tape to the Fifth Hour as
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Speaker 2: it is the fifth day of September. There are just
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Speaker 2: 117 days to go. That's it. And then we move
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Speaker 2: on to 2027, the... Express train. Choo-choo. Not wasting any time.
1:01
Speaker 2: Not wasting any time. You are in safe hands on
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Speaker 2: this podcast, this Saturday special. We've got the Exit Hall
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Speaker 2: of Fame, the Mona Lisa of mutilated spuds, and who
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Speaker 2: knows what else. We begin, though, celebrating the most appropriate
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Speaker 2: holiday for today as so many, as you are listening
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Speaker 2: to this, are tailgating out about enjoying collegiate football. It
1:27
Speaker 2: is National Tailgate Day today. A literal term, which I
1:32
Speaker 2: think we all know, right? There's no one theory on
1:40
Speaker 2: the origin story of tailgating. It obviously involves the automobile,
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Speaker 2: the lowering of the tailgate. In 1869, there's a origin
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Speaker 2: story where fans supposedly gathered around the First college football game,
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Speaker 2: Rutgers and Princeton, although that's not modern tailgating. There's another
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Speaker 2: story involving Yale. Some of the historians saying that the
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Speaker 2: fans at Yale would travel by train to games in
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Speaker 2: the late 1800s, and they brought food and drinks. Because
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Speaker 2: get this, apparently in the 1800s, they had not figured
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Speaker 2: out how to price gouge the people that went to
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Speaker 2: college football games because the concessions were not exactly booming
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Speaker 2: at that time. And then when the modern automobile came
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Speaker 2: around shortly after that and became a thing in the
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Speaker 2: early to mid-20th century, well, that's when it really obviously
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Speaker 2: became the deal that it is today. And the greatest
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Speaker 2: tailgating I've ever been to is either Buffalo, I've got
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Speaker 2: to say probably Kansas City. I've not been to a
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Speaker 2: Packer game. I've heard amazing things about Green Bay and
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Speaker 2: the tailgating there. I was at an Oklahoma Sooners game.
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Speaker 2: That was pretty wild. People were boozing and barbecuing at
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Speaker 2: like 8 in the morning. That was next level. The
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Speaker 2: Bills Mafia, they've got all the table jumping and all that.
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Speaker 2: They didn't have that. When I was at a Bills game,
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Speaker 2: it was before that became a thing. And Kansas City,
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Speaker 2: my guy Bob Fesco, he took me to a Chiefs tailgate,
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Speaker 2: and it was one of the great days I had.
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Speaker 2: They had this symbolic burning of the, they were playing
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Speaker 2: the Broncos, and they had this symbolic burning of the
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Speaker 2: stuffed animal horsey. But I love barbecue, so that was great.
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Speaker 2: I've heard a lot of good things about Ole Miss.
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Speaker 2: The Grove, which is supposedly, they don't tailgate in your
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Speaker 2: usual stereotypical asphalt parking lot. They The fans of the Rebels,
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Speaker 2: the Ole Miss Rebels, they gather beneath trees on campus
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Speaker 2: there at the Grove. Remember, there was that famous incident
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Speaker 2: back in the day. It's also World Beard Day today.
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Speaker 2: World Beard Day, which is something I celebrate when I'm
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Speaker 2: too lazy to shave. Now, World Beard Day moves every
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Speaker 2: year because it falls on the first Saturday of September,
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Speaker 2: which is today, the unofficial holiday, a celebration of beards.
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Speaker 2: And Alexander the Great, you want some fun facts about beards? Yes,
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Speaker 2: you do. I know you do, Fergdog and Alf. I know.
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Speaker 2: And Malapropguy. Alexander the Great reportedly encouraging his soldiers to
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Speaker 2: shave partly because, this is so great, because an enemy
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Speaker 2: could grab a beard during hand-to-hand combat. And so he's like, hey, listen,
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Speaker 2: this is a competitive advantage. It reminds me every once
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Speaker 2: in a while, somebody will come out in the NFL,
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Speaker 2: have really long hair. And this has happened a few times.
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Speaker 2: I've done monologues on it. And then inevitably, it'll be
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Speaker 2: like a running back or something. And the defensive player
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Speaker 2: will just grab the hair and twist it. And they're like,
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Speaker 2: what are we doing? Yeah, how about that? Now, in
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Speaker 2: ancient Egypt, facial hair would signify status. However, some pharaohs
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Speaker 2: famously wore false beards. Even back then, they were con artists. Now,
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Speaker 2: my favorite beard story, which is the most American beard
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Speaker 2: story you could have, goes back to the 1860s. Abraham Lincoln,
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Speaker 2: who kind of became a big deal, he grew out
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Speaker 2: his legendary beard. Every time you see an image of
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Speaker 2: Abraham Lincoln with almost... I can't think of anyone I've
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Speaker 2: seen in years that didn't have the beard. He always
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Speaker 2: has the beard. The legend, and who knows, this could
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Speaker 2: be like George Washington and the cherry tree.
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Speaker 1: Who knows?
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Speaker 2: Who knows? I wasn't alive. You weren't alive then. Abraham
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Speaker 2: Lincoln supposedly grew his famous beard because an 11-year-old girl
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Speaker 2: named Grace Bedell wrote him in the 1860s, essentially saying, hey, dude,
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Speaker 2: you're ugly. And if you grow some whiskers, that would
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Speaker 2: actually improve your appearance. And he did. Now, I wonder,
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Speaker 2: Lincoln kept losing elections. I think it was like eight
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Speaker 2: times before he finally got elected. If he had had
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Speaker 2: the beard earlier, would that have helped him politically? And
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Speaker 2: he was the first U.S. president, Abraham Lincoln, to wear
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Speaker 2: a full beard while in office. Of course, to be fair,
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Speaker 2: there hadn't been that many presidents prior to Lincoln. The
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Speaker 2: ZZ Top, which was big when I was a kid.
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Speaker 2: Billy Gibbons. I mean, that's next level. Dusty Hill, the
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Speaker 2: enormous beards. And my favorite part of that is, and
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Speaker 2: I remember some of my boys pointing out that we
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Speaker 2: thought it was hilarious that the drummer named Frank beard,
6:39
Speaker 2: ironically was the only member without a giant beard in
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Speaker 2: ZZ top. And his name was literally a beard. What
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Speaker 2: are we doing? Uh, they've been crazy. So I, Peter,
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Speaker 2: the great of Russia had a beard tax. Cause why not? Uh,
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Speaker 2: just tax everything, just tax everything. And, Knock yourself out.
7:01
Speaker 2: There's a bunch of other stuff, but that's enough. Now
7:03
Speaker 2: we get to a special feature add-on item. This is
7:08
Speaker 2: not on the main menu. It is an add-on item.
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Speaker 2: It is the Exit Hall of Fame Lane Kiffin Edition
7:15
Speaker 2: Benny's Big Board. So I'd mentioned this during the week,
7:21
Speaker 2: and I really want to dig into it. So I
7:23
Speaker 2: don't do lists. As you know, Terry in England, who's
7:26
Speaker 2: been on the mailbag with me and now does not.
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Speaker 2: listen live, unfortunately, but my man Terry in England. Not
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Speaker 2: a list. Benny's big board, Lane Kiffin's exit Hall of
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Speaker 2: Fame will go from four to one, four to one,
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Speaker 2: grading these on things like humiliation, absolute chaos. That's the
7:46
Speaker 2: key thing here. Absolute chaos, bitterness, and the overall absurdity,
7:53
Speaker 2: which is just a regular day in the world of
7:56
Speaker 2: Lane Kiffin. who is the modern-day carnival barker of our
8:01
Speaker 2: times in football. And I was worried. I remember when
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Speaker 2: some of the bigger names in college football exited. I
8:05
Speaker 2: was like, oh, man, these guys are all kind of boring.
8:08
Speaker 2: And I guess every generation has to have these groups
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Speaker 2: of clowns. And I'm all for it. I'm all for it.
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Speaker 2: And Lane's my age. I think we're about the same age.
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Speaker 2: So I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
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Speaker 2: All right, number four on Benny's big board. Not a list,
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Speaker 2: not a list. Number four, Benny's big board, Lane Kiffin's
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Speaker 2: exit Hall of Fame. Well, we got to go with Tennessee.
8:30
Speaker 2: The great Knoxville escape. We were on the radio at
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Speaker 2: Fox in 2010 documenting, which was after just one season,
8:40
Speaker 2: a 7-6 record for Lane Kiffin. 14 months after he
8:45
Speaker 2: arrived in Tennessee, Lane Kiffin got a phone call from
8:51
Speaker 2: his besties out in California saying, hey, why don't you
8:54
Speaker 2: come back to USC? And he decided, hey, that's my
8:57
Speaker 2: dream job. That's my dream job. So he announced Lane
9:01
Speaker 2: Kiffin that he was leaving Tennessee for USC. The players
9:05
Speaker 2: were up in arms because it was no NIL at
9:08
Speaker 2: that time, and people had gone there and dedicated themselves
9:12
Speaker 2: to Lane Kiffin. So the players were upset. The student
9:15
Speaker 2: body descended at the football complex. There was mass chaos.
9:22
Speaker 2: There were mattresses and sofas being burned on the street.
9:26
Speaker 2: Police became involved. Tennessee officials accused Lane Kiffin's staff of
9:33
Speaker 2: dirty pool, contacting recruits on the way out. And so
9:38
Speaker 2: Lane essentially escaped Knoxville while there was a mob of
9:45
Speaker 2: volunteer nation, and they were holding pitchforks and torches. And
9:52
Speaker 2: the main reason this is only number four is he
9:54
Speaker 2: wasn't fired. right he left like he left and that
9:59
Speaker 2: was mild compared to some of the other things that
10:02
Speaker 2: happened now number three on the big board benny's big
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Speaker 2: board lane kiffin's exit hall of fame number three usc
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Speaker 2: 2013 so He leaves Tennessee, Lane Kiffin, goes to SC.
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Speaker 2: That's his dream job. Way to go. All right. So
10:18
Speaker 2: USC went from the number one team in the preseason
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Speaker 2: that year. And that meant something, I guess, for some people, boosters.
10:26
Speaker 2: So they were the number one team before the 2012 season.
10:31
Speaker 2: And they went seven and six. There seems to be
10:34
Speaker 2: a pattern here. And the heat was on. It continued
10:38
Speaker 2: into 2013. And then... The Sun Devils. Arizona State in Tempe,
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Speaker 2: where all the hot girls are, in Tempe, Arizona. Arizona
10:50
Speaker 2: State beat USC 62-41. SC gave up 62 points. So
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Speaker 2: the Trojans fly back with their tail between their legs
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Speaker 2: to Los Angeles. They land around 3 in the morning
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Speaker 2: at LAX. And who do you think says, wait a minute, timeout.
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Speaker 2: That would be then-athletic director Pat Hayden. who gives Lane
11:12
Speaker 2: Kiffin the tap on the shoulder, summons Lane Kiffin for
11:15
Speaker 2: a meeting near the runway. Lane then argues, like, what
11:21
Speaker 2: are you doing? Give me more time. And Pat Hayden says,
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Speaker 2: Ixnay on the time A, and you're out of here.
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Speaker 2: It was in some room at LAX. So Kiffin didn't
11:34
Speaker 2: even ride the team bus back to the campus, and
11:38
Speaker 2: it became one of the great moments one of the
11:41
Speaker 2: great stories of the last generation in college sports. There's
11:47
Speaker 2: a term called tarmac. Lane Kiffin is responsible and SC
11:52
Speaker 2: really Pat Hayden because of what he did there. The
11:55
Speaker 2: term tarmac, which technically the firing happened in some room
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Speaker 2: at the airport near the runway, rather than literally underneath
12:04
Speaker 2: the wing of the plane. But the, you know, when
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Speaker 2: the legend becomes the fact you go with the legend
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Speaker 2: and it's the, Man that shot Liberty Valance, and this
12:12
Speaker 2: is that. Lane Kiffin went wheels up as USC's coach
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Speaker 2: and landed unemployed. Number two, we got to go way back,
12:20
Speaker 2: almost 20 years ago, 2008. I was doing weekend overnights
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Speaker 2: at Fox Sports Radio, 2008, and the Al Davis public
12:30
Speaker 2: execution for Lane Kiffin. And this is wacky, tabacky. So
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Speaker 2: Al Davis hired, at the time... A 31-year-old Lane Kiffin,
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Speaker 2: the spawn of Monty Kiffin, respected, beloved, defensive guru Monty Kiffin.
12:51
Speaker 2: So Lane Kiffin, at age 31, gets an NFL head
12:54
Speaker 2: coaching job, despite Kiffin had never been a head coach.
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Speaker 2: And after 20 games, Lane Kiffin coached a team like
13:03
Speaker 2: he had never coached before. Five and 15 games. Everything
13:08
Speaker 2: became toxic. Lane became radioactive with Al Davis, and then
13:14
Speaker 2: Al Davis did one of the great things possible. He
13:17
Speaker 2: fired Lane Kiffin over the telephone. However, that's just the
13:21
Speaker 2: beginning of the story. That's not enough. Al called a
13:25
Speaker 2: news conference and he brought in props like Carrot Top.
13:32
Speaker 2: He brought in the overhead projector wearing the signature al
13:37
Speaker 2: davis white jumpsuit he had the overhead projector and for
13:41
Speaker 2: as i remember and it might have been a little
13:44
Speaker 2: less than this it was about 10 hours it might
13:46
Speaker 2: have been only an hour al davis publicly made his
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Speaker 2: case he prosecuted his case against lane kiffin he among
13:58
Speaker 2: other things and i went back and i checked my
13:59
Speaker 2: notes he said al davis that lane kiffin conned him
14:04
Speaker 2: was a flat-out liar and a professional liar, and he
14:09
Speaker 2: argued that Kiffin disgraced the Raiders organization. So the Raiders
14:14
Speaker 2: fired Kiffin for cause, meaning they didn't have to pay
14:18
Speaker 2: the remainder of his contract. Kiffin, of course, lawyered up,
14:21
Speaker 2: and an arbitrator eventually sided with the Oakland Raiders. So
14:25
Speaker 2: Lane Kiffin lost a ton of money. And it's so
14:28
Speaker 2: funny looking back on it, and Al Davis talking about
14:31
Speaker 2: how Lane Kiffin had disgraced the Raiders organization. If only
14:35
Speaker 2: Al knew what his son was going to do when
14:37
Speaker 2: Al crossed over the pearly gates, my God. So that
14:40
Speaker 2: was number two. And number one on the Lane Kiffin,
14:46
Speaker 2: Lane Kiffin exit hall of fame, not a list. Benny's
14:49
Speaker 2: big board, not a list. We don't do lists. So
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Speaker 2: number one, Ole Miss just this past year, tarmac 2.0,
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Speaker 2: the Oxford hostage crisis. Now, the reason this one is
15:03
Speaker 2: at the very top is because unlike the other gigs
15:07
Speaker 2: where he was mediocre at Tennessee, didn't do a good
15:09
Speaker 2: job at SC, stunk with the Raiders, he actually found success,
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Speaker 2: Lane Kiffin, in Oxford, Mississippi. And this makes it extra special.
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Speaker 2: Old Miss was 11-1.
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Speaker 1: They were a.
15:22
Speaker 2: Top-10 team in college football. They were headed towards the
15:26
Speaker 2: college football playoff, and that had the perfect mix of
15:30
Speaker 2: ingredients for for this amazing situation. So you'd think, hey,
15:35
Speaker 2: everyone would be happy, Lane would be happy, and the
15:40
Speaker 2: fan base, the boosters would be happy. Well, no, nothing's
15:43
Speaker 2: that easy with Lane. So it turned out LSU wanted
15:47
Speaker 2: Lane Kiffin, and they would offer him whatever he wanted.
15:51
Speaker 2: Florida had also been interested. Ole Miss is like, well,
15:55
Speaker 2: we don't want you to leave, Lane. We kind of
15:56
Speaker 2: like you. You're doing a good job, and you fit
15:59
Speaker 2: into what we're doing, so we want to keep you.
16:01
Speaker 2: And so it was all this speculation for weeks and
16:03
Speaker 2: weeks and weeks that played out. And then it came
16:07
Speaker 2: down to decision day. And so Lane Kiffin, would he stay?
16:10
Speaker 2: Would he go? Turns out he decided, of course, I'm
16:14
Speaker 2: a carpetbagger and I'm out of here. So he took
16:17
Speaker 2: off for Louisiana. And that's where things got just. insane
16:23
Speaker 2: to the membrane. So Lane wanted to take the LSU job. However,
16:28
Speaker 2: he figured, well, we're 11-1. Why don't I just finish
16:31
Speaker 2: out the year here at Ole Miss, and that'll be that. Well,
16:35
Speaker 2: Ole Miss said, well, that seems like a really bad idea.
16:38
Speaker 2: That seems like a bad idea. I think we're going
16:39
Speaker 2: to go no on that. So Kiffin, using his buddies
16:43
Speaker 2: in the media, his usefulness in the media, he's campaigning
16:47
Speaker 2: using buddies in the media, surrogates in the media. And
16:50
Speaker 2: so then he said, well, if they don't let me coach,
16:52
Speaker 2: I'm going to take the coaches with me to Ole Miss.
16:55
Speaker 2: I won't allow them to finish the season. And Ole
16:59
Speaker 2: Miss promoted Pete Golding and then said, okay, well, we're
17:03
Speaker 2: going to just not have Lane Kiffin. And then that
17:06
Speaker 2: led to the grand finale, the finale. Another airport. Again,
17:13
Speaker 2: Ole Miss fans, a mob of them, descended on the
17:18
Speaker 2: small airport in Oxford, Mississippi. Lane Kiffin's departing assistants getting booed.
17:25
Speaker 2: The families getting booed. Police began turning away fans because
17:30
Speaker 2: the parking lots were full. Not a lot going on
17:34
Speaker 2: in Oxford, Mississippi. Kiffin arrives through the auxiliary entrance. The
17:39
Speaker 2: emergency personnel helping keep fans away. A state trooper escorts
17:46
Speaker 2: the vehicle down the runway. Lane gets out. And boo,
17:49
Speaker 2: boo that man.
17:50
Speaker 1: Boo.
17:51
Speaker 2: Obscenities, middle fingers. You know the drill. Little girls, cute
17:55
Speaker 2: little girls cursing, as Lane would call them, the hotties.
18:00
Speaker 2: And angry Rebel fans going over the top. It was
18:06
Speaker 2: so crazy. And what a send-off. Like the last plane
18:11
Speaker 2: out of a war zone. And then hours later, Lane
18:15
Speaker 2: Kiffin arrived in Louisiana and he was God's gift to football.
18:20
Speaker 2: The LSU fans loved him. He went from villain to
18:24
Speaker 2: conquering hero in the length of a flight from Oxford,
18:27
Speaker 2: Mississippi to Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Just like that. And so
18:35
Speaker 2: what an amazing run and You got to think that
18:40
Speaker 2: he's not going to last at LSU. He doesn't last anywhere.
18:43
Speaker 2: And he'll just move on. He'll go back to the
18:45
Speaker 2: NFL and say, I wanted to see if I could
18:48
Speaker 2: figure the NFL out. And that bad taste of Al
18:52
Speaker 2: Davis's overhead projector, prosecution, how dare you? It's amazing. Like,
18:59
Speaker 2: you'd think one of these things would be enough. Like,
19:03
Speaker 2: most people have, if you're a coach, you have one
19:05
Speaker 2: really nasty breakup. And you got to be good to
19:07
Speaker 2: have a breakup. Lane Kiffin has created a four-part Netflix
19:12
Speaker 2: docuseries called How to Lose a Football Job and Alienate
19:16
Speaker 2: People at the same time. All right, now to the
19:21
Speaker 2: Mona Lisa of mutilated spuds. I have leftovers. I have
19:27
Speaker 2: Vegas leftovers. Now, not actual leftovers. Those would not have
19:32
Speaker 2: survived in the Mallarmobile. I'm talking about More leftover tales
19:37
Speaker 2: from the naked city where the names are often omitted
19:41
Speaker 2: to protect the guilty. The naked city. They say it
19:45
Speaker 2: never sleeps. I say it never stops eating the things
19:49
Speaker 2: I have. for you do not make any kind of
19:52
Speaker 2: official itinerary. These are the little moments where you stop
19:56
Speaker 2: and say, what exactly is happening here? And we begin
20:02
Speaker 2: with steak. It's just a piece of steak. Now, I have...
20:08
Speaker 2: said from the bully pulpit for years that I am
20:11
Speaker 2: not a steakhouse guy. Never have been. It's not my jam.
20:16
Speaker 2: And there's a very simple reason for this. I am
20:19
Speaker 2: part of the silent group of highly educated people who
20:27
Speaker 2: eat their meat well done.
20:30
Speaker 1: I know. I know.
20:32
Speaker 2: I know. I know. You might be giving me that
20:36
Speaker 2: metaphorical death stare as you listen. Oh, I used to
20:41
Speaker 2: like your mallard, and then you told me about that.
20:45
Speaker 2: I can't listen. Let me tell you something. You snake snobs,
20:49
Speaker 2: you can clutch your pearls. You can scream at the computer,
20:53
Speaker 2: your phone, whatever. Well done, you animal. Yes, well done.
21:00
Speaker 2: Well done. My people... are legends like Al Michaels, No
21:06
Speaker 2: Vegetables Well Done, the great Rob Parker, Puka Nakua of
21:10
Speaker 2: the Rams, Kenny Albert, the great broadcaster, Kenny Albert, burn, baby, burn,
21:16
Speaker 2: and butterfly cut before you burn it. I want that
21:21
Speaker 2: cow to have no chance, no chance of being resuscitated.
21:27
Speaker 2: I don't want the veterinarian to go into the room
21:30
Speaker 2: and say, okay, let me go over to the table.
21:32
Speaker 2: You know what? Why don't I take that plate back?
21:34
Speaker 2: Give me about 20 minutes and I can save the cow.
21:38
Speaker 2: I see enough blood there. No, cook it. This creates
21:43
Speaker 2: a problem. When you go to a high-end steakhouse, it
21:47
Speaker 2: just does. Because when you order a ribeye and you say,
21:51
Speaker 2: what would you like? Remember Jim Nance, the famous story
21:53
Speaker 2: of Jim Nance? He said, how do you like your toast?
21:55
Speaker 2: And he had a photo of burned toast. So if
21:58
Speaker 2: I went in there and said, listen, How do I
22:00
Speaker 2: want my ribeye? And the guy says, how do you
22:02
Speaker 2: want your ribeye? I said, well, let me go out,
22:04
Speaker 2: and I'll show you my car, and I want to
22:06
Speaker 2: show you the tires of my car. That's what I
22:07
Speaker 2: want it to look like. So you do that, and
22:10
Speaker 2: the waiter looks at you like you just asked him
22:12
Speaker 2: to urinate on the American flag. There's no way, right?
22:16
Speaker 2: Unless you're like Colin Kaepernick or something like that. But
22:19
Speaker 2: there's a pause, right? A judgmental pause. Wait, sir, well done. Yeah, yeah,
22:26
Speaker 2: I like my... I like my steak well done. Sir,
22:29
Speaker 2: are you sure you want the steak well done? And
22:32
Speaker 2: I'm like, well, did I stutter? No, I didn't stutter.
22:35
Speaker 2: That's what I want. And somewhere in the kitchen, the
22:39
Speaker 2: chef is putting my photograph on a dartboard and crossing
22:45
Speaker 2: my photograph with a red X. And so steakhouses have
22:50
Speaker 2: never been my thing. But the last time we were
22:53
Speaker 2: in Vegas... We ended up at this place called Herbs
22:56
Speaker 2: and Rye as part of a social gathering. Now, it's
22:59
Speaker 2: off the strip. They have terrific happy hour deals, and
23:04
Speaker 2: you can get a really nice steak without having to
23:06
Speaker 2: surrender your 401k, your firstborn child, and the naming rights
23:11
Speaker 2: to your dog. So it's a good place. I enjoyed it.
23:15
Speaker 2: It's affordable by Vegas standards. It's affordable. So the plan
23:21
Speaker 2: this time was to simply go back, And then the
23:24
Speaker 2: radio studio situation fell apart, as we've talked about. And
23:28
Speaker 2: this is where we introduce my friend Bob Ross, PBS
23:33
Speaker 2: legend Bob Ross, because the studio snafu became a happy
23:37
Speaker 2: little accident. No radio studio available for me to broadcast
23:42
Speaker 2: from on Thursday into Friday meant that I suddenly had
23:45
Speaker 2: an extra night in Las Vegas. Normally, that would be bad.
23:49
Speaker 2: That would be bad. Vegas has a way of turning
23:53
Speaker 2: unexpected free time into a police report. If you've ever
23:56
Speaker 2: seen The Hangover, you know how that works. But my
24:00
Speaker 2: guy Slug, who has been a loyal member of the
24:02
Speaker 2: Malheur Militia and a friend of the show for many,
24:04
Speaker 2: many years, the man who helps put together these Malheur
24:07
Speaker 2: meet and greets in Vegas... So my guy Slug has
24:09
Speaker 2: been telling me for years that I needed to visit
24:13
Speaker 2: his restaurant. Now, I'm not going to name the restaurant,
24:16
Speaker 2: you know, Tales from the Naked City. I'm not going
24:18
Speaker 2: to even name the hotel the restaurant is at. We'll
24:20
Speaker 2: just call it Slug's Secret Steak Emporium. Now, Slug would say,
24:26
Speaker 2: you got to come in, Maller. The food's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:31
Speaker 2: I'm sure it's amazing. Everybody says their restaurant is amazing.
24:35
Speaker 2: Everybody says that. Nobody ever says, come on in here.
24:38
Speaker 2: We're serving dog food. It's a great restaurant, though. You'll
24:41
Speaker 2: love the dog food, right? Never say the food is
24:44
Speaker 2: mediocre and our mashed potatoes taste like drywall. Like the
24:52
Speaker 2: famous story, which I think we talked about, I'll have
24:55
Speaker 2: to check with my guy, Nico, in Vancouver to see.
24:58
Speaker 2: I think we talked about this a while back on
25:01
Speaker 2: the mashed potatoes at KFC, the one food dish that
25:05
Speaker 2: Colonel Sanders, the guy behind Colonel Sanders, KFC, hated was
25:11
Speaker 2: the mashed potatoes. Anyway, so I figured Slug was doing
25:16
Speaker 2: what everyone does. He was embellishing, yada, yada, yada. Sure, Slug, yeah.
25:22
Speaker 2: He had mentioned that some big-name NFL executives and Hollywood
25:26
Speaker 2: stars were regular customers at his restaurant. And I'm like, okay, sure, please.
25:32
Speaker 2: How good could a steakhouse be at a hotel on
25:36
Speaker 2: the Strip in Vegas? When I think of a steakhouse,
25:39
Speaker 2: I think of a standalone location with valet parking and
25:45
Speaker 2: all these things. Well, I do owe Slug a rare
25:51
Speaker 2: and appropriate, rare and appropriate apology because the man rolled
25:56
Speaker 2: out the red carpet, VIP treatment. The wife and I
26:01
Speaker 2: went on an actual fancy steak date, so I got
26:03
Speaker 2: some bonus points. And this obviously was not my natural habitat.
26:11
Speaker 2: I had to wear nice clothes, somewhat nice clothes. I
26:14
Speaker 2: am much more comfortable eating something out of a paper
26:17
Speaker 2: bag with a plastic spork from KFC while sitting in
26:22
Speaker 2: my car. This is different. You're sitting there, you've got
26:25
Speaker 2: a nice leather booth, dimmed steakhouse mood lighting, just a
26:30
Speaker 2: really beautiful room, and I'm really not someone that cares
26:34
Speaker 2: too much about the ambience, but this was great. I
26:36
Speaker 2: don't care about... My wife hates going to Walmart because
26:38
Speaker 2: of the lighting. She complains. I'm like, I don't care.
26:40
Speaker 2: They give me a better deal. I'll go anywhere for
26:42
Speaker 2: a better deal. First-class service. Now, the waiter was not slugged.
26:48
Speaker 2: The guy was amazing. The guy was outstanding. He was tremendous. Now,
26:52
Speaker 2: this wasn't some run-of-the-mill restaurant where the ketchup bottle makes
26:57
Speaker 2: a farting noise when you squeeze it. You know what
26:59
Speaker 2: I'm talking about? Yeah, this was not it. This was class.
27:04
Speaker 2: And so we looked at the menu. We analyzed it
27:07
Speaker 2: like we were looking at what plays the call in
27:09
Speaker 2: the Super Bowl. We ordered. Obviously, there was some steak.
27:13
Speaker 2: There was a lot of bread. There were side dishes
27:16
Speaker 2: up to the moon, more side dishes. At some point,
27:20
Speaker 2: I believe we ordered part of the furniture. I blame
27:23
Speaker 2: my wife for that. I did not do that. And
27:25
Speaker 2: then the mashed potatoes arrived. Now, mashed potatoes are normally
27:31
Speaker 2: an afterthought. Nobody plans their evening around mashed potatoes. I've
27:38
Speaker 2: yet to meet someone who proposes marriage to mashed potatoes.
27:43
Speaker 2: Nobody wakes up at 3.30 in the morning screaming, my God,
27:47
Speaker 2: those potatoes were orgasmic. They're mashed potatoes. They're the bass
27:53
Speaker 2: player of the steakhouse. They're there. They're important, as important
27:59
Speaker 2: as something like that could be. However, nobody bought the
28:04
Speaker 2: concert ticket to see the bass player, except these potatoes.
28:10
Speaker 2: And I don't want to oversell it. These potatoes were different.
28:14
Speaker 2: This was the Mona Lisa of mutilated spots. Smooth, creamy, exquisite.
28:23
Speaker 2: It was potato candy. I was like, I was like,
28:27
Speaker 2: this is really mashed potatoes. This must be something else.
28:30
Speaker 2: I took one bite and I looked at my wife.
28:32
Speaker 2: I was like, well, am I sure about this? And
28:33
Speaker 2: I took another bite and I said, oh my God,
28:35
Speaker 2: what the hell is going on? How did they make
28:40
Speaker 2: the mashed potatoes? Did these potatoes attend culinary finishing school
28:45
Speaker 2: somewhere in the mountains in Switzerland, the Alps? Were they
28:49
Speaker 2: massaged before being mashed? Were these potatoes raised and... a
28:55
Speaker 2: loving two-parent potato household, because these were not normal potatoes.
29:01
Speaker 2: I wanted to interview the potato. I wanted to interview
29:04
Speaker 2: the potato maker, the sous chef who made the potatoes.
29:08
Speaker 2: And I wanted to talk to the potato and say, listen,
29:10
Speaker 2: when did you realize you were destined for greatness? This
29:13
Speaker 2: is the Tom Brady, the Michael Jordan, the Babe Ruth
29:18
Speaker 2: of the potato. Now, don't get me wrong. The steak
29:21
Speaker 2: was great. The bread was outstanding. Some of the greatest
29:24
Speaker 2: sourdough bread I've ever had. I think it was sourdough bread.
29:27
Speaker 2: Everything was wonderful. However, these mashed potatoes, these mashed potatoes
29:32
Speaker 2: were Mozart. The potatoes were secretariat at the Belmont. It
29:38
Speaker 2: was the Sistine Chapel restaurant. if Michelangelo had worked in Idaho.
29:43
Speaker 2: It was like spuds in Idaho. And we ate, we ate,
29:47
Speaker 2: we ate, until eventually it happens. We were stuffed to
29:51
Speaker 2: the gills. I was sitting there in that leather-bound booth...
29:57
Speaker 2: looking like I was about to apply for a job
30:00
Speaker 2: at Blimpy's. You feel me? Yeah. It's back to my
30:04
Speaker 2: old ways. My stomach had filled so much, I had
30:08
Speaker 2: to file a cease and desist order. All right? My
30:12
Speaker 2: stomach had to. And here's the embarrassing part. We didn't
30:16
Speaker 2: even make it to dessert. We're talking about a high-end restaurant,
30:20
Speaker 2: rare meal like this. I don't usually eat at these places.
30:24
Speaker 2: Special meal, rare night out. And my lard ass filled
30:29
Speaker 2: up before dessert. I shamed my previous self. I let
30:36
Speaker 2: down fatty from back in the day. This is amateur hour.
30:40
Speaker 2: It's kind of like going to Disneyland and getting tired
30:42
Speaker 2: in the parking lot. Like, what are you doing? You know,
30:45
Speaker 2: you just walk over to the tram and you got tired.
30:47
Speaker 2: So I had failed. However, on the official Malheur scale
30:51
Speaker 2: of culinary arts, from 1 to 10, Slug's secret restaurant receives,
30:56
Speaker 2: and I'm not going to go crazy here, a 99.
31:01
Speaker 2: That's the good news. The bad news is, yet again,
31:05
Speaker 2: I believe Slug has ruined steak for me and the wife.
31:09
Speaker 2: So think of it like a blessing and a curse,
31:12
Speaker 2: a double-edged steak knife. Because the next night, we went back,
31:17
Speaker 2: not realizing that our love of steak had been sullied
31:21
Speaker 2: because we went to the greatest steakhouse we'd ever been to.
31:24
Speaker 2: So we went back to this place called Herbs and Rye. Now,
31:27
Speaker 2: Herbs and Rye was good, perfectly good. But now we
31:33
Speaker 2: had seen the mountain. When you see the mountain, you
31:36
Speaker 2: can't go back. It's like flying first class and then
31:39
Speaker 2: getting assigned seat 47B, Back of the plane, you're near
31:45
Speaker 2: the bathroom, you can smell the poo, and you're sitting
31:49
Speaker 2: in between two fat guys who hadn't showered since the
31:52
Speaker 2: Clinton administration when Bill was chasing Monica Lewinsky around the
31:56
Speaker 2: White House to get the tongue bath. It's just, you're ruined.
32:00
Speaker 2: So we arrived Friday night without reservations to this steakhouse,
32:06
Speaker 2: which was a brilliant tactical maneuver unless it was not.
32:11
Speaker 2: Friday night, Las Vegas, popular restaurant, no reservation. What could
32:18
Speaker 2: possibly go wrong? Well, two hours of sitting in the car, waiting.
32:27
Speaker 2: Our name was on the list. You're seventh on the list.
32:31
Speaker 2: You're sixth on the list. You're fifth on the list.
32:34
Speaker 2: If people don't show up to the reservation, we'll move
32:36
Speaker 2: you up. So we're sitting there in the parking lot.
32:40
Speaker 2: I'd have the car on because it was still like
32:41
Speaker 2: 100 degrees. I'm playing enough solitaire at this point on
32:44
Speaker 2: my phone where I briefly considered joining the professional solitaire circuit,
32:49
Speaker 2: if there's a way to do that. Eventually, we finally
32:52
Speaker 2: got the message. You are now allowed to enter. Again,
32:59
Speaker 2: so we went back. I had been to this place before.
33:00
Speaker 2: Nice room, good lighting, everything pretty much as I remembered it.
33:06
Speaker 2: And we sat down, and to our left are two tables.
33:10
Speaker 2: At one table, there's another couple sitting. enjoying a nice
33:13
Speaker 2: steak dinner, right there, at the middle table. So we're
33:18
Speaker 2: on one side. On the other side of the room,
33:20
Speaker 2: there's the couple having their steak. And in the middle table,
33:24
Speaker 2: there's a pretty attractive young woman. I don't know how
33:28
Speaker 2: old she was. I imagine she's probably in her late 20s,
33:30
Speaker 2: early 30s. And she's sitting there completely alone. And she
33:35
Speaker 2: had a big old steak, like a porterhouse steak there.
33:38
Speaker 2: Had a glass of what appeared to be wine. She
33:41
Speaker 2: had some side dishes, and then in front of her,
33:44
Speaker 2: she was by herself, there was a phone mounted on
33:47
Speaker 2: a little stand. And she's talking on the phone, or
33:51
Speaker 2: she's talking to the phone, she's not checking, she's not
33:55
Speaker 2: checking the phone, she's not texting, she's not having a,
34:01
Speaker 2: some kind of, she's not taking a picture of the
34:02
Speaker 2: steak or anything like that, she's just kind of like,
34:04
Speaker 2: it's weird, I've never seen this before. She's having dinner
34:10
Speaker 2: with her iPhone on, And she's talking to the phone.
34:14
Speaker 2: There's a full conversation. I'm watching this and I'm thinking,
34:16
Speaker 2: have I entered into another dimension of the Twilight Zone?
34:20
Speaker 2: Because I have seen a lot of bizarre activity at
34:26
Speaker 2: restaurants as I've lived a good amount of my life.
34:29
Speaker 2: And I've seen a lot of things. I've seen people
34:31
Speaker 2: clip their fingernails, pick boogers. I've seen screaming children, a
34:36
Speaker 2: lot of those rugrats at restaurants. I've seen old people
34:39
Speaker 2: fighting with other old people, young people fighting with other
34:42
Speaker 2: young people. I've seen people send food back because apparently
34:45
Speaker 2: the parsley offended them. And eating three quarters of their
34:50
Speaker 2: meal saying, I didn't like this meal. I'm not going
34:52
Speaker 2: to pay for it. Well, you just ate three quarters
34:53
Speaker 2: of it. I don't care. I'm not paying for it.
34:55
Speaker 2: I've never seen this. So again, an attractive woman, all
34:59
Speaker 2: dolled up. She had a nice little sexy outfit on.
35:02
Speaker 2: And she's having an intimate steak dinner. She got all
35:05
Speaker 2: dressed up to have a nice steak dinner with her iPhone.
35:08
Speaker 2: And apparently this is a thing. So I started futzing
35:12
Speaker 2: around doing some keyboard research and all that. And I
35:16
Speaker 2: was like, whoa, like things that make you go, huh?
35:20
Speaker 2: Like this, I was like, is it a virtual date?
35:26
Speaker 2: It could have been on live stream. It could have been,
35:29
Speaker 2: there's a term I looked up called mukbang. That is
35:33
Speaker 2: from our friends in South Korea, mukbang. That is the
35:38
Speaker 2: phenomena that apparently took off, I guess, about 20 years ago,
35:41
Speaker 2: according to what I found on the internet, where people
35:42
Speaker 2: broadcast themselves eating while interacting with viewers, sometimes receiving virtual
35:49
Speaker 2: gifts or donations. So is this like panhandling for biscuits?
35:54
Speaker 2: Is that what that is? So I found out there's
35:57
Speaker 2: a phrase other than mukbang, which I'm going to use,
36:00
Speaker 2: and it's floating around the... dark web for the broader
36:05
Speaker 2: fascination with watching other people eat. It's called gastronomic voyeurism.
36:11
Speaker 2: What in the world? Gastronomic voyeurism. Now that is a phrase.
36:18
Speaker 2: Gastronomic voyeurism. It sounds like something you would make up
36:26
Speaker 2: for a comic book or something. It wouldn't be real.
36:30
Speaker 2: And it's like something you should have to disclose, I guess,
36:32
Speaker 2: if you're applying for a loan for your mortgage or something.
36:36
Speaker 2: What are your hobbies? Well, I imagine that on like
36:39
Speaker 2: a dating site. Well, I enjoy hiking, reading and gastronomic voyeurism. Yeah. OK.
36:46
Speaker 2: Call security. However, apparently some of you people enjoy watching
36:52
Speaker 2: other people eat, and it's very odd. I don't get it.
36:58
Speaker 2: People watching people play video games used to be a
37:00
Speaker 2: big thing. I guess it still is. That doesn't make
37:03
Speaker 2: a lot of sense to me. I'm just not wired
37:08
Speaker 2: that way. Hey, knock yourself out. So I had many
37:13
Speaker 2: questions as we were sitting down getting ready to get
37:17
Speaker 2: our food, like, Is there a minimum wage on this? Like,
37:22
Speaker 2: how much would that be? Is there one person watching?
37:26
Speaker 2: Are 500 people watching? Is somebody in Cleveland sending her
37:32
Speaker 2: $ 20 because she ate a baked potato in a sultry,
37:37
Speaker 2: sexy way? Does the restaurant know about this? Do you
37:39
Speaker 2: have to get permission? You're broadcasting from the restaurant. Do
37:43
Speaker 2: you have to get permission? Is there a SAG card
37:47
Speaker 2: that you have to get for this? Do you have
37:49
Speaker 2: to have an agent? Can you imagine if you have
37:51
Speaker 2: to have an agent? How freaking nuts would that be?
37:55
Speaker 2: And your agent calls you. Well, listen, sweetheart, I can
37:57
Speaker 2: get you a table of Applebee's on Tuesday, Whataburger on Thursday,
38:02
Speaker 2: but I talked to the people over at Ruth's Chris. Yeah,
38:05
Speaker 2: Ruth's Chris, the famous steakhouse.
38:06
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
38:07
Speaker 2: They say they will get you a table, but they
38:09
Speaker 2: want exclusivity. They want you to be loyal to them.
38:13
Speaker 2: They don't want you going to Whataburger, Applebee's, or Wienerschnitzel.
38:17
Speaker 2: They don't want you going to Culver's. You're not allowed
38:19
Speaker 2: to go to Culver's. You could only go to Ruth's Chris. Well,
38:22
Speaker 2: what if I want to go to Bojangles? You can't
38:23
Speaker 2: go to Bojangles. Only Ruth's Chris. Okay. And the other
38:27
Speaker 2: thing I was thinking was like, this has to only
38:29
Speaker 2: work for chicks, right? This can't work for men. Like, right?
38:35
Speaker 2: I couldn't do this. I mean, I could do it.
38:38
Speaker 2: Imagine me getting my phone and putting a stand there
38:41
Speaker 2: and I'd buy a stand on Amazon and having people
38:45
Speaker 2: pay money to watch a six-foot-something bald dude, middle-aged or
38:51
Speaker 2: older now, inhale chicken fingers. Methinks not so much. Now,
38:57
Speaker 2: I suspect the market has spoken. Nobody is going to
38:59
Speaker 2: send virtual roses to me because I successfully finished the breadbasket.
39:06
Speaker 2: And anyway, I'm an introvert. I could do the camera
39:08
Speaker 2: thing because you're not actually physically there. Now, normally, I
39:11
Speaker 2: have absolutely no interest in talking to strangers in social situations.
39:18
Speaker 2: I just don't. You could sit next to me for
39:21
Speaker 2: six hours on a Delta flight from God only knows where,
39:27
Speaker 2: and I will happily pretend... that you do not exist
39:33
Speaker 2: however this woman for some reason I wanted answers I
39:37
Speaker 2: wanted to walk over and say excuse me ma'am what
39:44
Speaker 2: the hell are you doing now my wife sensed this
39:50
Speaker 2: as you know if you're married or if you're a
39:52
Speaker 2: wife or a future wife or a former wife, wives
39:55
Speaker 2: have radar. She looked at me and immediately gave me
40:00
Speaker 2: the universal married person wife signal, like a bat signal.
40:05
Speaker 2: She gave me the look. Not a finger. She didn't
40:09
Speaker 2: point the finger. She gave me the look. The look.
40:13
Speaker 2: Every husband knows the look. It says, don't you dare.
40:20
Speaker 2: And often it's just shortened to don't. There are no
40:23
Speaker 2: words necessary other than just don't. The I's say knock
40:28
Speaker 2: it off. Do not turn this into an awkward situation.
40:33
Speaker 2: It's already an awkward situation. Just don't make it any
40:36
Speaker 2: more awkward. So I obeyed against every journalistic instinct in
40:43
Speaker 2: my body. Not that I'm really a journalist. I let
40:46
Speaker 2: sleeping dogs lie. Or in this case, I let a
40:49
Speaker 2: 20-something woman continue to have a cyber steak date with
40:54
Speaker 2: her phone. And that is apparently the zeitgeist of where
40:59
Speaker 2: we are right now. That's the spot we're in. Forget
41:02
Speaker 2: dinner for two. Can I have dinner for one plus
41:07
Speaker 2: 3,700 anonymous people and bots on the Internet? Well, anyway,
41:14
Speaker 2: that was that. Then came our final meal. The following
41:19
Speaker 2: day after the meet and greet, a nice Italian meal.
41:23
Speaker 2: And this place is not just an Italian restaurant. It's
41:26
Speaker 2: open until 1 in the morning. That is my kind
41:30
Speaker 2: of restaurant. You can get chicken parm, chicken parmigiana, as
41:35
Speaker 2: Marcel in Brooklyn would say, at midnight. That is civilization.
41:39
Speaker 2: We stopped at this place called Bootleggers. Called Bootleggers. If
41:44
Speaker 2: you've ever been there, it's good. And they got a bar,
41:46
Speaker 2: a nice little bar. It's a giant restaurant. They host
41:49
Speaker 2: a lot of weddings and things like that. It's on
41:51
Speaker 2: our way out of Vegas, heading back towards LA. It's
41:53
Speaker 2: on Las Vegas Boulevard, but not the part of the
41:55
Speaker 2: strip where it's all built up. And eventually there'll be
41:59
Speaker 2: hotels down there and all that. And so, fine. I
42:02
Speaker 2: ordered my chicken parm, got my side of fettuccine Alfredo,
42:04
Speaker 2: a little garlic bread, had my water. Nothing complicated. Standard
42:09
Speaker 2: order for me in an Italian restaurant. I was physically
42:11
Speaker 2: drained because this was hours after being talked out and
42:19
Speaker 2: way too much socializing at the Mallard meet and greet.
42:21
Speaker 2: So there really wasn't much conversation with my wife. There
42:25
Speaker 2: was a lot of looking at our phones and just
42:27
Speaker 2: kind of mumbling and just me, the wife and my
42:30
Speaker 2: chicken parm and fettuccine. It was peaceful. It was beautiful.
42:34
Speaker 2: I enjoyed the garlic bread. I had five bites of
42:37
Speaker 2: the chicken parm. I had two bites of the fettuccine Alfredo.
42:41
Speaker 2: I then took a drink of water. And I was
42:44
Speaker 2: a little tired. I was in the weird spot. And
42:48
Speaker 2: the glass slipped slightly, just slightly out of my hands.
42:53
Speaker 2: And it hit the table, my glass of water. And
42:57
Speaker 2: as the late, great Al McCoy, at least late from
43:00
Speaker 2: the Voice of the Suns and whatnot, as Al McCoy,
43:03
Speaker 2: the old Suns broadcaster, used to say on those radio broadcasts, Wham! Bam! Slam! Kaboom! Kerflooey!
43:13
Speaker 2: The glass exploded. It didn't just crack. Not a chip
43:19
Speaker 2: or two. It exploded. Exploded hundreds, if not thousands of
43:26
Speaker 2: pieces all over my side of the table, covering my
43:31
Speaker 2: chicken parm, right? Covering my chicken parm, the whole thing.
43:36
Speaker 1: Yeah.
43:37
Speaker 2: Yeah. And it looked like somebody had thrown a brick
43:42
Speaker 2: through a windshield. And I've had that happen. I was driving, actually,
43:44
Speaker 2: the sunroof on my Mallarmobile. I got hit with a brick.
43:49
Speaker 2: And let me tell you, that glass goes everywhere. And
43:52
Speaker 2: the glass here was in the air everywhere, on the table,
43:54
Speaker 2: as I said. It was in my plate, all over
43:57
Speaker 2: the chicken parm, the fettuccine. And I looked at my wife.
44:01
Speaker 2: I said, listen, did I slam this thing down? I
44:04
Speaker 2: didn't seem like I slammed it. And she was looking,
44:07
Speaker 2: and she said, no. I was like, I must have
44:10
Speaker 2: developed incredible Hulk strength. And she said, no, no, no,
44:15
Speaker 2: you didn't. You didn't slam it. It just kind of slipped.
44:17
Speaker 2: I saw it. It slipped out of your hand. And
44:19
Speaker 2: so apparently I hit the exact microscopic pressure point on
44:24
Speaker 2: the glass. And I found the Achilles heel of a
44:30
Speaker 2: water tumbler, whatever you want to call it. And Bruce
44:33
Speaker 2: Banner takes gamma radiation from This must have been, my
44:39
Speaker 2: determination was that, well, I don't have gamma radiation like
44:42
Speaker 2: Bruce Banner. This must have been leftover from that mashed
44:46
Speaker 2: potatoes that I had had the night before. The same result,
44:49
Speaker 2: the Hulk smash water glass. Unfortunately, my newly discovered superpower
44:53
Speaker 2: destroyed my dinner. I took, again, five bites of the
44:57
Speaker 2: chicken parmigiana, a couple of bites of the fettuccine. I
45:01
Speaker 2: had a lot of garlic bread, and that was it.
45:02
Speaker 2: The chicken parm was contaminated by shrapnel. I was like, well,
45:07
Speaker 2: I could probably pick the glass out. And the wife said,
45:10
Speaker 2: ixnay on that. Now, the restaurant was very nice. They
45:12
Speaker 2: offered to make me another dish of chicken parm and fettuccine.
45:17
Speaker 2: And I said, no, I don't want that. And then
45:21
Speaker 2: because I was like kind of in a bad mood.
45:24
Speaker 2: And I was like, I was actually kind of full anyway.
45:26
Speaker 2: I was just drained. And so they took the meal
45:28
Speaker 2: off the bill, which was very kind. So I do
45:30
Speaker 2: want to thank the fine people. I'll name the restaurant Bootleggers.
45:33
Speaker 2: It's called Bootlecker's Italian Restaurant in Vegas. Good Italian food,
45:37
Speaker 2: nice people, pretty cool bar area, weddings, bar mitzvahs, funerals,
45:42
Speaker 2: all that stuff. And apparently glassware that recognizes my immense
45:48
Speaker 2: physical power and immediately surrenders. So there was that. Now,
45:54
Speaker 2: I have one final, final... I know I'm getting long here,
45:57
Speaker 2: but one final Vegas leftover. It was not as hot
46:01
Speaker 2: as some previous trips. When I say not as hot,
46:03
Speaker 2: it was only like 112 a couple of days. Only 112.
46:07
Speaker 2: That's Vegas logic, by the way. Beautiful day today. The
46:10
Speaker 2: dashboard only melted a little. Now, that's good. It only
46:13
Speaker 2: melted a little. Baby steps. So my wife was still
46:17
Speaker 2: in bed. This was on, I guess it was on Saturday.
46:21
Speaker 2: My wife was in bed. So I walked a couple
46:23
Speaker 2: of blocks away. There was a store that I was
46:26
Speaker 2: going to just walk. It's a clothing store, but they
46:29
Speaker 2: have a discount section, which is pretty big, and clothes
46:32
Speaker 2: for me. So I was like, all right. So it's
46:34
Speaker 2: like two blocks away. Again, 112-degree heat. Tactical genius. As
46:39
Speaker 2: I'm walking, I look underneath the hotel area, and there
46:45
Speaker 2: it is, the entrance. Now, what is it the entrance to?
46:49
Speaker 2: Is it the entrance to a secret casino, a speakeasy? No, no, no.
46:53
Speaker 2: the entrance to a demon portal, the famous tunnels underneath
46:58
Speaker 2: Las Vegas. I've seen YouTube videos on this. I've seen
47:01
Speaker 2: documentaries on this. They're really the flood control infrastructure of
47:06
Speaker 2: Las Vegas, not some actual underground metropolis, the hidden city. However,
47:13
Speaker 2: people have created their lives underground, makeshift living spaces down there.
47:18
Speaker 2: Because if you're homeless in Vegas, it's not always a
47:20
Speaker 2: good idea to sit out in 112-degree weather And again,
47:25
Speaker 2: I had seen some videos on this over the years,
47:27
Speaker 2: this strange subterranean world beneath all the glitz and glamour
47:31
Speaker 2: of Vegas and all the gambling and debauchery of the casinos.
47:34
Speaker 2: But I'd never noticed one of the entrances like this,
47:39
Speaker 2: like right in front of me on my own eyes.
47:41
Speaker 2: And I was walking and there it was. It was
47:43
Speaker 2: dark concrete signs basically telling you stay out, keep out.
47:48
Speaker 2: It's not safe. And so you're thinking, well, did you
47:52
Speaker 2: go into the demon portal? Well, I'll explain. So my
47:56
Speaker 2: first thought was, what has happened down there, right? And
48:00
Speaker 2: I did think about maybe there was a hole in
48:02
Speaker 2: the fence. I could have walked down there. I did not.
48:06
Speaker 2: But just to think, like above ground, you got all
48:08
Speaker 2: these billion-dollar casinos, great steakhouses. You got slot machines, fountains, tourists,
48:16
Speaker 2: people paying attractive women to eat steak on camera. And
48:21
Speaker 2: then below ground, who knows? It looked like the border
48:26
Speaker 2: crossing into another sovereign nation. The People's Republic of UV
48:34
Speaker 2: under Vegas. No sunlight. No Bellagio fountains. The smell of urine.
48:40
Speaker 2: No resort fees. That's good. No parking to pay for.
48:44
Speaker 2: No $ 35 parking. You can park your shopping cart wherever
48:46
Speaker 2: you want. And I stood there staring into the tunnel.
48:50
Speaker 2: And I was thinking about the entire trip. the radio
48:53
Speaker 2: studio falling apart, being unable to broadcast, the happy little accident,
48:59
Speaker 2: my guy Bob Ross, that led to going to Slug's restaurant,
49:03
Speaker 2: which led to the greatest mashed potatoes of my life,
49:08
Speaker 2: the woman dining by herself all dolled up with her phone,
49:12
Speaker 2: my incredible Hulk destruction at the Italian restaurant with the glassware,
49:18
Speaker 2: and now the gateway to subterranean Las Vegas. And that's
49:23
Speaker 2: the magic of these type of things. That's going to Vegas.
49:26
Speaker 2: You make plans. Vegas laughs at you. Bob Ross paints
49:29
Speaker 2: over them. And suddenly you've discovered culinary heaven, gastronomic voyeurism,
49:35
Speaker 2: superhuman strength, and the entrance to an underground world all
49:39
Speaker 2: within about 48 hours. And somehow the thing that I'm
49:44
Speaker 2: still thinking about, not the tunnels, not the exploding glass,
49:46
Speaker 2: not the attractive woman having dinner by herself with the Internet.
49:50
Speaker 2: Those mashed potatoes. The Mona Lisa again of mutated spuds.
49:55
Speaker 2: And somewhere in Las Vegas, Slug is probably laughing. He
49:59
Speaker 2: tried to tell me. I didn't listen. I'm stubborn. I thought, ah,
50:04
Speaker 2: it's just a piece of steak. It turns out I
50:07
Speaker 2: was right. The steak was just the steak. The potatoes,
50:11
Speaker 2: the mashed potatoes were the main event. My God. All right,
50:15
Speaker 2: we'll get out of here on that. I will have
50:16
Speaker 2: the mailbag tomorrow. We'll have a bunch of email from you.
50:21
Speaker 2: You can send messages in realfifthouratgmail.com. That's realfifthouratgmail.com. So make
50:30
Speaker 2: sure to check that out. On Sunday, have a great day.
50:32
Speaker 2: Enjoy the college football today. I'll be watching that LSU-Clemson game.
50:38
Speaker 2: I got that. That was the game I circled. These
50:40
Speaker 2: other games look completely horrific. So if there's one game,
50:44
Speaker 2: that's the game, and I'm sure we'll talk about that
50:46
Speaker 2: a little bit when we get back to the radio
50:47
Speaker 2: show to see how good old Lane Kiffin does there
50:51
Speaker 2: in his LSU. Can you imagine if he loses? Holy crap.
50:54
Speaker 2: All right, we'll talk more about that later. Have a
50:57
Speaker 2: wonderful Saturday. And as my friend Dick and Dayton would say, bye-bye, bye-bye.