Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / What's It REALLY like to work with me as your Divorce Coach?

Transcript

What's It REALLY like to work with me as your Divorce Coach? · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: In software, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you for joining me in this episode today, where I'm going to share some of the questions that I might ask you as your coach.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as a coach, as your coach, I know stuff.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I know lots of stuff.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Of course I do.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I can guide and support and direct you.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, I don't believe I have all the answers for your life.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I believe that you do.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that you have the answers to your life.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's my role to help you find them, uncover them layer by layer, to dig down under the stories that you've told yourself or that you've been told, to strip off the layers and the roles and ideas that have been laid on top of your intuition, your knowing.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: To dig down underneath all of that and find your own answers to the big questions.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, sure, as your divorce coach, as your separation strategist, as your relationship coach, I'm your biggest supporter, your cheerleader, your guide.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: But a big, big part of my role is to ask you the right questions.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Questions that guide you to find your own answers, your own way home to yourself while you're navigating a relationship change, a challenging relationship, or a separation and divorce.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: So my role is to ask you those questions that bring you back to what is most important for you and to you.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then to support you and guide you to find your own answers to those questions.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't believe that I have all of the answers for your life, but I really believe that you do.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: My role is to help you find those answers, to connect really deeply to them and to integrate them into the way you negotiate or navigate your way through your relationship, through your separation, through your divorce and beyond into your life, if that's what you choose, as a solo woman.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: As your coach, I will ask you the really deep and powerful questions that encourage you to challenge and stretch yourself to be vulnerable, to really lean into self-trust and build your self-belief, while also, as I said, being a cheerleader and being your supporter.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: So here are a few questions that I might ask you if we worked together.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a few questions that give you an indication of what it really looks like to work with me.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I might ask you in five or ten or even twenty years' time, how do you want your life to look?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want that life to feel?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I might ask you, what do you really want?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or what's the story you're telling yourself here?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: I might ask you or challenge you by saying, is that true?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Is that true for you?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: I might say, what does your heart say?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: What does your intuition or your inner knowing tell you?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I might ask you, what do you need?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need right now?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to know or do or have or be?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: What is it that you need?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: What does clarity look like for you?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I might say, I know you said, I don't know, when I asked you that question, but if you did know, what would your answer be?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: When it comes to your kids and your future, I might ask you things like, What legacy do you want to leave?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: What do you most want your children to remember?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want your children to remember about you, about their parents, about their family?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want to teach your kids about life, about love, about relationships, about respect?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if we're talking about creating change, I might ask you, what's not serving you?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: What can you release or let go of?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe how are you getting in your own way?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you giving away your personal power?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: What is your biggest fear?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: What are you most afraid of?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: With almost every client I work with, I will at some point ask, okay, what's the best thing that could happen if you chose that?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And once you've answered that, I'll turn it around and say, okay, now what's the worst thing that could happen if you choose that option?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Then what's the best thing that could happen if you did not choose that?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And what's the worst thing?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I might also ask you, how could you simplify or think differently about that?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: What are your possibilities?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: What are the other options?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And almost invariably there'll come a point if you're working with me as your coach when I say, what's one step that you could take?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: What's your one next best step forward?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go a little deeper on some of those questions.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: The first one in five, ten, twenty years' time, how do you want your life to look and feel?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Almost always, this is where I start with my clients.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we start.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: We look towards the future that you most want to create for yourself, for your family, for your relationship.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: We will absolutely talk about and acknowledge the past, the journey, how you got where you are, but that's not the primary focus.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so we start at the end.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: We start where you want to be at the end.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 20, 20?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, years time.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Then all of your choices, all of your decisions, they are all made with reference to that endpoint.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: You make your decisions, you make your choices about what is taking you closer, what is moving you closer, which choice or decision is going to move me closer to my goal, my vision for myself and my future life?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 20 years' time, and how do you want that to look and feel?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: The next question is: what's the story you're telling yourself here?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: What's the story you're telling?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So much of what's spinning around in our heads on repeat on the daily is just that a story.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's a story we've created for ourselves.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, what part of your story as you move through a relationship challenge, as you move through your separation doors, what part of your story do you need to let go of to allow you to move forward?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: What's the story you're telling yourself is a question that helps you recognize your story and when you're stuck in it, and then you can take steps to build the skills you need to move through and beyond that story.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: This question is a way to gently, lovingly, and honestly call yourself out when you tip into that storytelling or catastrophizing, as we all do, especially in highly emotional, highly charged seasons of life like a relationship transition or a divorce.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: But asking yourself this question means that you can recognize the story and then you get to release yourself from the story and rewrite or write your next beautiful chapter.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: What's the story you're telling yourself, and how do you actually want to write the next chapter?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: The next question is about truth.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Is it true?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know it's true?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And what evidence do you have to support that?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now we all make assumptions, and I think especially as you're stepping out of a relationship, we hold on to the assumptions that we previously had about the person.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: So we all make assumptions, we tend to jump to conclusions, and then we subconsciously go on a mission seeking evidence to support our own thoughts, feelings, and ideas.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And often those thoughts, feelings, feelings, and ideas are not based in deep truth.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: They are based in the story, they're based in assumptions and those conclusions that we've already jumped to.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: So we look for evidence to back up our own story.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And as humans, we have a tendency to focus on the darker or the more negative aspects, so we seek that out.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: We seem to look for it more and reinforce the story and the assumptions that we've made.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: So is it true?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know it's true?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: What evidence do you really have to support that what you're saying to yourself is truth?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: How much of what you believe in inverted commas to be true is actually true?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: This question invites you to challenge your beliefs, to challenge your assumptions and to challenge those conclusions that you've jumped to, to challenge those beliefs that you have about your divorce, about your ex, about your family, yourself, your potential, your future.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then encourages you to seek evidence to support the new truth.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Next question or questions.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: So what do you want them to remember?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want them to remember that you were, as their parents, you were two individuals who chose above all to honour their right to a family who cares for and shows respect for one another?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want your kids to remember about their parents, about their parents' divorce, about their parents' ongoing relationship as two humans?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And what do you want to teach your kids?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Kids learn by what they live, by what they see, what they hear, and what they experience.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: And even if in your situation it's a one-way street, the way you conduct yourself teaches them about respectful relationships.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Setting healthy and firm boundaries, holding yourself accountable to what you most want in your co-parenting relationship, communicating and behaving with respect.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: This all teaches your kids really valuable life lessons, invaluable life lessons.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: If there's a disagreement, then this allows you to show your kids by living example how to handle conflict and disagreement in healthy ways.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to discuss and negotiate even in difficult circumstances, and how to honor and respect someone in spite of your differences or different ideas or different opinions.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: How to communicate calmly and respectfully even when your emotions are high.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: How to love deeply, let go gracefully when things aren't okay anymore.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that choosing the right path, it's not always easy, but it's worth it.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want to teach your kids about?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Respect and communication and relationships.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Embody that another question I might ask you what's not serving you?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or what's holding you back?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: What's getting in your way?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you getting in your own way?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Once you've defined your end point, your end goal, where you want to be in five, ten, twenty years' time, what do you need to let go of?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: What is not serving you in order to step forward towards that goal?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: To achieve an amicable outcome, to communicate calmly with your ex, to let go to your what blocks are you putting in your own way?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Where and how are you limiting yourself?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you holding yourself back, keeping yourself small?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Are you self-sabotaging or making excuses for yourself?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Asking this question of yourself helps you, helps you clearly identify where you're challenged, what is getting in your own way, and sometimes why.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then you can brainstorm, brainstorm other options, other solutions.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Identify what you need, where you need to let what you need to let go of and move through and beyond those challenges or those barriers.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: The question of where are you giving away your power often comes up when I'm working with clients who are still triggered by their ex.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: It might be a relatively high conflict separation, or it might just be that somebody can't let go, they keep getting hooked back into discussions that aren't future focused.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you giving away your power?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Holding on to anger, sadness, bitterness, and pain longer than you need disempowers you.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Holding on to the old stories and rehashing old arguments and old conflicts keeps you stuck and disempowers you.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Staying stuck in your story robs you of your ability to clearly see a path forward, let alone step forward.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: So identifying where you are giving away your personal power, where you are externalizing control and power and giving it over to someone else or something else, even just the story.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Identifying where you are not actually really holding yourself accountable and taking control of what you can control, owning what's yours and letting go of what's not.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Reclaiming your personal power frees you to make objective empowered choices about where you're headed, where this next chapter of your life is headed, how you're gonna write it, and what next step you're gonna take to move yourself forward.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: A changing relationship, a separation, divorce often brings up fear.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: And therefore, part of my role as your coach is to help you identify those fears.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: What's your biggest fear here?
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: What are you most afraid of?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because what we most fear is so often the thing that holds us back, that keeps us stuck and unable to see other options or a way forward.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Are you afraid of losing contact with your kids?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Are you afraid of losing control?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Are you afraid of the money, scarcity?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Are you afraid that your ex-partner will win in inverted commas?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Are you afraid of not being able to do it all alone?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: These are all valid and very real fears when you're navigating a separation, but fear paralyzes, paralyzes us and clouds perspective.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: So making decisions becomes so much more difficult.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're navigating a separation divorce, you need to be able to make decisions.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can identify what you're most afraid of and actually face it with loving compassion and embrace it, you can actually unfreeze and start to move forward.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where that question, what's the best worst thing, comes in as well.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: What are you most afraid of?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: What's the best thing that could happen?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: What's the worst thing that could happen?
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: Which of course leads to the next question.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: What are the possibilities?
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: What are the solutions?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: What are the options?
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Looking at all possible solutions, all possible options, even the ones that seem crazy, opens up pathways that you never thought existed or you never thought were possible.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that can lead you and your family to a really beautiful and unique way of resolving what has been keeping you guys stuck.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Opening up yourself to all of the possibilities, even the ones that seem crazy, can be a beautiful way of moving forward.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are the possibilities?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: What are the options?
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, even the really crazy ones.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: There are so many ways to move you and your family forward that asking these questions really helps you get creative and discover and map out your family's unique path, your unique path towards solo life.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: And when it all feels too hard and you feel stuck, the question that I would ask you is what's one step you can take to move yourself forward?
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: What is your one next best step?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: When you're navigating a challenging relationship, when you're wondering whether to stay or go, or you're moving through a separation and divorce, it is at times overwhelming.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: There are so many small decisions to be made every single day, small ones and big ones, that it just becomes overwhelming and you hit decision fatigue.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: You might find that there are days when you find it difficult to decide what to wear or what to make for breakfast, let alone take the steps you need to take towards making a really big life-changing decision.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Whether that be should I stay or should I go?
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: or whether it be are we gonna sell the house?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that you just can't even decide what to have for breakfast.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: And these are the days you just drill it right down to the basics.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: These are the days when I might ask you, or you might ask yourself, what is one step that I can take today to move myself forward?
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need right now?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: What is my one next best step?
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: Asking yourself this question really supports you to get underneath all of the noise to determine what is really important today, right now, what is really important and what's just what's just well, what's noise.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: And once you're clear about that, the one next step becomes a little more obvious.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: And one small step leads you to the next small step, which leads you to the next and the next.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: And when you add up these one small steps, you find that you've come quite a long way.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so all of these questions that I might ask you as your coach, all of them are, yeah, they're big questions, but they're also incredibly simple ones.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Journaling or meditating on them can help you clarify your thinking, uh, open yourself to possibilities that you hadn't yet considered, and can lead you towards finding your own answers.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Having said that, if they are questions you would like to explore in a supportive, super confidential space with someone else, someone who knows what it feels like to do this work, to navigate a divorce, to reorganize your family and your whole life, reach out because I would love to support you to find your own answers to some of these questions.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know where to find me, there's a link in the show notes as well as all of these questions listed out for you as journal prompts.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you would like to connect, as I said, there's a link in the show notes.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Please feel free to reach out to me.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: And however you ask and answer these questions for yourself, however, you do that, go gently.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's a hard time, it's a big time, and it is time to take time.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Go slowly, go gently.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.