Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / I'm Done Here; I'm Taking My Fat Ass Home | Lynne Koplitz

Transcript

I'm Done Here; I'm Taking My Fat Ass Home | Lynne Koplitz · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone.
• 0:01
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• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Meditation Podcast Relax Zone.
• 0:08
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• 0:13
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• 0:18
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• 0:27
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• 0:41
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• 0:50
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• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, you can find Meditation Podcast RelaxZone by clicking the link in this episode's description.
• 1:04
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• 1:10
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• 1:16
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• 1:24
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• 1:26
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• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: Excellent.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Stop.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not Diana Ross.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what I'll do.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'll start crying and you guys keep applauding like that.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm actually in a really good mood tonight, which is bizarre because I've been really cranky because I'm on a diet.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm here's the thing, I'm okay with my weight like this, but I want to do television, which means I need to be awake that's not achievable.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Or talent.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: The talent is so it takes time.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I lost 10 pounds in a week.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Here's what I do: I don't eat all day till I feel dizzy.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, thanks for laughing.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Because I said that in Los Angeles and nobody laughed.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: They just wrote it down.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: They were like, how dizzy?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Fall down dizzy or see spots dizzy?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Los Angeles is so much fun.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Have you guys been there?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it's the most hideous place.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: I had a roommate who was a size double zero.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever seen that?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: Always cold.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: It was like living with a chihuahua.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: She was always like, Lynn, are you cold?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: I am so cold.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Are you turning the air down?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Why are you doing that?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's so cold in here.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: You should eat some solid food, whore.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's true, it's so annoying.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: She actually asked me for four grapes once.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: She counted grapes.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: What kind of mental patient counts grapes?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know anyone who does that?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: That is the weirdest thing.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: I said, four grapes.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: To me, grapes aren't even a food.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: They're like a palate cleanser.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I eat to get the big mac taste out of my mouth.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I can start my fish filet.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I don't count them, I just eat them.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the thing, I'm gonna say it right now on national TV.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a size 14 naturally.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: If I eat what normal people eat, like breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a pizza snack, I'm a size 14.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I like to say that and then look out in the audience.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because men that are like 20 and below are always like, that's kind of big.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Men 30 and above, you're smart.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know how to clear your face of all thought.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: They're like they're trying to pass the polygraph test.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like, is that big?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: You look beautiful to me.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because you know I'll bludgeon you to death with this mic stand, and it won't even be my fault.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm I'm origin, I'm originally from the South, but I've lived in New York now for seven years, and I have found out it is harder and harder to ask myself, what would Jesus do?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll tell you why.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you why, because Jesus never lived in Manhattan.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: The homeless people are so mean to me, you guys.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Some homeless guy like a month ago screamed to me, he's like, those shoes don't match that outfit.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, how would Jesus handle this?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Look, you're cranky because you're hungry and you don't have a house.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: So go ahead and take a dollar and buy a bagel and don't be so judgmental.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: But then, like a few days later, homeless guy asked for a dollar, and I said no, because I was like in a hurry or something, and as I'm walking away, he's like, You got a fat ass bitch.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm taking my fat ass home.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: And we're gonna eat when I get there.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's not Christian, but he attacked my weight, and I go to a dark place when people attack my weight.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: He could have said anything else.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: He could have said things, something about my mother, because frankly, she has it coming sometimes.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: But he attacked my weight.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't help myself.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: I got crazy.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: If he'd said something about my mom, I'd have been like poor little homeless man living in a box.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Rain falling on his sad little homeless head.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: You take a dollar, that's from our Lord.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: But he said fat.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: So f you.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: You live in a box and you're wet.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's disturbing.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: When I was in college, young guys were not hot.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: They all looked like Jack Osborne.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: No, but it was easy to concentrate.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: It was easy to concentrate with Jack Osborne.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Thank God I'm not a teacher.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: I know myself.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody would learn.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be like, all right, today we're gonna do English 101.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're horrible.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just playing, don't woe.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: I've actually dated younger guys.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's not all it's cracked up to be.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: It really isn't.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know why I date a guy five years younger than me?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: They expect you to be knowledgeable, don't they?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: In the bedroom.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: I dated a guy, I'm not making this up.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: He literally said to me once, teach me something.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: I know a little Spanish.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Elbotto no entrada.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's bad.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I like about dating younger guys?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: They follow rules really well.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like you can tell a younger guy, look, sex with me is like taking the SATs.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Just show up on time, do the best you can, and when I say stop, put your little pencil down.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's good rules, isn't it?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: But now I'm in my 30s and I'm not married and I don't have children, and people are concerned.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Not really people, just my my family, my mom, my sister.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why they care.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: My sister actually told me you guys that it was my responsibility as a well-adjusted member of society to have children.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Is that crazy?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I'm not well-adjusted, I'm on Vikodon when I visit you.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's good I told her because now I don't have to babysit her kids when they're in town.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: To be honest.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um, no, what I am scared of is getting in vitro because when you have in vitro, you don't have just one kid, you know.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: You have like a boy band.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what I do.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: I think I'd give him away his Christmas presents.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: People be like, I wonder what Linton gave us.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: There's holes in the box.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: You think it's a puppy?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Better.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: I think you're gonna like it.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: You already have three.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm scared to have a Manhattan child.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Manhattan children are bizarre.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm from the South.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Manhattan children are like weird, uppity little pod children.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: Do you ever notice that?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: They're like a little too sophisticated, a little snotty.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: I my my friend had me babysit one of her kids.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: It was like a little six-year-old, I guess.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: It was walking and talking.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever age that happens, I don't know.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I was at I was watching the little kid and I asked her what her favorite food was.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: I was trying to make conversation.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: What do you talk to him about?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, What's your favorite food?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, Ooh on noodles.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Try chicken nugget, you little freak, like the rest of the country.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: I can't relate to that.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's weird.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: When I was little, I drank out of a garden hose, people.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: I used to get locked out of the house on sunny days.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Did anybody else ever get that?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Locked clear out.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: My mother would be like, pick one, in or out, in or out.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I had that little kid ADD, so I could never pick one quickly.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be like, I don't know, I see a ring club.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: What's on TV?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: And if you didn't pick quick, my mom would show up and just lock you out.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: God forbid my little sister got caught up on the in and I'm on the out.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: We're talking to each other through the glass like we're at a state prison.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like, tell mama I'm thirsty.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Mama says you picked out.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: Take it from the hose.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: No, I have a voice thing now.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know how I know?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because I told him that's what he is.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: You have to stick a flag in a man's butt and claim them now, don't you, girls?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: And you have to twist it a little now, because otherwise they'll get it out on their own.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: Young girls, you don't know.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're in your 20s, right?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: How old are you?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: Twenty two.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: You even said it with like a little lilt in your like 22.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: Because she's there's music in her head.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like 22.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in my 30s.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Things change when you're in your 30s.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, we hesitate when somebody asks our age.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: How old are you?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, how old am I?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: How's the lighting?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: 28.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you have cataracts 25.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: Mom, do you like these with the pink dress?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_02: Very much.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: I want to look trashy, but in your face for what?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, oh well, that'll do it.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_02: Lean first.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, see if you think this is bad.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: My boyfriend got mad at me recently for leaning like this while I performed oral sex.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm tired.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, could you be enthusiastic, please?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Not for nothing, but I have been with him five years, okay?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: His penis is in syndication at this point.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you want enthusiasm.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Make it do something I've never seen it do before.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like the dishes.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I would be so enthusiastic.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, go peony, go peony, go peony.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: You get sleepy, right?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: You ever fall asleep given performing oral sex?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: What's so funny?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: I've done it.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's not that bad.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: Waking up is horrible.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Where am I?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: What is this?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have any relish?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: What is it?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: I was in the park.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was at a hot dog stand.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: You still like sex, don't you?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: Now it you do, I know you do, because you're in your 20s.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: This is still fun.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, sure.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: You still stretch before you have sex.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: You scream, get ready for the dismount.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: Now, in your 30s, things change.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not that excited anymore.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm like, I made dinner, I get bottom.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: I called it.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: This is dirty, but I don't care.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I'll do it doggy style because you can watch South Edition.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's a very underrated position.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because it frees you up to multitask.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Let's face it, the laundry is not gonna fold itself, people.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know that's true.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: But you have to be careful because you, if you have a guy who likes to talk during sex like I do, it's very aggravating.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard to get other stuff done.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because you like it like that.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, hello, I'm reading.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not bothering you.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Why are you always talking and bothering and interrupting me?
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's very annoying.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: I admit it.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: Once in a while I have faked an orgasm.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: I think most of us do it, you know, out of kindness.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: Again, what would Jesus do?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: You have to be sweet.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: Seriously, because sometimes you're like, oh my goodness, how long?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: If I knew this was gonna take this long, I I have things to do.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: What are you doing?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: Just aggravating at this point.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: No, with this guy, I don't fake it out.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: I've exaggerated it.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies know what I mean.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: The men are all like exaggerating.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: You know what it is.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you what it is.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's when you act like it's a 10 when it's really like a 5.3.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like you throw a pillow that probably doesn't need to get thrown.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: Or you give them one of those, like, what are you doing to me?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: You're killing me! And then you and the dog look at each other and roll your eyes.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: I found out the hard way that a grown woman cannot walk down the streets of Manhattan enjoying a lollipop.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know that anywhere else in this country you can do that?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: You can just walk down the street, nobody even notices you while you're eating your took it pop.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm walking down Sixth Avenue, some guy's like, suck it! Suck it, lolly.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: Embarrassing.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: Here I am enjoying a nostalgic little moment of my youth filled with snow cones, pez, and lollipops.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: And a man turns it into porn.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's true though, you can't eat anything remotely phallic without a man turning it into porn.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: My friend was at a barbecue last year and he called me up from the barbecue.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not making this up.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Lynn, this girl was eating her ice cream like she wanted me.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: What should I do?
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm evil.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: Because you know I'm always fighting for good and evil.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: You don't know.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes evil wins.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, dude, go for it.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: She totally wants me.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then I had to relate, so he would really buy it.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I've done that before.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I'm afraid I might not have an ice cream at my disposal.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: So I keep an emergency banana in my handbag.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: Then I whip that out like on the subway or the library, somewhere appropriate.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I go down on the nana and I wink at the man.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: Then we both know that I want it.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta have it.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: Women laugh.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: Look at the men are all looking at me like I knew it.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's embarrassing.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, you have to believe that we even enjoy doing that.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's so grass.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's what I want to do.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: Breathe out of my nose for 20 minutes, please.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: I think that genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men, and I'll tell you why.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you look at our stuff, right?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: Girls, it's all, I mean, it's all kind of gross, but at least with women, it's all organized.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's like God made a little package.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's all tucked in with like hospital corners and stuff.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: And with men, it's like God started to make a bow and the phone rang.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: All uneven and crazy.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: Come and say Hamida.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: That means that means thank you in Korean.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: They love me here.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: They say every everybody rubs men.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: No, I love men.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: I do.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: I sound mean about them, but I love men.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I love about men?
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: Men give sex their all, don't they?
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: Even the most annoying stuff you wish they wouldn't.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: Really time-consuming, aggravating things like breasts.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: I never understand.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: You like breasts, sir?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: Don't spend so much time there.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's time we can't get back, right, girls?
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: I named all the moves, you want to see them.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: I call this one the kitten.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever heard a guy do that?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: Unless you're a baby kitten, there's no real reason to ever do that to a breast.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's the most ridiculous thing.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: I call this one making bread.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever had a guy do that?
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's if you kind of have big moves sometimes.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's awful.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: Making bread.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: I need a drama mean.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: You're making me nauseous.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: This is the one though that brings it home.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: This is the granddaddy of all the moves.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: I call this the safe cracker.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: They're always like.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's a man's get the job done move.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: Can you guys see how ridiculous it is?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because we can see too.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: We know.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: I don't stop it though.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: I don't.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know why?
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm afraid if I stop it, they're gonna do something more annoying.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: They're gonna start licking my armpit or trying to stick their big toe in my butt.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need that.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: This I can deal with.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: My boyfriend's always telling me I'm crazy.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_01: Duh, I'll cut you.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, you call me five times in a row, that's crazy.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: No, I called you 25 times in a row, five from an unblocked number.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: Duh.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: Get it right.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: He really doesn't know how crazy.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: I've actually woken up like on a Saturday morning and looked over him and thought, hmm, I can make him breakfast or beat him to death with a bat.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: And he wakes up, I'm like, waffles.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: One more day, buddy.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: One more day on earth.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: We get another day.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: No, he tried to break up with me recently after five years.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: Who's crazy now?
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: Tell me who's crazy.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know I'm not gonna let that happen.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, I think we need a break.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: No break.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, no, just something temporary.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: We can get back together.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, temporary, no break.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I don't want to be with you anymore.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well, then kill yourself.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: You have options, you're walking out of here.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.