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Episode 117 - Your Attention Is The One Thing That You Actually Own · Sorta Sophisticated

• 0:00
  Speaker A: Welcome to Sorta Sophisticated with Pete and Amanda. So, question.
• 0:06
  Speaker B: Yes, Peter?
• 0:07
  Speaker A: Are you really ready for this? I mean, I could ask you anything I want right now on air.
• 0:13
  Speaker B: Okay.
• 0:13
  Speaker A: Okay. When was the last thing you got super upset about and got stuck on? That has nothing to do with me. Like, in life.
• 0:19
  Speaker B: Ooh. That I'm still angry about.
• 0:20
  Speaker A: Yeah, maybe not right now, but, like, lasted for a while.
• 0:23
  Speaker B: Probably being underappreciated, president, company excluded. Yeah. Yeah. No, not you.
• 0:29
  Speaker A: Oh, okay. Got it. And so you're sitting on it a little bit and it pisses you off.
• 0:32
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 0:33
  Speaker A: Okay. Peter, why are we talking about this? So I have this business associate, colleague, friend really now on the board of PAC Lab. Super cool guy. His name is Rick Bloom. And we were talking about this as we were having sort of a therapy session the other week. And I was pissed off about something going on at PAC Lab. And. And he asked me this weirdest question. Cause in context of business, sort of a weird one. He said, well, how much should you care about this? And I was like, what the hell are you talking about? He's like, well, like, how much of your attention does this really deserve?
• 1:04
  Speaker B: Okay.
• 1:05
  Speaker A: Because he cares about me on like a fundamental level here. And it sort of clocked me. Cause I was like, oh, shit. So then he gets all philosophical. Cause that's who he is. I mean, he's a super genius business guy, but he's also the guy you want to sit here and like, you can interview on this podcast. And he was like, this is life. How much should you care? Like, about different things. You with me?
• 1:24
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 1:24
  Speaker A: Yeah. So he goes, that'd be a great podcast episode. And I'm like, done and done.
• 1:28
  Speaker B: So here we are.
• 1:29
  Speaker A: So literally born from this. He clocked me on a call and I decided this is what we're doing. Okay, so official title is your attention is the one thing you actually own.
• 1:41
  Speaker B: Fair enough.
• 1:42
  Speaker A: Okay. I like that.
• 1:43
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 1:43
  Speaker A: And by the end of this episode, here's our promise. First, why our brain treats little irritating things the same way it treats big life changing things. We're gonna see two. The simple way to sort this all out. Like, what's worth your time and energy versus what's just noise, you know, clogging the system, so to speak. And last, why the Internet and social media? And now probably AI in some cases. Who are we kidding? Is basically built to make you care about things that don't matter on purpose. Duh. Go figure, right? All right, we know the answer to that. So welcome back to sort of Sophisticated Episode 117, the podcast where curiosity, chaos, something collide. So shouldn't you know our tagline culture of curiosity and chaos collide? So close. Amanda. That was Amanda, my co host, who almost knows the tagline to the show.
• 2:32
  Speaker B: I was close.
• 2:33
  Speaker A: I was. You had two out of three. Not bad. All right, word of the week and let's go.
• 2:37
  Speaker B: Let's go.
• 2:38
  Speaker A: Let's do it. Okay, word of the week this week is benignant. Benignant.
• 2:43
  Speaker B: Be nignant.
• 2:45
  Speaker A: Yes, benignant. Do you remember how you were saying that you get word of the weeks to your inbox, then you send it to me? This is another one.
• 2:50
  Speaker B: Oh, was it really?
• 2:51
  Speaker A: You sent me this? Yes. Benignant. Yes. B, E, N I, G N A N, T. Like. Like benign. It comes from benign. Okay, so it's an adjective that means kind, gentle, or having a beneficial effect. Like, despite me being a total asshole to you all the time, Amanda, somehow you remain surprisingly benignant towards me. That makes sense. Okay. Comes from the Latin benignous, meaning kind or generous. Basically the same family is benign. So, right. If something's benignant, it's harmless, sort of favorable.
• 3:19
  Speaker B: Why don't we call it, like, when you get a diagnosis that it's benignant?
• 3:22
  Speaker A: Oh, benignant.
• 3:23
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 3:24
  Speaker A: Instead of malignant, benignant. That's kind of good. I don't know. Yeah, so nobody uses it anymore. But not. Right. Because we've shortened it now, so that's, I think, the only thing.
• 3:32
  Speaker B: Like there's malignant. Right.
• 3:33
  Speaker A: And benignant. And I argue it's a very sophisticated sounding word.
• 3:38
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 3:38
  Speaker A: Sounds like we should be drinking, like after dinner drinks with this. Or like smoking a cigar while we say big ning. So we're going with it. Benignant. You bought it.
• 3:46
  Speaker B: I got it. I like it.
• 3:48
  Speaker A: All right.
• 3:48
  Speaker B: Okay. So we're gonna talk about caring too much, too little, not enough, all of the things.
• 3:53
  Speaker A: Yes, I like that. We're gonna talk about the exact right amount of care. Cause I think there's good parts and bad parts about caring. Okay, but first, if you're listening to this, subscribe. We want people to subscribe, right? Always prescribe, subscribe. Write us letters. Tell us what we're doing right. Tell us what we're doing wrong. We really don't give a shit. We just want interaction so it feels good.
• 4:13
  Speaker B: I mean, you could also write to us about Pete's current shirt, which is very knitted with holes. Oh, it's a little see through.
• 4:18
  Speaker A: Can you see them? Can you see the nips?
• 4:20
  Speaker B: But look real quick, like that's a Pocket, you can't.
• 4:22
  Speaker A: But I'm nervous about it.
• 4:23
  Speaker B: You can't because that's. Pocket. No, not really.
• 4:25
  Speaker A: Okay, good.
• 4:26
  Speaker B: All right.
• 4:26
  Speaker A: I like it.
• 4:26
  Speaker B: All right.
• 4:27
  Speaker A: Anyway, back on track. Here we go. Okay, so this is actually an episode more about. I know we said care, but it's more about attention. Right? Caring is just what attention feels like on our inside. Like, we say we care about something, it's just what we're giving our attention to. Does that make sense? Like, let me. Baseline.
• 4:40
  Speaker B: That's what lives rent free in your brain.
• 4:41
  Speaker A: Yes, thank you very much. Which is a lot of shit all
• 4:44
  Speaker B: the time, especially for you.
• 4:45
  Speaker A: So the real question then isn't whether we care about things. The real question is whether we're caring about the right things. That's, I think, what we're gonna try to get to the bottom of. Okay, here's my point.
• 4:56
  Speaker B: Is there, like, truth to this or is it just like a fortune cookie?
• 5:00
  Speaker A: No, this is real. What are you talking about?
• 5:01
  Speaker B: Okay, so there's a little science to it.
• 5:02
  Speaker A: Why do you gotta go fortune cookie on me? What was that all about?
• 5:05
  Speaker B: It's my Asian self. I don't know what you want.
• 5:06
  Speaker A: There's science behind this. There's. There's a. There's a little bit of. Okay, well, there's some. We'll see.
• 5:10
  Speaker B: Let's see how you finesse this.
• 5:12
  Speaker A: Can I give you an example? Can I give you a very tangible example?
• 5:15
  Speaker B: I'm ready.
• 5:16
  Speaker A: Okay. You remember my stomach problems that I'm having? Like that, literally? Yeah. Okay, so I probably spent, I don't know, a half hour last time.
• 5:22
  Speaker B: Benignant to you.
• 5:23
  Speaker A: No, you can't. Like, that's. That doesn't count. No, that doesn't even work.
• 5:27
  Speaker B: Your stomach is not being very kind to you.
• 5:28
  Speaker A: It's not wrong. But that. Okay, use it again. Okay, but anyway, here's the deal. Last night, I'm laying in bed and, like, it's still bothering me. It's like two out of ten now. But, like, I've had.
• 5:40
  Speaker B: Because it's not benignant.
• 5:41
  Speaker A: Shut up. Okay. Okay, you win. Done. We got it. All right. You're in a mood today. I've had every test. I've had the CT scan, I've had the ultrasound. I've had some. I don't even. There was a third X ray. I've had all the tests.
• 5:53
  Speaker B: You had, like, some color thing, too?
• 5:54
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, with, like, contrasting. Shit.
• 5:55
  Speaker B: That's fine.
• 5:56
  Speaker A: Medically, I'm fine. They found a very small inguinal hernia. They said that's probably what's causing it. No surgery required, nothing. But it doesn't even matter because I'm still in a little bit of pain. I'm, like, obsessing over this bullshit, even though doctors are literally telling me, like, I'm totally fine.
• 6:13
  Speaker B: So how much should you care that you have an ouch?
• 6:14
  Speaker A: This is my point. Like, I was, like, last night, literally, should I run tomorrow morning? How far should I run tomorrow morning? Should I run hard tomorrow morning? Should I just take it easy tomorrow morning? Like, all of this goes through my brain. While, mind you, I didn't pay delinquent. Now, thank you very much, because I was checking my emails, I completely forgot to pay for Ruth's schooling. Like, I didn't even set up her account for Chapman University because I was so obsessed over the dumbest bullshit on the planet. And now I'm, like, fighting with Chapman because her. What is it? Her classes are on hold. They're on hold because I didn't do, like, the adult thing. Do you follow what my logic here? Like, I'm trying to tell you I'm obsessing over the wrong things.
• 6:54
  Speaker B: Something that is living rent free in your brain, that is taking over for other things that are more important.
• 6:59
  Speaker A: And I would argue that's me internalizing and being a freak. And you know everything about me, and I totally get it. But it's not just that. It's all external, too. It's just bullshit if you think it's all internal. Because we do care a lot. And that's what me and Rick were talking about. About what people think of us. Like, specifically. Right. Like what you think of me and how I'm behaving or how I'm interacting with people. We do care societally that we're good. You put on deodorant in the morning? Yeah. Why?
• 7:21
  Speaker B: Because I don't like to smell myself.
• 7:22
  Speaker A: Right. No, it's not because you don't want to smell yourself.
• 7:24
  Speaker B: Oh, I don't care about other people.
• 7:25
  Speaker A: Bullshit. Why do you always have to, like, do the opposite? Like, you're such a pain in my ass. Yes, you do.
• 7:31
  Speaker B: You.
• 7:32
  Speaker A: Why'd you braid your hair today? Why did you dress up today? Back to our episode on Fashion. Right. Your clothes tell the story before you.
• 7:38
  Speaker B: I would argue that I would dress nicer for this podcast because I totally what I look like.
• 7:42
  Speaker A: My point is, we want to be liked. We yearn. We yearn to be included. What the fuck? Fill in the blank. You get it.
• 7:49
  Speaker B: Okay, well, not caring is, like, not automatically a Bad thing.
• 7:52
  Speaker A: Maybe for you, but like for normal. For 98.7% of humans, it is. You're the very small minority. So fine. You're not gonna learn shit from this episode today. There. It's out there. Okay.
• 8:05
  Speaker B: Well, I would say maybe. I would argue this.
• 8:07
  Speaker A: What?
• 8:07
  Speaker B: I think sometimes people care differently about certain things. Right? Like, yeah. You, I think, think about a lot of time of how to act appropriately in public. And that could have just been values that were instilled in you.
• 8:21
  Speaker A: Of course.
• 8:22
  Speaker B: Whereas if you told me how I'm supposed to interact in public, if I was a kid. Right. How is this supposed to interact in public versus getting good grades. The good grades would be what was living rent free in my brain. Because that was instilled more so in me as first gen. Yeah, we know.
• 8:36
  Speaker A: So Nobi Press.
• 8:38
  Speaker B: Right, but. Nobi Press.
• 8:39
  Speaker A: Nobi Plus.
• 8:40
  Speaker B: But I just think value wise and like different seasons of life, maybe we just care about things on a different level.
• 8:47
  Speaker A: Same with you. In the seasons of life. I get what you're saying. Fine. You're making my point for me anyway. My point is just bigger than that. It's caring makes society civil. That's how we interact. Otherwise, like, it's why I show up on time. Amanda.
• 9:03
  Speaker B: Oops.
• 9:04
  Speaker A: Maybe a really bad example there.
• 9:06
  Speaker B: But, like, that's. But again.
• 9:08
  Speaker A: Right.
• 9:08
  Speaker B: You value showing up on time. I struggle with. Doesn't bother me as much.
• 9:14
  Speaker A: Okay.
• 9:14
  Speaker B: Right.
• 9:15
  Speaker A: Do you say sorry?
• 9:15
  Speaker B: Maybe I do.
• 9:17
  Speaker A: Okay. Ever.
• 9:18
  Speaker B: To me, I do. And then you say, I don't care.
• 9:23
  Speaker A: Let's go down that rabbit hole. When was the last time you actually said sorry to me? Yeah. The fact that you can't remember. I will tell. Literally. Can I answer this question? Because it was 10 minutes ago for me. I said sorry to you 10 minutes ago. I literally did. And when was the last time you said sorry to me?
• 9:36
  Speaker B: You actually did it say sorry?
• 9:38
  Speaker A: Oh, I did. I started with, should I say sorry to you?
• 9:39
  Speaker B: You asked, should I say sorry to you? Shut up. I said no.
• 9:43
  Speaker A: Shut up. My point.
• 9:44
  Speaker B: You did not.
• 9:44
  Speaker A: Can we get back on track? My. My point is we care a whole lot about what other people think of us. Can you please just mildly agree with me on that point? Because if you don't, then this podcast, we ought to shut this episode down.
• 9:55
  Speaker B: I agree.
• 9:56
  Speaker A: Okay. Okay.
• 9:56
  Speaker B: We do care what people think about us. I just, again, I think it's. The values may be just different. Right.
• 10:04
  Speaker A: I totally understand what you're saying.
• 10:05
  Speaker B: Yes. Emphasize differently the. What we care about, who we care about, who we are worried about. Etc.
• 10:11
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 10:12
  Speaker B: So again, it's what we choose to live rent free in our brains.
• 10:15
  Speaker A: Yes, I would completely agree with you. Yes. Now I'm, now I'm gonna go a little bit more like sciency stuff. Okay, Right. About this whole concept. So you remember our episode on who made the rules? I think it was who made the rules. Don't quote me on it. We talked about how our brains are only able to manage like 150 people in like the village. That's how we were born to grow up. Right? Dunbar's number. It was called Dunbar's number. Yes. So basically our ancestors only cared about super really important things. Who they could trust, who was sick and they needed to quarantine if food was going to last for them through the wintertime, if some tribe was trying to kill them. Survival thoughts. Right. That was our whole plan. Like every piece of data or input that they would get throughout the day had a serious fundamental material effect on if they were going to survive like literally that day.
• 11:02
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 11:03
  Speaker A: Okay, so fast forward now. And even before we get in the studio today, like, we are worried about, like, think of all the things that already caught our attention today. Stock market, what's going on, new political scandal, who's doing what, who's doing who, Right? Some hurricane just killed like 3,000 people. Or some tornado did some devastating thing to somebody, some celebrity, generally. Britney Spears just destroyed her career. Again, whoever, you name it, right? Your favorite athlete gets traded. What's going on? Right.
• 11:31
  Speaker B: A lot of noise in our brains.
• 11:32
  Speaker A: A lot of noise. So our brain, I'm arguing, treats all of these things the same exact way that our ancestors did all those years ago. Like our survival depends on it, except it doesn't anymore. That's the difference.
• 11:48
  Speaker B: I mean, I kind of would say maybe I call BS a little bit.
• 11:51
  Speaker A: A little bs.
• 11:52
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 11:52
  Speaker A: Well, because I think, no, there's science behind this.
• 11:54
  Speaker B: But I still feel like we as humans are still in tune to figuring out.
• 12:00
  Speaker A: You think you could separate the noise? I'd argue most people can't separate the noise.
• 12:04
  Speaker B: Again, okay, you're arguing if people can separate the nodes.
• 12:07
  Speaker A: My premise behind this whole talk that me and Rick were talking about was like general population here. I mean, we're talking 80, 20, right? So I do get. There's outliers and you might totally be an outlier the way you write, raise, whatever, like you said, different values, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Totally fine. I'm saying generally, and, and I fall into this category. I mean, I I care about all this stuff. I mean, maybe I don't get so. So obsessed over stuff, but there are certain things that I grab onto that are not going to material affect me in any way. And I'm like, still like freaking out over them.
• 12:36
  Speaker B: I see what you're saying.
• 12:36
  Speaker A: Which is absolutely insane.
• 12:38
  Speaker B: We fuss over things that have no value to our life, affects our lives.
• 12:45
  Speaker A: We have this setting in our brain. Right. Science.
• 12:48
  Speaker B: I mean, I take it a step further that it's not even just that noise, but we have the information of the world in the palm of our hands and our phones. And so I think that that's the problem. That's what I'm getting at is like a million fold.
• 13:01
  Speaker A: Yes.
• 13:01
  Speaker B: Like our brains can't comprehend.
• 13:03
  Speaker A: Go back to that other episode. We were worried about survival. Now the world opened, so now we just. Right. It's just we're still running on the old way of doing things. That's the problem. Does that, that make sense?
• 13:14
  Speaker B: Yes.
• 13:15
  Speaker A: So now I want to argue with you. It's not automatically bad to care what people think, even though you don't.
• 13:19
  Speaker B: No, I think people do care. I just think it's at a different level, like different reasons, different types of people. Different, you know, I don't think it's the same for everybody.
• 13:29
  Speaker A: Right, okay, fine. But we agree that fundamentally it is important to care.
• 13:33
  Speaker B: Yes, it is important. We wouldn't have civil.
• 13:35
  Speaker A: Okay, okay, okay, got it, got it. Okay, so back to the village. Here we go. 150 people. Decisions that you're making literally are life or death. Think about this, right? So being lazy and not pulling your weight or being untrustworthy, like that all mattered a lot back then. Did you ever watch 1883? Did you ever watch Yellowstone?
• 13:52
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 13:53
  Speaker A: So 1883 was a spin off of Yellowstone. Yeah. Then like 1823. Yes. Yeah, yeah. So, right. That was the whole concept. Nobody was caring about bullshit. They were care. Like they would assess the situation and be like, dude, that cowboy's not pulling his weight. Like, if we don't do X, Y and Z, we're going to all die. It was sort of a bigger problem. Just now magnify everything because of social media, like, everything is 10,000 times louder and faster. And now we care more about the stranger, I guess, like in the other village, quote unquote, than we need to, because their life really has nothing to do with us or whatever. Or whatever's on the TikTok algorithm or whatever you. I don't. I don't give a shit. Whereas beforehand it was all because of safety.
• 14:36
  Speaker B: Your community.
• 14:37
  Speaker A: Yes, because of our community. Right, right.
• 14:39
  Speaker B: I think there's, like. Now that onion that we used to have just has so many different layers, and we're worrying about the outside layer of the onion getting rotted, but we're on the inside, and we should worry about the inside layer being rotted in.
• 14:49
  Speaker A: Yeah, I liked your Goldilocks sort of analogy. This is. Yes, absolutely. Because it's, like, carrying too much or too little.
• 14:57
  Speaker B: Right. Is there, like, a right amount?
• 14:58
  Speaker A: There has to be a right amount. Otherwise you're sort of letting the world run you. Or you're being apathetic and don't give two shits about anything. Like, I like this idea of the middle ground.
• 15:09
  Speaker B: Okay. So, like, I'm on board. We agree. We're on the same page, but, like, are there habits? Are there, like, a cheat code? What is, like. Yes, we agree on this, but what are we supposed to do about it?
• 15:21
  Speaker A: Yeah, okay. Right. So I said there's gonna be, like, a little. We have a.
• 15:23
  Speaker B: Like, something. Something.
• 15:24
  Speaker A: Yeah. So super simple way to sort this out. Right. What's worth our time and energy and what's just noise?
• 15:29
  Speaker B: Can I guess one of them?
• 15:30
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 15:30
  Speaker B: Is it something about whatever's in our control? Because this is what my therapist tells me about my anxiety.
• 15:34
  Speaker A: That's the first one.
• 15:35
  Speaker B: Yes, I.
• 15:36
  Speaker A: Wait, first one. What you can control. Yes. Your health, your habits, your effort, how kind you are to people. Maybe I should do better at that. Oh, my God. All the things. That's entirely on you. That's category one, Bucket one. What you can control, you know? Second one. No, that's where you stopped.
• 15:52
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 15:52
  Speaker A: Okay. Second one is things.
• 15:53
  Speaker B: Still working on number one.
• 15:54
  Speaker A: Okay. Second one is things you influence. Your kids, friendships, your community, me and you, our co hosts. Right. If you're a business owner, maybe your employees, your pastor, your congregation, you don't control it per se, but you actually move the needle.
• 16:11
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 16:11
  Speaker A: Okay. Influence.
• 16:12
  Speaker B: You have a voice in someone else's life.
• 16:14
  Speaker A: All right, so we have control. We have influence. And the last one is things you observe. Wars, elections, stock market, celebrity drama. All the things you're talking about. The weather, the hurricanes, all the shit. Random strangers online, rage baiting you. You have to.
• 16:25
  Speaker B: Don't.
• 16:26
  Speaker A: This is where everybody gets shit. You can't control this. Get stuck. This is the things people obsess over. This is social media. This is the platform. Right.
• 16:33
  Speaker B: Okay. It's like the drama.
• 16:34
  Speaker A: So those are three categories, then. You take whatever is vying for your attention and you Take five minutes and shove them into one of those three categories. Right.
• 16:42
  Speaker B: And if it's in the third category, do I just leave it in the bucket?
• 16:45
  Speaker A: That's what you're supposed to do, right? So. But you're cheating. But yeah. Okay.
• 16:48
  Speaker B: Because I don't like that bucket. So that's what I wanted to go with.
• 16:50
  Speaker A: If you can get it into category one, that's good. Spend more time on it. That is where you should spend the majority of your time. So are you working out, Amanda?
• 16:59
  Speaker B: No.
• 16:59
  Speaker A: Are you eating right, Amanda?
• 17:00
  Speaker B: Yes.
• 17:01
  Speaker A: Okay.
• 17:01
  Speaker B: There you go.
• 17:01
  Speaker A: Okay, so these are. Right, Church. Right. These are things that you get to control. So spend more of your time there. Make it a priority. 10 out of 10. If you're not, you better rethink that shit. That's Bucket one, bucket two. Influence. This one's more about action than about worrying so much. So, like, if your kid's struggling, worrying about it, oh, my God, I spent my life worrying about it. Doesn't move the needle, like, at all. This is where, like, have a conversation with your child. Figure out what's going on. Try to solve the problem by doing something. Do action. Right. Texting. We're talking about texting. Try to solve. Like, don't just be like, oh, that friendship's not worth it. No, like, especially with my siblings. Like, I want to try harder with my siblings. That's a good one for me. I gotta text them more often. I gotta try harder. Not just think about it, but, oh,
• 17:46
  Speaker B: I should do this. Put the effort in.
• 17:47
  Speaker A: It's bullshit, right? Put the effort in. Make it a priority. Anything in that bucket, like, of influence, it should be. Instead of, how do I feel about it? Think about more. Like, what can I do about it today? What can I do about it this week? That's the influence bucket. Okay, then the last one, which I fully admit is the hardest to let go by far for me, but you got to try it. That's the Observe bucket. The trick is not allowing it unlimited access. So the cheat code here is trying to pick a window. Like, give yourself a time frame. 15 minutes, 30 minutes, right? Open up your news app. What do you look at? I don't know. What do you do at, like, are you a news freak? Are you a TikTok freak? Like, what do you do? Like, what takes your time? News. Okay, so 30 minutes or 15? 15 in the morning, 30 minutes at night. That's it. Shut it down. Whatever. If it's on your phone, if it's on the television, give yourself a time constraint. And then that's all you're allowed to have. So you're not trying to avoid it. You're trying to only give it limited space so you can spend more time on the action and the influence. Or more importantly, the bucket you can control. Does that make sense?
• 18:45
  Speaker B: Yes, but it's easier said than done.
• 18:47
  Speaker A: No, it's totally easier said than done. Tell me about it. Like, right, but you have to be intentional about the whole thing. You have to wake up in the morning and say, like, do you meditate?
• 18:55
  Speaker B: No.
• 18:56
  Speaker A: Okay. I tried for a while, and I'm not good at it. I'm terrible at it. But this whole idea, it's the same concept anyway. It's spending enough time recognizing when the thought enters your brain, immediately saying, where does it fit which category? And depending on which category it goes into, you know exactly what to do with it. So, okay, right now I'm obsessing over not getting the text. Got it. Boom. What do I do? Get it in that category. 3. Done. I'm gonna worry about it for 30 minutes tonight. I'm not gonna do anything else. I gotta get back to action because
• 19:22
  Speaker B: it inhibits us from being able to do the rest of our daily stuff.
• 19:26
  Speaker A: So you need to have resets in your day. So literally, I've set your alarm. I mean, like, just be like, okay, at 10:00am, 12:00pm, 2:00pm I'm gonna set my alarm. Be like, hold on a second. What's been going on? I need to erase this. Where do I put it? What category do I put it in? And go, that's the cheat code that people are missing. I would literally set reminders on my phone.
• 19:44
  Speaker B: Oh, okay. I mean, I guess that is a good way to help us take whatever that thing is that we're obsessing about and being able to trust me. I want to disassociate. Yeah, well, I know this, but. And to be able to, like, disassociate and then focus on real life and what's important and what's in front of us and what's going on. But, like, I guess I'm thinking about how, again, I have anxiety, and it's.
• 20:03
  Speaker A: Who do you think has more anxiety? Me or you? Not that it's a contest, but I'd argue I have more than you.
• 20:09
  Speaker B: Okay, like.
• 20:10
  Speaker A: Like, a lot, probably.
• 20:12
  Speaker B: I mean, again, it's what I can't control, which is, like, right.
• 20:15
  Speaker A: You go with the flow so much more than I do.
• 20:17
  Speaker B: I mean, I try, but it doesn't mean that I don't have anxiety. Internally.
• 20:20
  Speaker A: Okay, then you are.
• 20:22
  Speaker B: I'm better at hiding it.
• 20:22
  Speaker A: Maybe you are. You're better. You know what? You're better in society. You're doing the thing we're talking about. You're behaving appropriately in society. I'm not. There's a problem.
• 20:32
  Speaker B: But why? Like, so because of that anxiety, I understand why we constantly obsess over the stuff that we can't control. Right? That makes sense to me.
• 20:39
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 20:40
  Speaker B: But do you really think this three bucket thing is going to snap us out of it?
• 20:44
  Speaker A: I do. I just think, are you really going to do it? Right? So you have to commit. You have to have a why. It's the why behind everything. Right? So it's so basic to say sitting here on a podcast. Right? Oh, what's your why? You know, I've been obsessing over working out lately and getting in shape and the whole thing. And I thought about like, I was just sitting there one night thinking about what changed, and it dawned on me, hit me like a brick. And what changed was my why. I didn't know it at the time, but my why was. I'm a widower, so there's no backstop anymore. There's nobody to count on anymore. And I refuse to let my children take care of me while they are raising their own children. I literally refuse. And I was like, holy shit, that is what this is all about. I don't want to be a burden and have my kids feel bad or worse yet, have to like, figure out how to move me around in a wheelchair while they're dealing with their 8 year old kid. So not only do I want to like participate in my grandchildren's lives, I recognized how important that was. So this idea of why is incredibly powerful. And like, that's what you need. That's the trick that you need to spend time on to get there. Right.
• 22:01
  Speaker B: Well, but I feel like if you can figure out what your why is, then you're able. I think it taps back into like your primal instinct though, Right? Because you, I think instinctually, in this example, decided that I no longer have a partner for my kids.
• 22:15
  Speaker A: Right.
• 22:15
  Speaker B: So I need to step up and I need to be the best person. And that gave you the motivation. Right. But I think it's that primal instinct that we all have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That kind of is our motivation. Right? Because before it was our motivation to not die. Right. To not get eaten by a saber tooth cat or to not.
• 22:29
  Speaker A: Yeah, oh, totally, totally.
• 22:30
  Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We talked about it.
• 22:32
  Speaker A: It was negativity. Bias. We talked about this before. Psychology. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a whole thing, but. And now it's more like, yes, we're wired to worry about threats. And to me, that was a threat, I guess, than we are to worry
• 22:46
  Speaker B: about the survival thing for you and your kids. Right?
• 22:48
  Speaker A: Yes, that's absolutely true.
• 22:51
  Speaker B: Maybe the argument should be that we need to tap back into our natural human instinct.
• 22:58
  Speaker A: Yeah, I would say so.
• 22:59
  Speaker B: Rather than a lot of, like, the comparing that we do on social media, because I feel like that also.
• 23:04
  Speaker A: Oh, my God.
• 23:04
  Speaker B: Totally pulls us down.
• 23:05
  Speaker A: It does.
• 23:06
  Speaker B: And then we start caring about things that we shouldn't care about and that, like, I do think social media manipulates us in a way.
• 23:12
  Speaker A: In a way? In a way. In a way.
• 23:14
  Speaker B: Probably a lot of ways.
• 23:15
  Speaker A: I mean, that's the whole issue.
• 23:16
  Speaker B: It's tv, it's news, it's the whole thing. So much noise. And so if we maybe tune that out a little bit, we'll be able to figure out our why a little bit easier, our own why.
• 23:26
  Speaker A: So this is where, like, people's why. Listen, I don't know where religion plays in for you, but, like, a lot of people. Oh, my God.
• 23:31
  Speaker B: Right?
• 23:31
  Speaker A: Religion. I'm not like, this is a big part of it. Religion helps with all of this stuff. I don't care what you call it. Catholics, we pray the rosary. You know, different religions, they meditate. Right. Everybody's got their thing. It's a version of less distraction. Get the noise out and figure out what's important. Yeah, right. I think that's sort of like, literally businesses. Every single fucking business today is designed to attract our attention. That's a. Did you ever watch the Social Dilemma?
• 24:00
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 24:01
  Speaker A: Not the Social Network. Not the one like Mark Zuckerberg. The Social Dilemma. I remember we watched it with our kids. Oh, my God. We were in Big Bear. Oh, my God. So many years ago, eight years ago. I'm having a moment. The way that they figure you out and the algorithms and what they feed you and, like, the dopamine, it is unbelievable, right? If you think about, like, what the news wants from you, what social media wants from you, the influencers, politicians, right?
• 24:24
  Speaker B: And it's money.
• 24:25
  Speaker A: And now it's all even street, even streaming, right? The show starts in five seconds. Like, next show, go, go, go. Right? They're all competing for your attention, which is just so fucked up that we have to fight against it. And we are too weak. We, Like, I don't say we. I am too weak to fight against that. The best part of My day ever. I mean, this is so basic. And so I know, like, what's the word? Like, trite. The best part of my day is waking up at 6 o' clock in the morning, working out. I turn on my music in my garage and I have an hour and a half of just whatever I want to do. And like, nothing is in my way. And after that it's a fucking train wreck. But that first hour and a half is glorious. And if I could figure out how to get that through the whole day,
• 25:08
  Speaker B: wonder because again, we live so much of our lives on this online presence. Yeah, we intake a lot. We're consumers. What we give up, like mentally within our own lives, with the people we love.
• 25:21
  Speaker A: Because you don't know what you're giving up, but absolutely you give up because
• 25:24
  Speaker B: it's like an opportunity cost.
• 25:25
  Speaker A: Well, look at me right now. Like, where am I right now? I'm a year into, you know, quote, unquote. What is that? Retirement? Not really retired, but like, I don't like. I mean, I love your best life. I love the podcast. No, absolutely. But like, depending on where I want to spend my time, I'm a perfect example of where should I spend my time? Should I be volunteering more?
• 25:42
  Speaker B: Yeah, right.
• 25:42
  Speaker A: I mean, I know I took care of my mother in law and I love that. I thought that was glorious. I just think of. I've been thinking of that a lot lately and I know I have the, the benefit of, you know, being able to be in the position to be able to consider all of those things, but like, I don't know that I'm doing a good job at it and I think I need to spend more time figuring out like, what's my right calling and where can I help? It reminds me of a story because I just thought when I said my mother in law, she died of pulmonary fibrosis.
• 26:07
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 26:08
  Speaker A: Yeah. Dr. Thomas was her palliative care specialist. He was the most amazing guy in the world. Shout out to Dr. Thomas. So anyway, she has oxygen deprivation. So it was really hard, right? She was on the oxygen machine, so on and so forth. And he was explaining it to her in such a simple way. But this is, I think this is a great way of connecting the dots about attention. Same thing. So we told her, think about it this way, Elena, you have 100 units of energy that you can use every day to breathe. Like that's all you get. You have a maximum capacity. Other people have more, but you have 100. Okay. And you have to wake up in the morning and you have to stop before you do anything, because physically, you can't get through all the things you want to do. You have to decide which parts of your day get that attention, get that 100 units of energy. So, like, for instance, for her, taking a shower might be 20 units of energy. Going downstairs. She was at an assisted living community. Going downstairs to have lunch might be 30 units of energy. Right. A walk. I would take her on a walk. That might be 50 units of energy. So if that's what she wanted to do in her day, like, do the math real quick. That ends up to like 90 units of energy in two seconds because she decided, I want to take a shower, I want to go downstairs to lunch, and. And I want Pete to come over and take a walk with me. That was it. So she had 10 units left. And if she didn't plan that at 8 o' clock in the morning, she'd
• 27:24
  Speaker B: be spent by 10, she would be spent.
• 27:25
  Speaker A: Absolutely. And that's what was happening. And when he did that, it opened
• 27:28
  Speaker B: up a whole world.
• 27:29
  Speaker A: So this is the same exact problem. It's, we are not spending time in the morning. And this is what you like. Again, go on social media, look it up. Some of these gurus say this, like, wake up in the morning, 4 o', clock, do your thing and plan your fucking day. Because if you plan this out, you will make sure you make the right adjustments to what you care about and what your attention should be focused on. Does that make sense?
• 27:51
  Speaker B: Absolutely.
• 27:51
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 27:51
  Speaker B: I mean, I think the argument's just being intentional.
• 27:53
  Speaker A: It's absolutely being intentional. Which, I mean, who are we kidding? Like, Gabby was the queen of intentionality and she is teaching me that. But here I am three years later. Try. Like, that came naturally to Gabby. I don't. Does it. Are you good at this or no?
• 28:07
  Speaker B: No. I mean, I think I.
• 28:08
  Speaker A: Give yourself a score. Are you bprus, maybe.
• 28:11
  Speaker B: B minus.
• 28:11
  Speaker A: B minus. Your mom would not be happy.
• 28:14
  Speaker B: No, probably not.
• 28:15
  Speaker A: I think I'm a D at best with this. I think about it a lot more. I super do, because of Gabby. But putting it into action for me, Dude, I would be lying to you if I didn't say I'm stuck in bucket three, like, a lot more than I wish I was. I mean, I do have my good moment every morning of bucket one, but that's literally it. So, what, 18 hours? I don't know, 16 hours.
• 28:40
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 28:41
  Speaker A: Oh, I'm not doing so good.
• 28:43
  Speaker B: Well, I really do think you just need to be benignant to yourself because, like, you are a single parent.
• 28:48
  Speaker A: I like that you can say that word and I can't bening.
• 28:51
  Speaker B: But you're like, you are wearing lots of hats, right? So I think you do have to give yourself a little grace here.
• 28:55
  Speaker A: Thank you.
• 28:56
  Speaker B: But I will not in the fact if you don't have fun facts.
• 28:59
  Speaker A: Oh, I have fun facts. I totally have fun facts, dude. I don't mess around with that. You know what? When I, like, do my research and do all this stuff, I start with fun facts. I'm like, I gotta look up all the fucking fun facts. And if there's good fun facts, then it turns into a show. If there's not fun facts, then it doesn't even turn into a show. How do you like that?
• 29:14
  Speaker B: Oh, who would have known?
• 29:15
  Speaker A: Dun, dun, dun. That's my secret cheat code. Here we go. Okay, number one, fun facts. The average person checks their phone. No. Now I want to know. Hold on. How many times do you think you check your phone in a day?
• 29:25
  Speaker B: Oh, I'm sure it's all the time. That's why I had to stop wearing Apple Watch. Because I would check my Apple watch just to see if I missed.
• 29:31
  Speaker A: I'm obsessed. The average person checks it 100 times a day.
• 29:35
  Speaker B: I would believe it.
• 29:35
  Speaker A: Yes. Not because back to our point, there's a hundred things that are super important that are happening. No, no, no. Because the apps specifically are engineered to make it feel like they pay off.
• 29:45
  Speaker B: Yeah, I think we've talked about this. Probably there is this neuroscientist at Davis, and she's phenomenal.
• 29:51
  Speaker A: Phenomenal.
• 29:52
  Speaker B: But she. She talked about how a lot of her cohort has now gone to work for private firms and that, like, millions of dollars went into that little swoosh noise when you send an email.
• 30:02
  Speaker A: Oh, thank you.
• 30:03
  Speaker B: Because it, like, it's satisfying.
• 30:04
  Speaker A: Or Disneyland.
• 30:06
  Speaker B: Oh, yeah, right, yeah. Or like, the colors of your phone and of the apps, like, it just, like, gets you addicted.
• 30:11
  Speaker A: I'm gonna get super dark for a second. So I know, like, when you think of, like, addictive things like drugs or, like, porn, like super addictive, and we immediately like prostitution. Not addictive, but, like, we think those are terrible things. Like, we'll be like, oh, my God, no, don't do those things.
• 30:24
  Speaker B: Right. People don't think about their phone being addictive. And that is true.
• 30:26
  Speaker A: Why isn't an app. Why don't. Why are we as a society. Okay, apps. That's my point.
• 30:31
  Speaker B: We've been.
• 30:32
  Speaker A: Right. But all this other bad stuff is bad, like, bullshit. It's all the same stuff, but it does.
• 30:37
  Speaker B: It hits your same dopamine.
• 30:39
  Speaker A: We've talked about this in so many different episodes. Kill me. Okay, number two, are we ready? There's a famous experiment where people watched a video of folks passing basketballs and they were told to count the passes. I don't know the name of the experiment, but you've probably seen this because it's on television. Like, they do it all the time. About half the people that were, like, told to do this experiment missed the gorilla that was walking straight through the frame while the people were passing the basketball. Yes, that's super famous because people are just so obsessed with counting what they were told to do. So your attention isn't just limited, it's a spotlight. Right? Because you're told what to do of what exists. That's it. You're just stuck in following that stupid direction and you can't even see what the fuck is happening. And that gorilla thing is amazing. I've seen it, like, so many. It's played out so many different ways. Okay, number three. In some studies, the average news consumer perceives that the world is far more violent and far more dangerous than crime statistics actually show. And that gap tracks almost exactly with how much news they each consume. So the world isn't getting worse nearly as fast as, like, the feed that's being sent to us is. And then we're deciding how, quote, bad the world is. Does that make sense?
• 31:52
  Speaker B: Yeah, it's like the Chicken Little thing, right? It's bullshit, but I mean, like, that's why a lot of old people, once they retire, all they do is watch news, their mental capacity, and, like, health slides.
• 32:01
  Speaker A: Because I have friends that text me this shit.
• 32:03
  Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, like, all again. It's living rent free in their brain and it's all this murder and all the things and.
• 32:09
  Speaker A: Okay, I don't like that. That's a scary, fun fact. I don't like it. Okay, and finally, multitasking. And most people practice it, or pretend they practice it. It isn't actually two things happening at once. My kids think they're the best at, oh, my generation. Dad, you don't know how to do it. I know how to do it. It's actually your attention switching back and forth really fast. And every single switch has a cost, so they believe they're multitasking. They're not. They're switching from one to the other too fast. And do it enough times in a day and you literally all those little minutes add up and you're not working on either of the tasks. So the joke is on Gen Z. Uh huh. There ain't no multitasking.
• 32:46
  Speaker B: I would say that I'm a good multitask.
• 32:48
  Speaker A: Ah, you say what you will, but you know what? What I would argue is you're fast at getting work done, which is different than multitasking.
• 32:55
  Speaker B: Well, but I think. Yes, and I also think that women who like. And it could be men as well. But I'm just using an example. Being a woman by perspective, by default,
• 33:06
  Speaker A: I already know where you're going. And I agree with you.
• 33:08
  Speaker B: But it's like with kids or with managing a household or with all the things you kind of have all the time. A bunch of you have to. And you're right though. You are pivoting from one thing to another.
• 33:16
  Speaker A: Go to how I screwed up on Ruth Chapman payment plan.
• 33:19
  Speaker B: Like, I don't think that's part of.
• 33:20
  Speaker A: No, but like, think about this. Like you got to go grocery shopping. What do I need to do? Yeah. Kids getting school crap. What like books. Like you name. Like it doesn't even matter. A doctor's visit. Ruth needed a doctor visit. Paul had me a question about application. Like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Right. Is it multitasking or is it just being really.
• 33:37
  Speaker B: I agree that it's more pivoting to each thing.
• 33:40
  Speaker A: Yeah. And I. And I do 100% agree with you. Women have the capacity because it's required so much more.
• 33:46
  Speaker B: But again, instinctually, like, men went out, they hunted. I know they are very good understanding their surroundings. Nowhere.
• 33:53
  Speaker A: So anyways, go back to the village with 150 people in it, man. Everybody's got their job to do. Okay?
• 33:57
  Speaker B: So if anybody wants to learn more. I know we talked about a little bit of sciencey stuff. We talked about our instinctual stuff. Is there a movie or a book?
• 34:06
  Speaker A: I wish there was a movie. A book, but it wouldn't get our attention anyway, so it doesn't even matter.
• 34:09
  Speaker B: Oh, that's true.
• 34:09
  Speaker A: Right?
• 34:10
  Speaker B: Bump, bump.
• 34:10
  Speaker A: Right. We shouldn't allow it to. Does anybody want the fun facts? Does anybody give a shit? DM us if you want the fun facts or the episode summary. If not. All right. Go fuck yourself. There we go. Okay, honestly, just start with the three buckets. That's all I would do. No other work. Don't watch any movies, don't do anything. Wake up in the morning. Sort one day's worth of worry into control, influence, observe and see how lopsided it is. That's the whole homework assignment, Nothing else. All I want you to Do. Don't watch any television shows. Okay.
• 34:37
  Speaker B: All right. And then I guess just remember these little details that seem sort of sophisticated, but. So first, I know we started this episode saying that this is, like, what we should care about episode, but really, it's about what we should be getting our attention to.
• 34:48
  Speaker A: Yes. Way better.
• 34:49
  Speaker B: Like, how much you should care about things, because caring is just what attention feels like once it's landed somewhere.
• 34:55
  Speaker A: I like that. Yes.
• 34:56
  Speaker B: Second, your brain evolved for a village for about 150 people, and it still treats global information like it's local and urgent because it never really got the software update that it doesn't compute like that anymore. Third, almost everything competing for your attention is a business on purpose, and outrage and comparison are the cheapest products to manufacture.
• 35:15
  Speaker A: Oh, Jesus. Totally.
• 35:16
  Speaker B: Fourth, negativity bias means bad news will always feel more important than the good news, even when it isn't. And finally, attention has an opportunity cost. Every yes to bucket three is a no to your actual life, and you don't get these units back. So choose wisely.
• 35:29
  Speaker A: You do not. I like that. It was very sage. Very sage. Y. At the end there. Job well done. Well, there you have it. Dear listeners. We came into this thinking. The question was whether we care too much. We're leaving knowing. The real question is whether we're caring on purpose if we did our job today, you're not walking away trying to care less. The world needs people who care deeply. You're walking away trying to care deliberately, intentionally, which is a completely different thing. As always, hit subscribe, leave us a review and share it with a friend who's exhausted for reasons they can't explain. Tell them to check which bucket they've been living in. Until next time. Stay curious, stay deliberate, and spend your attention like it's something valuable, because it is, and it's the only thing that you actually own.