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When Your Nerves Skate With Them — Managing Your Own Anxiety as a Parent · The Nadia Chapman Show

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Hey everyone, welcome back to the Nadia Chapman Show, the figure skaters edition.
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Today, I want to talk about a very special group of people.
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The one standing quietly in the bleachers or by the wall, coffee in hand,
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getting up at four or five in the morning to drive to the rink,
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managing lessons, finances, competitions,
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ordering dresses, all that fun stuff.
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The people trying to breathe and stay calm as their child step onto the ice to achieve big things.
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You've guessed it. This episode is for you skating parents.
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You might not be wearing the skates, but I know that your heart is out there
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performing with your child every single time.
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So I call this episode when your nerves skate with them, because as a mindset
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coach, I can tell you what you're feeling is completely normal and completely manageable.
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So together today, we're going to unpack what's really happening,
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why your body reacts the way it does, and how you can regulate your own nervous
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system so you become the steady, confident anchor your skater needs most.
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When your skater competes or perform or test, your brain interprets it as it's
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your own performance too.
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And this is called vicarious anxiety, the psychological response that we experience
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when someone that we care so much about is under pressure.
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You'll feel your heart rate increase, your palms get sweaty,
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your mind starts spinning out of control and predicting outcomes.
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And you just feel that tension in your body because you care so deeply.
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And you are also, within reason, understandably, very invested in this as well,
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but also because you also have no control in that moment.
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And that, that loss of control is the true trigger of that anxiety that you're feeling.
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So your nervous system doesn't distinguish between your child performing and
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you performing in that moment.
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To your body, it's the same deal. It's the same stress response.
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The goal isn't to eliminate that feeling. The goal is to retrain your system
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so it recognizes the difference between stress and support. Because your child
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doesn't just hear what you say.
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Your child feels what you radiate. And I know that if you, like me.
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Grew up doing a sport, you felt and you sensed when your parents were nervous,
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even if they tried to pretend they were calm.
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The energy transfer is a real thing, guys.
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In sports psychology, we call this emotional contagion.
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So it's that invisible little transfer of emotion and energy between people.
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And in high-pressure sports, like figure skating, it's incredibly powerful.
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Children or emotional mirror...
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I don't even know if my mom is listening to this podcast. I doubt it.
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She used to pretend she was calm and she was so nervous that sometimes she would make me feel nervous.
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So that was energy transfer. It's not her fault.
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She didn't mean it. But I could sense sometimes that she was very nervous because
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she wanted me to succeed so badly.
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Children are emotional mirrors. So they will pick up on the subtle little cues.
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So a parent's breathing. What are they doing? What are they saying? How are they walking?
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They'll even pick up on micro movements of tension.
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So when you feel anxious, even
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if you're trying to hide it, your child can pick up that stress signal.
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And obviously, it can affect their focus, their confidence, and their body coordination.
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And that's why your self-regulation isn't selfish. It's absolutely essential.
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Your calm becomes their emotional blueprint. And before they take the ice,
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your skater needs to feel one thing from you, and that's stability.
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Not perfection, not all the hype, not pressure, especially not pressure, just stability.
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So I'm going to tell you, the first step in regulating any performance anxiety,
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whether you're an athlete or a parent, is awareness.
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You need to start noticing what
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happens in your body. Are your shoulders tense? Do you hold your breath?
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Maybe your heart is racing. Maybe your thoughts are racing. And these are your nervous system's cues.
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I'm going to tell you, yes, fight or flight. The antidote to that is conscious grounding.
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You're not going to go fight a lion. Your children's not out there fighting
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a lion. I know there's a lot at stake, but that's how we response.
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Fight or flight mode.
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So take three deep, slow breaths.
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Learn to breathe, guys. Inhale for five, hold for five, exhale for seven.
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It does wonder. It is so stupid and simple, but I do it all the time if I'm
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nervous at competition and it really works. It helps me feel grounded and relaxed.
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Feel your feet on the floor, drop your shoulders and try it.
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What that does is that it activates your parasympathetic nervous system,
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the rest and regulate response. And that response is what brings you back to
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your body, back into balance, back into the moment.
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So repeat quietly in your mind, this is their moment.
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My job is to believe, not to control. Say that in your mind as you let go and
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exhale in your breathing.
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That simple little sentence can redirect your brain from fear to trust.
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That's where you need to be. Another powerful mindset shift that I teach parents
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and coaches is called detached presence.
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It means staying deeply supportive without tying your emotion state to the outcome.
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You can care, you can encourage, you can love, but you don't merge with your child's experience.
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Why? Because when you over-identify, your emotional rollercoaster becomes theirs.
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Detachment doesn't mean that you don't care. It actually means trust.
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Trust in their preparation, in their coaches, in their training.
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Trust in their own ability to handle success or setbacks.
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Because when you watch from a place of detached presence, your own energy becomes
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calm and grounded and unshakable.
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And your child sensed that. They learn emotional regulation through modeling.
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So they see how you're handling the situation, how you're breathing,
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how you handle uncertainty and how you recover from stress. And that becomes
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their own internal script for handling pressure too.
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Isn't that amazing? I hope you're following me. And you know what? This is a podcast.
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So save this podcast, share it with other parents, download it to your phone,
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and come back to it so you can really learn how to use all these techniques
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at your own advantage. It takes time, but you can do it.
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Another trick I have in my toolbox is called reframing the performance moment.
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Before a big skate, before a big competition, before a big event,
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try shifting your own inner dialogue.
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So instead of thinking, oh my God, please don't fall. Please don't fall.
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Please don't fall. Try, I'm curious to see how they handle this moment.
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So curiosity replaced the fear with openness. So it moves you from protecting,
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protecting them from life, protecting them from having setbacks to allowing
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them to experience life.
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So every performance is an opportunity for growth, not just for your skater, but for you as a parent.
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When you stay calm and observant, you create emotional safety for them.
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And emotional safety is the number one predictor of long-term athletic confidence.
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Can that be the writer downer for today? Ha! Emotional safety is the number
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one predictor of long-term athletic performance. Ha!
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And you want to get more practical strategies for competition day?
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I've got some stuff for you parents.
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Number one, the breathing reset. So before warm up, before the scores come out,
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before any high stress moment, take 90 seconds for conscious breathing.
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Use the 4-2-6 pattern or the 5-5-7 pattern.
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Your exhale should always be longer.
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That's what signals safety in your brain.
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Okay, number two, anchor phrase. Have one go-to mantra you can repeat quietly.
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Example, my calm is their calm, or they've done the work, or whatever happens today, we're okay.
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It keeps you focused on stability, not on the results.
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Number three, post-performance grace. No immediate analysis,
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no dissecting the jumps and the score and the program and who did what. None of that.
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Just a hug, just a smile, or I love watching you skate.
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Let them come to you, okay?
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The calm post-performance environment really helps their own nervous system
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recover and build long-term emotional resilience.
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I'm going to tell you, after years of coaching and observing thousands of skaters,
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I can tell you something with absolute certainty.
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The skaters who thrive long-term aren't necessarily the most talented.
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They're the one who feel emotionally safe at home and at the rink. And that's true.
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When a parent provides this constant calm energy, regardless of the outcomes,
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the athlete's brain learns that pressure doesn't equal panic. It equals possibility.
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And that's when performance soars. And your role as a parent is not to fix,
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to direct, or to protect them from discomfort.
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It's not the way it works. Your role is to hold a space for them with confidence,
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compassion, and curiosity.
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That's what allows them to take emotional risk, to fail forward,
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and to grow into not just better athletes, but emotionally intelligent and resilient humans.
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And I'm going to tell you, sometimes things don't go as planned.
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Even for the best skaters out there, things don't always go as planned. Every parent's...
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Dreads the fall, the disappointing score and the tears.
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And when that happens, you need to breathe before you react.
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You need to learn to calm yourself before you open your mouth.
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Your child's nervous system is already on high alert.
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So they don't need more input. They don't need you to go yickety-yackety-yack in their ears.
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They need your calm. They need you to stay grounded.
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So offer presence over perspective, okay?
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Later, once emotions settle, you can gently reflect on what they've learned
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and what happened on the ice.
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Because the grow doesn't come from being perfect all the time.
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It comes from emotional recovery, you know, falling, getting up, do it again, keep going.
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And you, as the parents, you are a role model and the first teacher of recovery. It's a big deal.
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Now, let's look at the big picture before we wrap this up.
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Here's something I believe deeply. Skating isn't just shaping your child.
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Surprise, it's also shaping you. Every competition, every early morning practice.
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Every setback is an invitation for your own growth and patience and surrender and self-trust.
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Your child's journey on the ice mirrors your own evolution.
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It's a shared experience in courage and also in letting go.
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So next time that your nerves start to freak out and you start to skate with
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them, remind yourself that this is co-regulation moment.
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They're learning confidence from your calm and you're learning surrender from their process.
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That's the beauty of sports. It transforms everyone that's involved, everyone it touches.
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So, amazing skating parents, as you watch from the bleachers or stand by the
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wall, and your heart is racing, and your coffee is cooling in your hand,
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take a deep breath and just whisper to yourself, my calm is my confidence, my trust is my freedom.
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Because when you manage that energy, you give your skater the best possible
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environment to thrive, emotionally, mentally, and athletically.
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If today's episode resonate with you, please share.
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Share with another skating parents who are struggling with stress and anxiety
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over their kids' performance.
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And if you would like to explore this a little bit more deeply, I do coaching.
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I do workshop. I've got mindset tools designated specifically for parents to
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help you support your skater and yourself from a place of calm,
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confidence, and connection.
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That's what we want. More connection. Thank you so much for listening and for
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being the kind of parent who's not only raising an athlete, but raising a whole grounded human being.
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If you're listening to this, it shows how much you care.
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And I appreciate you being here with me right now.
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Thanks for listening, and I'll catch you on the next podcast.