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How To Host A Weekly Family Meal That Your Kids Will Want To Bring Their Kids To 20 Years From Now · The Family Teams Podcast

• 0:00
  The thing that's so powerful, you guys, is over time, it gets better and better and richer and richer, but you have to keep going. That's why we're so big into making this sustainable, because your best moments around this table are going to be years from now. But you're going to lay that groundwork when your kids are young. Our goal was always to create the kind of meal that our kids, when they have kids, could not imagine missing if they were in town. Almost like I can't wait to have kids just so they could be at this table.
• 0:29
  Welcome back to the Family Teams podcast. This month we are talking about the multi-generational family meal. The goal that Jeremy talked about last time was we want three generations at one table, one time per week. That's the goal that we're shooting for long term. But the problem is that most families, when they try something new, or at least when my family tries something new, we'll feel good, we'll do it for a couple weeks, and then it quietly starts to kind of fall by the wayside. And maybe something new will take its place.
• 0:55
  So today what we're going to be talking about is how do we build this into a real pillar of our family life? Not just like a flash in the pan, but something that we do week in and week out and becomes like a wellspring of life for our family for years and years. So we're talking about sustainability. So Jeremy, fast forward 20, 30 years from now, what does this look like when it actually lasts? What makes this sustainable for a family in the long term?
• 1:18
  Yeah, it all comes down to what do you do on the weeks when you don't want to do this? You don't have the energy. Is it going to be this massive lift? And you're just going to say, guys, this is not worth it. You just don't have it today because we've just made it too complicated. And oftentimes that happens because families design this around their ideal week. If everything's going amazing, we're going to cap it off with this amazing meal.
• 1:39
  But how often do you have your ideal week where everything's amazing? It's like very rare. And of course, you have those really hard weeks. And often in those really difficult weeks, that's when you need this the most. And so it's really important for you to figure out how to make this sustainable, how to find the easy button on the hard weeks. And so we need to talk through like what are the ways to ensure that...
• 2:01
  no matter what's going on in your family's life, we're going to establish this as a regular tradition. It doesn't mean that you absolutely keep it every single week, but on a normal week, on a normal hard week, you keep this tradition. And part of what you have to understand about family tradition is that when you repeat something, that's when it becomes a part of the culture, and that's when it's maximally impactful. If you are constantly starting and stopping or forgetting, then you're sort of like...
• 2:27
  demonstrating to your family that our family culture is really not that important. A lot of other things are really important. You think about all the things that you do, whether you like it or not, go to work, you know, in education, whatever you guys might do. This has got to be one of those things. If this is going to be a keystone to your family's culture. Yeah. Jeff, what do you think actually turns this from a short term habit into a long term family institution?
• 2:52
  I'd give three tips. I think the first one is give ownership to the children or the entire family. Because it's very easy to leave a tradition when you are not needed in that tradition. It's hard to leave a tradition when you are needed in that tradition. And that could be something is this kid brings the song. This kid sets the table. This kid helps with the dinner. This kid thinks of the game and so on. But when it's that identity and that role every single week, it actually does something really beautiful in the family and it's not a good thing.
• 3:18
  and it makes everyone sticky to get to the table. It kind of makes the table sticky and magnetic, and they stay for a long time, week over week over week. Number two, I would say, have a menu of greatest hits to make it sustainable. And so this can be something really, really awesome and really lofty. Like, for me, I always do the best and the biggest meals those weeks, and there's a few that are the greatest hits, whether it's me getting a tomahawk steak and doing these duck fat roasted potatoes, and I could talk about food forever, so that'd be me. But I also know friends that have done this in, like, a pizza way.
• 3:45
  meaning like they call it Fun Friday, and they order pizza, but only on Fridays. They watch a movie, but only on Fridays. And so there's kind of this greatest hits element to that meal that it's not on all the other days, but they're also choosing something that's sustainable. And so the meals that I make or what our friends do,
• 4:01
  You know what to expect, so you're not using brain power to reinvent the wheel every single Friday. And then I would say number three, try not to miss the tradition, and when you do, do fun, whimsical, tiny little things to tie you to the tradition when you miss it or when you're gone. So for example, if you're traveling,
• 4:17
  then just mention Sabbath or go around the table and say what you're thankful for or light a candle on the candle app or light an actual candle or tell a story. But tether yourself to the ritual, even in the days when you can't do it fully, and you'll find that actually keeps you tied to it really richly.
• 4:33
  That's really good. Okay, so if you're listening right now, and you're like, okay, but what do I actually do? Go to familyteams.com slash meal. We have a step by step PDF on how to start and kind of deepen into this process. We talk about sustainability, we talk about meaning, we talk about fun. So make sure you download that familyteams.com slash meal. Jeremy, if sustainability is the goal, what should families stop trying to do at the dinner table, in your opinion?
• 4:59
  Yeah, you want to have kind of that plan A and plan B. So if you only have plan A, you got to also figure out, okay, what is that thing? Is it paper plates? Is it pizza? Is it takeout? Is there something we can do to make sure, I love how Jeff put it, just tether ourselves to the tradition and make sure that we're not forgetting those things. Another thing you have to kind of keep your eye out for, if you're repeating this, if you're really, and I would say if you guys are getting into like 2026 and we're like, we're really trying to make this a regular tradition. Yeah.
• 5:24
  You want to be watching out for those things that are easy and kind of high on the wow. That's going to be your golden spot for things that are sustainable, things that are really hard and are wow. You're not going to do those during the hard weeks. You know, things that are that are easy, but you know, like those are going to actually build family culture. But sometimes we find these things that are like.
• 5:47
  That was really easy. And everyone was blown away when I went and picked up donuts on the way home. Everyone was like freaking out, like this is the coolest meal ever. Like just learn what those things are and repeat them. A lot of times they're around particular kinds of food, particular kinds of experiences, certain questions you can ask at the table, stories at the table, things that might be easier that allow everyone to enter in and have an experience and have that kind of power of that moment. And yeah.
• 6:13
  As you learn those things, you simply say, OK, how do we make that a regular part? And again, if it was really easy, that's the stuff you really want to fall back on on those really hard weeks. Now I know how to craft an experience for my family that they're going to really enjoy and it's not going to be a lot of work. That's excellent. That's really good. April, give us a mom's perspective as you think about sustainability.
• 6:38
  Yeah, I think before Jeremy started doing the cooking for the Shabbat meal, it was up to me. And that was super overwhelming for me. So I just got the like pre-cut vegetables.
• 6:53
  And even the pre-cut meat at the store and threw it in a crock pot to have kind of like a pot roast. It wasn't like the most, you know, top-notch meal, but it was different than what we do throughout the week and was something I could just add to my grocery list to get every single week.
• 7:09
  So some kind of crock pot meal, if you're starting off ordering pizza, some some families have it be the night they make pizza. So just having something like I like what Jeff said, you just have these like go to meals. So like you crack the code on two or three meals, you're not reinventing the wheel every week.
• 7:28
  and you're kind of like have it on repeat, that's helpful. I think that when it comes to like decor or something, if you want to do something to set it apart, to me when Jeremy was first suggesting a tablecloth, I was like, what, more laundry? Like that's how I heard he wanted cloth napkins and a tablecloth. And I'm like, that's more laundry, that's more work for me.
• 7:49
  So at first I was very upset by that, but then it really was like, okay, it's not that much more work. One tablecloth, six napkins in the laundry, you know. So just kind of letting my expectations kind of become more flexible. And then the idea of having the kids get involved in different ways just helps it be sustainable, actually. You know, we've had everything from like a kid who's learning the instrument, learning how to play the song that we sing every week.
• 8:18
  on their instrument. We have four daughters, so a lot of them like to dress up for Shabbat. And those kinds of things actually make it more sustainable because the kids are helping you carry the weight of putting the event on with their energy and their excitement. It's
• 8:33
  This week, I'm going to wear this dress at Shabbat or things like that. So they're more willing to help when they're excited and happy. And then I think cleanup is another big thing. So pretty soon we learned that if this is going to be a meal that's kind of set apart and it's going to be enjoyable, I'm going to need help cleaning up. So even from the little people out.
• 8:55
  And it kind of gave us something to train towards, too. Like, that's when we were like, oh, it'd be really great if the kids could actually help us clean up during the week, too. But so having a dance party is what we did early on to make the cleanup more sustainable and more fun. So I think that the...
• 9:13
  The meal, the decor, and then the actual cleanup and the prep. You do have to work to rest. And so learning how to figure out what that can mean. But it doesn't have to be a big, huge production every week either. Crack a few codes, do the work to figure out a couple things, and then just having it on repeat is totally great when you're first starting off.
• 9:37
  Yeah, I think we really overestimate how much novelty is necessary. I think that creating new dimensions is very unsustainable. And then just doing the same thing over and over again, if it's good, I think that's the key to sustainability. Like in our family, we have winter mode and summer mode. So summer mode is outside at the picnic table and it's a specific meal. Winter mode is inside at the dinner table with candles and a specific meal. And we only kind of have two Shabbats. And that I think has really helped us on the sustainability side. So talking to that, I think that you're right that
• 10:07
  I think we think that things need to feel really new, but in reality, it's the things that are the same every week. That's actually what drills down the memory for kids. Jeff, talk to me about maybe the sustainability killers you've seen and maybe remedies to those.
• 10:23
  Yeah, I think we've hit a few of them prominently. Just for repeating sake, I'll make that the first one. But I think, yeah, don't do everything yourself. Pass around things to the team. But I would say two kind of interesting new ones I would say is make sure you don't miss the forest for the trees. And so this is for a particular personality that tends to care so much about getting the ritual right. They're pissy and grumpy and start being mean to everyone. And then the meal wasn't fun. Do you know what I'm saying? And that is a very particular type of personality that does that. Maybe I'm talking to myself just a little bit.
• 10:48
  where I want to nail the details so well that sometimes I can actually be like, oh, all the whole reason we are here is to be here. To be together. To be one. To laugh. To love. To serve. To tell stories. And sometimes you can be so strict or rigid about what you're trying to do in regards to orchestrating the moment that it can actually kill the moment. So I would just say, man, just be open, especially if you have little kids, and just allow it to be what it is and count it a grace that you get to be together and meet around a meal.
• 11:14
  And then I would say number three is something you just alluded to, Blake, but something that we always try to talk to, too, is marry the meal to one more activity after the meal. And what I mean by that is, at least for us, we've realized it is a decent amount of work to kind of elevate this meal, and we love it. It's a blast, and it feels sustainable. But it does feel like there was a season where it felt like a killer of like, oh, it was awesome, especially with little kids, but for only like 20 minutes, because we're not at that age yet where we're lingering around the table and drinking wine and telling stories for three hours. And we are a little bit now, but certainly not much earlier. Yeah.
• 11:44
  And I realized what we had to do is this was kind of a big high, and then it was just like, and we're done. And what I realized, especially with Littles, but even now, is marry the meal to one more fun activity, and that can be a dance party in the kitchen for cleanup. That can be a game night in the... Meaning you're transitioning immediately to the game night in the living room. Or what you just alluded to is exactly... I didn't realize we do this, but this is what we do, Blake, is six months out of the year, we immediately are going outside for a walk or scootering or biking.
• 12:11
  And the other six months, we are immediately going to the coffee table for like banana grams or code names or a card game. And what that does is that's extended the night now where now almost every Friday night, there's three, four, sometimes five plus hours where we are just lingering, hanging out, laughing and having fun. When I was trying to force all that into the table, it now just goes throughout the night because we've seen it as marry the meal to another activity after. Oh, that's super good. Yeah, Jeremy, Sustainability 101, any tips that you've got?
• 12:41
  Yeah, I think one of the things that hits me is you're probably going to have a really bad meal experience at some point early on. Your expectations will be high. It doesn't deliver. People are really grumpy. And you realize, oh, man.
• 12:56
  man, and people in those moments can, can end the entire tradition. And there's so much at stake here. And so I just want to encourage you guys that you're probably going to have at least one really tough. We're just going to have to be like, okay, I'm calling it. We're done. But you can't then not try again the next week, like dust yourself off.
• 13:14
  and recover and figure out how do we enter in better? Is there some little improvement? The thing that's so powerful you guys is things that repeat like this, you can crack these codes. You can figure this stuff out over time. It gets better and better and richer and richer, but you have to keep going.
• 13:29
  That's why we're so big into making this sustainable, because your best moments around this table are going to be years from now. But you're going to lay that groundwork when your kids are young. You're going to. And what our goal was always to create the kind of meal that our kids, when they have kids, could not imagine missing if they were in town, that they would be like, I almost like I can't wait to have kids just so they could be at this table.
• 13:53
  Like, and we definitely did not start there. But over time, as we just kept figuring out little elements, oh, wow, let's try that. Let's get that, you know. And again, there were times early on where we just, it was miserable. And we just were like, that was bad. Like, and if you start associating a rhythm with...
• 14:12
  failure. And that's what the enemy wants to do is just kind of like, he wants to like cut this off before it really has an opportunity to transform your entire family's culture and make it incredibly meaningful and beautiful. But you have to be able to look at those particular weeks and move on and find ways to get better and better at creating this tradition. It is a practice. It does take, it does take time to understand how to do this and how to make this
• 14:42
  from the bad experiences. Oh, that's excellent. April, I want you to picture in your mind, young mother, maybe two or three kids, five and under. She's in those days. If she's hearing this and beginning to feel the piling on of responsibility of like, this is one more thing, what do you say to her in this moment?
• 15:03
  I would say relax. You also are setting the tone just like the husband does, but you, your facial expressions and your ability to take the relaxation away from the table is very high. So I would just encourage you to relax and just do what you can and then try again the next week.
• 15:29
  And I would say in a moment where you're feeling like throughout the week, a moment when you're feeling a little bit like you took a deep breath, you feel like your mind is clear. Maybe you'll come up with an idea that will help the next one be a little bit better. And you can just make tiny little tweaks.
• 15:48
  you can think ahead a little bit more that will help you be more prepared for the next time. So taking advantage of those clear moments throughout the week leading up to another one of these family meals to kind of,
• 16:03
  remember what it was like last week. Because what I would do is I would have the same thing, but I wouldn't, the same frustration would happen. And I would have forgotten that it happened the week before and then not do anything about it and just have the same frustrating thing happen every dinner. So trying to get to the place where you're taking advantage of the clear moments in your week to prevent that from happening the next week.
• 16:29
  That's great. That's really helpful. Okay. So if you want the playbook for running the family meal and you're listening right now and you're like, okay, I want to take the first step, go to familyteams.com slash meal. And then actually what we're going to be doing is next month, we're going to be spending a whole month on this topic.
• 16:45
  We're actually bringing in another family to talk through how they do it. And so in the Family Teams Accelerator, this is a group that we meet twice a month online and kind of try to acquire these skills into our families over time. So if that's interesting to you, go to familyteams.com and you can check out the Family Teams Accelerator where we can kind of talk through what that looks like.
• 17:06
  I think that's it for this week. Next week, we're going to be talking about bringing meaning to the meal. We've talked about fun. We talked about sustainability. Now we're talking about how do we make this a meaningful tradition. So looking forward to seeing you guys there. Thank you, April, Jeremy, Jeff, and we will see you next week. Thanks.
• 17:24
  Thank you for listening to the Family Teams podcast. If you're enjoying this content or have learned something new, please make sure to leave a rating and review and share with a friend. To stay up to date with our events, new content, and products, you can follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Family Teams.