Latest / What Tha Group Chat Say / Let’s Talk Co-Parenting… Because It’s Not Easy

Transcript

Let’s Talk Co-Parenting… Because It’s Not Easy · What Tha Group Chat Say

0:00
Vonnie: Welcome to What tha group Chat Say the podcast where the group chat.
0:03
Finally got a mic.
0:05
We're three friends in our forties talking about life, friendships, relationships, and everything we didn't see coming in this decade.
0:11
I'm Vonnie here with Keya and Drea,
0:14
And on today's episode,
0:16
We had another question from the group chat reacts that we thought deserved its own episode Today.
0:21
It's all about co-parenting.
0:23
On the group chat reacts, I have another question from of our listeners, and it goes like this.
0:33
What is your opinion on different co-parenting when one parent is getting married and their partner has a say but the other parent isn't good with that?
0:45
drea: Ooh.
0:47
Keya: You took the words right outta my mouth.
0:49
Ooh.
0:50
So would it
0:52
drea: Yeah, I'll let you go first.
0:56
Keya: So the, i, the angle I would ask, or the first question I would ask is, other parent, does it have a say so as in if the child can be in the wedding or the other spouse?
1:14
So that's kind of vague because I feel like if
1:20
drea: does she bring up the wedding?
1:22
Like what was, read the question again.
1:24
Vonnie: they brought,
1:25
drea: I think they're just saying like they're getting married.
1:27
Vonnie: getting married.
1:27
So now
1:28
drea: that person is now part of decision making in the household?
1:32
I think that's what the question is saying
1:34
Vonnie: doesn't.
1:35
Yes.
1:35
They don't like that.
1:37
So how are you getting through
1:38
drea: like, for instance, if I'm getting married, how would my son's father feel about it?
1:41
So can you've experienced this?
1:43
Keya: Oh,
1:44
drea: you've been married with kids.
1:46
Right?
1:48
Keya: So for me, with someone else um, having a say so in raising the children, I always establish that discipline was mine.
2:03
And as far as discipline, it's like physical punishment.
2:07
Like you may tell them to do something you can.
2:12
Tell them go clean their rooms or anything like that.
2:15
Like you can even put them on punishment.
2:17
But as far as the physical discipline or anything like that, don't touch my kids because I never touched his kids.
2:26
just don't believe in that.
2:27
'cause you're not their other parent.
2:32
drea: And so that would be the same for, because think about it, you've experienced this on both sides.
2:36
'cause like your ex-husband, didn't he get married again too?
2:40
Keya: yep,
2:41
drea: Okay.
2:42
And your kids were still younger?
2:44
Right.
2:44
Keya: still were younger.
2:46
drea: Okay.
2:46
Keya: were.
2:48
drea: did you guys have a conversation about this?
2:50
Like when you decided to get married again or have someone in your house did you guys ever have this conversation about what's the expectation?
3:00
As both of you're bringing someone in your household and you guys have children, did you guys have that conversation or no?
3:06
Keya: the funny thing is I don't think we ever sat down and had like a hard heart to heart talk because I think the first one knew that no, you're not gonna put your hands on my children.
3:23
So he didn't have to have that talk with me because that was the type of mother I was.
3:29
But for him, because.
3:33
didn't trust his judgment.
3:35
I did tell him not ever in her life, put hands on my kids.
3:45
better always handle it.
3:47
he never had that, like, it wasn't a reciprocal conversation.
3:50
So, then I think
3:53
drea: Just the unspoken understanding.
3:56
Keya: yes, a
3:57
drea: Okay.
3:58
Keya: And then I think what made it easier, for the, my second husband was the fact that the first one walked out, like gone.
4:10
So there was no input needed because a, I was the full-time, parent.
4:20
I handled everything from A to Z so the other parent wasn't involved hands on.
4:31
So therefore when the second husband stepped in, it was just him and I raising kids.
4:40
if that makes sense.
4:42
drea: that totally makes sense because I raised my son.
4:44
I was that true definition of a single mother.
4:47
There was no options.
4:49
'cause mine lived outta state.
4:51
And so I will say that some women will say they're single, but yet their son's father or daughter's father pick their asses up every other week or have them every week.
5:01
So it's like, are you single?
5:02
Are you co-parenting?
5:03
I think that that's important for us to talk about too, is what is people's definition of co-parenting?
5:09
Because I don't feel I ever had a co-parent because he left outta state.
5:15
As my son got older, they had conversations, but still it was my house, my rules.
5:19
Right.
5:20
and I think that some people also need to know that, you're co-parenting if you're broke up and your kids are seeing each other, their parents, you guys are co-parenting like two different households, rules, punishment that may start at my house needs to continue at their house.
5:37
Like things like that in conversations and healthy co-parenting.
5:41
I think it's important for people to, if you don't know about co-parenting, you should really read up on it and like the foundation because it's really helpful with children.
5:49
and then you're really not co-parenting if the other parents obsolete, if that makes sense.
5:54
but then like I said people get in relationships.
5:57
So what would you say, Keya, with the question of do you feel like the other person who's having an issue with the co-parenting, 'cause they're getting married, would you say like in a healthy co-parenting, they should have a conversation on what discipline looks like, what the involvement of the other parent looks like?
6:16
Or would you think also that if the other parent's having a hard time, they still might like the parent who's getting married?
6:22
There's so many thoughts that are coming to my head about this question.
6:26
Keya: So for me personally, I, feel like parents involved should be on the same page when it comes to the children.
6:36
So if you're gonna go into a healthy co-parenting situation, you have to realize that you won't be in that other parent's home.
6:49
So you can't tell that other parent that their spouse, can't be involved in the everyday raising, especially if that spouse is taking them to sports practices or recitals or anything that our children had to do.
7:12
You can't now look at me and say, this person that I'm marrying has no say so in.
7:20
Their every day to day, especially if I am the co custodial parent.
7:27
Like, you don't get to tell me that this person, doesn't have input into what it is that our children should be doing,
7:39
drea: Right, because there is a level of respect that you kids have to have, and I want people to hear that.
7:47
When you do find a significant other that is not the parent of your child and you start dating those children have to learn to respect them.
7:57
And that doesn't mean physical, but they need to respect them.
8:01
And when you cause them to have some type of confusion or a potential manipulation of, I ain't gotta listen to you 'cause you ain't my daddy, I ain't gotta listen to you 'cause you ain't showing my mama there causes problems there and then there starts causing problems within the house because children become teenagers that are assholes who can manipulate.
8:20
And you see this a lot when there's two parents, two different households, rules and stuff.
8:25
Kids will manipulate if they can get away with something.
8:28
There's always one parent or one household that might be stricter than the other.
8:32
So I think like what you're saying is very important, people need to understand that, is that there is a fine line with the other parent needing to be involved.
8:42
And the respect that needs to be built.
8:46
Keya: I absolutely agree because you have to at least be able to come to the table because Drea, you alluded to it earlier, that if I'm giving a punishment here, then I need that to continue.
9:02
So before my boys' parent walked out, it was, they had cell phones and they had gotten it taken because they hadn't something at the house.
9:17
And the second husband was like, yo, we need to nip this in the bud because they're not going to learn their lesson about this.
9:27
So like, you need to take this privilege away 'cause they're not listening, they're not, you know what I'm saying?
9:34
Keya boys need X, Y, and Z and you know, you gotta get harder in this stance.
9:39
And I was like, okay.
9:42
So we took the phones and I told Voldemort, yo, don't give the kids the phones, but you can come pick them.
9:56
up because you know what I'm saying?
9:58
They were in school and just when they were at his house, 'cause no one had landlines anymore, that they would have a way to contact like if you had to run out to the store or whatever.
10:09
But you don't give them back the phones.
10:14
You, need to follow what we are on over here.
10:18
'cause they on punishment you know, it was a little bark and what it, yo, I'll just keep 'em and then we ain't even gotta deal with it.
10:31
'cause I need them to understand that is what they need to follow and I need you to get in line and
10:42
drea: each other as parents.
10:43
You gotta back each other.
10:44
Absolutely.
10:46
Keya: And because the first didn't like the second and he let, the, situation of manipulation creep in, like you said because they knew, well my daddy don't like him anyway so we ain't gotta do it.
11:04
So then it is like, when they came home, I always had to reprogram yo, what you not about to do is buck up at this house.
11:14
You're not gonna do that.
11:16
We were not doing that.
11:19
So it was reprogramming.
11:22
And then as hard as to say, like the other one moved to another state, just stepped out and act like my kids didn't exist, it was easier for me because then now just me and now they're stepparent and we had it on lock.
11:46
So, if you, you guys aren't going into the co-parenting situation supporting one another, only going to harm the children like Drea said.
11:58
And it's only gonna create situations where they are pitting one against the other and they are going to pull those little strings because they're assholes at a certain point.
12:13
Like Drea said, well, I don't wanna live with you no more, and I wanna go.
12:18
So it creates those scenarios.
12:21
So support one another, just like we learned in all of our divorce, If you're divorced from that other parent, like when they had us take those parenting classes, that's very helpful information.
12:34
Be on one accord so y'all all can raise
12:38
drea: I mean
12:38
Keya: healthy children.
12:39
drea: 'cause I had to take that to get child support.
12:42
but you know, I, I think that like, even though my son's father lived outta state, when he did talk to my son on the phone, it was a bitch fest about me and I would hear it and I had to be the bigger person.
12:56
And as my son's gotten older, I've seen to where it's affected him and I would see to where he would, when he would get upset when he was younger, he would say shit to me that his dad would say.
13:08
And that's when I started first picking up on it.
13:10
And I never wanted to take that privilege away from talking to his parent 'cause that's his parent.
13:15
But although his dad was not in state, I suffered, like I suffered a lot.
13:21
Stuff that was said to my son about me, especially when my son was upset.
13:25
So even with a father resigning outta state, the manipulation would happen because he wanted to be the cool dad or his dad, had issues with me.
13:34
And so when I did need to discipline him, or we had some problems in the house and he happened to talk to his dad, oh, let me tell you, I was a shitty person.
13:44
so even in those situations, it can go south, and it can be hard.
13:48
'cause like you said, you gotta reprogram them, you know what I'm saying?
13:51
You have to
13:52
Keya: Yes.
13:52
drea: teach them or show them why you're doing what you're doing because you don't have the backing of the other parents.
13:59
So the backing I think is very important.
14:03
Keya: is very important,
14:05
drea: I know Siobhan, I know that you're not really saying much 'cause you don't, you don't have, you know, children over your own, but you are an aunt.
14:11
and I think that that's another form of parenting when you have your siblings children, right?
14:17
but also you've seen some ugly, jealous, situations, within people that, I don't wanna say particular 'cause I don't, know, how they feel about that, but like you've seen just as an aunt, right?
14:32
Where, Bad co-parenting or where a woman possibly still cares for that man and is giving them a run for the money 'cause they moved on.
14:40
I know you've, you've seen that, and that could possibly be something you could talk on 'cause you've seen it personally.
14:47
And, and I think this conversation, like this question kind of goes to that is, you know, what if it's because they're jealous or they're mad because you found someone,
14:58
Vonnie: Yeah.
14:59
I was just gonna say, while listening to you guys, someone who just has dog you hear a lot about dog mom and all that stuff.
15:05
Like, look, there's no comparison.
15:08
I mean, the things that you all have to go through, the puppy phase is one thing, but it's, you're not raising anything.
15:16
Like, let's calm our jets and let's stay in our lane.
15:18
You can't be like, well, I'm a dog mom.
15:20
I understand.
15:20
No, you don't.
15:21
you don't.
15:22
Because we don't have to deal with any of this stuff.
15:24
Keya: Can I just I love that you say that because some of the pretentious people that I have come across with, I'm a pet parent, and it's the same the fuck it is.
15:41
So I love that you
15:42
Vonnie: Not even
15:43
drea: listen, my pet ain't talking back to me like that.
15:46
my pet might piss me off 'cause they might have shit or they shouldn't have because I was mean to them or I ignored them.
15:52
My pet ain't straight out having an opinion talking shit to me, you know what I'm saying?
15:57
And think that they trying to grow up and body about it 'cause they know everything about life.
16:02
Keya: Girl, listen, listen.
16:04
A pet gonna bark.
16:07
kids bark and then you gotta bark louder.
16:11
I'm glad you said that, but go ahead.
16:13
Vonnie: Like I don't, that's why I was like, I don't, you know, the parents have this conversation and I don't even know, like you said, I've seen it third party, but I think anybody can see and witness that.
16:25
I don't know how it feels to be my brother to have a parent that doesn't like to co-parent, I would say in an amicable way, when if you're doing that and just reading that question, if you don't want them having a say so, just because of pettiness, not out of the goodness.
16:47
Of what is best for the child, then you need to fall back.
16:51
And I'm sure it's difficult.
16:53
I am sure nobody wants to see somebody.
16:55
Maybe they're still in love with moving on, just from a human level.
17:00
But it was what Keya said.
17:01
If it's not in the child's best interest, then you need to let it go.
17:07
And as hard as it is, and you know, Drea, you doing that with somebody who was abusive to you and still saying, you know what, it's in my son's best interest to have his own relationship with his father, regardless of how I feel about that man or how he treated me.
17:21
Like that's, that's a lot of work.
17:24
And so I can't even imagine.
17:25
drea: I will say this, I could not wait until my son became of age where I didn't have to answer the phone no more.
17:31
Not for my son, but for his father, for them to have a conversation.
17:35
Like it was like, amazing son has his own cell phone.
17:39
Call each other when you want to.
17:41
I ain't gotta be involved.
17:43
Vonnie: of it.
17:43
drea: I ain't gotta hear the bullshit, you know what I'm saying?
17:46
but then kids become teenagers and they don't wanna call their parent that's not with them, you know?
17:52
And then it's, I'm getting calls, why won't he answer me?
17:54
It's because of you.
17:55
And it's like, nah, bro, like fucking teenager.
17:57
He is at practice, he's at this, he's at this event.
18:00
Like, you know what I'm saying?
18:02
Like, come on now.
18:03
Like, I still gotta my, my son still to this day.
18:06
He, him and my sister got this problem.
18:08
like, I texted him yesterday.
18:10
He ain't text back still.
18:12
You know what I'm saying?
18:13
So,
18:14
Keya: they
18:14
drea: that started as a teenager.
18:17
Keya: I have a question for you.
18:19
in this co-parenting thing, have you had a situation
18:27
it was positive that you got to deal with other parents, significant other, where you guys had to talk about either a problem they seen with your son or, you know, it was, hey, or, I was thinking about doing this?
18:46
So like have you had an instance, where you've had to deal with the other spouse, like directly?
18:58
Did you guys put
19:00
drea: My son's father did get married.
19:02
I never had to meet her in person.
19:06
she, low key was always a bitch on the phone.
19:10
even when they first started dating, I did not even live in Arizona.
19:14
I mean in Texas.
19:15
I was in Arizona, like, why do you hate me so much?
19:18
Right?
19:19
I would say that I never had to deal with her on a level, because like, let me just give you an example.
19:29
He came to visit his son one time, and in his suitcase, she packed pictures of them and of her in his suitcase because he was coming to see his son and she knew he would see me.
19:45
Right.
19:46
Like,
19:47
Keya: Oh my
19:47
drea: so, their relationship also wasn't very healthy, you know what I'm saying?
19:50
But when my son was young and he would go out there, he never came back and said anything mean about her.
19:57
it was just maybe once that he did.
20:00
So I kind of, when he would go out there, I would kind of mind my business.
20:03
As long as I can get ahold of my son, I don't give two damns about nothing.
20:06
You know what I mean?
20:07
there was a few times where it was like, oh, well he's sleep, or he, girl, you better wake my kid up, you know, type of thing.
20:14
but I would say on as co-parenting, aside from the other spouse, just because like I said, their relationship was not healthy.
20:22
and I say that because like within years, like my son kind of stopped going out there at a young age, like my son had met like new girlfriends.
20:32
And then my son, I remember my son sitting on the staircase saying to his dad on the phone like, well, if my mom's a bad person, but you, you have like, you have a wife and a girlfriend, I don't think that's allowed.
20:44
so he, 'cause he met like the other girlfriends, That like when his wife and him would be separated, like his dad always had somebody, he had some codependency, but when my son did start getting older, me and his dad would have, we actually have better conversations now that he's been over 18.
20:59
when he was a teenager there'd be times where I'd call him and I'd be like, I fucking wish you had your shit together.
21:04
'cause this motherfucker right here, you know, we would have conversations and then he would, try to give support.
21:11
But it wasn't always great support.
21:13
'cause he didn't always back me because he had too much frustration and anger is still with himself for me.
21:18
But as my son got older, like if I caught him right now and said, Hey, our son just talked to me like this Oh, he gonna be like, oh hell no, I'm gonna talk to him.
21:26
Right.
21:27
Or, there was a point where my son was very angry with both of us, you know what I'm saying?
21:32
And I could see why he was angry with his father.
21:35
Like their relationship wasn't the best.
21:37
But for me, I did the best I could.
21:39
Right.
21:40
And so that is when me and his dad would talk a lot and his dad would also give me like, once he graduated, like he was like, you know, that was all you, you know what I mean?
21:50
And you're right.
21:51
My son shouldn't.
21:52
And that's when he started realizing the things that he said wrong to our son when he was young.
21:58
And not backing me.
21:59
When I was at my most stressed and needed the support because I was a single woman, raising a young boy, trying to keep him out of the streets, keep him out of trouble, you know, providing support.
22:10
And so, but then as my son got older, me and his dad could co-parent and have conversations because sometimes we get the same backlash and it'd be like, what the fuck?
22:19
You know what I'm saying?
22:20
But his dad would say like, nah, he shouldn't be coming at you like that.
22:24
You know, stuff like that.
22:25
But I haven't talked to his dad in, I don't even know how long, like, we text each other on like happy birthday type of thing.
22:31
Every now and then his dad will text or you know, Mike call.
22:34
But I rarely answer because like, I don't have to, you know what I mean?
22:39
And it's not because I don't but I hate him.
22:41
Keya: our son is grown now,
22:42
drea: and it's not because like I hate him or I don't like him or anything like that, you know what I'm saying?
22:47
It's just that like, what do we need to talk about, you know, or if he texts me, be like, Hey, you know, have you talked to our son?
22:52
Where's our son?
22:53
I'll be like, oh yeah, yeah, he's doing this or he's doing that.
22:55
You know, like every now and again, or if my son's talking to him on FaceTime and I happen to pull up or I'm right there, he'd be like, mom, say hi to my dad.
23:02
I'd be like, Hey, what's up?
23:03
You know, type of thing.
23:05
And I would even say too, like when my son would go to California for like all the holidays and school breaks and stuff like that and stay with my grandma, his dad literally would call him at my grandma's house every single day from Texas.
23:17
So they would talk a lot then too.
23:19
But I didn't, I guess for me, I didn't have to deal with the co-parenting.
23:24
Now my very first relationship, I had a deal with co-parenting, but there was multiple baby mamas, multiple children, you know what I'm saying?
23:32
And then there was one time where the guy I was dating, I found out when I had left to go to the store, him and his nephew, my son and his nephew did some shit and broke some shit that belonged to the city.
23:44
And then I guess he had spanked my son.
23:46
And when I found out, I was like, you don't fucking touch my kid.
23:49
Like that you don't, you don't, I don't give a fuck.
23:51
You hit your kids, you hit your nieces and nephews, but that's not, we're not married.
23:55
That's not your kid.
23:56
Do you know what I'm saying?
23:58
Keya: absolutely.
23:58
drea: and so like, my son probably doesn't remember, but I always protected him from that.
24:03
Like, if you gonna spank your kids, then I'll spank mine if I feel I need to.
24:07
'cause you're spanking yours, but I'm gonna do it.
24:09
I had to kind of deal with that for a little short period of time.
24:12
Not very long.
24:13
Probably like six months a year if that.
24:15
'cause for one, I've taught it, I've read about it.
24:18
I've studied it.
24:19
I mean, I am a social worker, right?
24:21
And I started my career with children and families and having to teach people co-parenting and healthy relationships and how to discipline your children and all those things.
24:30
So I'm very skilled in it.
24:31
I just didn't.
24:32
Really have to deal with it in my life because after I cut my ex, right, and after that, I never had another man even come close to living in my house.
24:44
Like my son barely even met the guy, you know what I'm saying?
24:48
It took years and then when he did, he never was in our household like that
24:52
Keya: Yeah, I, I can definitely see that.
24:55
I,
24:58
I know that co-parenting is a one.
25:04
If you have somebody who's stubborn and narcissistic, who is still in love with the other parents because they will never be at a point where they're thinking straight and saying, Hey, let me put my child first.
25:27
They will always find a problem with the other spouse.
25:31
because in their mind, it's like, supposed to be me there.
25:39
I'm not going to say that out loud.
25:41
So in action, I'm going to make waves and make trouble and your household as much as I can.
25:50
And that doesn't benefit anyone because why do you wanna have strife with the other parent?
25:58
when it's already hard enough, children are not in a home with the original parents, and now they have four parents.
26:09
And so why do you wanna make that transition harder?
26:12
would be my take on the co-parenting issue because it, it creates stress for everybody.
26:22
And at the end of the day, whether you're the parent causing the stress or trying to diffuse it, why does anybody want stress when having kids is stressful enough?
26:36
So find a way to make it work.
26:40
I know I always poise myself to be like, yo, I have no issues you.
26:50
I, if your kids need to call you they don't have a phone, or their dad is out, hey, they can use my phone.
27:01
This is my phone number so they can call you.
27:05
you can call them.
27:07
I'm always pick up.
27:09
And, that mom was definitely like a, if you need it, let.
27:15
Yeah, I got you.
27:17
Oh, you need me to do what?
27:18
Okay, cool.
27:20
And so I've seen healthy because I fostered healthy, I've also seen the unhealthy side because my kids' dad, his first spouse, oh baby, she, my kids would say she act like she hated them because their dad was still in love with me.
27:44
And so
27:46
drea: I think that's why my son's father's wife didn't like me either,
27:49
Keya: yeah.
27:50
drea: even though we had been broke up for years.
27:53
Yeah.
27:53
'cause he literally called and asked me, are you sure you don't want me?
27:57
because if not, I gotta marry one of you guys, you know, because of these kids and expenses.
28:02
I was like the hell out.
28:03
she can have you.
28:04
I don't want you.
28:05
No.
28:05
And you had a kid by somebody else.
28:07
Absolutely not.
28:08
Absolutely not.
28:09
Keya: Absolutely not.
28:11
And that's that.
28:13
It's like when you have situations like that, I'll always say like Drea did just choose to be the parent who is trying create amicable, amicable situation.
28:27
Because if not, it doesn't help anybody.
28:32
And those kids going to
28:38
and hit.
28:41
Everybody against everybody.
28:43
So be adults.
28:45
Be adults,
28:47
drea: Right.
28:49
Keya: the children together,
28:51
drea: Now I will say this, now that you're talking and thinking about like other kids, My son has a little sister and she's always known about me and I've talked to her on the phone.
28:59
And, when she's come out here when she was little,
29:03
Like I met her Like his little sister always had respect for me.
29:06
So I know that even, you know, whether her mom, cared for me or whatever.
29:11
I will say that his sister was always very sweet, respectful.
29:16
You know, I know who she is to this day, right?
29:18
She knows that I'm his mom.
29:20
and so I will say that although I never met his wife and I think that she had some issues, she must have not really said anything bad really about me because her daughter never treated me bad.
29:30
and my son never said anything, you know, bad about his, his, stepmom.
29:34
So I will say that, you know, 'cause I have met his sister and I have, even talked her on the phone even when they started getting older, like say hi, stuff like that.
29:42
so I thought that was good.
29:43
It's not even like, some kids never know their brother or sister, other sibling is, you know, I mean, parent is like, yeah, my son, they, yeah, no, his sister is sweet.
29:55
Keya: I love that.
29:56
and that's also a positive, like you said, my stepmom may have felt a way, but she didn't stand in the way of the sibling relationship.
30:08
and that's another part of co-parenting because what if that other spouse on either side has more children?
30:18
these children are going to be going into a space of, oh, well this mom and dad here of these kids, allow this.
30:30
And then my mom or dad with their other spouse who may not have kids, don't allow us.
30:37
So then now the kids are getting angry at each other for something that the adults have set up.
30:43
And one set of children are feeling like the favorites, and one is feeling like, oh, they don't love me.
30:48
So then now you're creating whole problems in these set of children's heads when it's like, just come to the table and be adults your children.
31:02
That's
31:03
drea: I agree because I will say this, my son's an only child on, my side, right?
31:08
But he is got a stepbrother who's close in his age and he is got a little sister.
31:13
I will say though, that as he got older.
31:16
He kind of saw, I think that at times he did struggle because like those other kids, even his stepbrother, like for his stepbrother, his stepbrother was like, oh, that's my dad.
31:27
Yeah, because it is that your stepdad.
31:30
But at times I think my son felt like they were closer, which they lived together.
31:34
So that would make more sense.
31:36
and so I think that at times I'm sure that caused, some issues for my son at times, you know what I mean?
31:44
'cause my son would say, well I think he likes my step bullets 'cause he sees him all the time.
31:47
You know, or reassuring him.
31:49
But I do know that one time my son's father was like, well my stepson, that's 'cause he fucking lives with you.
31:54
Like that's why he probably listens better.
31:56
You know what I mean?
31:57
Keya: Yes.
31:57
drea: and trying to get like when my son did go visit, like try to have separate times because these other kids see you all the time.
32:04
little things like that.
32:05
So I think there probably was some things back then, but my son was young and couldn't really articulate it then.
32:11
But I can see it at times when he got older.
32:14
So that kind of stuff is important too, because when you do co-parent, that one kid may not be living with the other parent and they might be the one coming over on the weekends or in the summers,
32:28
And I think that parents need to remember that too, is like how to find ways to give the equal time for the child who's the absent child.
32:37
Keya: Absolutely.
32:38
I totally agree.
32:39
and like you said in the case of, hey, this child only sees this other parent, times outta the year?
32:47
'cause maybe it's the weekend.
32:48
So yes, you have all these other children in the other household full time, but take this child and, explain to the other kids that, Hey, mommy or daddy has to go here with this one.
33:04
explain it.
33:07
So they can understand that you guys get mommy and daddy all the time.
33:11
but mommy or daddy now has to take your brother, your sister, out,
33:18
for this little time.
33:20
And then create a time for family time.
33:23
Because I know for me, with my second, I always made it a point to be like, nah, like go, I'll keep my boys here, but y'all go just go.
33:38
'cause I understand that they need that 'cause you're here with mine full time, so go whatever y'all do, go.
33:47
And then we'll have the next day as the family day.
33:51
And that created fostered a positive dynamic because,
33:59
my bonus kids didn't feel left out or didn't feel like, you know, my kids were getting more of the time because, you know, we stayed together.
34:11
So also knowing that they're going to want that time with their father And also, a lot of times he would say, because we lived on opposite sides of the valley, My bonus kids, other parent that that car ride, was their time, you know?
34:35
So it didn't look like they were doing some big old special activity, although my boys always knew, 'cause I always just explained it to 'em, like, you know, that's their dad.
34:45
They haven't seen their dad.
34:46
Like, you see your mom all the time.
34:49
So the car ride from that side of town to our side of town, they would stop and, get something to eat or do this.
34:57
So they had all that time to catch up.
34:59
And so that's another part of the co-parenting aspect that I do see a lot of people get jealous and, throw the, well, you don't do that for my kids and you don't do that for my, and that's not needed because the other set of kids are not there full time.
35:23
So make them feel less than, create a space where those set of kids can spend time with their parent, is how I feel.
35:39
drea: That's really important.
35:40
And I love that you were a woman enough to acknowledge that and you put the kids first.
35:45
I mean you generally have a love for children regardless, but you put the kids first and you looked at what would work for them, what is healthy, you know what I mean?
35:53
And you weren't one of those jealous wives of, you know, you need to love my kids more type of thing.
35:58
They were very important.
35:59
'cause there is people who are jealous of people's kids, you know, I've seen it, I've heard it.
36:04
So that could be a whole nother topic, but my gosh, I don't be understanding it.
36:09
Like, how you gonna be jealous of somebody else kid when you chose to be in this relationship and knowing that they had kids like, don't make sense to me.
36:17
But, you know, that's probably another topic for another time for our people.
36:23
Keya: right?
36:23
For both.
36:24
Oh, but another piece of this co-parenting is, was the question born out of the new spouse coming in, being jealous of that kid.
36:41
So is this new
36:43
drea: There's so many different, yeah, like is that parent who's struggling with them getting married and how it's gonna work?
36:49
Like, is there something that's already went down?
36:52
You know what I mean?
36:52
Is, is do they feel like their child's being left out of something already?
36:56
Like there could, there's so many parts to this.
36:58
when it comes to how to answer it, I think we've done a pretty good job answering it on a surface level or different examples.
37:05
But if the person who asked the question, if there's something more specific or a situation, or what they think that person might be feeling, definitely let us know so we can kind of chime in and, 'cause we can always, piggyback back on it on another episode if there's more to this question or a situation I should say.
37:25
Keya: because that makes a whole lot of difference if you feel like something has happened to your child, which is why you don't want the new incoming spouse involved, that's a whole different bag than we've discussed today.
37:44
drea: Absolutely.
37:48
Vonnie: I think that was very informative, especially for someone like me who's not a parent.
37:51
Just seeing all of that that goes into co-parenting and just the different aspects that you guys have to take with that.
38:00
drea: I think it's a level of respect.
38:01
I will say this, because when I did date the guy with all the kids and baby mamas and like, there'd be birthday parties, like most of them would all show up to the party too, you know.
38:13
but when I was a kid, my uncle, who I respect like he had my two cousins, and he got custody of both of them from their mothers and he was married and so I watched him have to navigate.
38:29
Co-parenting to a point, right?
38:32
but I'll never forget, like there was like a, a, a, party at his house and his wife was there.
38:37
Both, both baby mamas was there.
38:39
Like, it was like, I dare y'all, I dare y'all to not get along or act a way without that being said.
38:45
Now, the conversation, I don't know if it was had before or what, let me just tell you, they all dealt with each other, whether they talked or not, but there was no problem, no friction, no issues.
38:54
he was the custodial parent.
38:56
I always looked at that.
38:57
so when I did get in a relationship and we were all there, I was like, oh, I guess this might be normal.
39:02
Until like, of course that situation got toxic 'cause of his kid's mom.
39:06
But that's another story.
39:08
I feel like that was amazing for his wife who had no children by him.
39:12
Right.
39:13
And then she's helping raise his two children that he got custody of why they were married.
39:18
And then there was a few family parties where either both baby moms were there or one other one was there.
39:24
You know what I mean?
39:25
Um, and it was just one of those things.
39:27
you know, there was no drama.
39:29
Keya: That's amazing like that you said that because I think I have this stance on that I have.
39:39
'cause I seen my mama do it.
39:41
So like you said, like I, we've always seen it.
39:45
We've never named it because my daddy got two and some other kids, and my mama helped raise him and my mama got along with both sets of parent, like the mothers of those children.
40:03
And my sister, she, like her mama would come pick me up um, my sister's graduation.
40:14
She took her to Vegas and she paid for my ticket to go there to be with my sister.
40:20
So it all my life.
40:23
I've never seen my mama have an issue with other kids had an issue with talking to the mother of them other kids, and my mama took care of them kids like they were her own.
40:38
is, I'm glad you brought that up, Andrea.
40:40
'cause Yeah, we've seen whole lives, huh?
40:45
Yeah,
40:46
that,
40:48
drea: either saw it healthy or we saw it unhealthy, right?
40:51
Because sometimes some, some people's situation may not be healthy, like what we saw.
40:55
But you're right.
40:56
It's like now that you think about it, like you kind of mimic, you know what, what you did see that wasn't a bad thing, right?
41:03
Because it's not bad to take, like if you generally love people, right?
41:07
Like how can you not end up loving someone else's child?
41:11
You know?
41:11
There's people who, who adopt, who love, a child that they didn't birth.
41:15
Or you can totally love someone else's child and not take away from that other parent that's theirs, you know?
41:24
And I would hope that you get into a relationship where your spouse or significant other generally loves your child too.
41:32
Because to me, that's a good person.
41:36
You know what I mean?
41:37
That I can understand you not liking my kid when they're a teenager and they're assholes.
41:40
You know?
41:41
I'm not saying that part, but I'm saying like generally their wellbeing.
41:44
You know what I mean?
41:45
Like, you're willing to go pick my kid up from school or take them to their practice, or you know, care about what their day looks like.
41:52
Give me a call.
41:53
You know what I'm saying?
41:54
Keya: yes.
41:55
drea: thing, you know?
41:58
Keya: Yep.
41:59
Hey need you to we need you to share.
42:03
We need you to subscribe.
42:04
We need you to leave us comments and feedback.
42:08
We love to see you, we love our comments that we are getting.
42:13
So please continue to follow us on this journey.
42:16
Please continue to give us topic ideas, 'cause I promise you our group chat probably already has it in there.
42:24
So thanks for joining us.