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5 Harsh Truths From a Divorce Coach That Might Actually Set You Free · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warren Tree people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome, welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And for this week, we are sitting squarely, firmly, securely in Liberate.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because today I'm going to share five harsh truths from a divorce coach that might actually set you free.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some episodes of this podcast are very gentle.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is not one of those episodes.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: If you are in the middle of a divorce or even just standing at the edge of that decision, or you are through the mess and it doesn't look and feel like you hoped it would, I want to warn you that this episode might sting just a little bit, but it's worth sitting in that discomfort if it brings up discomfort for you.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because we're talking about harsh truths today.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Not the kind that are designed or shared to shame you, judge you, or scare you, the kind that will help you quietly rearrange something inside of you if you're able to lean into them, to hear them, to let them land, if you can finally let them in.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's what I see again and again and again in my work across every kind of relationship and every kind of person who finds their way to me.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: It is really the divorce in and of itself that keeps someone stuck.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's the waiting, it's the hoping, it's the belief or the trust that this time might be different when everything, all the evidence is telling you it won't be.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm going to walk you through five of those truths.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And as you listen, pay attention to the one or the ones that feel hard to hear, that maybe make you want to argue back, the one that you want to switch off, push away, jump over, skip past.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's rarely a coincidence.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's information that it is usually your one.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if any of them really make you feel uncomfortable or that you want to jump over them, push them down, minimize them, squash them, not listen to them, fast forward my voice, listen to that information.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Truth number one, closure.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Closure does not come from them, it comes from you.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: You want them to recognize it, acknowledge their part, acknowledge the hurt, the betrayal, the damage, whatever it is.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing: if they were capable or willing of doing that on their own, you likely wouldn't be divorcing them.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can't negotiate emotional accountability out of someone who isn't offering it willingly.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Whether they can, whether they can't, whether they they could if they wanted to, but they won't, whether they're not capable, you can't negotiate that out of someone if they're not already willing to offer it to you.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can't argue them into insight.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: You can't explain it better, softer, louder, more logically, more rationally, and suddenly have them get it from your point of view, your perspective, right?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I understand wanting it.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I understand that on a personal level, and I understand it as a coach.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I understand why we want that because their acknowledgement feels like proof, it feels like evidence, and like without it, maybe we imagined the whole thing, right?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: But you didn't, and you don't need them to confirm your experience, your lived experience, your knowing for it to be true.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And what happens when you keep trying is that you stay emotionally tethered to them, waiting, hoping, replaying conversations, rehashing conversations, even in real time, in real life, redoing arguments, imagining what you'd say if you had just one more chance, imagining hoping, playing out in your mind what you want to hear from them.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Closure is something you can create for yourself.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's deciding I see what happened, I know what happened, I lived it, I experienced it, I acknowledge it, I acknowledge it, and I validate my own experience.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And not because, and this is a process that you undertake not because it's fair, but because it's freeing, it's liberating.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Waiting for their acknowledgement, waiting for closure or hoping for closure from them keeps you emotionally tied to them, and you deserve to be free.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: If the relationship is over, the partnership is done, you deserve freedom from that.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Truth number two.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce does not, will not magically fix or change or shift their patterns.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce doesn't magically fix patterns, theirs or yours, right?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe this person was tight with money in the relationship, that will continue.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they avoided the hard conversations, still will.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they got defensive and attacked instead of reflecting and coming back into a conversation to take it through to resolution.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Unchanged, that will not change, or change, I should say.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Separation divorce changes the social and legal structure of your relationship, but it doesn't change the person, and when you really accept that, you stop being surprised, you stop hoping for different, you stop hoping that they will meet you, you stop even taking it personally, and you start making decisions based on reality, not hope.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're co-parenting or parenting with this other person, acknowledging and accepting and understanding on a really deep level that separation, divorce doesn't magically automatically fix their patterns or the relationship dynamic, right?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: The pattern that you shared, when you're parenting with them, this matters even more because you'll be navigating decisions with this person for years.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: School choices, holidays, who does what, who pays for what, the hard conversations, even the simple conversations about your children.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so the sooner you stop waiting or hoping for them to show up differently, the clearer your thinking, and therefore your interaction with them becomes, the less reactive you are, and honestly, the more peaceful your life gets.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they've changed, but because you have.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Truth number three, you may heal faster than they do, and that will feel unfair.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: The flip side of that, of course, is that they might move on, heal faster than you do, and again, that might feel unfair.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: It probably will feel unfair.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And there are layers to this depending on who left, how the relationship ended.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: If there was betrayal, if there was an affair, then that healing can be longer, harder for the person who has been left as opposed to the one who leaves, right?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I acknowledge that.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: You might do the therapy, the work, the reflection, the growth, and they might move on without doing any visible work at all.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And from the outside, they look absolutely fine.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: But here's something that's worth remembering avoidance can look like confidence.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Avoidance can look like healed, distraction can look like happiness.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: An emotional shutdown can look like strength.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean it's real.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the part that doesn't get talked about often enough.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you will start to heal and then feel guilty about it.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like moving forward means what you shared, what you lived didn't matter.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like feeling okay is somehow a betrayal of past versions of you, of how hard it really was.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Healing doesn't mean it wasn't real, that it wasn't hard.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: It means that you are actively consciously, yes, moving forward, but consciously choosing yourself.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that is exactly what this process is asking of you that you choose consciously, choose you.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Healing after separation, after divorce isn't a shared experience or a shared project anymore.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something that you will do side by side, and fairness in and in and around that, that healing process isn't actually part of the story here.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: What is available to you is depth, real grounded, self-led growth, and that means everything.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're healing faster, whether they look like they're fully healed, whether they are in fact fully healed and moved on, doesn't really matter.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: What matters is you and your healing and your processing, even if it feels unfair.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Truth number four.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Peace often means being misunderstood.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: They, whoever they are, they may never see, appreciate, understand, or be able to hear your side of the story.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: They may completely rewrite the narrative, often to protect their own ego, their reputation, the way they're seen in the world.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Mutual friends or family may only ever get half of the picture, or a version that doesn't look anything like your version, your reality, your truth.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this one can cut really, really deeply, especially after a long relationship, a long marriage with roots that run really deep, because the story other people hold of you can actually start to feel like it is you.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like if enough people have the wrong version, the edited version, and let's face it, we all tell an edited version, right?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: But if the edits feel really unfair and deeply untrue, that can hurt.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: But if enough people have that version, maybe that's who you become now.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: But who you really are at your core, deep down, your authentic, true, real self is not determined by that narrative that someone else is managing.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you keep trying to correct every misunderstanding, every half-truth, untruth, then you stay pulled, you stay anchored and pulled back into the conflict.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: You stay tethered to them and their version of events, and you hand over energy that actually belongs to you and could be invested better in your future.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're actually abdicating or giving away your power because you're handing over that energy, that energy that really belongs to you and your future, future you.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: So peace often looks like letting other people hold incomplete or even inaccurate versions of your story without needing to fix it.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you don't care, you do, you care deeply, but because your energy has somewhere better to go, somewhere better to be used, somewhere better to be invested.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying don't correct the story with people that really matter to you, but be discerning.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Release that need to completely and totally manage the narrative everywhere.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because releasing that is not, it's not giving up, it's not giving over your power, it's actually an act of reclamation, an act of self-sovereignty.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Truth number five.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go of hope can be more painful than the separation or the divorce itself.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean here a hope for a reconciliation.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: I mean something much quieter, much more subtle.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: The quiet hope that one day they'll finally get it, that they'll show up differently.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's not for you, maybe that's for your kids.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Giving up that hope that they'll show up differently, that they'll be the version of themselves, the potential even, that you were still holding on to.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they'll be the version of themselves that you fell in love with.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they'll be the version of themselves that you know exists in there somewhere if they just allow it, if they just step into it.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: And letting go of that hope can feel brutal and heartbreaking because it's not just losing a person, it's not losing who they are, it's you losing who you most needed them to be.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: And there is often a particular or specific moment when this truth arrives.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe it's that you find out they've moved on, they have a new partner, and maybe you see them showing up differently for that other person, for someone else.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: They are more present, they are more available, they are more of what you needed, and that can sting.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it's that they simply never looked back, they just barreled on straight into this next phase of life.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: You never saw them reflect, you never saw them sit in that reflect of reflect, reclaim, and liberate.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: You never saw them feel pain or understand or acknowledge their part in this, and something just in you just just knows that's the moment, and it is a grief all of its own.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it's real.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Grieving that is real grief, letting go of the hope is real grief, but on the other side of that is actually something steadier.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: You stop waiting, you stop hoping, you stop, you even stop expecting because there's an expectation, right, that they will step into the version of them that you know is possible for them.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you keep hoping, waiting, expecting them to do that.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: But when you stop, you stop orienting your life around what they may or may not do, and you start then building something that isn't actually dependent on them at all.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: And there's real power in that.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: It is letting go of the hope of what they could be, of what you hoped they might be, and that's when you stop, as I said, orienting your life around that and you start building something that is completely independent of them, new, fresh, independent of them, and that's a real release for you.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so let's recap these five truths.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, closure doesn't come from them.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Closure isn't external, it is something that you create for yourself.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Closure comes from you.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, divorce doesn't magically fix the patterns, it doesn't fix theirs, so just expect them to show up as they did in the relationship.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce doesn't match magically fix their patterns, it also doesn't magically fix yours, and it doesn't automatically shift or change the dynamic between you.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: That takes conscious effort on your part to control what you can control.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Truth number three, you may heal faster than they do, and that will feel unfair, and you might feel guilty for that.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Truth number four, peace, release means often allowing the narrative to be other than what you believe it to be.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: Peace often means being understood.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, misunderstood.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Truth number five, letting go of hope can be more painful than the divorce itself.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: And in closing, I'm sharing these truths to shine a light on them, yes, but not to make your processing of them or your process through separation, through divorce, and rebuilding life beyond to make that process harder.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sharing them to actually help you from making that process longer and more difficult than perhaps it needs to be.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because the sooner you're able to see clearly, the sooner you can accept that these truths are part of your reality, the sooner you can move.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily away from the pain, the hurt, the confusion, and all of that, but through it, through the pain and into something different, into something, a life, a way of being in the world that actually belongs to you.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what this episode and this work is really about.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if one of these truths landed for you, really landed, don't overlook that.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Don't minimize that.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's information and that discomfort isn't something to push through or push past.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's your own torch shining on the work that perhaps is still waiting for you to step into.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody, please share the episode, blah blah all the things.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: Join the mailing list, link in the show notes if you want to work together, or even just have a chat about exploring what that can look like.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, bye for now.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,