Latest / Dear Chelsea / Open to Happy Endings

Transcript

Open to Happy Endings · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: So what's going on. You've been back now for weeks.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: I feel like I've not heard a thing about what happened.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: What did we talk about? We talked about the guy
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: that sent me the dildo, right, Yes, we did talk
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: about him. Okay, so on the podcast. I think we've
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: talked about it everywhere basically. Okay, Well, anyway, so that
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: was happening. I went to Whistler then something. I had
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: some action and Whistler, you know what, just just to
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: let me do a quickly recapudated this guy. He met
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: him on Riya Riya. Right. He seemed like a great guy,
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: like a couple of your friends met him. I met him.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: He seemed really cool. You leave for a few months,
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: you go to Whistler. He sends you a dildo. It's
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: like this gift he was setting. He was trying to
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: be funny. I didn't think that was funny at all.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: It picked me out and I couldn't talk to him
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: again after he sent that dildo. I just thought, what
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: is this anyway? So I threw the dildo right in
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: the trash, and then I hooked up with someone in
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Whistler thanks to a friend of mine. I had a
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: little penetration there three times, so that was good. But yeah,
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: since I've been back, it's been kind of dry. Yeah yeah,
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: well let's say use the adjective dry and that's pretty gross. Yes,
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: but I am back on Riya, so I'll just have
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: to make some connections. Like basically what happens on Ryan
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: is they've opened their dating pool. You can tell by
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: the selection. Hey, b I like Ryan because it yields
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: very nice results. Like this isn't an ad for Riah,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: but it could be, Well, it could be, but it's not.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: But I I've definitely gotten a lot of like for
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: every time I've used Raya, whether it's New York, London
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: or l A not usually l A, only this last
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: time COVID because I was so desperate. Right, it's yielded
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: very good results. Then that I'm like, oh I can
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: have sex with this guy, not man. That I'm like
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: god like quality in terms of characteristics, like legitimate, like
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: decent people. You're not dealing with any weirdos. I've had
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: a couple. So it's like the Lift of dating apps,
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: like Uber's kind of for everybody. Lift seems to curate
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: a little bit. Yes, okay, so maybe lift. Yeah, and
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: I interviewed a lot of candidates during COVID. I would
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: come over, you know, when I had those COVID tests, right,
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: I would just tell them like I would have them
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: come sit down outside. I'd be like, hey, I need
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: you to take a COVID test. I did administer the test,
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: and then they'd sit like ten feet away from me
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: and we talked. And the test took like twenty minutes.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: And there's an actual piece of medical equipment. Yeah, it's
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: called It was called q Health and we bought it
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: so that I could test people and then I if
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: I didn't like them by the end of the thirty minutes,
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: I would just tell the person you're positive and to sctattle,
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: and then they would have to leave the house thinking
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: that they had COVID, and I would assume, like a
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: couple of people at taxed on me, I'm just kidding,
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: you don't have COVID. But I don't want to text.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: I don't need to see you again. One guy, though,
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: came over to the house and we were having fun talking.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: He was his COVID test was being you know process,
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: and I said, so, what's been your COVID like protocol,
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: like just to see what. I was like, Oh, I
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: could fuck this guy, like, I'm definitely into it, you know,
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: this is for sure, and he was kind of you know,
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: it was cute, and then he said, well, I'm you know,
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: wear a mask everywhere I go. I don't know why
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: I'm talk in this dumb voice when I'm imitating man.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: But he's like, I wear a mask everywhere I go,
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: but I don't think they work, and I just that's
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: a boner killer. Well that was the biggest boner killer.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: I just looked at him and thought, why would you say?
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: Why did you just say that? Like, I was just
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: going to fuck you. I was just going to wait
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: for your COVID test to be returned negative and then
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I was going to allow penetration, and you blew it
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: by saying something like I don't think masks work. What
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: is the point of saying uttering a sentence that is
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: so stupid? Because men are stupid? Why don't you take
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: my vagina off of me and walk away with it?
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I know, not even under the guise of a date,
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: Like everyone knew what was going to happen in the scenario,
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: But why would you because men are done? I don't
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: think masks were Are you a fucking doctor? Are you
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: a medical examiner? Are you? I mean, honestly, who are
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: you to tell me that you don't think masks work?
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: They just always want their opinion heard. She should have
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: just kept his mouth shut, and then he'd be in
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: a much different Situationally, we probably we could probably still
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: be together. How do you not utter that stupid phrase?
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: Sent you a dildo? There's a cute one I was.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: I was talking to and he was cute. He looked promising.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: Although he's in New York. Fuck, I know, but I'll
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: go to New York at some point for something. I know.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: I just love sweetheart. Ever lets me out of his sight?
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: Not likely, But I do love when you have a
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: man in your life who you're having sex with regularly.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: When we were this is a cute story actually when
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: we were when I was in Whistler, I talked to
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: you on the phone one morning about something and I
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: was like, oh, by the way, I had sex last night,
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: And he was like, I mean, the shrill in your voice,
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: it was like having just the happiness that you felt
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: for me was just so sweet, and I thought, wow,
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: what a sweetheart you were. Like, sweetheart got penetration. I
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: just love I think because I know you have a
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: high standard and so when you let that happen, it's
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: like great on all fronts. It's like, oh, she got
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: what she needed. She found someone who's probably cool. Like
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: if you're gonna suck, they're not a dud hopefully. Um
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: So it just seems like this is, you know, a
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: great track for you to be on when you're getting
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: regular penetration. I know, I know, tell me about it.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: I would like regular penetration because the whole thing about
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: the sex thing is it's just so nice. It's not
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: even I've said this to you before, but it's not
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: even just like the act of sex. It's the whole
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: thing that goes with the act of sex. It's the flirtation,
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: and it's the hand holding and the like body touching
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: and like caressing and all that stuff that is really
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: nice to have between two people. So it's a good
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: reminder of like all that fun stuff because it's really
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: just not the sex alone, although that's a requirement. Well,
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: and you had a great dynamic with a buildo guy
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: because he knew that when it was a wrap on
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: the sex that he needed to skit out of like, okay,
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: it's time for Yeah, that was another. But he was
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: good because he knew that. He's like, I don't want
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: to overstay my welcome. He wasn't trying to sleep over. Well,
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: I explained him right away that there wouldn't be sleepovers
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: unless I wanted to sleep at his house or something
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: like that. But he heard it and he accepted it. Yeah,
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: and he didn't. Yes, that was really nice. And then
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: there was this same Bildo guy. He had come over
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: for basically a dinner, a dinner interview with your friends,
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: myself and Sophie, and there was it was so nice
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: to see you in that element because you guys were
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: sitting closely. He was rubbing your leg. It was just
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: it was a side of you that I hadn't seen
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: because since we've been together, you've never had anyone else.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: Why would you need to Well, it's like, why would
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: I need to ever meet any man except for you? Now?
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: This is I love when we can talk through this
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: because now it's starting to make sense. The reason I
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: love that so much for you is because I know
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: there are certain things I can't give you, like the crossing,
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: like I'll rub your feet, like after we ski if
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: like you need a foot rub, but like this feet
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: after foot after we ski Ben Bruno, we went on
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: a ski trip once. This was our first sweetheart ski
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: gedway and it was me, Chelsea and her trainer, Ben Bruno,
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: and it was the beginning of the trip. Yeah, we
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: had all touched down together, three of us, but other
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: people were coming. We're not there yet, and I don't
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: know that you could create a more awkward such ation
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: or dynamic between three people. And in particular, there was
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: one night where we're all Chelsea night. You know, we're
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: just in tune. We know exactly what each other want
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: when we want it, and we both knew we just
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: wanted to relax. We had skied. We wanted to watch
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: a movie, watch a movie, relaxed, order food. Ben Buruna
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: wanted to get in the hot tub. And anyone who's
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: anyone with a brain knows you're not getting in a
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: hot tub. Well with Ben Burn, well, I'm not getting
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: in a hot tub at all periods, Like I'm not
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: into hot tubs. I don't like heat as much as
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I prefer other things. So that's already a thing. But yes,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: so he comes downstairs and he's like, hey, do you
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: guys want to go in the hot tub? And we
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: were watching something interesting. Yeah, we and we like we
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: were into it already, like it had been a little
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: bit we had been home, like settled in when we
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: were so fucked up, like we were really stoned. And
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: he comes down. I can't ref your shirtless or but
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: he was definitely in short and it was like it
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: was like a little kid. He's like, Okay, I'm going
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: to get a hot tub. Let's get in the hot tub.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: And we both look at each other like are you
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: gonna go? I'm not going, like I'll sacrifice you, but
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: I'm not going. We both weren't going in the hot tub.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: We both were like no, Ben, no one's going in
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: the hot tub. Have fun. And then he came out
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: again and was like who you guys want to get
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: in the hot tube? And I was like no, we
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: said we're not getting like still, no, we're not getting
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: in the hot tub. I can't hember what the segue
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: was to this, but there was some foot rubbing situation. Oh.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: We asked if I wanted a foot rub and I
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: was like no, And then you asked and I was
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: like sure, why because I'm not a threat. Yeah, I
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: don't think he's gonna hit on me. Ben would probably
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: argue though, that he wasn't hitting on me, it was
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: just being nice, but it felt like he was. There
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: was no expectation for sex after that foot rub between
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: you and me. With a straight man, there's still some
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: sort of underlying like what could I turn the shot
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: rub into? And there's nothing. Also more life advice. There's
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: nothing fucking worse than when you really just want a
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: BackRub and all your partner wants to do is fuck.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: It's like sometimes it's just a back like sometimes I'm
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: giving you one I don't like, I don't want more.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: There there needs to be some sort of expectations set
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: with these things. I agree with that. Yeah, you can't
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: just give somebody a background and then also ask for
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: one in return, Like I don't love that. No, it's
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: like if I have to give you a foot My
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: sister always does that. She's like, will you do me?
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, I'll do you first so that you're
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: doing me last. Plus my sister's massages or tickles or
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: whatever she calls them suck, So it's like, first of all, no,
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: you don't even deserve one in return for what you're
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: going to do to me, because I've been through these
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: massages before and it's basically like a leaf is blowing
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: past you, you know, or yeah, it's not even a curus.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: Nobody wants to give a massage after they've just gotten one,
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: like tomorrow, I'll give you one today, you give me one, right,
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: and can happen. But a lot of people do like
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: to exchange services like that. I just am not. I'm
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: not one of those people. I'd rather pay for a
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: massage me too, and then yeah, and then I don't
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: have to do anything in return. Do you remember that
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: massage therapist again on a sketch of that massage therapist,
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: that guy that you have that came in and it
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: was like he had never done massages before. Everything about
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: it was very strange. Did you come out of the
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: room and you're just like, we got we either have
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: to move from this location or we have to get
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: him out over the balcony like so high this guy. Yeah,
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: we were in Park City and he came and he
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: was already really shady looking like he looked like like
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: he had really long hand, very skinny, like very skinny, right,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: like a hippie that you wouldn't want to hang out with. Yeah,
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: and he just looked stoned or like he could have
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: been on something. We'll assume it was weed, right, And
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: so when he came in and he was doing all
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: this like, I was on the table and he was
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: literally like I could feel like the rush of air
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: swiped by my body from his hands, but it was
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: almost like he was doing like a seance over my
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: body with his hands. And I was like, sir, this
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: isn't a massage. Are you gonna touch my actual body?
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: And he was like, ohh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: getting started. And I'm like, is this a joke? Like
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: is this a Because I was on that show Girls
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: Behaving Badly, that hidden camera show where I did that
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: once where I played a missus who never actually touched
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: the person, and so I thought that, I thought, is
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: this a joke? And then I thought what is going
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: on here? But then of course I was a little stone,
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: so I thought maybe you know, I'm just high, And
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: then of course, you know, every woman's worst mistake is
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: assuming it's their fault. Anyway, I got up from the
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: table and then I sent Sophie and and she got
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: up from the table and was like, what the funk
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: was that? And I was like, I told you, I
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: didn't think that was a missuit. She's like, you didn't
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: tell me. I'm like, oh, well, I told Brandon. That's
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: one of those experiences that you never because you can't
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: put it into words. Even if it's bad, you have
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: to have someone else experience it to reaffirm what you
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: went through. Well, at the point, like once an hour
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: was finally over because he was like, do you want
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: ninety minutes, I'm like, no, actually, I want forty five.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: Now now that you've started to get back the last hour,
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: then I for the last like twenty minutes. I couldn't
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: stop thinking about how funny it would be for Sophie
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: to be getting this massage, and how excited I was
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: for her to be in the same situation I was in.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: So by that point I was like, oh no, she's
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: gonna get it. Well, two very different personality types too,
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: that we both stayed there and allowed it to happen.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: So the common thread is that women allow stupid ship
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: to go on for some reason. I bet a man
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: wouldn't have done that. A man would have said, what
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: the funk is this and gotten up and walked up?
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: Have you ever gotten up? No? I feel too bad
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: for the masseuses exactly. I I have. I had problems
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: asking for extra strength, like for a few years because
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to offend the masseuse, And now I
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: know how to stand up for myself in a nice,
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: normal way. Do you ever feel like when you ask
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: for added pressure that they add so much to try
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: and prove a point. Yeah, that fucking annoys me. I
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: think that's just a voice in your head. I don't
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: think that they're doing that for purpose. Now. I think
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: that's what we just think because we're paranoid about saying
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: anything in the first place, and then when they up it,
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: we're like, uck. Yeah, I have a harder time asking
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: for an adjustment. I've gotten up times. I'm just like,
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: I'm just not comfortable in the middle of a happy ending. Yeah,
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: I don't care. There's nothing worse than wanting to relax.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: Have you got have you intensely? Have you ever gotten
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: a happy ending during I know it does actually happen.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I think they're signals or there's something
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: you have to do. You have to give them some
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: sort of guidance or insight to what about opening your
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: legs and pointing at your vagina is? I think I
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: once had a friend who told me I worked with her.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: She told me that she was at one of those
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: resorts in Santa Barbara and that the missus would go
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: down on her all the time. And I was like,
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: I remember our whole group was working. Was when we
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: were on Chelsea lately and we were all sitting around
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: a table, going, are you fucking kidding me? I'm like, hey,
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: if guys are going down on women and during massages, like,
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: why isn't that not happened to me? Because I would
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: be open to that happening, would you. Yes, some misseus
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: just finishing me off before I get of course, I'm
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: open to that. I think that that's part of the
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: issue though, is I've never had anyone massage me where
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: I would want them to finish any I don't put that.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: I don't want them to do anything like there's no kissing.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: There's just we're not holding hands, we're not even communicating.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: They just are going to go down on me as
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: a service. Yes, would it matter too if it were
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: a man or a woman? Well, so if you ever massage, Yes,
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: upcoming massuses, but tell not for him though Highma is
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: married and it is my missus here in l A,
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: but at resorts. If you guys are down with that,
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: so am I. You just need to check that box
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: at the bottom of your intake forms that you would
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: like to be finished. They don't say, they don't put anything,
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: just write it in. Yeah, I like a ballot, like
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: a ballot for a candidate that's not on the ballot.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: That's what I should say the next time I get
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: a massagic. I'm before you get started, before you go
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: down on me at the very end, will you just
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: give me like a ten minute warning just said, it's
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: like the preface of this is the expectation, and just
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: slip it in. Be like, okay, so I like a
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: medium pressure my lower backs when hurting and when you
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: go down on me. If we could just not make
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: eye contact. Oh okay, it sounds like we're gonna a
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: break and we'll be right back. Should we get into
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: some advice. Yeah, we've covered a lot of topics. They're like,
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: we're giving me advice, now, well, let's give us some
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: advice to Kirby's Kirby, He's fifty three, He writes, Dear Chelsea,
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: my name is Kirby. I'm fifty three and have several
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: underlying health issues like insulin dependency, neuropathy, and my legs
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: and arms and many more. But those are the things
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: that make me miserable. Well aft my kids are all adults.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: My ex wife was killed in a motorcycle accident in
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: two thousand and nineteen. Three months later, my mother died
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: of terminal leukemia. I'm an alcoholic. I try not drinking,
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: but it doesn't last long and I go right back
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: to it. I didn't even drink until I was thirty
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: two years old. I was always a functioning alcoholic, but
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: in the last year it's been something I go to daily, nightly,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: even hourly. Then I just have to stop for a
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: few days. I'm not doing bad. My house is paid for,
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: I have no car payment. But I feel like I'm
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: going to overdo it one time and my kids will
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: find me dead. I'm not suicidal at all, and never
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: even crosses my mind, but I worry one day my
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: body is going to say fuck you, Kirby, and it
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: will be over. I just can't stop drinking in excess.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: It's when I'm by myself, which is often and I
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: suffer bad for days, and I often isolate myself from everybody,
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: including my kids. I'm drinking now, but I can still
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: gather my thoughts. I don't know what to expect from this.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Hopefully I won't be made fun of. Well, I think
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: we should set up we're never gonna make fun of
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: people serious issues. No, no, of course not no, We're
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: not here for that, absolutely not. I'll make fun of
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: people that don't have serious issues, but not people that do.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: I think Kirby has to stop drinking. Kirby, I think
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: you need to stop drinking, and I think you need
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: to like, I think you need a community. Like it
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: sounds like you feel very alone, and I think you
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: should start by going to a a meetings. You probably
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: weren't expecting to hear that, but like, you really really
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: need a community of people who understand what you're going through,
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: because what's happening to you. You're not the only man
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: in the world that feels this way. So you need
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: to be in a situation where you can hear other
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: people talking about their problems and their struggles with alcohol.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: And that is a I completely agree. I mean this
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: is Yeah, this is because you have all the signposts here,
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: like you're saying you can't control your drinking. You you're
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: excessively drinking. Your kids are all adults, so of course
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: you don't have to focus your attention on them. And
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: your wife passed away in a terrible accident, and then
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: your mother died. Like I understand that you're feeling very
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: sorry for yourself, and that's okay, but you can't feel
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: sorry for yourself and then on top of that, drown
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: yourself an alcohol. You can feel sorry for yourself and
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: not drink, but you can't do both well. And this
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: really speaks to me because my mom and career about
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: the same age. She had a lot of stuff happen
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: early in life that can really set someone's life plan
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: on a different path, and it's hard to get back
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: to a place where you're operating and functioning at a
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: high level and happily. But it's not too late, So Kirby,
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: my mom did a a for six months. She did
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: it religiously. I think she was going like two or
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: three meetings a week, and it really that was when
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: we all thought she was back on the right track.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: And she has since fallen off of the wagon and
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: it's a process. So you just have to get yourself started.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: You have to find a group, an a group, You
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: need to find a sponsor, you need to find something
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: to do in the place of drinking. There are small
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: steps you can take to just make yourself feel like
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: you have more control than you do now, and eventually
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: the control will come. I know you're in pain because
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: you have an insulin dependency, and it says you have
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: neuropathy in your legs and arms. But like, drinking can't
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: be your amelia in that's not going to be your
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: pain fixer. You have got to get alcohol out of
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: your repertoire. For someone like this, would you recommend they
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: try cannabis? I would, But I think right now you
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: need to take a like he needs to get his
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: head clear. So you're fifty three years old, Like that
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: is not old, not anymore. Like you have a lot
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: of life, and don't you want to share that with
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: someone and don't you want to have more adventures and
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: have more enjoyable times, Like you can't just be putting
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: a band aid on a band aid on a band aid,
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: So you need to go to a a I think,
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: and that's where you can start with, like you know,
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: talk therapy because you'll be talking to other people. And
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: the other thing I would suggest, if you can afford it,
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: or if your health care provider can provide it, is
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: to get a therapist because you need to really be
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: talking this stuff out. Men hold too much stuff in
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: and then it just leads to this and then it
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: becomes insurmountable and you feel so sorry for yourself, and
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: I don't want you to feel that way. And you
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: can also look into there are subsidized therapists basically in
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: every area or online now online therapy. I recommend looking
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: for one that subsidizes based on your current income if
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: that if that's an issue, and it may not be,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: but finding someone that you're comfortable to talk to you
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: outside of a a as well to hold you accountable
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: for the things that are affecting you personally that don't
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: have to do with your alcoholism, because that's another thing
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: that I've realized in what I've been going through my family,
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: is that everything is not to do with the alcohol
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: being incorporated into your life. That it's not all the
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: result of that, and you're not drinking because of all
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: the those things. There's just a lot to unpack in
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: your life, it seems like, and having someone there outside
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: of your a A meetings to delve into those things,
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: it is probably gonna be really beneficial to you. Yeah,
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: I agree with that, And I think if A just
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: sounds like so overwhelming to you, there's a reason it does,
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: because it's your ticket to happiness. And I swear if
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: you really focus on getting alcohol out of your life,
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: I guarantee you you will find joy and happiness again.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: I guarantee you, Kirby, let us know, keep us posted.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: We hope you're doing. Okay. That was a serious one. Well,
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: the people have serious issues, and you know, sadly, this
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: is one of those things that all these things are
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: compounding on him. So he has health issues, he's had
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: emotional distress over these last years, and then the pandemic
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: for everyone over the last year. I'm sure it's just blanket,
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: wet blanket on a wet blanket. I mean, as feels
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: like he's drowning. But I would have never believed it
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: with the A thing, But after seeing the result of
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: it from either people that I know or my mom specifically,
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: there's a reason that it works. There's a reason bowl
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: who stick to it seemingly have a positive outcome because
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: if nothing else, and people fall off the wagon all
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just people don't realize
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: how easy it is. It's just that one hump you
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: have to get over, which is the initial you know
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: what I mean. It's like going to do what you
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: want to do and then sticking, like going to the
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: meeting is the hardest thing. And I just wish you
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: would think about your age, like fifty three, you could
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: have a whole other life. You could have two more lives.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: You're a man, you could get married seven more times.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: This will seem like a blip. You just have to
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: do it. Go to the first once, like the first
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: workout class. Once you do the first one, the rust
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: aren't that bad and you realize the conditioning that you're
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: going through while you're there and that you are getting better.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: So good luck, Kirby. Maybe I should just have sex
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: with all these people. Maybe that would help. Maybe we
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: should be sex therapist. Well, sex sex as the therapy.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: I mean, like there are actual people who have sex
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: with people to not cure, but to help alleviate some
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: of these Uh really yeah, it's a sex therapy. There
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: are only so many states. I think it's many countries
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: set that allow for it. But yeah, there are people
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: that have like severe social anxiety and they'll see a
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: sex therapist to get that intimacy to feel more comfortable around. Okay, well,
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: I don't think we should offer that service yet until
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: we find a caller that I think I'm attracted to. Yeah,
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: well we'll set that expectation for season two. Okay. Our
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: next submission comes from t Mr T Just Letter T
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: twenty two out of Vancouver. She right, Oh, this is nice, Hi,
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: Chelsea and Brandon. That's me. I need sex life advice.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: I'm a girl in my twenties and I'm struggling. My
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: first relationship started when I was beginning high school and
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: it lasted until my first year of university. He was
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: abusive and I experienced intimate partner sexual violence for pretty
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: much the entire time we were together. I'm very sorry
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: to hear that. Fast forward a few years. My new
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: boyfriend is amazing and I'm super attracted to him, but
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: I really struggle to feel the mood for sex. How
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: can I get my libido going? Well? This two is
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: a very serious question. But this is something that I imagine,
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: sadly a lot of women deal with. And we have
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: t on the phone. Hi, Hi, how are you? I'm good?
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: How are you guys? We're good. We're glad you called. Yeah,
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: thank you. I'm honestly shocked that I even got a response.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: I was totally not expecting anything. Oh yeah, well we're
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: serious about our quest or no, it's not a quest,
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: it's more of a well, it's certainly not a journey.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: It's not a journey. So T Are you attracted to
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: your boyfriend now? Of course? Yes, you are? Okay? And
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: have you guys had sex? Yes? Yeah, you just have
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: trouble getting into the mood. Yeah, it's just like I
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: don't know, It's it's often once it starts, I'm like, okay,
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: yes I am enjoying this, but often when he tries
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: to initiate, I'm kind of just like, it doesn't feel comfortable.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: And that's not anything with him. I'm a d percent
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: comfortable with him. I mean, honestly, it's it's trauma. Like really,
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: if I think about it, that's what it is. And
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: are you comfortable making the move on him? Though you
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: are comfortable when it starts that way? Yeah, yeah, to
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: a degree. I'm I'm not super confident in making the
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: move aggressive not aggressively, that's not the right word. But yeah, yeah,
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: Like if it's just like we start kissing or whatever
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: and it kind of moves naturally, I'm good with that.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: But like making like a statement or like, right, you're
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: not coming out of your room like in a negligent
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: or something, right, Yeah, neither am I. By the way,
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: so I'm with you on that. You've discussed your past
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: relationship with him, right, the abuse? Yeah, yeah, definitely, so
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: he understands, right, have you always this to him? How
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: you he's he's super super good with it, and it
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: always is asking me throughout the whole way, like are
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: you good? Is this okay? Like he's definitely really good
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: with that. Yeah, okay, So you have to find ways
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: just to turn yourself on in totally what I would
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: say right off the back up this is something this
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: is a perfect example where we need to sex them
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: a pi us or somebody like you know, a survivor's
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: therapist who can actually speak to this, and we will
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: try and find that person for you. But I would say,
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: instinctively off the bat, how long have you been dating
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: your new boyfriend, like three years. Okay, so that's a
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: long time, right, Yeah, And so have these feelings abated
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: during that time where they did they used to be stronger? Yes.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: So in the beginning, my thing is that I kind
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: of disassociate during sex. My mind just wanders and all
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: of a sudden kind of blank out. In the beginning,
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: that's what was happening, and I was like, I'm not
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: enjoying this. So then I kind of started trying to
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: have the conversation with him about like what happened, and
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: that went fine, and then so it kind of progressed.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: Now it's just kind of like duck in this little rut.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: Is there anything that he can do or those moments
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: where you do find yourself with your guard down and
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: you feel more comfortable? Is there not? I hate to
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: use the word like four play, but is there a
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: build up or a setup that he has been able
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: to do or that you acknowledge and realize like, okay,
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: this is this is what propels the sexual interaction where
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: I feel comfortable Initially, Yeah, I found specifically being at
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: my house in my bed, I find that is more
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: comfortable and I tend to feel better in that space.
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: And then also, I don't know why, but having a
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: shower first seems to work like it can kind of
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: just if we shower together. I don't know why, but
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: it's comforting there, and then it can kind of progress. Yeah,
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: and so when you say you're stuck in a rut,
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: like so, things were okay for a while and then
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: this happened, or like you said, things used to be
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: a little bit more intense and so they've intensified less.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: But what do you mean by the rut exactly? We've
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: had discussions where he's obviously really good about all this,
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: but he has expressed, you know, that he doesn't always
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: feel desired, and I don't want him to feel like
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: that because obviously this is a mutual thing where it
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: should both be feeling that way. So I guess the
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: issue is making him feel that way too, and getting
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: confidence in myself and yeah, just feeling in the mood
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: to actually initiate that. I think that the strongest aphrodisiac
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: is communication, right, So, like that is really you guys
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: seem to have a really good dialogue and he seems
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: to obviously be very careful with what's happened to you
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: and your past so he's obviously very dedicated to making
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: sure that you feel safe. So I think if you say, like,
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: if you have these conversations and you're like, listen, I
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: want to give you what you want, and I want
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: to be more sexually open. But this is like a
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: process that we have to learn how to do together,
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: and I want to be in this with you, and
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: I want to open up more, like be more free
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: sexually with you because I trust you, because I love
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: you, you you know all the right things. But I think
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: having a really open dialogue with your partner is going
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: to lead to success quicker than later. Have you had counseling.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: I've just kind of started again. I went a couple
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: of times, and it was kind of towards the beginning
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: and it was just so hard to even get words
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: out about it. So I've just recently started going again.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: But yeah, that's obviously I need to do that. That's
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: I know, going to help a lot. Yeah, that's gonna
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: help a lot. And you know, we will try and
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: find a sexual therapist that we can we can put
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: you in contact with to help you, like somebody who
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: specializes with victims of abuse or that have been an
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: abusive relationships prior, because I'm sure there's a lot of
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: tricks up somebody's sleeves for what to do, and we
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: do want to help you. But obviously this isn't my
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: specialty or wheelhouse sweetheart, right, but I do think the communication,
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: you know, like I'm sure you guys have an open
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: communication already. Yeah, that's one thing that definitely wasn't so
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: much in the beginning, just because I wasn't communicating about it.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: I wasn't. It's a hard thing to talk about, right,
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: But yeah, that's definitely gotten a lot better, especially like
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: even in the last three four months, we've been talking
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: about it a lot more. Yeah, So I would say
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: over communicate during this time, you know, because it will
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: only bring you closer together, and so he can have
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: a better understanding of where you're coming from, and you
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: can start to understand that that is your past, that's
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: not your present, and you'll be able to be a
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: little bit more free hopefully. And in the meantime we
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: will get us well, we'll find somebody. Yeah, awesome, this
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: is a good mission for us to go on on
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: your behalf, So we'll we'll be in touch, Okay, thank you,
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: all right, keep smiling to thank you bye bye. Keeps
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: your miiling, keep shining. I know it's and there's so
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: much like I see her, and then I think of
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: my little sisters, and I'm like the fact that anyone
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: could put someone in that position to feel out of
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: control of their body or that they're owed someone something
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: through their body, like, it's just it's so horrible. This
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: is the other thing is I hope that for someone
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: like that, they can get their power back by talking
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: about it to other people, going to a support group,
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: or helping younger girls who are currently experiencing this, because
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: I feel like once you put yourself in that position
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: to help someone else, it gives you a sense of
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: self again. They're like, Okay, whatever was taken from me,
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: I'm helping someone else, Like you get something back internally. Yeah, No,
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: I think you're probably right about that. And it's also
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: it's really hard to talk about sexual abuse, but it's
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: really hard for someone's power to be taken away. It's
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: it's not fair because nobody gets to do that, you know,
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: nobody gets to take somebody else's power away. But I
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: do feel like she, based on the limited information we
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: had that her boyfriend is probably, you know, good guy.
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: He's understanding, he's trying to process this with her, and
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: there need to be more men like that that understand
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: the dynamics of past sex issues that women have gone
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: through and being patient. So yeah, I agree with that.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: Her next amission, who is a caller. Her name is Charlotte.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: She's from Houston. She's twenty three, a recent college grad.
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: She writes, Dear Chelsea, how do I stop feeling so
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: ugly all the time? I can't stop looking in the
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: mirror and thinking about how people I find hot would
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: never find me beautiful. You seem so confident and I
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: want that, Charlotte, are you there? Hi? Yes? I am Hi, Charlotte, hiute?
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: I know what are you talking about? Well, it feels
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: it feels stupid to think about because it's like such
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: a shallow thing to care about, and I hate using
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: brain power thinking about it. But I just like spiral
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: sometimes and I spend too much time like looking in
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: the mirror, and I just I can only see the
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: things that our flaws and that I hate about myself,
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: And then I like go on Instagram or whatever, and
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: I'm not just like comparing myself to models or whatever,
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: But I'm looking at like my peers and I'm like,
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: oh this, I'm not measuring up. And I really struggle
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: with that. And you just seem so confident and like
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: you don't care, and I admire that a lot. Well
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: that's bullshit. I do care. I just care more. I do.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: I care immensely, But I care more about also myself
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: worth than I care about my look. I care a
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: lot about my look. So don't think that I do
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: not care. Okay, I live in l A. It's impossible
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: not to care. But I know the cycles that bring
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: me down. And one of them is trolling through Instagram
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: and looking and comparing yourself to other people. And the
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: other thing is looking in the mirror all the time.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: Do you know many times I've been at lunch with
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: somebody and there's like a reflection or glass behind there
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: wall that I'm facing. I'll be sitting across from somebody
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: and they'll be glass or and I'll be sitting there
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: staring at myself, and then I have to realize, oh
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: my god, you're sucking at lunch and you're staring at yourself.
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: Could you be a big Like? There is no bigger
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: loser than that person, right, so you can't be that person.
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: You know, we're not in the business of looking at
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: ourselves in the mirror all day long. That was for
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: when we were little girls growing up and we had
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: nothing better to do. So you have to get rid
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: of those habits. A they're not helpful, you know what
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: I mean. You should limit your time to Instagram for
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: a few you know, for whatever is a reasonable amount
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: of time for you, And you should try and get
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: out of the habit of like staying too long in
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: front of the mirror, even if it's in the morning
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: or you're getting ready. You're totally horrible. You're pretty, you're beautify,
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: like you have I don't know what you're talking You're
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: like making a problem where there is none. Well, it's
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: the most part of the reason I don't want to
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: talk about it is because I feel like it can
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: come off as like fishing for compliments, and then people
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: are like, oh, what are you talking about? But I
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: feel like it's like a deeper issue than that. I mean,
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: I appreciate it, thank you. I just it's uncomfortable to
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: hear when we're telling you. I'm sure there are there
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: are these things that when people are doing it's like
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: it's so hard to see yourself the way someone else
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: sees you, and so then when you're going through it,
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: it's like you don't want to vocalize it because you
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: know someone would kill to look like you. Yeah, it's
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: just just strange. But and it's okay, it's okay to
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: acknowledge it. But you also have to accept it that
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: we can never look like someone else. So comparing yourself
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: to someone is a dead end, Like you're never going
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: to fulfill yourself that way, So you have to look
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: at what else you're contributing to society as a person,
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: Like maybe you have a killer sense of humor. There's
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: so much more to you than your looks, and you
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: already have great looks. So it's also it's also like
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: you think I exude confidence, Okay, Like I am very
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: confident about myself, and I think, like you have to
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: really focus on what your where your confidence is coming from? Right?
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: Where are you getting your confidence from? From your job,
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: from your family, from your friends? Right? Where is it
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: coming from? I mean I guess my friends, Like my
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: friends are you know, they're the people that hypen me
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: up the most, and they're like the most important thing
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: to me so, and what are the people I care about? Right? Right?
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: But you don't have to care. That's not your confidence, though,
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: where are you getting your self esteem from? Like you
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: could get self esteem from some of your friends, but
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: like where is your self worth coming from? You know?
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: How do you think about yourself? I guess my personality,
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: Like that's what I think I bring to the table
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: when I meet people. And that's when I think I
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: bring to the table when I am out and about right,
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: And that's well, that's plenty. I mean your personality alone,
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: like if you know you're adding to the mix when
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: you show up somewhere or that like your friend group
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: is going to have more fun once you get there.
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: Like that's a lot to be confident about. Do you
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: know what the fucking worst thing in the world is
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: is going to like a dinner or happy hour with
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: people who are beautiful but fucking duds and that's all
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: that's all of l A. You'll go and this, like
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: I do it to myself all the time. You'll show
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: up and there's this like beautiful gay guy sitting next
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: to me, and I'm like, what I would I would
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: kill to look like you. But he doesn't have a
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: thing to say. He's not cracking one joke, he's contributing nothing.
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: Why is that an issue? Because everything that we use
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: to measure ourselves right now is based on a photo online,
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: So we can't tell what sort of personality someone has.
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: You know what started TikTok? You'll probably shine there because
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: it's a video where someone can see your personality. I
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: know that that's true because my friends we call it
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: like hot girl syndrome, because if you grew up beautiful,
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: if you were always like a pretty person, if you
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: were never bullied in middle school, you never had to
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: like develop a personality to fight your way through it,
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: and they like get away with things that normal people can't.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: Like we'll be at the bar and we'll be like
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: can we please come in? And they'll be like no,
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: And then our beautiful friend will be like, hi, can
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: me and my seven friends come in? And they're like,
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: of course, please come in. Like we'll roll out the
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: red carpet and it's just I don't know, like it's
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: but you should see that for what it is, right Like,
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: So that's her advantage in life, right, So she gets
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: to get all of her girlfriends into a bar and
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: that's her advantage. Your advantage may not be that, but
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: you've still got something that she doesn't have. And it's
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: not all about that, you know what I mean, Like
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: it really isn't everybody who's like so hung up on
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: how beautiful they are or how they can be more beautiful.
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: Guess what, unless you're willing to get plastic surgery, you're
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: not going to be able to change your face. You know,
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: if you want to look like a Kardashian, you could
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: surgically look like that. But like, I think confidence comes
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: from a lot more than just the way you look.
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: So you should dig into the reasons or the circumstances
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: where you do feel confident and remember what those were about. Yeah,
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: you know, I don't know. I do feel like it's
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: challenging because I do, like I think it is different
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: for women than it is for men, and I think
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: that's fucking ship. Yeah, and I mean it is. I
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: feel like it's so obvious that like your looks as
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: a woman impact your time in business in relationships, Like
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: it just that's just the way it is, and I
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: wish it wasn't that way. I wish it was all personality.
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: But like the way you look does matter so much?
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: And I I mean you obviously know that living in
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: l A. But like, I think that's another reason where
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: when people are like, oh, just get over it, or
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: you're pretty enough, and then it's like, well, but it
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: does matter because it's so clear like in everyday life
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: that pretty people get treated even better. Yeah, but you're
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: still arguing about something that you can't change, right, I mean,
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: you are the way you are you're I mean, which
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: again is like you are a beautiful which is pretty. Yeah,
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: so you are the way that you are. So like
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: it's like you're saying like, okay, So it's like me
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: sitting here and going, God, I wish I had more money,
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: more money, more money, more money. Look at that person,
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: look at that person. I want more money. I want
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: more money. I want more money. It's like, well, no,
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: that's not a good example because if you really wanted
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: the money, I would go after you know what I
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: mean that example, and I'm making that like everyone has
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: something else and that it's not always obtainable. So yeah,
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: maybe the money thing for you would be accessible, but
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: maybe there's a role that you wanted or a show
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: or something that you couldn't get that does not diminish
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: what you do have. Right, So that very very kind
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: of like corny saying of not focusing, like, don't focus
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: on what you don't have, focus on what you do have,
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: is actually very meaningful to me. I always do that
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: whenever I get in any sort of negative rut. I'm like,
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: just focus on what you have and what you can
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: offer and who you are. Why are you different than everyone?
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: Which you are? You know what I mean, You're a
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: unique person. So yeah, our self worth is like it's
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: it's almost like you're allowing it to be dictated to you, right,
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: You're allowing the men in charge to tell you that
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: this girl is prettier because you see her on your feet,
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: or this girl's prettier, that girl's prettier. You're running a
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: race that you can't win. Yeah, you know, so find
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: that thing. It's a skill, a talent, maybe it's something
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: that you have, like baking, whatever that is. Like, again,
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: it's hard to quantify on Instagram how good you're going
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: to feel about yourself in that way, but those little
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: things a personality is way more important to me than
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: looks at this point in every person. But it gives
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: you an inherent sense of confidence. When you find whatever
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: that is that you're really great or that you really love,
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: you'll realize it's less about your looks because you were
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: just looking for something to give you that confidence boost.
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: And then you realize, oh, I was investing energy in
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: this wrong thing. Like think of all this time and
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: energy you're putting into wishing you look like this person.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: So this person might like you, take that energy invested
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: into something that you can physically put your finger on
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: that like, oh this makes me feel good and other
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: people appreciate it, and you're gonna realize like, oh, I
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: actually don't care that much that I don't look like
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: this woman. Yeah, that's really great advice. Well, it's true.
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: It's just like find something. I'm doing that right now.
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: It's hard. And pat yourself on the back every time
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: you do. Add something like you know, if you have
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: a good time with your girlfriends and you were a
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: big part of that, you know, go like way to go.
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: You know, like remember to tell yourself why you're valuable?
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: Do you work? I just graduated college, so I'm congratulations.
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: That's also awesome that you just graduated college. Give yourself
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: about on the back for that girl. I didn't even
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: get that far, which means you have a lot of
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: time to figure it out. Everything seems like imminent right now,
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: like I have to figure this out. It's not. There's
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: a lot of time left. Yeah, but you know, it
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: is an inside job, like your confidence is up to you.
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: It's an inside job. As my psychiatrist Dan always tells me,
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: everything is like it's whatever mental story you're going to
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: tell yourself every single day, and you have to get
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: into the habit of telling yourself why you're valuable and
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: that it's not dependent on your looks. It's not all physical.
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: It's such a minor part. It seems like it's the
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: only part, but it's not. Yeah, it's not just the celebrity.
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: Is like, I can't help but compare myself to my friends.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: But remember everyone is doing that. So someone is doing
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: that to you. Someone you're encountering throughout your day is saying,
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: like I wish I looked like that girl, Like I
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: wish I had her laugh her teeth. Whatever it is,
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: it is a constant, revolving wheel of comparisons. Do you
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: have a sister? I do I have an older sister? Okay,
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: are you guys tight? No? Okay. I was just gonna say, like,
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: when I get a little distracted by like what's important
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: and what isn't, I remind myself to think about if
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: I would allow this to happen to my sister. Would
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: I allow my sister to go through the day beating
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: herself up about her looks? No, I wouldn't. So I
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: was going to say to you to think of someone
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: in your life that you really care about and how
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: you would feel if they were treating themselves like this,
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: like a daughter or a niece or you know, someone's friend, Yeah,
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: one of your best friends. Like, you don't want anyone
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: to feel this way. You don't want you want to
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: be empowered and emboldened as a woman and as an
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: example for other women in your life. Right, I mean
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: it is true. Like also, personality effects so much of
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: what you see as beautiful people, because if someone's beautiful
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: and they're a shitty person, you don't think that they're
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: attractive anymore exactly. And let me tell you, if you
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: had a confidence to walk up to that ouncer or
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: security at the bar with an authority like you were
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: going to get in, he probably would have let you in.
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: It's just like that Amy Shumor movie. Like, it's all
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: about your perception. So if you come off like no,
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: I'm like I am hot, I look fucking hot, I
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: feel hot, Like that's what people are going to see.
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: When you're perceiving yourself in a certain way, it can
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: challenge what people think of you because it's just the
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: energy you're putting off. So go into tomorrow with a
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: different mentality of how you're going to look at yourself
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: in the mirror through other people's lenses, and I'm sure
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: you're going to see an adjustment. Yeah, like confidence is hot. Yeah, thing,
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: So grab onto that. Write a fucking note to yourself.
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: Put confidence right next to your nightstand, so when you
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: wake up every morning, you're like, okay, copy that and
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: then carry it around with you. All right, I'll put
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: it on my mirror. Yeah yeah, put it on your mirror. Yeah,
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: with a picture of me next to it with a
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: thumbs up. Yeah, that's what I'll put that. I love that.
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: I'll see that every day. Yeah yeah, and then remember confidence.
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: Report back, Charlotte. Let us know how it's going. Well,
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: do you have a boyfriend? No, Okay, I don't want that. Okay,
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: you don't. Well, that that's confidence right there. There you go? Okay,
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: all right by Charlotte. Problem, thank you so much. This
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: was so great by Charlotte. Fine, she was cute. Yeah,
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: another cutie, Petuti. The confidence issues that people place on
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: the very pervasive issue, and especially like younger girls, it's
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: real bad out there. Huh. Aren't you so glad that
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: you didn't grow up with social media? So glad I
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: don't have a child. I am so glad I don't
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: have a daughter that needs to be raised or that
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: needs confidence instilled in her, or that I have to
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: watch a girl like go through heartbreak or I couldn't.
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: When do you feel your most confident? I don't know.
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: Actually have multiple parts that, like when do you feel sexist? Well,
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: I mean it helps to be like in hair and makeup,
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: you know, like an out and about in a nice
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: outfit and like where you're dressed up. You know, I'm
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: not gonna get dressed up on my own. So that's
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: half the time. I feel the most confident when I'm
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: working and I have to be in hair and makeup
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: and I'm appearing on like a talk show or Okay,
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: but so let's split that up. Is that when you
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: feel your sexiest or most confident or do you feel
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: like those are one and the same, because that's women
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: are conditioned to believe that they're most confident should be
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: when they feel the sexiest. There's so many perspectives to
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: take on this, but yeah, I'm sure that the hair
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: and makeup, you do feel sexy because you feel put together,
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: you feel presentable. Some women feel I feel sexy when
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: I'm having sex. That's what I feel sexy, and I'm
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: having sex with somebody that's sexy, and I feel like,
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: not to put a man's perspective on what you feel,
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: but there's a certain confidence I see in you. When
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: you're skiing and you're completely covered, you can't see any
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: part of your body, but you are on the mountain.
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: There is like a confidence that I see in you
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: that you know that you can do anything. You're willing
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: to try anything. Thank you, Brandon, You're welcome. That's what
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: I was saying. Surely I've like there's a skill or
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: a talent, or there's there's so many other ways to
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: feel feel sex, to feel confident, feel like you have
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: something of value or worth well. I think competence is
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: has a lot to do with confidence. You know, for women,
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: it's like when we feel competent in an area, we
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: feel very confident in that area, whereas men feel competent
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: and confident when they shouldn't most of the time. Yeah,
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: so I think women it's a game, because it's not
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: a game. It's almost like there's been this number done
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: on all women, you know, believing that we have to
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: live up to these expectations. And I'm just as guilty
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: as the next girl for buying into all that ship.
• 45:39
  Speaker 1: So we do care a lot about the way we look.
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: I mean, when I see you stressing out about your looks,
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: it's funny to me, or like you know, your diet
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: or whatever. I'm like, oh my god, I can't believe that.
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: But gay men are just like women like with in
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: terms of their vani. I've been sitting here the entire
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: time we have been recording some of these to see
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: what it might look like for video, And there were
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: single frames of each of us, and there was a
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: shot of me and the cameras crystal clear, and I
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: hated that it's all been thinking about what about the shot?
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah right, oh yeah, Like it stresses me out just
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: thinking about like I don't want that single shot going
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: anywhere like I looked like ship, Yeah, well so did I.
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: So we're even. So we're both canall those so now
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: we'll do a double double shot. We don't like polaroids
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: being taken from now on because everyone looks good in
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: the polaroid. I like to look blown out, is what
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: I like to look. You're not blowing out like some
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: of these women with the filters where it's like where
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: do your eyes begin? In your cheeks? And none of
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: it makes sense. You're just a potato. That's who we
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: should have. Call in a potato, your little potato, Your
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: next potato. Potato is not gonna be a little potato anymore.
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: And he's not gonna sit in my lap next summer.
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: I bet it seems like he is. He's a sprouting potato.
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: He's going to be he's going to be an adolescent
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: potato suit and then it's going to be no more
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: funny stuff. How old is he? Twelve? Potato summer over?
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: Goodbye potato. And for those of you who don't know potato,
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: that's my nephew who I just got a very troubling
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: picture from my sister or my brother because it's his
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: son where he looks like he's about fucking twenty five,
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: and he was eleven last year and a baby and
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: still sat on top of me. They hid an age
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: where they will no longer sit with you in that way,
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: and I missed it. It happened during COVID and I
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: missed it. So that was my last baby. We have
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: one other baby in the family, Russell, but he did
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: never sits with me, So it's just like Burton Bernice
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: all over again. All right, Well, we've gotten into quite
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: a bit today, so why don't we take a quick
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: break and we'll be right back. Okay, sounds good. Hello
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: Sarah from West Virginia, age thirty four. She is an
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: environmental biologist. She writes, Dear Chelsea, what advice do you
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: have for people with social anxiety where you struggle with
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: going out in public places, having to be a leader
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: role at work, or working with people you don't know
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: will or even in the case of healthy living, with
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: having social anxiety, to go run or bike in public
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: or even the gym. Sincerely, the anxiety chick who had
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: anxiety readiness, I know that feeling. You know who else
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: has this feeling combasing her she has terrible social anxiety.
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah she does. She has a phobia of groups.
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: You know, there's something called propanolol that's a beta blocker.
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: You have to get a prescription from your doctor, but
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: you should talk to your doctor about propan all or
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: any other beta blocker because that will be the first
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: step to you to kind of ease your nervousness, and
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: it will just kind of like it just does something
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: to your brain where it kind of blocks off the
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: neurow pathways that send the message to your brain that
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: you are going to be nervous. It stops that. However,
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: your nervousness could present, like if you get dry mouth
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: or you have shaky leg or whatever. There are multiple
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: ways you should talk to your doctor about a beta
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: blocker because that helps so many people. Taras on the phone,
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: did you realize, sorry, sometimes forget people. Sometimes people are
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: calling it. I was just in in listening, yeahstening. What
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: state are you in, Sarah, West Virginia? So you guys
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: don't have legalized cannabis there? We do not, Okay, So
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: do you have a local GP that you can talk
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: to about a beta blocker? I do, but I do
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: take a maybe a beta block blocker. I take Zoloft,
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: well that's for anxiety. All that's for depression, right, but
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: to also take well Beautran for that, so it's a mix.
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: So Zoloft and well Beautron though are for depression, both
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: of them. So it is we're talking to your doctor
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: about him prescribing you a beta blocker because I have
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: heard some people have had not great side effects, like
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: it kind of turns them into a zombie blah blah blah.
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: For me, it's exactly what I needed. I had a
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: shaky legs syndrome period, which was very weird and unsettling.
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: Since I stand up for a fucking living, so I
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: take Preparanto law before I go on stage. I take
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: a half of one. I don't really need to take it,
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: but I take it because it's an insurance policy for
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: me that I'm not going to get. You know what.
• 49:57
  Speaker 1: It also helps me with not talking so fast, because
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: that is a big problem of mine, is talking where
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: I'm winded and I have to slow it down. And
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: I'm sure it's also very frustrating for the people that
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: listen to this podcast when I talk fast. So my apologies.
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: I am working on it, and please remember that we're
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: not fucking doctors. I know I sound like one because
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: I have a lot of medical experience in my own experience,
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: and of course I'm illegally prescribing things to my friends
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: and family. But you cannot listen to me and then say,
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: Chelsea said, this was a great idea. You kind of
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: have to talk to someone else in between that. So
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean. You can't. You can't listen
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: to me and go, I said, because there are people
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: that will do that and I'm telling you not to.
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: So if you're listening to this podcast, you must like me,
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: right and want to listen to me. I mean, you
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: know you don't have to listen to me, but seriously
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: listen to me. For instance, I had very bad anxiety,
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: and I took one pparental law before I publicly spoke
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: for like a week. Then I took a half and
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: out every once in a while, I take a half
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: if I feel it, So you don't. You're not on
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: it for a long period of time. But it's a
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: good transitional prescription, I think, or something that takes the
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: edge off. Well, you don't want to take the edge
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: off too much, right, because you want to be there,
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: So you want to kind of be able to conquer
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: your anxiety without relying on too much medication, right, And
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: it's not something that you feel in the way like
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: having a cocktail or like an edible or canvas where
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: you can feel it take the edge off when you
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: take it. I've taken one before. I gave my partner one.
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: He took it before officiating my sister's wedding. So it
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: really just kind of puts you in a state where
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: you don't even realize there's been a change, but your
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: heart rates slower. You just feel a little bit easier
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: in the situation. And yeah, and then I think, what
• 51:44
  Speaker 1: what I would say to you is to try that
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: for a while, and then you can all of a
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: sudden just start parsing it in half. It's just about
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: training your brain not to have that anxiety inducement. So, like,
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: how does your anxiety present when you are anxious and
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: you go to like a social gathering. My heart feels
• 52:02
  Speaker 1: like it's going to be out of my chest A
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: lot of times if I even go. That's the part
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: right there. I usually just don't even go. I try
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: to think of any excuse really, like oh, my cat
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: is sick. I just try to think of excuses if
• 52:13
  Speaker 1: I could even go. But all the time, it's sweating,
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: always cracking, dread of like oh man, what if I
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: say something wrong or bad or embarrassing? Yeah yeah, yeah yeah. Okay,
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: So this is definitely gonna help you. So you do
• 52:25
  Speaker 1: have a g P right that you can talk to
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: about this? I do? Okay, okay, great? And what other
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: tools do you have in your arsenal to combat anxiety?
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: I try to have a lot of hobbies that seems
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: to kind of help because it helps with like fidgeting
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: or something softly waiting in a waiting room. I'm just like,
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: you know, I'll just go and fidget with something, or
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: I'll do a puzzle, you know, just like little brain
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: game type things that just keeps my mind busy. But
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: really that's my main outlet. And do you meditate or
• 52:51
  Speaker 1: anything like that? I do not. Well, then there you go.
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: That's another thing you can do that's going to help
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: you right away. If you start, like go onto headspace,
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: or go on a call whoseever voice you like better,
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: and or go onto like Deepak Chopra one of these apps.
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: It sounds annoying, but it helps calm your brain down.
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: So meditation as an elixir to anxiety works for sure.
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: First of all, you should get into the practice of meditating,
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: because no one's ever started meditating and then said that sucked,
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: I'm worse. No one says that. So if you can
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: get into the habit, just try five minutes, three minutes,
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: little times every morning. Just get into the habit of meditation.
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter how long you do it for, and
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: then use it because there are specific ones on all
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: of these apps. If it's for anxiety, if it's for
• 53:35
  Speaker 1: going into a social environment, if it's for and you
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: use that just to calm your breath down before you're
• 53:40
  Speaker 1: entering one of these things that makes you nervous, to
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: literally just take the time of breathing in and breathing
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: out for three to five minutes on one of these apps,
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: and that will help you immensely. Meditation is just that's
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: exactly what it's for, is people with anxiety. It sounds
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: great too, because it's more natural. You don't have to
• 53:57
  Speaker 1: worry about relying on anything other than just like your
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: inner self. Really, so that would be probably the best
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: starter for me right now. Too. That sounds great. Yeah,
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: And do you sleep well? I actually do sleep well
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: until there's like a big event coming up. Then I
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: just think about all the things that will go wrong,
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: and then I won't sleep well, you know how dreams
• 54:14
  Speaker 1: about it, things like that. What do you do for work, Sarah? So,
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: I am an environmental consultant or a biologist, which means
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: I go in catch, you know, endangered species and move
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: them out of places. So if you wanted to build
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: like a Walgreens or something, I would be in there
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: and I would go, say the tortoise that was there,
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: or I would net the bets that were there. You
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: have venomous snakes, I'll remove your venomous snakes. I do
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: things like that. So the venomous snakes are on the
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: site that they're going to build the walgreens, her mind
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: is only going to the snakes. Snakes. We're in West Virginia,
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: you know it could happen. So you basically go and
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: remove whatever's block. I mean, you're not going into a
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: Walgreens and getting the venomous snake right there. It's like
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: pre it's all pre construction. Okay, okay, yeah, So there's
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: any type of threatening endangered species, we go pre was
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: and I'll like mark all the tortoise burrows, so hopefully
• 55:03
  Speaker 1: no one will. I'll scope it and make sure there's
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: nobody home. If there is, we try to move it
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: somewhere so it won't be destroyed or fun ways that
• 55:10
  Speaker 1: they can go around it. Okay, So you know what
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: another good thing is, because you seem very confident when
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: you're talking about your work. When you're in a situation,
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: a social situation, you should choose the things that you
• 55:20
  Speaker 1: have the most confidence and competency about when you're talking
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: to people, and that way you're not going to say
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: anything stupid. You're gonna be talking about your work, which
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: is very interesting. How often do we meet a biologists? Brandon?
• 55:30
  Speaker 1: Never you our first? Yeah, well no, that's that's really smart.
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: I've never even thoughts thank you. People love animals, So
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: you can leverage this one thing that you know so
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: much about. Who wants to turn down a conversation about
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: sucking animals? Really nobody. Someone's got a cat video they
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: want to show you, and if they do, they're a
• 55:45
  Speaker 1: fucking asshole. Anyway, you don't want to be in that conversation.
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: But there is a certain level, like I saw that
• 55:50
  Speaker 1: immediately as soon as you start talking about work, that
• 55:53
  Speaker 1: your demeanor kind of changed, that your voice changed, And
• 55:57
  Speaker 1: so I'm sure that you have that inside of you,
• 55:59
  Speaker 1: that level of confidence with things outside of maybe your
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: purview or your interests. But also so much of a
• 56:07
  Speaker 1: conversation or an interaction with people is listening. Most people
• 56:10
  Speaker 1: want to talk about themselves, so you can just let
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: that conversation go. People won't shut the funk up, so
• 56:14
  Speaker 1: you can just be there and listen, nod your head.
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: It relieves the pressure from you. And one thing that
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: I used to do because I had like group anxiety,
• 56:21
  Speaker 1: is I would go and introduce myself to everybody, and
• 56:24
  Speaker 1: it gave me like a sense of control where it
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: was like you just made this space. It was like, oh,
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: that's so uncomfortable. It was really uncomfortable. But when I
• 56:30
  Speaker 1: would go to a party, I would kind of retreat
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: and like not talk to anyone or like only talk
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: to who I came with. And as soon as I
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: started forcing myself to like introduce myself or compliment someone
• 56:40
  Speaker 1: on what they were wearing to kind of break that ice,
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: I felt like I had more control of myself in
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: that scenario where being in that group setting didn't feel
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: like I was so isolated and alone. It's like, oh,
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: I already talked to half the people here. Now I
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: don't feel a pressure. Yeah. I mean I always like
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: to try to challenge myself anyway. So well, that's good.
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: That's what you should do. You should go it and
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: so that you're controlling the situation. The situation isn't controlling you. Yeah,
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: that's solid advice. You're right. It's it's nice to hear
• 57:05
  Speaker 1: from a different perspective and be like, oh, yeah, it
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: makes perfect sense hearing it. Yeah, and don't sit in
• 57:10
  Speaker 1: and hide away from people. Look how adorable you are. People.
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: We need to know you and to meet you, and
• 57:14
  Speaker 1: this is it, like, yeah, this is our life. Have fun,
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: and you would be amazed how easy it is to
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: get over the little things that kind of hold us
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: back for so much. You know, if you just start
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: giving yourself those regular challenges even more so than you
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: already have been doing, I think you'll see results really quickly,
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: and you'll start to notice that you feel more calm
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: in this situation. And you have this meditation you can
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: use that and if worst case scenario, like if you
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: want to go to your doctor, and get a beta blocker.
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: Try that out. Yeah, okay, I mean here's a good
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: challenge anyway. I mean I'm talking to Brandon and Chelsea,
• 57:45
  Speaker 1: so that's right, pretty good challenge for the day. I think,
• 57:48
  Speaker 1: all right, well that's the three of us. Make the
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: a team. You me, Brandon, keep us posted. Sarah. Thanks Sarah,
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: thank you so much. You're welcome so much. Have fun
• 57:57
  Speaker 1: in your next party. Oh yeah, maybe she's going right now,
• 58:00
  Speaker 1: who knows. Bye, Sarah, Thank you. How do you feel
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: about the advice given today? I feel like a lot
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: of people are taking this very seriously, including us, and
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: I think that's good. I didn't say taking ourselves very seriously.
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: If you noticed as it taking this very seriously. So
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: I mean you could take our leave our advice. Really,
• 58:22
  Speaker 1: it doesn't really matter. What matters is that we're here
• 58:25
  Speaker 1: and available to give it. I think she may leave
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: the propanel, but for anyone, I just think people should
• 58:31
  Speaker 1: leverage it. If it's not like oxy, it's you know,
• 58:34
  Speaker 1: there are things that have been created to really help
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: enhance the way you go through life, and panel is
• 58:40
  Speaker 1: one of them. And we had we had to have
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: a difficult conversation one time. Oh, This is right after
• 58:45
  Speaker 1: I painted your deck black. For anyone who doesn't know,
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: I don't know how you wouldn't because she talked about
• 58:49
  Speaker 1: it everywhere. But I made a little whoopsie and we
• 58:52
  Speaker 1: had to have a really tough conversation. Hey painted my
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: entire deck black, shiny black, so the dogs couldn't even
• 58:58
  Speaker 1: walk on it because their paws would burn. Yeah, it
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: was shiny like a nineties porn set. Yeah, it was
• 59:05
  Speaker 1: just not the color that A. It's too hot to
• 59:07
  Speaker 1: step on, so that's not going to work. B. It
• 59:10
  Speaker 1: was really hard to look at compared to the rest
• 59:14
  Speaker 1: of my house, which was brown. Well I'm beautiful, but anyway,
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: So the point of that was we had to have
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: a tough conversation, and I knew we were going to
• 59:20
  Speaker 1: have to have it, and I knew there were both
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: things that we wanted to say, and I took a
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: propanal right before that, and we got through that conversation
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: because it wasn't emotive, it was just facts from both
• 59:30
  Speaker 1: of our sides. And that was one of those times
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: I was like, see, this is exactly why something like
• 59:36
  Speaker 1: this exists, because you just need to get through it, right,
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: have a great weekend. I guess yeah, we're gonna road.
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: I think so. I think it's time. If you want
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: any assistance with your partner, your best friend, really, anything,
• 59:52
  Speaker 1: you can write into Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot
• 59:54
  Speaker 1: com Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com