Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 354. Dealing with Resentment Part 2

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354. Dealing with Resentment Part 2 · Do You F*cking Mind?

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Speaker 1: Guys, welcome to part two of this episode, where I
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Speaker 1: am continuing on from the theme of the episode, but
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Speaker 1: we're going into specific specific questions that you guys have
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Speaker 1: written in or scenarios that you guys have written in,
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Speaker 1: and we can kind of workshop it together. So I
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Speaker 1: put in my question box, when do you feel like
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Speaker 1: you've resented someone the most? And someone said, and this
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Speaker 1: is a really like honest one, I'm resentful to my
0:40
Speaker 1: friends falling pregnant naturally or by accident or for free.
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Speaker 1: And this is a perfect example of resenting where it's
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Speaker 1: all about powerlessness, where you have no power in the situation.
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Speaker 1: And this is a great example because they've done nothing
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Speaker 1: wrong either, so you're feeling super powerless about your situation,
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Speaker 1: and their situation has just highlighted how powerless you feel
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Speaker 1: about your situation. So I think just acknowledging in this
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Speaker 1: moment that this resentment is actually not towards your friends.
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Speaker 1: It's a frustration to your current situation, and it's really
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Speaker 1: important to remind yourself every time that crops up. You're
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Speaker 1: just thinking, no, their situation has just highlighted my current situation,
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Speaker 1: but they're not. It's not causal they're not causing this pain.
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Speaker 1: The pain is caused by my own frustrations that are
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Speaker 1: happening with my personal situation. Okay, this is just me
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Speaker 1: seeing it is just reminding me of my current situation.
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Speaker 1: And when you remind yourself of that, when you analyze
1:47
Speaker 1: it in that way, it helps you be less resentful
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Speaker 1: towards your friends, because you're really resenting your situation that
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Speaker 1: you're in that you have no power over. But this
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Speaker 1: resenting is going to make you feel more powerless. You're
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Speaker 1: already in a position where you don't have much power
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Speaker 1: over it, so then to then feel resent to resent
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Speaker 1: people when they've done nothing specifically wrong. There's a difference
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Speaker 1: between someone rubbing something in your face and someone just
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Speaker 1: existing and having something that you wish that you had. Okay,
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Speaker 1: someone's rubbing something in your face, there's things you can
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Speaker 1: do about it, like have an open conversation with them
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Speaker 1: and talk about respectful boundaries in a friendship. But if
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Speaker 1: they're just existing, then I think it's really good to
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Speaker 1: analyze it and look at it as how can I
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Speaker 1: take some of my power back? And I could do
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Speaker 1: that by learning to separate the two things. Okay, someone
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Speaker 1: else wrote people not defending me. This is a really
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Speaker 1: big one where I think we really wish that people
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Speaker 1: defend us in a certain situation because we feel really
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Speaker 1: hurt or we feel that, you know, when something's happening
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Speaker 1: to us, it's very magnified, it's very highlighted. But then
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Speaker 1: we expect people to defend us. There's two things that
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Speaker 1: happen when you're expecting someone to defend you. You're expecting
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Speaker 1: them to be able to stand up to something or someone.
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Speaker 1: You're expecting them to be confident enough to do that,
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Speaker 1: to have the tools to be able to do that.
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Speaker 1: Some people might have all the empathy in the world,
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Speaker 1: but they don't have what it takes to then get
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Speaker 1: up and stand up for you. They might be scared,
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Speaker 1: they might just freeze. They might it might not be
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Speaker 1: from a lack of caring. It's just that they themselves
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Speaker 1: don't have the tools to defend you in that way.
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Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that they're against you, they just might
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Speaker 1: not know how to defend you. And number two, you're
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Speaker 1: thinking that they're agreeing with you, and you expect to
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Speaker 1: be defended. So a lot of people will expect their
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Speaker 1: friends to have their back no matter what I disagree
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Speaker 1: with that. If I act like a fucking idiot, I
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Speaker 1: don't think my friends should have my back. I think
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Speaker 1: a good friend would say, you're not can't defend you here.
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Speaker 1: You're being a fuck with right now. And while I
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Speaker 1: wouldn't want to, I can't say i'd love that, but
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Speaker 1: I think it would be really honest and healthy for
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Speaker 1: a friend to be like, can't defend you there because
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Speaker 1: I don't actually agree with you. I'm not going to
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Speaker 1: throw you under the bus. But I'm also not going
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Speaker 1: to defend someone I don't agree with. And a lot
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Speaker 1: of people are like, oh my god, am my god, No, no, no,
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Speaker 1: you always have to have your friends' backs. I personally
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Speaker 1: disagree with that. I think you've got to stick to
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Speaker 1: your guns. You've got to stick to your roles. I'm
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Speaker 1: not here to throw my friends under the bus, but
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Speaker 1: if I don't agree with them, I do not need
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Speaker 1: to defend their argument. Okay, that just makes no sense
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Speaker 1: to me. So maybe you look at it, it's like,
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Speaker 1: maybe they haven't defended me because they've got their own
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Speaker 1: fucking shit going on. Maybe it's not personal. Maybe I
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Speaker 1: could look at it from their perspective, or again from
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Speaker 1: a third party perspective, Maybe I can think of a
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Speaker 1: time where I wasn't able to defend someone else because
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Speaker 1: I didn't feel comfortable doing so, And then instantly you
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Speaker 1: start to think, Wow, I can take power back in
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Speaker 1: this situation. Wow, I can see it from another perspective.
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Speaker 1: It's not a personal attack. It's just they were in
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Speaker 1: a situation where they couldn't or they felt uncomfortable to
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Speaker 1: do so. Next one someone said, lots of small things
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Speaker 1: that I don't address within a friendship, and then they
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Speaker 1: build up. So this is a perfect example of lack
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Speaker 1: of communication and lack of repair, and then you snapping
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Speaker 1: because it builds up, and a lot of people struggle
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Speaker 1: to raise things with their friends, really struggle to rais
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Speaker 1: things with their friends. But the downside of that, or
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Speaker 1: the repercussion of that, is that you then harbor so
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Speaker 1: much against them, so in order to keep the peace,
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Speaker 1: you then have turmoil in your head. I would rather
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Speaker 1: have temporary turmoil, real turmoil in front of two people
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Speaker 1: where we're talking about something uncomfortable, temporary discomfort for peace
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Speaker 1: of mind, then fake peace in a relationship, and then
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Speaker 1: turmoil in my own head any day of the week.
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Speaker 1: So you've got to weigh it up what do I
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Speaker 1: value more? And you'll be surprised at if they're a
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Speaker 1: good friend. Where it's an even dynamic, you'll be surprised
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Speaker 1: at how relatively easy it will be. Not the first time.
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Speaker 1: First time is fucked. I'm not going to sugarcoat it,
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Speaker 1: but after the first time of raising something with your friend,
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Speaker 1: it's actually quite easy when you confront someone to then
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Speaker 1: do it again in the future. And confronting doesn't have
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Speaker 1: to be an attack. It's so simple as do you
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Speaker 1: mind if I talk to you about something? Can I
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Speaker 1: have a moment? They say yes because they're your friend,
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Speaker 1: and you say, I'd love to just hear your perspective
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Speaker 1: on this. But when you did this, I took it
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Speaker 1: this way. Could you explain to me what you meant
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Speaker 1: when you said that? Could you again? Always turn the tables,
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Speaker 1: Always give them the floor to talk, Always give them
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Speaker 1: the floor to explain themselves. Turn it into a question,
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Speaker 1: not an attack. That is the best way to approach it.
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Speaker 1: How did you say it from your perspective? I just
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Speaker 1: want to know how you saw it. I just want
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Speaker 1: to see your part because I just read it this way.
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Speaker 1: Is that how you intended for it to be read.
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Speaker 1: Is that how you intended for me to take your
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Speaker 1: behaviors that kind of stuff. The next one, my boyfriend's
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Speaker 1: parents don't approve of us moving overseas. They're very attached
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Speaker 1: yet lacking empathy. So how can you take the power
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Speaker 1: in this situation? So maybe you can be empathetic to
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Speaker 1: them in this situation. You can be like, they don't
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Speaker 1: need to understand us for us to still be able
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Speaker 1: to do something. Maybe they're very fearful. Maybe they've had
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Speaker 1: many things in their life cause them to be fearful
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Speaker 1: and not want to make big adventures. I feel bad
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Speaker 1: because they are looking at it from a fearful perspective.
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Speaker 1: Maybe they're also from a different generation, they're saying, So
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Speaker 1: maybe you really take the power back when you're Instead
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Speaker 1: of being angry and annoyed, you can be like, I
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Speaker 1: can be aware enough that even though I disagree with you,
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Speaker 1: I can see how you've come to that conclusion, and
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Speaker 1: I'm at peace with the fact that we disagree. I'm
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Speaker 1: at peace with the fact that you've come to this
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Speaker 1: conclusion and you're struggling to see it from our point
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Speaker 1: of view. But I'm able to see how you've come
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Speaker 1: to that thought. Okay, I don't expect you to support
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Speaker 1: me if you don't understand why I'm doing it. That
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Speaker 1: makes sense, That makes sense. You don't understand, you disagree,
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Speaker 1: you're scared, so of course you're not gonna support us.
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Speaker 1: I get it. But that's not going to stop me
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Speaker 1: from doing what I'm doing because I see it from
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Speaker 1: a different perspective. Now you've got the power back, bang, instantly,
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Speaker 1: you got the power back. The opposite to that is hardboring,
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Speaker 1: like this anger, this frustration of why are they doing
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Speaker 1: this and who's suffering you? You're suffering. They're gonna feel
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Speaker 1: the same way because you're still gonna go, so their
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Speaker 1: feeling's not gonna change, so it sucks for them regardless. Right,
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Speaker 1: But you've got to look at how you're going to
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Speaker 1: experience this thing. Someone said how my mum treated me
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Speaker 1: as a child. Now I'm older, I realize it was
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Speaker 1: not okay. And you can still maintain that it was
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Speaker 1: not okay. You can still acknowledge the truth of that situation.
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Speaker 1: But also I think it's important to be like, what
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Speaker 1: was done to me was not okay, but me resenting
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Speaker 1: and expecting maybe do I expect an apology? Do I
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Speaker 1: expect repair? Or do I expect things to just continue
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Speaker 1: the way they're going? Like? What am I expecting? So
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Speaker 1: ask yourself this. Maybe you're sitting here expecting repair from
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Speaker 1: someone who can never give it to you. Expecting things
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Speaker 1: from someone who has a track record of doing the
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Speaker 1: exact opposite is your recipe to resentment. So maybe you
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Speaker 1: can ask yourself this, is she capable? Because if she
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Speaker 1: is not capable of seeing it, of changing, of repairing,
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Speaker 1: maybe the damage is too big and you can't repair.
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Speaker 1: Then I can still acknowledge that all of it was bad,
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Speaker 1: but it allows me to take some of the power
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Speaker 1: back and not harbor all this resentment. I'm able to
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Speaker 1: be like, that was fucked. That was fucked. But who
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Speaker 1: you are is different to me. What I expect from
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Speaker 1: you is little to nothing, and I control the trajectory
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Speaker 1: of where I'm heading from here. I can look at
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Speaker 1: everything you've done and acknowledge it as wrong, but I
9:42
Speaker 1: don't have to be here harboring and revisiting thinking you
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Speaker 1: haven't you haven't made it right? You know what I mean?
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Speaker 1: You're different to me, You're a different person, so I'm
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Speaker 1: not gonna expect what I would expect from myself. I'm
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Speaker 1: not gonna expect that from you because you don't have
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Speaker 1: the track record of following through for me. Okay, someone
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Speaker 1: said someone I was dating broke up with me no
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Speaker 1: context or warning, just before a date, which is fucked.
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Speaker 1: But that's on them again. How can I change this
10:08
Speaker 1: to make me feel more accepting of the situation. You
10:11
Speaker 1: can say this person's a bit of a coward. This
10:13
Speaker 1: person is scared. They're full of fear. They fear confrontation.
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Speaker 1: They can't even talk to me properly about this. They
10:21
Speaker 1: can't communicate the issues prior. Okay, they feel that the
10:24
Speaker 1: only way to get out of this is by literally
10:27
Speaker 1: pulling the pin and bailing the poor communication. They waste
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Speaker 1: other people's time. There's a lot fucking on with this individual.
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Speaker 1: Do I want a part of that or not? And
10:39
Speaker 1: when you look at it that way, as hurtful as
10:41
Speaker 1: it is, ultimately I'm telling you right now you don't
10:45
Speaker 1: want to be a part of that. You don't? You
10:46
Speaker 1: think you might? You don't, So you could look at
10:51
Speaker 1: it as not only will I turn this around so
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Speaker 1: I can feel more powerful, but I also will learn
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Speaker 1: that I don't need to entertain this person again where
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Speaker 1: to come back. I can just not have to entertain it.
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Speaker 1: I don't need an apology from them. I can see
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Speaker 1: it from their perspective that they are very different to me.
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Speaker 1: They are struggling with communication, They're full of fear. This
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Speaker 1: is someone I don't need to be engaging with to
11:11
Speaker 1: have a healthy, blossoming relationship. That is on you, my friend,
11:16
Speaker 1: all the fucking best bond, fucking voyage on your merry way, okay,
11:21
Speaker 1: And that really helps you release that resentment because you've
11:26
Speaker 1: looked at it from their perspective and their head is
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Speaker 1: a shambles versus yours. You don't need that, okay. Power
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Speaker 1: is restored. People that are always late. I love this
11:35
Speaker 1: one because I've dealt with this quite a bit. So
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Speaker 1: if someone is always late but they're a legend and
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Speaker 1: you really enjoy their company, this is one of the
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Speaker 1: things that can really infuriate you because always being late,
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Speaker 1: ultimately is a sign of just not respecting that person's
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Speaker 1: time as much as they're respecting theirs. Like that's just
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Speaker 1: call it what you want, but that is what it is.
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Speaker 1: It's a lack of respect for their time and How
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Speaker 1: do I know this is because if you were going
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Speaker 1: on a date with the absolute crush love of your life,
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Speaker 1: you fuck them wouldn't be late, would you. You would
12:09
Speaker 1: not be late. So it's got to do with, oh,
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Speaker 1: this person's available, this person's not gonna abandon me, so
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Speaker 1: I can not factoring their time is so important as
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Speaker 1: I would maybe you know, a like an interview or
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Speaker 1: a date with the crush off my life or whatever.
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Speaker 1: So whoever you want to look at it, that is
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Speaker 1: what it comes down to. But they're probably not consciously
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Speaker 1: thinking that. They're not thinking, oh, fuck them, I'm gonna
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Speaker 1: be late. They're probably thinking, oh, I've got shit to do,
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Speaker 1: They'll be fine, They'll be fine. They always accept it,
12:37
Speaker 1: it's okay, so what so often people are late also
12:42
Speaker 1: because they've they've been allowed to be late. You know,
12:45
Speaker 1: if every time they rocked up to an event everyone
12:48
Speaker 1: had left, I can guarantee you they're not gonna be
12:49
Speaker 1: late in the future. If every time they were late
12:52
Speaker 1: everyone had left, they would not be late again. But
12:55
Speaker 1: because they get away with it, they continue to do
12:57
Speaker 1: it because there's no repercussions. So you can just am
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Speaker 1: I going to have repercussions. Am I going to wait
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Speaker 1: ten minutes and then leave every time? Or am I
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Speaker 1: just going to be like fuck this? I'm going to
13:07
Speaker 1: learn how to manage this. And that's what I've done.
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Speaker 1: With a handful of friends of mine that are consistently
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Speaker 1: late for one of them, what I say to them is,
13:15
Speaker 1: because we don't live that far from each other, I'll say,
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Speaker 1: let me know when you've left yours and I'll live mine.
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Speaker 1: So it's not let's meet at this time. And then
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Speaker 1: if they have left it too late, I'll say, oh,
13:25
Speaker 1: maybe all good. I can't make it anymore. It's too late.
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Speaker 1: Now simple, I'm not angry. I've got the power. The
13:31
Speaker 1: next thing is, if it's someone that you know, for
13:34
Speaker 1: whatever reason, they have to be at a certain time,
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Speaker 1: you can't give them that thing. I will go somewhere
13:39
Speaker 1: and I'll have an intended time of how long I'm
13:42
Speaker 1: going to be there. So I'm meeting a friend at
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Speaker 1: a cafe. But what I do is I do things
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Speaker 1: that I'm really going to enjoy. I'll bring my favorite book,
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Speaker 1: I'll sit at the cafe. I'll order my coffee first,
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Speaker 1: I'll read the book. I get a nice fifteen minutes.
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Speaker 1: If they're late of reading the book that I really enjoyed,
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Speaker 1: I've taken the power back. I'm enjoying myself because the
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Speaker 1: alternative is to cut them out and be like you
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Speaker 1: fucking respect my time. I refuse to have like people
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Speaker 1: and my love blah blah blah. But then I've just
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Speaker 1: cut out someone who's probably really fun and just a
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Speaker 1: dud at being. It's not my job to teach someone
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Speaker 1: how to be on time. It's my job to manage
14:12
Speaker 1: my expectations of people and to manage how I experience
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Speaker 1: my life. If I'm gonna sit there for fifteen minutes festering,
14:18
Speaker 1: and then when they get there, I'm pissed off and
14:19
Speaker 1: I'm a shitty version of myself because I'm annoyed and
14:22
Speaker 1: I'm resenting them. How has my day gone? Not very well?
14:27
Speaker 1: How's it because I'm not in control of my own emotions?
14:31
Speaker 1: So that's how you want to look at it. I'm
14:32
Speaker 1: gonna do too more, no compliments, never touched me, and
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Speaker 1: then gets angry when I don't want sex. So I
14:40
Speaker 1: think that this is I think this is really important
14:44
Speaker 1: in a relationship. This has got to do with compatibility
14:48
Speaker 1: sexually and I think this has got It's so important
14:52
Speaker 1: to communicate this because if you I think sex starts
14:57
Speaker 1: when you wake up, like nighttime sex starts when you
14:59
Speaker 1: wake up. It is how you treated each other throughout
15:02
Speaker 1: the day, how you spoke to each other. Were there
15:04
Speaker 1: moments of you know, if your partner is leaving, oh
15:07
Speaker 1: so if and then they leave, or if they grab you,
15:10
Speaker 1: kiss you, hug you love you so much, I'll call
15:12
Speaker 1: you when I whatever, or they send you a message
15:15
Speaker 1: out the day, they tell you how they feel about you.
15:17
Speaker 1: If they are romantic throughout the day, then come nighttime
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Speaker 1: you are keen as a fucking bean. You're down to bang, right,
15:25
Speaker 1: But if you like ignored, like they treat you like
15:29
Speaker 1: just their tread a mate, there's no intimacy and then
15:34
Speaker 1: they expect to get it on later on. This has
15:35
Speaker 1: to be communicated because that's going to be eventually that's
15:37
Speaker 1: going to be a deal break, and that would make
15:38
Speaker 1: you snap. I don't think this is something that you
15:40
Speaker 1: can just overlook. So you need to really really speak
15:42
Speaker 1: about your compatibility. And for me personally, I can tell
15:48
Speaker 1: you right now that if I was treated where there
15:50
Speaker 1: was no compliments, no chemistry, none of that ever, but
15:55
Speaker 1: then sex was expected. I could not make that lust
15:59
Speaker 1: because that would be an negotiable for me. I would
16:01
Speaker 1: need to feel the love, not just in sex. So
16:05
Speaker 1: that I think that would come down to is this
16:07
Speaker 1: going to be a deal breaker or not? Because there's
16:09
Speaker 1: gonna be deal breakers, and with the deal breaker you
16:10
Speaker 1: just have to walk away. And then last one, but
16:13
Speaker 1: there's a couple more. When they got away with hurting
16:16
Speaker 1: me with no repercussions and no accountability, well my question
16:21
Speaker 1: to you is why the fuck did they get away
16:23
Speaker 1: with it with no repercussions? Only you can determine that.
16:26
Speaker 1: Only you could lay down the repercussions if you're the
16:28
Speaker 1: one that got hurt. So if you haven't given them repercussions,
16:34
Speaker 1: you have to ask yourself, why why weren't there any
16:37
Speaker 1: repercussions if they've hurt me? Why is there no accountability
16:41
Speaker 1: if they've hurt me? Is it because I'm scared that
16:43
Speaker 1: they're going to leave altogether? Is it because I can't
16:46
Speaker 1: bear to lose them all together, so I'd rather put
16:47
Speaker 1: up with the shit version of them than not have
16:50
Speaker 1: any of them at all. You have to ask yourself
16:51
Speaker 1: these hard questions because why the fuck is someone hurting
16:53
Speaker 1: you and there's no repercussions, no accountability, Why so you've
16:59
Speaker 1: just let them stroll back into your life. That's unacceptable.
17:02
Speaker 1: So I think you've got to ask yourself, you know what,
17:07
Speaker 1: And I don't know if this is romantically or if
17:08
Speaker 1: this is as a friend or whatever, but can you
17:11
Speaker 1: limit access? Can you put boundaries in place? You know,
17:13
Speaker 1: there's no point taking someone back into your life and
17:18
Speaker 1: then watching them sleep peacefully because they you know, they
17:20
Speaker 1: took them back and got away with it while you're
17:22
Speaker 1: staring at them, glaring at them fast, ding fast, draak fast,
17:25
Speaker 1: strength fast, like you're just gonna suffer indefinitely, indefinitely. So
17:28
Speaker 1: you've got to ask yourself, was it worth letting this
17:30
Speaker 1: person back into my life? If now I'm the one
17:32
Speaker 1: suffering so much, they don't see the wrongs that they've done,
17:36
Speaker 1: which maybe means that they're going to do it again,
17:38
Speaker 1: is it worth it? Because Tarne did something that hurt
17:42
Speaker 1: me so much, there's no fucking way I would let
17:45
Speaker 1: him back unless I saw accountability. You know. It's like,
17:49
Speaker 1: there's no way I'd be giving someone a second chance
17:52
Speaker 1: without accountability, because that means that I'm just kidding myself.
17:56
Speaker 1: So that's I think the most important thing one. When
18:01
Speaker 1: I put all the effort in with my friend and
18:03
Speaker 1: she never supports me. She never came to the events
18:06
Speaker 1: that I was putting on, and was always hanging out
18:08
Speaker 1: with her new partner. This is a really sad one
18:10
Speaker 1: and it happens really often. Sometimes friends are just going
18:13
Speaker 1: to abandon you for a new partner, and then the
18:16
Speaker 1: friendship intensity and this happens with best friends. I've seen
18:19
Speaker 1: this happen with best friends and it drifts to more
18:21
Speaker 1: like an acquaintance thing because they're like, not, my new
18:24
Speaker 1: partner is my everything. I don't need a close friendship anymore,
18:26
Speaker 1: and I'm just gonna And then it's up to you
18:28
Speaker 1: being like, do I need to completely get like this
18:31
Speaker 1: friendship's dead in the water and just look at it
18:32
Speaker 1: something beautiful that I used to have, or can I
18:34
Speaker 1: have this person in my life but nowhere near as
18:36
Speaker 1: close and nowhere near as intense, Because it's really I
18:40
Speaker 1: think it can be really really painful to I don't know,
18:45
Speaker 1: I just feel like it can be really fucking painful
18:48
Speaker 1: to try and hold onto a friendship with the same
18:50
Speaker 1: parameters that it used to be when they don't want
18:53
Speaker 1: that or they don't value that anymore. So for you
18:55
Speaker 1: to take your power back, you have to reframe how
18:57
Speaker 1: you look at this friendship because you can't force them
18:59
Speaker 1: to want to be as close a friend as they
19:01
Speaker 1: used to be, as painful as that is. So it's
19:02
Speaker 1: your decision being like, do I reframe the parameters of
19:06
Speaker 1: this friendship and now you're just a friend but not
19:08
Speaker 1: my best friend anymore? Or would I be better off
19:12
Speaker 1: kissing the friendship goodbye and having good memories and just
19:17
Speaker 1: not being hurt by the fact that you never prioritize me. Again,
19:19
Speaker 1: That's only a decision that you can make. But personally,
19:22
Speaker 1: what I think I would do, I think it'd be
19:24
Speaker 1: too painful to let go off of friendship altogether. I
19:26
Speaker 1: would have to just be like, I need to put
19:28
Speaker 1: the ball in their court and just gauge how they
19:31
Speaker 1: want this friendship to look like, because I want it
19:33
Speaker 1: to be best friends. But what did they want? And
19:36
Speaker 1: then can we align on that? Maybe yes, maybe not.
19:40
Speaker 1: That's what I would do. Guys, Thank you so much
19:42
Speaker 1: for listening to today's episode. That is all for today.
19:47
Speaker 1: Love you guys so much. As always, remember be kind
19:49
Speaker 1: to yourself, be kind to your brain. Don't take shit
19:51
Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself. Boy,
19:56
Speaker 1: don't get nugget