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Rabbi Moshe Haber Orchot Yashar: True Control 6.7.26 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  And the growth of a person, we came, there you go.
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  We came to a little cough. And that little cough we dealt
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  with cavort, cavort of rabbi, cavort of parents, cavort of
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  elders. And now a little cough.
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  We started last week another topic that's literally one of
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  the most significant topics in life.
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  And that is the topic of cough, which is Cos anger.
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  So there are two things to talk about comes anger, what it does
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  to you and what it does to other people.
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  So we saw it last week with all the heavy stuff, how someone
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  who's gets angry, it's if he serves idols, someone who who
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  gets angry is failing the test of life.
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  When we test people, we test them how they are with their
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  money, with their anger, right? Because, so, because, so,
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  because, so one of the main ones are how they are when they get
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  angry. Anger is the defining factor for
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  many people and who you are while I'm moving around, says
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  Lord, don't get angry so that you don't sin.
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  Anger is considered someone is often angry, they're considered
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  they have a door open to sin. Why is anger so bad and why do
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  we have so many sources the anger so terrible?
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  The reason is because anger destroys during those periods of
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  time. When someone gets angry, they
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  literally destroy their own life and we compare it with us that
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  we're saying is it's considered the worst sin.
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  Why is angry say the worst sin? Because while a person is in the
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  fit of rage, nothing holds them back.
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  And that's why you can say the words call me *** All sorts of
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  gehenam are available to this person.
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  Why? Because they have a lot of
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  things that they would do. Regular person has a sound mind.
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  A regular person thinks clearly. Yeah, of course, your judgment
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  can be messed up a little bit at times.
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  You can be confused, you can be convinced, you can be off.
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  But anger is a position which a person does not want to be in
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  because that's a position that I'm not here.
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  And if I'm not here, I can say things I would never say, I can
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  do things I would never do. I can react in ways I would
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  never react. And that's considered for myself
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  completely going off the rails. That's a significant issue with
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  anger. That's why anger is considered
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  this $3 to destructive right The way he says it.
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  Madaj says Vamru Hakkas missile catamaur kas removes vision.
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  What do you mean removes your vision?
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  This point it removes your ability to see.
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  You cannot see things clearly. You you pride yourself in being
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  a very clear sound mind and body.
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  Then comes anger takes you away. Vamu call a quest anyone who's
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  angry listen to this Imharamu. If he's wise, it says he loses
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  his wisdom Hakmato hakmato me select a minute.
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  He loses that wisdom then not view.
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  If he's a prophet, he's unable to be a prophet.
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  Who's the classic example of this concept?
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  The classic example to this degree.
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  This degree is Moshe. I've been Moshe.
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  I've been got angry a few times for real reasons.
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  By the way, Moshe didn't gain you for no reason.
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  We we found the yes, he's considered the most unknowable
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  man alive. So if he ever in history, so if
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  he got angry, it was for a reason.
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  And when he got angry, he forgot the halacha, he forgot the
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  Mosheben who was the most sit out tonight.
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  He's the one who brought down the Torah and he himself forgot
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  the halacha, forgot that Torah during the periods of time that
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  he got angry because when someone is angry, they're not
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  here. Literally, it's a mental state
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  that our brain goes into which takes our brain away from being
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  us. And so the first part of this
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  topic is a person should realize all the only one you're hurting
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  when you get angry is yourself. Forget the other people for now.
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  When a person gets into a fit of rage, they're losing themselves.
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  Is there a time for one to get angry?
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  There are times that a person should get upset.
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  There are times that a person should get, you know, show their
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  seriousness. Hardly ever should you get
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  angry. It's not really a sign that
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  should ever be on your radar. The way that our bomb says and
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  our bomb says, we have a rule well known that our bomb call me
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  dot, a person should be dead at M saye.
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  A person should always be in the middle of the road.
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  It shouldn't be an extreme. When it comes to the top of
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  anger, that's the one one topic of Allah kas MI Dada aiadam or
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  that's such a terrible trait that a person should distance
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  themselves to the other extreme. Try in any way you can to train
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  yourself to avoid anger. That doesn't mean you can't get
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  upset. It doesn't mean things cannot
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  bother you. It just means you do not want to
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  have that switch, the switch that turns you off, that switch
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  you want to get out of your system.
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  Why? Because it ruins your own life.
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  You can function as a beautiful person and just those few
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  moments in a week, in a month, in a year, those few moments are
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  the parts that you have to spend your entire life fixing up.
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  And the parts that really can destroy a relationship, can
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  destroy a business, can destroy your mind, can destroy your
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  emotions, those few moments. That's why you do not want to
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  have that switch. It's part of our wiring that
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  that switch exists. It's part of our job to do
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  whatever we can to train ourselves.
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  As a side point, how do you train yourself?
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  The best way to train yourself on this is patience, some degree
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  of time, which means something. Usually anger is a reactionary
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  thing, not something that's built up.
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  I mean, it could be built up, but it's not something that
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  just, you know, it just happens like this.
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  Something happened and now you're very, very upset and you
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  go train yourself to figure out a way to pause.
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  If you can pause or you get upset, sure.
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  But this fit of rage will be under your control.
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  And if you could have control just to hold back from that full
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  version of anger, that full wrist, you have that control and
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  you're saving yourself from this entire world, a world of
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  destruction, a world of relationships that are broken
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  all the time, a world of unbelievable, you know, life
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  fixing things up. You can save yourself from that.
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  And you figure out a way to get that pause bind, just to pause.
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  It doesn't mean you can't have a reaction.
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  It does not mean. Can't you channel your anger to
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  positive? If you're in a reactionary mood
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  now you're actually very you're not in control.
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  It's the same as drunk 'cause so and and cause so.
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  Same way a person is intoxicated and no control.
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  So to someone is angry. If they allow themselves to get
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  to that point and they do not have a means to get off, then
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  they really can't. You wish you could guide it to
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  good For me, it's. Motivation.
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  A lot of times it's motivation, 'cause I don't get angry, I'm
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  just going to get motivated by. If you're a person in a position
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  who is thinking while you're angry, if you're able to get to
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  the point that you're thinking motivation or you're thinking
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  channeling, what you're saying to yourself is I'm not really in
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  that fit of rage. The real fit of rage is no, no
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  area for brain. The whole point, the whole issue
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  with this topic is that it's an area that a regular fine human
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  being can be taken off of this planet.
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  And that's the problem with it. It's because you want to remain
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  here. You do not want to be a person.
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  I, I don't like ever, honestly speaking.
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  I don't drink. I drink, I drink, I'm putting,
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  that's it. I don't really drink and even
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  bring, I'm not allowing myself to get too far.
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  Really honestly, why at this point in time, I'm scared.
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  I don't want to be in a position that I'm not in control.
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  I can't handle it. I don't want to be ever say
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  something that I that I can't take back.
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  I don't want. I really don't.
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  Because of that, you never see me in that position.
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  Anger is the exact same thing. It's an area of our existence
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  and it's out of our control now. We can't stop that position.
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  We're there. It just comes, we have to figure
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  out a way to pause ourselves to slow it down right before it
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  comes. And if you can find that
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  mechanism, maybe it's your own history, which means maybe
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  you've been that road before and you've seen what it did to you
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  and now you say to yourself, I don't want to do it.
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  Or you look at that other person and you saw him get angry and
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  you look what happened to their life.
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  We'll look what happened to our relationship because they're
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  angry and that is what they use, is what you use as your
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  motivation to figure out a way or maybe, yes, maybe in your
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  mind. You say, I always want to
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  produce, I never want to destroy.
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  And this is the one area of my life that if I allow it to
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  exist, it'll be destructive. So instead, I tell myself in
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  advance, I'm a builder, I'm a positive person in general, but
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  I also get angry. I'm going to use those
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  situations as a means to fuel me.
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  If you say that in advance, then your response will possibly be
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  fuel. You'll be upset, no question
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  about it. You'll be turned off.
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  They'll use it as fuel, but you won't allow yourself to get to
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  that point. That point is a position you
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  never want to be in. So he said one second, what
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  about the fact that you have children, you have employees,
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  you have people who need to be told that they're wrong and they
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  make mistakes, or worse than that, they do things that are
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  wrong. Forget mistakes, the things that
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  are wrong and now you want to rebuke them, You want to respond
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  to them, you want to react, he says clearly.
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  Never allow it to be a real reaction.
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  If you want to react, you want it to be productive.
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  Even if you want to get upset, your chosen or your employees,
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  the goal is production by your employees.
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  The overall theme is let's make money, right?
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  So if your goal is production, then you have a right to react.
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  But again, with the productive nature, which means you show
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  them that you're upset, but you're not really upset inside
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  or better yet by your children. This really applies by your
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  children. We all know it.
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  We love to say that we don't get angry at our children.
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  We love to say at that point, everyone loves to say it.
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  It's not true. People get angry at their
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  children. They get frustrated with their
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  children all the time. Children cannot frustrate you.
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  They know how to push the buttons, right?
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  You're raising them. It's a constant process, a
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  development process, and they can frustrate you.
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  So what do you do with this point?
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  Are you telling me I can't get angry?
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  Think about the net, the overall goal.
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  What is the overall goal of raising our children?
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  If the children La Lena do not turn out the way we want, then
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  that's something that we're not happy with.
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  The overall goal with raising children is an overall positive.
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  We want to produce, we want them to produce.
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  We want them to represent us world.
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  We want our future to be bright. We want all of that.
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  So now if I allow myself to get angry and a destructive means
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  toward my children, then what am I doing?
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  Just destroying, not building. But if I wire myself in a way
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  that I recognize every inch of my life needs to be productive,
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  including getting upset at my children.
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  I wanted to be productive. So then he says, get angry at
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  them with show them anger by yourself.
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  You should not be angry, which means so that show them, you
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  know, discipline, show them that you're upset.
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  Put them in the corner where it used to be in my day, whatever
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  it was, it used to be the belt. Then it was the corner.
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  Whatever it is today, today is probably a hug.
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  Whatever version you have, show them that.
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  All right, show them that. Show them that thing, make that
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  your face. But in reality, you do never,
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  never want to have that mindset of wrath.
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  Now, it's very hard to wire yourself this way, but it's
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  fully worth it. I want to just switch gears for
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  one second to the other part of this topic.
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  The other part of this topic is called Que peda Captainut.
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  Captainut is someone who gets upset, not angry, which means an
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  intimidating person. I'll tell you personally, my
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  least favorite person in the world is the person who's
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  intimidating. Why is my least favorite person?
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  Because you can't function around such a person.
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  All you want to do is get away. If you have a boss that's
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  intimidating, all you're doing is trying to avoid meeting him.
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  And in the end, it ruins, it takes the whole air out of the
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  room and it ruins the ability to have proper communication and
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  productivity. And if you have a parent who is
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  intimidating all the children, grandparents, I say this about
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  grandparents all the time. My humble opinion about
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  grandparents, should they discipline?
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  Yes. And make sure you don't become a
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  child parent, grandparent that the grandchild doesn't want to
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  be around. Because if that's the case, they
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  just won't be around them because they have that choice.
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  Parents, they don't have that choice.
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  Grandparents, in a certain sense, the grandchildren have
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  that choice. And if you're an intimidating
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  person, and by the way, we're all inclined to be intimidating.
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  We want to give over our presence.
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  We want to give over our feelings and our beliefs, and
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  we're inclined to be intimidating.
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  Realize, if you're intimidating, you are ruining the room.
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  It's the most unbelievably destructive nature that a person
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  could have by being intimidating.
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  I think about this all the time. I know if I had to deal with
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  someone that's intimidating for me, I run circles.
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  I, I run around that person and I don't talk to them directly
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  and it takes away from me so much productivity because I have
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  to now deal with the other person.
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  I can't talk to them directly. I have to tip toe what I say to
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  them. And you know what it could have
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  been I dealt with something recently that if I could just be
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  open with the person, it would have speed up the process so
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  much faster. But it's a certain entire person
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  that I'm careful around. If you have to be careful around
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  that person, you've broken down the means of communication and
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  you've broken down the flow of building.
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  You know, we make fun of the modern day.
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  We just made fun of modern day parenting, modern day
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  communication. That's one area the modern day
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  got right, which is the more you have communication, the better
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  you are in every area. You take coaching and sports,
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  you take parenting, grandparents, teachers to
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  students today, thank God, communication is so much
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  stronger. And because communication is so
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  much stronger, you've shortened that distance, which is a
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  distance that you have. And you had a teacher in the old
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  days, right? You had a teacher in the old
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  days. You were scared of them.
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  By being scared of them, maybe you acted better.
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  But if you need to have a relationship with that teacher
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  that was out the window, you can have a relationship because it
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  was scary, intimidating. Give a parent that's
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  intimidating. How could you have a
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  relationship with a parent that's intimidating?
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  You'd rather not see them. That's the reality.
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  You'd rather not be around them. And maybe that allowed you to
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  copy them and to learn from them, yes, but it did not allow
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  you to communicate. And the same thing is true with
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  the boss and the worker. If you have, if you're an A
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  boss, an employer who the workers are scared of, what do
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  they do? They're talking behind your
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  back, They work around you. They don't talk to you directly.
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  And then that means that connection and building is gone.
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  Whereas if you have someone who's casual with you, who's
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  nice to you, who's loose around you, then automatically you're a
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  building team. There's no separation and
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  there's no destruction. And these are the two points.
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  Anger. The first part of this class
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  destroys yourself. The only the main person anger
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  ruins is ourselves. We think we get angry at other
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  people. We can be tough on them.
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  You're ruining your own self and you get angry.
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  Being intimidating ruins other people doesn't ruin yourself.
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  Ultimately it does, but it ruins other people because the other
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  people cannot communicate with you, they can't talk to you, and
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  they can't really fall properly. Matil Emma to bring fear on your
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  home is considered one of the worst me thought a person can
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  have. For a husband to walk into the
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  house and the wife was scared of him.
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  For a wife to walk into the house.
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  And yes it's even possible this way too and the husband is
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  scared of her for a child to walk into the house and now the
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  child is scared of their parents or even vice versa.
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  These types of traits are Matil, Emma and you suck the air out of
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  the room, you've ruined the means of communication and
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  you've taken away the beautiful flow a person can have in their
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  relationships for no reason other than the fact that you
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  think of being intimidating. Now let me tell you the honest
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  truth about all intimidating people.
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  The humble opinion, just the final part because I've been
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  around a lot of them. I'm the type of guy personally
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  that I used to be. I can be easily intimidated.
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  Used to be. If I have a person that's scary,
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  they they just have me locked into a corner.
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  I can't function around them. I can't talk to them and I'm
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  like a little sheep. Over time, I've worked on myself
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  enough to not be intimidated anymore by these people because
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  of the following reason and this is the most important thing and
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  that is been around a lot of them intimidating people in my
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  life life. Most of them do not have so much
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  going on. Most of them use the
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  intimidating factor as a cover for what they really are, which
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  is insecure. Not so much going on.
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  They need a little boost to the ego and they have a whole world
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  that they're building. The entire world is this image.
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  It's not that they have so much going for them and therefore
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  they can give over this demeanor of I'm such a confident and
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  boring person and you have to work around me.
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  No, no, they have so little going for them, and therefore
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  they wrap themselves in this costume and this image of
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  strength, insecurity, slash confidence.
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  It's a sketch. And because of that, they make
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  other people scared solely for the reason that that's how they
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  exist. If you remove this demeanor,
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  then these people would really be nothing.
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  That's most intimidating people. So if you're going to be an
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  intimidating person, recognize the fact that initially it's an
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  awesome feeling. It happens to be for these
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  people, Balagava, these arrogant people.
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  It's an awesome feeling. Everyone's scared of them.
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  Everyone's going over to them. Everyone's making sure to only
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  say nice things to them. If all they get is nice things
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  all day, it means they're intimidating.
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  That's what it means because people are scared.
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  They turn them off. They got them upset to wrong
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  them, to cross them. It starts off awesome, but it
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  ends up as I always think what would be if you took away from
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  that intimidating person his thing, if it's his wealth, if
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  it's his position, his leadership in the company and he
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  took that away. Just if you just stripped that
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  person of that position, what would happen?
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  Would he have friends or people like him?
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  Well, if he's a nice guy, yes, I understand that that positions
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  make bring more people. I understand now.
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  Now you can't be a fool to say that without the position will
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  be in the exact same position. That's fine, but would people
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  like him? If yes, he's a great guy.
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  If no, then he's a sketch. He's this guy.
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  Why? Because then he's all demeanor,
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  no reality. And our job is to realize that
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  if you're going to be an intimidating person, you're
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  rooting it for the people around you and you're really revealing
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  your true colors, which is really revealing the fact that
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  we're insecure. So someone who's nice, someone
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  who's easy, I'm going to tell you something.
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  I close at this point. They're really great people.
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  The real Gadolin, the really great people had none of this.
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  This is a modern day sketch. They're a really great people.
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  They were easy, they were nice. You know, all the books about
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  the Gadolin have the fact that they dealt with the small
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  people. They dealt with the Hazi case.
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  They had Hazi cases around them all the time.
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  All the time. They had a a nephew that wasn't
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  well or a cousin that wasn't well or a student that brought
• 19:07
  them out or stolen by the table. It was difficult all the time.
• 19:10
  And all they had were their children who were trying to get
• 19:13
  rid of these people that they are bothering us.
• 19:15
  He. Never got angry.
• 19:17
  Right. Rob never got angry at his wife.
• 19:18
  Exactly. His one wife was.
• 19:19
  It was a problem. That's true.
• 19:21
  And there's so many examples throughout history of regular of
• 19:25
  great people who had these strange people around them and
• 19:29
  they never would say a word. Why?
• 19:31
  Because they were easy. And then you have the people who
• 19:34
  are working on perfecting their image and now clean, perfect,
• 19:40
  they always seem like they're pristine in the position of
• 19:43
  power. It's all a phony and a sketch
• 19:46
  within you and I, you take that shell away and it's all a
• 19:50
  sketch. Why?
• 19:50
  Because a really great person would not be in that perfect
• 19:54
  persona. You can't perfect it.
• 19:56
  It's really a sketch. And a person has to be wary of
• 19:59
  the fact that as I grow, as I build, I got to be careful.
• 20:03
  That I'm not, you know, getting it, letting it get to my head.
• 20:06
  And I'm not trying to build this intimidating way.
• 20:09
  If I do and kids can't talk to me and how these people can't
• 20:12
  talk to me and regular people are scared of me that I'm doing
• 20:16
  something wrong because I'm allowing it get to get in my
• 20:18
  head. I'm changing who I am.
• 20:20
  Our job is to realize never be an intimidating person because
• 20:25
  you take the air out of the room and you destroy it for other
• 20:27
  people. And ultimately you destroy it
• 20:29
  for yourself because your relationships go down the
• 20:31
  window, go out the window, the communication is gone and the
• 20:36
  ability to build real building is gone.
• 20:39
  So fear and intimidation, these two things that are impressive
• 20:43
  about anger and intimidation, 2 things that are strong, they're
• 20:46
  really all signs of weakness and the signs of destruction of our
• 20:49
  persons. We have to avoid them.
• 20:51
  And of course, that's the idea some of this.