Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / May 9, 2017 | Expresso - Kelly Menke

Transcript

May 9, 2017 | Expresso - Kelly Menke · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: First off, I wanted to start by saying I am not a public speaker.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I do not enjoy getting up in front of crowds and it actually frightens me.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I feel as though this is different than giving a speech for any class or any work presentation or even my father-in-law's eulogy.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: It is making me do something that I don't do very often, especially to people who aren't close to me.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like to appear vulnerable.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like to fail or admit my past mistakes once I've learned from them.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: I hate spontaneity.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I do tend to overanalyze.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: I do tend to be a control freak.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: I do care how people perceive me.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: I am very stubborn and I love for things to be perfect.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: However, one thing I have truly realized a lot looking back at my story, especially the last two to three years, is how amazingly blessed I have been.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, when Angela approached me back in September, I was in a completely different place.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: I felt as close to God as I had ever been.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: My marriage was as strong as it had ever been.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was developing friendships with other women in faith.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was loving God.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: We had just finished a Bible study in our small group, and one thing I took away from it was that Jesus wants you to profess your love for him, and he wants you to tell others his love for them, no matter how they're going to receive it.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: So when Angela asked me, I thought, yeah, I can do that.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I can tell my story, I can tell my journey with God.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because while I have been coming to TBC for 12 years, my walk with Christ has really only just begun in the last two to three.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I agreed.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: However, our lives were rocked, for lack of a better term, on November 13th, 2016.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: The last six months I have found myself in the darkest place I have ever been.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And there was nothing I could do to fix it.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: I can't fix the hurt my boys are experiencing.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't do anything to change the outcome.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I can't go back in time.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: It again taught me that God has a plan.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Looking back at my highest and lowest times in my faith, questioning how or why things happen, cringing at certain situations I found myself in, moments of doubt followed by immense moments of growth has been absolutely poetic.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I am glad Angela approached me when she did because I fear that if it would have been since November, I would have said no.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: But while I found myself in a dark place, I also know my faith is as strong as it has ever been.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: From an early age, I knew a little about God.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that He created the world and man and everything.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I knew He was watching at all times.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: I knew all of the basics, but I didn't know much more than that.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up in a loving family with a mom, a dad, a sister, and two brothers.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't go to church on Sundays.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't talk about Jesus or God much, if at all.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: My sister is 10 years older than me, and I would have to say that she's probably the first person that opened my eyes up to faith in God.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Once she moved away to college and settled in Wichita, she started going to church on a regular basis.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: She would mention things to me when she would come back to visit for holidays.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: If I was struggling, she would offer to pray for me.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't give it much thought because at that time I was entering high school and I thought I knew everything.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I got excellent grades.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was active in extracurricular activities.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was liked by all of my teachers, my dance instructors.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I had a large group of friends.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty much thought I had life figured out.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't need any help, and I definitely didn't need anyone to pray for me.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: But looking back, that's exactly what I needed.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I started to have anxiety about failing, about not getting A's, about not fitting in with my friends, about letting my family down, about whether or not I was a good enough dancer, pretty much about everything.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: The more anxious I got, the more depressed I became.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I made poor decisions with underage drinking because it was the only thing that helped me to relax.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: I felt alone despite having a lot of friends.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't feel I had anyone to admit this to because admitting I couldn't handle anything would mean I was a failure.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, if I couldn't handle high school, how was I gonna handle college?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: This anxiety and depression continued into college.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think I continued to appear to everyone that I was perfectly fine.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: But inside I was struggling with self-worth, with doubts, and happiness.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Then I met my husband.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: I had my eye on him most of the summer of 2005.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: He was the head coach for my younger brother's baseball team.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I would go to the games to watch Brian, my younger brother, but usually found myself watching Coach Sean instead.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: At first, I wasn't interested.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: I really wanted to focus on my last year of nursing school.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought he was too short.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I spent one game along with most of the parents on the team trying to time it so that when he stood up on one side of the fence, I could stand back to back and they would tell me who was taller.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: However, there was something that drew me to him.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Something that made me realize he was special and not like anyone else I'd ever met.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I started going to more and more games and I started trying to make it so that we would meet.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: God aligned all of the stars one night and we finally met.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: At one of the games, I went and got a foul ball with every intention of taking it to the dugout so I could personally give it to Sean.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a gentleman who kept telling me, if you take it to the concession stand, they'll give you some free pop or popcorn.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, eh.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay, I'm just gonna take it to the team.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um as I finally got up enough nerve and I walked to the dugout, my dad stood and announced loud enough for the bleachers to hear, she doesn't want anything from the concession stand, she wants something from Coach Sean.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, everyone started laughing, and I turned umteen shades of red and sat back down.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: After another couple of innings, I got up enough nerve to go back up, and as I almost got to the dugout, an older gentleman, very loudly and kindly said, ma'am, you go ahead and tell Sean that his grandpa said it was okay if he talks to you.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I was embarrassed, but I ended up introducing myself to Grandpa Charlie and chatted with him the rest of the game.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: That night a parent's car got broken into, and as I was talking with the dad, uh waiting until the police came, um, Coach Sean happened to stop and make sure everything was okay.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: The dad got a smile and a gleam in his eye when he said, Coach Sean, have you met Brian's sister Kelly?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that drew me to him, besides his astonishing good looks, was his strong faith.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: On our second date, we stayed up until 4 a.m.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: talking on his back porch.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: We talked about everything that night, our dreams, our hopes, our anxieties, but most importantly, he talked to me about God and his faith.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: I felt I left that night with just one sweet kiss and love in my heart.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Shortly after we started dating, he encouraged me to go to church with him.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: I had visited TBC a handful of times with friends in high school and suggested that we started there.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I prayed that I would marry this man before he realized how much of a failure I was and left me for something better.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: For the first time, I was truly loved by a man, and I knew there was no one better than him.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: God answered my prayers, and we were married 14 months after our first date.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Life was better than good.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: We knew we wanted kids, and about six months into our marriage, we decided to start, we decided to start trying.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Getting pregnant was not easy for us.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: After six months, we were very discouraged, and after 12 months, we started seeking help and answers as to why we weren't unable to get pregnant.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: At this time, I was a hospice nurse.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: While I was a hospice nurse, I had experienced both the highest and lowest points I had been spiritually till this point.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Watching people pass from this life to the next is very difficult to describe, but it supported everything that I had been hearing in church and everything that Sean told me.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: It was while I was working at Midland that I got baptized.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: This decision made me feel as close to God as I ever had.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: It was one of my highest moments.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: But it was short-lived because I started getting angry at God.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: I would spend nights crying in our bathroom or another room because I knew I was a failure as a wife.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: I would try to negotiate with God.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you let me get pregnant, I will never say or think anything terrible ever again.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't understand why I was hurting so much and why my prayers weren't being answered.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: At this time I was taking care of one patient in particular.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: She was still one of my favorites.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I went to see her for an hour twice a week, and so we developed a pretty strong bond.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: She knew that we were trying to get pregnant, but were having difficulty.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: She took a turn for a worse and was living at an assisted living facility, and they called me to come sit with her and tell her family could get in from Kansas City.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: She was not really responding, other than undecipherable babbling.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: She was laying in bed and she would occasionally sit up and look at me or look past me to a chair in the corner and then lay back down.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: She only had one clear conversation with me.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: She sat up in bed, looked at the chair very confused, looked at me and said, Where did your little boy go?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Do you know who I am?
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: She smiled, rolling her eyes.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you are Kelly, and you are my hospice nurse.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Where did your little boy go?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: He was just sitting in that chair playing with some balls.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I started getting teary and said, Well, do you remember that Sean and I haven't been able to get pregnant?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: She shrugged her shoulders and laid her head back down and returned to her previous state of minimally responding.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: She bounced back from that.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: We never talked about if she remembered it or what she saw.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I left hospice shortly after that because at that time we had been seeing a doctor who recommended decreasing stress.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: She was still alive and it pained me to have to tell her I was leaving, and I remember the conversation so vividly.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: At this point, she was at a full nursing facility.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: She was sitting outside, her health had deteriorated, and she was needing help with all of our activities of daily living.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: I told her I was leaving why I was leaving.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: She said, Oh Kelly, you're gonna get pregnant and you're gonna have a boy.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I started crying and said, I sure hope so.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: How about if you get to heaven before I get pregnant, you march right up to Jesus and tell him I should have a boy?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: She smiled and shook her head.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: She passed away the first week in June of 2008.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And while I didn't realize it until four weeks later and 15 months of trying, we conceived our first baby boy, and he has had a ball in his hand ever since he was born.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Fast forward to year 2013-2014.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: We were entering our seventh year of marriage with two boys and all the stressors that come with family life and young children.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: We stopped making God a priority.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sean and I were the farthest away from each other we had ever been, emotionally, spiritually, physically.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Year seven to eight was very rough on our marriage.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I felt empty.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it was much easier to blame my problems and feelings on someone else, and that was usually Sean.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: 2014 encompassed two of the best things that enhanced my faith.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: However, one came at the price of the worst decision I have ever made.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: We will start with one of the most instrumental women on my relationship with God.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Lindsay was placed into my life, our lives.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: She became a part-time nanny for our boys.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Her love for Jesus is truly awe-inspiring.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: She has helped me in so many ways.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: She has taught me the power of prayer and how to praise Jesus through the storm.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Words cannot describe how influential she has been at holding my hand throughout the journey since.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: I turn to her so often for advice, help with understanding the Bible, or needing great Bible verses.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I am so thankful that God aligned our lives.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: However, that year, I also reached one of my lowest points.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: I happened to be on a girls' trip and I made the biggest mistake I have ever made.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: I kissed another man.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Every day I thank God for that moment for two reasons.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: One, I'm thankful nothing further happened.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Two, I needed to hit my rock bottom to realize I needed to change myself and not someone else.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: What still pains me to this day is that my actions hurt my number one supporter, my confidant, and my best friend.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Not a day goes by that I don't cringe or think about where I was and that I never want to return to that point.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: It was that moment that I vowed to myself and most importantly God that I would make a change for the better.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: I knew I needed something, someone more powerful in my life.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: I had been trying to do it all myself.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to make my life perfect and plan out every single moment.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: I had been taking the credit for all of the blessings I had, but yet blaming God whenever when things didn't go my way.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: When I got home, I told Sean we both agreed something needed to change and that we needed to start making God a priority again.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: We started going to church weekly.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: I started applying and really listening to the message that Jim was preaching.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: And as a result, I started noticing Sean and I having more and more peaceful and loving moments.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: We decided to try joining a small group and did in 2015.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Our small group has been more of a blessing than either one of us thought it could be.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: These two things made me feel a sense of peace, and I realized it was the peace of God's presence.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: It made me want a closer relationship with Him.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: I felt as though I was no longer empty.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Slowly I started noticing a change in how I perceive things.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: And looking back, I've always wanted that.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: God can't love me because I am a sinner.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: I have hurt so many people.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: I do not deserve forgiveness or grace or mercy or compassion.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a good enough person to remember Bible verses.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: And our small group has been so instrumental in helping me develop my relationship for God, and I am so thankful for the couples in our group.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because without even knowing it, they have saved Sean and me from more than they know or realized.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not only have they helped us strengthen our marriage, but they have helped us grow individually and as a couple closer to God.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: They were also there for me in April of 2015 when I lost one of my dearest friends in an ATV accident.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: What could have been a low moment wasn't as low because of them.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: They're amazing women of faith, and I am so happy that God has placed them in my life.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: That brings us to 2016.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Angela again asked me in September to give my testimony, and I agreed.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Everything was great, my marriage.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I had made much stronger faith friendships, and my faith was as deep as it ever had been.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: However, that all changed on November 13th.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: This time our entire family hurt.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: This time it was something much more permanent, and I still find it unbelievable and very difficult to talk about.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: My father-in-law was taken from us suddenly, without warning, without us getting to say our goodbyes.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Papa was a two-of-a-kind man.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: I say that because my husband is just like him.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Papa always put his family first.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: He was our biggest supporter.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: He came to almost every game and school event.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: He would cancel his plans just to watch the boys.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing was more important than God and his family.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't need or want attention or recognition for this.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I'm pretty sure he's probably really upset with me in heaven because I'm even mentioned it.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: He's humble, he was kind.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: He was always there for a hug and a pick-me-up to offer words of advice or encouragement.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Watching my rock and strength Sean crumble was and continues to be heartbreaking.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Watching my oldest son, who was so close to his papa, completely shut down has been indescribable.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Listening to my youngest cry for him at night breaks my heart every time.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Despite this being another low, despite hurting and watching all of my closed ones hurting, I still felt a calmness.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Giving them words of encouragement, standing and giving his eulogy.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: You truly don't.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: And while I've learned that people might let you down, God never will.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: Those people are a gift from God.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: They literally held our hands, gave us strength to continue, and at times even held us up.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: In the midst of a tragedy, I knew I was blessed because of the amazing people that God placed in my life.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Caleb, my oldest, even told the grief counselor when asked if he was angry at God.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: He said, I was.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: But then I remember all that he has given me, and how can you not love him?
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm starting to realize that I am not in control.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: I will never have all of the answers.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: I do not and will not ever be perfect, and that's okay.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not the same person I was three years ago.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I like to think I've changed for the better, but I'm still a work in progress.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I always will be.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: I feel better when I take the time to talk and pray with God, when I read his word and when I put him first.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: God is perfect, and the fact that he sent his only son to die for my sins is truly an act of unconditional love.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: I know at times I am not easy to love or even like.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: That I react with emotions instead of thinking that I am selfish.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: But yet he's still here.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: He loves me no matter how much I fail.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: He never leaves me and he will never forsake me.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: He is always present and providing light in my darkest moments.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: He is encouraging me to start over, to learn from my mistakes and to grow as a person.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: I will admit some days are better than others, but he provides me with the strength to continue.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: He provides me with a beautiful life.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: A life that might not always be easy.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, at times it's downright hard.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: But as I continue to grow as a person, my faith also continues to develop deeper roots.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I now realize that all I have is truly because of him.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: A friend of mine gave me a um gift and it included a Bible verse, which I think is now going to be my life motto, which has is He has made everything beautiful in its time.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ecclesiastes 3 11.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I totally forgot to do the pictures.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: So that's my beautiful family.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: Husband, my oldest and my youngest, and then that's just us again.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you.