Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S3E1 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: New Series Intro & Adulthood Bias- Why Parents Misunderstand Their Kids

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S3E1 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: New Series Intro & Adulthood Bias- Why Parents Misunderstand Their Kids · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
• 0:14
  awareness,
• 0:15
  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
• 0:19
  In today's episode,
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  I'm very excited.
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  We are launching season 3
• 0:24
  of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast,
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  and season 3
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  is
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  starting with the series Parent Companion for Play Therapy.
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  And the entire premise of this
• 0:37
  is
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  that we have so many
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  child-centered play therapists referring parents
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  to this podcast in conjunction
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  with their child being in play therapy.
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  There has become an increased need for clarity on the process,
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  clarity on the model,
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  support for parents and therapists
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  while working with children in child-centered play therapy.
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  And so this is going to be
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  a very helpful approach
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  because even if your child is not in therapy,
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  the ideas that we'll cover
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  are powerful tools for understanding and connecting with your
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  kids and then if your child is in therapy,
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  it will make you feel more aware and knowledgeable about the process.
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  So regardless,
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  either way,
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  you will get benefit from this
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  as the Parent Companion for Play Therapy because
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  everything that we talk about on this podcast
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  is from a play therapy lens.
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  It is a child-centered play therapy model based parenting approach.
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  So everything that I've already
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  given over the course of two seasons has been play therapy in nature.
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  And so this is just going to be specifically
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  about some considerations if your child is in therapy,
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  but even if they are not,
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  you will find benefit here.
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  So I'm very excited about this.
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  And why does this matter?
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  Why am I
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  starting this new series,
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  this new season,
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  where did this come from?
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  Well,
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  specifically for parents with children in child-centered play therapy,
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  it will provide you with reassurance,
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  it will provide you with confidence,
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  and it will provide clarity.
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  Those are really crucial to feeling like you can
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  get invested into the process.
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  For parents without children in therapy.
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  This will give you an opportunity to see your child's behavior
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  and emotions
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  in a different light
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  and gain a different perspective on what's going on with your children.
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  And every single parent will benefit from
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  a shift in perspective regardless of therapeutic status,
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  and the goals of this series and season
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  are
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  helping us move away from control
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  and toward connection
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  first and foremost
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  and second of all to move from correction
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  to understanding.
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  Those are kind of the dual purpose goals of of this new season.
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  So
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  what can you expect in this series?
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  I want to do a little bit of an intro,
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  a little bit of a teaser if you will.
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  What is this going to cover?
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  What's this going to look like?
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  Well,
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  first of all,
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  we're going to start with some of the foundations.
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  So
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  right from the beginning,
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  why play therapy works.
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  What
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  play therapists do.
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  And how to see children's behavior as communication.
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  So we're going to start there,
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  then we're going to move into common challenges
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  such as anxiety,
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  aggression,
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  power struggles,
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  low self-esteem,
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  and more,
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  and these are things that almost every family
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  faces whether they're in therapy or not.
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  And then we'll also spend some time discussing parent insights.
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  So what are some memorable concepts
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  to help make sense
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  of your children's worlds
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  and what their experiences are and what
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  their feelings are and what they're going through
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  and we have all kinds of concepts that we'll cover there.
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  We'll talk about
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  the iceberg,
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  a peach tree,
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  spaghetti and waffles,
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  all kinds of things,
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  and I know none of that makes any sense to you,
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  but I promise it will at some point.
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  And then finally,
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  Growth over time.
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  How change happens in therapy
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  and how these principles can help kids thrive at home too if they're not in therapy.
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  So even if therapy isn't part of your child's life right now,
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  these insights will help you understand
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  and support your kids in everyday situations
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  and if they are in therapy,
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  it will help support you as you navigate the therapeutic process.
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  So how to
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  digest this information?
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  This is designed as
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  a companion for parents in therapy
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  but useful for all parents and so you can listen to these in order,
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  so season 3,
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  episode 1 in numerical order
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  or you can pick
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  based on what's most relevant to your child and your family's needs.
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  So they are
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  standalone episodes,
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  so they do not have to be listened to in an order.
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  You can listen to each one that you choose at any point.
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  But together,
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  if you do listen to all of them,
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  it will form a bigger picture.
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  And so take this at your own pace.
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  You do not have to rush through these.
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  You don't have to binge listen to them.
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  I mean,
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  I'm releasing them once a week,
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  so you can't really binge listen,
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  I suppose,
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  at least if you're listening as they're being released.
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  But the goal is that you take this at your pace and you find the
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  things that are going to be most helpful for you in your parenting journey.
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  And as we all know,
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  parenting can feel overwhelming
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  sometimes.
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  parenting can feel exhausting sometimes,
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  parenting can feel confusing sometimes,
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  but be assured that kids grow
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  and heal.
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  And change
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  when they're understood.
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  We have all kinds of research that
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  shows that children behave in more self-enhancing ways
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  when they have
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  a connected relationship with an adult.
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  So we know that that will take place under certain conditions.
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  And if you are a parent with your child actively in therapy,
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  your child is in capable and
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  trained hands.
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  If you are working with a child-centered play therapist,
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  your kids are in appropriate hands.
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  If you are not in therapy and you're a parent,
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  these concepts will still transform the way that you relate to your children,
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  understand your children,
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  the perspective that you have on behavior,
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  and more.
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  So my hope is that this series
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  helps you see your children
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  through fresh eyes.
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  It will help you respond with greater confidence
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  and that it will help you feel more connected
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  in your parenting journey.
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  Those are absolutely my goals for this season and series.
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  So you're not just getting a teaser,
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  that that was the teaser for the whole season,
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  but I want to dive into
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  the most important concept
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  right
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  from the beginning.
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  We're going to start here because
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  everything that comes afterwards does not have
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  the same impact if we don't understand
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  adulthood bias.
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  I
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  came up with this term.
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  And have talked about it on my clinical podcast.
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  I think I've mentioned it several times in the parenting podcast as well,
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  but I came up with this concept and this term
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  after
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  years,
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  literally 20.
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  Of watching adults misunderstand children.
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  And it's easy to maybe.
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  Feel frustration over that or feel irritation
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  or
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  I
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  tend to see a lot of therapists sometimes
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  just saying like,
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  gosh,
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  I just wish parents better understood,
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  but no one really had figured out how to explain
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  why there was such miscommunication and misunderstanding and misperception.
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  And the longer I observed it and the longer I dug into it a little bit,
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  I realized that it was because of adulthood bias.
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  And what I mean by that is,
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  is that as adults,
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  We naturally see the world
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  through our own experiences,
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  as do children.
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  Everyone sees the world through their own experience.
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  We also see the world through reasoning.
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  We see the world through expectation.
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  We see the world through a cognitive lens.
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  And therefore we unconsciously
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  expect children
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  to think and act the same way.
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  But children
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  do not process the world like we do.
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  Their brains are not developed yet.
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  By the way,
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  public service announcement,
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  children's brains do not stop developing until 25.
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  So just because you have a 16, 18,
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  20 year old
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  and you think,
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  oh,
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  OK,
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  well they're,
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  they're long past the stage of brain development,
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  no they're not,
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  not until 25.
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  So we know that the brain continues to develop longer than any other part of the body.
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  And we know that they are not cognitive,
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  they are not rational,
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  they are not verbal,
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  they do not have abstract reasoning
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  until around the age of 12 or 13,
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  and then even once they develop abstract reasoning,
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  they are still not able to think
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  and act and reason
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  the way that we do.
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  They are in a different place developmentally.
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  Their behavior comes from their feelings.
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  Their behavior comes from their emotions,
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  not from logic.
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  This is why we cannot lecture to our kids.
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  This is why we cannot reason with our kids.
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  This is why we cannot talk to our kids
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  and have in-depth conversations.
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  This is why we can't
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  convince them
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  to
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  tell us why they thought something.
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  None of that is appropriate for kids.
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  That's adulthood bias.
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  We see the world through our adult lens,
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  and we expect children to think and act the same way,
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  and they can't and they don't and they won't.
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  So while this is maybe shocking some of you,
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  blowing some of your minds,
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  this is not said in a critical way
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  of we need to get our acts together and we need to stop acting from adulthood bias.
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  We just need to realize it for what it is
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  and then make adjustments.
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  It's just a mindset shift.
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  This isn't a criticism that we do this.
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  It's natural for us to think that other people are going
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  to think and act and feel the same way we do,
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  but children aren't there developmentally.
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  So
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  this is a mindset shift
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  that we're going to take,
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  and this is why we're starting here
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  because
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  play therapy exists.
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  Because children cannot talk about
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  their issues,
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  play therapy exists because children cannot
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  reason their way through their issues.
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  Play therapy exists because they're not cognitive and
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  they're not rational and they don't have logic.
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  Those are all components that are required for talk therapy.
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  Guess what?
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  Adults
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  engage in talk therapy.
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  Why?
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  Because they're capable of doing so.
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  Kids are not.
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  Play therapy wouldn't even be a thing.
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  Everything I've taught you in 3 seasons on this podcast,
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  it wouldn't even matter
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  if kids were at our level cognitively.
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  But they're not,
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  so that's why we're starting here because it matters.
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  Everything else flows from the notion that kids are not rational,
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  they don't have abstract reasoning,
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  they're not cognitive.
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  They're going to experience and feel
• 11:45
  their way through things.
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  And I don't want to get into a whole lot of
• 11:50
  theory,
• 11:51
  but just to give a little bit of support to this notion of adulthood bias,
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  cause if you hear that I coined this term,
• 11:57
  you're like,
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  well,
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  you know,
• 11:58
  who are you?
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  I could coin a term,
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  it doesn't make it true.
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  If you want to explore this a little bit further and do your own digging and research,
• 12:05
  Piaget is where you're going to start.
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  Fancy last name,
• 12:08
  P I A G E T.
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  And if you would like to look at Piaget's stages
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  of development in children,
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  you will see
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  this play out
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  from a theoretical model
• 12:21
  and his understanding of the way children grow and develop
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  as they age.
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  So Piaget is going to be your point person if you
• 12:29
  want to see how this works from a data-driven perspective,
• 12:33
  but I've seen this over and over and over again that adults just have a bias.
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  And that's OK.
• 12:39
  We just need to have a mindset shift.
• 12:42
  So let me give you some examples so that this will
• 12:43
  illustrate the idea of adulthood bias because maybe you're like,
• 12:46
  well,
• 12:47
  that makes sense in theory,
• 12:48
  but I'm not really sure exactly what you mean.
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  Let me give you some practical examples.
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  So,
• 12:51
  a child spills a drink.
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  Parents will often think
• 12:56
  you weren't being careful.
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  But the child wasn't even thinking
• 13:02
  about carefulness.
• 13:05
  There,
• 13:05
  there was no thought involved
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  in that drink getting spilled because they don't have the cognitive capacity
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  to think through something like that.
• 13:14
  Child refuses to leave the playground
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  and it's time to go,
• 13:18
  and they say,
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  no,
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  I don't want to.
• 13:21
  Parents will often think that the child's being disrespectful.
• 13:24
  Or disobedient
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  But the child is focused only on their loss of fun,
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  not being defiant.
• 13:34
  That's not defiant and disobedient and disrespectful,
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  willfully.
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  It's,
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  oh please don't make me go,
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  I'm having so much fun and if you make me
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  leave then I can't have fun at the playground anymore.
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  But they're not thinking it,
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  they're experiencing it.
• 13:49
  Another example,
• 13:50
  one of your children hits one of your other children.
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  So kid hits a sibling.
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  Parents will often say,
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  you know that is not OK.
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  You know that is wrong.
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  You know better.
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  The child's action was an emotional overflow.
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  There was no reasoning involved.
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  And there certainly wasn't a moral compass there.
• 14:15
  So those are very easy examples
• 14:19
  of how adulthood bias kicks in.
• 14:20
  We see behavior,
• 14:22
  we see experiences
• 14:24
  through our own lens,
• 14:26
  and it gets in the way of actually understanding what's going on for the child.
• 14:31
  When we use adult thinking to interpret our kid's behavior,
• 14:35
  we miss what's really going on underneath.
• 14:39
  When your son hits your daughter.
• 14:41
  It's because your son got emotionally overwhelmed and he
• 14:44
  didn't know any other way to show it.
• 14:47
  He can learn other ways to show it,
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  but if we can meet him where he is and say,
• 14:51
  wow,
• 14:52
  he was really upset about that.
• 14:54
  It doesn't mean we don't set a limit on inappropriate behavior.
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  We don't allow siblings to hit each other.
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  That's not the implication.
• 15:00
  We will set necessary limits,
• 15:02
  as we've talked about in earlier episodes.
• 15:05
  But if we can understand.
• 15:08
  The child wasn't doing something that he knows is wrong.
• 15:12
  He was showing and demonstrating how upset he was.
• 15:17
  When a kid says,
• 15:17
  no,
• 15:18
  I don't want to leave,
• 15:19
  it's not disrespectful defiance.
• 15:23
  She just really,
• 15:24
  really wants to stay and have more fun on the playground.
• 15:28
  It's a whole different mindset
• 15:30
  of recognizing what's actually going on for our children
• 15:33
  and we can't do it through adulthood bias.
• 15:36
  So why does this matter in parenting and or in play therapy?
• 15:40
  In therapy,
• 15:41
  one of the most important concepts
• 15:45
  is the child is never misbehaving.
• 15:48
  They are showing how they feel,
• 15:50
  they're showing what they can't put into words yet,
• 15:53
  they're showing what's going on for them,
• 15:56
  but it's never misbehavior.
• 15:58
  At home,
• 16:00
  when parents interpret behavior through adulthood bias,
• 16:04
  often the reaction is frustration.
• 16:07
  But what we want to achieve
• 16:09
  is a point where we approach
• 16:11
  behavior
• 16:12
  with curiosity.
• 16:15
  And when we shift away from adulthood bias,
• 16:18
  it actually helps us see behavior as communication.
• 16:22
  I heard a quote quite a while ago and I actually talked
• 16:24
  about it on a parenting podcast episode quite a while back.
• 16:27
  But the quote,
• 16:28
  I'm paraphrasing,
• 16:29
  but the quote said,
• 16:31
  The child's most difficult behavior
• 16:35
  is
• 16:36
  of direct cue to their greatest pain points.
• 16:40
  So the thing that drives you most crazy about your kid,
• 16:43
  they scream,
• 16:44
  they cry,
• 16:45
  they have tantrums,
• 16:45
  they hit,
• 16:46
  they kick,
• 16:46
  they bite,
• 16:47
  they refuse to brush their teeth,
• 16:49
  they will not stay in their bed.
• 16:50
  Whatever the behavior is that drives you the craziest.
• 16:55
  That is the most easy direct cue to their greatest pain point
• 16:59
  and through adulthood bias,
• 17:01
  we see it as frustrating.
• 17:04
  Rather than
• 17:05
  I need to be curious about what is at the heart of this behavior.
• 17:09
  It's a huge paradigm shift.
• 17:12
  So essentially what needs to happen here is we make a mental swap
• 17:17
  because we actually have the ability to do that.
• 17:19
  Another element of adulthood bias,
• 17:21
  we cannot expect our children to make mental swaps.
• 17:24
  They're not cognitive,
• 17:24
  they're not rational.
• 17:26
  They don't think.
• 17:27
  They feel an experience.
• 17:30
  So we can make a mental swap.
• 17:32
  So instead of going,
• 17:33
  what is wrong with you?
• 17:34
  Why did you do that?
• 17:36
  What were you thinking?
• 17:38
  What gets into your head sometimes?
• 17:40
  These are all phrases we say all the time to our kids,
• 17:42
  and every single one of them
• 17:44
  assumes cognitive function that is not there.
• 17:49
  So instead of what is wrong with you,
• 17:51
  what were you thinking?
• 17:52
  What goes through your head?
• 17:54
  We can swap that to
• 17:57
  what,
• 17:58
  what are,
• 17:58
  what is this child trying to show me right now?
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  What does this child need me to see and know right now?
• 18:04
  What is going on
• 18:06
  inside for this kid at this moment?
• 18:09
  And instead of assuming intent.
• 18:12
  You're just trying to push my buttons,
• 18:14
  you're trying to be manipulative.
• 18:16
  I did a podcast episode on that too.
• 18:17
  Kids are not manipulative.
• 18:19
  If you
• 18:20
  didn't listen to that,
• 18:21
  go back,
• 18:22
  search my podcast archives and you'll find kids aren't manipulative.
• 18:27
  We assume intent
• 18:28
  and therefore we think you're pushing buttons,
• 18:30
  you're manipulative,
• 18:32
  you,
• 18:32
  you know exactly what you're doing,
• 18:34
  you're just trying to irritate people.
• 18:36
  You just refuse to comply.
• 18:38
  We assume a lot of intent.
• 18:40
  We should assume expression.
• 18:44
  You are expressing something to me right now.
• 18:46
  You are trying to show me something.
• 18:49
  Are you trying to show me that you're scared?
• 18:51
  Are you trying to show me that you are overwhelmed?
• 18:54
  Are you trying to show me that your feelings are
• 18:56
  so big and you have no way to label them?
• 18:58
  So you need to demonstrate
• 19:00
  how big of feelings you have because you don't have an emotional vocabulary yet?
• 19:05
  Essentially,
• 19:06
  if we pause
• 19:08
  and we ask ourselves,
• 19:09
  what is my child experiencing right now
• 19:13
  that makes sense of this behavior?
• 19:16
  It changes everything.
• 19:18
  This is true while they're in therapy,
• 19:20
  while they're not in therapy.
• 19:21
  Why?
• 19:21
  Because we have to make the swap.
• 19:24
  We can't expect kids to come up to our level.
• 19:26
  They can't.
• 19:29
  We can go down to theirs though.
• 19:31
  We've been
• 19:32
  in the place developmentally
• 19:34
  as children where we solely operated out of our emotions and our experiences.
• 19:39
  We've been there,
• 19:40
  we know what it's like.
• 19:41
  They've never lived in a cognitive brain.
• 19:44
  They have no idea what that's like,
• 19:45
  they can't.
• 19:47
  We are the only ones in a parent-child relationship
• 19:50
  that can meet them where they are.
• 19:51
  They can't meet us where we are,
• 19:53
  and we expect them to all the time.
• 19:56
  Come talk to me,
• 19:57
  Come reason out of this.
• 19:58
  Come be rational.
• 20:00
  Come let me explain and,
• 20:01
  and
• 20:02
  teach you a lesson.
• 20:03
  They can't.
• 20:05
  It's foolish and futile,
• 20:07
  actually,
• 20:08
  to waste time and energy and breath
• 20:11
  and emotion
• 20:13
  on getting our kids to think their way through things they can't.
• 20:18
  So instead of assuming intent,
• 20:20
  what is my child experiencing right now
• 20:24
  that makes sense of this behavior?
• 20:27
  And the behavior can still be difficult.
• 20:30
  The behavior can still be frustrating,
• 20:32
  but when,
• 20:33
  when you understand the why,
• 20:34
  it allows us to change our response.
• 20:37
  And that preserves relationship.
• 20:40
  And through relationship,
• 20:41
  their safety and security to explore feelings and experiences.
• 20:46
  And through relationship,
• 20:47
  kids start to behave in more self-enhancing
• 20:49
  ways when they know they're unconditionally accepted.
• 20:53
  And so on and so on.
• 20:54
  It's a chain reaction.
• 20:57
  So this is a major shift,
• 20:59
  and this is why the series begins with this,
• 21:01
  because adulthood bias
• 21:03
  requires us
• 21:05
  to understand
• 21:06
  that we cannot expect them
• 21:08
  to think and act the way we do
• 21:11
  and all other concepts are going to build on that.
• 21:13
  And if we let go of our adult interpretations,
• 21:17
  we are able to see our kids for who they really are.
• 21:21
  And what they really need
• 21:22
  and what they're really experiencing
• 21:25
  and that's where growth begins.
• 21:28
  So I'm very excited about this series and this new season.
• 21:32
  So I'm looking forward to diving in.
• 21:34
  We're going to talk about why child-centered
• 21:37
  play therapy works in the next episode.
• 21:40
  And if you have thoughts or questions or comments,
• 21:42
  I would love to hear from you brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
• 21:46
  Two N's for Brenna and singular kid.
• 21:49
  So brenna@thekidcounselor.com,
• 21:51
  I'd love to hear from you.
• 21:52
  I appreciate y'all and
• 21:54
  your kids appreciate
• 21:56
  you starting to realize that they need you to meet them where they are.
• 22:01
  It makes a huge difference.
• 22:02
  It changes the entire dynamic in the relationship.
• 22:05
  So just a,
• 22:06
  a challenge for the week,
• 22:08
  mindset shift away from adulthood bias.
• 22:11
  Love you all,
• 22:11
  we'll talk again soon.
• 22:12
  Bye.
• 22:13
  Thank you for listening to
• 22:14
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 22:18
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 22:21
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.