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Empowering Women Through Coaching and Self-Connection with Zerina Derveni · Authentic Living

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Welcome to Authentic Living with Roxanne, a place where we have conscious conversations
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about things that really matter in our lives.
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And now here's your host, Roxanne Durhaj.
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Hi everyone, it's Roxanne Durvodge.
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Welcome back to Authentic Living with Roxanne.
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So today I have a coach who has had a pretty amazing background, Zareena Durvani.
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And I hope I'm still saying this right.
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Just clarified it.
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And she's been a life coach and she works with women to discover their inner peace, confidence
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and purpose.
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She was in the corporate sector for quite a long time and then made a transition into her
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own coaching practice, having worked with a lot of Fortune 500 brands for over a decade.
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So today we're going to talk a little bit about kind of authenticity and balance.
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Thanks so much for coming on today to chat with us.
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Thank you for having me, Roxanne.
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Excited to be here.
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Yeah, so tell me about your path.
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I know we were talking a little bit offline, but what's got you the space where you wanted
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to work more so with women, but you had said you had worked a lot with men.
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So what was a Did you go to school with a thought of eventually coaching, or what kind of
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schooling did you do?
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Yeah, so in school, I studied actually law and business, and then I also did a postgraduate
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degree in corporate communication and PR.
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So completely different from coaching.
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My journey started, I think, like most millennials, where we were encouraged to go to
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school, get degrees, work hard, get a good job, and then, you know, you'll be settled.
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I think that was the messaging back then.
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I had a passion for law, still do, but did study law in my undergrad as well as business.
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I thought I wanted to be a lawyer, but then I thought, you know what, I really was invested
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in just growing businesses.
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I think that's where my consulting and sales journey started.
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I started my first job working for a Fortune 500 company and would oversee partnerships.
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And that's really where my corporate experience started.
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I was doing really well.
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And then from there I thought, is this enough?
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Can I do better?
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I think when you're going through your first journey of having an adult job, always kind of
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want to grow quickly and rapidly.
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And I had done that and moved into my second company where I was again an executive and was
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overseeing a lot of our larger partnerships, both from a North America perspective and
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global perspective as well.
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And then I started to kind of get that same feeling like, okay, like what now?
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Like, is this enough?
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I think I reached pretty high milestones at a young age and I was still questioning, I think,
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the definition of success.
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So, at that time, you know, again, I thought, oh, maybe I need to switch my job again, or
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find another career, or find another industry.
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So I think there was this cycle of these questions coming up where I was just digging on
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the surface level because, let's face it, life is so busy.
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We obviously need to move on and we need to work, so I wasn't really going deeper.
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However, I knew something was starting to become a cycle.
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I think by the time I was working for my second company, was picking up the cycle in me.
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And just actually I should have mentioned this.
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So from a very, very young age, I've always been someone who's been very curious, someone
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who's always kind of questioned the basic things that most people don't necessarily talk
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about.
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So I was starting to really ask these questions myself and say, okay, like, why, you know, why
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am I not happy?
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Or why is this not fulfilling me?
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I think that's the right question.
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Why is this not fulfilling me?
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Yeah, onto my third company that I worked for.
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All the companies that I've worked for, I've had really good experience.
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Think I mentioned before we went on live that I worked with some great men who really helped me
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grow in my professional field.
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So by the time I got to my third company, I think I was two years in, I was asking myself
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the same question and I said, okay, no more, like something's gotta change.
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And that's when I started to really get into coaching.
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I had coached before my teams but I really started to get into that personal development
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and learning more about coaching and listening.
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I think I would listen to podcast every day for about two hours in the evenings around coaching
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and personal development and psychology and really started to get this passion for it.
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I started to heal myself and started to go through my own self discovery journey as a
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young woman.
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And I had this moment, never looked back, and I said, Okay, I think I want to be a coach.
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I'm so passionate about it.
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I can help women navigate some challenges in their life that they're having.
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And then from there I sat on it for six months.
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Of course, it wasn't wake up and quit your job, and I financial responsibilities too, and I had
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also responsibilities to the organization I was working for, but I thought about it for six
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months, still had that zest for it, and then from there, I said, okay, I started working
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towards it, and I've never, I always say this, I've never looked back and I've never worked
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harder.
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Entering the entrepreneurial world and being it's, you know, it's oftentimes when you've
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been, and I did the transition as well fourteen years ago, and you think, Oh yeah, I know what
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I'm up against until you're actually in it.
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And then you realize the first two years, it's a lot of work, gratifying.
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But again, you become the everything as you kind of enter into the terrain of starting your
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own business.
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Now, you talk a lot about being curious.
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So when you at home, were you validated for curiosity?
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Or was there anything that you could say that you started to engage in when you were young
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that made you keep that kind of curious mind?
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Yeah, so I think when I was younger, sometimes I was validated.
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Sometimes my parents were just so busy, right?
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I mean, I think back then everyone's working.
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So sometimes I would get the response like, oh, why do we do this?
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And why are people working if they're not happy?
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Or why are people in relationships if they're not happy?
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So I would ask those like basic questions that of course my parents would answer sometimes and
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sometimes they would say, we don't know, you don't need to ask questions for everything,
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right?
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Like a typical response when you're younger.
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But I think that curiosity for me was important because what I was looking for more so, it
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wasn't necessarily answers, it was people's intentions, right?
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And I always saw, okay, people typically had good intentions or people had pure intentions,
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but their actions weren't reflective of that.
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So I think that's where my curiosity started, because even into my teenage years, I was
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always like, I wonder what people's intentions are and why they do what they do.
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And I wasn't necessarily looking for the right answer, was just trying to match the behaviour
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From
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what you were saying, yeah.
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Exactly, yeah.
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I think as a young child, I was validated in a sense that I was more intelligent by asking
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these questions, where it was like, oh, she sees this and she can pick up on these body
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languages and behaviours.
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But yeah, I think it was entertained when I was younger.
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Then in my young adolescence, I think life got busy and I got very much so into this is how it
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is and just go with it, right?
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So that voice got a little bit quiet.
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So why women?
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Like you said, you had a really good experience with the different global brands that you
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worked with.
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What made you land on wanting to work specifically with women, Serena?
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Yeah.
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No, I think women are one of
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the
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most fascinating creatures.
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I think the way that we think and the way that we feel is just so different to men, right?
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I think I respect working with men so much in corporate because they are very much so black
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and white.
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They knew how to prioritise their priorities, they just really helped me gain some business
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skills that I don't know if I would have been able to had I worked maybe in a different
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group.
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I'm not sure, I just really valued my time working with men.
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But with women, we're just, we're different.
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We have other thoughts, we have other ways of coming up with why we do what we do, whether
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it's emotional, whether it's behavioural, whether it's psychological.
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There's just so many variations to women.
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And I think me being a woman and me going through my own journey of almost understanding,
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I'm going to say this, my own kind of BS, right?
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So there's a way to communicate to women that I think you need to have some sort of compassion
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mixed with logic, mixed with emotion.
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I've actually worked with a few men when it comes to coaching, and they're very action
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oriented.
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And as much as results are important to me, I also value going through that journey of really
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understanding and clarifying why it is that we maybe are in a situation that we are in, or why
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it is that we're questioning things, or even our limited beliefs are a little bit different
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just because of the way we're built genetically.
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So for me, it was really important to take all my lessons learned, my experience, as well as
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my credentials, and work specifically with women.
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What do you think are the some of the common blocks with women when you start to work with
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them?
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Is it an agent stage block of their earlier into their career versus you made the
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transition from corporate to entrepreneurship?
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Are there some core blockers that you find when you work with women?
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Maybe in the business let's start in the business arena.
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Let's say in the work life, work kind of end to things.
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What are some of the blocks that you find yourself working with women?
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I think for me, let's speak to business first.
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What I noticed and what I did differently was sometimes there was this lack of confidence or
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the shyness from being confident and speaking up, Where actually, believe it or not, in all
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my areas of life, I never struggled with confidence at work.
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Even though I never knew anything, I would walk into the room, I would hold my head high, I
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knew I belonged in the room, and you couldn't tell me else that I didn't belong there.
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So I think there's a sense of this confidence that they belong there and that them being
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there is enough.
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Now granted, obviously, you back it up with your work and your expertise, just knowing that
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I think is the first step of having that confidence that you belong there.
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So I would say that's one limiting belief that maybe I've noticed.
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It was young executive males, mean when I was in corporate, they would think and likewise
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with you, I always spoke up.
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And sometimes I didn't have the answers, but I figured if I didn't, I would learn and always
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thought to speak up.
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But the males, the male executives in the room thought nothing of it.
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It just naturally rolled
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out the Natural.
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Right.
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And then they were equally as talented females in the room.
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And you could see them just trying to muster up the courage.
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It'd be like, that basic fundamental difference, and that goes back to so many
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variables with men and women, but that men just don't ask permission.
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They just go forward and they highlight in a very eloquent way what they've done and what
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they've touched and those types of things.
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And then women, you're like, thinking, did this last year and you did this.
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It's not as eloquent flowing off their tongues, whereas men, they just kind of say, Well, I did
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this, this, this, and yeah, I should do this because I think I'm ready.
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And you're like, I mean, the
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other That's so normal.
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And other women that you coach, you're like, well, I guess I should have thought of that,
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those types of things.
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So just that you're so right.
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It doesn't come as fluidly for a lot of women.
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There are women now, I think, the younger generation like your time, my time in corporate
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in the '90s and 2000s, it was still coming about where you had the mentors.
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You didn't see women, I'm gonna say, shoveling.
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It was a lot of shoveling in my time.
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And now you see the sponsorships and you see women pulling up other women, which I think was
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really refreshing to see with the younger generation, whereas in my time, it was more
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like people felt like they had to pit against each other to be able to succeed.
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No, it's a really good point.
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And I actually, in my coaching, talk a lot about imposter syndrome, right?
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Because as women, we do suffer from it.
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And what I actually teach is stay away from performing.
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You don't need to perform.
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You just need to be, right?
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You said something, Roxanne, that's really interesting.
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It's speaking up.
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So I think not all of us have the ability to speak up, right?
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I think it's great if you do, but there's also something to be said about quiet confidence,
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right?
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So I wasn't the first one to speak up in a room, but I was the first one to walk in with
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my head held high, and like I owned the room, right?
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I think some people will be better at maybe showing that confidence to their energy, some
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will be better at speaking up.
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So really it's finding what works for you, where you're not performing, but you're just
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being you.
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And I think that's how you really start to gain that success and confidence is just doing
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whatever works for you, but be you and show up confident.
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And not try to emulate somebody that you think I should be this way.
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It was to your point, like I'm an extrovert and so the extroverts are generally going down the
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line before thinking what they're going to say.
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But then some introverted or ambroverts, whatever you want to label them, are there.
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When they do speak, it's so profound.
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And you're like, wow, that was so good.
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And those people oftentimes with that quiet confidence to your point, they can draw you in
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because they know who they are.
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Right?
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So I think you know what I mean?
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It's that it's that quiet confidence.
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So confidence is definitely something that I would think that you coach a lot on.
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What else do you find with the women that you're coaching with business?
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What are some of their concerns or blockages that you might have to work with?
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I think another blockage that I work with is this narrative that they have in their mind of
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just their environment.
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Let's say their family and friends have told them something and then they believe this
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narrative and go along with the narrative.
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For example, I'll give you a real life example that I often face.
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So if they're working at a company and they're not happy, their family and friends are saying,
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Oh, well, it's okay.
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Just stick it through.
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You'll be fine.
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This is life.
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So there is this narrative that's been now absorbed as their own narrative, but they're
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not happy because that's why they're coming to me, right?
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They're feeling lost or stuck.
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So really it's questioning and it's kind of unlearning some of those subconscious beliefs
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that they've developed through narrative of their environment.
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And that's scary, right?
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So when you don't have that level of consciousness, and having somebody tell you
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what your family and friends are speaking probably from their perspective, we need to
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step away, you're obviously feeling something's off.
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I'm not saying to leave your job, but I'm saying can it be fixed?
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And most often times, things can be fixed.
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It's just really, it's unlearning some of those narratives that you've developed in your
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subconscious, and you think those are beliefs, right?
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So I think that's another one, really.
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It's that narrative that women have.
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And for some reason, Roxanne, and you can probably speak to this more than I can, I'm
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still in in my journey but women and our beliefs, like we hold them so true whereas it's
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like, that's it.
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Like, these are our beliefs and it's working with women to like really unravel what those
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beliefs are and why do you believe what you believe?
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Are those really your values?
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So, there's a lot of unlearning and questioning before we go into exploration that I have to do
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with women where I find these narratives are just kind of like stuck and they're fixed in
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their mind but once we start unlearning them and then that's when I start seeing some
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transformation in their mindset.
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They're like, No, I deserve better.
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And maybe I should speak up.
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And maybe I should try this.
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And yeah, so probably narratives.
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I
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like that.
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Yeah, I like the unlearning approach, right?
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Because even like when my mom was a stay at home mother and I went off and went to school
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and did all these things.
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So I mean, my mom, great guidance, but not on the corporate end.
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She probably would give me the guidance like you were saying your other clients would get.
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Then you have to find that mentor or something or someone that's ahead of you.
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And oftentimes, like with me, when my son was young, I was traveling all the time.
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I was missing things.
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And then there was the guilt between being mom but loving what I did, right?
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And again, having that person ahead of you, if you have that in your lives or whatever, which
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I think a lot of younger women have now.
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That wasn't the case with me.
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So I often had mentors at work, sometimes mostly men at that time, and who were
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phenomenal, to your point, but then started getting coaching.
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I remember getting a coach relatively early so that I could get that guidance to where do I
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want to be?
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What do I what skills do I have?
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What things are blocked?
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And that already allowed me to propel things like I'm talking way, way back in the early
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nineties.
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Kind of
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coaching wasn't that big of a thing.
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I recognized that in order to kind of progress along with the levels that I was looking for,
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had to, you know, kind of get guidance from someone who could, you know, kind of steer me.
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But I think in today's day and age, it's kind of a normative kind of thing for people to seek
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coaching guidance when they're stuck.
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Right, yeah.
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And the beauty with coaching is when you're feeling because it's usually feeling stuck or
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lost or you're curious, right?
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You're curious about your own development.
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Those are usually the three reasons why someone seeks a coach.
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But the beauty with a coach is they actually help you in your present time, right?
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I've got a lot of clients who've done years and years of therapy, which is phenomenal.
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When you get into coaching, it's like, okay, we're working towards the issue you have right
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now.
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How do we move forward?
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It's great that you were able to get a coach even back then when maybe it wasn't as popular
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because
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Right, right, it wasn't.
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But I think I realized it and it was now I think back the investment that I made back
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then, good younger version of myself, because it's really what propelled the doors that got
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opened as I was kind of trying to maneuver up and get where I wanted to be.
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And because I, like your clients, I felt, okay, I'm missing something.
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I need to make a step, but I don't know how do I do it?
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What's the right fit.
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When I did assessments at that time, I could see where the misalignment was with where I was
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at.
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And then I started to search for positions that were more in alignment.
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And once I got into that stream, I was playing dollhouse kind of thing.
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I was so happy because then I was like, ding, ding, ding, wow.
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And I just went through my career with that knowledge so that the decisions that I made in
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the future were additive, right?
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Not going backwards to say, I should stay.
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You have families, you have homes, you have all that stuff to be concerned about.
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But luckily having that someone to just be there for you who could just listen to you with
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that objective lens, like you said, in the present, not, yeah, you might need to
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understand a pattern, but it's kind of like, Now what do you need to do?
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No.
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It's interesting because your journey sounds like you were able to get clarity pretty early
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on and then make decisions based on your values that were in alignment with whatever decisions
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you made.
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So I think we're all looking for clarity in things, because once you're clear and once you
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have a perspective of clarity, decision making is easy.
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It's not hard, right?
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Decision making is hard when you're not clear.
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And then your experience to me, I don't know, when you're talking, it just screams like you
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were able to get that clarity from coaching, which is really like that's the result we want
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to provide as coaches to our clients, is help them gain clarity.
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So then that way
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they start
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making decisions.
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Yeah.
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It becomes everything kinda the decisions become up in alignment, and then you're not
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looking for that validation.
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You might you obviously go out to someone after the fact, but you kinda come from a different
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position to say, this is what I'm thinking.
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Do you have some perspective versus what do you think I should do?
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Which is a different cause.
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Right?
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Yeah.
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Let's talk
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about I love that.
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Let's talk about home because I know I'm gonna assume that women still have a lot of
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challenges, probably a little bit different from like I said, when I left corporate,
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goodness, back in 2010.
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Right?
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So this is I would say lots has happened since then.
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What struggles are women having with or are they having struggles with work life balance?
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I I think I know the answer to that, but I wanna see hear what you have to say.
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Absolutely.
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Yes.
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I think I think this perception that there is such thing as balance, I personally don't
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believe in it.
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I think in life you're in a certain phase or you're in a certain wave and whatever that
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means for you, you find whatever balance based on your priorities.
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I think having a work life balance is important.
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It might change day to day or week to week, but really it's figuring out what works for you.
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I worked with women who had little kids, and I would imagine how difficult it would be
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sometimes to miss some of those milestones, attending the school dances or shows.
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I really think that this work life balance perception is that, yes, it's difficult, so
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understand that it's difficult to achieve.
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Can you make it better for you based on your priority?
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Yes.
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But I think, again, it's going to always change based on where you are in life.
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And what I also teach my clients, which is important, is have one to three priorities a
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day, and that is your balance.
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So if you've got to work, if you've to take care of the kids, if you have to do self care,
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those are your three priorities.
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That's it.
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Focus on that rather than trying to be everywhere to everyone.
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Like that is just not realistic.
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So I think we're still going through this shift of understanding what work life balance is.
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I mean, think about it.
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Women haven't been working that much, right, to really understand the secret to that.
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So I think we're still learning.
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But do I think there's such thing as work life balance?
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That's an absolute.
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Absolutely not.
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Do I think that there's ways that you can improve it?
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Yes.
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And I think it's staying focused to small steps daily and know that it can shift and that's
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okay.
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That's reality.
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Yeah, and I think one thing I learned really when my son was young was when I was at work,
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tried to focus just being at work.
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And when I was home, I just tried to cut off as much just to try to be at home.
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But now we're in a different environment where people are working from home.
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So there's lots of kind of pilfering in of that, right, like to some degree.
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Especially if you think of through the pandemic, Serena, when the kids were young, all
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the women that I was coaching then, was difficult for them because not that their
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partners weren't helping, and I would say that men are they are stepping up to roles and
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helping a lot, but still a lot of it falls on the mom the the keeper of the family, all that
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stuff.
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But I think couples are getting better at recognizing that they want their children to
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have an experience with both parents so that fathers are definitely more involved.
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It's a conversation about what's it going to look like if we're both deciding that we want
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to have children and you're wanting to keep your career going as well.
25:14
Exactly.
25:15
And I think one secret that has been helpful is have your non negotiable from day one.
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So, just know what that is, right?
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Whether it's your non negotiable is date night with your partner, whether your non negotiable
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is turning off at a certain time, it's just have it and stick by it and figure out what
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that is because I think that then will help eliminate some of the pressure and stress that
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we as women put on ourselves, right?
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It's have this non negotiable, maybe one or two things and stick by it no matter what.
25:46
Because people respect you if you're consistent.
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They will not respect you though if you're flip floppy.
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So I do think that is really important.
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And whether it's for yourself, whether it's for your partner, whether it's for your kids, you
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figure that out yourself, right?
25:58
But having non negotiable I think helps with work life balance.
26:02
Absolutely, see it's not balanced, it's like a teeter totter, right?
26:08
Harmony!
26:10
It's like work effectiveness probably is a better word, because sometimes you feel
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completely effective one place and then you're like, oh no, I'm off kilter gear.
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But like to your point is what is the kind of the middle ground for you and what are the
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things that are the givens that you recognize that you if those are out of alignment, then
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ultimately then it's going to be tough for you to be able to keep enjoying the beautiful life
26:32
that you've probably created.
26:35
Yeah.
26:36
Now, in reference to the transition that you made, and if there are women that are thinking
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of making transitions to go off on their own in your path, what did you experience kind of
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creating that path from corporate on to kind of being an entrepreneur?
26:55
Yeah, oh wow, I wish we had more time.
26:58
But I think for me, having experienced success in corporate and then branching out on my own,
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there was a sense of being a bit naive to thinking, yeah, I do want to say that there was
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a sense of being naive to thinking, oh, I've got this, I've succeeded before.
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This shouldn't be as much of an issue as maybe I thought.
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I knew it was going to take time, but I was like, oh, I got this.
27:24
So I think there is a sense of being a bit naive with not really understanding what it is
27:29
to really start your own business and work for yourself.
27:32
So anyone that's even thinking about it, A, find something that you're really good at or
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passionate about.
27:39
Because there's going to be some hard times, and unless you're clear about that, you might
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fear out and go back to a regular, whether it's corporate or a job.
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But I think you have to understand that there's going to be some hard work where you're not
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being acknowledged, have nobody kind of looking over you and saying, Hey, you don't have
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resources.
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I think that was a big one, not knowing how much resources companies provide you.
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You're just really on your own.
28:07
So I think that was a big lesson learned.
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Again, it was someone who did really well in business, understood finances and everything,
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yet still I was a little bit naive.
28:17
So I was blindsided by that, I think just from lack of experience.
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Working for myself, probably that.
28:23
And then the second thing was, so when I started the whole coaching journey, I knew that
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I was going to impact people's personal lives.
28:33
And that was a lot of pressure, right?
28:36
Because I think it's one thing to step into a business room and talk business and talk
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finance.
28:41
It's another to be one on one with someone and really have this positive influence on their
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life so that they can also find their path.
28:50
I think for me, there was this sense of responsibility where I wanted to make sure that
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whatever it is that I do, I guide my clients.
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I'm never interjecting perspective on them.
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It was really important for me not to have any quick fixes.
29:06
It was a long term journey and giving them the right tools that they can use for their life
29:14
long term was something that was really important to me.
29:17
So it took me a little bit longer to work on my own coaching program and my own context because
29:23
I really wanted to add that value that was important to me.
29:27
So yeah, it took me a little bit longer, but I thought very well of how I wanted my results to
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look like for my clients, how responsible I felt.
29:36
So I think leading for me with integrity was really important.
29:40
So there was a little bit of delay in my success, but that had its purpose.
29:44
So yeah, just understanding no matter how good you are at stuff, when you start something new,
29:50
it's a new journey.
29:51
You're a student all over again, so having that open perspective is important.
29:56
Staying focused on, again, doing what you're really good at or you're passionate about will
30:01
help you go and get through those challenging times.
30:05
And then understanding, okay, what kind of value do you want to bring?
30:09
Again, whether it's to a person or to a certain organization, and then stick with it.
30:15
Because I think, again, consistency is key to reaching success.
30:20
Absolutely.
30:21
And being authentically, I always say, what's the internal GPS saying?
30:25
But you have to get quiet to be able to really stay connected.
30:29
I mean, like in your day, we were talking just before and talking about our busy days.
30:33
There's so much going on day to day that you really And I think for me as a woman, it's
30:38
really still taking that time to just have that quiet something that really helps me.
30:44
And when I go for extended periods of time, I could feel myself just being weeply wobbly.
30:49
Like, I'm getting through the day and I'm doing the thing, but it's not feeling right.
30:53
So I think that connection to self through whatever method works for you, and lots of
30:59
people do it in different ways, that's very important.
31:04
Rosaria, this has been an amazing conversation.
31:06
So for people that are looking to connect and that are wanting to maybe consider doing some
31:12
coaching, where might they get ahold of you and things like your website and things like that.
31:17
Yeah, no, you can find me online at www.zerenalifecoach.com.
31:23
There is a contact form there where you can reach out to me depending on whether you have a
31:28
question or a specific area of coaching you're interested in.
31:32
Also on Instagram you can find me at zerenalifecoach.
31:36
And yeah, a of Thank
31:40
you so much.
31:41
And I think, yeah, you bring a perspective, obviously, to women out there, that's a bit
31:46
younger generation as well.
31:48
I think women are doing so many big things in the world and getting that extra guidance and
31:54
having someone to support them is so, so very key.
31:57
Like I said, in my path, it was instrumental for the things that I was able to do.
32:01
And I would say, you know, anyone struggling or even if you don't know, like, to Serena's
32:06
point, sometimes it's just, I'm curious.
32:09
Right.
32:10
Nothing's wrong.
32:11
I'm curious.
32:11
This is where you can move the needle on so many things in your life just by having a
32:15
conversation with a coach.
32:17
So everyone, thanks again for tuning in.
32:19
What's new with me is that I am starting a course on the ROR book that I did last year, so
32:25
that will be starting in June.
32:27
It's called the ROR plush program for burnt out leaders that wanna manage their teams.
32:32
Just reach out to me at Roxanne Durhodge.
32:34
Roxanne at Roxanne Durhodge dot com.
32:37
I'll give you the details and the start dates, and I look forward to connecting with anyone
32:41
that would like more information.
32:42
Again, Zarina, thanks so much.
32:44
And, everyone, thanks for hanging out with us, and we'll talk to you again soon.
32:48
Take care.
32:51
Thanks for tuning in to Authentic Living with Roxanne, creating the space for positive,
32:57
healthy change.
32:58
Roxanne is a keynote speaker, psychotherapist, and coach.
33:02
To work with Roxanne, visit roxannederhaj.com/blueprint.
33:08
We'll see you next time on Authentic Living with Roxanne.