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Turn On The News: Personality Crisis · Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_03: We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin direct via
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_03: satellite from our on-the-spot task force.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_03: No sports, no rock, no information.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_03: For mindless chatter, we're your station.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_03: Stand by for news.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_03: News on the mark.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_03: Newsroom in New York.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_03: You have tuned in Turn on the News,
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_03: the weekly newscast from the radio network,
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_03: with all the radio coverage of the radio.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_03: Now with computerized news readers,
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_03: with fewer meddling humans,
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_03: and more aggregated reporting and automated music.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_03: Tune in Turn on the News each week for the latest news,
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_03: radio art,
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_03: and more from our robot reporters,
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: making sure you hear both sides good and evil every time you turn on the news.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_03: is why the world has to have some faith with all the ways of communicating we can't
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_03: get in touch with who we're hating
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_03: Why does everything have to be so weird?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_03: These are dangerous times.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_03: Something terrible is going to happen.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_03: Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump faced off in their
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_03: first debate a few weeks ago.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_03: Most everyone agreed that Trump had a rough night, so we decided it's only fair
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_03: to give him a chance to redeem himself.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_03: That's right, both candidates are right here, right now, and they're ready to go.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_03: So without further ado, here's the presidential debate.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_03: Welcome to the presidential debate.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_03: I'm your moderator, Seth Meyers.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_03: Let's jump right in.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: Former President Trump, it is wonderful to see you.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_03: That's an incorrect statement.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_03: True.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_03: Caught me in a lie.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_03: Former President Trump,
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_03: I hear you're getting a ton of resumes from people who want to work in your administration.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: Where are they mostly coming from?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_03: Prisons and jails from mental institutions and insane asylums.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: The same old tired playbook.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: A bunch of lies, grievances, and name-calling.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: Former President Trump, you've yet to confirm that you'll accept the results of the election.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_03: What do you say to people who are worried about a repeat of the January 6th insurrection?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_03: I'll do it again and even better.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_03: Former President Trump, you used to be a Democrat, but now you claim to hate them.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_03: What happened?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_03: Nancy Pelosi rejected me.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_03: I get it.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_03: So it's pettiness.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_03: It's just pettiness.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_03: Vice President Harris, what do you get when you cross Benito Mussolini and Hannibal Lecter?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_03: A dictator who would eat you for lunch.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_03: Former President Trump, I have three empty spaces on my conservative dog whistle bingo card.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: Can you help me out?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_03: Transgender operations on illegal aliens that are in prison.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_03: Bingo!
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump, he's a sensitive soul.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_03: He is a fragile flower.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: You really have to coax him out of his shell.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: He just has a delicate nature.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_03: In fact, during a rally this week, he admitted something not many people know about him.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_03: He has difficulty accepting criticism.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: -"I don't like anybody that doesn't like me, I'll be honest.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: When they don't like me, I don't like them, okay?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_03: Sounds childish.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_03: When they don't like me, Lee, I don't like them.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_03: That's the way it is.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_03: Call it a personality defect."
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: -♪ But now frustration, heartache is what you got
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's amazing to watch him turn an arena full of people into an individual therapy session.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_03: Can't wait to see the questions at his next town hall.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_03: Hi, Mr. Trump.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_03: My name's Dr. Ziegler.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_03: I have a two-part question.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_03: What would you do about inflation, and how would you feel about starting on 20 milligrams of Prozac?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_03: Well, now you're trying to be something.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: Now you've got to do something.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_03: Want to be someone who cow-wow-wows.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: But you're thinking about the times you did.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_03: They took every act.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it's all got to be a shame when you start to scream and shout.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_03: You've got to contradict all those times.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_03: You better fly about.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_03: You were spotted.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_03: Trump becomes enamored with the worst people in the world,
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_03: from the Taliban to Vladimir Putin to Kid Rock if they flatter him,
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_03: and he'll get into bitter feuds with war heroes and beloved icons if they even so
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_03: much as gently criticize him.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_03: This is a man who has said both that he hates Taylor Swift and that he fell in love with Kim Jong-un.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_03: This is probably a personality defect, but I tend to like people that like me.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_03: The funny thing is I got along with the tough ones much better than I got along with the weak ones.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_03: You had some real weak ones, too.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't get along with them as well.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's strange.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Must be a personality defect.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's probably a good thing.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: The prime minister of Hungary, very tough man, strong man.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_03: Very, you know, somebody that I always got along.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_03: I get along with the strong ones.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_03: I don't get along with the weak ones.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't that sad?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: That's a personality defect.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_03: It's weird to watch him come so close to a breakthrough and then bail.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_03: I always get along with the strong, the tough guys.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe even a little too tough, maybe a little too strong, too mean.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_03: You know, mean guys who are fathers, you could say.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: Fathers who are tough on their kids and make their kids sad.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: Anyway, look at this crowd tonight!
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_03: Is Donald Trump becoming introspective?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't think it was possible, but he seems to be engaging in some actual self-reflection.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, did a coconut fall on his head and change his entire personality?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_03: I hate Taylor Swift.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_03: Her music is overrated.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: But also,
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: you know,
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: when I listen to it...
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_03: You know,
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_03: when I listen to it,
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_03: it reminds me of times when my heart was broken.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe if I'm being honest with myself,
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_03: my rage at Taylor is that she's in touch with feelings that I,
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: you know,
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: I dare not unearth.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: Kim Jong-un is my best friend!
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_03: We have a great friendship.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_03: He's the one who gave me this coconut tree.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_03: It was hot, it's always hot, you know it was.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: Mason, honey, what you got?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: So by Trump's own confession, he likes people who like him, and that's it.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: He doesn't care about policy or character or integrity.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_03: If you praise him, he'll praise you.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: Personality,
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_03: when your mind starts to blend Got so much personality That you are the friend of a
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: friend of a friend of a friend of a friend
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_03: It's not just a personality defect, it's a... Personality defect times two.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, don't you worry.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: Personality crisis.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_03: Please don't.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: Voting is already underway in South Dakota, Minnesota, Virginia, and Vermont.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_03: Hear that?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_03: Those... you lucky bastards.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_03: Can you imagine already being done with voting?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_03: Just kicking back, relaxing?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_03: The Trump campaign just released this digital ad telling Georgians to register to
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_03: vote for Trump with the beautiful backdrop of a mountain range in Georgia.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: One problem, that was the wrong Georgia.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_03: This one being Georgia, the former Soviet Republic.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_03: Oops!
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: Oops-a-google.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_02: Voting has now begun in several states across the country,
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_02: and Donald Trump just yesterday tried a double backflip of logical thought.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_02: At a campaign event,
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_02: he first urged supporters to cast their ballots early and then immediately called
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_02: it stupid.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_03: We got to get out and vote.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: You can start right away.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: You know that, right?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: Now we have this stupid stuff where you can vote 45 days early.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_03: Just 40 days away from the election, which means it's time to start working on that insurrection body.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump was very busy truthing.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_03: Here's a sampling of the subjects he covered this weekend.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: Oprah, who he's mad at because she hosted an event for Kamala Harris.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: He wrote, a long time ago, Oprah Winfrey asked me to do her last network television show.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: The final week of her show was a big deal, and it was my honor with my family to do it.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_03: That is untrue.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: He was not on her final show.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_03: or her final week he was on three and a half months before her final show but
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: america i couldn't help but think this isn't the real oprah no it's true it can't
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: be it can't be the real oprah i met the real oprah once and madame tussauds she was
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: just sitting there calm as can be hanging out with her good friends julia roberts
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_03: pennywise and the late great e.t
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_03: The only good illegal alien.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_03: They're taking your jobs.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_03: Every job produced in this country over the last two years has gone to illegal aliens.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_03: Every job.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_03: Think of it.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: I am thinking of it, and that seems insane.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_03: Every single job of the last two years, he's so desperate that he's redlining the fear fear monger.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: Just look at his latest lawn sign.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_03: Trump 2024, everyone's dead.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_03: Migrants killed everyone.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_03: You're dead.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_03: Sad.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_03: He followed that up with, I saved flavored vaping in 2019.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_03: And it greatly helped people get off smoking.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_03: I raised the age to 21, keeping it away from the kids.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: Kamala and Joe want everything banned.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_03: Killing small businesses all over the country.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_03: I'll save vaping again.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_03: That's not true either, but, you know, he says it, he writes, he says it with such conviction.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_03: He's a convicted vapist, you know, and of course,
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_03: We later learned he had a financial reason for this sudden interest in piña colada flavored cigarettes.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_03: Trump vows to save vaping after a private meeting with vaping lobbyists.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_03: So on Friday, Darth Vapor was up until almost midnight banging his baby carrot nubs into his phone.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_03: to produce this masterpiece of fiction.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: Women are poorer than they were four years ago,
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: are less healthy than they were four years ago,
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_03: are less safe on the streets than they were four years ago,
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_03: are more depressed and unhappy than they were four years ago,
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_03: and less optimistic and confident in the future than they were four years ago.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_03: I will fix all of that and fast.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_03: And at long last, this national nightmare will be over.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_03: This reads like a suicide pact.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_03: And then he switches into hypnotist mode.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_03: You will no longer be thinking about abortion.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_03: I will protect women at a level never seen before.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_03: They will finally be healthy, hopeful, safe, and secure.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_03: Their lives will be happy, beautiful, and great again.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_03: According to polls, he's deeply unpopular with women.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe it's because of his legally adjudicated record of sexual assault.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe he forgot their birthdays.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's hard to say.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_03: But the fact is, he needs to win them back.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_03: And he knows it.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: So last night, he turned on the old Trump charm.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_03: Sadly,
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_03: women are poorer than they were four years ago,
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_03: much poorer,
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_03: are less healthy than they were four years ago,
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_03: are less safe on the streets than they were four years ago,
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_03: are more stressed and depressed and unhappy.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_03: Excuse me, you really know how to flatter a lady.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_03: Please tell me more about the bags under my eyes.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_03: I love how he's acknowledging that we're stressed out as though he's not the one stressing us out.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_03: Although it's not true that all women are poorer, E. Jean Carroll seems to be doing pretty well.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_03: But Trump is a master marketer.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_03: That's how you sell things to women.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: You convince them that they have a problem, and then you say, here, buy these vagina gummies.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_03: And yes, in this analogy, Trump is the vagina gummy.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_03: I believe that.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_03: I will fix all of that and fast.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_03: You will no longer be abandoned, lonely, or scared.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_03: You will no longer be in danger.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_03: You're not going to be in danger any longer.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_03: You will no longer have anxiety from all of the problems our country has today.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_03: Women will be happy, healthy, confident, and free.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_03: You will be protected, and I will be your protector.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_03: I'm actually meeting someone here.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_03: I have a boyfriend.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you so much, though.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_03: I know what you're thinking how can Trump expect women to support him when he took
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_03: away abortion rights well luckily he has an answer for that you will no longer be
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_03: thinking about abortion because we've done something that nobody else could have
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_03: done it is now where it always had to be with the states and they vote of the
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_03: people yes the states where women live
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_03: Remember that thing that you could always depend on because it was legal everywhere?
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_03: Well, now it's up for a vote every two years in every jurisdiction forever.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_03: That feels better, right?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_03: No need to think.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_03: Don't think.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_03: Just don't think.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_03: He's also been yelling at Jewish voters,
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_03: saying if he loses the election,
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_03: they will be to blame,
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_03: which is good.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_03: Finally, someone's blaming the Jewish people for things.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_03: He is, he's dumb, he's ignorant, and arrogant.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_03: He's, um, he's ignor-arrogant is what, he's an ignor-arrogant-an is what he is.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_03: Jewish voters don't need Donald Trump to guilt them for the decisions they make.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_03: That's what Jewish mothers are for, okay?
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_03: Trump may be busy campaigning, but he'll never lose sight of his first love selling garbage.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_03: All Caps Kangaroo made time to share something incredible.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: Hello, everyone.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: I have something incredible to share today.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_03: Well, what could it be?
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_03: That health care plan you've been promising for eight years?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_03: You're finally going to release your tax returns?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: What, they tested positive for syphilis?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_03: We are announcing the launch of Trump coins, a true symbol of American greatness.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_03: Wait, what was that?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_03: We are announcing the launch of Trump coins, a true symbol of American greatness.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: Even he doesn't sound sure.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_03: True symbol of American greatness.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_03: The Trump coin, it should be noted, costs $100.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_03: It contains $31 worth of silver.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_03: And what captures the essence of Donald Trump more than charting the fans who love him most?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_03: Three times more than a coin is worth.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_03: $100 for a Chuck E. Cheese token with his head on it.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_03: Each coin comes with a certificate of authenticity with my signature to ensure you
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_03: have purchased a real Trump coin.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_03: I've seen a lot of coins out there using my very beautiful face.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a very beautiful guy.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_03: I'm only kidding.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_03: but they are not the official coin?
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, no one has ever been less kidding than he was when he said that.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_03: The coin is the only officially licensed Donald J. Trump silver medallion on the market.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: I like that it's made of silver.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_03: It's the perfect gift to send him when he comes in second in November.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_03: By popular demand, I'm doing a new series of Trump digital trading cards.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_03: These cards show me dancing and even beholding some Bitcoins.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_03: The launch of World Liberty Financial.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_03: We're embracing the future with crypto.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_03: I'm proud to endorse and encourage you to get this Bible.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_03: Hello to my fellow patriots.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: We have some very big news.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_03: My new book, Save America, published by Winning Team Publishing.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_03: We're going to remember SneakerCon.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_03: That's the real deal.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_03: Each physical trading card has an authentic piece of my suit that I wore for the presidential debate.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_03: So they just came out with this T-shirt,
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_03: which is really pretty spectacular,
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_03: and it's selling like hotcakes.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so Trump is selling a lot of stuff.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_03: And keep in mind, this is all in the middle of a campaign season.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_03: Is it me, or does it seem like maybe his true passion is this?
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_03: Like, health care, he only has a concept of a plan.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_03: Bible hawking, he has a whole warehouse ready to go.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_03: Uh,
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_03: honey,
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_03: I know I bought a Trump coin at a 210% loss,
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_03: but you can use the Trump coin to buy Truth Social stock,
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_03: and once that,
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_03: you know,
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: eventually bounces back,
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_03: we'll invest the profit in an NFT trading card of his gold sneakers,
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_03: which is pegged to the price of the little pieces of his suit we got from when he
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_03: got arrested,
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_03: then converted to Trump crypto,
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_03: which we'll use to buy Melania's book,
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: which,
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: get this,
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_03: is worth one Trump silver coin.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_03: What's that suitcase for?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you going?
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Bye-bye.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_03: We are in the final stretch of the election when the candidates are supposed to be
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_03: making their final push to run this country,
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_03: and this nut's having a yard sale.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_03: I won that debate by a lot.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_03: By a lot.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I walked off the stage, I said, man, did I beat her, even though I was against three people.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_03: He's still going.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: He's still trying to convince himself he won that debate.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_03: So emphatically, in fact, he's refusing to get beat up again.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_03: They would like to do another debate.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_03: She's done one debate.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_03: I've done two.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_03: It's too late to do another.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_03: I'd love to in many ways, but it's too late.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_03: The voting is cast.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_03: No, it isn't.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_03: The voting is not cast.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_03: There's plenty of time to debate.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_03: In 2020, his last debate of the election was October 22nd.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_03: This debate would be October 23rd.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_03: But it's too late.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_03: I can't debate.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_03: I have coins to sell to people.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_03: Kamala Harris tweeted she would gladly accept another debate,
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_03: for the same reason the Cookie Monster would gladly accept a DoorDash from Famous Amos.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_03: But Trump is on to bigger things now.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_03: Donnie Appleseed was in Wilmington,
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_03: North Carolina,
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_03: on Saturday,
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_03: where he continued to workshop some new supermarket material.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_03: People can't afford the groceries.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_03: I told the story the other day.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_03: A woman, sort of elderly woman, who was sad, goes up to the counter, register,
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_03: puts three apples on,
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_03: and then realizes she can't afford it,
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_03: and she took one apple,
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: brought it back into the refrigeration.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_03: Not only is that not true, he thinks they refrigerate apples at the supermarket.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, they're right there next to the Monster Energy drink.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_03: What do you think was the last time Donald Trump had an apple?
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_03: I try and eat properly.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_03: I try, I do the best, and I try and get some.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_03: I do, but proper hamburgers.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_03: Proper hamburgers.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_03: Prescription hamburgers.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_03: Nutritionist is the grimace, and he gives them the best, most proper hamburgers.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_03: Proper hamburgers.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_03: Not renegade.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_03: Not renegade hamburgers.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_03: Not outlaw hamburgers.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_03: I only eat the most proper hamburgers.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_03: These are hamburgers wearing a necktie, a little top hat, and a sash that says Mayor McCheese.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_03: That's the only...
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_03: how he screams when I bite him.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_03: Trump's very focused on hamburgers,
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_03: so much so he still can't believe that Kamala Harris worked at McDonald's.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_03: She never worked at McDonald's.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_03: It was a fake story.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_03: It was a fake story.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_03: She said she worked at McDonald's and she didn't.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_03: It was a lie.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_03: She never worked at McDonald's over the hot French fries.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: I think I'm going to a McDonald's in two weeks, actually.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_03: Did Trump just talk himself into getting hungry?
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_03: She never worked over the piping hot fries.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_03: So crispy and salty.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_03: Each bite a perfect.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_03: We should go to McDonald's.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_03: Let's go to McDonald's.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_03: So Trump's new conspiracy theory is that Kamala Harris never worked at McDonald's
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_03: when she was young,
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_03: which to him is basically stolen valor.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: How dare you disrespect our men and women in uniform?
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_03: Those people served with honor and with extra ketchup packets, if you ask.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_03: And yes, it is ridiculous that Trump is asking to see Kamala's burger certificate.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_03: This isn't the kind of thing you would lie about.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_03: It's not like sex with a porn star while your wife is pregnant.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_03: She never worked there was a lie.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_03: He really should just be running for Mayor McCheese, you know?
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_03: It's so dumb.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's so petty.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_03: But so is he, I guess.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_03: And for whatever reason,
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_03: maybe they don't have anything real to criticize his sycophant friends at Fox News.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_03: Just they eat this stuff up.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_03: Joey from Oak Hills, California.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_03: Hopefully, Mr. Trump will work the French fryer.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_03: Then at least one of the candidates will have worked at McDonald's.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_03: It's such a great move because Trump's, like, at his best when he's at a fast food restaurant.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, yeah.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_03: I never thought I'd say this, but the guy in the lipstick is right.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_03: He is.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_03: At his best in a fast food restaurant.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_03: But look, here's the thing.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_03: Trump and Kamala weren't supposed to be doing this stuff today.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_03: Originally, there was another debate scheduled for tonight.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_03: And now it's looking more and more likely that the first Trump-Harris debate was also the last.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_03: Because while Kamala keeps saying she's down for a rematch, Trump wants no part of it.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_03: The problem with another debate is that it's just too late.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_03: Voting has already started.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_03: It's too late to do another.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_03: I'd love to in many ways, but it's too late.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_03: The voting is cast.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_03: It's too late.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_03: I'd love to have my ass handed to me for another two hours, but there's just no time.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_03: There's no time.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_03: There's no time.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_03: I can't.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I can't blame the guy.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_03: People don't typically volunteer for a second beat down.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_03: But the biggest news out of Trump's mouth today was an admission.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_03: You know how he keeps saying he won the election?
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if he had a mental lapse or if he just forgot to keep lying,
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_03: but today,
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_03: yesterday,
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_03: he said he lost.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_03: We did much better, by the way,
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_03: in the election of 2020 than we did in 2016.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_03: Just remember that.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_03: Millions and millions of votes more.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_03: More votes than any sitting president in the history of our country.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_03: But they beat us by a whisker.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_03: They beat us just by a little whisker.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_03: He beat us from the basement.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, good.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_03: Was that so hard?
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, he's finally at the acceptance stage of grief.