Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 230. How to Stay Emotionally Steady During Conflict with Your Adult Child

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230. How to Stay Emotionally Steady During Conflict with Your Adult Child · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Christian parenting.
• 0:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey mama, I'm Pamela Hinkelman, certified emptiness coach and your listening to the mid-life mama podcast.
• 0:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: This show is for Christian moms navigating the emptiness, learning how to let go with grace.
• 0:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: set healthy boundaries, reconnected marriage, and step confidently into their God-given purpose.
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Each week, I'll coach you through this season with faith-filled encouragement on his conversations and practical tools that you can apply right away to your relationships and your life.
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: If this episode encourages you, I'd be grateful if you leave a quick rating and review.
• 0:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: It helps other moms find the support they need.
• 0:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: You'll find the link in the show notes and make sure you're following the podcast.
• 0:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your adult child and thought, I wish I would have handled that differently?
• 0:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: When emotions are high, it's easy to react out of fear, hurt, or frustration.
• 1:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: But what if the greatest gift you could offer your grown child wasn't the perfect word?
• 1:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: but your own emotional steadiness.
• 1:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Today we're talking about six practical ways to calm your own heart during seasons of conflict tension or distance with your adult child.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: We'll explore how to name your emotions, listen to your body, receive God's compassion, and show up as the kind of mom who creates safety instead of more stress.
• 1:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: So grab your coffee, settle in, and let's talk about what it looks like to become an emotional steady mom.
• 1:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: No mom dreams of being in conflict with her child.
• 1:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: We imagine relationships, that stay close as our kids grow up.
• 1:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: We picture easy conversations, family gatherings, and a bond that deepens over time.
• 1:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: When tension, distance, or misunderstanding enters the relationship, it can leave us heart broken.
• 1:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It can also stir up fear and make us desperate to fix what feels broken.
• 1:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when emotions take over, we don't always show up as our best selves.
• 2:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: We explain ourselves over again and again because we want our child to see our heart.
• 2:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: We become defensive because of their word sting.
• 2:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we cry because the grief feels too heavy to carry.
• 2:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes we send one more text, hoping it'll make everything better.
• 2:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've been there, and maybe you have too.
• 2:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: The problem is that emotional reactivity rarely brings healing.
• 2:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: It often adds more pressure to an already-strained relationship.
• 2:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Our adult children don't need us to manage their feelings or convince them were right.
• 2:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: They need a mom who has learned to manage her own emotions.
• 2:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: before bringing them into the conversation.
• 2:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: An emotional steady mom creates safety.
• 2:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, steadiness doesn't mean pretending you're fine.
• 2:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't mean ignoring your hurt or stuffing your emotions.
• 2:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: It means acknowledging what you're feeling, taking those feelings to God and allowing him to calm your heart before you respond.
• 3:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: When a mom becomes emotionally steady, she becomes a safe place for her grown children.
• 3:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Her calm presence lowers the temperature in the room.
• 3:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: It gives her child space to sort through their emotions without carrying hers, too.
• 3:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: That kind of steadiness isn't something you're born with.
• 3:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's something you practice and it is not easy to do.
• 3:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: We practice practice practice.
• 3:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're navigating conflict, tension, or distance with your adult child, here are six ways to study your heart so you can respond with wisdom instead of reacting from fear.
• 3:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: That number one is to name what you feel.
• 3:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's natural to jump into fix it mode when you feel tension with your adult child.
• 3:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: You want to smooth things over, explain yourself or find the perfect words to make everything okay again.
• 3:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: But the first thing that needs your attention isn't your relationship.
• 3:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's your ability to name what you're feeling.
• 4:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of ignoring your emotions, name them, call them what they are.
• 4:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Take a moment of honest introspection and ask yourself, what am I feeling right now?
• 4:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is it sadness, regret, fear, embarrassment, anger, loneliness, disappointment?
• 4:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: In her book, Emotional Confidence, Alicia Michelle writes, ignorance may be bliss as the saying goes, but emotional restoration begins with a straightforward assessment of what is.
• 4:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we acknowledge, we admit that the emotion we are feeling is real.
• 4:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Lama, your emotions aren't something to avoid.
• 4:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's something to pay attention to.
• 4:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you name them, you honor what they're trying to tell you.
• 4:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: They stop feeling so overwhelming because you've brought them into the light.
• 4:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And instead of spilling onto your adult child in the middle of a difficult conversation, you can process them privately with God or with a trusted friend or your husband.
• 4:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: the more aware you become of your own emotions, the more emotionally steady you'll be when you interact with your grown child.
• 5:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I know that's what you want.
• 5:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Step number two, to become emotionally steady, is to listen to your body.
• 5:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your emotions just don't affect your mind.
• 5:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: They often show up in your body first.
• 5:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you felt this.
• 5:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your chest feels tight before you even realize your anxious.
• 5:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your shoulders creep towards your ears.
• 5:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your jaw clenches, your stomach knots up.
• 5:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: A headache appears out of nowhere after a difficult phone call with your son or daughter.
• 5:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: your body is constantly giving you information.
• 5:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: The question is whether you're paying attention.
• 5:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: For years, many moms have ignored their own needs while caring for everyone else.
• 5:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: They push through exhaustion, dismissed, dressed, and stuffed down hard emotions so they could keep showing up for their families.
• 5:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: But eventually the body starts waving a flag that says, hello, something needs your attention.
• 5:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: So instead of pushing past those signals, pause and get curious.
• 6:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Ask yourself what am I feeling?
• 6:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is my body trying to tell me?
• 6:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: The good news is that emotions don't have to stay stuck in your body.
• 6:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: God designed our bodies to move and movement can help release the stress we're carrying.
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: A short walk around the block, a few stretches, a workout, or even taking slow, intentional breaths can help regulate your nervous system and call
• 6:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you take time to process your emotions before talking with your adult child, you're far less likely to let them spill over into the conversation.
• 6:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're no longer reacting from a place of panic or hurt.
• 6:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're responding from a place of steadiness.
• 6:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: That simple shift can change the entire tone of the relationship.
• 6:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Up number three for emotional study in us is practice self-compassion.
• 6:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever talked yourself out of what you're feeling?
• 6:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe your inner critic tells you you're overreacting.
• 7:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not that bad, get over it, move on.
• 7:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, many of us have become experts at offering compassion to everyone else while withholding it from ourselves.
• 7:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you acknowledge your emotion, the next step is to meet yourself with kindness.
• 7:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: That because you want to stay stuck in your feelings, but because healing begins when you stop fighting against your own experience.
• 7:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Think about how Jesus interacted with hurting people.
• 7:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: He didn't shame them.
• 7:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: He didn't tell them to hurry up or toughen up.
• 7:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: He drew near.
• 7:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: He listened.
• 7:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: He saw their pain and he responded with compassion.
• 7:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's the posture he takes with you.
• 7:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can you also pitch your Jesus sitting beside you in the middle of your heartache?
• 7:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can you imagine him looking at you with tenderness instead of disappointment?
• 7:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: He isn't rolling his eyes at your grief.
• 7:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: He isn't asking you to pull yourself together.
• 7:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's inviting you to bring your whole heart to him.
• 8:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when you receive compassion from Christ, it becomes easier to extend that same compassion to yourself.
• 8:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can say, this is hard.
• 8:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm hurting right now.
• 8:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Lord, meet me here.
• 8:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Self-compassion isn't pity, it's giving yourself the same grace God freely offers you.
• 8:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: It creates room for your emotions to settle instead of intensify.
• 8:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And as your heart becomes steady, you're able to show up with your adult child from a place of peace instead of pain.
• 8:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that changes everything.
• 8:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey mama, if your house feels too quiet and your heart feels too heavy after launching your child, I've created a guide just for you.
• 8:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's called journaling through transitional grief.
• 8:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: A gentle, faith-filled resource to help you process the deep of motions of letting go.
• 8:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Inside you'll find six reflection questions that will help you name your feelings.
• 8:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: invite God into the grief and experience his comfort in the middle of change.
• 9:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, transitional grief is only a season and God is leading you toward peace, purpose, and joy.
• 9:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can grab your free copy at the link in the show notes.
• 9:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get back to our conversation.
• 9:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number four is to be aware of God's presence.
• 9:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you're emotionally stirred up, it's easy to get swept away by the pain you're experiencing.
• 9:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your thoughts race, your heart pounds, and before long, you're replaying conversations or imagining worst-case scenarios.
• 9:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: We've all been there, right?
• 9:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: But one of the quickest ways to steady yourself is to remember that God is with you.
• 9:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: His presence changes everything.
• 9:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to navigate conflict with your dull child alone.
• 9:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to carry the weight of the relationship on your shoulders.
• 9:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: The God who created your child loves them even more than you do and he's fully aware of what's happening.
• 9:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: The Holy Spirit lives within every believer and you don't have to beg him to come near because he already is.
• 10:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is pause.
• 10:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's simple reminder, shifts your perspective.
• 10:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your circumstances may not change, but your heart begins to settle because you're no longer caring the burden by yourself.
• 10:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: You remember that God is your refuge when life feels shaky.
• 10:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's your strength when your own strength runs out.
• 10:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's working behind the scenes even when you can't see it.
• 10:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Psalm 73.
• 10:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: 26.
• 10:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: My health may fail in my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength in my heart.
• 10:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: He is mine forever.
• 10:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you anchors yourself in God's presence, your emotions no longer have to dictate your next move.
• 10:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: His nearness becomes the steady place your heart can rest.
• 11:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Step number five is to, this one's really important when you're in the midst of emotional unsteadiness.
• 11:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
• 11:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: When emotions are running high, most of us enter a conversation with one goal in mind.
• 11:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I need them to understand me.
• 11:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: We rehearse our explanations, we gather evidence to prove our point.
• 11:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: We think if they could just see my heart, this conflict would disappear.
• 11:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: But healing rarely begins there.
• 11:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Healing begins when someone is willing to listen.
• 11:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: One of the greatest gifts you can give your adult child is the experience of feeling understood.
• 11:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: That means approaching the conversation with curiosity instead of defensiveness, it means asking questions and being willing to hear the answers.
• 11:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: This doesn't require you to agree with everything your child says.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't mean their perspective is the complete story.
• 11:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: It simply means you're making room for their experience.
• 12:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that can be hard.
• 12:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: You may hear criticism that stains.
• 12:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: You may hear memories that don't match your own.
• 12:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: You may feel misunderstood or unfairly judged.
• 12:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And in those moments, I need you to resist the urge to interrupt or explain yourself.
• 12:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Stay present, keep listening.
• 12:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your adult child is far more likely to open their heart when they sense you're trying to understand rather than trying to win.
• 12:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Many grown children long for one simple message from their mom.
• 12:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hear you.
• 12:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your experience matters to me.
• 12:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when they feel seen and heard, trust begins to grow, walls often start to come down, and connection becomes possible again.
• 12:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: James 119 offers wise counsel for every parent.
• 12:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters.
• 12:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
• 12:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: The next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation with your adult child, challenge yourself to listen more than you speak.
• 13:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can always explain your perspective later.
• 13:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Understanding first is one of the clearest ways to communicate love.
• 13:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Number six, for the ways to achieve emotional steadiness is to offer empathy to your child.
• 13:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you're in adult child, share something painful, your first instinct may be to explain yourself.
• 13:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: You want them to know your intentions.
• 13:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: You want to correct the facts.
• 13:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: You want them to understand your side of the story, but explanations often offer too soon, often sound like
• 13:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Empathy sounds different.
• 13:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Empathy lays down the need to be understood for a moment and steps into the other person's experience.
• 13:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't rush to solve the problem or debate the details.
• 13:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: It simply says, I see your pain and I'm willing to sit with you in it.
• 14:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes the most healing words a mom can say are that must have been really hard for you or thank you for trusting me enough to share that with me.
• 14:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those simple statements communicate safety.
• 14:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: If your child's hurt involves you,
• 14:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: empathy can feel especially difficult.
• 14:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Every part of you may want to defend your intentions or point out where they miss understood and yet your child is an asking you to relive every event exactly as it happened.
• 14:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're inviting you to understand how they experienced it.
• 14:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's a sacred opportunity.
• 14:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: By choosing empathy first, you're telling your child, you're feeling's matter to me.
• 14:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm willing to listen before I speak.
• 14:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now this kind of response is challenging.
• 14:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: It requires maturity, it requires humility, it requires confidence that your identity isn't threatened by hearing hard things.
• 15:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your security comes from Christ, not from proving you were a perfect mom.
• 15:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Jesus modeled this kind of compassion throughout his ministry, and he entered people's suffering before offering direction.
• 15:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: He drew near before he corrected, and as moms, we have the opportunity to do the same.
• 15:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Empathy won't erase every conflict, but it often softens hearts.
• 15:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: It lowers defenses.
• 15:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: It opens doors to conversations that once seemed impossible, and in many cases, it becomes the first step toward rebuilding,
• 15:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mama, I know it isn't easy to stay emotionally steady when there's tension with your adult child.
• 15:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Every part of you wants the relationship to be restored, and when that doesn't happen as quickly as you'd hope, it's easy to be swept away by fear, grief, or frustration, but your emotional steadiness matters more than you know.
• 15:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you learn to regulate your own emotions, you create a safe place for your child to bring theirs.
• 16:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your calm presence communicates that hard conversations don't have to become destructive.
• 16:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your willingness to listen without reacting gives your child permission to lower their guard.
• 16:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: You become the mirror.
• 16:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: As your child looks into your face, they see someone who isn't controlled by panic or anger.
• 16:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: They see a mom who was grounded in Christ in secure enough to stay present, even when the conversation is painful.
• 16:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: That kind of steadiness can change the trajectory of a relationship.
• 16:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: So before you try to calm your adult child, let God calm you.
• 16:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Before you seek to repair the relationship, let him minister to your own heart.
• 16:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: As a steady's you, you'll become a kind of mom who reflects his piece into every conversation, and that's a beautiful place for healing to begin.
• 16:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mom, you don't have to be the perfect mom to have a healthy relationship with your adult child.
• 16:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: You simply need to be willing to let God work in your own heart first.
• 17:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's your coaching tip on the week.
• 17:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: In each episode, I will give you one actionable step to improve your life.
• 17:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
• 17:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: This week, I want you to think about this statement.
• 17:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: In order to seek to understand my child, I'm willing to do blank differently.
• 17:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to sit with that prompt and ask God to reveal what he needs to show you about your emotional steadiness.
• 17:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: As you learn to name your emotions, extend yourself compassion, lean into God's presence and lead with empathy, you'll become a steadier presence in your family's life.
• 17:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't guarantee your child will respond the way you hope, but it doesn't allow you to show up in a way that reflects the heart of Christ.
• 17:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Grace and Peace Mama, you've got this, and God's got you.
• 17:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama Podcast.
• 17:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: My hope is that you leave each episode feeling encouraged, grounded, and clearer.
• 18:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Clearer about what you're feeling, what God may be stirring in you, and how to move forward in the season of the empty nest.
• 18:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Through these conversations, I'm not just sharing stories, I'm coaching you.
• 18:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Helping you name what's happening beneath the service, challenging the thoughts that keep you stuck and take intentional steps toward peace and confidence as a midlife mom.
• 18:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're ready to go deeper and want personalized coaching support, I invite you to apply for coaching.
• 18:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Coaching is a focused one-on-one space where we work together to gain clarity
• 18:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Process emotions and discern what God is calling you to in this next chapter.
• 18:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: You'll find the application linked in the show notes and let's stay connected.
• 18:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can find me on Instagram at P-Hinkleman that's P-H-E-N-K-E-L-M-A-N or on Facebook at Pamela Hinkleman M-T-Nest Coach.
• 18:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to figure out the season alone mama.
• 19:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Support and direction are possible and I'm here when you're ready.