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When Friends Become Rivals - Competition Sneaks In · All About Friendships

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: US Studios. So you know that moment when you and
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: your best friend are going for the same promotion at
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: work and suddenly every conversation feels like a chess game.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: Oh man, that is so specific. You are not talking
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: hypothetically right now, are you.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: I am saying that real friendship has a breaking point,
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: and sometimes that breaking point is competition. When two people
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: who used to celebrate each other's wins suddenly find themselves
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: keeping score, something shifts, and dude, I have been on
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: both sides of that. I have been the one who
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: got jealous and I have been the one who success
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: made a friend disappear.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: That is such a loaded way to start an episode,
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: but honestly, you are right. Competition between friends is one
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: of those things nobody warns you about. They tell you
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: about toxic relationships, they tell you about breakups, but nobody
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: sits you down and says, hey, by the way, the
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: person closest to you might start hating your guts if
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: you start winning.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: And it does not even have to be something big.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: It could be a new car, a relationship, a weight
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: loss transformation, even just getting a compliment from someone your
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: friend wanted, a compliment from the NB creeps in so quietly.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: It really does, and the worst part is by the
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: time you notice it, the damage is already done. Domy's
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: sitting across from someone who used to be your person
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: and now everything feels fake.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: That is the part that messes you up, the fakeness,
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: because you remember what the friendship used to feel like.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: You remember the late night talks, the inside jokes, the
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: way you could finish each other's sentences, and now there
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: is this wall between you that neither of you built
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: on purpose, but it is there.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: And nobody wants to be the first one to acknowledge
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: it because that means admitting that the friendship has changed,
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: and admitting that feels like failure.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Welcome to all about friendships. I am Paul and I
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: am Epsel, and today we are diving into a topic
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: that hits close to home for a lot of you.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: When friends become rivals, competition sneaks in, and what used
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: to feel effortless suddenly becomes a battlefield. We are going
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: to talk about the moment you realize the dynamic has shifted,
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: the psychology behind why competition destroys friendships, and what you
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: can actually do about it, Because this is not one
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: of those topics where we just complain and move on.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: We are going to get real about solutions.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: Too, absolutely, and we want to hear from you.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: If you have been through this, drop us a comment
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: or a message, because this topic deserves a conversation, not
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: just a monologue. Cormostat thaying, all right, man, what has
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: been going on with you? It has been a minute
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: since we recorded.
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: Honestly, things have been pretty solid.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: I have been in that weird phase where you are
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: productive but also kind of exhausted, you know, like I
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: am getting stuff done, but my brain feels like it
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: ran a marathon.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: That is the hustle paradox. Bro, You are winning, but
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: you are also dying.
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: Exactly.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: But I did something interesting last weekend.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: I went to this networking event for content creators, and
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: it was supposed to be all chill and collaborative, right,
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: but the energy in that room was something else. Let
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: me guess everybody was smiling to your face but sizing
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: you up behind your back.
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: Dude, spot on.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: There was this one guy who came up to me
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: super friendly, asking about my setup, my audience, my numbers,
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: and then later I overheard him telling someone that my
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: content was mid like to my face he was my
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: biggest fan, and five minutes later I am mid.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: That is the creator economy in a nutshell. Everyone is
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: performing friendship while actually running a competition. It is exhausting.
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: You know what else.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: Bugs me about these networking events. Everyone walks around with
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: these rehearsed elevator pitches about themselves like they are not
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: even listening to you. They are just waiting for their
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: turn to talk. And then later they at you on
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: LinkedIn with this generic connection request like great meeting, you
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: let us stay in touch, but they do not actually
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: want to stay in touch. They want a.
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: Number on their profile.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: The LinkedIn follow back economy. It is the fakesist form
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: of friendship. I have ever seen You add someone you
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: like each other's post for a couple of weeks and
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: then you forget they exist, and the whole time you
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: both think you are networking, but really you are just
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: collecting names. And the worst part is some of those
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: people end up being your actual competitors down the line.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: Like you help someone, you refer them to a client,
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: you give them advice, and then they use all of
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: that to go after the same opportunities you are going after.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: That happened to me last year. I connected with this
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: guy at a meetup, shared some of my client contacts
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: with him because I thought we were building something together,
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: and three months later I found out he had been
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: pitching the same services to my clients at a lower rate.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: Like dude, I gave you the keys to the kingdom
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: and you burned it down. That is the dark side
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: of generosity. In a competitive space, you want to be
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: open and helpful, but every piece of information you share
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: becomes a weapon someone else can use against you, and
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: it makes you paranoid. You start hoarding information, hiding your contacts,
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: being secretive about your methods, and that is not who
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: you want to be. But the alternative is getting burned again.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: The balance is knowing who to trust and who to
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: keep at arm's length, and that takes time. You cannot
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: figure that out from one networking event or one conversation.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: You need repeated interactions, consistency, and proof that someone is
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: who they say they are. Trust is earned in drops
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: and spent in buckets. That is something my dad used
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: to say, and it is so true in friendships and
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: in business.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Your dad sounds like a wise man.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: He also told me that a friend in need is
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: a friend indeed, but a friend in competition is a
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: friend you should watch carefully, not because they are bad,
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: but because human nature is unpredictable.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: That is practical wisdom right there. What about you? How
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: has life been treating you?
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: Actually, before we move on, I want to ask you
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: about something. How do you handle the social media aspect
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: of all this?
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: Because I feel like that is.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: Where a lot of the comparison starts.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: Man. Social media is a minefield for friendships because you
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: are constantly seeing your friend's curated best moments, the vacation photos,
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: the job announcements, the engagement posts, the new house. Every
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: single win is broadcast to the world, and you are
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: standing there refreshing your feed, feeling like your life is
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: falling behind.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: And here's what really gets me. Nobody posts their faerrires.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: Nobody posts the rejection emails, the breakups, the bank account overdrafts.
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: So when you compare your behind the scenes to their
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: highlight reel, you are setting yourself up for misery.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: Right And this comparison thing does not just affect the
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: person who is losing. It affects the winner too, because
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: when you know that your success is making your friend
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: feel bad, you start hiding it, you stop sharing your wins,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: you dim your light so your friend does not feel uncomfortable,
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: And that is its own form of damage, because now
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: you are censoring your life to protect someone else's ego,
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: and eventually you start resenting them for making you feel
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: like you cannot be yourself. So their rivalry is not
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: just one directional. It is this feedback loop where both
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: people are losing. The one who is ahead feels guilty
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: and the one who is behind feels inadequate, and neither
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: of them says anything about it because it is too uncomfortable.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: That is exactly it. The silence is what kills the
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: friendship because if you had a conversation about it, you
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: could potentially work through it, but most people would rather
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: let the friendship die slowly than have one awkward conversation
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: about jealousy. I had a similar experience. My buddy and
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: I applied for the same freelance gig, same client, same project,
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: same budget, and he hit me up and said, hey,
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: we should collab on this. Split the work, split the pay,
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: and I was like, yeah, for sure, But then I
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: started noticing that he was subtly trying to talk me
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  Speaker 1: out of applying, like, Bro, you are already busy. You
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: do not need the extra work. The client is kind
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: of difficult. I heard they are cheap.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: He was trying to protect the bag while pretending to
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: be a good friend.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: One hundred percent, and I called him out. I said, dude,
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: if you want to compete for this, just say that,
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: but do not dress it up like you are doing
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: me a favor. And he got all defensive and said
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: I was being paranoid.
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: Were you being paranoid?
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Maybe a little, But I also knew that if the
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: roles were reversed, I would have been upfront with him.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: I would have said, look, I am going to go
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: for this and made the best person win no games.
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: And that right there is the difference.
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  Speaker 1: Some people handle competition honestly and others handle it through manipulation.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: And the tricky part is sometimes the manipulation is so
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: subtle that you question yourself before you question them. That
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: is what makes it so dangerous. The doubt eats you alive.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: You start second guessing every interaction was that genuine or
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: was there an agenda behind it? And once that seat
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: of doubt is planted, it is really hard to uproot.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: I had a similar experience a couple of years ago.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: My roommate and I were both trying to get into
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: this grad program, same school, same department, and we were
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: supposed to be supporting each other through the application process,
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: study sessions, say reviews, the whole thing. But I noticed
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: that whenever I shared my progress, he would go quiet,
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: like I would tell him I finished my personal statement and.
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: He would just nod and change the subject.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: That silence says everything. And then I found out he
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: had been meeting with our shared advisor without telling me,
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: getting extra guidance, extra feedback. And when I asked him
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: about it, he said he did not want to bother
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: me with it, But the truth was he did not
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: want me to have the same.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: Advantage he had.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: That is sabotage disguise, that's consideration, and it happens more
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: often than people think.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: The worst part is we were friends for six years
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: before that, six years of genuine connection, genuine friendship, and
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: it all fell apart because of one application cycle.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Do you still talk to him? No?
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: And that is what hurts the most because I do
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: not hate him. I understand why he did what he did,
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: but the trust is gone, and once trust is gone
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: in a friendship, it is almost impossible to rebuild.
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: Main topic when friends become ribals.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Okay, so let us get into the meat of this.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: When we talk about friends becoming rivals, what are we
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: actually talking about? Because it is not all always dramatic.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: It is not always a blow up, fight or a betrayal.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it is just a slow fade, a gradual distancing
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: that neither of you planned, but both of you feel.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: I would say the first stage is awareness. You become
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: aware of a gap between you and your friend. Maybe
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: they get a promotion and you do not. Maybe they
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: start dating someone and you are still single. Maybe they
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: hit a milestone in their fitness journey and you are
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: still struggling with consistency, And in that moment you feel
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: two things simultaneously. You feel happy for them and you
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: feel terrible about yourself.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: That dual feeling is the gateway drump to rivalry, because
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: if you only felt happy for them, there would be
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: no problem. If you only felt bad about yourself, that
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: would be a personal issue. But when those two feelings collide,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: that is where the poison starts mixing.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: And the natural human response is to protect your ego.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: So you start doing things to reduce their success or
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: inflate your own. You downplay their achievement. Oh, they got lucky,
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: the timing was right, they knew someone, And suddenly you
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: are not celebrating your friend anymore. You are negotiating with reality.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: I have seen this happen so many times.
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: Man.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: I had a friend in college who was naturally gifted
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: at everything sports, academics, social life, and I was the
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: one who worked twice as hard for half the result.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: And for a long time I genuinely was happy for him.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: But then there was this one moment we were both
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: going for a scholarship and he got it, and I
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: remember congratulating him and then going home and crying, not
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: because I was sad for myself, but because I realized
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: that my happiness for him had a ceiling. That is
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: a brutally honest thing to admit, and I respect it.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Most people would never say that out loud. They would
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: rather pretend they're fine and let the resentment build silently.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: And that is the thing. The resentment does not go
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: away just because you ignore it. It grows. It becomes
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: this thing in the background of every interaction. Every time
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: they mentioned their success, your stomach drops every time they
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: share good news. You have to perform happiness instead of
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: feeling it, and eventually that performance becomes exhausting.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: Let me add something to this, because I think there's
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: a second layer that people do not talk about enough.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: It is not just about what they achieve. It is
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: about what their achievement says about you. When your friend succeeds,
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: it's something you have been trying to do. It is
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: not just envy of their outcome. It is a referendum
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: on your effort. It is like they did what I.
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: Could not do. What does that mean about me?
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: That is the comparison trap, and social media has made
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: it so much worse because back in the day, you
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: would only know about your friend's wins if they told
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: you directly. Now you see it a real time. You
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: see the vacation photos, the job announcements, the engagement posts,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: the new house. Every single win is broadcast to the world,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: and you are standing there refreshing your feed, feeling like
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: your life has fallen behind. And I think part of
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: the reason people avoid that conversation is because of what
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: it reveals. If I tell you that I am jealous
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: of your success, I am admitting that I am not
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: as happy for you as I should be, and that
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: admission feels like a betrayal of the friendship itself.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: It feels like you were saying I am not the
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: friend you thought I was, and nobody wants to be
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: that person.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: But the truth is, being that person is more honest
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: than pretending everything is fine. While slowly withdrawing from the friendship,
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: at least the conversation gives the other person a chance
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: to respond. Okay, so let me bring up a specific
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: scenario that I think a lot of people can relate to.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: The friend who gets famous, or not even famous, but
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: successful enough that their life starts looking very different from yours.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: Oh that is a huge one, because it is not
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: just about the success itself. It is about the lifestyle
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: change that comes with it. Suddenly they are traveling, they
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: are networking with people you have never met. They are
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: wearing better clothes, driving a nicer car, and every time
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: you hang out you feel like you are visiting a
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: different world.
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: And the dynamic shifts.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: Because before you were equals, you split the check, you
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: share the same apartments, you complain about the same problems.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: Now they are picking up the tab and it feels generous,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: but it also feels like they are establishing a hierarchy.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: I had a friend who blew up on social media
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: a couple of years ago, went from a few hundred
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: followers to half a million in like six months. And
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: at first he was the same dude, same jokes, same energy.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: But then the brand deal started coming in and the
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: free trips and the celebrity dinners, and suddenly our hangouts
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: started feeling like press junkets. He would show up, check
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: his phone every two minutes and then leave early because
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: he had a call with the brand, and you could
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: not even be mad about it, because he was living
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: his dream. But at the same time, you felt like
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: you were losing your friend to this machine. The machade
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: is real, and it does not care about your friendship.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: It cares about engagement, impressions, revenue, and if your friend
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: is caught up in that machine, they might not even
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: realize they are changing.
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: Do you think he realized it.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: Eventually? Yeah. He called me one night drunk and said, Dude,
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: I do not know who I am anymore. All these
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: people a around me wants something from me, and you
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: are the only person who just wants to hang out
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: and I said, then, why do you keep choosing them
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: over me?
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: What did he say?
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: He said, because they make me feel like I matter.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: And that broke my heart because I had been telling
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: him he mattered for years, but it took strangers on
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: the Internet saying it for him to believe it.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: That is the external validation trap, and it is so
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: common among people who achieve sudden success. They start measuring
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: their worth by numbers instead of connections, and.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: The friends who were there before the numbers get left behind,
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: not because they are less valuable, but because the friendship
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: cannot compete with the dopamine hit of ten thousand likes.
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: Let me ask you something.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: Have you ever had a friend where you had to
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: deliberately not succeed at something to keep the friendship intact.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: I have, and I hate admitting that, but there was
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: a time when I purposely played down my achievements around
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: a specific friend because I knew he was struggling. And
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: at first it felt like I was being a good friend,
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: I was being considerate, I was being sensitive. But over
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: time time it started feeling like I was shrinking myself
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: to fit into his comfort zone.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: And that is not friendship. That is a hostage situation.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: That is a strong way to put it.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: But you are not wrong, because real friendship should not
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: require you to be less than who you are. And
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: if your presence makes someone feel small and their smallness
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: makes you feel guilty, then the foundation of the friendship
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: is already cracked. Okay, So here is the thing I
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: want to talk about next, the actual moment when the
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: friendship crosses from healthy competition to toxic rivalry. Because I
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: believe there is a specific tipping point. It is not gradual.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: There is a moment where something shifts and you can feel.
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: It, describe it.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: It is the moment when you stop wanting your friend
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: to win, not in a general sense, in a specific
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: tangible moment like they tell you about something good that
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: happened to them and instead of feeling happy, your first
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: internal reaction is why not me? And you catch yourself
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: having that thought and you know right then that something
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: has changed.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: And the reason that moment is so significant is because
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: it reveals the truth about yourself that you have been
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: hiding from. You realize that your friendship was conditional on
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: being equal, or maybe even on being slightly ahead, and
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: once that condition is broken, the friendship loses its foundation.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: That is so real because a lot of friendships are
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: not built on genuine love, They are built on mutue comfort.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: I am comfortable being your friend because we are in
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: the same boat, we are both struggling, we are both
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: at the same level. But the moment one person pulls ahead,
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: that comfort evaporates, which brings up an interesting question.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: Is it even possible to be true friends with someone
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: who is at a completely different level of success than you, like?
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Can a billionaire and a middle class person be genuine friends?
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: I would say yes, but only if both people have
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: done the internal work to separate their self worth from
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: their external achievements. If your identity is tied to your
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: bank account, your job title, or your social status, then
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: you cannot be friends with someone who has more of
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: those things without feeling threatened.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: That is the core issue. It is not about the friendship.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: It is about the individual's relationship with their own worth,
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: and most people have not done that work.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: And that is why therapy matters, not just for people
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: in crisis, but for anyone who wants to have healthy relationships,
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: because until you understand your own patterns, you are going
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: to project them onto every friendship You have.
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: Therapy taught me that my jealousy was never really about
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: the other person. It was about the story I was
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: telling myself about what their success meant about me. And
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: once I understood that, I could catch the jealousy before
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: it turned into resentment.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: You know what, I think The real problem is most
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: people do not even realize they are in competition mode.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: They just feel this vague sense of irritation around their friend,
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: and they blame it on the friend, like something about
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: that person annoys me. But the annoyance is not about them.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: It is about the story you are telling yourself about
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: what they represent.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: That is so true.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: I had a friend in high school who could not
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: stand another friend of ours, and she would always say,
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: he is so annoying, he is so full of himself.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: But the reality was she was jealous of how easily
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: he made friends. He was naturally charming and she had
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: to work hard at it, and instead of admitting that,
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: she turned him into the villain. The villain narrative is
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: a defense mechanism.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: If I make you the bad guy, then I do
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: not have to deal with my own feelings. It is
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: easier to blame someone else than to look in the mirror,
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: and that is why self awareness is the foundation of
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: healthy friendships. If you do not understand your own triggers,
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: your own insecurities, your own patterns, you are going to
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: project them onto every relationship you have. That is why
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: therapy is not a luxury. It is a necessity because
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: without someone helping you see your blind spots, you are
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: going to keep bumping into the same walls and blaming
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: other people for the bruises. And it does not have
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: to be traditional therapy. It can be journaling, it can
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: be meditation, it can be honest conversations with trusted friends.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: The point is you need some mechanism for self reflection
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: because the alternative is living on autopilot and wondering why
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: your friendships keep falling apart. Okay, so let us talk
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: about the practical side. What do you do when you
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: notice that a friendship is becoming competitive when you feel
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: that shift happening.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: First, you have to be honest with yourself. You have
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: to acknowledge the jealousy without judging it. Jealousy is a
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: normal human emotion. It does not make you a bad person,
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: but it does become a problem when you let it
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: drive your behavior. So step one is admitting it. I
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: am jealous, this is real, this is what it feels like.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: And then step two.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: Step two is having the conversation. And I know that
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: sounds terrifying, but it is necessary. You sit down with
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: your friend and you say, look, I have been struggling
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: with this and I do not want it to come
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: between us. I am happy for you, but I'm also
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: having a hard time with my own situation and I
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: need you to understand that.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: And the response to that conversation tells you everything you
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: need to know about the friendship. If your friend hears
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: you and says I understand and I want to support
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: you through this, then you have a real friendship. But
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: if they get defensive or dismissive, or if they make
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: it about themselves, then the friendship was never as deep
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: as you thought.
• 21:14
  Speaker 3: Exactly.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: The conversation is a litmus test, and sometimes the answer
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: is not what you want to hear, but it is
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: the truth.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: Okay, let me bring up another angle, the flip side.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: What happens when you are the one who is winning
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: and you can feel your friend pulling away? How do
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: you handle that?
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: That is tabi because you cannot control how someone else feels.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: But what you can do is be mindful, be aware
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: of how you share your wins. You do not have
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: to hide them, but you can be thoughtful about how
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: and when you share, and more importantly, check in on
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: your friend, not in a condescending way, but in a
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: genuine way.
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: Ask how they are doing. Listen, be present, and do.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: Not assume that because someone is not celebrating your wins
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: they hate you. Sometimes people are just going through their
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: own stuff and your success is not the reason they
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: are struggling. That is such an important distinction. Not every
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: emotional reaction is about you.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: Sometimes your friend is dealing with something completely unrelated and
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: your good news just happened to land on a bad day.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: I remember more time I got some really exciting news
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: about a project and I called my friend to tell him,
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: and he was super flat about it, like barely reacted,
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: and I got kind of offended. But then later I
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: found out he had just found out that his mom
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: was sick and he was processing that, and I felt
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: like the biggest jick for making it about me.
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: That is such a good example of why communication matters.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: If he had said, hey, I am dealing with something
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: personal right now, can we talk later, you would have understood,
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: but because neither of you said anything, it turned into
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: this thing where you felt unappreciated and he felt pressured.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: And this is a cycle that kills friendships. The misunderstandings
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: paul up, the assumptions hardened, and by the time someone
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: says something, there is so much resentment built up that
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: one conversation can not fix it. So here's what I
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: want to say to anyone listening who is going through
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: this right now. If you feel a friendship shifting into rivalry,
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: do not wait, Do not let it fester. Have the
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: conversation now while there is still something to save, because
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: the longer you wait, the harder it gets. And if
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: the conversation does not work, if the friendship cannot survive
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: the truth, then let it go because a friendship that
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: only works when you are both losing is not a
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: friendship worth keeping.
• 23:26
  Speaker 3: That is cold, but it is honest.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: Look I have lost friends because I succeeded at something
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: they wanted and it hurt. But looking back, I realized
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: that those friendships were built on convenience, not connection. The
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: friends who stayed, the ones who cheered me on even
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: when they were struggling, those are the real ones, and
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: you can count those people on one hand.
• 23:47
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: Quality over quantity always, and the friendships that survive competition
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: are the ones that are worth investing in.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: One more thing before we move on, I want to
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: talk about the social media factor specifically, because I believe
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: that social media has weaponized comparison between friends. Before Instagram
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: and TikTok, you would see your friend occasionally, you would
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: hear about their wins in person, but now you are
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: exposed to their curated best moments twenty four to seven,
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: and it creates this invisible scoreboard that nobody asked for.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: You are constantly measuring yourself against people who are only
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: showing you the best version of their lives, and it
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: is exhausting. I had to mute a friend on Instagram
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: for this exact reason, not because I did not like them,
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: but because every post they made made me feel worse
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: about myself. And that was not their fault, it was
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: my issue. But protecting my mental health meant stepping back
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: from the constant comparison. And there is another layer to
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: the social media thing that I want to mention. It
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: is not just about seeing your friend's wins. It is
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: about the comments, the reactions. When your friend posts something
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: and gets five hundred likes and one hundred comments, and
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: you post something similar and get twelve likes and three comments,
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: the disparity is right there in front of you.
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: You cannot unsee it.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: Algorithm ranks your popularity against your friend's popularity, and you
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: are watching it happen in real time, and.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: The algorithm does not care about your feelings. It is
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: designed to maximize engagement, and jealousy is one of the
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: most engaging emotions there is. So the more you compare
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: yourself to your friend's posts, the more the algorithm shows
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: you their content, and the more you spiral.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: I have a theory that social media has created a
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: generation of people who cannot be genuinely happy for anyone
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: because the constant comparison has rewired our brains. We are
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: not wired to see one hundred people's wins every day.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: Our ancestors lived in groups of fifty people. They knew
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: everyone personally. They saw the full picture, the struggles and
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: the wins. Now we only see the wins. That is
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: a really good point. The context is missing, and without context,
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: comparison becomes toxic because you are comparing your full messy,
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: complicated life to someone else's curated highlight reel. And that
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: is not just friends. It is everyone, your classmates, your coworkers,
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: your neighbors, your ex, your crush. Everyone is broadcasting their
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: best moments and you are sitting there, absorbing all of
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: it and measuring yourself against each one.
• 26:12
  Speaker 3: The mental health impact is real.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: Studies have shown that social media use is correlated with
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: increased feelings of inadequacy, especially among young adults, and I
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: think a lot of that comes from the comparison trap.
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: But here's the thing. You cannot just delete social media
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: and call it a day, because social media is also
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: how we stay connected with friends, how we build our careers,
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: how we share our lives. It is a tool, and
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: like any tool, it can be used well or used badly.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: The key is intentionality. Use social media on your terms,
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: not the algorithm's terms. Post because you want to share,
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: not because you want validation. Follow people who inspire you,
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: not people who make you feel small. And when you
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: notice yourself comparing, take a step back and remind yourself
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: that you are only seeing a fraction of the story.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: All right, let me ask you this final question before
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: we wrap up the main time topic. Do you believe
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: that true friends can compete without becoming rivals.
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: I do, but only if both people have a secure
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: sense of self. If your identity is wrapped up in
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: external validation, then competition will always feel like a threat.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: But if you know who you are and what you
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: bring to the table, then someone else's success does not
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: diminish yours.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: That is the goal, to be so secure in yourself
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: that you can celebrate someone else's wins without feeling like
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: you are losing. And that takes work. It takes self reflection,
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: it takes therapy for some people, and it takes honest
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: conversations with the people you care about. But it is
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: worth it because the friendships that survive competition are the
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: strongest bonds you will ever have. Agreed.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: Those are the people who have seen you at your
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: worst and chose to stay.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: One last all before the shoutout, can I tell you
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: about a friendship I lost over something that sounds ridiculous
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: when you say it out loud, Go for it. Me
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: and this dude were best friends since middle school. We
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: did everything together. We had inside jokes that nobody else understood.
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: We could communicate with just a look and then we
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: both started trying to make it in the music scene.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: He was a producer. I was doing vocals, and at
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: first we were going to collab on everything. We were
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: going to be the next big duo. But that is
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: not what happened, not even close. He started getting placements
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: with bigger artists, like actual recognizable names, and I was
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: still doing open mics and recording in my bedroom. And
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: every time he got a placement, I would congratulate him,
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: but inside I was dying because we started at the
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: same place, and he was pulling away so fast that
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: I could not even see him anymore. The gap became visible,
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: and the gap was not just professional, it was social.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: He started hanging out with people I had only seen
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: on Instagram, going to events I could not get into,
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: wearing clothes I could not afford, and every time we
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: hung out there was this unspoken acknowledgment that our lives
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: were on different trajectories. Did you talk to him about it?
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: I tried, but he had this attitude of I am
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: just doing my thing, you should do yours like He
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: did not want to acknowledge that the gap was a problem,
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: and I get it. He did not want to feel
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: guilty about his success, but his refusal to acknowledge was
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: its own kind of dismissal.
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: So what ended it.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: He produced a track for this artist I had been
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: trying to work with for years, and he did not
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: even tell me about it until I saw it on
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: social media, and that was the moment I knew, because
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: if we were really friends, he would have told me.
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: He would have said, Hey, I got this opportunity, and
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: I know you have been going after the same thing,
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: so let me be upfront about it. But he did not.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: He just let me find out like everyone else.
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: That is rough because it is not just about the opportunity.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: It is about the respect, the courtesy of being told
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: first exactly.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: And I know some people would say I was being
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: too sensitive, but I do not think sensitivity is the issue.
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: The issue is that he chose to treat me like
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: a stranger instead of a friend, and that choice told
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: me everything I needed to know about where I stood
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: in his life. Do you think he did it on
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: purpose or do you think he was just caught up
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: in his own world? Honestly, I think it was a
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: bit of both. I think he was so focused on
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: his own grind that he did not think about how
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: it would affect me. But I also think that some
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: part of him enjoyed the distance because as long as
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: I was struggling and he was succeeding, he did not
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: have to deal with the complicated emotions of our friendship.
• 30:28
  Speaker 3: That is a harsh read.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: Maybe, but it is the one that makes the most
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: sense to me. And that is the thing about these situations.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: There is usually a version of events that is the
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: most honest, and it is rarely the version that makes
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: either person look good right, And that is why these
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: conversations are so hard, because the truth is messy and uncomfortable,
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: and most people would rather maintain a comfortable lie than
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: face an uncomfortable truth.
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: Okay, let me share something too, because I do not
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: want this to be a one sided thing. I have
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: been on the other side. I have been the friend
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: who was succeeding well my friend was struggling, and I
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: want to be honest about what that felt like.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: Please.
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: So, a couple of years ago, I had this breakthrough
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: moment in my career. Everything started clicking, Opportunities were coming in,
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: I was getting recognition, things were going well, and my
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: best friend at the time was going through.
• 31:21
  Speaker 3: A rough patch.
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: He had lost his job, his relationship had ended, and
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: he was just in a dark place, and.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: You felt guilty for being happy.
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: Not just guilty, I felt like I had to choose
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: between being authentic about my life and being sensitive to
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: his situation, because every time I shared something good, I
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: could see the pain in his eyes, and every time
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: I hid something, I felt like I was lying to him.
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: That is the impossible position.
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: And the worst part was he never asked me to
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: hide anything. He never said stop talking about your success.
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: He was always supportive on the surface, but I could
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: feel the distance growing. He stopped returning my calls as quickly,
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: he stopped inviting me to things, and I knew it
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: was because being around my happiness was painful for him.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: So what did you do? I did the worst thing possible.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: I stopped sharing my wins entirely. I downplayed everything. Oh
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: it is not a big deal. Oh it is just
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: a small project. Oh I got lucky. And eventually I
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: started believing my own act. I started minimizing my own
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: accomplishments to make him comfortable. And that is not sustainable.
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: Not at all, because you cannot build a life on
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: self diminishment. Eventually, the resentment builds, you start thinking why
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: do I have to be the one who shrinks?
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: Why is his comfort more important than my truth? And
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: that resentment poisons the friendship from the inside. Did you
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: ever tell him how you felt? Eventually, yes, but by
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: the time I brought it up, there was so much
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: unspoken tension that the conversation just made things worse. He
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: felt like I was attacking him for his struggles, and
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: I felt like he was punishing me for my success,
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: and neither of us was entirely wrong. So the friendship did.
• 33:00
  Speaker 3: Not officially it just faded.
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: We stopped making plans, stop checking in, and now we
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: are those two people who used to be inseparable and
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: now occasionally like each other's posts on social media, which
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: is honestly the saddest form of friendship I can think of.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: That is the modern friendship grave social media likes, the
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: bare minimum acknowledging that you once meant something to each.
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: Other and it did not have to end that way.
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: If either of us had been brave enough to have
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: the conversation early on, before the resentment calcified, we might
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: still be friends.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: But that is the thing. Early on, you do not
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: realize how serious it is. You think it is just
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: a phase, you think it will pass, and by the
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: time you realize it is not going to pass on
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: its own, the damage is too deep.
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: Can I share one more story, because I think this
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: illustrates the point perfectly.
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: Always so, my college roommate, best friend for four years.
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: We were inseparable. We studied together, we partied together. We
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: even had a joint savings account for a postgraduation trip.
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: And then graduation happened. I got a job at a
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: tech company within a month. He spent six months looking,
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: and the dynamics shifted overnight. I can imagine it was
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: not just the job, it was everything that came with it.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: I had a salary, I had a routine, I had
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: a social circle at work. He was still in his
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: childhood bedroom, applying to jobs, getting rejection after rejection, and
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: every time I called him, I could hear it in
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: his voice, the resentment, the sadness, the distance. Could you
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: try to help? Did you try to help?
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: I tried everything. I referred him to openings at my company,
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: I reviewed his resume. I even offered to let him
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: crash at my place while he looked for work. But
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: every gesture of help felt like pity to him, and
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: he did not want pity.
• 34:41
  Speaker 3: He wanted a quality, and.
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: You could not give him that because the circumstances had
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: changed exactly.
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: And the worst part was I started dreading his calls
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: because every conversation was heavy. Every conversation was about his struggle,
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: and I wanted to be supportive, but I was also exhausted.
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: I was dealing with my own stuff at a new job,
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: and I did not have the emotional bandwidth to carry
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: both of us.
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: That is the caregiver for tea that nobody talks about
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: in friendships. You can only pour from an empty cup
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: for so long.
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: And eventually I stopped answering his calls, not because I
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: did not care, but because I was overwhelmed. And by
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: the time I reached out again, three months had passed
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: and the friendship was cold. The trust was gone. He
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: felt abandon and I felt guilty.
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: Do you think they could have been saved?
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: Honestly, I do not know, because the problem was not
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: the friendship itself. The problem was the circumstances. We were
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: in two completely different worlds, and neither of us had
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: the tools to bridge that gap. Maybe if we had
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: talked about it, openly acknowledged the imbalance, found a way
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: to support each other without the resentment. It could have worked,
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: but we were too young and too proud.
• 35:46
  Speaker 3: To have that conversation.
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: And that is the tragedy of so many friendships. They
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: do not end because of a big fight or a betrayal.
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: They end because two people could not find a way
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: to navigate the changing landscape of their lives together.
• 36:01
  Speaker 3: Which is why.
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: Communication is so important, not just when things are bad,
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: but when things are changing, Because change is inevitable. People grow,
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: people succeed, people struggle, and the friendships that survive are
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: the ones where both people are willing to adapt.
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: You know what I want to talk about really quick,
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: the gender dynamics of this, because I feel like men
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: and women experience friendship rivalry differently. Oh absolutely, I think
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: with women the rivalry is more subtle. It is more
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: about social standing, appearance relationships, Like two female friends might
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: not be competing for the same job, but they are
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: definitely competing for who has the better partner, who looks better,
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: who has the more exciting social life. And with men,
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: it is more about status, money, achievement, Like men do
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: not usually care if their friend looks better than them,
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: but they absolutely care if their friend makes more money
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: or has a better car.
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: And the way men handle rivalry is different too.
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: Women might talk about it, they might have a conversation
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: about their feelings. Men just go silent. They stop calling,
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: they stop showing up, and they never explain why. That
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: is so true. I have had guy friends just ghost
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: me and I had no idea why, and when I
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: finally track them down, the answer was always the same.
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: They were jealous and they did not know how to
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: say it, so they just disappeared.
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: And that silence is devastating because you were left wondering
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: what you did wrong, and the answer is you did
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: nothing wrong.
• 37:35
  Speaker 3: They just could not handle watching you succeed.
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: I wish more men understood that vulnerability is not weakness.
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: Saying hey, I am struggling with your success is not
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: an admission of failure. It is an admission of humanity,
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: and most friends would rather hear that than watch you
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: slowly fade away.
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: That is the message I want people to take from
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: this episode. Talk to your friends even when it is hard,
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: especially when it is hard, because the conversations we avoid
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: are the conversations that could save our friendships. Network shout out.
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: All right, before we get to the final segment, I
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: want to give a quick shout out to a show
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: that I have been listening to lately.
• 38:17
  Speaker 3: Let us hear it.
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: It is called the Eternal Bible Stories Podcast. And if
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: you are into storytelling that goes deep, this show is
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: for you. They take classic stories from the Bible and
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: bring them to life with this warm, conversational style that
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: makes you feel like you are sitting in someone's living
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: room hearing these tales for the first time. I have
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: heard that one too, and the host has such a
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: calming presence. It is one of those shows you can
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: put on while you were cooking dinner or going for
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: a walk and it just flows naturally exactly, and the
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: production quality is solid, no filler, no fluff, just good
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: stories told well. If you're looking for something to add
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: to your rotation, check out the Eternal Bible Stories Podcast
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: on Spreaker. Trust me, you will not regret it.
• 38:55
  Speaker 3: Go show them some love. Two ta plus goodbye.
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: All Right, that wraps up today episode on When Friends
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: Become Rivals. This one was heavy, man, but I feel
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: like it needed to.
• 39:05
  Speaker 3: Be said for sure.
• 39:06
  Speaker 2: And if you are listening to this and going through
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: something like this right now, just know that you are
• 39:12
  Speaker 2: not alone. This is more common than people think, and
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: the fact that you are aware of it means you
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: are already halfway to fixing it.
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: If this episode hit home for you, share it with
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: a friend, the one you are still cool with. And
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: if you are going through it with that friend, maybe
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: send this episode and say, hey, we need to talk.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: That is all it takes sometimes, and do not forget
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: to subscribe to All about Friendships on Speaker.
• 39:35
  Speaker 3: Leave us a review. If you are enjoying.
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: The show, it helps us reach more people who need
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: to hear this stuff.
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: Follow us on social media, drop us a comment. Tell
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: us about a time when competition almost ruin the friendship.
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: We want to hear your stories. Next episode, we are
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: tackling the friend breakup. It happens to everyone, and it
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: hurts more than most people admit.
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: You do not want to miss.
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: It until then, take care of your people and take
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: care of yourselves.
• 39:59
  Speaker 3: I am Paul and I an Etsel. Peace.
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: Peace,