Latest / Magic Divorce Club Podcast / Ep 19: The Co-Parenting Shift That Changed Everything

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Ep 19: The Co-Parenting Shift That Changed Everything · Magic Divorce Club Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Magic Divorce Club podcast.
• 0:05
  This is your space to successfully navigate your divorce with
• 0:10
  confidence and create
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: a roadmap to the life of your dreams.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Hannah Harvey,
• 0:16
  I'm the author of How to Divorce Sober and I have helped
• 0:20
  thousands of women to
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: process the trauma of divorce and step into an exciting future.
• 0:27
  Please like and subscribe because this really helps my little
• 0:31
  podcast to grow and
• 0:33
  if you would like more from me you can subscribe at
• 0:36
  magicdivorceclub.substack.com
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: for a host of other support tools.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to the Magic Divorce Club podcast.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's me, Hannah, and this week I want to talk about co-parenting.
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  SPEAKER_00: But from the perspective of a shift,
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  SPEAKER_00: so like a mindset shift that suddenly helped me understand everything.
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  SPEAKER_00: My role, my ex's role, and how it should all work together.
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  So the reason I'm talking about this is because this week is
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  the monthly workshop
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  SPEAKER_00: for the Magic Divorce Club.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it is by my good friend Ashley, who is a parenting expert.
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  SPEAKER_00: She is an expert in co-parenting relationships.
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  SPEAKER_00: And specifically, this workshop is about how to...
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  I guess navigate your new role now that you're no longer
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  together and how you can
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  SPEAKER_00: co-parent really effectively so that your kids feel safe,
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  SPEAKER_00: feel grounded,
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  SPEAKER_00: we're not emotionally damaging them while still looking after our needs.
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  SPEAKER_00: So that is happening this week,
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  it goes live on the 28th and I would love for you to join us
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  for that and I'll
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  SPEAKER_00: share the show notes below.
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  SPEAKER_00: But yeah,
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  SPEAKER_00: this for me,
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  because obviously the whole topic of co-parenting is really
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  nuanced and massive.
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  But one thing that really helped me get to grips with how to do
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  it effectively is
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  SPEAKER_00: what I want to share today.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it's not all about core orders, making plans.
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  SPEAKER_00: knowing what your ex is doing and all that kind of stuff.
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  And the moment it came really obvious to me that this is what
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  was going on was it
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  SPEAKER_00: was my birthday.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I remember going,
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  SPEAKER_00: dropping my daughter off and she looked at her dad and she was like,
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  SPEAKER_00: it's my mum's birthday.
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  And he couldn't even look at me and he just went,
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  I know,
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  and shut the door.
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  SPEAKER_00: And...
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  That's when I realised that what I thought co-parenting was
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  about really wasn't.
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  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't at all.
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  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't about all of the court stuff, the logistics, the fairness.
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  SPEAKER_00: But it was actually all about the emotions behind it.
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  SPEAKER_00: How can we navigate the most precious things in our life, our kids...
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  and be in conflict with the person that we made them with and
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  so i understood there
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  and then how easy it was to get triggered and to get pushed
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  into that you know
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  SPEAKER_00: fight or flight feeling all the rejection coming up um
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  you know the the text messages the plans changing the missed
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  calls like it all sets
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  your nervous system off and really can make you feel just so
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  out of control and so
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  you know that's when I understood that we can't think our way
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  through this as such
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  SPEAKER_00: we can have plans in place and
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  And that's all great,
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  but we all know that plans don't always go to plan.
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  You can plan for anything in the world and then something new
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  will come along that
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  SPEAKER_00: you couldn't have anticipated.
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  And that is just what we're dealing with here,
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  especially if there is conflict.
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  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, if there's conflict, there's going to be emotional chaos.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so therefore, we need to regulate ourselves first.
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  SPEAKER_00: So the massive shift I felt on that day when I'm like,
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  SPEAKER_00: can't even say happy birthday for the sake of my daughter,
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  is that this co-parenting lark going forward is going to be all
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  about my emotional
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  SPEAKER_00: practice and how I can show up for this stuff and protect myself.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yes, there's a legal element to it, but it is not the be all and end all.
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  SPEAKER_00: So when you can shift your focus from having to control everything,
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  SPEAKER_00: because you really can't when it comes to co-parenting,
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  SPEAKER_00: your emotional,
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  SPEAKER_00: when I say regulation,
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  SPEAKER_00: like feeling safe and steady in your body,
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  SPEAKER_00: we all know what it feels like to be like,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm so overwhelmed.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm so triggered.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm in panic attack.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm in fear.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it's the opposite of that.
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  SPEAKER_00: Feeling calm.
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  SPEAKER_00: Everything else is going to soften.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're going to roll with the punches a lot more.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the beautiful thing about this,
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  SPEAKER_00: which you can be smug about all the way to the bank,
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  SPEAKER_00: to the end of the divorce,
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  SPEAKER_00: whatever you want to say,
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  SPEAKER_00: is that it only takes one parent.
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  for your kids to benefit from this so it only needs one of you
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  to be regulated and
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  to be calm and to be emotionally secure for your kids to
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  benefit and that is your
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  power that's your superpower is you are going to choose that
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  rather than being
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  triggered all the time and fighting so you the beauty of all of
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  this is that you
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  SPEAKER_00: don't need your ex to change
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  SPEAKER_00: You can't make them change.
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  SPEAKER_00: You can ask nicely, but the chances are they won't.
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what your particular circumstances is,
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  SPEAKER_00: but the beautiful thing is it doesn't matter.
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  SPEAKER_00: Things can get easier without them changing because it's in your power.
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  SPEAKER_00: So this is where,
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  SPEAKER_00: like,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  the prompts we've been doing recently around keeping yourself
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  steady before,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: big events like birthdays,
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  SPEAKER_00: with Christmas coming up,
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  SPEAKER_00: all of that kind of stuff.
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  SPEAKER_00: Just keep applying it.
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  That's the beauty of these tools is that you can use them in so
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  many different ways.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know when your emotions are starting to come up.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the chances are you're going to be asked to,
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  This divorce is going to ask of you things that you never,
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  ever wanted to do.
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  SPEAKER_00: There may be bits of conflict.
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  SPEAKER_00: There may be times when you have to step up and speak up for yourself.
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  There may be times that you get a shitty email and all you want
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  to do is send a
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  SPEAKER_00: reply back saying,
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  SPEAKER_00: fuck you.
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  SPEAKER_00: But we're not going to do that.
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  SPEAKER_00: So before you do anything involving your ex and co-parenting,
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  SPEAKER_00: we're going to breathe and come back to your center and come back to the,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: the prompts that you have that really matter.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like what are your values in all of this?
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  SPEAKER_00: You want your kids to be safe and happy.
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  SPEAKER_00: So coming back to that will always work.
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  always mean that you do the right thing so asking what's the
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  most loving thing i
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  can do for my child right now my children what do they need and
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  then going like if
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  i stay calm what outcome becomes possible don't get me wrong
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  this is really hard
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  SPEAKER_00: like this is the work but i know that you can get there
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  And,
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  you know,
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  even now it's like there are tricky things that come up for me.
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  Lots of different things have changed this year in terms of my
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  co-parenting.
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  SPEAKER_00: And being able to,
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  SPEAKER_00: instead of react and be like in the moment,
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  coming back and breathing has made me feel so much safer and so
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  much calmer and
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  SPEAKER_00: allowed me to kind of go,
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  SPEAKER_00: okay,
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  SPEAKER_00: so if that is happening...
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  what will that look like for me and what's the best outcome for
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  my kids um and I'm
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  not perfect at this do not get me wrong I'm just sharing tools
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  that I know work
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  when they're put into practice so I guess like it has become
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  something that feels
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  like a superpower to me that I can stay calm through most of
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  this stuff um
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  And I just think the energy has shifted from things used to be
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  super reactive.
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  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't handle my kids emotions very well.
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  SPEAKER_00: I would get really triggered and upset.
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  And all of that is obviously really natural when you're first
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  going into divorce
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  SPEAKER_00: and working out what's going on.
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  SPEAKER_00: But once we lay this foundation of being,
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  SPEAKER_00: like,
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  SPEAKER_00: super calm and,
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  SPEAKER_00: oh,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm so chill,
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  SPEAKER_00: it just has this really beautiful calming effect on everybody around you,
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  SPEAKER_00: including your ex.
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  And things that you thought might not be possible might now
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  become possible.
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  SPEAKER_00: And obviously,
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  SPEAKER_00: like,
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  SPEAKER_00: this is a real anchor of what I teach in the Magic Divorce Club,
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  SPEAKER_00: not just for how to...
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  communicate with your ex but also with things like processing
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  really big emotions
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  and grief and all of that stuff that's coming up as we go
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  through the process of
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  divorce and if you can lay this foundation for co-parenting it
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  as well it's just
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  SPEAKER_00: going to have such a positive impact on you and everybody else around you
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  So long and short of it is if you can shift from reacting and
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  interregulating,
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  SPEAKER_00: you can reclaim your power.
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  SPEAKER_00: That can become your superpower.
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  And you get to be like kind of the boss of all of this stuff
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  because you're just unflappable.
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  SPEAKER_00: And yes, you will definitely be triggered and stuff is going to come up.
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  But if you give it time and space and we will share so much
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  more of all of the
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  SPEAKER_00: tools,
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  SPEAKER_00: the scripts that you can use to kind of keep you...
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  steady and out of major conflict tomorrow at the workshop sorry
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  on friday at the
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  workshop like it's really it's going to be really magical for
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  you um and for your
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  kids like learning how to apply this in real life getting um
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  just prompts that you
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  can use for um dealing with your ex and strategies so that you
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  can be really
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  SPEAKER_00: confident as you go into this
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  okay my darling so remember you don't actually need your ex to
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  change for peace to
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  be possible for you and your kids your calm is your superpower
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  and the honestly
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  once you claim that the chances are your ex will change anyway
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  because you're
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  SPEAKER_00: approaching them with a completely different vibration and
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  And I know right now you might be feeling angry and hurt and
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  upset and all of those
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  SPEAKER_00: things that are completely valid right now.
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  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean that you can't still claim all of these things.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like a rebellious act of being like,
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  SPEAKER_00: yeah,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to get triggered by you anymore,
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  SPEAKER_00: actually.
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  I choose to be calm for the sake of my kids because this is the
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  quickest way out of
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  SPEAKER_00: this shitstorm.
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  SPEAKER_00: All right, my darlings, I will see you next week.
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  SPEAKER_00: I hope you can join us on Friday.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: That will go out at 10 a.m.
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  SPEAKER_00: on Friday and you can basically watch it whenever you want.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: As always, the magic works whenever you access it.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for listening.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if you could subscribe and leave a review, that would be amazing.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: For all of your tips and tools,
• 13:23
  head over to magicdivorceclub.substack.com and you can find
• 13:31
  everything that you
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: need there.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: You've got this and I've got you.