Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 402. Navigating the Daily Grind & Finding Fulfilment. Head Noise

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402. Navigating the Daily Grind & Finding Fulfilment. Head Noise · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:18
Speaker 1: So this is a listener question episode. I'm going to
0:21
Speaker 1: be answering four of your questions to the best of
0:24
Speaker 1: my ability, and for those of you that are playing
0:27
Speaker 1: along at home, this hopefully will be certain things in
0:31
Speaker 1: what I say, hopefully you'll be able to apply to
0:34
Speaker 1: your own unique circumstances in your life. Life update, Life
0:38
Speaker 1: is great. Everything's great. Life is good. Let's just dive
0:42
Speaker 1: straight into it. Okay, Hi, Alexis. I listen to your
0:50
Speaker 1: podcast every day during my commute and I'm a huge
0:52
Speaker 1: fan of your helpful advice. Do you think you could
0:54
Speaker 1: do an episode on how to deal with boredom during
0:57
Speaker 1: the everyday daily grind. I'm a person that craves novelty,
1:00
Speaker 1: and when I start to feel like things are stale,
1:02
Speaker 1: my focus and motivation starts to plummet. I try to
1:05
Speaker 1: introduce things like new music, podcasts or shows, but nothing
1:10
Speaker 1: satisfies that need for newness and adventure. I worry that
1:14
Speaker 1: when I start to work full time that I would
1:16
Speaker 1: grow tired of the daily grind quickly, and I would
1:19
Speaker 1: love to hear your thoughts about how to stay motivated
1:21
Speaker 1: when it comes to daily responsibilities and tasks while also
1:24
Speaker 1: keeping things fresh and interesting. Thank you. Okay, great question. Listen,
1:30
Speaker 1: there are going to be things that you have to
1:32
Speaker 1: do in life that you just don't like. But the
1:35
Speaker 1: reason why it's worth doing those things is because it
1:38
Speaker 1: equals an overall life that you like. So I don't
1:40
Speaker 1: want you to start freaking out that you might get
1:43
Speaker 1: into the daily grind and you're not going to love
1:44
Speaker 1: the nine to five. A lot of people, a lot
1:47
Speaker 1: of people are like, a portion of my day I
1:50
Speaker 1: have to do and I don't really have. I mean,
1:51
Speaker 1: you shouldn't be suffering. It shouldn't be torture. But a
1:54
Speaker 1: job that's like I don't fucking love it, but it's okay,
1:57
Speaker 1: and I have to do it, but it's like monotonous
1:59
Speaker 1: and it's the daily thing. However, the rest of my
2:02
Speaker 1: life that is very enriching, it's very fulfilling. Therefore, it's
2:07
Speaker 1: a price I'm more than happy to pay, you know.
2:09
Speaker 1: Like I've mentioned many many times, I know many people
2:11
Speaker 1: personally and also that right in that have a job
2:14
Speaker 1: that's not their life purpose because their purpose is outside
2:17
Speaker 1: of their job. Okay, So don't feel like everything has
2:20
Speaker 1: to be exciting and you in order for you to
2:22
Speaker 1: be fulfilled. Right number one. What I will say though,
2:26
Speaker 1: is you stated that you really struggle, like you crave
2:30
Speaker 1: novelty and things start to feel stale and then your
2:34
Speaker 1: focus starts to plummet. I don't know the bigger picture,
2:38
Speaker 1: but in this email you say that you try and
2:41
Speaker 1: introduce things like music, podcast shows, and nothing really satisfies
2:45
Speaker 1: that needs for newness. The examples that you gave are
2:48
Speaker 1: all passive things. Now, I don't know if that is
2:52
Speaker 1: basically an insight into everything that it is that you're trying,
2:55
Speaker 1: But when it comes to novelty and adventure, you've got
2:58
Speaker 1: to think what's going to actually make me fulfilled. Passive
3:02
Speaker 1: consumption of entertainment can only get you so far, and
3:06
Speaker 1: that's not very far. Okay, Passive consumption where then you
3:09
Speaker 1: put things into practice. Yes, so something educational that then
3:13
Speaker 1: you're going to put into practice. That's all well and good.
3:16
Speaker 1: But shows, podcasts, music, even my podcasts love it so much,
3:19
Speaker 1: but even my podcast if all you do is just
3:21
Speaker 1: consume passively, you're not gonna feel fulfilled. It's not gonna
3:26
Speaker 1: feel like an adventure, and it's not gonna feel amazing.
3:28
Speaker 1: You need to earn something in your life and that's
3:32
Speaker 1: where you're gonna start feeling fulfilled and ideally something where
3:35
Speaker 1: you're noticing you know, the stages where you're noticing progress, progress, progress,
3:41
Speaker 1: because that's where you like, you get a taste for it,
3:44
Speaker 1: and it's like it's fully merit based. It's like effort based,
3:48
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if it's some weeks a slower than others.
3:51
Speaker 1: But that's where you start to really gain a sense
3:53
Speaker 1: of fulfillment. You're seeing growth, you're seeing change. It's really exciting. Okay,
3:59
Speaker 1: so you need to make sure that the things that
4:03
Speaker 1: you were doing on a day to day basis are
4:07
Speaker 1: not going to be things that go stale, that where
4:11
Speaker 1: your focus and motivations start to plummet. You know, you
4:14
Speaker 1: want to this newness and this adventure. Firstly, it's it's
4:21
Speaker 1: good to have adventure in your life. I'm the biggest
4:23
Speaker 1: advocate for it. But you shouldn't be like, I'm not
4:26
Speaker 1: going to be satisfied unless there's constant adventure in my life.
4:29
Speaker 1: What you what you are aiming for is to feel
4:31
Speaker 1: a sense of like fulfillment in your day. That's ultimately
4:35
Speaker 1: what you want and you can still have an adventure and
4:36
Speaker 1: do that. But I think what you're struggling with here
4:39
Speaker 1: is that you're not feeling satisfied. There's not there's not
4:42
Speaker 1: much satisfaction going on on a day to day basis.
4:45
Speaker 1: So I would pick something, and it doesn't have to
4:48
Speaker 1: be the biggest passion because action leads to more action,
4:51
Speaker 1: you know, like attracts like. So just pick something that's
4:54
Speaker 1: interesting enough, that's active, where your input in it is
4:59
Speaker 1: act if not passive. Fuck off the TV shows, fuck
5:03
Speaker 1: off the music, Fuck off the podcast. For now you
5:05
Speaker 1: can still have them on your commute and stuff like that.
5:07
Speaker 1: But in your spare time, I want you to do
5:09
Speaker 1: something where you have to engage, where it requires skill,
5:13
Speaker 1: where it requires getting better, where you start off being
5:15
Speaker 1: an absolute novice and you have to get better at
5:17
Speaker 1: So whatever that is, whatever that could be. I'm deciding
5:22
Speaker 1: that I want to be really muscular, and that's it.
5:24
Speaker 1: That's my fucking goal. It could be I'm starting an instrument,
5:27
Speaker 1: I'm starting a language. I am going to become a
5:31
Speaker 1: gun at pottery. I'm going to start to enter digsaw
5:34
Speaker 1: puzzle competitions and compete against Alexis and her cousin whatever
5:37
Speaker 1: it is. But what is something that is effort and
5:41
Speaker 1: skill based that is going to make you notice growth
5:45
Speaker 1: and change within you? Okay, I can guarantee you you're
5:49
Speaker 1: already going to start to feel more fulfilled when you're
5:51
Speaker 1: noticing that change. And it's okay to start with one
5:54
Speaker 1: hobby of being like, it's good, but it's not the
5:57
Speaker 1: be all, end all. And I think it's made me
5:58
Speaker 1: realize that maybe I'll do we want something more hands on,
6:01
Speaker 1: So it's made me realize that this is good, but
6:03
Speaker 1: I want even more, more creative, more arty. I'm going
6:07
Speaker 1: to go down this path and you're like, oh, that's
6:08
Speaker 1: really good, But then you know, as long as you're
6:11
Speaker 1: taking action, you're going to start to feel like effort
6:13
Speaker 1: feels good. Now, A really interesting thing that I do
6:17
Speaker 1: want to want to talk about is this pain pleasure
6:20
Speaker 1: balance that we all have. Okay, when we feel pleasure,
6:26
Speaker 1: especially if it's instant, it is soon followed by a
6:30
Speaker 1: level of pain. And when I say pain, I'm not
6:32
Speaker 1: talking about necessarily intense physical pain, but I'm talking about
6:35
Speaker 1: like a lack. We feel a lack, we feel like
6:38
Speaker 1: a withdrawing, so we want to go for more. So
6:41
Speaker 1: this happens with social media, it happens with chocolate, it
6:44
Speaker 1: happens with you know, the TV series that we're watching.
6:47
Speaker 1: We feel joy, joy, pleasure, pleasure, pleasure, and then the
6:50
Speaker 1: lack of it is pain. So when we give ourselves pleasure,
6:53
Speaker 1: we get the opposite, maybe not necessarily equivalent, but sometimes
6:57
Speaker 1: equivalent pain in response. So so it doesn't feel that
7:01
Speaker 1: great ultimately, right, we could always be constantly feeling ourselves
7:04
Speaker 1: like this is why you're getting Like I get bored
7:06
Speaker 1: and I get complacent because you're getting this pleasure pain,
7:08
Speaker 1: pleasure pain. I'm over it, right. The interesting thing is
7:11
Speaker 1: that it's true the other way around. Okay, So if
7:14
Speaker 1: you cause pain or discomfort, especially if you're bringing it on,
7:20
Speaker 1: there's the opposite pleasure on the other end of it.
7:23
Speaker 1: So that's what I want you to think about. What
7:25
Speaker 1: can I do that requires effort, that's not easy. That
7:28
Speaker 1: is like a struggle, not a struggle where it's affecting
7:31
Speaker 1: my mental health struggle, but it's a struggle, Like, God,
7:33
Speaker 1: I really have to focus on this thing. Oh my god,
7:36
Speaker 1: I'm actually like, I am such a novice competitor everyone else.
7:39
Speaker 1: I'm really starting from scratch here. I'm you know, I'm trying.
7:43
Speaker 1: It requires like so much focused effort. It requires you know,
7:46
Speaker 1: hard work or whatever it is, my attention whatever, you know,
7:51
Speaker 1: it's hard. I'm forcing myself to do it. When you
7:54
Speaker 1: finish that thing, you then get the pleasure in response.
7:58
Speaker 1: So always ask yourself, if you're I want to do something,
8:00
Speaker 1: it's going to give you instant pleasure, you're going to
8:02
Speaker 1: get the pain after. If you're going to do something
8:04
Speaker 1: that gives you instant discomfort, and when I say pain,
8:06
Speaker 1: we're talking about ultimate discomfort. Okay, it doesn't have to
8:08
Speaker 1: be pain per se, then I'm going to get the pleasure.
8:11
Speaker 1: So if you're someone that's like, where am I getting
8:13
Speaker 1: my adventure? Where am I this? Where am I that?
8:15
Speaker 1: It's because you're like quick hit, quick, quick kit not
8:17
Speaker 1: good enough. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm over it.
8:18
Speaker 1: I'm over it. Instant validation, instant validation, and we all
8:23
Speaker 1: can easily fall into that trap. You're not alone in this.
8:26
Speaker 1: It's so easy to fall into that trap. So you've
8:28
Speaker 1: got to think I need to reverse it. I need
8:31
Speaker 1: to reverse it. And you know, as far as your
8:33
Speaker 1: career and the daily grind, I wouldn't be focusing so
8:36
Speaker 1: much on that because the moment you can really make
8:38
Speaker 1: your life outside of work really fulfilling, it's not so
8:41
Speaker 1: much of an issue. You know, you actually start to
8:44
Speaker 1: look at, you know, the upside of a lot of things.
8:47
Speaker 1: You know, if you love your life outside of work
8:50
Speaker 1: and it's a daily grind you then if you're really
8:54
Speaker 1: satisfied with your life, you then start looking at your
8:56
Speaker 1: career with much kinder eyes. You're like, I get prayed
8:58
Speaker 1: pretty well for what I do. Might be boring, but
9:00
Speaker 1: I'm good at what I do. Maybe I can get
9:02
Speaker 1: better at what I do. It's really cool that you
9:05
Speaker 1: know I can commute in this way. It's really and
9:06
Speaker 1: then you start looking at all the benefits. It might
9:08
Speaker 1: not be your dream career, but you start thinking, you
9:10
Speaker 1: know what, this allows me to live the life that
9:12
Speaker 1: I want to live, and for that I'm thrilled. Right,
9:15
Speaker 1: So your aim is how can I make my life fulfilling?
9:20
Speaker 1: How can I be satisfied in my life? And the
9:22
Speaker 1: answer is effort, effort, effort, effort. When you put effort
9:27
Speaker 1: into something something, you can't buy it, you can't borrow it,
9:30
Speaker 1: you can't steal it. It can't be taken away from you. Okay.
9:34
Speaker 1: Effort is one of the greatest gifts you can give
9:37
Speaker 1: to yourself, for mental health, for happiness, for fulfillment, for
9:41
Speaker 1: feeling on purpose. Okay, So that is my answer to you.
9:44
Speaker 1: You cause the discomfort first, and then you're going to
9:46
Speaker 1: get the pleasure after get rid of these like novelty
9:49
Speaker 1: things that fade off because their passive consumption. Of course,
9:51
Speaker 1: it's going to feel novel. Hopefully that helps, and hopefully
9:54
Speaker 1: everyone can take a page out of that middle like yep,
9:56
Speaker 1: no need to do that. Next question, Hi, alexis First,
10:01
Speaker 1: I want to say thank you so much for being
10:02
Speaker 1: an older sister and giving me so much life advice.
10:05
Speaker 1: I love that you've helped me in so many situations,
10:08
Speaker 1: and I'll forever be grateful for you. I'm having a
10:10
Speaker 1: life dilemma right now and I need your help. I'm
10:12
Speaker 1: currently living in my hometown in which I feel like
10:14
Speaker 1: I've outgrown. I'm still living at home with my parents
10:17
Speaker 1: due to saving for my own place, but living with
10:20
Speaker 1: my family is costing me my mental health. As much
10:22
Speaker 1: as I love them, they are only good in shorter periods.
10:25
Speaker 1: As our relationship mimics a toxic household eg. Gas lighting,
10:28
Speaker 1: narcissistic behaviors. I love my job as a nurse, so
10:31
Speaker 1: I don't want to leave my job and the people behind,
10:34
Speaker 1: but I'm stuck feeling like this is the only good
10:36
Speaker 1: thing that's going for me right now. My physical health
10:39
Speaker 1: right now is struggling, which my workplace knows about and
10:41
Speaker 1: is very accommodating, which is another reason why I feel
10:44
Speaker 1: like I need to stay, although I have noticed this
10:46
Speaker 1: specific job in nursing may be a massive contributor to
10:49
Speaker 1: my health issues. My best friend lives in the town
10:52
Speaker 1: that I want to move to, and she's offered for
10:54
Speaker 1: me to move in with her. Whenever we are with
10:57
Speaker 1: each other, we both feel so much happier and motivated.
10:59
Speaker 1: She is my soul system. I am such a different
11:02
Speaker 1: person to who I was growing up, and I can't
11:04
Speaker 1: help but feel like I'm trying to squash myself back
11:06
Speaker 1: into my old life that just doesn't fit me anymore.
11:08
Speaker 1: Sorry for the long message. I would love your advice
11:11
Speaker 1: and thank you so much for everything. All Right, So,
11:14
Speaker 1: I feel like the answer is fucking clear, and I
11:17
Speaker 1: know that the thing that's holding you back is the
11:19
Speaker 1: fact that you're saving for a place. So I guess
11:22
Speaker 1: you have to ask yourself where does my priority lie? Ultimately,
11:27
Speaker 1: because I'm very aware, as is every Australian well, no
11:30
Speaker 1: matter where you live, actually most countries in the world,
11:33
Speaker 1: I would imagine right now of the cost of living
11:35
Speaker 1: and how fuck things are and properties an't getting any cheaper.
11:37
Speaker 1: So I understand that this is a huge factor that
11:39
Speaker 1: you do want to be considering. And I don't want
11:41
Speaker 1: to dismiss it altogether because this might be your ultimate goal.
11:44
Speaker 1: It might be the be all end all, and I
11:45
Speaker 1: don't want to be like, fuck it whatever. But you
11:47
Speaker 1: also are in a position where right now you can't
11:51
Speaker 1: have it all. I cannot give you an answer that's
11:53
Speaker 1: going to make you happy in the situation that you're
11:55
Speaker 1: in right now. I cannot. What I can do is say,
11:59
Speaker 1: if you're able to push the goalpost a further as
12:04
Speaker 1: far as your savings go, and if you think that
12:07
Speaker 1: the number one thing right here that needs to be
12:09
Speaker 1: addressed is your mental health, you need to be moving. Firstly,
12:14
Speaker 1: I know it's hard to leave a job. Let's talk
12:16
Speaker 1: about the job nursing. You can obviously get a job
12:18
Speaker 1: somewhere else nursing. It's a transferable job, you can get
12:21
Speaker 1: a job in another location. You also mentioned that this
12:24
Speaker 1: specific job that you're doing in nursing might be a
12:26
Speaker 1: contributor to your health issues, so maybe a slightly different
12:29
Speaker 1: job in nursing would be beneficial to you. You also
12:31
Speaker 1: said that you feel bad leaving because they're accommodating. You
12:34
Speaker 1: can't live your life based on guilt for certain things.
12:37
Speaker 1: These people are accommodating because they're good people. Okay, you're
12:41
Speaker 1: not punishing them for following what you need to do.
12:45
Speaker 1: You can still show your gratitude. You can explain to
12:48
Speaker 1: them how much it's meant to you that they have
12:50
Speaker 1: been accommodating. But you also can't live your life because
12:54
Speaker 1: someone was nice to you and be miserable. Okay, this
12:58
Speaker 1: is you know, pass on the goodness to other when
13:00
Speaker 1: you have the opportunity. Let them know that you are
13:02
Speaker 1: grateful for their help. But that doesn't mean that now
13:05
Speaker 1: because they were, Like, I think that they've been accommodating
13:07
Speaker 1: because they're just good people. You know, hopefully they're not
13:10
Speaker 1: being accommodating because they will not have you by the balls, right.
13:13
Speaker 1: So that's one thing that you cannot use is that
13:15
Speaker 1: there's a defining reason why you're going to stay. And secondly,
13:17
Speaker 1: if you're in a narcissistic household where you're being gas
13:20
Speaker 1: lit and it's you know, it's affecting your mental health,
13:24
Speaker 1: you've got to get out of there as soon as possible.
13:25
Speaker 1: You have this perfect alternative, You're with your best friend.
13:28
Speaker 1: Things are going to be incredible, You're going to be
13:30
Speaker 1: a lot happier. So really it's a no brainer to move.
13:34
Speaker 1: That is a no brainer. The question is what is
13:38
Speaker 1: more important right now for me? Do I have to
13:41
Speaker 1: And I can't answer this for you, And I'm not
13:43
Speaker 1: saying I'm not trying to say it like to make it,
13:45
Speaker 1: to trivialize it, because I'm not because I don't know
13:48
Speaker 1: why your priorities are the way they are where they are.
13:50
Speaker 1: The depths of it. Only you can answer that. But
13:53
Speaker 1: you have to ask yourself what is ultimately going to
13:57
Speaker 1: be more important? Is it my mental health right now?
14:00
Speaker 1: And then I've got to push the timeline out for
14:02
Speaker 1: saving a bit more because I'm going to be paying rent.
14:04
Speaker 1: I've got to like really budget on other things because
14:07
Speaker 1: I'm fucking trying to allocate as much money to savings
14:10
Speaker 1: as possible or is my be all end all? I
14:15
Speaker 1: can see it, you know, it's my driving force is
14:18
Speaker 1: owning a property, because the only benefit of staying is
14:22
Speaker 1: so you can say faster for the property. That's the
14:24
Speaker 1: only benefit. But keep in mind that you're going to
14:27
Speaker 1: feel stuck, You're not going to be fulfilled. Your mental
14:29
Speaker 1: health is going to struggle. You're also going to see,
14:31
Speaker 1: you know, the life that you could have had because
14:34
Speaker 1: your friends are going to be living it and you're like,
14:35
Speaker 1: I could have been there. How is that going to
14:37
Speaker 1: affect you? As far as I'm concerned, I think, within reason,
14:41
Speaker 1: you do need to be prioritizing your mental health whenever possible.
14:44
Speaker 1: So really your question is it all comes down to
14:47
Speaker 1: how necessary is this timeline for me to get this property?
14:51
Speaker 1: That's the question, and I can't aswer that for you.
14:54
Speaker 1: But as far as every other aspect, it seems like
14:57
Speaker 1: a fucking no brainer to move in with your friend.
14:59
Speaker 1: I would move in with a friend, but I can't
15:03
Speaker 1: speak for your financial situation since since next question, Hi
15:31
Speaker 1: alexis thank you so much for your pod, and thank
15:33
Speaker 1: you in advance for your guidance. I've been wondering about
15:36
Speaker 1: validation my whole life, I have sought. I've sought out
15:41
Speaker 1: the approval of others, and I feel like being a
15:43
Speaker 1: second child didn't help. And I feel like it pushed
15:46
Speaker 1: me towards seeking out my sister's validation from an early age.
15:49
Speaker 1: As I'm now coming into my mid twenties, I find
15:52
Speaker 1: myself wanting to break away from this. But I'm struggling
15:55
Speaker 1: and was hoping you could provide some wisdom. I've been
15:57
Speaker 1: a chronic validation seeker my whole life. For example, when
16:01
Speaker 1: I make a joke, I will look to the other
16:03
Speaker 1: person to see if they acknowledge what I said and
16:05
Speaker 1: confirm to me that they enjoyed it. If they didn't,
16:08
Speaker 1: I'm left quite disappointed. Even though I found the joke
16:11
Speaker 1: funny to begin with, not having them validate that diminishes
16:14
Speaker 1: my enjoyment of it. Well, this is just surface level example.
16:17
Speaker 1: The validation seeking runs much deeper. I'm left feeling like
16:21
Speaker 1: I don't know who I really am because I feel
16:24
Speaker 1: I have been seeking to please my whole life. I
16:27
Speaker 1: constantly look to other people to reassure me that I'm enough,
16:30
Speaker 1: funny enough, smart enough, pretty enough, even though I know
16:32
Speaker 1: that these things in my life, Even though I know
16:36
Speaker 1: these things in myself. The validation I give myself never
16:39
Speaker 1: feels as good as the validation others give me, so
16:42
Speaker 1: I'm left constantly seeking that dopamine hit of satisfaction. I
16:46
Speaker 1: would love to know if you have any tips on
16:47
Speaker 1: moving away from this helping myself validation feels like enough. Sorry,
16:55
Speaker 1: I would love to know if you have any tips
16:56
Speaker 1: on moving away from this, helping myself validation feel like enough,
17:00
Speaker 1: and ways to boost self confidence in general. I would
17:03
Speaker 1: also love to hear your opinion on second slash middle
17:06
Speaker 1: child syndrome and whether these types of confidence slash self
17:09
Speaker 1: assurance issues are more common in people who are not
17:11
Speaker 1: necessarily giving the most attention growing up. Thank you so
17:14
Speaker 1: much for sharing your light and wisdom with the world.
17:17
Speaker 1: PS love the audiobook and I can't wait to see
17:19
Speaker 1: you when you come to Brisbane. I can't wait for
17:21
Speaker 1: Brisbane either. Thank you for writing in Okay, firstly, I
17:26
Speaker 1: want it first. Before I get into any of the
17:29
Speaker 1: final questions that you asked, I do want to address
17:31
Speaker 1: the joke thing. I think a lot of people feel
17:33
Speaker 1: that way about a joke, and the reason for that
17:35
Speaker 1: is because a joke is specifically tied to the validation
17:39
Speaker 1: of somebody else. So I think that the joke one
17:41
Speaker 1: I wouldn't worry about too much, because the joke is
17:43
Speaker 1: like I need this person to laugh in order for
17:46
Speaker 1: this thing to land, and if only I find it funny,
17:49
Speaker 1: it's not really a joke in the realm of the
17:52
Speaker 1: conversation that we're having. So I think anybody who's cracking
17:55
Speaker 1: a joke is going to look I think that's you
17:59
Speaker 1: just being socially aware. If I was like cracking jokes
18:01
Speaker 1: left right and center, not giving a fuck if people
18:03
Speaker 1: found it funny or not, I might be completely out
18:05
Speaker 1: of touch and off base and it just inappropriate. So
18:09
Speaker 1: I think as far as the joke goes, I think
18:10
Speaker 1: that's perfectly normal to crack a joke, see if people
18:14
Speaker 1: responded well to it, and then you adjust accordingly. If
18:16
Speaker 1: people didn't find it funny, you either don't share the
18:18
Speaker 1: same humor maybe it was inappropriate, maybe it wasn't. I
18:20
Speaker 1: don't know, but you kind of you kind of read
18:23
Speaker 1: other people where their humors at, and that's just social interaction.
18:26
Speaker 1: So the joke thing, don't worry about that. I think
18:29
Speaker 1: a lot of people and then especially if you crack
18:30
Speaker 1: like a banger of a joke and they're not laughing,
18:33
Speaker 1: and then you're like, I just wasted a good joke
18:35
Speaker 1: on you. What a shame. But anyway, the next thing
18:38
Speaker 1: I want to address is this idea of second child
18:41
Speaker 1: middle child syndrome. I haven't really looked into much of
18:45
Speaker 1: that at all. I think it's very dependent on the
18:49
Speaker 1: situation that you were raised in, because there's also a
18:51
Speaker 1: lot of first children that were raised in a situation
18:53
Speaker 1: where they didn't get attention, you know. I think it's
18:58
Speaker 1: not necessarily about the order of birth necessarily, because there's
19:02
Speaker 1: also people that are first born but the second needed
19:05
Speaker 1: way more attention, and then they grew up feeling like
19:07
Speaker 1: I never got that validation from my parents. So I
19:08
Speaker 1: don't think it's necessarily the order. It's more so in
19:11
Speaker 1: the circumstances that you were born in. It also has
19:13
Speaker 1: to do with the dynamic of the siblings and the
19:16
Speaker 1: parents and how that all worked. It's quite dependent on
19:19
Speaker 1: the relationship, you know. Also it has to do with,
19:22
Speaker 1: you know, how much older was the older sibling, did
19:24
Speaker 1: they play more of a mentoring parenting role, er were
19:27
Speaker 1: you close enough that it was relatively even like I'm
19:29
Speaker 1: a second child, and you know, I didn't experience any
19:34
Speaker 1: of those things because of the relationship that I have
19:36
Speaker 1: with my sister. And you know, it's just unique in
19:38
Speaker 1: that way. Okay, well not even unique, but it is
19:40
Speaker 1: the way it is. So as far as my knowledge
19:42
Speaker 1: around that, I think it more comes down to how
19:46
Speaker 1: were you how validated did you feel? But also when
19:51
Speaker 1: it comes to parenting, it's not about it's you're validating
19:54
Speaker 1: the children the child, but you are also teaching the
19:58
Speaker 1: child to feel confident in the own abilities and not
20:01
Speaker 1: always seek that validation. So it's kind of like that
20:03
Speaker 1: fine balance, which is kind of I feel quite difficult
20:06
Speaker 1: to absolutely nail. It's not an easy job. But what
20:10
Speaker 1: I will say is ultimately, when it comes down to,
20:14
Speaker 1: you know, feeling like you always need to be validated
20:17
Speaker 1: by other people, this is you know, you know, I mean,
20:22
Speaker 1: I've got a thousand episodes on like self validation and
20:24
Speaker 1: seeking validation, but ultimately where it whether you know exactly
20:31
Speaker 1: where it comes from or whether you don't. At the
20:34
Speaker 1: end of the day, the work that you're going to
20:35
Speaker 1: be doing on yourself is still work that you need
20:37
Speaker 1: to do on yourself. It's still something that has to
20:39
Speaker 1: be driven by you, that's completely now within your control
20:42
Speaker 1: that only you can change moving forward. So I think
20:45
Speaker 1: it's important to note that you don't want to It's
20:47
Speaker 1: fine to acknowledge oh yep, it's come from this, but
20:49
Speaker 1: you also don't want to be like, oh, you know,
20:52
Speaker 1: because this happens to me, I'm like this for the
20:54
Speaker 1: rest of my life and this can't change. Because you
20:55
Speaker 1: don't want to feel stuck either. So what I recommend
20:59
Speaker 1: is that you focus on ways that you can just
21:02
Speaker 1: start to turn that around. Don't don't lean into the
21:06
Speaker 1: past every single time you notice that you're seeking validation
21:09
Speaker 1: from someone, because then it's going to feel like you're
21:10
Speaker 1: powerless to change it all. Right, Now, what I recommend
21:14
Speaker 1: that you do to start with is, I mean, that's
21:15
Speaker 1: fucking a thousand things that we can be doing to
21:17
Speaker 1: start but number one is when it comes to, you know,
21:23
Speaker 1: asking for feedback, asking questions, you're going to ask yourself,
21:26
Speaker 1: where is it that I seek validation the most? Because
21:29
Speaker 1: there might be many areas, but there's going to be
21:31
Speaker 1: certain ones that you seek at the most. Is it
21:33
Speaker 1: I notice that I will never let myself leave the
21:35
Speaker 1: house looking a certain way because my validation comes from
21:39
Speaker 1: people compliment to me on my physical appearance. Is it
21:42
Speaker 1: that I have to be known to be the smart
21:44
Speaker 1: one in the group? And that is my identity? But
21:46
Speaker 1: it's only my identity because that is where I feel
21:48
Speaker 1: most loved. Is it you know the kind of friend
21:51
Speaker 1: that I am? Like, where do you think it stings
21:54
Speaker 1: the most when you don't get that kind of validation?
21:57
Speaker 1: Try and like really dig deep and figure that out.
21:59
Speaker 1: And that's the one that you want to start working
22:01
Speaker 1: on the most. Is it social? Is it about your intelligence?
22:04
Speaker 1: Is it about like what is it? Because you can
22:06
Speaker 1: be working on all of them at the same time,
22:08
Speaker 1: then you've got to ask yourself, what are my deep
22:10
Speaker 1: seated beliefs on this topic? Okay? And how real are
22:14
Speaker 1: these beliefs? Because validation comes from a need for validation
22:20
Speaker 1: comes from a certain level of insecurity. Because I will
22:23
Speaker 1: just remind you that everybody, everybody likes to be validated externally.
22:29
Speaker 1: We fucking love it. And the reason we love it
22:31
Speaker 1: is because we are wired to be in a community. Okay,
22:37
Speaker 1: we value other people valuing us. It's important. So at
22:42
Speaker 1: no point are you ever going to reach like maybe
22:46
Speaker 1: again again, there might be some people in the population,
22:48
Speaker 1: but in general, especially with people that you like, not
22:51
Speaker 1: necessarily strangers, because that's where it starts getting potentially unhealthy,
22:55
Speaker 1: but with people that are in your life that you like,
22:57
Speaker 1: it's always going to matter, and it's always going to
23:00
Speaker 1: I feel good when someone that you like has said,
23:04
Speaker 1: you know, I value that you did this thing, or
23:06
Speaker 1: I really like this thing about you or whatever, because
23:07
Speaker 1: that creates a bond, that creates you feeling needed, you
23:11
Speaker 1: feeling important, and that's just an innate thing within humanity.
23:16
Speaker 1: So I don't want you to be like, oh my god,
23:19
Speaker 1: you know, I really beal. What we're trying to do
23:21
Speaker 1: now is thinking I want to get to a point
23:23
Speaker 1: where I don't need that validation in order to be
23:26
Speaker 1: able to do things with my life. I want to
23:28
Speaker 1: be able to still make decisions for myself without needing
23:30
Speaker 1: people to agree. I want to be able to go
23:32
Speaker 1: out there and feel confident that I've you know, that
23:34
Speaker 1: I can wear what I want to wear because I
23:36
Speaker 1: like what it looks like. It's okay if other people
23:39
Speaker 1: don't like what it looks like. You know, I'm choosing
23:40
Speaker 1: this path because of all these things. You know, I
23:43
Speaker 1: don't have to go down the intelligent path. You know,
23:46
Speaker 1: maybe I want to go down something creative. I don't.
23:48
Speaker 1: It's okay that other people think, oh, you're not as
23:50
Speaker 1: quote unquote smart that as I thought you were. All
23:53
Speaker 1: these things. Whatever it is, however it applies to you.
23:55
Speaker 1: So I think ultimately Number one, say it's normal to
23:59
Speaker 1: see value from other people. It just doesn't. I don't
24:01
Speaker 1: want to be in need. Number two, where is this
24:04
Speaker 1: stemming from the most you know? And why? Number three?
24:07
Speaker 1: What are my core beliefs around this thing? Because to
24:09
Speaker 1: need validation from other people, it's an uncertainty within yourself.
24:13
Speaker 1: You are uncertain that this is the truth, and you
24:16
Speaker 1: need the truth for somebody else. So I need to
24:19
Speaker 1: start exercising certainty in my life. And the way I'm
24:23
Speaker 1: going to be exercising certainty is to practice start small,
24:26
Speaker 1: then get bigger, but to practice doing things that really
24:30
Speaker 1: grind my gears to actually go and do it. But
24:32
Speaker 1: I'm going to do it anyway. So for example, say
24:35
Speaker 1: it's appearance based, I'm going to try and wear something
24:37
Speaker 1: that might be a little bit like left to field
24:40
Speaker 1: because I want to wear it, or I'm gonna make
24:43
Speaker 1: you know, I'm gonna whatever it is it could be
24:45
Speaker 1: really small, whatever it is, but it's certain things where
24:47
Speaker 1: you're like, I would normally seek validation in this, but
24:49
Speaker 1: I'm just going to do it, and I'm going to
24:51
Speaker 1: tell myself that it's okay to do this thing, all right.
24:53
Speaker 1: A lot of people, you know, with social media, they're
24:56
Speaker 1: terrified to post something, and I have to ask all
24:58
Speaker 1: these people, can I predator? You could be something so
25:00
Speaker 1: little as that I'm going to start posting this thing
25:02
Speaker 1: without seeking validation and I'm not going to read the comments.
25:04
Speaker 1: I'm going to post a thing, I'm going to close
25:07
Speaker 1: my phone and I'm not going to visit it until
25:09
Speaker 1: hours later because I'm happy with what I posted and
25:12
Speaker 1: I don't need like a thousand comments to tell me
25:13
Speaker 1: if it's good enough or not. Okay. Little things like
25:16
Speaker 1: that start to make you feel like, Okay, this is
25:18
Speaker 1: driven by my desire to do it, not my desire
25:20
Speaker 1: to get validation. Because a lot of your behaviors, you're
25:23
Speaker 1: going to notice, like, what's the driving force behind this behavior?
25:26
Speaker 1: Is it because I actually want to do it? Or
25:28
Speaker 1: is it because I know that at the end of
25:29
Speaker 1: this behavior is someone telling me that I'm good enough?
25:31
Speaker 1: All right? And then of course, journaling is also really
25:34
Speaker 1: helpful because you get to the root of these beliefs
25:37
Speaker 1: and then you get to reword those beliefs. If you
25:40
Speaker 1: say like I'm not good enough, and else someone else
25:42
Speaker 1: says that, you can say, look at all these examples
25:44
Speaker 1: in my life, we've actually achieved things on my own
25:47
Speaker 1: merit that proves that I actually am good enough. You
25:50
Speaker 1: know that, you know I actually can survive independently, that
25:53
Speaker 1: I can be doing these things, but you know, to
25:55
Speaker 1: go deeper in it. I do have a few episodes
25:57
Speaker 1: specifically on feeling on self validation that I definitely think
26:02
Speaker 1: you should listen to because it would give like a
26:04
Speaker 1: bigger picture to that. Thank you so much for your question.
26:08
Speaker 1: Last question, what is it? Yeah, Hi Alexis. I've been
26:14
Speaker 1: a long time listener and absolutely love your podcast. It's
26:17
Speaker 1: helped me out so much and I still remember some
26:19
Speaker 1: of your quotes to this day. So here's my question.
26:22
Speaker 1: I'm a twenty one year old student, third year bachelor
26:25
Speaker 1: and genuinely love my university life. I enjoy being single
26:28
Speaker 1: and the freedom that comes with it, but there's one
26:30
Speaker 1: area where I struggle with insecurity, and that is dating.
26:34
Speaker 1: I've never had a boyfriend, never had my first kiss,
26:36
Speaker 1: and I haven't even held hands with the guy. Meanwhile,
26:39
Speaker 1: my friends are either in relationships, casually dating, or enjoying
26:42
Speaker 1: the single life with hookups and flings, while I don't
26:45
Speaker 1: crave a relationship. Seeing this contrast makes me question myself.
26:48
Speaker 1: Am I own attractive? Unlovable? Is there something wrong with me?
26:52
Speaker 1: Some friends have jokingly suggested I might be a lesbian
26:54
Speaker 1: as an explanation for why I'm single. I know they
26:57
Speaker 1: don't mean harm, but ever since, I felt this pressure
27:00
Speaker 1: to prove to them and to myself that I am desirable.
27:03
Speaker 1: When I go out, I feel an urge to get
27:05
Speaker 1: attention from guys, and if my friends are getting hit
27:07
Speaker 1: on and I'm not, I spiral into insecurity. I even
27:10
Speaker 1: downloaded Tinder just to feel validated. How can I truly
27:14
Speaker 1: embrace being single without feeling like I need to prove
27:17
Speaker 1: my worth through male attention. Hope this makes sense and
27:20
Speaker 1: I can't wait to hear your thoughts on the podcast. Okay,
27:22
Speaker 1: I think this is more an issue of like people's
27:24
Speaker 1: projection of what they believe is going on onto you.
27:27
Speaker 1: Because also that argument about you being a lesbian is
27:30
Speaker 1: a shit argument, because it's like, yeah, cool, can't if
27:32
Speaker 1: I'm gay, I'm still not cleaning up. So that's not
27:35
Speaker 1: a solution. That's not the actual answer. Like if I
27:38
Speaker 1: was a lesbie, if I was pulling chicks left, right
27:40
Speaker 1: and center and leaning in, yeah, fine, but I'm literally
27:44
Speaker 1: not pulling at all, So fuck off with your stupid
27:48
Speaker 1: assumptions for starters. Secondly, I think you know you literally
27:53
Speaker 1: stated that like this insecurity. I think it's coming from
27:57
Speaker 1: you feeling like you need to prove something to your friends,
28:00
Speaker 1: So I think you your focus should be on shutting
28:03
Speaker 1: it down, shutting this conversation down with your friends, and
28:06
Speaker 1: if they're good friends, they'll be like, yeah, fuck. You know,
28:08
Speaker 1: maybe we were just using you as the butt of
28:10
Speaker 1: the joke. We didn't realize that this is actually not appropriate. Okay,
28:13
Speaker 1: because you've said, you know, I love being single and
28:16
Speaker 1: the freedom that comes with it. You also said, you know,
28:19
Speaker 1: how can I truly embrace being single? You've you know,
28:23
Speaker 1: a couple of times you said that you you know,
28:26
Speaker 1: I don't crave a relationship, but seeing this contrast makes
28:30
Speaker 1: me question myself. So it's like you've got to ask yourself, really, really,
28:36
Speaker 1: really really truly is it true that I genuinely enjoy
28:41
Speaker 1: being single, because it sounds like you do. But is
28:43
Speaker 1: there something deep down that's saying no, I need to
28:45
Speaker 1: be in a relationship, And is your need to be
28:48
Speaker 1: in a relationship to be desired driven by you comparing
28:51
Speaker 1: yourself to your friends, Like, I don't want you to think,
28:54
Speaker 1: you know, oh, this is their timeline. Might you're twenty one,
28:58
Speaker 1: you're twenty one. If you're not interested in dating, who
29:01
Speaker 1: cares if you haven't held someone's hand, That doesn't fucking matter.
29:04
Speaker 1: Everyone's on their own timeline. Everyone is on their own timeline.
29:07
Speaker 1: And trust me, whatever you know, if you're happy, that
29:12
Speaker 1: shit doesn't matter, and you know connections will come at
29:16
Speaker 1: the right time when they come, especially if it's not
29:18
Speaker 1: something that you're craving right now, this is the time.
29:20
Speaker 1: If you're enjoying being single, that should be fucking celebrated.
29:23
Speaker 1: You shouldn't feel like something's lacking and that something's you know,
29:27
Speaker 1: like that it's shameful, or that you know you're not
29:29
Speaker 1: lovable or you're not pretty. It doesn't matter. It's like,
29:32
Speaker 1: if I'm enjoying being single, do you know how many
29:34
Speaker 1: people want to be in a position where they like
29:36
Speaker 1: to be single, So I would be like, no, no, no, no, no,
29:39
Speaker 1: we need to fucking turn this around. I don't need
29:41
Speaker 1: to feel inadequate because my friends are making jokes and
29:45
Speaker 1: comparing them whatever. Maybe if your friend's never made a comment,
29:48
Speaker 1: you would be like, Okay, yeah, I noticed that. Maybe
29:52
Speaker 1: I'm less, you know, people are hitting on me less
29:56
Speaker 1: than my friends, but maybe it doesn't really matter. Maybe
29:58
Speaker 1: the fact that they've made these jokes and the comments
30:00
Speaker 1: makes you think, fuck now, I've got to prove myself.
30:02
Speaker 1: And you literally said I feel like I have to
30:03
Speaker 1: prove myself. So if I were you, I would I
30:06
Speaker 1: would probably just address it with my friends and I
30:08
Speaker 1: would be like, guys, if my single life makes you
30:11
Speaker 1: feel so insecure, that's your problem, but it's not my problem,
30:15
Speaker 1: so you guys need to quit it. I would say that.
30:17
Speaker 1: I would say you need to quit it, all right,
30:19
Speaker 1: because I'm actually satisfied with where I'm at, And if
30:21
Speaker 1: you have a problem with that, that's exactly that. It's
30:23
Speaker 1: your problem. I don't want to hear about it. Deal
30:25
Speaker 1: with it in your own time. Deal with it in
30:27
Speaker 1: your own boring, fucking time. Maybe don't say that that
30:30
Speaker 1: might be a aggressive, but I don't want to hear it.
30:34
Speaker 1: I actually like being single. These comments are making me
30:37
Speaker 1: feel like maybe I shouldn't like being single, and maybe
30:40
Speaker 1: I need to be somewhere at a different stage in
30:42
Speaker 1: my life that I'm not at yet. I'm actually quite comfortable.
30:45
Speaker 1: I'm actually in a really nice phase of my life.
30:46
Speaker 1: I enjoy hanging out with you guys. I enjoy my
30:48
Speaker 1: uniar life. I don't need this. So respectfully, love that
30:52
Speaker 1: you guys are hooking up, love all of that for you,
30:54
Speaker 1: But I just am where I am. Can we just
30:57
Speaker 1: all respect where we're all at? Because I honestly think
31:00
Speaker 1: if these comments aren't being thrown out, oh you're a lesbian, aha,
31:03
Speaker 1: it's like, nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but I'm
31:05
Speaker 1: not because I'm not actually hooking up with girls. So like,
31:08
Speaker 1: your fucking judgment's flawed. Yeah, that's what I would say.
31:13
Speaker 1: I'd address the friends that would be, that would be
31:16
Speaker 1: where I begin, and after you've done that, and they
31:20
Speaker 1: should be receptive to it. They will be receptive. They
31:22
Speaker 1: might be a bit like but hurt, but they will
31:23
Speaker 1: be they'll be like, yeah, fuck, all right, we shouldn't
31:26
Speaker 1: make those comments. Then you might actually start to be like,
31:29
Speaker 1: all right, I feel a lot you know, I feel
31:32
Speaker 1: a lot better. You know, I've said what I needed
31:34
Speaker 1: to say. I don't need to prove anything to these
31:36
Speaker 1: people because I enjoy the fucking life that I'm leading.
31:39
Speaker 1: And then as far as like feeling unlovable and all
31:42
Speaker 1: of that, these are all They're all things that you
31:45
Speaker 1: are putting into your head because you have been comparing yourself.
31:48
Speaker 1: When that comparison starts to fade away, when you stop
31:51
Speaker 1: comparing yourself to other people, you're going to notice that
31:54
Speaker 1: you're not going to be feeling these feelings anymore, you know,
31:58
Speaker 1: and don't think that you know. For example, like I
32:02
Speaker 1: went traveling with my friend Bella like two years ago
32:07
Speaker 1: to Europe. We had a fucking ball that was so
32:08
Speaker 1: much fucking fun. But I can tell you ninety nine
32:11
Speaker 1: percent of the time, and I'm in a relationship, like
32:13
Speaker 1: I don't care, but nineteen nine percent of the time
32:16
Speaker 1: the men were it was bella, bella, bella, bella, bella.
32:19
Speaker 1: I got a fuck all attention except in Spain. I
32:21
Speaker 1: feel like the Spaniards liked me, but fuck all attention.
32:25
Speaker 1: And it's like I don't then think, oh my God,
32:30
Speaker 1: does this mean this? Does this mean that? Does this?
32:33
Speaker 1: I'm just like, I feel like Bella uses sex appeal
32:36
Speaker 1: and I fucking love that for her. That's kind of
32:38
Speaker 1: what it came down to for me. I just feel
32:40
Speaker 1: like she's just has this sexual appeal that's just more
32:44
Speaker 1: so than what I have to offer. And good on her,
32:46
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Like, don't think this
32:48
Speaker 1: means I'm unlovable? This means this. You might just be
32:51
Speaker 1: an Alexis that doesn't use that much sex appeal when
32:53
Speaker 1: you're walking down the streets of Rome. It's it's not
32:55
Speaker 1: a bad thing. So I feel like, I don't know.
32:58
Speaker 1: I just feel like you frame it how you want
33:01
Speaker 1: to frame it, and then you're gonna roll with it.
33:03
Speaker 1: So frame it in a way that works for you
33:05
Speaker 1: and roll with it and tell your friends to part
33:07
Speaker 1: the fuck down and relax. That's all for today, Love
33:11
Speaker 1: you guys so much. That is all for today's episode.
33:15
Speaker 1: If you do want to ask a listener question, then
33:17
Speaker 1: just write into info at DYFM pod or you can
33:20
Speaker 1: submit a voicemail on the website as well, which is
33:23
Speaker 1: www dot dyfmpod dot com. Love you guys. That is all.
33:28
Speaker 1: As always, remember be kind to yourself, be kind to
33:30
Speaker 1: your brain. Don't text it from anyone, and especially don't
33:32
Speaker 1: text it from yourself. Don't ca