Latest / The Humanistic Leader Podcast- Dr. Craig Nathanson / You Don’t Have to Fix Everything Today

Transcript

You Don’t Have to Fix Everything Today · The Humanistic Leader Podcast- Dr. Craig Nathanson

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  There are days when I wake up and before my feet even hit the floor,
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  my mind has already started working.
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  Something needs to be finished.
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  Someone needs an answer. There's an email I need to send. There's something
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  I've been thinking about that I still haven't figured out.
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  Maybe there's a decision I need to make. And somehow, before the day has even
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  begun, I've given myself an assignment. Fix it.
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  Fix a problem. Make the decision. Finish the work.
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  Figure out what happens next. And lately I've been wondering, why?
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  Why does everything have to be fixed today? Maybe it doesn't.
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  Maybe some things can simply remain unfinished for a while.
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  And maybe that isn't procrastination.
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  Maybe sometimes it's wisdom. I think many of us have become uncomfortable with unfinished things.
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  We like resolution. We like checking things off.
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  We like knowing what comes next. There's something satisfying about getting
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  to the end of the day And saying, okay, take care of that Solve that,
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  finish that I certainly understand that feeling You know, I write,
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  I teach, I work with people I have projects,
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  I have deadlines And I like making progress But life doesn't always cooperate
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  with our desire to finish things neatly Some problems take time Some decisions
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  aren't ready to be made Some conversations need to sit for a while,
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  Some questions don't have the answers yet And some things may never really be fixed at all.
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  I mentioned on this podcast how I, over the last few years, I've looked at this
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  huge palm tree outside my office window, and I kept getting impatient,
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  like, when is it going to grow another level?
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  And then one day, I looked at it and realized how large it had become.
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  And I realized also that I didn't
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  make it grow any faster by worrying or thinking about it or watching it.
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  So what I learned from that was that growth was happening the whole time.
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  And growth happens while you live your life. I think that's a beautiful thing to think about.
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  There's a strange thing related to this that we sometimes do when we care deeply about something.
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  We assume that because we care about it, we have to do something about it right now.
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  But those aren't the same thing. You could care about someone without solving their problems.
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  You can care about your work without finishing everything today.
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  You can care about your future without knowing exactly what it looks like.
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  You can care about yourself without constantly trying to improve yourself.
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  That last one might be the hardest, by the way, because we've gotten very good
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  at turning ourselves into projects.
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  Get healthier. Become more productive. Learn more. Exercise more. Accomplish more.
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  Be more patient. Be a better leader, be a better spouse, be a better parent, be a better person.
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  I mean, there's always some renovation project underway, it seems.
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  But what if every once in a while, we stop renovating?
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  What if we simply just lived in the house?
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  I think that's part of what this park bench has come to represent for me.
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  When you sit on a bench, you're not necessarily accomplishing anything.
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  You're not fixing the park.
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  You're not making the trees grow faster. And you're not organizing the clouds.
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  You're just sitting there, watching, thinking, maybe not thinking.
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  And somehow, while you're doing nothing to fix the world, the world keeps moving.
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  I've told this story when I decided to leave the corporate world On the last
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  day, last drive to the office I couldn't get out of the car My body wouldn't let me,
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  And the lesson I learned later after I decided to take a new direction in my life Was that,
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  the leaving wasn't the mistake for me Waiting too long was to leave.
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  So there are also things in life that simply, you know, can't be rushed.
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  You know, relationships are like that. Grief is like that.
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  Trust is like that. Finding your own direction is like that.
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  Sometimes even happiness is like that. We can create the conditions for these
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  things. We can pay attention to them.
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  We can nurture them, but we can't command them to arrive by,
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  you know, five o'clock because we like to cross them off our list.
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  And, you know, yet we try. We wrestle with things that may need more time than they need us.
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  And that's an important distinction. Does this problem need me right now?
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  Or does it just need some time?
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  I've had experiences in my own life where I wanted an answer immediately.
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  I wanted to know how something was going to turn out. I wanted to know whether
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  something I was working on was going to succeed.
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  I wanted some kind of reassurance that I was heading in the right direction.
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  And often there was sometimes No answer I just had to keep living I remember
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  years ago I heard from a student Who I had not,
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  Really heard from before And he told me That there was something That,
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  you know, years ago I said in the classroom That stuck with him And made a difference
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  in his life And I was, you know.
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  Humbled by that. And yet for me, it was a wonderful example of how many things
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  happen in our life, you know, that you're not able to see or control.
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  And maybe that's something we forget.
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  Not everything important gives us immediate feedback. You might do something kind today.
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  We may never know what it meant to someone. You might teach somebody something
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  and not know whether they heard you until years later.
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  You might plan something that grows when you're no longer watching.
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  You might be struggling with a decision right now and discover next week that
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  the answer becomes obvious.
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  Sometimes time does work that effort cannot. I like that idea.
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  Sometimes time does work that effort cannot.
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  Because it means I don't always have to be the doing the work.
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  And there's another part of this for me that I think matters.
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  Sometimes the thing that we're trying to fix is ourselves.
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  Maybe we're tired. Maybe we're uncertain.
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  Maybe we're not as motivated as usual. Maybe we're worried about something.
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  Maybe we're just having an ordinary bad day.
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  And immediately we start asking, what's wrong with me?
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  Well, maybe nothing is wrong with you. Maybe you're tired. Maybe you're disappointed.
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  Maybe you're human.
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  I think this is connected.
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  Because once we give ourselves permission to be tired, perhaps we could also
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  give ourselves permission not to have everything figured out right now.
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  Those are different kinds of rest. One is resting the body. The other is resting
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  from the constant demand for resolution.
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  I want you to think for a moment about something that you're carrying today.
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  Not the biggest problem in your life. Just something that keeps tapping you,
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  on the shoulder. You know, it could be a decision, conversation.
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  You know, something unfinished. Something you're waiting to hear about.
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  Or maybe just something you haven't figured out yet.
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  Now ask yourself a very simple question.
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  Does this actually have to be solved today? Maybe the answer is yes.
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  Some things do. But maybe the answer is no.
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  And if the answer is no What would happen if you put it down?
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  Not forever Just for today I know in my life I get impatient like everyone Waiting,
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  Get impatient waiting for something to resolve Or.
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  To give me a clear answer And as soon as I realize I don't need an answer today,
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  My perspective changes You know there's a phrase That we sometimes use I'm sure
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  you've heard of this sleep on it. Just sleep on it.
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  Maybe there's more wisdom in that little phrase than we realize.
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  Because sleeping on something isn't doing nothing. It's giving the mind room.
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  It's allowing emotion to settle. It's letting new information arrive.
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  It's admitting that the Craig who wakes up tomorrow morning might see something
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  that the Craig sitting here today cannot.
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  There's humility in that.
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  I don't have to know everything right now I don't have to decide everything
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  right now I don't have to finish everything right now And I certainly don't
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  have to fix everything right now,
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  So maybe that's our little experiment from the park bench this week Choose one
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  thing Go ahead and choose one thing Not ten things, just one,
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  Something you've been carrying around That doesn't actually require your attention
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  today And give yourself permission just to leave it unfinished Go for a walk,
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  Have dinner with someone you love Look at a tree Listen to music.
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  Sit somewhere quietly, or maybe sit on an actual park bench,
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  and allow the problem to exist without you working on it.
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  That might feel uncomfortable at first. That's okay.
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  Tomorrow, if it still needs you, you can pick it back up, but you may discover
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  something interesting.
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  Tomorrow, it might look differently to you, or you might look at it differently,
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  and sometimes that's enough.
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  So if you're sitting here with me today And there's something you've been trying
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  very hard to fix Problem, a relationship,
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  a decision Your work, your future And just maybe yourself What if you put it down for a little while?
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  It will still be there tomorrow if it needs you But for today,
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  you don't have to fix everything You really don't I'll see you next time From the Park Bench.