Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Nene- Soltera y sin hijos

Transcript

Nene- Soltera y sin hijos · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you, thank you, good night. Before I
• 0:22
  begin that I would like to know what the public today looks like the latest
• 0:25
  steps have been taken by the Government to get out of the crisis, so
• 0:29
  that we can get out of it that you found wrong. I think the
• 0:33
  last ones have sung to you. They' ve all sung to us,
• 0:35
  because I haven' t seen any complaints on the street, no demonstrations for
• 0:40
  this last measure that they thought they called it as between the league and the
• 0:43
  champion game. There are many days and with many days you have time to
• 0:46
  think. And if they think, they' ll get pissed off. If
• 0:48
  they get angry, they show up. If they show up, they get
• 0:50
  violent. And they get violent, they can bully us. If you fuck
• 0:53
  us, they' ll take us off the couch. If you don'
• 0:54
  t get off the couch, we stop living at the expense of those taxes.
• 0:56
  So you have to live from something and invent something to distract it.
• 1:00
  He goes over there and said it was too long and he said why better.
• 1:03
  We don' t put it the southern one. You' ve seen
• 1:10
  that it' s subsidized. Don' t tell me you don' t.
• 1:12
  That' s when I started freaking out about the crisis. I mean,
• 1:15
  we' re going down. We spent no time paying fifteen bucks for
• 1:18
  a gintonic to drink beer in buckets. Now start really freaking out the day
• 1:23
  you get to seal the arrest card and tell you his shots of Jagger maisterng.
• 1:30
  That' s where the thing goes down. Okay, the government'
• 1:38
  s invention very well, since they can' t offer you an indefinite contract.
• 1:41
  They offer you to be an alcoholic. Discontinuated those very cheap fat.
• 1:45
  Three euros a bucket very cheap. Very much I' ve seen Chinese buy
• 1:48
  beer in the normal Southern drunks is not that how you' re going to
• 1:56
  complain drunk, drunk, we don' t complain about anything. So with
• 1:57
  the first cube you heat up eh so with the second cube. The only
• 2:00
  thing you care about not getting caught eating fuet while you pay in the box
• 2:05
  pussy that with the third how you cross with a short latin dressed as a
• 2:07
  sailor. You say I sneak into a fucking communion you say I don'
• 2:14
  t know what you' re saying is not that I cut it in education
• 2:15
  look. I just studied a long time ago. Don' t make me
• 2:19
  choose between three euros a bucket of beer and you finish the race. Especially
• 2:23
  because we all know that going ten times to the South, you get validated
• 2:30
  journalism and if you owe yourself fifteen cubes, you are already ready to present
• 2:32
  sports four. I mean, I' m cool, I' m cool
• 2:38
  because you' re in the South, all the troubles are over. It
• 2:40
  ' s like moving you to Germany. You' ve figured it out in
• 2:45
  the back, you don' t care. It' s all right.
• 2:46
  You don' t care about your country' s problems, except for one
• 2:50
  thing that makes you remember that you' re still in Spain, and that
• 2:53
  ' s because they' ve tied the opener with a chain that' s
• 3:07
  like telling you they' re telling you to face take five bottles of glass,
• 3:08
  take a table. If you pay enough, you can wear a short
• 3:10
  latin dressed as a sailor, but if you want an opener, get yourself
• 3:16
  a job. Dude. We' ve been using the openers above our possibilities.
• 3:23
  That' s where I' d like to see this invention take it
• 3:27
  further and we could. I don' t know how to include it in
• 3:29
  the metric system, in the measurement system that we have now, to include
• 3:35
  the beer cube as a measure, especially to measure the shit that is in
• 3:38
  your life, that I tell you a partner aunt, yesterday I fucked the
• 3:42
  ugliest of work, but since it was ugly seven cubes. You love it
• 3:51
  because in the Southerns the two weaknesses of my life come together and they will
• 3:55
  be until I die the beer and you women. Yes, I am the
• 4:00
  weakness of my life, because I believe that you overcome man in many facets,
• 4:05
  in many not in all, in many, and I will give a
• 4:08
  couple of examples. Besides, you can check it out for yourself. Next
• 4:10
  time you' re walking through your various, there are two aunts speaking,
• 4:14
  please, come closer. There is pure philosophy there, there are lessons of
• 4:21
  life that, perhaps, they are speaking something transcendental of life or death.
• 4:26
  They' re haitiam because I' m not going to mess with a lot
• 4:30
  of guys in the neighborhood, because if I' m not going to start
• 4:33
  getting a bad name, they' re going to talk bad about me and
• 4:39
  it' s not a very good plan. That' s what I like
• 4:40
  about you guys. Not in plotting hours, if you mess with many or
• 4:43
  few not, if of those prejudiced ones, but I like that you evaluate
• 4:46
  the consequences and decide accordingly, because there is a guy in this case who
• 4:55
  thinks fuck if he was uncle is going to be more slutty. Are we
• 4:59
  like this? Yeah, we' re assholes like that? Another example?
• 5:03
  Another example. You have a couple, my friend Joya, we have a
• 5:06
  son. Ask him for my question the next time you agree with them,
• 5:10
  ask them to see what they prefer to be when Nazca says so I,
• 5:13
  you don' t care whether it' s a girl boy, you'
• 5:20
  re going to want it crazy we prefer a boy why you go for games.
• 5:25
  Yeah, well, if you have a kid or beans to throw at
• 5:27
  Hostia, you' re going to play it with chota football and that'
• 5:30
  s good. Oh, ma' am, that' s good. Hey,
• 5:32
  but if you have a little girl, the dumbest one in your whole
• 5:39
  gang will be every day of your life. We are yes, you can
• 5:50
  laugh because your boyfriend, your father, your brother has also said this when
• 5:54
  you were not at all ahead. Because actually, even if I don'
• 5:57
  t recognize him now, that' s a happy father, because a happy
• 6:01
  father tells me guys. He' s not one who wants a perfect daughter,
• 6:03
  who takes out two races and gets an honest and perfect family all her
• 6:09
  life. No. No, no, no, no, a father to
• 6:10
  be happy. What she wants is a daughter with no vagina, no holes
• 6:16
  to penetrate, that comes the day of childbirth the standard and I tell her
• 6:20
  you had this beautiful daughter, but she' s born without pussy mother fuck
• 6:26
  that turns eighteen the girl and I tell you, dad I' m leaving
• 6:29
  now I come I don' t care or I go on vacation with Mario.
• 6:34
  I' ll pay you. That' s a happy father, the
• 6:41
  problem is the day that comes to you with earache. No, no,
• 6:51
  what happened to him. You don' t see it as shit on your
• 6:55
  head. I told you hearing pain. The girl could have gone to the
• 7:00
  pool, she could have caught cold skiing, but you didn' t all
• 7:08
  go to shit, which I thought when I wrote this. So don'
• 7:12
  t stop looking at me weird. I' m super riéras that if for
• 7:15
  them, we dress has no more a look done, containing it in all
• 7:20
  the lights and let' s get out of here a look that I have
• 7:25
  seen And every thing why you worry uncle I explain it already, because the
• 7:27
  aunts know, all the tricks fell with clothes, everyone knows. I have
• 7:30
  learned some I have two sisters aim, guys, to see how it is
• 7:32
  girls, that the vertical stripe is not of the gazan and the horizontal ones
• 7:38
  make you fat yes, what white color you fatten, no, and black
• 7:42
  you thin. Which is what I think is the other way around. No.
• 7:44
  It' s not like that, no. No. It' s
• 7:45
  clearly the other way around. It' s the other way around. It
• 7:46
  ' s the other way around because you put a white man and a black
• 7:49
  man in balls. It' s clear that the white of the gazah and
• 7:51
  the black in Gorda. No. No, no, no, no,
• 7:55
  no, don' t laugh that if this were true stripes and colors,
• 7:58
  uh there would already be some guypavi side making up with white gifts, with
• 8:05
  horizontal stripes, since there' s no one working on that shit. I
• 8:09
  ' m cool. You have products that are more cool than ours. Guys.
• 8:13
  We' ve got some cool guys, but they' re not as
• 8:15
  cool as yours. There' s one that really catches my attention. Well,
• 8:16
  I' ll be longer. I' m going to ask directly.
• 8:18
  Some woman here, some woman present, has anti- rapist spri in her
• 8:22
  purse. No, it' s not to keep your face and then I
• 8:26
  don' t know how to cross it out. No. No, no,
• 8:30
  no, none. It' s something we comedians do. We hear
• 8:33
  about a subject, we turn it around and give it our point of view.
• 8:35
  No, and don' t think that if a woman has anti-
• 8:39
  rapist priya in her purse, that says a lot about her. You'
• 8:43
  ll clearly say she' s cautious. I say it' s pretentious.
• 8:52
  I mean, I mean. How good you have to believe that you are,
• 8:56
  how believed you have to be to be on a Saturday changing you in
• 9:01
  the mirror before you go out and saying uy, oy look, oy que
• 9:05
  pechitos. I still have a good look at the fa uy the east coming
• 9:07
  and the legs of the spinning how my shoes are stuck today is that smoke
• 9:11
  this ay I need an anti rapist spl because because yes, no, no,
• 9:18
  no, no, no, I don' t want with descent told
• 9:22
  me because if you' re ugly, you don' t have anti rapist
• 9:26
  sprey in your purse, because we all agree that the seers are criminals and
• 9:33
  psychopaths, but they' re guys and a guy is not going to throw
• 9:35
  twenty years in jail getting beat up and with his ass like that for having
• 9:39
  fucked each other and palm. Okay. There is also the truth that also
• 9:45
  exists of spriyantti blador for men is called brummel is. As I don'
• 9:54
  t tell you, science is cool. No, it' s not cool
• 9:56
  with science. They found out a Spry I threw at you. If they
• 10:01
  take away the desire of or, the desire of everything, we could not
• 10:05
  ask them one more step and invent a spry to throw it out and you
• 10:09
  will enter the desire of o. You' re telling me not to.
• 10:13
  How they' d change leisure nights, uh, guys, aunts, how
• 10:16
  they' d change Anda, what you' re gonna be here watching monologites.
• 10:20
  How is it that how cool you look, for example, you what
• 10:22
  your name is, Beatriz, is your boyfriend, no, uh, because
• 10:28
  you' re trying. Don' t imagine, Beatriz, that this nice
• 10:31
  boy is your boyfriend. And I, after acting out drunk, lost as
• 10:35
  most comedians end up, after recording in paramont commediy when I walk out the
• 10:37
  door, I approach you without any respect as a woman or by your partner
• 10:41
  ahead, Beatriz, I approach and I say amasa atrebtree. We' re
• 10:54
  going to Beatrice right now, right now, we' re not going to
• 11:01
  you and I' m going down there and I' m going to throw
• 11:09
  my parents out and I' m going to be all night practicing brains on
• 11:09
  anyone. I' m going to do Beatriz the question and in front of
• 11:13
  your boyfriend, it would be very simple, you, you would tell me
• 11:16
  that or not. Don' t wait for you in the car See how
• 11:24
  the nights would change See how they would change. I' m cool,
• 11:35
  I' m cool, I' m telling you, I' d like
• 11:41
  to be a woman, a woman, a single woman, no children,
• 11:43
  because I hate children. Okay, let' s be clear now and what
• 11:46
  I hate most of you, you' re these guys who go around so
• 11:50
  quiet saying like I love nothing kids two fucks I used to give you I
• 11:54
  love kids these people what if kids are shit people. No. No,
• 12:00
  no, but sometimes I' m saying I make us meet a kid.
• 12:03
  You can' t talk to him about anything in an argument. His arguments
• 12:07
  are not supported anywhere. They can go all day with shit. Stick your
• 12:11
  ass with the same face. What kind of people that fuck. I have
• 12:13
  friends so I don' t talk to them pussy that if I didn'
• 12:18
  t ex if there was hell, For me hell would be a huge pool
• 12:22
  of balls, with twenty thousand kids screaming and wheezing while supernani mesodomizes and a
• 12:31
  magician entertains them making colorful balloons, while the magician drops a tear thinking it
• 12:35
  ' s doing that shit like he has to pay his mortgage. And I
• 12:37
  hate them, especially because they remind me of the species shit that we humans
• 12:41
  are, which I don' t know how we' ve come to dominate
• 12:43
  the rest of the species on the planet. I' m telling you,
• 12:45
  I have no idea, because grown- ups have stuff, but babies are
• 12:48
  the worst shit in the world. Or I say it, not to see
• 12:50
  if I say something strange, to see if I have seen any documental of
• 12:52
  the two or national gographi and I have seen it yes, that goes out
• 12:54
  there, in the middle of African savannah, a fucking nu standing there with
• 12:58
  fifty degrees in the shade, I say to you a cool animal, an
• 13:01
  elephant and a lion. No. No, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:03
  no, no, no, no. He' s like the animal councilman.
• 13:05
  Is the baby giving birth there, the baby giving birth? In time
• 13:09
  the baby giving birth? And the second, second of birth, uh,
• 13:13
  the baby' s already on his feet, ready to fend for himself a
• 13:16
  fucking child up to the age of seven. You' ve got to hide
• 13:20
  the bleach from him because Asshole goes to babies. No, no, no,
• 13:22
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:26
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:28
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:31
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:35
  no, no, no, no, no, That' s what we
• 13:35
  ' re talking about, like, a good nail and a gypsy baby,
• 13:48
  the others, the others. Okay. There' s some gypsy oy ay
• 13:52
  in Joe. There' s no racist today in joy No one' s
• 14:03
  normal They' re usually very shy. They don' t raise their hands.
• 14:07
  You don' t think racism is one of the most hateful feelings a
• 14:11
  human being can have to hate another person or to be born on the other
• 14:16
  side of a line or by another skin color. I couldn' t hate
• 14:18
  anyone like that. I couldn' t tell someone something because of the pinna
• 14:22
  color. I couldn' t tell a nigger I hate him for his skin
• 14:24
  color. I would find it fatal, especially because these people know that they
• 14:28
  are superior to us and I could kill myself then if I would allow myself
• 14:37
  to hate the gypsies, Yes, because I respect racism when it is out
• 14:41
  of envy towards another race, because they are superior to you, because I
• 14:45
  would choose the gypsies to hate because they are superior to us. They have
• 14:46
  a lot of power, that is to say, the civil guard will stop
• 14:50
  you, and the civil guard will be more afraid than you. Is that
• 14:56
  power? That' s why you have to stick to visiting hours and they
• 15:00
  can mount a flamenco tablao in the waiting room. Is that power? But
• 15:07
  speaking of power, there you are You have one of the most powerful weapons
• 15:13
  in history, one of the most powerful weapons mankind has ever created, which
• 15:16
  is none other than the vagina. Yeah, like you don' t imagine
• 15:24
  a very powerful weapon, very powerful, that' s the day you really
• 15:28
  set out to use your vagina to dominate the world. I' m laughing
• 15:31
  at vagina destruction weapons. I say more, if it goes, no,
• 15:35
  no, it' s not that it' s a perfect weapon, so
• 15:41
  destructive, so beautiful as well but so destructive. No government will ever be
• 15:46
  able to design a weapon with that capacity to create life and fuck it up
• 15:54
  at the same time, I would really love to also see it as superior.
• 15:58
  I would say a country just because it has more vaginas than mine.
• 16:04
  Yes, you have a very powerful weapon and I don' t want feminist
• 16:07
  bastards. Okay. I don' t think feminist bastards in other things,
• 16:08
  because feminism was invented by men to convince you that everything had to be achieved
• 16:11
  through work, intelligence and sacrifice, when we used force throughout history. Take
• 16:18
  a look at the guy you have next door right now, all the girls
• 16:21
  of it and take a look at the guy you have next door? Please,
• 16:22
  look at him, look at him, please, you know him or
• 16:26
  not, look at him, imagine the naked right now, yes, do
• 16:32
  it, and keep looking at him imagine the naked, start thinking how,
• 16:36
  if it wasn' t with force, how we convinced you to be the
• 16:38
  ones you are. You' ll have to wax and make- up.
• 16:42
  That only allowed one man by force. You have a guerrilla down there Bua,
• 16:48
  you have a cheguevara Well, if you do the laser, you have
• 16:55
  a very angry Buddha. If Rambo had Gina, they had only recorded the
• 17:00
  first one. I tell you, I don' t believe in heaven or
• 17:07
  hell. But if there was a sky, for me, the gates of
• 17:12
  heaven would be like a huge vagina with two giant snooze lips at the door,
• 17:22
  that would open up just so that you could get in while each and
• 17:27
  every part of your body is rubbed on you and you' ll end up
• 17:33
  dangling with some sort of heavenly flow smelling of wet dirt and that once you
• 17:40
  ' re inside your quilted ground, you' ll only feel an orgasm every
• 17:45
  time you step in and that paradise of pleasure just get to the summun the
• 17:51
  time you raise your head and say fuck. If there' s a southern
• 17:52
  ja here too. That' s apart. There' s something I can
• 18:07
  ' t do. The southern one that I told you is because we are
• 18:08
  in crisis, but above all the recognized one has personal crisis. I'
• 18:14
  m a shit person, especially because I' ve invented one thing now to
• 18:18
  help others, which is that when someone needs help to the best in a
• 18:22
  very distant country, I' ve thought of going rounding up plugs that you
• 18:32
  say fuck and it' s fucked because you say okay I' m helping
• 18:36
  him, but it' s with my garbage you know it' s an
• 18:37
  idea that I' ve thought of pretty fucked up, because it' s
• 18:42
  my crap that you say oysters is that you don' t know how,
• 18:42
  how to feel. You' re not roaring trash to help someone else they
• 18:47
  call you good, it' s that to help this kid you have to
• 18:49
  give him your iPhone. You say listen to the Nokia that I have in
• 18:53
  my drawer, they can give him a wheelchair and I' m cool because
• 19:00
  because you' ve heard that about the plugs that I' ve put in
• 19:03
  fashion I love because now I don' t have to feel good about my
• 19:06
  conscience anymore, I don' t have to pay doctors without borders or Greenpeace
• 19:10
  to feel good. I just have to go on a boat and be very
• 19:12
  attentive when it' s over, you know you say good. I'
• 19:18
  m helping, but of course I feel regular is contradictory. I' m
• 19:21
  helping out with my crap you don' t know and feeling bad I don
• 19:26
  ' t know how you kill a dolphin to kiss you say. You don
• 19:29
  ' t know how to fucking feel about this. And the good news is,
• 19:32
  if there' s anyone worse than me, it' s that mad
• 19:37
  doctor who doesn' t know which western country, in his madness and abundance
• 19:42
  of money, came one day who said no to operate on this kid.
• 19:45
  I don' t want money. My fucking mad metapons will be worth a
• 19:53
  hundred thousand just plugs He' ll be able to operate the child for less
• 20:00
  He' ll count them there in the Kirophane ninety- nine thousand nine hundred
• 20:04
  ninety- eight nine thousand nine hundred doctor. You' ve already lost me,
• 20:07
  one, two, three, four. I don' t love who
• 20:21
  gathers around here. You get a meeting, you put some to help none
• 20:25
  of you are supportive of yourself, yes, you are, but how,
• 20:30
  how I also worth it, but to see how our commitment to solidarity and
• 20:33
  to this child is. You, when you buy the supermarket bottle, you
• 20:37
  spend it first and then you give the cap, how I do yes,
• 20:41
  not sure, that' s our level of commitment. Oh, yeah.
• 20:45
  If we were really engaged to that kid, just buy the bottle, that
• 20:48
  is, before we even left the supermarket, we would have already removed it
• 20:52
  and donated it. But what the hell that kid' s operation can wait
• 20:55
  for,' cause you and I want to drink the coke tail with gas
• 20:57
  to do that. So, before we finish, he left again one of
• 21:07
  the reflections that my family has governed us for all our lives and that is
• 21:12
  to laugh at the problems however dramatic and stupid they are of anything. For
• 21:18
  example, we will always have the bright side to everything to see. I
• 21:21
  have a cousin who was born with crystal bone disease. You know what it
• 21:25
  is. Yeah, well, we prefer to think that my Aunt God has
• 21:30
  given a child from Sbaroski and don' t impose that face on me because
• 21:40
  your fucking fault is the house full of plugs. It' s been a
• 21:44
  pleasure being here. Thank you so much. Thank you.