Latest / Marriage Life and More and Bible Study / 6 Misconceptions About Boundaries in Marriage - 235

Transcript

6 Misconceptions About Boundaries in Marriage - 235 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

• 0:05
  Michelle Moore: I want to kind of go back to that where we were talking about saying no to disrespect or burnout is not self-centered, it's a way of caring for your emotional, physical and spiritual health so you can love better.
• 0:15
  Michelle Moore: I think a lot of times you know, as husband and wife in ministry you have to be careful with that because you do have to say no at some point, because you can get to the point where you're serving or you're doing this and you're doing that and you can get burned out.
• 0:32
  Michelle Moore: And I think that you know, just reading that of knowing that it's not self-centered, I mean, helps me tremendously, you know, because some people like Dan can say, like he said earlier, I think on our last episode, some people can serve, serve, serve, serve and then not affect them at all, while others they can serve but they can over-serve and it's detrimental on the inside where you don't recognize it.
• 0:58
  Michelle Moore: But I think sometimes I like the fact that if your spouse or something like that you can love better, if you have to say no and it's not self-centered.
• 1:10
  Daniel Moore: This week on Marriage Life and More.
• 1:12
  Daniel Moore: We're going to be talking about misconceptions with boundaries in marriage.
• 1:16
  Daniel Moore: We'll be back to get into that right after this.
• 1:19
  Daniel Moore: Thank you, welcome to Marriage Life and More.
• 1:54
  Daniel Moore: This is a podcast about marriage, bible and book studies.
• 1:57
  Daniel Moore: We interview people with inspiring stories.
• 1:59
  Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host, my wife Michelle Moore, over here hey, hey, beautiful co-host with me this week as we're going to go through another episode here.
• 2:05
  Daniel Moore: Thank you, guys for joining us.
• 2:07
  Daniel Moore: If you're not familiar with our show, you can check out our website at wwwmarriagelifeandmoorecom.
• 2:12
  Daniel Moore: Our platforms are there YouTube and Rumble links.
• 2:15
  Daniel Moore: We're also on the Christian podcasting app, edify, and on your Alexa and Google smart devices.
• 2:20
  Daniel Moore: You can also visit us on social, on Facebook X and Instagram, at ctgaponline.
• 2:25
  Daniel Moore: If you're a fan of our show, please subscribe.
• 2:28
  Daniel Moore: Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms, give us a thumbs up or a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, and we'd be grateful to you for doing that.
• 2:37
  Daniel Moore: Well, last week we started talking about boundaries in marriage, and we went through a lot of definitions last week of different types of boundaries that are usually put into place in a biblical marriage emotional, physical, spiritual and relational.
• 2:51
  Daniel Moore: So if you haven't listened to that episode.
• 2:53
  Daniel Moore: You might want to go back and check that out before you start out this week's episode.
• 2:57
  Daniel Moore: This week we're going to continue on deeper into that conversation on boundaries and this week we'll be talking about misconceptions about boundaries in marriage.
• 3:07
  Daniel Moore: So as we get started this week talking about boundaries, the first question we want to ask, I guess, is why do many couples avoid setting boundaries?
• 3:25
  Daniel Moore: Well, many couples avoid setting boundaries in marriage because they fear it's going to create conflict, seem unloving or make them appear selfish.
• 3:33
  Daniel Moore: Some worry that expressing needs or limits will upset their spouse or damage their relationship, so they stay silent to keep the peace.
• 3:40
  Daniel Moore: But that peace is often temporary and just surface level.
• 3:44
  Daniel Moore: Others may not even realize boundaries are healthy.
• 3:48
  Daniel Moore: They confuse boundaries with emotional walls or rejection, especially if they grew up in homes where their needs weren't respected.
• 3:55
  Daniel Moore: In some cases one spouse may feel guilty for asserting themselves, especially if they were taught that love means always giving in or sacrificing.
• 4:03
  Daniel Moore: Unfortunately, avoiding boundaries often leads to resentment, burnout and disconnection, because unspoken expectations and repeated violations of emotional or relational space quietly erodes trust and intimacy over time.
• 4:20
  Daniel Moore: So the second question we have this week as we start can boundaries exist in a loving, selfless marriage?
• 4:25
  Daniel Moore: Yes, boundaries can and actually they absolutely should exist in a marriage.
• 4:31
  Daniel Moore: They should exist in a loving, selfless marriage, because they are not about keeping love out, they are about protecting it.
• 4:38
  Daniel Moore: A truly selfless marriage doesn't mean ignoring your own needs or allowing harmful behavior.
• 4:43
  Daniel Moore: It means loving your spouse in a way that honors both of you as whole, respected individuals.
• 4:49
  Daniel Moore: Boundaries help define what is healthy, respectful and safe within the relationship, which creates space for trust, vulnerability and deeper connection to grow.
• 4:59
  Daniel Moore: Far from being barriers to love, boundaries are actually a form of love.
• 5:04
  Daniel Moore: They say that I care about us enough to be honest about what I need and to respect what you need too.
• 5:12
  Daniel Moore: In this way, boundaries support, not hinder, a selfless, christ-centered marriage.
• 5:19
  Daniel Moore: So I know, as we talk about boundaries, a lot of people like to probably cringe when they hear that word because they just don't look at boundaries.
• 5:25
  Daniel Moore: I don't think to probably cringe when they hear that word because they just don't look at boundaries.
• 5:26
  Daniel Moore: I don't think in a way that they probably should.
• 5:28
  Daniel Moore: You know, a lot of people they misunderstand boundaries.
• 5:31
  Daniel Moore: They assume that they're signs of rejection or selfishness or even emotional distance.
• 5:37
  Daniel Moore: But in reality, healthy boundaries strengthen a marriage because they protect intimacy, respect and emotional safety.
• 5:44
  Daniel Moore: So we're going to talk about a few misconceptions here this week about boundaries in marriage and the truths that connect those together.
• 5:53
  Daniel Moore: So the very first misconception here that we're going to talk about and this is probably one of the biggest things that people think about boundaries whenever they think about putting a boundary in place, they look at it as a wall, and so the very first misconception here is that boundaries are walls that keep my spouse out.
• 6:16
  Michelle Moore: Why don't you give us the truth on that one?
• 6:17
  Michelle Moore: Boundaries are not walls, they're doors with doorknobs on the inside.
• 6:19
  Michelle Moore: Healthy boundaries don't shut your spouse out, they invite in.
• 6:23
  Michelle Moore: Boundaries don't shut your spouse out, they invite in safe, respectful connection.
• 6:26
  Michelle Moore: While say stay away forever, boundaries say here's how we can connect in a way that honors both of us.
• 6:35
  Michelle Moore: For example, setting a boundary like I need 20 minutes to cool off before we talk isn't shutting your spouse out.
• 6:43
  Michelle Moore: It's protecting the conversation from becoming hurtful.
• 6:46
  Michelle Moore: That's so good.
• 6:48
  Daniel Moore: Have you ever felt like that a boundary was a wall in our relationship?
• 6:51
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, I did, and when we first got married, it definitely was.
• 6:54
  Michelle Moore: And you know, as we were talking about this, boundaries didn't even I mean for me, I never even thought of a boundary, to be quite honest.
• 7:08
  Michelle Moore: I mean, as we talk about boundaries like last week, this week, we're talking about next week just this is just not something that I really thought much about until later on in our marriage, which is a healthy thing to learn about at the very beginning, to be actually honest.
• 7:26
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, well, the biggest thing is when you look at a boundary like a wall versus just a boundary.
• 7:31
  Daniel Moore: That's there for a safe reason is, whenever you actually have a wall in place, you end up like we did at one point in our marriage, because that wall was put there to completely create a division between me and you for a reason.
• 7:45
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know there were things that I did not want you to know about me.
• 7:48
  Daniel Moore: There were things I did not want to be honest with you about.
• 7:51
  Michelle Moore: Same here.
• 7:52
  Daniel Moore: In communication Same and you had the same issues on your side of the wall.
• 7:55
  Daniel Moore: And so here, at the very beginning, you described boundaries as doors with doorknobs on the inside.
• 8:03
  Daniel Moore: Describe boundaries as doors with doorknobs on the inside, and that's a very significant thing to say, because what that actually is speaking is I have this boundary in place because this is my safety mechanism, right, this is my safe space.
• 8:15
  Daniel Moore: It's not because that I'm locking you out, right.
• 8:17
  Daniel Moore: But when I'm ready and I'm wanting to go ahead and communicate through this and figure this issue out or the situation, I will open that door and then we will usher in this communication back and forth to resolve and come to a resolution to this issue.
• 8:33
  Michelle Moore: I was thinking of, you know, when I was reading this, boundaries are Walls that Keep my Spouse Out.
• 8:37
  Michelle Moore: It reminds me of a time where I was like reading a book where Havilah Cunnington was talking about and I can't remember if it was a book or if it was just a study that she did online but she talked about gates, and the gates was well, actually a gate.
• 8:55
  Michelle Moore: A gate was to her backyard.
• 8:57
  Michelle Moore: She allowed anybody to come through that back gate when she opened the gate.
• 9:02
  Michelle Moore: Otherwise, she didn't let anybody in.
• 9:04
  Michelle Moore: It was her boundary, and I learned so much through that because we were going through a situation with some family members, our kids, and you know, sometimes you have to set those boundaries and you have to shut that gate and it's healthy.
• 9:22
  Michelle Moore: It's healthy for the person that opens a gate and shuts the gate, and I think that is the same as a marriage.
• 9:28
  Michelle Moore: You know you have that boundary that you have to do, and so anytime I hear anyone talk about boundaries, I automatically go to my gate like am I allowing my gate to be open to this?
• 9:40
  Michelle Moore: Or if I'm shutting my gate?
• 9:42
  Michelle Moore: Because if I shut my gate, I'm not going to allow it to affect me whatsoever and it's not going to go there, but if'm shutting my gate, because if I shut my gate I'm not going to allow it to affect me whatsoever and it's not going to go there.
• 9:47
  Michelle Moore: But if I open my gate then I feel safe, I feel secure with this being allowed to come into my backyard.
• 9:55
  Daniel Moore: And.
• 9:55
  Michelle Moore: I'm going to allow it to be in my backyard, but that doesn't mean at some point in time that person may end up back out on my gate.
• 10:02
  Michelle Moore: So it's protecting yourself, and the same thing in marriage you have to.
• 10:08
  Michelle Moore: You know you do have to protect it, but you have to be.
• 10:12
  Michelle Moore: It's not a wall for you just to block everything out, Because, again, that's what you did.
• 10:19
  Michelle Moore: That's what I did and you just can't do that.
• 10:22
  Michelle Moore: You have to be able to allow someone in that space, especially it's your spouse, but it has to be a safe space.
• 10:30
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, when you was talking about that situation, that happened in our family when that gate was closed.
• 10:35
  Daniel Moore: Look what happened Over time.
• 10:37
  Daniel Moore: It actually resolved itself.
• 10:39
  Daniel Moore: You know, we we got to a point where we were able to communicate.
• 10:42
  Michelle Moore: I mean God was when I shut that gate.
• 10:44
  Michelle Moore: I mean God, god took care of it.
• 10:46
  Michelle Moore: It wasn't like it wasn't immediately.
• 10:48
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, it took several months.
• 10:50
  Michelle Moore: Yes.
• 10:51
  Daniel Moore: But it still came back around.
• 10:52
  Michelle Moore: But I knew.
• 10:53
  Michelle Moore: I knew I had to shut that gate.
• 10:56
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know, and so just always keep in your mind.
• 11:02
  Daniel Moore: You know, whenever situations come up that triggers you, that automatically wants you to shut down and automatically wants you to quit communicating with that person, just make sure that you're not building a wall situation and start opening that door for God to come in and start doing what he's going to do in that to help you get ready for when that time comes, that you can open that door from the inside with your doorknob and you can allow that situation to come back in.
• 11:34
  Daniel Moore: At that point you can discuss it, hopefully in a safe manner, with that person and come to a resolution.
• 11:40
  Michelle Moore: Well, I like the fact that it said you know setting the boundary.
• 11:43
  Michelle Moore: Like I need 20 minutes to cool off one communication and a boundary lets you know, hey, I need some time, let me cool off that communication.
• 11:57
  Michelle Moore: Communication plays such a big part.
• 12:00
  Michelle Moore: Comes back into everything, oh yes, all the way.
• 12:03
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, can't be married without communication.
• 12:05
  Michelle Moore: I guess it's just impossible.
• 12:08
  Daniel Moore: It's very, and even if it is possible, it's very difficult, yeah, if it's not there.
• 12:12
  Daniel Moore: So that's the first misconception that we just want to blow out of the water here is that boundaries, they're not a wall.
• 12:19
  Daniel Moore: They shouldn't be a wall.
• 12:21
  Daniel Moore: You might be making it a wall, but you should not be doing that.
• 12:23
  Daniel Moore: That is correct and make sure that you keep that as as Michelle described it.
• 12:27
  Daniel Moore: I like how that analogy was, you know, as a gate and where it's just as a door.
• 12:32
  Daniel Moore: However you want to look at that, make sure you keep it that way so that way, when the time comes, you can resolve that conflict and that issue and take care of that.
• 12:47
  Daniel Moore: So the second misconception here about boundaries is that they're selfish Boundaries.
• 12:57
  Daniel Moore: In truth, they are actually stewardship.
• 13:00
  Daniel Moore: They're not really selfishness.
• 13:02
  Daniel Moore: Saying no to disrespect or burnout is not self-centered.
• 13:06
  Daniel Moore: It's a way of caring for your emotional, physical and spiritual health so that you can love better.
• 13:11
  Daniel Moore: Jesus set boundaries regularly.
• 13:13
  Daniel Moore: He withdrew from crowds, he said no to demands and didn't let others define his mission.
• 13:18
  Daniel Moore: Boundaries are actually a Christ-like act of love and clarity.
• 13:22
  Daniel Moore: They are not selfishness.
• 13:29
  Michelle Moore: And what's funny is Havla, and I think that's the reason why the gate thing has always stuck with me is because exactly how Jesus set boundaries, you know, and that's biblical.
• 13:36
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, it is very biblical.
• 13:38
  Daniel Moore: But you know, when you start setting up a boundary to a situation where another person is involved, you know, more often than not that person on the other side of that door does probably look at it like you're being selfish because you just don't, you don't want to enter into this conflict right now.
• 13:55
  Daniel Moore: It's all about you, it's all being centered around you.
• 13:59
  Daniel Moore: But in all reality, just remember, as spouses, if you guys have a disagreement or you have a situation that comes up that might cause some conflict, where one of the spouses has to step back for a moment and put up that barrier temporarily at the very upset and everything, you still need to understand each other enough to make sure that you give that space and, honestly, both of you at that point really need to be setting up a boundary.
• 14:32
  Daniel Moore: At that point it shouldn't just be one spouse setting the boundary, because both sides of that need to have a boundary there to make sure that you don't overstep each other's space.
• 14:42
  Daniel Moore: And you know, even in marriage ministry this is something that with our marriage ministry that we're involved in there's a model that's used in that and basically it's kind of sort of the way that you're talking about the gate in your backyard, but each spouse has their own yard and then you also have your own safe space and you don't cross into the shared yard until each of you are ready and available to do that in a safe manner.
• 15:12
  Daniel Moore: Then you cross over into the shared spaces.
• 15:15
  Michelle Moore: And one can't pull the other one into it.
• 15:17
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 15:17
  Daniel Moore: It has to be a mutual agreement between both parties, and that's how you have a safe marriage, that where you can cohabit and love each other unconditionally, like you should, and resolve conflicts.
• 15:29
  Michelle Moore: And not only in that.
• 15:31
  Michelle Moore: When they're in their yards they are focusing and working.
• 15:34
  Michelle Moore: I wouldn't say focusing, but they are working on themselves with the relationship with Christ, because Christ is at the top.
• 15:40
  Michelle Moore: So when you're completely worked in with God, then you come down into that yard and you are both filled with love with Christ.
• 15:49
  Michelle Moore: That the fact that you can work through those and see the other person's point whether you guys agree or not, you can work through those issues.
• 15:57
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and if you see that model, I'm glad you brought that up because that model is represented by circles.
• 16:04
  Daniel Moore: So the husband has a circle, the spouse has a circle, the yard in the middle is a piece of each circle circle and then a space in between where you both would cross into when you come into it equally, and God's circle is in all of those circles.
• 16:18
  Daniel Moore: His crosses over into every aspect of that relationship.
• 16:23
  Michelle Moore: It's a great model.
• 16:24
  Daniel Moore: Really neat when you see that it gives you a whole different outlook and aspect on marriage and how boundaries should work.
• 16:30
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and how they should work in a consistent way.
• 16:33
  Daniel Moore: So when your spouse is setting up a boundary, don't automatically fly off on the.
• 16:38
  Daniel Moore: You're just being selfish tangent, because that's not really.
• 16:42
  Daniel Moore: It might be a case in some situations if it's an ungodly type of marriage where God's not in the middle of it, but if you guys are allowing God in there, there shouldn't be any selfishness involved with that.
• 16:54
  Michelle Moore: I want to kind of go back to that where we were talking about saying no to disrespect or burnout is not self-centered, it's a way of caring for your emotional, physical and spiritual health so you can love better.
• 17:05
  Michelle Moore: I think a lot of times you know, as husband and wife in ministry you have to be careful with that because you do have to say no at some point, because you can get to the point where you're serving or you're doing this and you're doing that and you can get burned out.
• 17:21
  Michelle Moore: And I think that you know, just reading that of knowing that it's not self-centered, I mean, helps me tremendously, you know, because some people like Dan can say, like he said earlier I think on our last episode, some people can serve, serve, serve, serve and then not affect them at all.
• 17:37
  Michelle Moore: Why others they can serve but they can over serve and you know it's detrimental on the inside where you know you don't recognize it.
• 17:47
  Michelle Moore: But I think sometimes I like the fact that if your spouse or something like that, you can love better, if you have to say no and it's not self-centered.
• 17:58
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 17:58
  Daniel Moore: I really really like that.
• 18:00
  Daniel Moore: When you're consumed with everything else around you, you don't leave that space to love each other.
• 18:04
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 18:05
  Daniel Moore: If you can keep all of that stuff from consuming you, that leaves room for that love to operate.
• 18:09
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, sorry people, I had to do that.
• 18:14
  Michelle Moore: Dan and I are having a day trying to record.
• 18:21
  Michelle Moore: This has just been so funny.
• 18:23
  Michelle Moore: We had our dog spark earlier, but that's probably going to be cut out, but we just, you know we'll leave the motorcycle in there you're gonna hear me say that, but I just like the fact of that because I think sometimes you know you have to go back to the yard, you have to work on yourself.
• 18:39
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 18:41
  Michelle Moore: And if you're over serving and you're not taking care of yourself and your internal relationship with Christ, you know it's going to reflect in your marriage as well.
• 18:51
  Michelle Moore: You know you may be short with someone or you're short with your husband or something.
• 18:55
  Michelle Moore: You need to pay attention to that and I think sometimes we love God and we want to be doing things for God, that you have to be careful with that and sometimes, setting that boundary, you have to remember you're not being selfish and you're not going to let that person down that you're serving for or anything like that or what you're doing, because you have to take care of your internal self.
• 19:20
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:21
  Daniel Moore: And there's a lot of marriage.
• 19:23
  Daniel Moore: There's marriages out there that have fell apart, even with pastors, because they poured everything into their church and their congregation and neglected their marriage.
• 19:31
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and you would think, if somebody's serving God in that way, how could they ever have that happen?
• 19:36
  Daniel Moore: But it happens.
• 19:37
  Michelle Moore: It does happen.
• 19:38
  Daniel Moore: It does.
• 19:38
  Daniel Moore: You have to be careful with that.
• 19:39
  Daniel Moore: The third misconception if I love someone, I shouldn't need boundaries.
• 19:45
  Daniel Moore: So tell us about that one.
• 19:49
  Michelle Moore: The truth is, love without boundaries becomes enabling, codependent or even harmful.
• 19:54
  Michelle Moore: True love includes truth and grace.
• 19:58
  Michelle Moore: Setting boundaries like please don't yell at me when we argue is not unloving.
• 20:05
  Michelle Moore: It's inviting healthier communication.
• 20:08
  Michelle Moore: Without boundaries, one spouse can begin to dominate or disrespect the other without realizing it and damaging the relationship.
• 20:17
  Michelle Moore: Boy, I go back to the earlier years of our marriage.
• 20:20
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, and this really explains it.
• 20:24
  Michelle Moore: Like you know, we are.
• 20:26
  Michelle Moore: We yelled at each other at times and um it.
• 20:29
  Michelle Moore: It isn't when it says please don't yell at me when we argue is not unloving yeah we weren't in a healthy boundary marriage at all.
• 20:41
  Michelle Moore: So yelling at you was me like this is what I have to say.
• 20:45
  Michelle Moore: You're gonna.
• 20:46
  Michelle Moore: You're gonna take what I have to say and this is gonna be my way, or the highway yeah so I really like the fact it's inviting healthier communication, which we don't do now.
• 20:56
  Michelle Moore: But yeah.
• 20:57
  Michelle Moore: I can't remember the last time we've yelled at each other.
• 21:00
  Daniel Moore: It's been a long time, thank goodness.
• 21:01
  Daniel Moore: I don't want you punching me.
• 21:05
  Michelle Moore: Hey, I didn't say that.
• 21:07
  Michelle Moore: Listen to him.
• 21:08
  Michelle Moore: I had to get you on that one.
• 21:09
  Michelle Moore: Oh, you did.
• 21:12
  Daniel Moore: That was a good one.
• 21:12
  Daniel Moore: That was a good one.
• 21:13
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, we have to remember that even because we have a deep love for each other does not mean that we're never going to have an argument.
• 21:19
  Michelle Moore: That's right.
• 21:19
  Daniel Moore: I mean it is very possible for some day for something to happen.
• 21:23
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and with the pressures of life, the pressures of family, work, whatever it may be, everybody deals with that, and we do disagree.
• 21:31
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and we have disagreements, and sometimes disagreements can get elevated, yes, and you can raise your voices.
• 21:37
  Daniel Moore: You can say some snippy things that you regret later.
• 21:40
  Daniel Moore: So just because you are fully madly in love with somebody, don't take that as a as to say that, oh, because of that, I don't have to set a boundary with you, because we're still human.
• 21:52
  Daniel Moore: It doesn't matter how much we love each other, we still have those human instincts and those human attributes, and there are days that we're going to wake up on the wrong side of the bed and something's going to flip that trigger and it's going to be a bad day.
• 22:03
  Daniel Moore: And so you have to always make sure that you conscientiously keep those boundaries in place so that when that does happen, then you have a process of how to process all of that through and then get together with the communication once you're both ready, and fix that problem and not let it go on all day long.
• 22:21
  Aria: Right.
• 22:21
  Daniel Moore: And so you know, love does it be in truth and grace.
• 22:26
  Daniel Moore: That's so true with love, because if we truly love someone, then we're going to be truthful and upfront and honest with that person, yes, and then we're also going to give them the most grace, because that's the person that we love the most in our life, you know, besides God, and so we should have the most abundance of grace for our spouse over anyone, to make sure that that relationship stays where it should be.
• 22:48
  Daniel Moore: So if you're one of these couples that's just so madly in love and you drool over each other all the time, and you know you've probably just been married a year and you haven't figured it all out yet, because Still need those boundaries yeah you still need those boundaries in place and just make sure that they're good, healthy ones.
• 23:05
  Daniel Moore: biblically, the fourth misconception if we need boundaries, our marriage must be weak, and I can see people thinking that, but the truth of it is all.
• 23:25
  Daniel Moore: Healthy marriages require boundaries, even the strong ones, and especially the strong ones.
• 23:30
  Daniel Moore: Boundaries are sign of maturity, not weakness.
• 23:34
  Daniel Moore: They show that both partners are willing to communicate honestly, take responsibility for their actions and respect each other's needs.
• 23:40
  Daniel Moore: The absence of boundaries often leads to confusion, resentment or burnout, while the presence of boundaries fosters truth and peace.
• 23:48
  Daniel Moore: And this one here, I think, is so good especially from a guy's side of things.
• 23:55
  Daniel Moore: You know, when we look at love, we look at marriage and that kind of thing, a lot of guys are more on the manly side of things.
• 24:01
  Daniel Moore: They're like I don't need no boundaries, we've done, we're going to be a man, we'll figure this stuff out, you know.
• 24:05
  Daniel Moore: And we want to come in like a bullet Like not reading directions.
• 24:08
  Daniel Moore: Exactly so this would be.
• 24:12
  Daniel Moore: You know something that we as men even have to remember that just because we love our spouses and give into the womanly thing sometimes, or whatever you want to describe that doesn't mean we're weak.
• 24:23
  Daniel Moore: We give up our man card, and that means nothing like that at all.
• 24:26
  Daniel Moore: In all reality, michelle is thankful that I have my boundaries in place, just as I am she has hers in place, because it does.
• 24:35
  Daniel Moore: It shows that we're both willing to work on our marriages, regardless of what may come up.
• 24:39
  Daniel Moore: We have those things in place to make sure that if issues happen, we can work through those.
• 24:46
  Daniel Moore: Even just from the aspect of looking at it from the outside, that I'm glad that you have a boundary in place that's not going to allow something to come in and wreck our marriage because of something I say or do, and I think you look at it the same way from the other side.
• 25:02
  Daniel Moore: So it shows that we are being intentional in our marriage.
• 25:07
  Daniel Moore: We are intentionally trying to make sure that those things are in place so that we don't resent each other in the long run.
• 25:13
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 25:14
  Daniel Moore: Or we don't have confusion in what we both think, or whatever.
• 25:17
  Daniel Moore: We're on the same page with everything that's going on within our relationship, our family and our home and we're not getting burned out on each other.
• 25:23
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, because in a marriage, that's the last thing you want to happen, is that burnout.
• 25:28
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 25:28
  Daniel Moore: You're living together the rest of your life, so you have to make sure you understand how to keep this together, and so I think that whenever we have these boundaries in place, then you know that does.
• 25:39
  Daniel Moore: It creates that space of trust where I can trust you, you can trust me that we're going to handle things the way we should, and then that keeps the peace in our home.
• 25:48
  Michelle Moore: So, good.
• 25:49
  Daniel Moore: So the number five misconception boundaries mean I don't trust my spouse.
• 25:54
  Daniel Moore: What's the truth on that one?
• 25:57
  Michelle Moore: Boundaries help build trust, not destroy it.
• 26:00
  Michelle Moore: Healthy boundaries clarify expectations, reduce miscommunication and prevent unnecessary hurt.
• 26:07
  Michelle Moore: Hurt, for example, saying let's agree not to share private arguments with friends is a boundary that protects trust, not suspicion, and it's so good.
• 26:27
  Michelle Moore: That is very good.
• 26:29
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 26:30
  Michelle Moore: And I think you know, just like how that example of you know, you might not think that's a boundary and just say, hey, let's just not do that.
• 26:38
  Michelle Moore: But in all reality, when you are setting those, those are boundaries.
• 26:42
  Daniel Moore: Yep, those are things that you don't want to cross over.
• 26:44
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, because the moment that you do, if you tell me that, if you say let's not share these private arguments, and then I go do it, what's that going to make you think about me?
• 26:58
  Daniel Moore: You're going to lose my trust in me, and so then what's going to happen after that?
• 27:03
  Daniel Moore: You're going to question, you know, second guess in the future, if I tell Daniel this boundary, is he going to keep it or not?
• 27:07
  Daniel Moore: Can I even trust him to?
• 27:10
  Daniel Moore: You know, do what I request, and it would be the same way with me.
• 27:13
  Daniel Moore: You know, something happened on the opposite side of that.
• 27:16
  Michelle Moore: Now, I do think that nobody's perfect.
• 27:19
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 27:21
  Michelle Moore: And boundaries are set, but once in a great while, there, you know it's going to happen, you know, and that's where the grace comes in.
• 27:28
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, you know, you know, and that's where the grace comes in.
• 27:30
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, you know.
• 27:30
  Daniel Moore: And I think, as spouses, I know for myself and I think you feel the same way.
• 27:35
  Daniel Moore: If you know each other well enough, as a spouse, we know when we're truly repentant.
• 27:41
  Aria: Yeah.
• 27:46
  Daniel Moore: So I think there comes a point in your relationship and your marriage where if I say, hey, I'm really sorry about this, I shouldn't have done that, I'm not going to do it again, then you're going to know if I'm being legit with that or not, and so that's going to build that trust back.
• 28:00
  Daniel Moore: And then, of course, as you set another boundary in the future and I keep that boundary- that's going to start building that trust back stronger again.
• 28:09
  Daniel Moore: And so just because you put a boundary there does not mean that you don't trust each other.
• 28:14
  Daniel Moore: It just means again that you're trying to protect your marriage, you're trying to protect your relationship, and that does build trust because it's an honesty.
• 28:25
  Daniel Moore: It's really an honesty thing for the most part, because if and if you tell me to do something and I say I'm going to do it, and then I follow through, that's what builds trust.
• 28:35
  Daniel Moore: And so the more often that happens then your trust becomes stronger and stronger in that person.
• 28:39
  Daniel Moore: And so that's what these boundaries do.
• 28:43
  Daniel Moore: You set them in place to protect your personal relationship between you and your, your spouse, and in the outside world.
• 28:48
  Daniel Moore: And then when you guys keep those boundaries you keep, you know, going through those and not breaking that trust then that builds that trust between each other and it just helps that marriage to flourish.
• 29:00
  Daniel Moore: And so it's definitely, if you've got that mindset that if I set this boundary, my spouse is going to think I don't trust them.
• 29:08
  Michelle Moore: And your boundaries can be anything Like it can be hey, we're going to set a boundary, we're not going to spend this much money, we're going to set this much aside, you know, or hey, you're not going to go do this without me, or you know, it could be anything.
• 29:23
  Michelle Moore: But once you set those, make sure that you both are on you know, on the same page, and everything, because, as you can, it's the trust and honesty.
• 29:37
  Daniel Moore: Yep.
• 29:37
  Daniel Moore: And the final misconception to wrap up the episode for this week on boundaries is boundaries always lead to conflict or distance.
• 29:41
  Daniel Moore: Give us the truth on that one.
• 29:44
  Michelle Moore: Boundaries may create temporary tension, but they lead to deeper connection.
• 29:49
  Michelle Moore: At first, setting a boundary can feel uncomfortable, especially if one spouse is used to always pleasing or avoiding conflict, but over time they foster mutual respect, healthier communication there's that word again and lasting emotional safety which actually strengthens closeness.
• 30:09
  Michelle Moore: I really like that.
• 30:10
  Michelle Moore: That's a good one.
• 30:11
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know, when you have a boundary set there, we know that sometimes those boundaries don't come with icing on them Right.
• 30:21
  Daniel Moore: Sometimes we put those boundaries in place that it might upset the other spouse for a temporary span of time because it may trigger that well, you don't trust me in their mind, depending on what the situation may be.
• 30:37
  Daniel Moore: But as time goes along we know that healthy boundaries they do draw you closer.
• 30:44
  Daniel Moore: And that connection because, like we were just talking in the last one part of building that trust to the most trustfulness that we can have between each other, that does make our connection deeper.
• 30:58
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, because the more I trust you, the more I love you.
• 31:02
  Aria: Yeah.
• 31:02
  Daniel Moore: You know, the more that I feel like I can talk to you about things, the more I feel like I can share stuff with you that I don't share with anybody else, the more I feel like I can share stuff with you that I don't share with anybody else.
• 31:12
  Daniel Moore: You know, it gets to that intimate side of things where there's stuff that I will not tell anybody.
• 31:21
  Daniel Moore: But yet I have a deep enough connection with you because I trust you, because of these boundaries to put in place and we've kept those, those boundaries between us to be healthy and in a biblical way I get to a point where I know that I can share anything with you and you're going to understand or help me walk through or talk me through things, and I want to be that person for you.
• 31:36
  Daniel Moore: And so I know that it's easy to want to avoid conflict, especially if you have a personality like I've had in the past.
• 31:46
  Daniel Moore: I still don't really like conflict a whole lot, to be honest, but the way that I handle the marriage now with you, I don't have hardly any trouble with that anymore because me and you do such a good job of talking things out.
• 32:00
  Michelle Moore: Well, I think that's the communication thing it is.
• 32:02
  Michelle Moore: I mean honestly, we trust each other so much that we're open and honest about everything.
• 32:07
  Michelle Moore: I mean, I say things and I look at you sometimes and I'm like I know what he's thinking and then he'll say it, but it's like we've worked hard.
• 32:17
  Michelle Moore: I mean, you know, being married over 20 years and everything we've walked through it, marriage is work.
• 32:23
  Michelle Moore: I don't I mean, it's just work, you know, and it's not like you go to your job every day, you know to.
• 32:29
  Michelle Moore: It's like a relationship with Christ.
• 32:31
  Michelle Moore: It's work.
• 32:32
  Michelle Moore: It's not just handed to you and be like, oh okay, here you go.
• 32:36
  Michelle Moore: It's work and communication, boundaries, grace.
• 32:43
  Michelle Moore: There's so much in a marriage that you have to have.
• 32:46
  Michelle Moore: And you know, and I'm so thankful, though, that we've walked where we've walked to help us to be where we're at today, though.
• 32:51
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, and you know, and I'm so thankful, though, that we've walked where we've walked to help us to be where we're at today, though.
• 32:54
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 32:54
  Michelle Moore: I mean, if you can do that from the very beginning and not have to walk what we did that's awesome, and that's our prayer for everybody.
• 33:02
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 33:03
  Daniel Moore: Well, there's that saying that you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
• 33:06
  Daniel Moore: And, unfortunately, in our situation, I feel like that's the mantra that we live by for so long, because the turnaround in our marriage was when we almost got divorced.
• 33:16
  Daniel Moore: I mean, it took that to help us to understand how important this relationship really is, how much we really do need to communicate, how much we do need to rely on each other and trust each other, and it just changed the whole aspect of the whole thing at that point, because we almost lost it and we truly loved each other.
• 33:33
  Daniel Moore: And it just changed the whole aspect of the whole thing at that point because we almost lost it and we truly loved each other.
• 33:39
  Daniel Moore: You know, it was by stupidity that we ended up where we were and selfishness and a lot of the other things that goes into all of that and it shouldn't have taken that to make us turn around and to realize that.
• 33:49
  Daniel Moore: And that's one reason we share what we do on our podcast because, especially newlyweds people that's been married five, 10 years, whatever you're still kind of the first parts of your marriage it's so important that you start working on this stuff from day one.
• 34:02
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, you know, don't wait.
• 34:03
  Michelle Moore: Keep God at the center, exactly.
• 34:06
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, you don't wait until it's too late, and you know a lot of people.
• 34:10
  Daniel Moore: If you go into churches and talk to Christians or whatever, the first thing they'll say is well, you know, you just need to pray about it, because prayer changes things, you know.
• 34:19
  Michelle Moore: And it does.
• 34:20
  Daniel Moore: It does to an extent, but in all reality, it's not things that prayer changes.
• 34:25
  Daniel Moore: Prayer changes people.
• 34:26
  Daniel Moore: People changes things, and we always have to keep that in mind, because everything that happens in your life is usually instigated by a person, and so if that person does not change, then those things aren't necessarily going to change, because you're still dealing with a person in the middle.
• 34:44
  Daniel Moore: And so when you start praying about these things that are going on in your marriages and these bad things that are happening and all that kind of thing, make sure that you not only just pray for yourself, because you should always, you know, pray for yourself first.
• 34:56
  Daniel Moore: God, if there's anything in me, forgive me for this.
• 34:59
  Daniel Moore: You know, take care of home base first, but then pray for those other people that are involved that God would change their hearts and the process of all of that.
• 35:07
  Daniel Moore: The whole scenario changes at that point, and so that's where these boundaries come into play.
• 35:13
  Daniel Moore: Um, you know, and there's a lot of good uh myths that were busted here today on these boundaries, and hopefully, um, one of them resonated with someone out there that's listening If you're having some issues with with boundaries.
• 35:26
  Daniel Moore: Um, so we're going to go ahead and close up this week's episode with that.
• 35:30
  Daniel Moore: Next week's episode.
• 35:32
  Daniel Moore: We'll come back and we're going to start going through different areas of boundaries sexually and spiritually, just different places in our life where we set boundaries and why we do that and how we do that.
• 35:45
  Daniel Moore: So we'll talk about that on the next episode that we come back with our marriage episodes here.
• 35:51
  Daniel Moore: So in the meantime, though, don't forget that boundaries in marriage, they're not about control, avoidance or isolation.
• 35:58
  Daniel Moore: They're about creating a relationship where both people are free to love, respect and grow together without fear, confusion or resentment.
• 36:06
  Daniel Moore: Boundaries are not a sign of division.
• 36:09
  Daniel Moore: They're a pathway to deeper unity.
• 36:13
  Daniel Moore: In Proverbs, chapter four, verse 23,.
• 36:15
  Daniel Moore: It sums it all up.
• 36:16
  Daniel Moore: It says above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
• 36:21
  Daniel Moore: How do you guard your heart?
• 36:22
  Daniel Moore: You set up boundaries.
• 36:24
  Daniel Moore: It's all biblical in how all of this works.
• 36:27
  Daniel Moore: Well, is that all you have for this week to add to this?
• 36:31
  Daniel Moore: Okay?
• 36:31
  Daniel Moore: Well, we're going to go ahead then and call this one good.
• 36:33
  Daniel Moore: Please subscribe to be sure that you don't miss the next episode that comes along.
• 36:38
  Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, and my wife, michelle, has been sitting over here with me this week.
• 36:42
  Michelle Moore: Bye guys.
• 36:43
  Daniel Moore: And we're going to be back again later on.
• 36:45
  Daniel Moore: Thank you for listening.
• 36:46
  Daniel Moore: The show really be possible without you.
• 36:48
  Daniel Moore: If you're a fan of the show, leave a review.
• 36:50
  Daniel Moore: And Apple podcast or show really be possible without you.
• 36:51
  Daniel Moore: If you're a fan of the show, leave a review on Apple Podcasts.
• 36:53
  Daniel Moore: Or if you'd like to help us out, just take a few seconds to give us a five-star click and please subscribe to us on your favorite platform.
• 36:57
  Daniel Moore: The links are in the show notes.
• 36:59
  Daniel Moore: Well, that's all for this week.
• 37:04
  Daniel Moore: We pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode.
• 37:06
  Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries and we pray that you have a blessed week.
• 37:11
  Aria: You've been listening to Connecting the Gap Podcast.
• 37:13
  Aria: In this world, there are many disconnects that cause chaos in our lives.
• 37:16
  Aria: This podcast is birthed from the desire to share hope and restoration of the power of the gospel by being transparent and open in our biblical walk with God.
• 37:24
  Aria: Each week, we take a few moments as we navigate God's Word and peer into other people's testimonies and encourage each other to connect the gap.
• 37:31
  Aria: We upload a new audio podcast every Thursday and a video version of it on YouTube and Rumble.
• 37:36
  Aria: We are also on the Christian podcasting app, edify.
• 37:39
  Aria: You can subscribe to our podcast on many of the available podcasting platforms, including Apple Podcast, spotify, amazon Music, iheartradio, tunein Radio and more.
• 37:49
  Aria: We are also available on your Alexa-enabled devices.
• 37:52
  Aria: If you would like to contact our ministry for any reason, visit our contact page and send us a message.
• 37:58
  Aria: We hope you are blessed by this ministry.
• 37:59
  Aria: This is a production of Connecting the Gap Ministries.