Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 473. Going Back to the Person Who Ghosted Me, Sister in Law Drama, and Wanting Out of a “Good” Relationship - Head Noise

Transcript

473. Going Back to the Person Who Ghosted Me, Sister in Law Drama, and Wanting Out of a “Good” Relationship - Head Noise · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: So this is a head Noise episode. Finally I am
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: back with voice note head Noise episodes. I have three
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: that we're going to get to today.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: Life update.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I'm just trying to think. I am on the cusp, guys,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: the fucking cusp of handing in the initial draft for
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: my book.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: It has been a.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: Journey, one that has seen many versions of me kind of.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: I literally started writing this book, I want to say,
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: like two months before the babies were born, and I
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: had like this wave of kind of inspiration and energy
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: to write that book for.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: Maybe the first couple of weeks.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Then in the lead up to the babies being born,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: I was so flat even mentally, I was just my
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: body was drained from every possible resource. And then obviously
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: the babies were born and the very very early stages
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: I was able to do a bit of writing because
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: they would just sleep all the time. And then there
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: was a big chunk of time where I had not
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: touched the book. Anyway, we're back into a good rhythm
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: now and I'm the draft is due on Monday, so
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: you're listening to this Friday, So it's jew Monday, So
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: you would imagine me just going through I've written most
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: of it, but I've got like a few chapters left,
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: and then of course going over and revising it and
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: then handing it over to my publisher.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: She is a legend, though, so we're going to work
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: through that draft together.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: But just getting that initial draft handed in will feel
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: like such a huge accomplishment, bigger than all the other,
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: well the three other books I've written, because I've been
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: doing it with the twins on board as well.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: So if I can get this done, I feel like
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: I can pretty much take over the world at this point.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Okay, let's get straight into the the fucking listener questions.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: And some of you guys have great actually all three
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: of you have great titles. Come at me thick and
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: fast with the great titles, because I do love reading
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: the map.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: So the first one is how to learn to Trust
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: someone again.
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: Just continuing to love the podcast. I was fortunate to
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: get on quite a few months back about a girl
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: who just unfortunately emotionally abandoned me. I was definitely stuck
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: in the state illinerates, but also I was sitt in
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: love with her, but also the idea of her and yeah,
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: I reached out, unfortunately got ghosted. And then yet two
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: months on she decided to reach out and so yeah,
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry, and I've seen some seenor therapist and done
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: my work and yeah.
• 2:42
  Speaker 4: I'm ready again.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: After a bit of thinking, I said, yeah, let's give
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: it another crack. But unfortunately, covering with that is a
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: lot of trust issues. Throughout the days we don't talk
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: much or she's busy, I feel like my walls are
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: going up, and I'm like, how do I learn to
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: retrust someone again? Especially when they have emotionally abandoned me
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: and you're getting scared of her just leaving at a
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: nowhere again. So that's my real question, how do you
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: learn to retrust someone? Because I feel like trust is
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: a core foundation of a relationship and so early on
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: we shouldn't be having these issues. Yeah, and I don't
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: know how to bring up that I need reassurance I
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: have that. I'm so scared to bring it up in
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: case she gets overwhelmed and leaves again. Yeah, I just
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: don't know what to do. How do you trust someone
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: again after they'd left?
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: Okay, this is a really, really great question.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: There's so many things that I want to address in
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: what you just said, and I think a lot of
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: people are feeling that way. First thing that I want
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: to say to you that I agree with is, I
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: do believe that this shouldn't be happening so early on
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: in a relationship because I'm like some people.
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: Say, you've got to earn my trust.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: I think when it comes to romantic relationships, the trust
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: us to be there and it's up to the partner
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  Speaker 1: to break that trust.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: Right, you want to go in being.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: Able to feel like, Okay, maybe you don't trust them
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: with your life because you don't know them yet, but
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: trusting that they're going to be, you know, loyal and
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: open and honest to you. Right, She's done things already
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: that have broken your trust or your ability to feel
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: safe emotionally with her, so it is absolutely natural for
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: you to be feeling this way. You also mentioned that
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: you don't want to be bringing it up to her
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  Speaker 1: because you're worried that it's going to like come across
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: as too intense and then she might kind of turn
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: around and leave if she I don't know how to
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: put this nicely, but you are completely in your right
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: to bring this up to her, especially because she has
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: done actions in the past that have been completely selfish
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: and didn't factor your feelings in.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: It's okay for someone to say, listen, I'm not feeling it.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: I've got to leave. But to ghost you, that's extremely selfish.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: To go to someone is a very selfish move.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: And I feel that the only time that it's.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: Appropriate quote unquote to go someone is if the other
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: person is being a psycho, abusive, whatever, and you're doing
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: it for your own health.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: But if there was no.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: If she was not in any way, shape or form
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: under thread and just because she couldn't be fucking bothered
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: to be open about her emotions or whatever, she went
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: and ghosted you, she has to then accept that she's
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: done something wrong and hurt you. Okay, So if she
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: number one, are you seeing her take responsibility for the
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: fact that she ghosted you? And do you see her
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: have any remorse? Because you're telling me I'm scared to
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: bring it up to her because she might leave. That
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: indicates to me that she's holding all the cards and
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: she's really Based on what you're saying, I don't want
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: to like throw this woman under the bus without knowing her.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: But based on what you're saying, you could either just
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: be projecting hard and.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: This is not the case, or the truth is that
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: she holds all the power right now, she holds all
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: the fucking power, and that is a form of emotional manipulation.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: If she's making you feel based on how she talks,
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: based on how she carries yourself, based on how she's
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: kind of dripped bits.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: Of attention to you like bread crumbing you.
• 6:04
  Speaker 5: If that's what's happening, then she's able to control how
• 6:09
  Speaker 5: you behave around her by making you feel that you
• 6:12
  Speaker 5: can't raise something you can't raise a.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: Fear or an insecurity.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: And this fear and insecurity is valid because it is
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: based on actual, real information that she has given you
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: about herself, about her character, about her behavior. She's demonstrated
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: that she's able to ghost you, she's demonstrated all these things.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: Now she's come back. Okay, it could be for really
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: really good reasons, And she could have had crazy realizations
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: and done a bit of work and all of the above.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: So I always want to give people the benefit of
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: the doubt. But if that's the case, if she's done
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: the work, if she's had realizations, she should be open
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: to hearing how you feel about the relationship, because if
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: she cares about you, she'd be like, I'm here to
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: mend the cracks that I created.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: I'm here too, not.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: To say that you've got to hang this over her forever,
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: but at the same time, she should be like, I'm
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: willing to hear you out.
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: I hurt you, and I'm willing to hear you out.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: And also a healthy relationship, she would you know if
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: you said, listen, based on the past, this is what
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: I don't want to always feel this way.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: However, you know XYZ has happened, and when you do
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: this behavior, it reminds me of what happened in the past,
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: and I'm trying to move through that. A healthy relationship
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: will say, all right, so what's something that we can
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: both do to meet in the middle. Maybe I can't
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: text you every hour, but what if I were to
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: check in after a half day.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: What if I were to.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Do these certain things that show that I'm willing to
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: put in the effort because I know that I've hurt
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: you in the past. Okay, it's not like you are
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: meeting someone brand new and you're saying I don't trust
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  Speaker 1: you because I've been hurt in the past by somebody else.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: You are literally saying, based on your behaviors in the past,
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to learn how to trust you again. I
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: really want to trust you again. But you have to
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: put in the effort too. It's not all on you
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: when when you are dating someone who has broken your trust,
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: it is your job to work through your trust issues,
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: but it is massively the other person's job to meet
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: you in the middle and change their fucking behavior. Okay,
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: if they're not willing to edit their behavior based on
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: past behavior, based on a history of hurting you, they
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: are the problem.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: Okay, they are the fucking problems.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: Your answer will be revealed by doing the thing that
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: you fear the most, and that is approaching her and saying, listen,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I'm really happy we're together. I'm really happy with working
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: things through, but I just need to be dead honest
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: with you. I am now kind of grappling with this
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: underlying anxiety around our relationship and lack of trust, and
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: I don't want to feel that way.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: I really like you.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: I see a future together, so obviously these are things
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: that I completely want to work through so we can
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: have success long term. However, given that this was our past,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: and it was based on your behaviors that I'm lacking
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: this trust.
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: How can we together meet in the middle.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: I don't want to have trust issues and be projecting
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: all the whole time, but I also want to see
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: that you're able to kind of compromise and meet me
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: in the middle with certain that make me feel like
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: you have changed. If she runs away, what that indicates,
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: and this is like fucking hands down. If she runs
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: away when you say that, it indicates that she is
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: not willing to be in a position where both if
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: you are equal. When someone runs away, when they say
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: I want some accountability on your side, and I'm willing
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: to come to the table with as much accountability as
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: I can give and as is necessary. If they don't
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: like that, that's saying I don't say you as an equal.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: I want to play you like a fucking pawn in
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: a game, and I actually don't want to.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: Work in this as an equal.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Those people that run when accountability the mirror is held
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: up to them, they don't like that equal power dynamic.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: They want the power. They want to be able to
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: whether she acknowledges it or not, she's clinging onto power.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: If she runs for the hills. She's not willing to
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: be accountable, she's not willing to be open, and she's
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: not willing to fully give herself to the relationship. And
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: then once you understand that, then you can.
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: Make a real call is this the right relationship or not.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: But my answer to you is one hundred percent, you
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: need to have this conversation with her begin because how
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: she responds to that conversation will be extremely telling of.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: How the future of this relationship is going to go.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: If she runs for the hills, that's her problem, that's
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: the trash taking itself out. If she stays and listens
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: and talks, then she really has made some changes, she
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: really has worked on herself, and she really is worth
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: investing the time in because people can change. People can
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: you know, develop emotionally after they'd make a mistake. So
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: you don't want to completely write her off and say,
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: oh my god, she's just going to do it again.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: Give her the chance, give her the opportunity. She might
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: surprise you. She might come back and say, you know what,
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: You're right, I did hurt you and I never want
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: to do that again, and I'm glad you've spoken to
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: me about this.
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: Because maybe she didn't know. Maybe she doesn't know that
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: in your mind.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: You're having this fucking you're doing all these mental backflips,
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: trying to like be okay, but you're not okay, and
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: then you're thinking all these things. She might actually really
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: appreciate your honesty and say, wow, like, I'm glad you
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: said that I really want to be with you. Let's
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: talk about things that I can do to make you
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: feel emotionally secure without validating every single one of your fears.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: It's like it's a fine balance, right, but you both
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: need to meet in the middle.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: So I'm glad that you know you're aware of these
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: emotions and you're doing all of this. I just I
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: really just don't want you to feel like you're back
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: at square one again. That's not the point of a relationship.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: The point of being with someone is because they enrich
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: your life, not because they take you a fucking emotional
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: rollercoaster that leaves you drained and feeling like a shell
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: of your former self. Okay, thank you so much for
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: sending me an update on how everything's going, and please
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: continue guys.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: Just you and everyone else.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: If you have updates on certain things based on advice
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: that I've given you. I'd love for you to kind
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: of write and say update on your advice and whatever
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: and let me know how things are going or if
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: they're not going well. All the above, okay, thank you.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: Next one, this is called I want to be single lovers.
• 11:58
  Speaker 4: I like this. So.
• 12:00
  Speaker 6: I have been dating my boyfriend for around four and
• 12:02
  Speaker 6: a half years. We started dating when I was eighteen,
• 12:05
  Speaker 6: right before I went to university, and our relationship has
• 12:08
  Speaker 6: been amazing. He has so many of the qualities that
• 12:10
  Speaker 6: I would look for and a long term partner, and
• 12:12
  Speaker 6: we're best friends. We love each other so much. But
• 12:16
  Speaker 6: for the past year or so, I've been having these
• 12:19
  Speaker 6: recurring thoughts that.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: I want to be single and not even.
• 12:23
  Speaker 6: Really to date other people because again, like I can't
• 12:27
  Speaker 6: think of someone who would be a better boyfriend or
• 12:29
  Speaker 6: partner than he is already, but more just that I
• 12:33
  Speaker 6: haven't been single since I was a child, basically, and
• 12:37
  Speaker 6: I don't know. I've been having thoughts that I want
• 12:39
  Speaker 6: to do long term travel or just that I want
• 12:41
  Speaker 6: to choose where I want to live without having to
• 12:43
  Speaker 6: consider another person. Well, he very much wants to move
• 12:46
  Speaker 6: in together and has.
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: Even mentioned getting engaged in.
• 12:49
  Speaker 6: The next few years, which is so far off from
• 12:51
  Speaker 6: where I feel like I am. But I'm just so
• 12:55
  Speaker 6: scared of ending it and realizing that I lost like
• 13:00
  Speaker 6: the best thing in my life, or that I won't
• 13:02
  Speaker 6: be able to find someone who is as good as
• 13:04
  Speaker 6: a partner as he is. You even got to the
• 13:06
  Speaker 6: point where I did bring up with him about six
• 13:08
  Speaker 6: months ago, but got back together very quickly because I
• 13:11
  Speaker 6: was just so devastated. But after a second honeymoon, Furiy,
• 13:15
  Speaker 6: these thoughts are starting to come back. So I'm just
• 13:18
  Speaker 6: not really sure what to do.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's such a good question, and oh
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: my god, like, ah, that's it's so hard. I want
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: to acknowledge how hard that choice is, because at the
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: end of the day, that the hardest part about this
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: whole thing is that you don't have.
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: A crystal ball to help you look into the future.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: You don't know right like, you actually don't know.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: I'd love to stand here and say, of course, you're
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: going to find someone that's just as good as that,
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: But that's why it's such a hard decision, because you
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: don't know. If I told you you're going to go
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: through a few months of heartbreak. But then but then
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: you're just not right for each other. And then in
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: the future you're actually going to find someone who's so
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: much better suited to you, and then it would be
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: so much easier to make this decision. But the truth
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: is you actually don't know. So what you have to
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: look at is, or what you have to focus on,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: is the things that are currently within your control and
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: things that you can actually acknowledge.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: When it comes to this relationship.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: You mentioned the honeymoon period kind of faded off again
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: and we were back to you know, normal. You said,
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: it's a great relationship, You're super compatible. I guess you
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: have to ask yourself, because one thing about relationships is love. Unfortunately, unfortunately,
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: love is not enough. There has to be many factors
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: that make a couple compatible, okay, And one of the
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: main things, especially for people that get together so young
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: like you did.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: Is can you grow together?
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: Are you capable of evolving as individuals, feeling supported as
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: individuals and growing together?
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: Sometimes you might find the best.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: Match ever, as far as you know, we make each
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: other feel good, safe, stable, Maybe we love together. We
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: can you know, we adore each other. We're just good people, too,
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: good people together that love each other all the above
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: tic tic tack. However, all your desires are so vastly different.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: And if one person was to completely just say, okay,
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: I'll give up what I want to be with you,
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: Let's say he never wants to travel anywhere, never wants
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: to move anywhere, and wants to be engaged, settled, married,
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: have kids, young, whatever, and you were to do that while.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: Ignoring this huge part.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: And also you're in your twenties, so this is a
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: long time ahead of you for you to feel like, oo, like,
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: should I.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: Have done these things?
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: You will resent him, You'll resent the relationship, and you're
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: going to resent yourself, okay, and vice versa. If he
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: was to be like, all right, maybe i'll put off
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: having you know, like, maybe I will force myself to
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: travel and do all of these things and whatever, maybe
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: he would be like, no, I always wanted to settle
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: down young, and I always wanted to do these things,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: and maybe we actually ended up not being compatible. And
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: then I look back and think, maybe I should have
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: done this early on when my instincts were telling me
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: to do that, okay with somebody else. So you really
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: have to say, is this a relationship? Where we can
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: grow together, because what you want is vastly different to
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: what he wants. They're not like minor differences where you
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: could kind of coexist and find a legitimate compromise, not
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: where one person has to give up what they want
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: for the other person, a real compromise where you know
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: both of you were giving up a little bit, but
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: you're also gaining a bit and then everybody wins. Okay,
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: some relationships just don't have that. So I don't want
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: to tell you that you need to leave him at all.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: But the thing is, you left him, Okay, you felt devastated,
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: and so you returned. You would think that that was
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: your answer. You would think, I left him. I felt horrible.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: I can't like I just feel bad. I miss him.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: He's a good person. Have I made a mistake. I'm
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: terrified about, you know, never having the same thing again.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: So you went back.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: You would think that based on how you felt when
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: you left him and going back, you would be like,
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: oh my god, I never I'm like, I'm going to
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: fucking sink my teeth into you. I'm never going to
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: let you go. I'm so happy to But you feel
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: the same way as you did.
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: So really the fear that you were feeling. Was it
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: that you had made the biggest mistake.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: Or was it this void that you had created that's
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: really really scary. Every single person that takes a leap
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: and does something really difficult feels that same void. When
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: you leave what's safe, it's always going to bring up fears,
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: the fear of the unknown always. Okay, so you're now
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: fearing will I find a match ever again? Did I
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: leave the best thing that ever happened to me? Did
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: I leave? You know, there's all these.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: Thoughts that start to come.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: And because you haven't yet embarked on this trip to
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: live overseas, because you haven't yet really sunk your teeth
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: into the new life, you have nothing to compare it to.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: So you're comparing safe, great relationship, lovely guy to the void.
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: That's it.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: You're not comparing safe, lovely relationship guy and me living
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: in fucking mayor cut for a year, right, So there's
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: two completely.
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: You're not really comparing what you should be.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: And then when you went back with him, you found
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: your stability, you found your comfort. Things even out again,
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: and then the same issues arose again. So I actually
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: think that you need to give yourself an opportunity to
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: go and live the life that you want to live.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: It's not that it's going to be easy. It absolutely
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: will not be easy. But anyone who's trying to rip
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: the bandit off and do something being like that is
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: going to feel this way. What I will recommend to
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: you is have a clear plan of what it is
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: that you actually want to do and when is that
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: actually going to happen realistically, because at the moment, well, listen,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: I might be so off, but based on what I know,
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: these are all just desires.
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: But of course you're not actually it because you're in
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: the relationship.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: But I want you to really flesh out what would
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: my life look like if I actually left him? And
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: am I ready to actually action these things, because otherwise
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: I'm going to get stuck in a cycle of leaving.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: But I'm not ready to go and live my single
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: life overseas or whatever and then returning. You also not
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: want to fuck him around and waste his time. Okay,
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: you need to really be doing the right thing for you,
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: but also doing the right thing for your partner. If
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: you're going to leave him again, it's because you understand
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: that you've learned what you learned.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: From the first breakup.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: You learned that you know, getting back together didn't solve
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: all the problems, and that you needed this new life
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: and new thing for yourself. But what I am going
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: to say is I know people who to two things.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: I know one person who did.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: That back and forth, back and forth, back and forth
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: with their partner.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: And then after over a decade, they ended up still
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: breaking up because she never really really got that answer.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: And then it was a decade really like and I
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: feel like you're wasting someone's time if you're doing that.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: And then on the flip side of that, I've got
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: someone else. My sister who was actually engaged to this
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: guy who everyone was like, he's so great, and he
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: was great, he was a great guy, Okay, but she
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: deep down and they got together so young that she
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: dieped down, just news like it's not right, it's not right,
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: it's not right. So then after I think seven years,
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: she left him, and I think there was this few
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: that everyone around her was like, oh, you've left a
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: really good guy front and now she's with someone who's
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: just the perfect match for her. You know, sometimes you
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: evolve away from your partner and it doesn't make your
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: partner or you were a bad person. You just evolve separately,
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: and that's what happened with her, And sometimes that means.
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: Ending a relationship.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you don't have to look for flaws in someone
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: to think this is the wrong relationship. Sometimes you can
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: be like, we've evolved apart from each other.
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: Okay, cool. So hopefully that helped her at.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: Least, you know, gave you some ideas to think about
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: to help you come to a decision that you're happy with.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: Sense all right, Last one and final one for the episode.
• 20:42
  Speaker 4: Hey, alex Is, I've been listening to your podcasts for
• 20:46
  Speaker 4: about a year and I stumbled across it during let's
• 20:51
  Speaker 4: just say, a really tough time in my life. So
• 20:53
  Speaker 4: thank you so much and congratulations on your twins. My
• 20:57
  Speaker 4: question is coming from a family dynamic which I feel
• 21:03
  Speaker 4: hasn't been raised much, and it's actually in regards to
• 21:08
  Speaker 4: my sister in law. So my brother and I used
• 21:11
  Speaker 4: to be really close.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: He's eight years older.
• 21:13
  Speaker 4: Than me, so you can sort of, I guess assume
• 21:17
  Speaker 4: that I've been hanging around a lot of older people
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: in my life, and I guess in a way matured
• 21:22
  Speaker 4: me quite quickly into the real world, you know, getting
• 21:25
  Speaker 4: a house and everything like that. From a young age,
• 21:29
  Speaker 4: my brother was such a kind hearted soul, and ever
• 21:32
  Speaker 4: since he married his wife, he's really changed, and my
• 21:36
  Speaker 4: family and I are really feeling the attitude and dynamics change.
• 21:42
  Speaker 4: My big question is I've noticed that his wife is
• 21:47
  Speaker 4: actually from quite a privileged background where she had made
• 21:50
  Speaker 4: who did everything for her, and you know, she doesn't
• 21:53
  Speaker 4: work or clean and doesn't really believe in that. I
• 21:56
  Speaker 4: don't really know how to better the relationship with her
• 22:01
  Speaker 4: when all I can really sense is selfishness. And I'm
• 22:05
  Speaker 4: really trying, and minds you like, they have been married
• 22:09
  Speaker 4: for easily ten years now.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: Okay, I think, yeah, Look, the main thing is here,
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: your relationship with your brother. Okay, as hard as it is,
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: it's such a weird dynamic, the dynamic of in laws,
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: because he now has really two families. He's got his
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: family that he was born into, but he's got the
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: family that he has with his wife, and that has
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: to be respected no matter how many differences you see.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: Number One, you have to fully respect it. Unless it's
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: an abusive relationship, then I don't think you need to
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: respect that shit, But you need to respect it. And
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: number two, you have to.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: Allow for differences, knowing that you can't change somebody. Okay,
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: if he is married to this woman and in love
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: with this woman, as jarring as it is.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: For you, you have to come to the conclusion of like.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: In order for me to like her, I have to
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: learn how to like without changing the dynamic, without changing
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: the situation. And if she's not being like an outright
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: asshole or full or abusive of whatever, it's also something
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: that it's not really in my place to try and
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: change she because you have to look at you have
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: to look at life as experienced through your lens. She's
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: experienced her life through her lens, so she's not thinking.
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: I'm super privileged, I'm this, I'm that. She's probably thinking, well,
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: this is the normal.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: Way to be for me, And she's looking at other
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: people that clean and do everything for themselves as being like,
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: how the other side live?
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: You know, fucking wouldn't we all love that?
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: But she also look, I don't know she's a bad person, no,
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: my dear, But she also you're not friends.
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: Okay. It's not that your enemies, but you're not friends.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: And I think as long as you can have a
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: peaceful relationship with your in law. That's, to me the
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: biggest priority. If anything more than that is so good
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: and what everyone would dream of having. But as long
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: as you can have a peaceful relationship with your in law,
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: it means that you will always foster a close and
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: healthy relationship with your brother. You have to tread very
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: carefully when it comes to in laws because your brother
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: has made a decision to be with this woman, and
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: obviously he loves it because they've been together for ten
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: plus years.
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: Okay, so he's with her, he loves her.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: It's his decision as an adult, and your job as
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: a sister is to respect that decision. So the more
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: you are able to say, you know what, I don't
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: need to be close with her.
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: I need to be civil.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: And I need to respect what they have when your
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: brother sees I don't know how your brother feels about
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: this whole thing, or if he's even aware of this dynamic,
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: but when he sees that you truly honor and respect
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: his choices as an adult, he's going to feel more
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: comfortable having that really healthy relationship with you and getting
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: closer with you.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: If you put your brother.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: In a position which and people do this all and
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying you do this that people do this
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: all the time. When you start putting your family, your brother,
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: for example, in a position where they feel uncomfortable and
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: where there's this unwritten thing where they kind of feel
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: a little bit torn between who they can hang out with,
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: they will ultimately choose their partner.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: Okay, not always, but most of the time. Why because
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: that's their new family. That is their new family, and
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: that is how the world works.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: As you you know, if he has kids with her,
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: that's going to be his number one priority. He's that
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: nuclear family. That's that's his priority. Okay, your partner and
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: your kids, as it should be, because that's how life works.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: So knowing that, you've got to think, how can I
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: facilitate a really healthy relationship. At the end of the day,
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: you don't have to love her, You do not have
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: to love her, but you want to maintain a close
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: relationship with your brother. There is nothing I can say
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: to you that would miraculously turn around the relationship with
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: you and your sister in law. Because we can't change
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: how people think and how people operate. There is absolutely
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: nothing that can be done other than you being polite, respectful,
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: and allowing their space. The more space and you know,
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: like lack of judgment and like a safe zone that
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: you give him and his partner.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: The more comfortable he's going to feel to be, like,
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: I want.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: To keep hanging out with my sister. I want to
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: hang out with my sister. I feel good when I
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: hang out with her. If every time he hangs out
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: with you or your parents or whatever, hypothetically not saying
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: you do, but if you did that, you guys made
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: a sly comment here, or a remark or a look
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: or whatever that made him feel uncomfortable about his choice
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: of a partner, He's going to pull away because it
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: makes him feel uncomfortable. When someone feels that their partner
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: is being attacked by their family, they take it as
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: a direct attack because it is their life partner that
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: they've chosen. So if someone criticizes my partner, I take
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: it as an attack on me.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: Okay, and everyone.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: Feels that way, So really, I would take the focus
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: completely off her.
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: I would take the focus on how can.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: I make my brother feel like I love and respect
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: him no matter what? And I'm going to my relationship
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: with my brother. I'm not going to make a comment.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to make you know unless, like I said,
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: unless it's abusive and unhealthy. It is not in my
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: place to judge if she's a right fit for him
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: or not, or if she's different to us or not,
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: or if she's privileged, if she's good to him, if
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: he loves her, if she gives him a good life
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: and they get along, who cares if there's these little
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: differences in the way they were raised.
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: You're not married to her, so you didn't have to
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: deal with that shit. That's the main thing. Like I
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: personally wouldn't marry someone like that. Be your brother did
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: and he wants to, and he knew what he was
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: getting into. He's a grown man. So I think that
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: would be my.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: Advice to you, be very very very very careful with
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: how you deal with in laws because it's really hard
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: to repair.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: You can repair it, but it's hard to come back
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: from it. So your aim, in my opinion, should not.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: Be to try and be friends and with all these
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: different that The aim is to have a peaceful, respectful relationship.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: And you never know, when you have the foundation of
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: peace and respect with your in laws, you can all
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: blossom a friendship and a relationship, and it can be
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: twenty years down the line or one year down the line,
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: or it doesn't matter. But if the foundation of respect
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: and peace is there, then you always have something to
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: work with. If she feels that you're judging her or
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: the look or the comments or whatever, she's going to
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: retreat and retract, and who knows how she's going to
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: feel about her in laws and how that will change
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: the dynamic of your brother and his family.
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: Okay, so that would be my advice to you.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: Just just priority is your relationship with your brother, and
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: in order to foster a really healthy relationship with your brother,
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: you have to really really pay attention to this peaceful
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: and respectful relationship.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: With your in laws. Amazing.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And then hopefully from that foundation, eventually you're going
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: to start to be like, you know what, we might
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: be fucking different, but I actually love her taste in music,
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: or I actually think that she's quite fucking witty with
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: other things. You might start to see sides of her
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: that you're like, you know what, it's not all bad.
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: I see why my brother's with her.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: I might have these differences because she's done things to
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: piss me off initially, but all in all, there are
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: things that I can see in her that I value,
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: or that I quite like, or that I find, you know,
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: pretty cool, or that I.
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: Can even admire. If you can get to that.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: Point, then it starts to improve that dynamic more and
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: more and more. Ideally, you want to get it to
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: a point where the three if you can hang out
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: really well. But at the very least, you want to
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: get it to a point where you can comfortably hang
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: out with your brother and he doesn't feel torn between
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: his wife and his family.
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: All right, Thank you so.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: Much guys for sending in your questions, and keep them coming.
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: Keep the voice We've got heaps to go through.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: Some thrilled about that, but keep the voice messages coming,
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: keep the emails coming.
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: If you are interested in submitting it.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: Or if you want to give me an update, please
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: do and have the like update in caps and then
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: a really really cool title to follow. Obviously, send your
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: emails questions to info at de wifempod dot com and
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: send your voice no so your voice messages on the website.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: There's a little speak pype thing where you press the
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: button and just record, and that is www dot dwifmpod
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: dot com.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much guys. As always, remember becount to yourself,
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: be county your brain.
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: from yourself.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: Dunk