Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 302. The Ways Men And Women Are Wired So Differently When It Comes To Sex, And Why It Is Important For Both Spouses To Know The Differences!

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302. The Ways Men And Women Are Wired So Differently When It Comes To Sex, And Why It Is Important For Both Spouses To Know The Differences! · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

0:00
Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
0:07
Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you have been married, you can find passion, happiness and romance at any stage of your life.
0:14
Speaker 1: Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat-out fun.
0:22
Speaker 1: Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship.
0:40
Speaker 2: What time?
0:40
Speaker 1: is it, babe, time for the ultimate intimacy podcast?
0:44
Speaker 2: I just meant what time is it Like, literally, yeah, what time is it, babe, time for the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast?
0:45
Speaker 2: I just meant what time is it Like, literally, yeah, what time is it?
0:48
Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcast with Nick and Amy.
0:51
Speaker 2: Hope you're doing well.
0:53
Speaker 1: Wait, I'm stuck.
0:53
Speaker 1: Why did you ask me that?
0:55
Speaker 2: Just asked what time it was.
0:56
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're recording right now.
1:00
Speaker 1: Okay, we're ready, we're rolling, it's time to talk about recording right now.
1:01
Speaker 1: Okay, we're ready, we're rolling it's time to talk about intimate the intimate things.
1:11
Speaker 1: Intimate things.
1:12
Speaker 2: Nick's excited for this podcast because you can only imagine we're speaking about today.
1:14
Speaker 2: What, yeah?
1:15
Speaker 1: what are we talking?
1:15
Speaker 1: I don't know.
1:15
Speaker 2: You tell me um, we were talking about some good stuff some good stuff.
1:20
Speaker 1: We always talk about good stuff we always talk about good stuff.
1:23
Speaker 2: We always talk about good stuff.
1:24
Speaker 2: We're talking about great stuff today.
1:26
Speaker 2: All right, one of the biggest things that I think so many couples wonder is why are men and women wired so differently when it comes to sexual intimacy?
1:35
Speaker 2: Because if we weren't, nobody would do anything else.
1:41
Speaker 2: That's true.
1:41
Speaker 1: That's true, yeah, I really think that's my answer.
1:45
Speaker 2: If we were, both wired is high drives.
1:47
Speaker 2: I just I think there would be each nobody would accomplish anything the average family would have 40 kids and yeah, it'd be don't you think god created that for a reason?
1:59
Speaker 1: I?
1:59
Speaker 2: do but it for a lot of marriages.
2:02
Speaker 1: it causes a lot of contention and issues, but isn't that the whole point of marriage is trying to figure out how to understand each other.
2:09
Speaker 2: Trying to find balance.
2:09
Speaker 2: Find balance.
2:11
Speaker 1: That kind of is the whole test of marriage I'm not just talking about in sexual ways, but in every way.
2:17
Speaker 2: Yeah, right, yeah, totally agree.
2:19
Speaker 1: Like I need this, you need this.
2:20
Speaker 1: How do we compromise?
2:21
Speaker 1: You need this, I need this, you need this.
2:23
Speaker 1: How do we compromise?
2:24
Speaker 1: You need this, I need this.
2:24
Speaker 1: How do we compromise?
2:25
Speaker 1: Like teamwork, like you have to have differences to be able to learn how to be a team I totally agree with you nick's still frustrated with it, though, because he's like why can't you have a drive like mine, as like probably every husband thinks, and some women?
2:39
Speaker 2: yeah, yep, if you.
2:41
Speaker 2: Well, no, we, I mean, we have a hey who?
2:45
Speaker 1: nobody's right or wrong here, though what about me?
2:47
Speaker 1: What if I'm like why do you have such a high drive?
2:48
Speaker 1: I wish you had a low drive.
2:49
Speaker 1: What's the difference?
2:50
Speaker 2: you do think that.
2:51
Speaker 1: So yeah, I know, that's not low I don't want to say low, I don't want to offend anyone that like like lower, maybe not low, I don't want low, because I know what it's like to have like I've heard what it's like to have a husband with like a really low drive, and that hurts marriage too.
3:08
Speaker 2: So that balance still has to be there, right yeah, I really do think this podcast will be a good episode for both husbands or wives, because we're going to talk about why, why we're wired so differently and obviously talk about each one of these things, and there's going to be a lot of things in here.
3:26
Speaker 2: I think that maybe you didn't think of or didn't realize that might make some sense too, and so we'll go through this list and again, we got to put a disclaimer because we're going to get ripped apart.
3:38
Speaker 2: We understand it's not everyone that's like this.
3:41
Speaker 2: So, as we're going through this list, you're not if this doesn't apply to you, if you're different.
3:47
Speaker 2: Please don't send us hate mail and tell us how awful we are um just realize we are the majority.
3:54
Speaker 1: The majority of couples are this way well, and if we say high drive husband or high drive wife, it can be swapped, right, we know that it can go the other way around.
4:02
Speaker 1: So just in your mind, swap that, yeah.
4:02
Speaker 1: Right, then you'll be exactly right and know that it can go the other way around.
4:04
Speaker 2: So just in your mind, swap that, yeah right, then you'll be exactly right, and we do need to say so.
4:08
Speaker 2: This list comes from a, I believe, a blog article that laura brotherson did.
4:13
Speaker 2: She's a she's awesome she's awesome.
4:15
Speaker 2: She's written a lot of books, she's a marriage and sex expert therapist, and so the list that we are going off is um something that she put together and credited to her, so we will say that she's awesome, yep, so all right, let's dive right in.
4:31
Speaker 2: So the differences between men and women when it comes to sex.
4:34
Speaker 2: So men typically have a very strong sex drive typically, and women typically have a very weak sex drive.
4:43
Speaker 1: Weak, that's what it said.
4:45
Speaker 2: That's what it said.
4:45
Speaker 2: That's what it says.
4:46
Speaker 2: Don't get mad at us.
4:47
Speaker 1: We're just reading off her thing Weak sex drive.
4:50
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going to say weaker it's not always weak, it's weaker.
4:55
Speaker 1: I can't really say weaker, because yours isn't weak.
4:58
Speaker 2: I guess it is weak.
4:59
Speaker 2: I think she says in her article that men generally have a constant hunger for, for sex.
5:06
Speaker 1: Women don't constantly have that hunger for if you tell a wife or a feminist that they will freak out.
5:12
Speaker 1: That is not a need in marriage.
5:14
Speaker 1: How do you know?
5:16
Speaker 1: You've never been a man exactly yeah, like, how, like, how does a what?
5:20
Speaker 1: How does a wife or a woman say that when they've never been a man?
5:23
Speaker 1: Like that's not a need for a man.
5:24
Speaker 1: You don't have his body.
5:25
Speaker 1: How do you know that?
5:27
Speaker 1: Well, you're exactly right, I'm not saying it's a physical need, like you're going to die I'm not saying that and, of course, like we can dive deeper into this but if it's really important to a man and his body is built different, how do you tell him that his body doesn't need that?
5:51
Speaker 2: like how I don't, I don't know.
5:51
Speaker 2: No, and I'm glad you brought that up because it's so true like man, a lot of women just say, oh, he just wants sex, and they did totally disregard, like how important it is for a man in so many ways if they really knew, like how his body worked and how he desired this and craved this, and how it's a way for him to be intimate with his wife and it's so much more than sex.
6:04
Speaker 2: I don't know how to say this.
6:06
Speaker 2: We've said it so many times, I don't know how to say it anymore that and men know what I'm talking about is sex is not just sex to us, like, it's so much more than that.
6:17
Speaker 2: So, ladies, it's sex is not just about sex.
6:21
Speaker 2: To a man, it's sex, it's so much more than that.
6:27
Speaker 1: You're not passionate about that.
6:29
Speaker 2: I'm not passionate.
6:30
Speaker 1: Do you want to keep going?
6:31
Speaker 1: Nope, I'm done, okay.
6:35
Speaker 2: All right.
6:36
Speaker 1: We get it, we get it.
6:37
Speaker 1: Well, we didn't really talk much about that.
6:39
Speaker 1: What about the weak sex drive?
6:41
Speaker 2: The weak sex drive.
6:42
Speaker 1: We're talking about you, but what about the women?
6:46
Speaker 2: sex drive, the weak sex drive.
6:47
Speaker 2: We're talking about you, but what about the women?
6:48
Speaker 1: I think you should talk about the women.
6:49
Speaker 1: I have no idea what it's like.
6:49
Speaker 1: Nick just wants to skip right over that.
6:50
Speaker 2: I have no idea what it's like to have a weak sex drive.
6:52
Speaker 2: Okay, but are we talking?
6:54
Speaker 1: about how to fix these things in marriage, or are we just talking about them?
6:58
Speaker 2: Well, we're talking about them and obviously we'll talk about how to.
7:00
Speaker 1: Are we going back to them?
7:02
Speaker 2: How to fix them.
7:03
Speaker 1: Okay, well, we have to talk about this one for a second.
7:05
Speaker 1: If your spouse has a weaker sex drive, why don't you find out why?
7:09
Speaker 1: And instead of getting upset and taking it personally that, like I can't believe you don't desire me, like, men also need to understand.
7:17
Speaker 1: Like we're trying to help women understand, men also need to understand that just because they have a high drive doesn't mean their wife is broken or something's wrong with them.
7:26
Speaker 1: Like why don't you have a high drive?
7:27
Speaker 1: We feel the same way sometimes about you, so nobody's right or wrong here.
7:32
Speaker 1: It's about finding a balance, right?
7:33
Speaker 1: I mean that's the whole point of this podcast is to talk about trying to find a balance between the two.
7:38
Speaker 1: So, if she has a weak drive, instead of taking it offensive and like you just don't desire me anymore, like look at all the reasons that women, their libido, dies down, like hormone changes, having kids changes your body.
7:52
Speaker 1: Like she's sacrificed a lot in marriage and her body has changed and her mind has probably changed too, there has to be discussion, communication, patience and if you need to go to a hormone doctor, I mean there's if there's a lot of stress on her, like we're mental so most, most of the time, most of the time, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna be on the men's side for this I know you are
8:19
Speaker 2: most of the time, the women are gonna point the finger at the man and say it's your fault that you want sex so much.
8:24
Speaker 2: It's your fault you feel this way.
8:26
Speaker 2: It's your fault you desire it and we're often made to feel like what's wrong with me.
8:31
Speaker 2: Why do I desire this?
8:33
Speaker 2: Why do I have this strong desire to make love to my wife?
8:35
Speaker 2: And in most cases I would say that it's the wife pointing the finger at the man okay, okay, that's a valid reason.
8:44
Speaker 1: I don't think always, but yes, no, I didn't say I was.
8:46
Speaker 2: I didn't say I was um, but yeah, a lot of the times it's the wife that's frustrated the husband for wanting it so much and the husband is frustrating the wife for not wanting it so much.
8:56
Speaker 2: The frustration goes both ways but we only know what we know.
9:00
Speaker 2: I only know what goes on in my head.
9:02
Speaker 2: I have no idea what goes on here, and that's the entire point I'm trying to make is that we don't know what goes on in my head.
9:05
Speaker 1: I have no idea what goes on here and that's the entire point I'm trying to make is that we don't know what's going on in the other person's head and that's where we have to talk about it and we have to be patient with that person.
9:13
Speaker 1: I've had to be patient a lot with Nick like I'm not really in the mood or I have all this stuff going on.
9:22
Speaker 1: You're not even paying attention to what's going on in my life and here you are, like, like trying to get some.
9:27
Speaker 1: It's a bad timing, like we have to learn how to get to know our spouse and read our spouse and talk to our spouse, so this doesn't become a frustration point.
9:36
Speaker 1: That's the entire point, right?
9:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think the whole point of this podcast is for women to understand how men are and for men to understand how women are.
9:47
Speaker 2: Present the facts so that each spouse can say oh yeah, that is how they are and understand why they're that way and then figure out how do we find that balance?
9:56
Speaker 1: And I hope that everyone listening knows that you have a man with a high drive supporting you.
10:01
Speaker 1: You have a woman with a lower drive supporting the women.
10:03
Speaker 1: We're going to have conversations on that.
10:05
Speaker 1: So this is what we do because it has caused frustration in our own marriage.
10:08
Speaker 1: We have gotten way better at communicating about and doing these things, but it really comes down to we are created different for a reason.
10:16
Speaker 1: We're gonna get into those reasons, like I don't think god makes mistakes.
10:20
Speaker 1: So whenever you start to question it like, why are you this way?
10:22
Speaker 1: Why are that?
10:23
Speaker 1: I don't.
10:24
Speaker 1: Let me rephrase that I don't think god I god doesn't make mistakes that's a fact.
10:29
Speaker 2: You don't think?
10:30
Speaker 1: I don't think well, I'm sure everyone's thought like well, why did he do this and why did he do this and why are we not compatible in this way?
10:36
Speaker 1: And blah, blah, blah.
10:37
Speaker 1: There's reasons for that.
10:38
Speaker 1: You just have to, we just have to dive into it agreed I.
10:43
Speaker 1: I truly believe there's reasons for it and when you find that balance, you start to understand why we are created differently and and that that it really does balance marriage out, because if everyone was a high drive, that would the world would be a disaster, and if everyone was a low drive, the world would be like I.
11:00
Speaker 1: I think he did this on.
11:01
Speaker 1: He did this on purpose.
11:02
Speaker 1: We just have to figure out how to make it work in our marriages and not let it tear us apart and find it.
11:08
Speaker 2: The key is to find a balance as a husband.
11:10
Speaker 2: You've got to recognize you're not going to be making love several times a day Not going to happen.
11:14
Speaker 1: Or once a day.
11:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe some people are once a day.
11:18
Speaker 2: I don't know anyone and as a wife, you've got to realize that it's not fair to your husband to say, hey, we're going to make love once every month.
11:27
Speaker 1: I don't know that you can say it's not fair, because the husband also has to be a good husband Well, yeah, and we're talking, of course.
11:33
Speaker 1: Well, let's just clarify that though, just in case someone new is listening.
11:37
Speaker 2: we're talking to couples that have a decent marriage.
11:39
Speaker 1: That have a good marriage where the husband's faithful and respectful and kind and loving.
11:50
Speaker 2: The, the husband's faithful and respectful and kind and loving the basis are there in the marriage.
11:52
Speaker 2: That's who we're talking to.
11:52
Speaker 1: Yeah, if you, if you're in an unhealthy marriage, then you have probably every reason to feel why you don't want to make love, exactly.
11:55
Speaker 2: Let's just yeah, okay, okay.
11:56
Speaker 2: Number two a man is ready to go at any time and a woman is not ready to go at any time.
12:03
Speaker 2: They need a lot of warm-up.
12:06
Speaker 1: Oh, once, that's a pretty big difference.
12:08
Speaker 2: And it is so true.
12:09
Speaker 2: Every man knows what I'm talking about right.
12:11
Speaker 2: Like we could be in the middle of getting bombed in war and your wife could say I want to go make love real quick in between the bombings, and a man would say absolutely.
12:21
Speaker 1: That is so farfetched.
12:22
Speaker 1: But okay, but it's true, it's not, it's not true.
12:28
Speaker 1: So most men wait what?
12:29
Speaker 1: Who am I to say that I'm not?
12:29
Speaker 2: a guy, yeah, so most men are ready to go at any time, and most women are not.
12:34
Speaker 1: Are we gonna talk about that for a sec?
12:36
Speaker 2: yeah, most women need warming up the whole purpose have.
12:41
Speaker 1: Okay, it wasn't laura that said.
12:43
Speaker 1: I don't remember who said this quote.
12:45
Speaker 1: If it was her, she gets credit for it.
12:46
Speaker 1: But men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots.
12:53
Speaker 2: I think it was her.
12:55
Speaker 1: Okay, so that means boom, husband's ready in 20 seconds.
13:01
Speaker 1: He's nice and ready.
13:02
Speaker 2: Men are more like Jimmy John's, a fast drive-thru, or like immediate.
13:07
Speaker 1: Good to go.
13:07
Speaker 1: I think the microwave's faster.
13:09
Speaker 1: Nice comparison, though Nick's trying to come up with his own analogies.
13:13
Speaker 1: It's not quite working.
13:15
Speaker 2: Sorry, I got to get back on track here.
13:17
Speaker 1: The women are like crockpots, where it takes us time to warm up, unless you have the V-ring, of course.
13:23
Speaker 1: I'm going to have the v-ring, of course I'm gonna.
13:24
Speaker 1: The v-ring is gonna make you more like a man you're gonna be like ready in like 10 seconds, so I can't always say that they're like crockpots yeah, we actually had a husband email us and he's like holy cow, my wife has never gone so quickly.
13:36
Speaker 2: Um is this normal?
13:38
Speaker 1: yeah, it's normal, it's great.
13:39
Speaker 1: Actually, they also think, okay, I'm just gonna throw this in there.
13:43
Speaker 1: Sorry, I'm not trying to like repeat myself all the time, but the V-ring, literally I'm like, I think I turned more into the man.
13:50
Speaker 1: I was like faster, like, and you doesn't have to like finish faster, it can just go longer.
13:56
Speaker 1: Anyways, sorry I'm getting off track now, but if you're not using the V-ring, you're going to be more like a crock pot.
14:01
Speaker 1: It's gonna take time, which can be really frustrating for a lot of women and husbands that the four plane stuff and arousal takes so much longer.
14:10
Speaker 1: But yes, because women are their biggest sex organ, is their brain right?
14:17
Speaker 1: So if they're mentally not there, it's gonna take them longer to get physically there because the mental well, there's just a lot, there's a lot on our minds.
14:26
Speaker 1: So so I've heard so I'm next to one thing on his mind.
14:31
Speaker 1: Amy has a hundred things on her mind at any given second like hey, babe, you want to make love?
14:36
Speaker 2: yeah sure.
14:37
Speaker 2: What's the temperature out?
14:38
Speaker 2: Feels a little cool in here.
14:39
Speaker 1: Well, it's 71 instead of 72 oh no, I've never he's so exaggerating you that light is a little bright, so that's the neighbor.
14:47
Speaker 1: I have said can you go?
14:48
Speaker 2: have the neighbor turn off their light.
14:49
Speaker 2: Oh, our blinds are closed you're just rambling.
14:54
Speaker 1: Now I'm totally.
14:56
Speaker 1: He's just making fun of me.
14:58
Speaker 1: I'm slightly joking I've never said anything except for that it's bright it's bright yeah, that's true, that's true.
15:05
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, a little.
15:06
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm exaggerating.
15:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, all right number three the physical is a.
15:11
Speaker 2: For a man, the physical is a bridge to the emotional connection, meaning men typically want to have sexual intimacy or the physical part which is going to help them have a better emotional intimacy.
15:23
Speaker 2: But for a woman, the emotional connection is a bridge to the physical connection.
15:29
Speaker 1: We've talked about this in podcasts before.
15:31
Speaker 2: So this is completely opposite.
15:33
Speaker 2: So it's kind of like the chicken and the egg thing, right, which comes first.
15:36
Speaker 2: So for a man, if his wife isn't being sexually and physically intimate with him, he's probably not going to be really good at providing the emotional right and if the wife's not getting the emotional connection, she's not going to want to provide the physical connection.
15:54
Speaker 1: So you have this total standoff right once again, I'm not giving in, like he you know he's doing this or she's doing this.
16:02
Speaker 2: So we've talked about these toxic games that couples play in marriage, and so here we are the complete opposite, meaning to get one to to get one thing.
16:13
Speaker 2: We, we do one thing, and actually I just totally butchered that, yeah you did so, anyways, I'm going to shut my mouth.
16:19
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying to get one thing, you give another thing to are you saying that marriage is transactional?
16:26
Speaker 2: so no what I'm saying is like part if you say that what I'm saying is if men want to have more sexual intimacy, they got to give the emotional intimacy.
16:35
Speaker 2: And for a woman, yeah, you don't want to say I 100 agree with you being a wife.
16:41
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say that there's not transactions in marriage like we've done a podcast on that.
16:46
Speaker 2: Everything in life is a transaction if you don't think, don't get nick started on this.
16:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, if you don't think there's things that are transactional in marriage, you're smoking something, because everything like I don't even get, no, no, get started.
17:01
Speaker 1: This is a good spot.
17:01
Speaker 1: We need to talk about this no, everything's transactional.
17:04
Speaker 2: You trade your time for money at your work.
17:06
Speaker 2: You go to the store and you pay for groceries.
17:09
Speaker 2: You go to the gas station, you get gas for money.
17:12
Speaker 2: You, you know everything, hobbies.
17:15
Speaker 2: Everything you do in life is pretty much a transaction even in marriage.
17:21
Speaker 1: Why don't you explain?
17:22
Speaker 2: that in marriage absolutely nick gives a foot rub or a back rub so that he can get some babe, I will give you the most amazing butt rub.
17:30
Speaker 2: If, uh, we can make love tonight, that is a win-win.
17:34
Speaker 1: Her, her bottom's happy oh my gosh stop like that is a win-win nick actually gets um fan emails and says that people love his personality so much because he's so funny.
17:47
Speaker 2: No, it's not I actually.
17:49
Speaker 2: So, and Amy, I guess this is where you.
17:52
Speaker 2: No, I'm just being.
17:54
Speaker 1: I'm being for real I know, I know that that is you for real, unfortunately.
17:58
Speaker 1: He literally, will just come up to me and say, hey, I, my hands are in the mood to give you a body massage tonight.
18:05
Speaker 1: My hands is there any chance, by the way, we could make love after, and I'm like that's only fair, a win-win I'm a respectful guy, I ask you do ask, but I, I we're gonna get slaughtered for this.
18:20
Speaker 1: Go back and listen to our is marriage transactional episode.
18:23
Speaker 1: It's way back.
18:24
Speaker 1: It was really good though I think.
18:25
Speaker 1: I think I remember being really good.
18:27
Speaker 1: Um, we talked about there are transactions in marriage, and not in a negative way.
18:32
Speaker 1: I'm not saying in a negative way, like you do this, I do this.
18:35
Speaker 1: Everything has to be transactional.
18:36
Speaker 1: But in a loving, healthy marriage there are things where a person will do something in return for something and this is kind of where this whole sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy thing comes in.
18:48
Speaker 1: Nick gives emotional intimacy so I want to make love If, if he wasn't being loving and respectful and a little bit romantic, I'm going to probably feel a little more closed up, closed off to the physical sexual intimacy.
19:03
Speaker 1: I just am, and most women will agree to that.
19:05
Speaker 1: Now, when we are giving intimacy and I'm saying not just we, not women, but like high drive or lower drive, spouses are giving, are I don't want to say giving in, but prioritizing the sexual and the physical connection more often, usually the emotional intimacy is felt more often also like I don't care.
19:30
Speaker 1: If you hate the word transaction, okay, take that out.
19:32
Speaker 2: Let me reframe you're, you're giving your spouse something in return for something else, and that's usually what happens in marriage whatever however you want to look at that, it happens I can promise you that the people that are having transactional stuff in their relationship probably have a lot better sex life than those that are like transactions are horrible it's all, mindset, it's all if you have that attitude.
19:56
Speaker 2: You're immediately going to say, well, my spouse is only doing this for one thing, and a person that's thinking like, oh, that's, I know why he's doing this, but that still means a lot to me he wants to make love.
20:07
Speaker 2: I know why he's doing it, right.
20:08
Speaker 2: He wants something, but that's nice of him to do it, and someone else's attitude is gonna be like the only reason he's doing this is because he wants this.
20:15
Speaker 2: It's all about.
20:16
Speaker 2: It's all about attitude it's all about attitude.
20:18
Speaker 1: I'm glad you pointed that out because it really is the way you think about that word.
20:22
Speaker 1: Like in our marriage, nick's like hey I'll I know how much you hate to go to the grocery store I'll run there and take care of dinner tonight, and that makes me super happy and sometimes I'm that put me in the mood.
20:32
Speaker 1: Like sometimes we do things to put our spouse I mean most husbands will admit like I'm going to go rub her feet, I'm going to give her a back massage, I'm going to do whatever I can, I'm going to clean up the house Whatever.
20:42
Speaker 2: It's called foreplay.
20:44
Speaker 1: It's called foreplay, but isn't foreplay kind of transactional?
20:47
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going to do this to you to try and get you in the mood.
20:52
Speaker 1: Like that's transactional actually.
20:54
Speaker 2: The point we're trying to make is there's nothing wrong with having transactional things.
20:58
Speaker 1: It's all about your attitude If you have a good attitude and a positive marriage.
21:02
Speaker 2: Yep.
21:03
Speaker 1: If you change your attitude and be like I appreciate that you're doing this.
21:08
Speaker 1: Hey, I know this means a lot to you.
21:10
Speaker 1: How about I do this for you?
21:11
Speaker 1: Everybody's happy, an attitude of gratitude, an attitude of gratitude, all right.
21:17
Speaker 2: Moving on number four, men need sex to feel loved and women need love to desire sex.
21:25
Speaker 1: Let that, let that blow your mind um, you just blew my I mean laura blew our mind.
21:32
Speaker 1: Actually, we already kind of knew that.
21:34
Speaker 2: It's so simple, but it's so true.
21:35
Speaker 2: It's so true Like if men feel loved through sexual intimacy and women need to feel loved to even have the desire for sex.
21:47
Speaker 1: Don't husbands need to feel loved, to have the desire for sex?
21:50
Speaker 2: We feel loved by making love.
21:52
Speaker 1: But you have to have already felt a little bit loved before that you don't want to just like.
21:57
Speaker 1: That's how we feel loved I mean that is like I'm just trying to like put you on the spot no, like what if?
22:02
Speaker 1: Your wife, like literally, is just being a big jerk and treats you like crap.
22:07
Speaker 1: Would you still want to make love to her?
22:09
Speaker 2: probably, yes is that a yes?
22:11
Speaker 1: because it's that.
22:12
Speaker 1: Is it physical?
22:13
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, I think a husband would physical.
22:14
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, I think a husband would say Is that going to fix that?
22:16
Speaker 2: I think a husband would say you know what?
22:18
Speaker 2: Well, I mean, obviously it depends on how bad things are, but even after a fight, like a husband's going to feel like okay, everything's good again.
22:25
Speaker 2: Right, she loves me.
22:27
Speaker 1: Like we're cool, we're good, okay, this is where I want to kind of talk about this and a woman's going to be like you.
22:32
Speaker 2: Stay the heck away from me for four days.
22:35
Speaker 2: I'm not even looking at you.
22:36
Speaker 1: I'm mad at you.
22:37
Speaker 1: I'm going to hold this in for days.
22:38
Speaker 2: I'm so mad at you.
22:39
Speaker 2: I'm going to remind you of this, for the rest of your life.
22:43
Speaker 1: That's right, okay, that's not okay.
22:47
Speaker 1: Obviously we're not going to get into like arguments and that kind of stuff, but I agree, I agree and this takes once again communication and balance and just prioritizing that we are different and this is going to look different to every marriage.
23:02
Speaker 2: Yeah right, I love the next one.
23:04
Speaker 2: For men, it is actually a physical build-up.
23:07
Speaker 2: For women, it's an emotional build-up what's an emotional buildup?
23:13
Speaker 1: I don't even know what that means.
23:15
Speaker 2: You have to be emotionally being built up to desire sex Like you have to be filled emotionally.
23:22
Speaker 1: Well, you don't if you just buy the V-ring and it's just like that feels really good.
23:26
Speaker 2: Okay well.
23:28
Speaker 1: Sorry, I'm blowing your.
23:29
Speaker 1: I'm blowing what she?
23:30
Speaker 2: says is for women.
23:30
Speaker 2: It's more of a psychological need, right.
23:33
Speaker 1: I was trying to make a joke.
23:34
Speaker 1: I'm not funny, I'm sorry.
23:35
Speaker 1: I'll leave that to Nick.
23:36
Speaker 1: No, you totally are.
23:37
Speaker 1: I'll leave that to Nick.
23:38
Speaker 2: So I love the example that she gives and I'm going to read this.
23:40
Speaker 2: So she says if you haven't fed your baby in a long time, you feel the buildup of milk in your breasts and feel a desire for relief through breastfeeding.
23:50
Speaker 2: Breastfeeding Most women don't necessarily feel the buildup of sexual desire over time.
23:53
Speaker 2: Women need to feel close to their husbands.
23:59
Speaker 2: I like that example because maybe a woman can relate to that Like man I gotta.
24:02
Speaker 1: I just I'm laughing because you read it so serious.
24:04
Speaker 2: I did Well.
24:04
Speaker 2: I wanted to read her thing exactly.
24:07
Speaker 1: I don't want to read it and be putting my If you've had a baby and you are breastfed, you breastfed or breastfeed.
24:14
Speaker 1: I breastfed all four of our kids for a very long time.
24:18
Speaker 1: I get that analogy.
24:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, I get that analogy.
24:20
Speaker 2: We're being very serious here.
24:22
Speaker 2: That's what she's saying for a woman.
24:24
Speaker 1: So a man literally has a physical buildup.
24:27
Speaker 2: Just like a woman does for breastfeed.
24:29
Speaker 1: Where he's like I have to release.
24:31
Speaker 2: Yeah.
24:32
Speaker 1: I have to release.
24:32
Speaker 1: So once again, going back to if you've never been a man, which, if you're a woman, you haven't been a man.
24:39
Speaker 1: Let's just put that out there.
24:41
Speaker 2: Hold on, Hold on.
24:42
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was going to say.
24:43
Speaker 2: I mean, nowadays you just have to say that you're a man.
24:46
Speaker 1: Okay, women cannot be men.
24:52
Speaker 2: And men cannot be women if you're a man.
24:56
Speaker 1: Okay, women cannot be a man and men cannot be a woman.
24:59
Speaker 1: Let's just set that straight.
25:00
Speaker 1: We all know where we stand on that.
25:02
Speaker 1: Um, you have never experienced what it feels like to be a man, and men have never breastfed and felt what it experienced what it's like to be a woman.
25:11
Speaker 1: Men that have a high drive have probably never realized what it's like to have a low drive and low drive people maybe have experienced having a high drive, I don't know, maybe at the beginning of the relationship, when it was back in that infatuation stuff that which isn't real, real, deep love.
25:27
Speaker 1: We've talked about that also in previous podcasts.
25:30
Speaker 1: So here we are after in the infatuation stage.
25:33
Speaker 1: We are deep in love and we have different drives right, stress, life all these things have caused us to have different drives.
25:41
Speaker 1: This is where that was a great analogy, because we do change, our bodies change and I don't understand how you feel down there and you don't feel us like it's in.
25:53
Speaker 1: That's an important fact for her to state uh, yes, it just is and so any woman that says sex is not a need, it's not a physical need, he's not going to die.
26:04
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's not going to die, but for your, your marriage will die.
26:09
Speaker 1: I mean, go talk to anyone that's in a sexless marriage and the marriage sucks absolutely the marriage is dying.
26:15
Speaker 1: It's either only staying together for the kids and it's not passionate bad eventually it's going to end eventually or both people are going to die super miserable.
26:26
Speaker 1: I mean, that's why we have this podcast is to help people realize how important sex is right, and emotional connection of course, but if you want a passionate marriage, it has to be sexual.
26:35
Speaker 1: That's why most men get married is to have a wife to make love to.
26:38
Speaker 1: I'm just going to flat out stay out there Like if I would have told Nick when he proposed and we started dating I said I'm never going to have sex when I'm married.
26:46
Speaker 1: It's never going to happen.
26:47
Speaker 1: He'd be like, yeah, I'm going to find someone else.
26:49
Speaker 1: Like sorry every man would think that right.
26:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not you, it's me.
26:56
Speaker 1: But the best of luck to you, funny Right.
26:59
Speaker 1: That would have ended real quick, like any, if people actually like had that conversation and they're like are you going to keep your end of the deal too?
27:07
Speaker 1: That?
27:07
Speaker 2: sex is very important in this marriage.
27:08
Speaker 2: Well, okay, right, that's commitment and we've talked about this before.
27:11
Speaker 2: But when you're dating like, you're both like on fire for each other.
27:15
Speaker 1: You are, it's new and it's exciting.
27:17
Speaker 2: Like you were.
27:19
Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about it.
27:20
Speaker 1: You were when we first got married.
27:24
Speaker 2: When we were dating, oh, you were wanting to kiss me all the time.
27:28
Speaker 1: I thought, yeah, I was just going to say we kissed yeah, no, that's what I'm saying.
27:31
Speaker 2: it's like you, but that you were still like showing affection to me all the time.
27:34
Speaker 1: I'm like oh man, this girl's old nick is still stuck all over me nick is still stuck on four podcast episodes ago where we had this conversation like where did that go, where?
27:44
Speaker 1: How did it disappear?
27:46
Speaker 2: yeah, yeah it was like a magician performed a magic act it disappeared no, it didn't, I'm teasing.
27:52
Speaker 2: Everyone knows that we can joke around and and they can hear us going back and forth and see us smiling what?
27:59
Speaker 1: okay, yeah, that's why we're gonna start recording videos soon yeah, anyways yes, so where were we physical build-up?
28:09
Speaker 1: Physical build-up is build up is real okay, and I now, after listen to that analogy, I get it all right, I get it, I get it okay, the next one.
28:22
Speaker 2: Uh, men have sex as a reaction and women.
28:26
Speaker 2: For women, sex is a decision.
28:28
Speaker 2: What do you think that means for men?
28:30
Speaker 1: it's a reaction, because you are already in the mood, because your body's telling you it and your mind and all the whole thing is telling you that you need to make love, right, right yeah, am I right, okay, totally true, it's almost like a guy's looking for any little thing to say, okay, it's go time, or if my wife's, it's go time and and for a woman it's a decision.
28:53
Speaker 2: It's like more of like.
28:55
Speaker 1: I have to decide in my mind if it's going to be yes.
28:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.
28:59
Speaker 1: Yes, which leads us back to the episode where we talked about.
29:01
Speaker 1: Does the lower drive spouse usually control when sex happens, right?
29:06
Speaker 2: Yes For most relationships?
29:08
Speaker 2: I think probably yeah, don't you think?
29:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I agree, don't you think?
29:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I, I agree with that to a point.
29:17
Speaker 2: Anyways, I don't want to get on that podcast episode.
29:18
Speaker 1: But um in a normal, healthy marriage you just made me lose where I was gonna say oh, sex is a decision, yes, mentally 100.
29:26
Speaker 1: A wife has to be positive about it and say, okay, you can.
29:29
Speaker 1: You can get me in the mood, like.
29:32
Speaker 1: There are nights where I'm like I'm not in the mood to even talk about it.
29:34
Speaker 1: Why are you trying?
29:35
Speaker 1: I don't feel good, whatever.
29:36
Speaker 1: Oh, you know all those I don't want to say I don't feel good because there's always those excuses.
29:41
Speaker 1: I'm tired, I'm stressed, I spent too long on my phone.
29:43
Speaker 1: I'd rather not prioritize you, I'd rather prioritize everyone else.
29:46
Speaker 1: Let's just be honest, women.
29:47
Speaker 1: That's what it usually means 9 pm.
29:48
Speaker 1: It's late don't give our age away, oh that's right, yeah, giving our age away.
29:56
Speaker 1: When you say it's late, at 9 pm, no, we're not usually in bed by 9 pm, but but I'm just like usually, when a wife says I'm tired or I have a headache or I don't feel good or it's literally, you might as well just come out and be like I prioritized everyone else ahead of you.
30:10
Speaker 1: Now I'm exhausted, I that's one of the reasons there's always excuses right.
30:18
Speaker 1: So, yes, you have to be a wife that says I am excited to make love to you.
30:24
Speaker 1: I'm not really in the mood, but I know you can put me in the mood.
30:28
Speaker 1: I'm mentally willing to get there.
30:30
Speaker 1: I know this is important for you and our marriage, and it's important for me too.
30:33
Speaker 1: Oh, and there's a lot of health reasons that are actually good for my body too, so there's lots of positive reasons to do this I'm not saying this has to be like all the time.
30:42
Speaker 1: Just you know, whatever that balance looks like in your marriage exactly okay, moving on exactly no, you're you can move on now you're spitting facts, all right, uh.
30:53
Speaker 2: Next one is men are typically stimulated visually and women are typically stimulated mentally or through touch, like you said.
31:06
Speaker 1: I just totally disagree with this your mind is your biggest sex organ.
31:09
Speaker 1: Is it your mind wired to your eyeballs?
31:15
Speaker 2: Oh, it's saying, for most people, for most men, they're stimulated visually, for most women, they're stimulated mentally.
31:25
Speaker 1: I don't know.
31:25
Speaker 1: I think if men would get a six-pack and rip their shirt off, I think women would be stimulated pretty quick.
31:29
Speaker 1: Is that the wrong answer?
31:35
Speaker 2: No, it's not the wrong answer.
31:36
Speaker 2: No, it's not the wrong answer.
31:38
Speaker 2: I you'll see me have a six-pack in about four weeks you say that every month that's all I knew that's.
31:43
Speaker 2: All it takes is a six-pack.
31:44
Speaker 2: Oh man, I'm gonna go on a diet okay, let's be serious right now I'm being serious yeah, right, um, I do agree, I do, I okay.
31:53
Speaker 1: First off, I'm gonna side with the women that I think we're more visual than men think we are.
31:58
Speaker 1: I think they like, oh, men are so visual, women are just as visual.
32:01
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, like, if you let yourself go, it's totally going to affect us.
32:05
Speaker 2: Number two yes, we are stimulated mentally through hearing and also through touch, that's hearing and touch.
32:13
Speaker 1: Yes, touch, yes, I agree with that.
32:15
Speaker 1: But I think even like chore play if that's what you're talking about more like mentally, like yes, when we feel like you have really helped sorry, don't use the word help, go back to the help podcast when we feel like everything's been balanced and you've just been a really good husband and a good father, yeah, that stimulates us mentally, absolutely.
32:38
Speaker 1: Yeah, because it is, like we said, the biggest.
32:41
Speaker 1: So I don't want to say visuals like huge, but mental is definitely bigger for women.
32:45
Speaker 1: I do agree with that yep and I think I rambled there.
32:49
Speaker 1: Did that make sense?
32:49
Speaker 2: oh it made total sense and auditory meaning like um hearing.
32:55
Speaker 1: You mean auditorily or auditorily.
32:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, sorry, um meaning through like hearing.
33:00
Speaker 2: So if I say, hey babe, I'm gonna swoop the kitchen or hey babe, I'm gonna run, the trash out, or so once again chore play are those kind of the auditory things?
33:08
Speaker 1: no, because you have to do like I still think that's like sight, like I want to see you do it, not just say you're gonna go do it gotcha.
33:14
Speaker 1: I don't know what the auditory one means.
33:16
Speaker 2: I don't really know what that means, Just probably for a lot of women it's probably like compliments.
33:20
Speaker 1: Maybe, some of them are compliments and I love you and this is what I love about you.
33:24
Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm not really like that, so I don't know.
33:36
Speaker 2: I guess love language exactly, yeah, uh, the next one, this is a long list.
33:37
Speaker 1: It is we're about halfway through.
33:38
Speaker 1: That's it.
33:38
Speaker 2: Let's split this up into two podcasts sorry, oh, we're gonna split this up into two.
33:40
Speaker 2: Uh, the next one is uh, men typically come to climax quickly.
33:45
Speaker 2: Uh, women typically need more time to climax, unless you're using the b-ring I was gonna add in, unless you use the b-ring, and then you're gonna beat your husband 100 and your husband's um.
33:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, this will.
33:59
Speaker 1: The roles will be reversed, yeah yeah, yeah, I don't know what else to say to that.
34:04
Speaker 2: Like normally, yes, women do take a lot longer and don't you think, though, for many women, that's maybe why they don't enjoy sexual intimacy as much?
34:13
Speaker 2: As they're like it just takes too long.
34:15
Speaker 1: I think it can get really frustrating, especially like if you are tired or there are like other things on your mind like to be like oh, it takes 45 minutes for my body to get there and then it lasts and then I enjoy it for 30 seconds or whatever.
34:28
Speaker 1: Like, is it really worth it?
34:30
Speaker 1: a lot of women will say no yeah and that's why we promote the v-ring is because it it helps.
34:36
Speaker 1: Be faster if you want it to be I mean, you don't ever have to rush it right but if you want it to go a little quicker and you want your body to respond faster and you want your body to respond, respond longer, like enjoy it the whole time, like it feels good, like a man the whole time, like it's really helpful.
34:55
Speaker 1: So I I think that we have products now to kind of like fix that problem yeah, agreed.
35:01
Speaker 2: So this kind of ends part one of this podcast, but you can go check out the great products we have in shopultimate intimacycom, like the vibrating ring which will change everything for you.
35:13
Speaker 2: So go check it out Shopultimateintimatemassagecom.
35:19
Speaker 1: Oh wait, I'm going to add, though You've got to get the all-in-one intimate massage cream 100% organic lubricant to go with it, though that stuff is like key.
35:31
Speaker 1: I think you need both.
35:33
Speaker 1: I think every couple in the world needs both the v-ring and the lubricant massage cream in their nightstand you have marriage changing.
35:43
Speaker 2: You have the nick and amy guarantee of that like pretty much like don't come back at us.
35:48
Speaker 1: I don't know, but it really is.
35:50
Speaker 2: You have the guarantee, so go out.
35:51
Speaker 1: It's amazing.
35:52
Speaker 2: Let us know what you think.