Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1267 - How Burnt Out Parents Can Still Build Connection

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#1267 - How Burnt Out Parents Can Still Build Connection · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:06
Speaker 1: Many moons ago, I had a little bit of a
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Speaker 1: public spat with the one and only Wonderful Mea Friedman,
0:12
Speaker 1: who was on the record as saying I don't like
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Speaker 1: to play with my kids. She's basically saying the kid's boring,
0:18
Speaker 1: they're not fun to play with. Fun is horrible, especially
0:21
Speaker 1: when the kids are a little bit, even when they're bigger.
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Speaker 1: I don't want to play with them. They don't want
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Speaker 1: to play with me. It's really really difficult. It's I
0:27
Speaker 1: don't know, And then you're exhausted, you're overworked, you burnt out,
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Speaker 1: you just kind of want to have a bit of
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Speaker 1: me time and the.
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Speaker 2: Kids want to play. But there are so many benefits
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Speaker 2: to it.
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Speaker 1: And today we're going to talk about how we're supposed
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Speaker 1: to play with our kids, especially when we sometimes don't
0:42
Speaker 1: want to and have a.
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Speaker 2: Bad attitude towards it.
0:44
Speaker 1: Get a Welcome to The Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting
0:46
Speaker 1: Solutions every Day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast
0:50
Speaker 1: where Justin and Kylie Colson, parents have six kids who
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Speaker 1: often want to play, and sometimes we're not that enthusiastic
0:56
Speaker 1: about it ourselves.
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Speaker 2: Let's be honest.
1:00
Speaker 3: One of my faith things. Either, I understand where me
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Speaker 3: is coming from. And I think that a lot of times,
1:05
Speaker 3: as adults, we're so caught up in the to do
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Speaker 3: list of our lives that we actually don't stop to
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Speaker 3: smell the roses. How kids are the perfect barometer to
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Speaker 3: help us do that, but we don't see it that way.
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Speaker 1: So before we get into how to play with the kids,
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Speaker 1: I just want to make the argument about why play matters.
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Speaker 1: And you've got an early childcare background, you probably know
1:27
Speaker 1: as much, if not more, about this than I do
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Speaker 1: as I do, but we've got to make the argument.
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Speaker 1: And this argument doesn't just count for little kids. This
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Speaker 1: is for big kids as well, teenagers, and even for
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Speaker 1: one another as adults. Being playful changes relationships. Being playful
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Speaker 1: changes life. And there's this great quote. I can't remember
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Speaker 1: who said it. I think it was a guy called
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Speaker 1: Rudolph Drikers, but I might be wrong on that.
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Speaker 2: He said, play is the work of childhood.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I used to just go, Okay, that's a
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Speaker 1: really simple five or six word quote. Play is the
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Speaker 1: work of a seven word quote. But over time, as
2:02
Speaker 1: I've learned more about play, I've realized the depth, Like
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Speaker 1: there's so much complexity. Yeah, so much complexity in that
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Speaker 1: beautiful simple statement.
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Speaker 3: The fundamental principle I took away from my training in
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Speaker 3: early childhood all of those years ago, was just how
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Speaker 3: essential play is for our kids. But while I think
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Speaker 3: that most of us understand the importance of play for
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Speaker 3: our kids, we don't recognize the value that we play
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Speaker 3: a part in their play.
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Speaker 1: So I'm going to extend it. I'm going to say,
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Speaker 1: sometimes we treat play like a luxury item. It's what
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Speaker 1: we do when we've got time, It's what we do
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Speaker 1: when we're in a special place, it's what we do
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Speaker 1: when the circumstances permit. But play is not a luxury item.
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Speaker 1: Play is an essense essential.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's right.
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Speaker 1: And what we can talk about, the physical development, we
2:50
Speaker 1: can talk about. There are so many different areas of
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Speaker 1: life where it overlaps. This is why it is the
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Speaker 1: work of childhood. The area that I want to zero
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Speaker 1: went in on today because we do a short podcasters
3:00
Speaker 1: oriented towards coming up with solutions. I want to talk
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Speaker 1: about emotional intelligence. Play builds emotional intelligence. I do a
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Speaker 1: whole lot of webinars and seminars and presentations and keynotes
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Speaker 1: on emotional intelligence for executive leaders and for teachers and
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Speaker 1: for parents. So I'm just going to give a quick
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Speaker 1: definition of what emotional intelligence is. Emotional intelligence is when
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Speaker 1: you're aware of and regulating your own emotions, and you're
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Speaker 1: socially aware, so you can see how other people are feeling,
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Speaker 1: and then you can regulate or navigate or manage interactions
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Speaker 1: based on where you're at and.
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Speaker 2: Where other people are at.
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Speaker 1: Okay, So emotionally intelligent people recognize emotions, they react to others,
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Speaker 1: and they're able to manage relationships effectively as a result.
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Speaker 2: And this it.
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Speaker 1: Requires regulation in ambition, that requires the ability to turn
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Speaker 1: your emotions up or down, and also not to manipulate,
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Speaker 1: but certainly work with other people's emotions when they're up
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Speaker 1: or down, and even bring them down or bring them
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Speaker 1: up appropriately, not in a coercive, horrible way, but in
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Speaker 1: a socially acceptable and desirable way. This is I think
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Speaker 1: emotional intelligence is foundational for success in life, the ability
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Speaker 1: to get along with people. Google's project Aristol years ago,
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Speaker 1: most successful teams people had high emotional intelligence.
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Speaker 2: They knew how to work with each other.
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Speaker 3: I just think when you think about the importance of
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Speaker 3: this and you think about our kids' school system. Oh,
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Speaker 3: we've literally completely turned it all on its head.
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Speaker 2: So we're throwing a blanket over it.
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Speaker 1: I mean, there are plenty of teachers who are big
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Speaker 1: on play, but overwhelmingly.
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Speaker 3: Kids, our kids playtime has shortened, the equipment that's available
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Speaker 3: to them, and the activities that they're allowed to participate
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Speaker 3: in has massively re sure, like, just oh my goodness.
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Speaker 1: Last week I was at a school and I gave
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Speaker 1: the principle a bit of a hard time because we
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Speaker 1: were talking about the importance of risky play for kids.
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Speaker 1: And I called out to the audience and I just said, so,
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Speaker 1: what was your favorite piece of play equipment when you
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Speaker 1: were a kid? And somebody near the front straight away
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Speaker 1: just shouted out the tree. Yeah, the tree, which was
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Speaker 1: your answer when we talked about this on the plot
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Speaker 1: a couple of months ago or maybe a year ago.
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Speaker 1: And I just I made the comment, how many schools
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Speaker 1: in Australia literally, how many schools in Australia have trees
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Speaker 1: that kids can climb in at recess and lunch?
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Speaker 3: They don't.
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Speaker 1: It was actually the principal who put up his hand
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Speaker 1: and said, none, they don't. The answer is zero.
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Speaker 3: One of the schools that our kids went to when
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Speaker 3: they were younger. It was only a handful of years ago.
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Speaker 3: They actually chopped the more down.
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Speaker 1: Right, like, because you can't have a tree branch falling
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Speaker 1: on somebody. There's too much liability. People are complaining that
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Speaker 1: kids lack social skills and they're blaming screens. But the
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Speaker 1: problem is the problem.
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Speaker 3: Is there isn't an alternative.
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Speaker 1: That's right, they're not playing. They're not playing, so they
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Speaker 1: go to screens and that's what they're doing. So if
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Speaker 1: that's what emotional intelligence is, and play builds it better
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Speaker 1: than anything, we need to talk about a parent's play playbook.
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Speaker 2: Did I say that right? Parents?
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Speaker 3: Parents play?
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Speaker 2: Parents play? Yeah, we need a playbook for parents play.
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Speaker 2: You know what I mean? That made sense? I got
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Speaker 2: that right.
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Speaker 3: Look at the times in our home where there is
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Speaker 3: contention and tension, and it's amazing what happens when someone
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Speaker 3: just chucks the honey.
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Speaker 2: As opposed to chucks of wablick.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, somebody makes a joke or kind of. One
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Speaker 3: of the easiest ways to change the tide in our
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Speaker 3: house is literally, did I see a smile?
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Speaker 1: I do that to the kids all the time, and
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Speaker 1: they hate it, but they love it because it's playful.
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Speaker 1: It's not snide, it's not nasty, it's did I just
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Speaker 1: see a smile?
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Speaker 3: And it's not get over yourself. It's literally like, come on,
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Speaker 3: we can move through this. Yeah, we don't have to
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Speaker 3: hold on to it. We don't need to see. It
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Speaker 3: doesn't work.
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Speaker 2: All the time. It doesn't work all the time.
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Speaker 1: Here's what I would put into the parents' playbook for
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Speaker 1: play with the kids, Number one, and again with fifteen
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Speaker 1: year olds, and with five year olds, and with two
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Speaker 1: year olds, and with twenty two year olds and even
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Speaker 1: with each other.
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Speaker 2: Number one.
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Speaker 1: It's got to be dynamic and in the moment, like
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Speaker 1: when you try to structure it sometimes it feels more
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Speaker 1: like a burden or a chore.
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Speaker 3: I agree.
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Speaker 2: Number two.
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Speaker 1: Where you are doesn't matter. It can be in the playground,
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Speaker 1: it could be in the kitchen. It could be in
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Speaker 1: on the trampoline. It can be in the car, it
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Speaker 1: can be walking down the street with a puppy dog
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Speaker 1: on a leash. Anywhere works so long as you've got
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Speaker 1: a playful mindset and the other person is consenting and
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Speaker 1: along with it. I think the key ingredient when it
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Speaker 1: comes to really high quality play is actually there are two.
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Speaker 1: It's going to be playful for both of you. So
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Speaker 1: when Mia Friedman was saying I don't like playing with.
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Speaker 3: My kids, she's probably saying I don't want to sit
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Speaker 3: down on the mat and play Barbie Dolls with her
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Speaker 3: for the fifteenth deeenth.
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Speaker 2: That's right.
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Speaker 1: I don't want to do this imaginary thing where we
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Speaker 1: talk about dragons and dinosaurs. Yah.
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Speaker 3: And I've got to put on voices and I'm going
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Speaker 3: to wear a silly wig and yeah.
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Speaker 2: That's not play, that's work.
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Whereas play when it's both of you, there's a linguistic
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Speaker 1: back and forth, there's a toggle that engages creativity. There's
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Speaker 1: a playful attitude and the play.
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Speaker 3: And it no longer feels like work because it's about connection.
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Speaker 1: Well, it's about connection seen Hurd and value. That's mission right,
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Speaker 1: But specifically, when you think about the most fun play,
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Speaker 1: and I feel like I'm having a bit of an
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Speaker 1: insight live as we have this conversation. The most playful
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Speaker 1: we feel is when we are conversing. So you might
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Speaker 1: be playing barbies, or you might be playing footy or
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Speaker 1: ping pong, but it's not the activity. It's the linguistic
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Speaker 1: back and forth. It's the conversation that makes it playful.
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Speaker 1: You and I can be having a playful game of
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Speaker 1: ping pong, or we can be breeding threatening rantings at
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Speaker 1: one another as we try to defeat each other.
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Speaker 2: One of them is playful, one of them is not.
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Speaker 1: We can be in the kitchen and we can be
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Speaker 1: playfully doing the dishes, or we can be getting annoyed
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Speaker 1: because I can't believe how many dishes there are and
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Speaker 1: I'm tired. So play is about the attitude we bring,
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Speaker 1: and it's about the linguistic back and forth. To me,
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Speaker 1: those are the essential elements of the playbook.
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Speaker 3: If I was going to add anything, it would be
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Speaker 3: for parents to remember that this doesn't have to be
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Speaker 3: this big, long, convoluted experience.
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Speaker 2: Right buckleey in, we're playing for the next three hours.
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Speaker 3: You spend five or ten minutes with your kids in
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Speaker 3: a fun, interactive interaction that does wonders for them and
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Speaker 3: for the relationship that you share. I love the idea
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Speaker 3: of making them the center of your world. You've talked
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Speaker 3: about this multiple times. The idea of what does your
9:32
Speaker 3: face say when you see them? You know you do
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Speaker 3: you light up when they walk into the room. If
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Speaker 3: they feel that, that's instant connection.
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Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about what you've said there, not so
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Speaker 1: much about making them the center of the universe and
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Speaker 1: you're face lighting up, although that is part of this.
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Speaker 1: But when you sit down, I want to go back
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Speaker 1: to your five or ten minute idea. When you sit
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Speaker 1: down and just say I'm going to commit to this
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Speaker 1: for five or ten minutes.
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Speaker 2: I'm going to be all in.
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Speaker 1: Even if you're not all in at the start, give
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Speaker 1: us solid five or ten minutes, and you start to
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Speaker 1: really enjoy yourself.
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Speaker 3: It's about intention. I really think it's about intention. Too
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Speaker 3: often we're just kind of going through the motions. But
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Speaker 3: if we make an intentional decision I'm all in for
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Speaker 3: ten minutes or for five minutes. If you can't handle ten,
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Speaker 3: more times than not, you actually find that the time
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Speaker 3: disappears and it's not ten minutes, it's twenty or twenty five.
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Speaker 2: That's right.
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Speaker 1: Then you sort of get into that flow of it.
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Speaker 1: I use this analogy all the time of the Space Shuttle.
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Speaker 1: To get into orbit, it takes ten minutes. It's got
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Speaker 1: to go twenty eight thousand kilometers an hour, But the
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Speaker 1: first minute, first ten seconds one hundred k's an hour,
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Speaker 1: first minute, one thousand k's an hour, the amount of
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Speaker 1: fuel that it goes through in those first few minutes.
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Speaker 1: But by the time it's doing twenty eight thousand k's
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Speaker 1: an hour and it hits orbit and it drops those
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Speaker 1: tanks and then it's in.
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Speaker 2: Orbit, it doesn't use any fuel at all. Really, when
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Speaker 2: it's in orbit, it only needs.
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Speaker 1: Enough fuel to come back to Earth once it's finished orbiting.
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Speaker 1: And I think play with the kids is the same.
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Speaker 1: You've just got to get in. You've just got to
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Speaker 1: get through that first ten seconds, that first one minute,
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Speaker 1: that first ten minutes, get.
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Speaker 2: Through that and you're in orbit. It becomes I'm going
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Speaker 2: to say, effortless.
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Speaker 1: You get into the flow, you get into the moment,
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Speaker 1: and it's beautiful and Kylie, I think the most important
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Speaker 1: thing to highlight here is a lot of people say, well,
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Speaker 1: I don't have it, I don't have the energy, I'm exhausted,
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Speaker 1: I don't have the commitment, I'm not willing to do it.
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Speaker 1: And apart from that, what am I going to do?
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Speaker 1: Play with them all the time? You don't need to, Like,
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Speaker 1: once you get through that first ten, fifteen, twenty minutes,
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Speaker 1: if you need to pull yourself away. Your child's cup
11:25
Speaker 1: is full and they're playing, and you can usually set
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Speaker 1: them up with other activities that don't involve screens and
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Speaker 1: they'll be fine. They'll be regulated because they've had you,
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Speaker 1: they've had all of you. It's worked for them.
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Speaker 3: But I think there's another benefit that comes from it.
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Speaker 3: As adults, we don't actually recognize the power of play
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Speaker 3: in our own lives. We live busy, harried lives and
11:48
Speaker 3: we've got this massive to do list, and we don't
11:51
Speaker 3: realize the power of taking a break and finding something
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Speaker 3: to be joyful about. Connection and creative literally unlock energy.
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Speaker 1: But it also unlocks your children's skills. We need to
12:05
Speaker 1: wrap this up. Our podcast timing, we always go too long.
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Speaker 1: There's so much that we could talk about here, Like
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Speaker 1: we could literally do a two hour pot on this if.
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Speaker 3: I was to give you some ideas. Yep, these are
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Speaker 3: really simple things and you're probably actually already doing them,
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Speaker 3: but don't recognize them as being playful. Bedtime, book reading,
12:20
Speaker 3: spending time together at the end of the day, reading books, voices,
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Speaker 3: having conversations.
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Speaker 1: And I don't even care if you want to rile
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Speaker 1: the kids up, just a little bit with some tickles
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Speaker 1: and some rough and tumble at bedtime, they will be okay.
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Speaker 1: Why because they feel connected and it's just good for them.
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Speaker 1: I'm just putting it out there. I know people don't
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Speaker 1: like it. I know it goes against all the sleep rules,
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Speaker 1: but I've found that with our kids, they've always been okay,
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Speaker 1: even if we've riled them up a little bit.
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Speaker 3: Making magic moments out of the mundane.
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Speaker 1: You're really good at this. This is something that I've
12:48
Speaker 1: never understood, never never quite gotten my head around.
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Speaker 3: But you do this so well, whether it's you know,
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Speaker 3: can you hop on one foot to the bathroom? Can
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Speaker 3: you walk as quiet as a mouse as you go
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Speaker 3: and brush your teeth? Can you you blink all the
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Speaker 3: way to the car? Like? Whatever it is?
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Speaker 1: Because it just doesn't work so well for seventeen year olds,
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Speaker 1: but the three year olds love it.
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Speaker 3: Just giving them a little action to do, and you're
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Speaker 3: increasing their capacity to kind of do tasks.
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Speaker 1: So let's talk about what to do because our time
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Speaker 1: is up. This builds motional intelligence, it builds relationship foundations,
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Speaker 1: problem solving abilities, perspective taking skills. That's what play does.
13:26
Speaker 1: That's why it's the work of childhood. Your task, your
13:29
Speaker 1: task this week, because this is about you making your
13:31
Speaker 1: family happier, is to find a five to ten minute
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Speaker 1: window each day this week where your child can have
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Speaker 1: your full attention and you can be playful. Just choose
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Speaker 1: a really mundane activity and gamify it. Maybe it's getting dressed,
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Speaker 1: maybe it's a car ride, maybe it's cleaning up the kitchen.
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Speaker 2: Or the living room or the bedroom.
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Speaker 1: And let them lead, let them guide you support as
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Speaker 1: you say, Hey, how can we make this fun? This
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Speaker 1: is not about perfection. This is about connection and presence,
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Speaker 1: and I think you'll get really big returns, really big
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Speaker 1: returns from what is fundamentally a fairly small investment. Play
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Speaker 1: is not meant to be an overwhelming Oh my goodness,
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Speaker 1: I can't do it. It's one more thing on our list.
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Speaker 1: It's actually part of what we do to integrate happiness
14:19
Speaker 1: into family life, and it helps kids to develop the
14:22
Speaker 1: emotional skills that they need for life. So start small,
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Speaker 1: be consistent, watch their confidence and connection grow.
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Speaker 2: Thanks so much for listening.
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Speaker 1: We'll be back tomorrow with another tricky question on the
14:31
Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast. Happy Families Podcast is produced by Justin
14:35
Speaker 1: Ruland from Bridge Media, and if you'd like more info
14:38
Speaker 1: about making your family happier, you'll find it at happy
14:41
Speaker 1: families dot com dot au