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The Marriage Relationship - Her Role · Reformed Thinking

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Welcome to the deep dive. It's just you and us digging in
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a bit deeper, trying to understand the material we've
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got in front of us. And today, yeah, we've got some
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pretty specific source material. We're looking at notes in a
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video transcript, and they really focus on the wife's role
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in marriage from a particular biblical and theological
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viewpoint, one that really highlights God's design.
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OK, so we're dealing with sources that layout specific
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ideas, principles, roles for wives, and they present these as
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grounded directly in Scripture and God's overall view of how
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marriage should work. Exactly.
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So our goal here is to, well, unpack these sources.
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We want to get a handle on the key concepts, see how they're
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presented, and think about what they're suggesting for a wife's
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life within her marriage. And interestingly, the sources
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argue these ideas apply no matter what her specific
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marriage situation looks like. It's about understanding the
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perspective here. Got it.
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So it's a perspective that sees marriage less as just a human
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agreement and more as something, well, divinely intended with
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specific purposes and roles. That's the framework, yes.
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It views marriage as something God established with intentions,
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with these distinct roles for husband and wife all aimed
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ultimately at bringing him more glory.
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And today, based on this material, we're zeroing in
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specifically on what it says about the wife's role.
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All right, let's get into it then.
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The first thing these sources bring up is honestly, it feels
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pretty countercultural. They claim the top priority in
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marriage isn't actually having a happy marriage.
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Yeah, that's a central point they make right away.
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They state pretty clearly that the highest aim for anyone,
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married or single, should be to glorify God.
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And marriage isn't separate from that.
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It's actually presented as the context, the means through which
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God is glorified. The sources argue God designed
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the union of man and woman so that together they could pursue
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his glory, show his glory, maybe even better than they could
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apart. This ties back to that original
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command in Genesis. You know, be fruitful, multiply,
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fill the earth with people who would belong to God and bring
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him honor. And they make this really bold
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statement that a lot of marriage problems stem from people
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wanting a happy marriage more than they want to glorify God.
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It's a strong claim they make. The idea is wanting a good
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marriage is fine. It's natural.
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But when that desire becomes the ultimate thing, the main goal,
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it puts marriage in a place it wasn't designed to be.
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The sources define an idol as well, anything you desire more
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than God, anything that takes his rightful place in your
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thoughts and affections. So if the state of your marriage
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becomes the main thing determining your joy or your
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misery, or if you start compromising your walk with God
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to try and fix the marriage or you sin because it isn't what
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you want, the sources call that desire an idol.
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And from this viewpoint, putting anything, even something good
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like a happy marriage, above God is fundamentally out of order
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and ironically, often leads to more problems.
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It's like trying to build on shaky ground if your deepest
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source of contentment isn't God himself.
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So the Bible's main story isn't really a how to guide for
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marital happiness then? Not.
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According to this perspective, no.
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The sources really stress that the Bible's big narrative is
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about God's plan of salvation, his redemption story playing
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out. Marriage fits into that story,
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but it's not the main plot line. Instead, marriage is presented
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more like a picture, a symbol pointing to something bigger,
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Specifically the relationship between Christ and the church,
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his love, the church's response. Seeing marriage through that
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lens means understanding it as designed by God for His honor.
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The joining of man and woman helps them fulfill His purposes.
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Bring Him greater honor together, especially by raising
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up generations for His glory. That definitely just the
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perspective, and for someone who is in a difficult marriage, this
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idea that you can still glorify God no matter what, that must
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sound hopeful. It's presented exactly that way
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as a core message of hope. It all comes back to the
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individual's direct relationship with God.
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The teaching suggests that even if you feel your spouse is, say,
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90% of the problem, they use that kind of analogy.
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Your own peace, your joy in God, your ability to glorify him
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isn't dependent on that 90%. It's tied to how you handle your
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part, your 10% or maybe even just 5%.
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The sources argue that focusing on your own walk, your
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obedience, your internal response to God, regardless of
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what your spouse is doing, that's the path to spiritual
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fruitfulness and finding peace and joy in the Lord.
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It really moves the focus away from trying to change your
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spouse towards your own relationship with God.
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Your own responses gives you agency over your own spiritual
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condition. That's the idea.
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It puts the responsibility for your spiritual well-being
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squarely on your relationship with God, not making it
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dependent on someone elses actions.
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OK, so with that foundation laid, glorifying God is goal #1
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and it's possible no matter what.
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The sources then get into the specifics of the wife's
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function. Within this framework, they
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break it down into five key roles.
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Yes, these five roles are laid out as the practical ways a wife
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lives out her calling within this view of marriage, all aimed
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at that larger purpose of honoring God.
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And the first one presented as the foundation comes from
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Genesis 2.18 to be his unique helper.
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It's not good that man should be alone.
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I will make a helper fit for him.
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Right, that's the starting point.
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The sources look at the Hebrew phrase there helper fit for him
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or suitable and explain it means a helper who literally
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corresponds to him. It's not just any kind of help.
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It implies someone uniquely designed to compliment the man
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to help him in ways other things or people can't.
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The teaching emphasizes you know his job can't fill that need.
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His male friends can't, other relationships can't.
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God specifically designed the woman as this kind of
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corresponding helper. And the sources explain why this
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unique helper was so crucial. They list 5 reasons.
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Can we go through those? Sure, according to this
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material, without this unique helper one, the man wouldn't
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experience the deepest kind of love.
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The idea is marriage offers a unique depth of relationship and
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they warn if other things like career or even kids become more
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central than the marriage itself, it hurts that potential
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for deep love. 2 The man wouldn't be able to fulfill the
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command to be fruitful and multiply.
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This links right back to Genesis 1 and God's purpose for humans
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to fill the earth. Makes sense.
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Three One man alone would glorify God, but maybe to a
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lesser degree. Marriage, in this view, is a
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unit designed to bring God greater glory together,
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especially by raising godly offspring. 4 There'd be no
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promised seed of the woman, which is crucial for God's whole
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plan of salvation leading to Christ.
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It highlights the woman's essential role in that plan.
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Right from the start, the sources stressed, this wasn't an
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afterthought. Women were part of God's eternal
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plan. Wow.
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OK And 5th Quite simply, the home suffers.
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This points to the practical reality, the need for the wife's
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role in making the home function Wow.
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That fifth point, the home suffering, seems connected to
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that instruction in Titus 2, where older women teach younger
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women to be workers at home or home keepers.
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How do the sources interpret that for today?
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They clarified that workers at home isn't just about location,
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it's about character. It means being diligent,
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industrious, actively managing the home, not being idle or
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wasting time. The material suggests this is
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her first priority. Now they do acknowledge this
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doesn't automatically rule out working outside the home,
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particularly if finances require it, like maybe early in a
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marriage. But the primary responsibility,
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the main focus, is presented as being the home.
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And is this work viewed as less important than, say, a career
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outside the home? The sources are very direct
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about this. They insist God cares
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significantly about the home and sees the wife as his key
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instrument there. Managing the home is described
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as a sizeable privilege and a sizeable honor and
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responsibility. Even the tasks that seem
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mundane, like laundry or cooking, are presented as ways
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she can bring honor to God. It's explicitly stated as not
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second best, not just what's leftover after other pursuits.
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It has real value in God's eyes. I remember the speaker in the
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source material sharing that funny story about his chicken
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parm disaster when he was dating his wife, how he realized he
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really needed help in that area. It's lighthearted, but it
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illustrates that practical need for someone who compliments you.
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It's a relatable picture, right? It shows that need for a
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partner, someone wired differently, skilled
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differently, who can genuinely help where help is needed, even
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in small things. The sources kind of wrap up this
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section saying when wives embrace this role of helping
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their husbands in these specific ways, marriage functions as
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intended, creating a strong foundation for people to thrive
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and bring God glory. OK, let's move to the second
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role. This one definitely stirs up
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discussion today, but the sources tackle it directly.
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To be in joyful submission. They use that phrase joyful
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submission. Yes, they go right to the
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biblical passages that they see as outlining God's authority
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structure versus like First Corinthians 11.3, Ephesians
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5.2224 third tree. These layout the order God over
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Christ, Christ over the man, the husband over the wife and
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Ephesians 5 is very specific. Wives, submit to your own
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husband's as to the Lord. What's the significance of that
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phrase as to the Lord? The sources put a lot of
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emphasis there, they explained. Submission is fairly vertical,
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meaning it's done for God's reasons, because of her covenant
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promise before him, out of reverence for Christ and the
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structure he established. So it's not based on how good
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the husband is or how wise his decisions seem or whether she
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feels he deserves it. And it's definitely not about
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her being inferior. The sources argue the God
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ordained structure remains regardless of the husband's
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performance. The material also acknowledges
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this isn't natural for a wife. They link that struggle directly
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to the curse of sin in Genesis 3.16, where it says the wife's
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desire will be contrary to her husband's.
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That inherent conflict, they argue, is why submission feels
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difficult, why it goes against our fallen grain.
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And they really stressed that this submission needs to be
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internal first before it's external.
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It has to come from being filled with the Spirit, which Ephesians
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5 mentions right before the marriage instructions.
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Just going through the motions externally without an internal
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desire to honor God's order and show reverence for Christ is
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actually called disobedience in these sources.
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They give examples of what lacks internal submission.
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Things like biting comments, sighing loudly in frustration,
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rolling eyes. These show a lack of reverence
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not just for the husband, but ultimately for Christ to
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establish the order. Ephesians 5 says submit in
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everything that sounds all-encompassing.
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Does it literally mean anything? He asks.
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No. The sources are careful to
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define boundaries here. In everything has to be
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understood within the context of all scripture.
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They give 2 main limits. First, a wife shouldn't submit
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if it means she would clearly violate scripture and sin.
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They point to acts four and five.
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We must obey God rather than men.
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Examples given were things like signing fraudulent tax forms,
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telling a lie for him, or if he forbade her from attending
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church. Clear commands from God take
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precedence. Second, she shouldn't submit if
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it would cause her to violate her own conscience.
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This is tied to Romans 14.23. Whatever does not proceed from
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faith is sin. If she is genuinely convinced
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before God that something is wrong for her to do, then doing
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it would be sin. But there's a key point here
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from the sources. How a wife handles these
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situations where she can't submit matters.
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It requires wisdom, maybe counsel, and should be done
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respectfully, not argumentatively.
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It's not meant to be used like a weapon or a trump card to get
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her way, but as a genuine matter of conscience before God.
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So it doesn't imply she's just a passive doormat.
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The helper role suggested her input is valuable.
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Exactly. The sources make it clear being
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a helper means her thoughts, skills, perspective are
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important. Submission is about the
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structure in her heart attitude before God, not about silencing
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her or making her irrelevant. They use that umbrella analogy.
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God is the ultimate covering. Christ is under God, the husband
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under Christ, the wife under her husband.
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If she steps out from under his cover, she's out of alignment
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with God's order and answers directly to him.
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The husband, meanwhile, is responsible to God for the
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decisions. This structure, they suggest,
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actually gives the wife freedom to follow his lead.
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Trusting God holds him accountable.
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That's a useful picture, and I think the funny genie story fits
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in here too. Right?
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The idea that our wishes don't always match God's design, maybe
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suggesting we need to trust his structure even if it's not what
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we'd naturally choose. Right, that somewhat silly story
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highlights the difference between our ideal scenarios and
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God's actual plan. It kind of nudges toward
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trusting His established ways, even when they feel different
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from what we might have hoped for in marriage All.
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Right rule #3 also focuses on inner qualities to be a gentle
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and quiet spirit. This draws from first Peter 3
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emphasizing inner beauty. Yes, that passage encourages
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wives not to focus primarily on outward adornment like elaborate
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hairstyles, expensive jewelry or trendy clothes.
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Instead, the main focus should be on cultivating the hidden
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person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle
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and quiet spirit, which the Bible says it's very precious in
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God's sight. The sources explain this means
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outward appearance shouldn't be her main pursuit or source of
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identity. Cultivating this inner character
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is key. How do the sources define gentle
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and quiet here? Gentle, according to the
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sources, means a soothing disposition.
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It describes someone composed, cooperative, not easily stirred
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up, argumentative. They point out Jesus described
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himself as gentle. Quiet refers to an inner
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peacefulness arising from within, being well ordered, not
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easily disturbed. Internally.
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They use that thermostat thermometer analogy.
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She aims to set the homes emotional tone, thermostat not
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just react to it thermometer. The speaker story about his wife
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calmly handling the kids or bringing him water when he was
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worked up illustrates that she brought calm rather than just
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reflecting his stress. And the spirit part just refers
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to this godly character, the inner person, the hidden person
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of the heart. And what's the effect of
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developing this spirit? The sources say this character
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is very appealing and importantly, the context in
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First Peter 3 is specifically about wives whose husbands do
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not obey the word. The teaching is that her
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conduct, her gentle and quiet spirit, visibly displays
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Christ's work in her life. It can be a powerful way to
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influence or win over such a husband without a word, just by
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him seeing her transformed character.
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What are some practical steps suggesting suggested for
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cultivating this? The sources give a couple of
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ideas. One is spending more time
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looking into the mirror of the Word, the Bible, then looking
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into the bathroom mirror. It's about prioritizing inner
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development over outer appearance.
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Another is asking God specifically for a greater
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desire to be seen as precious by Him, her true Savior, capital S,
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rather than primarily seeking validation from her husband,
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lowercase S who can't ultimately satisfy that need.
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And here's a really significant point they make, especially
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thinking about that first Peter context.
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A wife should cultivate the Spirit even when her husband is
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actively sinning. His sin in this framework is
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seen less as her primary opportunity to confront him and
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more as God providing an opportunity for her to grow her
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own character. By trusting and hoping in God
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through the difficulty, it redirects her focus back to her
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own spiritual growth. That's a very different way of
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looking at difficult situations. It really contrasts with those
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descriptions and proverbs of a quarrel.
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Wholesome wife. Yes, the sources definitely draw
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that contrast. The proverbs versus comparing A
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contentious wife to things like a gold ring and a pig snout or
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constant dripping paint a vivid picture of the opposite.
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They highlight the negative, disruptive impact of disposition
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that lacks that gentle and quiet spirit.
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OK 4th role to be an unconditional lover.
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Titus 2 highlights this, putting love their husbands right near
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the top of what older women should teach younger women.
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Right, and the sources explain this love means placing her deep
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affection on him, a committed, familial kind of affection.
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They also point out a common temptation, especially in tough
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marriages, redirecting that primary affection away from the
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husband and towards the children instead.
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The sources warn this gets priorities out of whack,
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undermining the central husband, wife bond.
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So how can a wife practice unconditional love, especially
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when it feels hard due to his behavior?
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The sources acknowledge this is tough, calling it a battle in
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her mind. They say she has to consciously
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fight to dwell on the good things, the things she
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appreciates about him, rather than focusing on his flaws.
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His shortcomings from this perspective are actually times
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he needs her help and grace, not primarily times for
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confrontation. They connect this back to God's
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love for us. He loves us despite our sin.
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So a wife is called to love her husband because of who she is
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and her relationship to God's, and because God is worthy of her
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honoring him in her role, even if her husband isn't currently
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acting worthy of that love. It's about reflecting Christ's
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love, which gives even when it's not necessarily reciprocated or
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earned. That story the speaker told
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about his wife moving his coffee mug?
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It seems so small, but because it mattered to him, her doing it
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showed love in a way he really noticed.
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Exactly. That simple, everyday example
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shows that this kind of love isn't always about big, dramatic
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gestures. It's often shown in small,
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practical acts of helpfulness and affection, noticing what
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matters to him, even if it seems minor to her.
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It shows a heart willing to serve out of love.
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And the 5th and final role they discuss to be overflowing with
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respect. This comes from Ephesians 5.33,
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and the sources note that feeling disrespected is a common
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complaint from men. Yes, and they use that striking
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phrase death by 1000 cuts to describe how disrespect often
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happens. It's usually not one big blow
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up, but a steady stream of small, maybe deliberate slights.
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Things like little jabs or snide comments about his job or money
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or parenting. Even nonverbal things like
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rolling her eyes, sighing, or giving the silent treatment when
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he's trying to lead or discuss something.
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So what does real practical respect look like, according to
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this view, beyond just acknowledging his position?
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The sources use language from the Amplified Bible version of
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Ephesians 5.33 to flesh it out. It involves actively noticing
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him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and
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esteems him, defers to him, loves and admires him.
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Exceedingly and crucially, this respect flows from reverence for
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Christ. It's done ultimately as
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obedience to God, respecting the position he established.
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It loops back to respecting his God-given role as head, part of
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that authority structure from First Corinthians 11.
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Using the umbrella analogy again, if she moves out from
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under his authority, she's out of line with God's design and
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answers directly to him. The husband answers to God for
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the family's direction. Understanding this, they
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suggest, gives a wife freedom to follow his lead, trusting God's
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oversight of him. And they add that her speech to
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align with this, being gracious, seasoned with salt like
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Colossians 4.6 says, not harsher cutting.
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So those are the five roles outlining the wife's function.
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But what if the husband isn't fulfilling his role or maybe
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seems checked out? The next section tackles that,
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offering guidance on strengthening the marriage
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alone, focusing on the wife's part.
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Regardless, it uses that head hard and hand check framework.
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Yeah, this part is framed as being particularly hopeful,
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especially for women in difficult situations.
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The main idea is that your peace, joy, and ability to honor
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God aren't ultimately dependent on your husband's actions.
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This section gives practical ways to work on your own side of
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things. Let's start with the head check,
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focusing on your thinking. Right, the head check is about
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your mindset, your beliefs, and the first point circles right
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back to the core principle. Make glorifying God your number
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one priority. The sources strongly advise
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against letting the marriage become an idol where your joy in
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God rises and falls with how well the marriage is doing.
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Your peace and purpose shouldn't be dictated by what's happening
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at home. You can glorify God regardless
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of your circumstances. How does this help when things
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are genuinely difficult? The counsel is to learn to rest
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in God's Providence to understand that God allows
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difficulties, including marriage trials, for a reason.
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And the instruction is specific. Pray for grace in the middle of
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the trial, not just for the trial to go away.
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Recognize God's hand is in the details, that He has placed you
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there for a purpose. Ask Him for wisdom on how to
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respond in a way that honors Him right there.
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And how does this relate to finding joy?
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It emphasizes seeking your joy in God Himself daily, not just
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from God. Like asking for blessings or
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from circumstances, your deepest satisfaction is meant to be
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found in God alone. Psalm 16 is mentioned.
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Even with a difficult husband, God Himself can satisfy your
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soul. OK then the heart check.
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Looking at motives and desires, the title for this and the
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sources is pretty blunt. He's not the problem.
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Yeah, that title is meant to grab attention.
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The point is, if you are sinning or responding poorly, then your
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sin is the immediate problem you need to address before God,
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regardless of what your husband is doing.
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It's about taking personal responsibility.
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Drawing from James 4.710 the sources, walk through steps
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based on that passage. First, submit yourselves
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therefore to God, meaning align yourself under God's authority,
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acting out of reverence for Christ, not based on whether
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your husband deserves your good behavior.
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Second, draw near to God. Prioritize time with Him in the
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Word and prayer above other things, even good things like
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fitness or appearance. 3rd, cleanse your hands.
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Purify your hearts. This means repenting of specific
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sins and digging deeper to understand the motives and
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desires behind why you struggle or react sinfully.
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And 4th, humble yourselves before the Lord.
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Let God be in control and focus all your effort on dealing with
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your percentage of the problem. That analogy comes up again even
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if you think you're only 10% or 5% of the issue.
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Your joy and satisfaction in God depend entirely on how you
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handle your 5%, not His 95%. God blesses humility but poses
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pride, the sources say. That percentage analogy really
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lands because it forces the focus inward.
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It feels like the opposite of what we'd normally do, but
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you're saying that's where your own spiritual health lies.
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Exactly. Our instinct might be to fix the
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other person, but this perspective says your connection
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with God, Your inner peace, hinges on your response to God
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and your sin, not on your husband's behavior.
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It gives you control over your own spiritual state.
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And finally they hand check the practical actions.
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What should you do? 1st is time in the Word.
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Actively pursue focused quality time with God through Scripture.
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God desires that connection much like a wife might desire quality
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time with her husband. The advice is to find a light in
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His law. Meditate on it.
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Referencing Psalms one 19119 next is putting on and putting
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off. Identify specific negative
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behaviors or attitudes to stop putting off.
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But don't stop there. Actively replace them with
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positive godly alternative putting on.
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So don't just stop making sarcastic comments.
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Actively look for ways to encourage your husband with your
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words and last plan for tomorrow, but hold those plans
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loosely. It's OK to have hopes and goals
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for the marriage for the future. But the advice is, don't grip
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them so tightly that they become a closed fist.
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Hold them with an open hand. What you should hold tightly to
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is the main goal, seeking God and his Kingdom first.
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That unwavering focus, they argue, brings peace and security
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regardless of what happens in the marriage.
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Because you know, God walks with you through everything, like
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Psalm 23 suggests. So the big take away from this
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Strengthening Alone section is that a wife actually has a lot
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of agency over her own spiritual well-being and her ability to
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honor God independent of her husband's actions.
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That's exactly the message the sources emphasize.
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This is meant to be incredibly hopeful for women.
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Your peace, joy, ability to glorify God, your part in His
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Kingdom. None of it is ultimately
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conditional on what your husband does or doesn't do.
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Focusing on your own walk with God is presented as empowering,
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and the material concludes by saying look.
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When both spouses start doing this, focusing on their own
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relationship with God, fulfilling their roles out of
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reverence for Him, not trying to fix the other person, the
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marriage often improves quickly. But even if it's just one spouse
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doing the work, that individual can still find real peace and
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joy in their relationship with the Lord.
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We've certainly covered a lot of ground digging into these
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sources on the wife's role from this specific theological
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viewpoint. It presents a framework that
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definitely challenges some common assumptions and
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consistently points back to honoring God is the central
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purpose. It really does.
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It offers a distinct perspective claiming biblical grounding for
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understanding the wife's role, and it gives very God focused,
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practical guidance for how a wife can pursue her relationship
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with God and contribute positively to her marriage even
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amidst difficulties. So maybe here's something for
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you the listener to think about after hearing all this.
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If you were to approach marriage or think about a future marriage
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with honoring God is the absolute primary goal and
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focused on nurturing your own walk with Him using these kinds
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of head hard and hand checks, how might that change what you
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think makes a marriage truly meaningful?
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Could shifting the focus inward like that change your definition
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of success in marriage, regardless of how it might look
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to others on the outside? And just to add, as the sources
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often remind, carrying out these roles, living this kind of God
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focused life isn't just about willpower.
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It's presented as needing reliance on the Holy Spirit for
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both the desire and the strength to do it.
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Thanks for joining us for the deep dive.