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(53) How to Have Quiet Confidence✨ Eliminate Self Doubt · Alignment With Jenn

0:00
Hello and welcome to this episode of the Alignment with
0:03
Jen podcast. I am your host Jen, It's easy.
0:06
And today we are going to be talking about the four step
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process for becoming dangerously confident.
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So I am going to approach this from a different angle than
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probably any other confidence YouTube or podcast that you've
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watched because I believe that there's a huge misunderstanding
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that people have of what confidence really is.
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I believe that there's confidence and then I believe
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that there's worthiness. And when you understand this
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distinction, I think it's actually going to help you
0:35
become way more confident literally by the end of this
0:38
episode. So buckle up because you're
0:40
going to get a lot of amazing tools, a lot of amazing clarity
0:43
on how to become one of the most confident people that you know.
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First, I want to mention that I believe that most people don't
0:51
necessarily have a confidence issue.
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I believe that most people actually have a worthiness
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issue. And I want to create that
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distinction so you could understand what I mean by that.
1:00
And this difference between the two is why you can be in one
1:02
room and feel incredibly good about yourself and then in
1:05
another room and not feel good about yourself.
1:08
Most people don't struggle in every area of their life, but
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there's certain areas where they feel like they struggle more,
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right? And so I want to help you
1:16
understand this. So confidence says I can do
1:20
this. Confidence is built on skill,
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It's built on evidence, it's built on repetition.
1:25
It's mastery or progress within a certain area.
1:31
OK, worthiness is I deserve this and I whether or not I do well,
1:38
it doesn't affect my own sense of self.
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Worthiness is unconditional. It's that I am worthy of all of
1:45
the things that I desire, of love, of success, of joy, of
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amazing relationship, simply because I am a soul that has
1:55
incarnated and I am a magnificent soul.
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Confidence is something that we gain.
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It's within our skills. It's in particular areas of our
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life, OK. And so I want to help you
2:07
actually grow your worthiness and also explain how to grow
2:10
your confidence. But I believe as you understand
2:13
how to really grow your worthiness, you are going to
2:16
feel insanely more confident automatically because I believe
2:19
that worthiness actually underpins confidence.
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I want to tell a story. So I dated this man a few years
2:25
ago and he was exceptionally, exceptionally successful.
2:30
He owned a really successful law firm, one of the largest ones in
2:33
the city. He had this beautiful multi
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$1,000,000 house in one of the most expensive neighborhoods.
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He had this fleet of cars. He had all of this amazing
2:41
travel. He had all of the stuff, right.
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And one day he was telling me about his childhood and these
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experiences that he had had. And I was just amazed because he
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came from a really difficult place.
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He didn't have the kind of support that most people would
2:54
have. He basically didn't have any
2:56
support at all. And he had to do all of this on
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his own, completely on his own. And I said, you know, that's
3:01
really amazing what you've been able to accomplish starting from
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from where you started from. And he like, sits there for a
3:08
second and he's really, really quiet.
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And he's like, you know, I did all of that because I wanted to
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show my dad that I was better than him.
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And I was like, whoa, like, that's kind of a crazy thing to
3:21
say. But I think it perfectly
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illustrates the difference between confidence and the
3:25
difference between worthiness. He achieved all of that success
3:30
because he felt deeply unworthy. He was trying his whole life to
3:33
prove to someone else that he was worthy of love, of these
3:38
deeper things that we desire. But he was extremely confident,
3:42
right? When he would show up in the
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courtroom, he was exceptionally confident.
3:46
He was exceptionally confident in dating.
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He was a confident person, right?
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But he felt deeply unworthy. And when we feel deeply
3:54
unworthy, it limits our ability to feel the deep sense of
3:58
fulfillment and happiness that we truly, truly, truly want.
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So I feel like, yeah, you can become confident easily.
4:05
Confidence can easily be learned.
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But I think worthiness and feeling deeply worthy is a
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journey we go on throughout our whole life.
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I titled this episode Dangerous Confidence, and the reason I did
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that is because I think there's a difference between surface
4:17
level confidence, which is unfortunately what I believe
4:20
this story illustrates. Then I believe there's dangerous
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confidence, which is built on worth, right?
4:25
Confidence in the traditional sense is built on skills.
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It's built on things that can be taken away, right?
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This man, if his all of his stuff had been taken away, he
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wouldn't feel great about himself.
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But a truly deeply worthy individual who knows that on a
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soul level that they are worthy and deserving and that their
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worth is not up for negotiation, could lose everything and still
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be like, OK, I'm good, I'll figure it out, I'll be OK.
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There's this deep sense of resiliency because of that deep
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knowing on a level that you are worthy and deserving simply
5:02
because you exist. And I know for a lot of people
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that's a really difficult concept to grasp because it's
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very difficult to disassociate our earning from our worthiness.
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And it doesn't mean that you don't have to earn success by
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gaining the skills and the confidence in the areas that you
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want. That's a non negotiable, but it
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means that in order to feel the deep sense of true confidence,
5:25
of true peace within yourself, you have to work on the
5:27
worthiness game as well. Because the truth is that
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worthiness shows up everywhere. It affects everyone no matter
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the level of success. Like this man.
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There's a variety of ways that unworthiness shows up, but I
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kind of see two big categories in my work.
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One is this hyper achievement that is fueled by this deep
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sense of unworthiness, which is kind of that story described.
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But then there's this unworthiness that I think is
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actually more common for women than for men.
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And it's unworthiness blocking or receiving.
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So I was at a Doctor Joe event and this woman stood up and she
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did a, he has people stand up and do testimonials.
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And she had had chronic migraines for many, many, many
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years. And she'd gone to, what was it 8
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Doctor Joe events. And at his events you do
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meditations, but then you can also apply to be a Healy,
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meaning that people will use energy healing to help you heal.
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And it's remarkable. I saw a man within the span of a
6:26
week dramatically reduce his Parkinson's and his shaking from
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those healings in the meditations.
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It was remarkable. What happened with this woman is
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she had gone to all of these events and she had never applied
6:37
to be a Healy, even though it could have helped her migraines.
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And she said it never even occurred to me because I never
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felt like I was worthy of it. I always felt like everyone else
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deserved it above me and I hear this probably on a daily basis
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with my clients where they put everybody else before
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themselves. That is a deep worthiness wound
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because you are not allowing yourself to receive what you
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need. This woman needed a healing and
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she couldn't receive it because she felt so unworthy.
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So she spent multiple years suffering when she didn't need
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to. She could have had a healing.
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Anyway, what ends up happening is she still didn't ask for a
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healing, but through the process of healing another person, she
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was healed and her migraines went away.
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And she shared in her story. She's like, I wish I had asked
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sooner for this healing because it would have helped me.
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And so that's the second way that this unworthiness shows up
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is this unworthiness to receive. And it can be refusing to
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receive help. Hello.
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I bet there's a lot of people listening that are raising their
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hands. It's this unworthiness to
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receive the things that you want, right?
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Believing that you're not worthy of that next level of income
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because maybe no one else in your family has ever had it, or
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believing that the kind of relationship that you want isn't
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possible for you. Believing the kind of lifestyle
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that you want isn't possible for you, right?
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It's checking yourself out of the game before you even put
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yourself in the game. And this is very unconscious.
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Most of the time we aren't aware of this.
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OK, so just to kind of recap this idea, we have this hyper
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achiever who is achieving not for the sake of the joy of the
8:12
work, but to like prove something that's a deep
8:15
unworthiness. Then there's this not able to
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receive because you also feel unworthy.
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I want to give you some examples of how this can show up and how
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this might be affecting you so you could understand it more
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deeply. So in relationships, it can look
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like choosing partners who are projects or choosing partners
8:35
who are emotionally unavailable or need fixing or saving or
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choosing partners who are extremely inconsistent and are
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not consistent in their love and their support for you.
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Because underpinning all these things is this belief.
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I don't deserve more than that. And something Tony Robbins talks
8:51
about is he said that he's like, there's really one fear or
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limiting belief that people have and it masks is 2, but it's
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really one. And it's this fear of not
9:01
feeling worthy and good enough for what you want.
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And then the other one is the fear that I won't be loved.
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And he says that our ultimate fear is that I am not worthy
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enough, and so I won't be loved. And so understanding that this
9:15
typically underpins a lot of the behaviors that we have and
9:18
beginning to work on this will change your entire life.
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I have done so much work on this, on myself.
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And I believe many of the blessings in my life today would
9:28
never have happened if I hadn't become a person who believes
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she's worthy of the things that she desires, right?
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And so it really can change as you work on this.
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And we'll talk about how to do that in wealth.
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They can show up as these feast or famine cycles of like you hit
9:44
a good amount of money and then you spend it all because you
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fear and you feel unworthy of that next level under charging,
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not charging enough or not wanting to ask for more money.
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That's a really common one guilt around, you know, taking too
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much, not wanting to like have too much because it might take
10:01
from other people in career. It can look like creating these
10:05
invisible ceilings where you might reach a certain level and
10:07
then you'll pull back because you fear what will happen if you
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really reach that next level. It can look like over preparing,
10:14
overdoing everything, burning yourself out, over giving, over
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giving is a massive indicator of this root fear of this
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unworthiness. And truthfully, I believe that
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every other fear we have is sprouted out of this.
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And I had a client tell me she was like, you know, you could do
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every single session that you ever do with your clients.
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These rewiring sessions I do all on unworthiness.
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And I was like, that's actually extremely true because if you
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keep digging deep enough on any fear, it kind of all roots back
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to this, which is what Tony Robbins was saying.
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So in career it can look like avoiding visibility, right?
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Fearing that you're not enough for that level of success that
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you want, or staying in roles that are too small for you too
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long. Guilty.
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I've done that before. Staying in relationships too
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long that aren't good enough and trying to make them work when
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you know on a deep soul level it's not quite right for you.
11:07
Because the thing about worthiness is the universe
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already. The universe, the creator God,
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wants to give you everything even way more than you can
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imagine. What you imagine for yourself is
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a small fraction, less than 1% of everything that's available
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to you for you to receive. And quantum physics shows us
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that that's already all available.
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All of these different potentials are already
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available. And that's what ancient
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spiritual teachings teach too, is that all of this, everything
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that you could ever possibly want to manifest times 1000, is
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already available to you. And your work in this life is to
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expand your vessel, your ability to receive it and to hold it.
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And one of the biggest things that shrinks our vessel is this
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feeling unworthy of it, this feeling like I don't deeply
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deserve this. On some level.
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It's this fear that there's something wrong with you, and so
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you don't deserve those things that you want.
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That's the core fear, but the reality is these things already
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exist. The universe already wants to
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give them to you. Your job is to see past this
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illusion in the mind of unworthiness in order to receive
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them. That's it.
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That's the work. Even though it's not that
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simple. The reason that I believe that
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worthiness is can feel like this trap is because oftentimes what
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people do is they will constantly move the measuring
12:34
stick. They'll reach one level of
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success, right? And they'll still feel unworthy.
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Like that example I gave of that gentleman, he would reach a
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certain level of success and then he'd look and he'd be like,
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does my dad think I'm good enough now?
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OK, no, OK, better keep going. It's constantly moving that
12:49
measuring stick. And can it can be an internal
12:51
measuring stick of I'm not quite doing enough.
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I'm not quite doing enough. I'm not quite doing enough.
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I have to keep doing more. And that creates a lot of
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disharmony in the soul, a lot of disharmony in the body, a lot of
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lack of peace. And so we want to give ourselves
13:05
this deep sense of worthiness. That way, we can stop chasing
13:09
these external metrics, chasing other people's opinions and
13:13
validation, and we can start moving from our own internal
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metric system, from our own internal compass of what feels
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right for us. This unworthiness is creation
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from lack. When we create from lack,
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eventually we're going to get more lack.
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But when we create from wholeness, and you can go to the
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very first episode I have of this podcast is all on
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wholeness. It's such a great topic.
13:33
But when we create from wholeness of this belief that I
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am whole and complete as I am because I'm a divine soul, I can
13:39
accomplish anything as I gain the skills and the confidence
13:42
for it, then we're working in a completely different place.
13:45
We are operating from a place of joy.
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We're creating from a place of joy, from a place of
13:49
fulfillment, rather in a place of, Oh my gosh, I hope I'm good
13:52
enough and I'll get to be good enough when I do this because
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that's not how it work. Nothing in the external world is
13:58
ever going to make you feel good enough.
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It's only once we feel worthy and we connect to this aspect of
14:03
our soul that already knows you're worthy, then can we feel
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truly worthy. I want to give you this like
14:08
little thought experiment about worthiness Because as I
14:11
mentioned, it's this yardstick, right, that people typically
14:13
keep moving and that's why they never feel good enough is
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because they're always expanding what good enough really means.
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It's nebulous, but I thought about this idea of imagine that
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you go to a school and there's a classroom of 5th graders all
14:26
standing outside, and you go up to them and you say, OK, I want
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everybody to get in line, and I want you to organize yourselves
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from most worthy to least worthy.
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You're going to get some extremely confused faces, right?
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They're going to be like, this girl's off her rocker.
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Then eventually they'll probably start to organize themselves and
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one of them is going to be like, OK, well, you know what?
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I got the new Nike XYZS and so I should probably go first.
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So what else is going to be like, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
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Like I ran the fastest mile yesterday, so I should go first.
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Someone else is going to be like, oh, no, no, no, no, no,
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no, no, no, I'm the prettiest, so I should go first.
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Someone else is going to say, no, I got the highest grade on
15:05
the test, I should go first, right?
15:08
Because when we measure worthiness from the external, it
15:11
can always change, right? Worthiness is a internal
15:15
decision that you have to make. And that's going to create deep,
15:19
lasting confidence that will allow you to try new things and
15:23
fail and know that you'll be OK on the other side.
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You got it. Let's talk about the five steps
15:30
to becoming extremely worthy. The first one is separating
15:35
worthiness from confidence. K, You can absolutely suck at
15:40
something, right? You can be terrible at
15:42
something. I'm terrible at basketball,
15:45
terrible at it. And if I really cared about
15:48
basketball and I was terrible at it, and I associated my worth
15:51
with that, that would really affect me.
15:53
I'd feel terrible. So we have to disassociate our
15:56
skill and our confidence in something from our innate
16:00
worthiness. I can suck at basketball and
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still be worthy of love, still be worthy of financial freedom,
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still be worthy of all of the blessings that I want in this
16:09
life. Because worthiness is the
16:12
foundation. It's assumed.
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And you, yes, you have to do the things, you have to dig in the
16:18
skills, but that foundational level is there.
16:22
So separating those two out. And I think something that can
16:26
be helpful is to think about in your life, what are areas where
16:30
you feel maybe unworthy? What are areas where you maybe
16:33
feel that you lack confidence? Maybe you lack skill and
16:37
confidence can help us to access and connect to our worthiness.
16:41
So that's the first piece is separating these.
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There's going to be areas in your life where you need to gain
16:47
more skills. That's it, right?
16:49
Starting a business requires a lot of skills.
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Does that mean because you don't have those skills that you are
16:54
not worthy of that business success?
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No, it doesn't mean that. Same with relationship.
16:59
Just because maybe you don't understand how to date, you're
17:03
not great at dating, or you don't know how to talk to guys
17:07
very well, that doesn't mean you're unworthy of the kind of
17:10
love that you want. It means that there's some
17:12
skills you can gain, some books you can read, some coaching that
17:15
you can get. But on a deep level, no matter
17:19
what your skill level is, you're still worthy of that
17:21
relationship that you want. You're still worthy of that love
17:24
that you want. You're still worthy of that
17:26
success that you want. And this is what people get
17:29
convoluted. And so we got to separate them
17:31
out and you've got to start seeing, you know what, it's not
17:34
that I'm unworthy. I just need to gain some skills
17:37
in this area. I just need to work on my
17:39
business acumen, my financial acumen.
17:42
Stop believing that it's saying something about you and you as
17:46
there being something wrong with you because you are not great at
17:49
it. Just gain the skills.
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We live in a time where we can gain more skills than any other
17:54
time in history. 2nd is shrinking the issue.
17:58
So this is helpful for anything. And it's realizing that I think
18:01
sometimes people believe this blanket idea of like, oh, I
18:04
don't feel I'm not worthy of the love that I want, or I'm not
18:08
worthy of the life that I want or whatever.
18:11
And shrinking it to say, you know what?
18:13
Not every single part of you feels unworthy.
18:16
There is maybe a part of you that feels unworthy, but not
18:19
every single part of you feels that way.
18:22
Not every single part of you feels like you're not confident,
18:25
right? Saying you know, I'm just not
18:27
confident is a terrible thing to say.
18:29
Saying you know what? Sometimes I don't feel confident
18:32
public speaking. Sometimes I don't feel confident
18:35
in the content I release. Sometimes I don't feel
18:38
confident. You're minimizing it.
18:39
When you do that, it allows the mind to grasp it.
18:43
When we create these huge global beliefs with our language, what
18:46
we do is we really make things difficult for ourselves and we
18:50
make things difficult for our mind because our mind believes
18:53
what we say. And so when we shrink it down,
18:55
suddenly you're shrinking the problem, you're shrinking the
18:58
challenge. You know, sometimes I don't feel
19:00
fully worthy. Sometimes I do though, sometimes
19:04
I do, you know, it doesn't need to be perfect.
19:07
But that's the second piece of this is in your life, where are
19:10
you? Are you struggling with this?
19:11
And where can you shrink it down?
19:13
And I think you should actually do these things like journal on
19:17
this. After you listen to this
19:18
episode, listen to it again. The third one around this is
19:23
acknowledging yourself. So I have this practice that I
19:25
teach my clients and it's called the self acknowledgement
19:28
practice. And it's literally to teach
19:31
yourself and give yourself evidence of yourself being
19:34
worthy and yourself being confident.
19:37
And so the way that we do this is typically, I'll say like once
19:41
every 20-4 hours, I just want you to list out all the things
19:44
that you did that were cool or awesome or great.
19:47
Even small things like I took my dog for a walk when I didn't
19:51
feel like it. You know, that's cool.
19:53
I went for a run when I didn't feel like it or I released 5
19:58
pieces of content this week. I'm proud of that.
20:01
Being proud of yourself, acknowledging yourself.
20:03
Because often times the reason that we feel unworthy is not
20:07
because our external reality is saying that.
20:09
It's because we're looking for our external reality to say it
20:12
and we're not getting it all the time when we want it.
20:15
When in reality we can give it to ourselves.
20:17
So this self acknowledgement practice gives it to you.
20:20
It helps you get it for yourself.
20:23
The subconscious mind will always notice what you directed
20:26
on. Think of your mind as like a
20:27
laser beam and you get to direct that laser beam.
20:30
When you direct that laser beam, beginning to practice this self
20:34
acknowledgement and knowing every 24 hours I'm going to do
20:37
this, your mind is going to start to acknowledge itself on
20:40
its own. That is phenomenal for building
20:42
confidence and worthiness because The thing is on a soul
20:47
level, you already know you're worthy.
20:49
It's just the human aspect of you forgot.
20:52
I just kind of forgot, right? Where our little human is so
20:54
forgetful. So we want to reconnect to that,
20:57
another piece of this, and this is really, I think the most
21:00
important piece of all of this is rewiring these core beliefs
21:05
and these core memories around worthiness.
21:08
So as we went about our lives when we were babies, we felt
21:11
exceptionally worthy, right? You don't see a baby being like,
21:14
Oh my God, do I deserve that milk?
21:16
Like do I deserve that? No, that baby cries and demands
21:19
that unworthiness is a learned behavior.
21:22
The baby doesn't know it, but then the toddler kind of starts
21:25
to know it. Then the adolescent is kind of
21:28
learning it. Then by adulthood, you know it,
21:30
right? You feel unworthy in certain
21:32
ways. And so when we can rewire
21:34
meaning, clear out that emotional charge of those core
21:37
memories around that or those core beliefs around that, then
21:42
we can begin to return to that belief that the baby had of
21:46
feeling worthy of these things, feeling confident within
21:49
ourselves. Because as you grow your
21:51
worthiness, your confidence is already going to grow.
21:54
It's just it's impossible for it not to.
21:56
Confidence is a side effect of deep worthiness.
21:59
And so the way that we work on these core memories is when you
22:02
pull up a memory, this is the coolest thing, I think you have
22:06
about a four hour period for that memory to be rewritten.
22:10
Literally. Our memories are not printed in
22:13
stone. They're malleable, and so you
22:15
can go in and change the emotional nature of that memory
22:19
from something that was really painful and traumatic to
22:21
something that's lighter. That's what we can do.
22:24
And this is the kind of work that I do with my clients where
22:26
we work on these core beliefs like unworthiness at a deeper
22:30
level. So if you're interested in help
22:33
with that, you can send me the Word Podcast on Instagram and I
22:37
will send you a 5 minute video about my program.
22:40
My Instagram is at alignment with Jen.
22:43
You can also e-mail me. I'll put my e-mail in the show
22:45
notes. We work on releasing those
22:47
memories and those fears and those beliefs associated with
22:51
this. That way we return to that more
22:54
baby like state. You know, who's just like, yeah,
22:57
obviously I deserve all the milk in the world.
22:59
Like duh, it's free. OK, then the last piece, part of
23:04
this is teaching your body that it's safe to receive, teaching
23:08
yourself that it's safe to receive.
23:10
So this is also part of kind of creating that evidence.
23:13
One way is through resting because resting is actually
23:17
receiving. It's when we receive ideas.
23:19
It's when we receive rest and healing.
23:22
So practicing receiving, receiving rest, resting when you
23:26
need to instead of being like, oh God, I better do more else
23:29
I'm going to freaking die and blow up.
23:31
Or it's practicing receiving compliments from other people.
23:35
It's practicing receiving money, raising your prices, receiving
23:39
more money. It's practicing putting your
23:42
offers out there and receiving payment for those offers.
23:46
It's practicing instead of being like, oh, I'm just not going to
23:48
charge for my work because I'm a new business owner to be like,
23:51
no, I still deserve to charge for this.
23:53
So where can you practice receiving more, noticing that
23:59
receiving from yourself with that self acknowledgement
24:01
practice. So I hope that this was
24:03
exceptionally helpful for you. Please leave me a comment.
24:06
I'd love to hear your perspective and also follow the
24:09
podcast if this resonates with you.
24:10
It really helps me grow the podcast and be able to create
24:13
more episodes for you. I have so many more.
24:16
We could go on this forever. And so yes, I appreciate you and
24:21
I'm so happy you're here. Bye.