Latest / The BIG Home Ed Conversations | Home Education / Home Ed Burnout: Spotting the Signs, Lowering the Bar (and Finding Your Way Back)

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Home Ed Burnout: Spotting the Signs, Lowering the Bar (and Finding Your Way Back) · The BIG Home Ed Conversations | Home Education

0:09
Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of the Big Home
0:12
Ed Conversations. My name's Kelly Rigg, I'm a home
0:15
educating mum of two and a qualified mindset and ADHD
0:18
coach. I'm passionate about supporting
0:20
parents and neurodivergent families, especially when school
0:23
stops being OK for their child and they find themselves making
0:26
the leap into home education. I'm here with my Co host Ashley
0:29
Venerio, fellow home Ed mum of three and former primary
0:32
teacher. Together we created the big Home
0:35
Ed Conversations podcast. It started as honest, heartfelt
0:38
chats around the coffee table, and it's grown into a space
0:40
where hundreds of you now tune in for real, unfiltered
0:43
conversations about home, education, mindset, and the
0:46
ideas behind how our kids learn. This season, we're digging into
0:50
the tricky bits of home Ed, the stuff that doesn't make it onto
0:52
the shiny Instagram posts. And this week, we're talking
0:55
about burnout. Because whether you come to home
0:57
Ed after your child burnout at school or you're the parent
1:00
running on empty right now, burnout is something so many of
1:03
us know far too well. So we're going to talk about
1:05
what it actually looks like, why it creeps up on us, and how we
1:08
can start to find our way back for our kids and for ourselves.
1:11
So grab a cuppa, get comfy, and let's get into it.
1:14
This is a subject which has been seriously kind of a passion of
1:19
mine for months and months and months.
1:21
Like what months, years? Goodness me.
1:24
Like I I really noticed straight out the kind of gates when we
1:30
first started home education that we absolutely went helpful
1:34
leather and filled our calendar to the absolute brim with all of
1:37
the amazing exciting meet ups and fun things you could go do.
1:40
Oh my goodness, I burnt out so hard and so fast.
1:45
I think coming at it from a person who obviously I chose
1:48
home education from the outset, my children didn't go to school.
1:52
So I haven't experienced my children being burnt out from
1:55
the school and then pulling them out.
1:57
But I have experienced being a parent in the thick of it with a
2:02
tiny toddler and a school aged child trying to get my head
2:06
around going out, doing things, coping with all the meltdowns,
2:11
trying to actually get us through the day, trying to feel
2:13
like when honestly just just even just the fear around
2:16
literacy. In that first year, because I
2:17
was so new to the concept of kind of project LED or eclectic
2:21
unschooly kind of vibes. I had no idea how to let go of
2:26
the like lead reigns, so to speak, and to just relax and to
2:30
allow anything kind of just to happen.
2:34
So I'm super conscious of how important this is as a subject
2:38
for us as home educators, because honestly, it can look
2:41
1000 different ways. But I think really at the core
2:44
of it, it's when we really start to over commit and we don't give
2:49
ourselves enough grace. But how's, how's burnout shown
2:53
up for you, Ashley? Because I know that you've,
2:55
you've been through your paces as well over time, haven't you
2:57
really? Yeah, I think that the thing
3:00
about burnout is it it keeps coming around.
3:02
So you're, you're going to like cycle through it, aren't you?
3:06
I, I don't think there's ever a time when someone's like, Oh,
3:11
I'm, I've never had this happen. And it's like, or I had it once
3:15
five years ago and I've never felt that again.
3:18
I mean, kudos too, if you have. But I think that for me, the
3:24
biggest driver of that feeling of like, Oh my gosh, I just want
3:30
to not do anything today is when we're out of our routine big
3:36
time. I think sleep has a lot to do
3:38
with this. So like this is very personal,
3:41
but for me meeting like it's personal to me, maybe not the
3:45
same experience for you. For me, I get a lot of stuff
3:51
done in the evenings and like after the kids go to bed.
3:54
And so if my kids aren't sleeping or they're staying up
3:57
late or they're not going to bed when they should be going to
3:59
bed, or they keep coming down a million times, it really
4:03
interrupts like me prepping for the next day, me getting
4:06
household chores done, especially with a partner who
4:09
travels a ton, It's there's a lot of of like solo parenting
4:13
happening. And so when that evening is
4:15
taken away from me, it means either I stay up way later than
4:18
I want to or stuff doesn't get done.
4:20
And then of course, that just bleeds either.
4:22
Either scenario bleeds into the next day.
4:25
And that's when I feel like I feel so behind, like I can't
4:29
catch up. And then usually what ends up
4:31
happening is something has to give meaning.
4:33
Like we have a day of no school so that I can catch up on all
4:36
the other stuff or I have a weekend day where I don't like,
4:42
I try to get the kids as far away from me as possible so that
4:45
I can catch up on all the stuff that I have to do.
4:47
But it doesn't always work, does it 'cause when you have your
4:49
partner at home with you, it's sort of it's they're, it's like
4:51
they're still not there. They're still coming to Mommy,
4:53
Mommy, mommy. They're so used to having us as
4:56
their primary carer and obviously I've met plenty of
5:00
home Ed dads, so we're not being sexist here.
5:02
This is just the way our world works.
5:03
But yeah, primary care. 100% they I've the amount of times
5:07
I've honestly I've heard myself saying you do have another
5:09
parent down there. Like you could go to him if
5:12
you've hurt yourself. Like you don't have to come all
5:14
the way up to me when I'm on the computer working.
5:17
Yeah, yeah. It's so it's so funny.
5:19
And yeah, so I think that that's for me.
5:23
And I think that's what kind of leads into like, I don't think
5:25
burnout necessarily is the same for everyone, but it's
5:30
definitely like these little things that happen.
5:34
And I think the reason that we we don't intervene sooner is
5:38
because we've really normalized a lot of these feelings that we
5:43
have as parents. And so we're like, OK, is this
5:47
normal to be this tired? Is it normal that I'm dreading
5:52
going to this meet up because I've I've other stuff I want to
5:56
be doing or I'm just too tired to do it or I'm not scheduling a
5:59
play date? Everything feels like another
6:02
job I have to do, right? Like is is all of that normal or
6:05
is it normalized? But really, we should be
6:07
recognizing it and and getting ahead of it before it makes
6:11
itself so pronounced that we don't want to get out of bed.
6:16
Yeah, I think as you say, I think you're totally right.
6:18
It does look very different for everyone.
6:20
And I think there's there's kind of elements of it like with our
6:24
kids where you can see that like they might not necessarily look
6:27
tired. You really sometimes I think
6:28
they do just look really tired, but they might be just having
6:31
more meltdowns. They might start to do skills
6:33
they've already had. So I mean, I noticed that this
6:35
is an adult. I will have meltdowns.
6:38
I will get really upset and frustrated and irritable.
6:41
Like I will get more impatient about the clutter and people
6:44
leaving stuff everywhere. I may or may not have said that
6:47
if a single cuddly ends up on my dining room table again this
6:49
week that it's going in the bin. Like not the best parenting, but
6:53
I am just like over it. Like every time I look at it,
6:55
there's three more on there and I'm like, why are the cuddlies
6:56
down here? It's like you have a playroom
6:59
downstairs and you have your bedroom.
7:01
They don't live in here. This is my space.
7:03
It's like like the that irritation is an indicator for
7:07
me that's telling me that I am getting irritated with the
7:09
clutter. The clutter is building up
7:11
because I have not got enough time to deal with it.
7:14
And if I don't have enough time to deal with it, then that means
7:16
that I'm doing too much. And this world that we have
7:19
created for ourselves, like we were talking briefly before we
7:22
got on and Ashley made a fantastic point about how
7:25
realistically what's actually happened here is that we have
7:30
created this world for ourselves with all of these things that
7:35
we're supposed to care about. Like our homes and our clothes
7:39
and our diet and what we're doing and how much movement we
7:42
get and how well our kids are eating and their vitamins and
7:47
how well they sleep and where they sleep.
7:49
And my goodness, the things that we have to think about as human
7:53
beings now. And then to add to that, the
7:55
technology that we have obviously created because we're
7:58
always driving efficiency means that we now feel like we have
8:03
got to be Uber productive all day, every day on demand.
8:08
Like if I get an e-mail, I find myself stopping everything to
8:13
answer it. And then I caught myself.
8:15
It's really interesting, actually.
8:16
It's one of the examples from this week.
8:17
I caught myself and went, hang on a minute.
8:21
Why am I answering this now? Like in all seriousness, like I
8:25
just had dinner. I sat down as quickly glanced at
8:28
my phone. My son wanted to look at
8:30
Halloween costumes with me. That's what we're supposed to be
8:32
doing. I quickly checked my emails.
8:34
I spotted an e-mail that he's answering.
8:36
I'm working tomorrow. I should have just left it and
8:40
dealt with it when I was working because that was a work thing to
8:42
do in a work period of time. And we don't do that.
8:45
We we blend it all. And I think as home educators
8:49
and often people who are trying to be self-employed often as
8:53
well, or have a job, and people who obviously you're just a
8:57
parent and you're also the person who takes care of the
8:59
house. Like ultimately there is no off.
9:03
All these things blend together into one messy, like demanding
9:08
swirl. I sound like I'm on a rant now,
9:10
don't I? I sound like I'm about to like
9:12
burst into tears, but I feel like it's like just going down
9:16
this rabbit hole and just like, Oh my goodness, like bury me
9:18
now. I can't deal with this anymore.
9:20
Like it's crazy. But actually what I'm getting at
9:22
is we've got this a world around us.
9:24
That's that's asking things of this all day long.
9:29
And it's very difficult to know which bits of it are actually
9:35
important. Like, and that's that for me is
9:38
what burnout ends up looking like.
9:40
It's when I'm trying to be all the things for all the people.
9:43
I'm trying to make money. I'm trying to do this to for the
9:45
kids. I'm trying to keep on top of
9:47
everything. I'm feeling like I'm falling
9:48
behind. The house has gotten cluttered.
9:49
I'd haven't done the washing up all day.
9:52
And like all of a sudden I'm just like, Oh my goodness.
9:54
And burnout, like true and genuine burnout that has kind of
9:59
cumulative months of this. Ultimately, people recognise it
10:05
in our societies. Like if you say to someone, I'm
10:07
just really burnt out, I just need to take a break.
10:09
Everyone goes, oh, yeah, bless you, you've had such a lot on,
10:12
like, all of this stuff's been happening, you deserve a rest.
10:16
But we don't feel like we can ask for that rest or that
10:19
compassion or that understanding until we have worked ourselves
10:24
to the bone. And really what we've got to be
10:27
able to do is recognize that we do need rest consistently.
10:32
Otherwise we can't sustain like we cannot continue to do live
10:37
like this all day every day for the rest of our days.
10:40
Like it is absolutely not sustainable.
10:43
But I think we are then made to believe that we are a huge
10:45
failure if that's not the case. And I think that's what I really
10:49
want to get through this evening.
10:50
I want us to try and see if we can figure out how we can
10:53
support you guys with this because it's not a healthy way
10:56
to live. Yeah, I mean, you touched on a
10:59
really good point of like when you're saying all the things
11:02
you're you're doing right, like when you're a homeschool parent,
11:05
when are you actually off duty? You're the parent, you're the
11:09
educator, you're the cook, you're the driver, you're social
11:13
organizer, you're the cleaner, you're the emotional support.
11:18
You're the curriculum researcher, social secretary.
11:22
Like I said, the planner, they're like, I mean, and then,
11:24
and then there are plenty of home educating parents who also
11:28
do like paid work, right, who have another job.
11:31
While some aspects of that might finish, there's always another
11:33
one that's still still going. So I think that that is a really
11:38
tricky thing as well because we're we're sort of always on.
11:42
I mean, first and foremost you're a parent.
11:43
So there's that. But you, it's not like we can
11:47
leave our kids at the office and just come back and get them in
11:50
the morning like you could with your computer potentially.
11:52
I know we don't do that anymore. When I first started working,
11:54
you did. That was the glory.
11:56
Days. The good old days.
11:57
The good old days. I just saw so side Rev. I just
12:00
saw this meme that was a comedian and there was like a
12:05
comment from like a recently graduated person who said back
12:09
in the day, when you left work, did you just go home and no one
12:13
could talk to you until the morning when you went back to
12:16
work. And he was like, yeah, exactly,
12:20
exactly. There was no like 8:00 PM text
12:23
message of hey, just really quickly following up on this.
12:26
Like, no, I I left my computer was like a desktop.
12:30
I went home and that bad boy sat there till I got back in the
12:33
morning. And by the way, I vividly
12:37
remember feeling like the difference between graduating
12:42
from university and a real job, and the difference being there
12:45
was no homework. Like I left that job and I had
12:49
nothing on my plate until I went back in the morning.
12:52
And it wasn't. Just a really good feeling.
12:54
Yeah. I could go for my run.
12:57
I would meet up with friends, whatever, do some laundry, watch
13:02
some TVI don't know. But no one at work was bothering
13:05
me. So I think like when you, when
13:07
you know that feeling of really compartmentalizing the aspects
13:11
of your life, and then when you're home educate, you just
13:13
don't have that. And it despite however much you
13:16
want to say, Oh no, I really do. It bleeds together.
13:19
It just does. Yeah, I was talking to him on
13:22
this week, actually. He was saying that often the
13:25
advice that we give to new home educators is to just relax, is
13:28
to just take it easy. Like you don't have to follow
13:30
the curriculum. You don't have to do this.
13:31
You don't have to do that, Do whatever you like.
13:34
She goes. And actually, in a little way,
13:36
that's kind of worse because now it feels like it's actually
13:38
completely on me to come up with what it is that they should be
13:42
doing. And then she said, oh, yeah,
13:45
you're right. Like that does make you suddenly
13:47
think instead of just being like, Oh, yeah, you just have to
13:49
follow this. Actually.
13:51
You are then free to do all of the reading and research and
13:55
suddenly become like an amazing child psychologist and an
13:58
educator and someone who's super advanced and has read all these
14:00
books, like the work that we put in to understanding how to do
14:05
this thing. Like, he's just crazy.
14:07
And I think that point that she made really made me made me
14:11
think about how how much that advice could actually harm a
14:15
parent who's already dealing with a child who's maybe just
14:18
literally completely burnt out from school is having a really
14:21
difficult time. Like that parent is going to be
14:23
burnt out too, right? Because that's there's no way
14:25
that parent has not been trying to a support that child, but
14:27
also jump through all the hoops and bureaucracy and nonsense
14:31
with the school, with the local authority, etcetera.
14:34
And now they've got a child who's probably disengaged
14:38
behaviour is probably going to be quite tricky.
14:41
And now they've also got to try and figure out how they re
14:43
engage them back into learning and to loving themselves again
14:46
or to being OK again or recovering from bullying.
14:49
Like all of it. Like just like it's a lot.
14:52
And I think the key here is not to kind of overwhelm everybody,
14:55
I guess, by just listing all these things.
14:56
In fact, like going yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:59
OK, I'm burnt out. OK, All right.
15:02
Like this is hello. But we have got to start to
15:04
think, OK, we know what it looks like off It's we've lost
15:09
interest in the world around us. Everything feels like it's
15:12
starting to slide. We don't necessarily enjoy the
15:14
stuff that we're planning with our kids anymore.
15:16
We're having to have whole days or weeks to recover from things
15:19
because we just can't. Like it's just exhausting by
15:23
getting through anything starts to feel utterly exhausting.
15:26
And realistically I always say to people like it's not worth
15:30
running towards the light because true burnout is not
15:34
restful. I have experienced true burnout,
15:37
true and utter shutdown level burnout where I have quite
15:40
literally laid in bed for like 3 days staring at the ceiling
15:44
wondering what on earth I've done.
15:45
Like this is just too much and I can't cope and I don't know how
15:49
I'm going to do this. And it feels completely
15:51
pointless and useless to keep carrying on.
15:52
Like why am I even trying? Like I have been there and it
15:55
sucks. It does not feel good.
15:57
It does not feel restful. And So what I work very hard to
16:01
do and have done since is to start to spot the signs and to
16:06
start to actually think what can be done about it.
16:10
Because a lot of you listening probably going, oh, yeah, tell
16:16
me how I stop this. Tell me how I actually get
16:19
myself back on track. Because ultimately that can feel
16:24
utterly impossible when you're really in the thick of it, like
16:27
truthfully, like when you are really stuck with a lot on your
16:30
plate and you don't feel like any of it can drop.
16:33
And it all feels so important. How do we start to actually
16:37
recognise what is not important? Like how do we do that?
16:42
Like where does that even begin? And I think, I mean, if we want
16:46
to look at this from our experience, which I guess is the
16:48
point of these podcasts, it's not necessarily to lecture, is
16:51
it? It's really just to think about
16:52
what our experiences are and to share and to see what kind of
16:55
resonates for you guys. But taking taking my recent kind
17:00
of like overwhelm into consideration and thinking about
17:04
the stuff that really starts to show me that I'm I'm pushing
17:08
myself too hard or how I've tried to prioritize.
17:11
I suppose is, is looking at the fact that like when I say what's
17:15
important is I have to think about the fact that we are a
17:19
family. That's me, my husband, my two
17:21
kids, my animals, far too many animals now, but ultimately
17:27
we've got their education and their health and their happiness
17:30
and welfare, my connection with them, my connection with my
17:35
husband, the relationship that I obviously want to Foster and
17:38
keep alive there certainly don't want us to end up hating each
17:41
other. That would be nice.
17:42
Yes, I've got the house and I've got my work and I've got this
17:46
lovely podcast and all of you, all of you, incredible amount of
17:48
people who are listening to us now.
17:50
And there's a lot of things out there that are important to me
17:53
and important to our family as a whole.
17:55
Like not just to me, but like to the welfare of our family.
17:59
And one of the things which I'm really, really conscious of
18:03
whenever I talk to parents about this as a coach and supporting
18:06
them through the tricky times is often a lot of the time you'll
18:09
hear them say, well, I've given up work and I've, I've given up
18:13
my hobbies and I'm not going out and doing stuff as much so that
18:16
I can be home and be there for my kids more.
18:18
And like, I haven't really been able to get out for my runs
18:21
recently. And I can't even remember the
18:24
last time I picked up a book. And you'll say, what do you
18:25
enjoy doing? Is there anything that you find
18:27
fun or any kind of happiness that you have for you in that?
18:30
And I just like, I don't even remember what would be fun for
18:33
me right now. And for me, this is a, it's a
18:37
really big red flag because that I know, I mean, we've all heard
18:42
it and it's such a cliche that you can't pour from an empty
18:44
cup. But the truth is, you are trying
18:47
to fill your children's cups often as a home educating
18:50
parent, their education and lived experience and their
18:54
childhood becomes our ultimate priority.
18:57
Nothing matters more to us than making sure that they have a
19:01
fantastic childhood, that they are healthy, that they're cared
19:05
for, that we're not traumatizing them, that we're not stopping
19:08
them from having experiences that feel really important.
19:10
Like, my God, have I ever met a group of people more
19:13
conscientious than home educating parents.
19:15
Like we care so much about the lived experience of our
19:18
children. But ultimately, we also have a
19:22
responsibility as parents to show them that being a parent
19:28
doesn't suck, right? And I noticed that when I was
19:37
not doing the things that made me happy and I wasn't even being
19:41
conscious of taking time for me, going out and having some fun
19:44
with friends, just going for a walk by myself, anything really.
19:48
Listening to a book, putting my headphones on and having a cup
19:51
of coffee with the noise cancelling element just being
19:53
like, please leave me alone. Like any of it, right?
19:55
If I didn't prioritize those things and I didn't take care of
20:00
me, then I could not be calm, kind, friendly, playful, joyful,
20:08
enthusiastic. And so ultimately I am then
20:11
showing them that being a mum is just hard and.
20:18
It's, it's like it's a time of life when you're just
20:21
sacrificing and you don't have anything for you and you just
20:24
tell them like, well, you, that's what parents do.
20:27
You just just sacrifice everything and you just do
20:29
everything for your kids. And it's like, well, we can do
20:31
that. And that's a choice.
20:32
And if your mental health survives that and you're feeling
20:35
actually OK in that and you genuinely like a lot of people,
20:39
like I really love my kids and I do really enjoy doing everything
20:41
for them and making their experience wonderful.
20:44
And if that genuinely brings you joy and it genuinely like lifts
20:48
you up and it makes you cup full and it makes you really happy.
20:50
And in some ways it does for me too.
20:52
Like I absolutely like watching my kids play out on the deck
20:54
that's finally finished for the past couple of days has brought
20:57
me endless joy. Like they are playing this
20:59
lovely game. They're both like Dragons and
21:01
they're off, like turning into cool things.
21:03
And they're having a wonderful time playing together.
21:05
And I've seen their relationship blossoming recently.
21:07
And like, I enjoy reading with them and I enjoy playing with
21:10
them and I enjoy all sorts of stuff with them.
21:11
I enjoy learning with them. And so they do fill my cup, but
21:15
it is also challenging and like sitting and doing a few hours
21:20
worth of playing and learning and doing stuff with them does
21:23
leave me with a sense that I could just go go just do with a
21:26
cup of tea and a bit of quiet. And ultimately we don't get to
21:31
make a choice. Do I take that time, have a cup
21:35
of tea, have some quiet so that I can then actually make a
21:40
healthy, well-rounded dinner? Or go for that lovely dog walk?
21:43
Or actually re engage back with them again later and play some
21:45
ball games after dinner? Or do I push through, go and do
21:50
something else, go run some errands, do loads of admin on my
21:54
phone. But you know, I mean, all this
21:57
other stuff that's shouting at is all these stupid little
21:59
niggly bits that we don't think, right?
22:00
Well, now I've got two hours free.
22:02
I best do all of those things so that when it does come around to
22:04
dinner time, I haven't walked the dog yet.
22:06
I'm now really grumpy and fed up.
22:08
I'm going to push through making dinner and I'm going to hate
22:10
every second of it. Then I'm going to want to just
22:12
send the kids to bed because I'm not going to want to do anything
22:15
with them out for that. It's like realistically I get to
22:18
make some choices about how do I pace my day, how do I make it
22:23
manageable? And I think the, the, one of the
22:26
best ways of putting this is it's a marathon, not a Sprint.
22:29
Like their education and their childhood is a very long, very
22:34
long thing. It is going to go on for many,
22:37
many years. And ultimately we we cannot
22:42
Sprint the whole time. Like it is going to absolutely
22:46
wipe us out. And for me, that hour that I
22:49
might spend having a sit down and a rest or going and having a
22:52
lie down or playing a game on my phone and just completely tuning
22:55
out, listen to a book, absolutely gives me the momentum
22:59
that allows me to do the things that feel important.
23:03
It's, yeah. I think just like when you think
23:05
about this, for me and my perspective, it's recognizing
23:08
that sometimes I am just going to have to say, you know what?
23:11
I'm not going to achieve that this week.
23:13
Like it's just not happening and being OK with that.
23:16
It's not beating myself up forever.
23:17
Just saying this, this just isn't going to happen.
23:19
And if I keep trying and forcing it, I'm just going to get upset
23:23
with me. I'm going to get upset with the
23:24
kids for stopping me from doing it.
23:26
It's not them stopping me from doing it.
23:27
They're just existing and they just need stuff.
23:29
There's like ultimately something has got to give
23:32
sometimes. And I guess it's, it's trying to
23:35
figure out for you what bits you could say actually to know what
23:42
I I like. Like it feels important, but how
23:46
important is it really? Like I'm trying to think of some
23:49
examples here. It's so difficult, isn't it, to
23:51
like really pinpoint exact things.
23:52
But it might not be that you never do them.
23:54
Like the stuff that I might need to do as an admin, sit down,
23:58
might still need to happen at some point, but maybe the next
24:01
day, maybe in the evening when, when the day is quiet, hopefully
24:05
they ever go to bed. But like, it's like, I get it,
24:09
Like it's, it's so complicated, but one of the things that it
24:12
just becomes a real constant stop notice.
24:17
Do I need to be doing this? Like who does this benefit?
24:20
What does it bring my life to actually decide whether or not
24:24
it's worth your peace? And I think that's me.
24:28
It's just like a constant battle of cutting down leaving space,
24:33
like even literally scheduling the space into the diary so that
24:37
you can see that that is your protected 2 hours of rest spot
24:41
that you have guaranteed yourself so that you don't
24:44
schedule another play date into it or a trip to the opticians or
24:48
whatever. Right?
24:49
Like just leave it open. Leave it empty in the calendar
24:52
just for goodness sake, do something for you.
24:55
But yeah, sorry, I can see you nodding along.
24:58
Got stuff to say to ushers? No, I think, I think that's
25:02
where like the flexibility of home education comes in, right?
25:05
That we can look at our schedule and say this week this isn't
25:10
going to happen and that's OK. And I think it will also find
25:15
times where this is not true for us this year.
25:18
But in past half term breaks, we've been able to lean in
25:23
because the activities are on pause for that week.
25:26
And we I would typically then maybe one or two days do
25:30
something with the group externally.
25:33
But the playgrounds get overcrowded, things are busy.
25:36
So we tend to to hold up and then we can really dive into
25:39
some like larger studies that maybe we have been putting off
25:42
or play catch up a bit if needed or get ahead if we have the
25:45
time. So I think that there's always
25:48
this kind of give and take with the schedule that that does sort
25:52
of happen. Sometimes we get to that half
25:54
term. And this is a very British thing
25:57
for any American listeners who have and probably anywhere else
26:00
in the world. No clue what I mean by half
26:02
term, but sometimes by the time that we get there, we're I'm
26:07
ready for a break too. So we do kind of just take that
26:10
pause and, and again, being flexible, it's not, it just
26:14
doesn't always look the same. But I think one of the things
26:17
you mentioned earlier, and I just made a note to circle back
26:20
to this is like being able to say when we're when we're
26:24
struggling, what are some of the things that that we can do?
26:28
And I think sometimes there's a point where like, because we've
26:32
made the unconventional education choice, that we
26:36
sometimes find it harder to admit that we're struggling
26:41
because we like feel that our children need to be happy
26:46
social. I mean, they have to be social
26:49
because they're home educated, because we all know that that's
26:51
the the keyword there that there never are, even though they're
26:56
literally never at home. They have to be academically
26:58
successful. They need to, you know, be
27:01
independent, be interesting. I don't know.
27:06
But because otherwise everyone's like, well, see, they should be
27:09
at school because they're not thriving, like, right.
27:13
You know, that is under like, I think we were going to do a
27:16
whole episode on this, weren't we?
27:17
Like the home Ed bar, I think is one of the topics we're doing in
27:19
this season. Yeah.
27:21
And here we go. So I mean, there is absolutely
27:23
pressure that we put on ourselves to like have these
27:28
points of evidence that say like C homeschool works and C,
27:32
they're doing a good job and like their success, like it or
27:38
not, reflects back on us to it shouldn't and it doesn't matter.
27:42
But everyone in the world is gonna look at that.
27:45
And if our kids, if our, if any child isn't doing well, nobody
27:50
cares. But if they're homeschooling
27:52
then it's like oh I'm a parent. 100% that kid would be getting
27:57
straight A's if they were in school.
27:59
It's just kind of such nonsense too, isn't it?
28:01
It's that that idea of like, almost like desperately trying
28:05
to let that go and being like the rest of the world can think
28:08
what they like. Like, I know I make good
28:09
choices. I know my kids are great.
28:10
And like, if they don't get straight A's, it doesn't mean
28:12
anything about them. But you're right, there is that
28:14
that external pressure that the world offers us about kind of
28:18
what success looks like, like how they've reached their
28:21
potential. And, and you're right, like if
28:24
those kids have been in school, then because there's loads of
28:27
teachers, it's like the blame just gets spread out.
28:30
And ultimately then actually what happens really is that
28:33
people then blame the kid because they say they didn't
28:37
work hard enough and they didn't put enough into it and all the
28:39
rest of it. But actually, yeah, I do.
28:41
I do have the same vibe that if like you do see it in forums and
28:45
comments and things like it's like, well, like the parents
28:48
didn't do enough with them and didn't do this with them the
28:49
rest of it. And it's like, well, what's your
28:51
excuse for your kid that didn't do so great at school?
28:53
Like so is that on them? Is that on you?
28:56
Is that on their teachers? Like who are we blaming here?
28:58
And and the point is there shouldn't be any blame.
29:00
But ultimately you're right. It that pressure, real or
29:04
otherwise, is felt like we definitely feel that that need
29:09
to do really, really well by our kids.
29:11
And again, as I say, most of us as home educating parents are
29:15
doing it because it comes from a really genuine place.
29:17
Like we want our kids to be as happy as we can possibly make
29:20
them and as successful and joyful in their endeavours as
29:24
possible. But that pressure to make it so
29:28
it looks beautiful and Instagram perfect, like all day, every day
29:33
is way too much. I mean, the amount of people's
29:35
homes I've been in recently where there's like, we've all
29:38
got it a clutter and the homemade stuff's all out and
29:41
there's there's dishes on the seat to the side and they're
29:43
just like, sorry, please excuse the house.
29:45
Like, it's just like, please don't even look at it.
29:47
And I'm just like, God, have you been in anybody else's house
29:49
recently? Like everybody's house looks
29:50
like this right now. Please don't worry.
29:52
Like, I am not judging. And it's like, it's like I'm
29:55
picking over the shoes on the floor and I'm clearing a spot on
29:57
the sofa and I'm going to come sit my ass down and I'm going to
30:00
relax. Yeah, but.
30:02
If you're cat like. Please don't worry.
30:04
Yeah. Well, so you're bringing up a
30:06
really good point though. So it's not just home like it's
30:09
not just the pressure of homeschool to traditional
30:12
schooling, it's also the homeschool to homeschool
30:15
comparison. So it's like, Oh, well, my kid
30:19
is reading novels and the other person's like, Oh well, my kids
30:23
same age is writing novels. And like, this parent is
30:28
spending their mornings reviewing Latin around the
30:31
breakfast table. And then all children Mosey into
30:35
the kitchen and make sourdough and, you know, scones for lunch.
30:40
And like, we're sitting here like, OK, if we can get our math
30:46
done, I will play one round of Mario Kart, right?
30:51
Like you can have a McDonald's. Yeah, yeah, like we might have
30:56
to stop in Tesco for a meal deal because I did not grocery shop
31:01
last night and I forgot that we will be out of the house all
31:04
afternoon that. Is one of the most infuriating
31:06
moments is realizing that you are not ready for the next day
31:09
at all. It.
31:11
Is, but this is the point, right?
31:12
Like we, we feel like we should be, we feel like we should be on
31:15
that, that why have we done that slip?
31:18
Why haven't we made sure they've had a well-rounded lunch?
31:20
Like if I, my, my, my son doesn't drink literally at all,
31:25
I hope not literally. I mean like water, but like he
31:30
literally won't drink at all unless I remind him.
31:34
I don't actually understand how he would survive.
31:36
And if he was like caveman era, I don't actually understand at
31:41
all because he would just get like really lethargic and get a
31:44
headache and like be feeling really rubbish in the afternoon.
31:46
I'd be like, where's your bottle?
31:48
And he's like in the car. I'm like, Oh, my goodness, I've
31:52
been drinking all day. And he's like, oh, and so like
31:57
we're talking this like sometimes a simple survival
31:59
pressure rate, like just trying to keep your kids alive.
32:02
But then I feel like it's my responsibility that I did not
32:05
remind him to keep drinking. And it's like, well, no, you
32:09
also didn't remind him to breathe in and out, but he
32:11
managed that. And so it's like we take on a
32:14
lot of responsibility for things that are not ours to hold.
32:18
And this, I mean, I've had people say this to me for years
32:22
and this is a real practised art is being able to see somebody
32:26
else's feelings or like our kids success or their happiness or
32:31
their future choices and all the ways that we hope that we will
32:35
have influenced those choices. And to not take on the full
32:38
responsibility and weight of what their future looks like
32:43
feels impossible. But ultimately, I have to
32:47
constantly remind myself that whilst I can provide them with a
32:51
secure home, loving attachment, opportunities and education,
32:58
everything they need to survive and thrive, hopefully they will
33:02
make choices about who they spend time with, who their
33:05
partner is, what jobs they take, the environments they'll end up
33:08
in, the whatever they might end up doing, right.
33:11
Like none of that is entirely controllable by me.
33:15
And so I have to be really conscious of the fact that some
33:17
of this like furious peddling that we're doing is trying to
33:22
prevent all of the crashes we can possibly see happening in
33:26
the future by our actions now. And whilst I'm not saying that
33:31
we should literally just be like, sort of guess, like, let's
33:34
just let everything happen how it happens, ultimately there is
33:38
a balance. And like, I think that it's a
33:40
bit like everything, right? Like it's OK for me to want to
33:42
do some work, but it isn't OK for me to say, do you know what?
33:46
I'm just pausing home Ed for three months.
33:48
I'm just going to go sit at my desk and work for three months
33:50
straight and never look at them. Like that's not going to work.
33:53
And it's not OK for me to say, OK, I matter.
33:56
I'm only going to care for me for the next two months and not
33:58
bother caring for anybody else. And I'm just going to focus on
34:01
getting me. Well, we've got to just start to
34:04
realise that all these different hats that we wear, we shouldn't
34:08
be trying to wear them all at the same time.
34:11
And it's, it's more about just trying to understand how much of
34:14
each thing needs to have some attention in a week or a month
34:17
or a year or whatever to mean that we can take care of us
34:21
enough that we're OK just about even if necessary.
34:25
Like, but we're just about OK. Like we feel connected.
34:28
We feel reasonably, reasonably happy that we're not depressed,
34:32
that we're not literally hiding in bed, that we're not crying
34:34
every night. Like if we're seeing signs that
34:37
we're not OK. Again, for those of us who are
34:41
having a really hard time, there are people out there who will
34:44
help you. Please speak to your GP, Please
34:46
speak to one of the kind of various different charities and
34:48
stuff that support people with mental health.
34:51
But like ultimately, if you are feeling demoralised and fed up
34:56
and burnt out and you don't even know what the heck's like, which
34:59
way is up right now, there are like some really small things
35:03
that you can start to do for you that start to make you feel more
35:05
alive. And I guess like talking about
35:07
the reframe element now, sort of try and perk this episode up a
35:10
little bit, I suppose, is to think about some of the good
35:12
stuff that you can do that is really simple and that she
35:15
doesn't stop you from doing all the stuff that you have to do,
35:18
but ultimately just makes it a bit more bearable.
35:20
And this is something which I was taught years ago and I
35:23
really loved it and it really made a lot of sense to me.
35:26
So it's essentially like a happiness hack situation.
35:28
So if you can think of something as you can hopefully do this as
35:32
you're listening along, think of something that you really,
35:34
really, really hate doing, like something which makes you
35:39
really, really miserable that you probably have to do every
35:42
single day. And you wish you didn't have to
35:43
do it, but you're going to have to do it anyway.
35:45
And so like, for example, I think back when I was first
35:47
thinking about this, it was like getting in the car and trying to
35:50
drive somewhere because like the kids would be crying, they'd be
35:54
moaning, they'd be hungry, They'd be like all the things,
35:56
right? It's just like, I used to hate
35:58
it. It's such a horrible period of
36:00
time. And so essentially, you look at
36:03
that time and you think, what could I do to make it even just
36:07
a little bit better? Like if it's loud, could you
36:11
wear earplugs? If everyone's often hungry and
36:15
grumpy, could you just bring a packet of Jaffa Cakes and a
36:20
coffee and a thermos so that it's ready for you for the
36:23
journey home? Like what?
36:24
Whatever it is, right? What could you do that would
36:28
make that journey just a tiny bit better?
36:32
And it's like just doing anything at all that makes it
36:34
better. And then you basically you flip
36:36
it and you say, OK, what's something I really love doing?
36:39
What, what is it in my day that I really look forward to?
36:41
That is just the best bit. I, I don't know, lying in bed at
36:44
the end of the day. How do I make that better?
36:48
How do I make it even better? Like do I make sure when I go up
36:51
to bed that I've got a lovely little soft light lamp by the
36:55
side of my bed and I get myself some nice new pajamas and I put
37:00
some really lovely sheets in my bed.
37:01
Do I upgrade the sheets on my bed so they're not kind of the
37:03
rubbish old ones I've had forever?
37:06
And do I take like, do I light, I don't know, light a candle so
37:09
you've got a nice smell when you're sat relaxing reading a
37:11
book in bed? Like do you put your phone on
37:13
charge across the room so that you're not like looking at it in
37:16
bed anymore? Like, think of something that
37:19
just makes it just that incrementally better if you can
37:23
apply that, like start with one thing and then exponentially,
37:28
like pull it out and start to do it with more and more things you
37:33
find yourself actually thinking. I'm not really looking forward
37:38
to that. But you know what?
37:38
I've got my thermos and I've got my lovely new coat, so I'm going
37:41
to be nice and warm and I've got my earbuds.
37:44
So I'll listen to my podcast whilst I'm watching them do
37:46
their sports. And do you know what?
37:49
I'm not going to go and chat to the other mums because they're
37:51
clicky and horrible and I don't enjoy it.
37:53
And I'm just going to go stand by myself and listen to my book.
37:55
And if anybody entrusts me to say sorry, I'm on a call, sorry,
37:59
I can't chat today. I'm just, I'm just on a call
38:01
with someone and I'll go, OK, no worries.
38:03
And I'll leave you alone. And you know what I mean?
38:04
Like anything, absolutely anything, like unapologetically
38:09
decide what would make my life better in any scenario and do
38:14
something that makes it better. And it's, it sounds so simple,
38:20
but it really starts to build your gratitude and awareness of
38:24
things that make you happy, even if they're tiny.
38:27
Like this doesn't have to cost money either.
38:29
This really can just be, do you know what?
38:32
I'm just going to take my coffee and stand outside for a couple
38:35
of minutes first thing in the morning and just get some sun on
38:38
my face and a bit of fresh air and just take a few deep
38:40
breaths. Notice something pretty and be
38:45
like, OK, we've got this. I can just step back into your
38:48
day. Like anything really literally
38:50
can be so tiny. But it really, it really helped
38:53
to make me realize that there was some control left that it
38:57
that the life that seemed to be living me was actually in some
39:02
ways I could control the outcomes and I and I get that.
39:09
Not everything, not everything can be controlled and that is
39:12
the point we have to be remember as well is that we can't fix
39:14
everything, but that can really help.
39:16
It's just starting to really think that that just feels a bit
39:19
more like I've got some small way to be kind to myself and to
39:23
make it that bit easier. And and also, I mean, you can do
39:26
this for your kids too, like if they're having a hard time.
39:30
We had a big family meeting once because of the car Jenny thing,
39:33
because there was just one particular day where it was like
39:37
the fateful day. I probably should have given it
39:39
a fun name, but we got home and I threw the keys in the bin for
39:45
the car. I'm done, I'm done.
39:48
I'm not driving anymore. I'm not doing it ever again.
39:52
We're never going in the car ever again.
39:53
And my husband was like, OK, like, you clearly had a really
39:57
bad day. I never tell you the time about
40:01
when I picked up the Christmas tree and.
40:03
Touched it out of the house. Ages ago and we still lived in
40:09
Italy and we had a tiny tree. I mean, it was not, you know, 4
40:13
feet tall and it's for out of their minds and I had been
40:18
pushed, pushed, pushed and I, I consider myself a pretty patient
40:21
person. I, it takes a lot to get me to
40:24
like seriously lose. I I can't even like count the
40:26
number of times I've actually lost like my bad word.
40:33
So let's, it's like, that's it, Christmas over.
40:40
I'll just grab the tree, pulled the plug out with the lights and
40:45
took that bad boy right out the house.
40:47
And the kids were all just like, and there's there's this funny
40:51
story of this woman who does a podcast and she tells this story
40:55
about how she was driving on the highway and her kids, like
40:59
fighting over a water bottle. And she'd been going on and on
41:01
about how it's so distracting to the driver to have like to fight
41:04
while you're in the car. And like all the stuff.
41:06
She literally reached back, grabbed the water bottle and
41:08
chucked it out the window. But like on a highway with other
41:12
moving cars. And I'm talking like a, a big
41:14
like, it's so dangerous. And afterwards she was like,
41:18
yeah, that was, that was bad. Like I should.
41:21
Not have done that. That's like a real like deep
41:24
seated instinctual reaction to something.
41:27
You're really, really, really pushing you too far and like.
41:32
We've all lost our temper. Like we've all lost our temper.
41:35
And I mean, we, we sat down that evening and I was like, right,
41:39
guys, why do we all hate the car so much?
41:43
Like, why is everybody crying and screaming at each other?
41:46
Like we get in the car, like everyone can be fine and we get
41:48
in the car and everyone's screaming like what is happening
41:49
here? And we had a massive chat about
41:51
it and we managed to glean actually what it was is we were
41:54
all anticipating the fact that everyone was going to be loud in
41:57
the car. So the anxiety around the
41:59
loudness in the car was making everybody loud.
42:02
The irony is not lost on me. I mean, like autistic family
42:05
here, what can we do? So we basically just had a real
42:07
chat around. Like I was seeing the car
42:10
journey as a transition time, a time for just sit and rest and
42:14
listen to some music or listen to a book and just look out the
42:16
window. And just like, I find it quite
42:18
relaxing. I actually don't mind driving if
42:19
it's peaceful. And they were seeing it as AI
42:23
need all the things that make me feel better now and then not
42:26
here. They're at home and so they
42:29
needed a blanket and needed a cuddly and they needed a snack
42:31
and a drink and they needed stuff to do and like fidgets and
42:34
we need to listen to an audio book.
42:36
And we literally, like radically transformed the car.
42:38
It cleared it out, hoovered it out, put everything in it they
42:41
wanted. Suddenly overnight car journeys
42:44
were fine. It really was like, it was
42:47
crazy. And it was just one of those
42:49
moments where we reached breaking point.
42:51
And it's it's only usually at that point that we actually do
42:54
something to fix it. And I guess if I can give any
42:58
thoughts off the back of this is to see, like, is there anything
43:01
in your world right now that is feeling unbearable that you
43:05
dread it, that you absolutely wish you weren't doing it?
43:08
Why are we doing it then? Like, if it's, if it's something
43:12
you can't get away from, like, I don't know, putting your kids to
43:14
bed, Fair enough. Like, I'd read that one too.
43:19
How can you make that a better experience?
43:22
Like, how like do you start it earlier so that you don't feel
43:26
quite so resentful at 9:30 when you have lost out on any
43:30
opportunity to watch some TV? Like, do you start it at 7?
43:33
You know, they won't go to sleep until 8:00, but you go up, you
43:35
brush teeth, and then you don't feel quite so annoyed that
43:37
you're sat there reading books and chatting and helping them to
43:40
wind down because you're going to leave them at 8:00 and you're
43:42
going to get to get downstairs. I don't know, like, whatever,
43:44
right? If one situation is different,
43:45
But like, how can you make that experience less fraught?
43:51
How do you make it less exhausting?
43:54
Is it that you, you switch to a low demand bedtime and you don't
43:57
go up and sit there anymore? Like you, you go up, you give
44:00
them a story, you give them a hug and then you say, right, you
44:02
guys can play like go to bed when you go to bed and you go
44:07
downstairs and make yourself a cup of tea and do the washing up
44:09
or whatever it is you need to do.
44:11
But like, ultimately there's number, there's no set way.
44:16
And I think we start to think that the the world has designed
44:19
how it should look and we should be doing it that way.
44:22
And if we're not doing it that way, then we're a terrible
44:24
failure. And ultimately, this is a big
44:28
part of what drives my burnouts when they start to build is
44:31
often I'm trying to meet the expectations of people and
44:35
places that I have no interest in being a part of.
44:39
My little micro habitat of people totally get it.
44:44
They would never judge me for my kids going to sleep at 9:30 at
44:46
night. They would never judge me for
44:48
buying a McDonald's once in a while or for making crumpets for
44:51
tea and just sticking them in front of a movie.
44:53
And then like having a big hug and being on that right bed.
44:55
Mommy's going straight to bed now.
44:57
Like no one is judging me and nobody cares.
45:01
And if they are judging me, then I literally don't care.
45:04
Judge away. And so ultimately, if you can
45:07
reach that point of thinking, do you know what?
45:10
Nobody's watching and nobody cares.
45:12
My kids are happy, they're safe, they're healthy, I love them a
45:15
lot, but I'm not OK and or they're not OK and we need to do
45:20
something to make them be OK. And if that means dropping some
45:23
expectations for a while, lowering some standards, giving
45:27
yourself some grace, scheduling in that rest time, getting some
45:32
time by yourself, talking to them and expressing how you're
45:36
feeling and saying, look, I know you guys love all of these clubs
45:39
that I've booked you into and been going to for a while, but
45:42
this week is mental and I can't do it anymore.
45:45
Like, is there anything here that you really don't care that
45:47
much about? Like is could anything stop?
45:50
And asking them to be complicit in making that decision?
45:53
Like help them to help you to cut it back a little bit.
45:57
Like often they've got their own thoughts on it.
45:58
Absolutely. Like actually, do you know what?
46:00
I don't really like Tai chi or whatever.
46:02
And I'll be like, yeah, OK, I don't really mind if I don't do
46:04
that anymore. And so you can, OK, good, fine.
46:06
Like we'll drop that one. It's fine.
46:09
Like you're OK. You don't have to be doing all
46:10
the things. Yeah, I mean, I had like, sorry,
46:14
I have my notes here, the things that I'm doing that I've done
46:17
recently to kind of help like ease the that that feeling that
46:21
approaching burnout, right. And some of them are exactly the
46:24
same as yours, but one of them is it is this this kind of like
46:26
workload distribution. So I think that often times
46:30
homeschoolers think about the the workload between the
46:35
parents. Like I would say I do
46:36
99.9999999% of the homeschooling.
46:40
OK, don't want to stay definitive 100%.
46:43
But largely I'm the one who plans it, who researches it, who
46:49
remembers it, who buys the resources, who arranges the
46:51
groups, who drives everyone where we're going.
46:54
I worry about the progress. I noticed when something isn't
46:57
working and have to make a change, right?
46:59
And so it's sort of like, OK, often times we only think about
47:03
how can our partner help us and that can sometimes do really
47:05
challenging, but there's also a lot of this that can be helped
47:10
by the kids. So we did the same thing.
47:13
We peeled back some of our activities and it was kind of
47:19
driven by US just feeling like we're constantly driving places
47:23
and there's no day. There was no day where we didn't
47:26
have to to get to something. And that to me just felt like
47:29
that constant, like, OK, we're constantly watching the clock
47:32
all day, every day. When do we have to be here?
47:35
We have to be done with this by this time.
47:36
Then you've got to get ready. I've got to have the lunch
47:38
packed or the snacks packed or whatever.
47:40
And so that was creating a bit of anxiety.
47:42
So I was like, hey, where can we peel back?
47:44
So we have at least two days, maybe 3 where we don't have to
47:48
go somewhere. So the kids helped with that.
47:50
Then the other thing was like, I don't have to be the one to make
47:55
the lunches. I don't have to be the one to
47:58
wash the fruit and put it in the container and to prep
48:01
everything. So I've started getting all of
48:05
my kids involved in this. So like, not just 'cause I was
48:09
thinking like, oh, I'm kind of annoyed that like even when my
48:12
partner's here looking at his phone, drinking his coffee in
48:16
the morning and I'm over in the kitchen making lunches, like I'm
48:20
like, OK, why isn't he helping me?
48:21
But in the same regard, I'm kind of like, why aren't the kids
48:24
helping me? Like they live here for free.
48:27
Earn your keep a little bit. But it's also like major life
48:31
skills, like some of this stuff is so important.
48:33
Like they need to know that their lunch needs to consist of
48:36
carbohydrates, protein, fruits, vegetables, fiber.
48:39
Like they need to understand that all of those things are
48:42
important in a lunch box. And, and yeah, quite often I
48:45
will literally just put their lunch boxes on the side and be
48:47
like, go at it, I'll check it when you're done.
48:49
Make sure you put enough in there.
48:51
And yeah, it still needs me to check it.
48:53
It still needs me to guide them a little bit.
48:54
I might prompt them to put the right things in there.
48:56
But they will, they will get there.
48:59
Like they do pretty well and they quite enjoy doing that
49:01
because then they get to enjoy putting in what they want to
49:03
have in there. Exactly.
49:05
But yeah, we don't have to take on all the responsibilities for
49:09
everything ourselves. It's it's not essential.
49:12
Like it's OK to be a team and to work together.
49:15
Yeah. And then the other thing so
49:17
similar to you and it's I'm so glad you said this because I was
49:19
like, this is going to sound kind of silly, especially this
49:22
time of year starting to get cooler.
49:24
It's getting darker early. Like, you know, I feel like the
49:27
cozy coming on, like you kind of have to lean into that or you'll
49:30
just be depressed. So all of our lights tend to be
49:33
like the bright fishbowl lights and it's fine in the summer
49:40
because they're not on as much. But like when you're living in
49:42
it, I was like, it is so harsh in like our kitchen and dining
49:45
room area. So I got the little like lights
49:50
that you see on the restaurant tables that like click on and
49:53
off, you know? It's just one of the ones that
49:56
goes between the three different modes because they enjoyed that
49:59
a lot at a cafe that we went to once.
50:00
They're just going to keep pressing the button.
50:03
Has only one mode which I'm OK with, but I've like put them
50:08
around the house in little places.
50:10
So like when it's dark, 'cause sometimes even during the day,
50:13
if it's a rainy day, it's dark. We we have extra light that's
50:17
not like this harsh overhead light.
50:19
We got some essential oils for the diffuser so that we can have
50:22
some nice sense that like really just are it.
50:26
It's funny to me, 'cause I'm always on the edge about do I,
50:30
you know, is it good for you? Is it not good for you to have
50:32
these things in the air and like, you know all that.
50:35
But I was like, you know what, It's bringing me joy right now,
50:37
so I'm going to lean into it. So we're doing that.
50:39
And then we also just like you candles burning the candles,
50:44
like they make a difference. So whatever you can do to kind
50:47
of like in being more inviting in this space.
50:50
We've been using the TV for like those YouTube screensavers.
50:55
So we'll pick a different one. There's cute ones that it's
50:57
plays like little background jazz music, coffee shop kind of
51:00
instrumental music. And the kids have been loving it
51:03
and it's been just a really nice way to kind of wind down or even
51:07
just have on in the morning without it being like another
51:11
game or feeling like that screen tag.
51:14
Isn't it? It's kind of crazy in that
51:16
atmosphere that that soothes your nervous system, It soothes
51:19
your senses. It stops you feeling quite so
51:22
sort of frenetic as well. And that kind of like go go, go
51:27
energy as well, because I think that's that's something I really
51:30
struggle with as somebody with ADHD.
51:31
My brain is like either in go, go, go, oh, stop, stop, stop,
51:36
It's one or the other. And so I have to be really
51:38
mindful of that and not push myself to be super go go, go all
51:42
the time and to actually give myself that chance to pace and
51:45
to rest and to just do things that are sensible amount of
51:48
time. And like it is really hard.
51:50
I mean, I I sat and brain dumped into my To Do List the other day
51:53
and added 100 tasks to it. And that in itself was shocking.
51:57
And I was like, is all of this just literally just knocking
51:59
about my brain? Like that's terrifying.
52:01
But what I really got to the when I got to the end of doing
52:04
that and I kind of looked at the number and I was like, Oh my
52:05
goodness, like, how am I ever going to keep up with this?
52:08
It's to remind myself that not all of that was urgent.
52:10
Some of it was like futuristic, like be aware that Christmas is
52:14
coming up, schedule me something for like mid November to sort
52:17
out presents for family or whatever.
52:20
And ultimately it's, it's more just about trying to stop me
52:24
from having to remember everything and and constantly
52:26
cycle rather thoughts in my head.
52:28
But realistically, not all of those things will get done.
52:31
And after a while it'll cut you up my To Do List a little bit
52:34
and I'll go, do you know what? I'm clearly never going to do
52:36
that. And if I haven't had to do it by
52:38
now and it's really no big deal, then it's just going to go, I'm
52:41
just going to take it done, get it off my list.
52:42
Because if it's never happening, that it's not happening for a
52:45
reason and it doesn't matter. And it's yes, OK, some things
52:48
might matter. Some things might certainly that
52:50
feel very important. But then that's when you need to
52:52
think to yourself, if that feels extremely important and I'm not
52:54
getting time to do it, then something's out of balance and
52:58
it needs a bit of a tweak. And so I mean, we could talk
53:00
about this forever. Again, I get these subjects are
53:01
so interesting, aren't they? Because they do make you go.
53:04
It's, it's so relatable. And I think I say, no matter
53:06
what situation you're in right now, you might be really in the
53:10
thick of it, or you might have just experienced this before and
53:12
you're worried about it happening again.
53:13
But ultimately, all that we're trying to say here is that it's
53:17
really normal to feel this way in the society that we live in
53:22
with the expectations that are on us as as women, as parents,
53:26
as partners, as employees, whatever kind of situation
53:30
you're in, the expectations on us are high.
53:32
Wherever you can give yourself some grace if you cannot avoid
53:37
it, make it better. If you absolutely love it, make
53:41
it even better. Try and make sure that you don't
53:43
hate it. But ultimately this is your life
53:48
like you are living it right now.
53:49
This is your existence. You will have this time until we
53:53
don't. And I mean I my business used to
53:56
be called off roading motherhood for a reason.
53:58
I love the concept of actually we need to get off the motorway.
54:01
Like we don't just have to foot down hard on the pedal our whole
54:04
life. Like there is supposed to be
54:06
detours. We're supposed to take our time,
54:08
we're supposed to wander, we're supposed to notice the beauty,
54:11
we're supposed to rest. And ultimately even a marathon
54:16
runner takes a break. Like we've got so much work here
54:20
to do, but it doesn't have to drive us.
54:24
We're allowed to take a minute and actually say, do you know
54:27
what? We're just not today because
54:28
we're tired. And I mean, we've done it so
54:30
many times recently where I've just have looked into my kids
54:33
faces. I was like, right, it's topic
54:34
day today and they're like, I'm tired.
54:37
And it's like, do you know what? So am I like you're right, so am
54:40
I what else could we do? Like how could we do this in the
54:43
lowest expectation, a way that we can possibly manage?
54:45
We ended up watching YouTube videos about zoos across Europe,
54:50
like Simple. It was great.
54:52
It was really interesting, we learned a lot, We got to talk
54:55
about all the amazing different exhibits and it totally ticked a
54:57
load of boxes. But it totally didn't take any
54:59
effort at all. Like under a blanket on the
55:02
sofa, cuddled up together, eating a snack, perfect.
55:06
Like it ticks the boxes, it's fine.
55:08
And I think we just need to lower the expectations a little
55:10
bit. Sometimes when we are feeling
55:12
burnt out or we feel like it's coming, we really need to slow
55:16
down before we get there. Please, please don't run towards
55:20
the light. And tell us your tricks for
55:25
changing the environment or reducing the workload.
55:29
Whatever is helping you to sidestep that burnout, we'd love
55:34
to hear about it all. Right, guys.
55:38
So we'll see you again next week.
55:43
You've been listening to the Big Home Ed Conversations podcast.
55:47
Thanks for tuning in. Don't forget to subscribe, leave
55:50
a review, and share with a friend.
55:53
Follow us on Instagram and Tiktok at Big Home Ed Podcast
55:57
for updates. Also check out our website at
56:00
Big Home edpodcast.com. Next episode, we're getting into
56:04
the question. Every home Ed parent has
56:06
muttered under their breath at least once.
56:09
Why won't they just dot dot dot? We're talking learning styles
56:14
and effort. Why one child flies through a
56:17
worksheet while another needs to build it, act it out, or argue
56:21
with you about it first. If you've got more than one
56:24
child and none of them learn the same way, or one child who
56:28
doesn't learn the way you do, this one's for you.
56:31
See you then and thanks for listening.