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EP 46 Friends Doing Life Together Well - Hannah, Elise & Grace · iRefresh Podcast

• 0:05
  After a decade of gathering women together for prayer, we are inspired to bring our words of encouragement to you. This is iRefresh. Welcome to iRefresh, where we empower ordinary women to do extraordinary things through the power of prayer and God's Word. And today, I'm in the midst of what I believe to be extraordinary women.
• 0:29
  but we are ordinary, but yet we have so much rich history of friendship here. We counted up earlier that we have about 45 years worth of friendship here, okay? So I'm Carrie Kittinger, this is Patty Gerstenberger, and we've been friends for 30 years.
• 0:44
  And then we have Elise Shea and Grace Matthews and Hannah Kunze. And you all have known each other, two of you for about 15 years. Three years. Three years. So we have a lot of friendship going on, right? Yes. Welcome. We're so glad you're here. Thank you for having us.
• 1:04
  We really wanted to talk about friendship and even what a good friend looks like and even asking the question, am I a good friend? What have you found to be some character traits of your friendship together?
• 1:19
  I think like maybe intentionality. So like, maybe like, hey, do you guys want to go to dinner? And even if they say no, just the fact that, oh, we ask them, you know, like, hey, I want to include you. Like, I want to be with you, but if you can't, that's okay. But, you know, just be intentional with what you do every day. So.
• 1:34
  An intentional friend is a wonderful friend. To know that somebody is thinking about you and wants to spend time with you, right? Yeah. I think something we've also noticed is even if we aren't sure if the person can go, to ask anyways. I love that. Just the thought that counts. That's really good. Well, the other thing that I love what you said earlier, Hannah, was considering other people's love languages.
• 1:59
  That's just a wonderful reminder to us that it's not all about what you can give me, but it's, okay, how can I be intentional, like you said, Grace, and really step into what would you like? Do you all know your love languages?
• 2:15
  Yes. Oh, that's so great. Okay, so those who are watching on podcast or listening, not watching on podcast, listening on podcast or watching on YouTube who don't know what love languages are, who wants to just rattle off what some of the love languages are?
• 2:32
  So there's like words of affirmation which is like, oh you look so pretty today and like it just, it's like someone just loves that and then acts of service, like if I did something for Elise, she's like, oh love that or, or like just leaving little gifts or notes for them, like that might be more to one person than if like,
• 2:48
  you know you were to say oh you look so good today or something like that so it just it's different there's also quality time and physical touch Elise loves physical touch that's one of her top ones and words of affirmation and they know that so they give me hugs all the time I do like physical yeah I have a hard time because by the end of this time she's gonna be all the way
• 3:17
  Well, and you know what? Honestly, when you're in college and you're away from home, I mean, you know, as a mom, I always, whether my kids wanted me to or not, I always gave them a hug. But, you know, when you're in college, sometimes it's like, I haven't had a mom hug in a while. Yeah. Just even as being friends, just knowing when maybe you've had a hard day or when you just know, even if they're maybe not physical touch, just going in and giving a little side hug and just saying, I'm thinking about you. Yeah. And don't you think maybe that's it too in friendship? It's, it's noticing. Mm-hmm.
• 3:47
  And preferring each other. You know, when you want to do something, knowing that Elise may prefer this restaurant or her. You know, you really would like to go to another one, but that would mean a lot to her. Especially when, you know, if Carrie's having a rough day knowing, okay, somebody needs a coat. She knows what I like, exactly.
• 4:07
  Alright, well I'm interested because, you know, Elise and Hannah were friends before Grace came in. How has that worked with you? Like sometimes when you know you've had a friend where they've had this history and you're like, okay, they're going back to kindergarten again, talking about, you know, playing in the sandbox. You're welcome. Right. So has that ever been, have you ever felt left out?
• 4:31
  I actually have not. They were actually really welcoming freshman year. I think we just grew closer as a group. It wasn't just like, I mean they were obviously close as individuals, but we were just able to grow as a group. So, you know, their past friendship, that's awesome and all, but it didn't really affect how our friendship was now.
• 4:50
  I think it's, oh, go ahead. Go ahead. Okay, I think one of the big things is freshman year, whenever we first met, like me and Grace met. I noticed you're touching. By the way. What can I say? Me and Grace met and we became friends and we got close.
• 5:08
  And then like her and Hannah met and yeah, it was sort of like instead of me and Hannah both meeting Grace and like becoming friends with her together It was sort of like we special we had that like individual connection And so I think that helped because it wasn't just me and Hannah right going to become friends with Grace together It was like we naturally just each had that individual connection and I think that really helped Yeah
• 5:33
  Well, I know Patty and I have been friends, like I said, for 30 years. And so we have a lot of history. But one thing that's really worked for us is realizing that maybe we don't have one best friend. And Patty, what do you like to call it instead of just having one best friend? Because really if you have one best friend, like that's a lot of pressure on somebody that you are not going to meet. Or, you know, whether it's you meeting that or wanting somebody to meet, you know, of course you're my best friend. And they're like, well...
• 6:01
  Yes, but so we like to think of it as more of a bouquet and you know like you have a beautiful bouquet even amongst yourselves and sometimes the bouquet is a little bit bigger, sometimes it's a little bit smaller as you go through seasons but
• 6:16
  You know, really, Jesus is at the center of that. But being able to even celebrate, which, you know, I'm going to guess that you've had times where two of you have done something and the third one can't. And choosing to celebrate that without feeling left out. And that's really a choice. Yeah.
• 6:36
  Have you found yourselves, have you ever had a disagreement amongst each other? Ooh, true confession. Disagreement or frustrations? More than kind of passive aggressive maybe a little bit at times, but yeah. Or just even miscommunication, right? Miscommunication. Right, definitely. We've noticed, we've talked about this a lot, that has been the root of whenever we've had something,
• 7:05
  tension or frustrations and we've just always talked about how we have to confront it as soon as it happens and talk about it what does that look like like if you're frustrated at me I said something or I was late or miscommunication or whatever
• 7:21
  Like do you take care of it that day? Yeah. Yeah. Like that hour. That hour. We can't stand it. And you know what? Not everyone has been taught that. So what does that look like? Like do you just like show up and talk with a person or do you try to like set some time and the person knows, okay, they're mad at me or we need to get this figured out.
• 7:44
  Like what does that look practically for you? I've had like a squabble or anything which, you know, I just kind of go to the room and I'm like, hey, like is everything okay? You know, can we talk about like what happened, you know? And so we get it resolved that way, you know? I think we're all just like people pleasers too and so we don't like the feeling of like someone, you know, kind of being upset with us or something and so we don't want to resolve it.
• 8:11
  That's really good. And I love even working at maintaining the innocence of the relationship. And then if I frustrated her that she doesn't keep bringing it up. You know, just really bringing that shame in there. But just the importance. I love, goodness at 2021, that you all have already learned how to quickly work through
• 8:33
  you know, miscommunication or frustration or a little squabble, but that squabble can grow if you don't. Yeah, and just learning how to forgive and forget. Yes. Because there's so many things that we could say when we're frustrated and heated and just forgiving, forgetting, just as Christ did to us. Yeah.
• 8:53
  Which is such a gift that you're giving to each other. Absolutely. And if God's mercies are new every morning, I have to remind myself, too. It's like, hey, I want to have fresh eyes for my friend. Or I want to have fresh eyes, you know. Now I'm obviously married and with kids. And I want to have fresh eyes for those that we're the closest to, right? Because even though, I mean, you all are living in a pint-sized room, you know. And so just, you know, some are messier than others. And you don't have to tell who.
• 9:22
  Or some like to keep the light on longer or turn the light on earlier in the mornings. And so just even just learning to just go, hey, I could choose to be frustrated or I can just, you know. Really walk in love. Absolutely, absolutely. And so I think we started out with intentionality, but then just choosing to forgive, choosing to just maybe, what am I gonna focus on? All the things that are bugging me?
• 9:48
  because I barely got any sleep last night because I was studying for a test, right? And yeah, or am I gonna focus in on like, I really, I want this friendship for life. And I think for Patty and I, we also celebrate each other's friends. Like for instance, I mean, Patty has lots of friends that I'm, I mean, I enjoy them, but we're not best of friends. And so just even allowing each other, not allowing, not like you need my permission. But giving each other freedom.
• 10:15
  that you don't feel like you have to hide. Right. Oh, you know, we're not including Hannah this time. Well, you know, that it's fine. Right. Maybe Hannah's not in that class with you. And so it's just natural that maybe you're going to lunch afterwards or, you know, as like, you know, Patty and I raising our kids, I mean, if her kids were in a sport that mine weren't, well, then she's going to have a lot of other friends that I'm not, I don't have. So, but just learning to celebrate that. Yeah. Has that been something that you all have?
• 10:45
  had to put to practice? I think so. Yeah, I think it's just important to remember that there's going to be your time to go hang out and have fun and looking forward to that and not getting jealous because that can happen. Because in college there's just so many different, like, you have classes with different people, you meet different people, and so you're going to be hanging out and making new friends and just...
• 11:11
  being aware of that and saying like, oh, I'm just glad that they have another great friend. Right. Instead of being like jealous. They're spending more time with them. And I think that's something that we haven't really struggled with too much, but I have noticed like a lot of people in college have struggled with that because I mean, it can make you feel like sharing friends or struggling with struggling with people like,
• 11:39
  getting new friends and so yeah it's like oh she was my friend and now she has new friends and now like i feel like we don't hang out as much and it's just
• 11:49
  they have beef because of that instead of celebrating them. It's like their time is split, so she'll be hanging out with them instead of hanging out with me more often, you know, that kind of thing. So it kind of is a struggle, and it kind of does hurt a little bit at times, but then you have to think like, well, you know, I'm happy for them, I'm glad they have those friends. Like maybe those friends helped them grow in a different way than I could, you know. Yeah, that sounds good. Or even like maybe this person now is in a leadership position, like an RA or a chaplain where they're,
• 12:16
  I mean, they're having to bring on a whole new avenue of friends. And so you're right. It is, we just have to give each other grace, don't we? And hold it loosely. Absolutely. I also think that we can fall into having lots of different friends, but not necessarily having relationship. Yeah. And it seems like you all really have relationship, which is so beautiful. Yes. Yeah. Have you all ever had a friend that wasn't?
• 12:43
  A good influence or not, I mean, was a bad friend? No names, we don't need to know. We won't call people out. And what did that look like? Just like character wise, like that even made you realize, oh, I'm not sure this is really great for me.
• 13:02
  Yeah and it's nice because like when you're really close with like two friends like them, you know you can kind of get over the fact that that other person is not such a great influence and so like you know you might lose that friend but then you still have your two really close friends or the ones you have deeper relationships with so I think that's crucial.
• 13:20
  And one thing, I always remember somebody saying, you don't want to be held back where you were five years ago. So five years from now, that friend that maybe you're not spending time with now because of certain choices, maybe they won't be making those five years from now. And so I always just like to just almost just
• 13:39
  cheering that friend on still maybe from afar. Maybe they can't be your closest friend, but just also just rooting for them to make better choices. And I think that's maybe one thing that Patty and I were talking about earlier is, you know, because we've been friends for 30 years, there's been times we've had to rejoice with one another, and there's been times that we've wept with one another.
• 14:02
  And there's been times that maybe I've been in a season of rejoicing and she's been in a season of weeping, but yet being there for one another. And I can remember a specific time that was a real time of rejoicing for me and it was a really difficult time for Patty, but yet she threw a party for me.
• 14:20
  And, you know, so just those kinds of things where it's like I knew that that was a real sacrifice for her. But it meant to me that she was thinking about me and not just about herself. But yet then I also knew I wasn't just calling her every day and just telling about all my celebration. And I could be with her and passing the tissues during that time. And so anyway, has that ever happened with you all? I mean, just that whole rejoicing with each other, weeping with one another, but cheering each other on as well.
• 14:50
  Yeah. It's a beautiful thing to have friends that you can work hard at not just being understood and heard, but really stepping in and wanting to hear each other. Yes. You know, whether you're celebrating or, you know, whether you are weeping, but just being there for each other and knowing that, you know, in Proverbs, I think it's Proverbs 18, 21, where it talks about that in our...
• 15:15
  and we have power in our tongue to bring life or death. And there's no gray in there. And realizing that it's really a choosing of myself that am I gonna speak life words? Am I gonna complain to you about, whether it's even about myself or about you or about a class or about anything? Or am I gonna choose really life-giving words that are edifying to you? And that's, I mean, I really think that's a challenge. And if you're actually even encouraging each other, I mean, she said so,
• 15:45
  many times to me, you're not real positive. Hey, we've done that with each other. And I think that's what it is when you feel loved by a friend. For instance, if I had a piece of poppy seed in my tooth, I would want you to tell me about it, right? I know, pepper, exactly, black pepper. But, you know, so. We literally have a picture of her husband and she's got this ginormous peppercorn. It's like, come on! And my husband goes, well, it wasn't that bad.
• 16:14
  I'm like, honey, I don't care how big or small, let me know. But I think just even with that, like being able to, there's a Proverbs that says, the wounds of a friend can be trusted. And, which is an interesting phrase, but because we're not gonna wound one another, but sometimes when someone tells the truth, it can be a little bit like, ouch, that hurt, but I really needed to hear that. And it's so out of love. Absolutely. Well, it's absolutely. Oh yeah. That's good. Mm-hmm.
• 16:43
  So as we wrap things up, I would love to hear from each of you what you feel like is important in being a good friend. Something I can think of is understanding what your friends
• 17:00
  receive best like how they receive love so going back to the love languages thing if They are more acts of service, but you're more words of affirmation And if you say something to them encouraging they might not receive it as much as you Going and doing something for them. And so that's good. I'm cleaning my car. Yeah Yes
• 17:25
  That's good. Or doing a late night coffee run when someone's working on a paper or whatever. Yeah, that's really good.
• 17:31
  And I think being an example of Christ, you know, just like in your everyday walk, like, you know, I don't, you don't ever know like what everyone is going through all the time. But, you know, one act might be like, oh, wait, maybe I need to rethink that or something. Or, or just even like, you know, like she was saying, like just compliment people or be intentional and just know, like, you know, be interested in them, show you have interests. And it's not like fake, you know, like, I really want to know you and I really want to know like.
• 17:57
  the real you. Yeah, being genuine. That's beautiful. That's good. The engagement, the pursuit of the engagement. Yeah. That's sort of what I was going to say is just like someone who will intentionally like ask you to go to get coffee or like someone who reaches out because I feel like I'm usually the one who like reaches out to people. And so I like people to reciprocate that and like reach out to me. I don't always want to be the one like making the plans. So whenever.
• 18:27
  I have friends who do that, that makes me feel loved. And so that's something I look for in friendship, is like, do they actually wanna hang out with me? Like, are they gonna take the time to like,
• 18:36
  call me or text me, like take the time in their schedule to do that for me. So that's big. That's good because sometimes you test it a little bit. I wonder what happens if I don't. Uh-huh. And it really can lead to disappointment, but it can also be an honest conversation. You know, we've talked about that. I need to, you know, pursue you or please pursue me.
• 18:58
  Absolutely. And sometimes, you know, really nowadays with just even being able to send an encouraging text because there are times that maybe you have a really busy day and you want to connect more but just even being able to say, hey, how did your test go? Like almost remembering, I'm thinking about you. I remember that you had that test at 2 o'clock and you're texting at 2.45, how'd it go?
• 19:24
  No, that's really good. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. What a delight. We, yeah, we loved it. We loved it. I know one of the things that Carrie's very good at is words of affirmation. And whether it's pursuing me with a text or putting something on social media and just letting me know that she's thinking about me, which, you know, I may not return, you know,
• 19:53
  the message until later on, but just how much it means that in the middle of her busy day that she reaches out and does things for me. Sometimes it's just the little things that mean the most. Sometimes Grace will come into our room and she'll leave a little treat for us and write a note. I love it. And coming back into the room after just a long day and seeing that from her just like brightens my day and it makes me feel loved that she thought of us and just wants to give that to us, yeah.
• 20:21
  And like, yeah, Hannah, she'll like, if I have a big test, I'm stressed. She'll like, out of the bullet, she'll be like, how was it? I was like, oh, it was good. I didn't know you remembered that. But yeah, so just those things. And really, those small things can mean the world to you even days after I find myself thinking about like, oh, that was so nice of Grace. I want to be that kind of a friend to her and to Elise. And so then I'll think.
• 20:45
  what can I do, what would I want to receive today? How can I show them that I love and care for them? That's really good. Just the examples of being a friend can be so creatively different. And even being able to celebrate the different personalities that we all have, but also stepping into, like you said,
• 21:05
  Hannah was stepping into each other's worlds and doing something that might be unique and make us all feel very special, which is really God's heart for us. Absolutely, absolutely. Well, there's a scripture that always stands out to me in Exodus talking about how the Lord spoke to Moses face to face as a man does a friend. And I think really for me, one of the things that I've learned is the more I can receive the true friendship that Jesus can give me,
• 21:33
  It's like anything else is icing on the cake. Does that make sense? And so when we're coming to friendship with a dry well or an empty spirit, it's almost like a human being cannot fill that completely. Right? But when we can just take the time to allow the Lord to fill us up and to tell us who we are in Him and for Him to express...
• 21:56
  through His Word, what He thinks of us, then really it spurs us on to love others, but also whatever else we receive, it's coming into a full heart and not an empty one. Does that make sense? Yes.
• 22:12
  So talking about that bouquet, I was thinking maybe that's like when there's the single rose in the in the bud vase. Right. To go that that really Jesus is that beautiful rose, you know, that just really stand. I mean, a rose stands up on its own. Right. And looks beautiful in a bud vase on its own. And and so I think maybe just even the importance in friendship of putting him first in our lives.
• 22:37
  Because sometimes when I'm grumpy, it's like, I'm like, I just need a little time with the Lord. And it helps me be a better friend, right? It really does. Maybe that's just me. I don't know. No, it doesn't. No, I feel the same way. I feel like sometimes I just need, like, if I am not naturally going to be kind or naturally going to be patient that day, I just like,
• 22:58
  I need the Lord and the Holy Spirit to come and fill me just with his supernatural kindness and his supernatural patience so that I can share his love. Yeah, that's beautiful. Instead of turning and doing the opposite. You know, it's like, I can't do it on my own. I need him. And even as a good friend, how it's important for us to take care of ourselves so we can take care of each other. Yes. And if I'm grumpy, that's not your fault.
• 23:24
  Right, well, I don't know. Maybe it is. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's almost like we all need our mom to like give us a time out every once in a while, right? It's like, you know, you just maybe need a little time out before you can enter back into the friendship circle, right? That's right. You have to play your play. Yes, yes, absolutely. Oh, my goodness. Whenever I was really close with one of my good friends and I was working towards the friendship and I just,
• 23:52
  didn't feel like she was putting in the work anymore and our friendship was sort of going downhill and I was trying to fix it and then she didn't really want to and that hurt me a lot and so I took that really personally and I just took that hurt
• 24:10
  deep into my heart and I didn't want to like become friends with her again because of the hurt that she put upon me and just learning to go to God after that and like forgiving her and then talking to her so that I didn't hold this grudge of hatred toward her and that was something that I struggled through. It was a hard time because it just made me feel unloved and unwanted in that friendship but just working through that and
• 24:40
  going to God with my problems instead of
• 24:43
  like just keeping it all inside was something that really helped and just forgiving her instead of just holding that against her. Yeah. I think it's also important to remember that people will let you down sometimes and people aren't perfect. I'm not perfect. We're not perfect. And it's just important to remember that you can always trust God and he will always, he's never going to change even though we might. And always going to him and giving him
• 25:13
  all of your frustrations, all of your feelings, and getting them out because they're going to come out somehow. And to piggyback off both of those, it's not always a two-way street. Sometimes it's a one-way where you're giving it all and you're not getting anything back. And so, you know, maybe they do distance themselves, maybe it ends and maybe that's
• 25:34
  you know, the Lord allowing maybe someone else to come into your life in that spot maybe, I don't know. That's good grace. Yeah, just have hope that the Lord has your best interests. I always remember hearing somebody say, you know, when Paul and Barnabas, it says in the Bible, they had a sharp dispute.
• 25:52
  I'm like, ooh, I'd like to have known what was happening behind the scenes there. But we see later that Paul became really close to Timothy. And so sometimes even when there's been something difficult that happens, there's somebody else that the Lord has for us to invest in later. And then we also see in the scripture that Paul and Barnabas did, again, go into ministry together. And so I think even just sometimes just even knowing maybe there just needs to be a rest that...
• 26:20
  and like, hey, maybe hit the pause button. Not the hate, you're out of my life button, but the pause. And the space. Right, the space and the pause to almost let things settle a little bit. And, you know, the Lord will work on our hearts, right? And we know that he'll work on theirs as well.
• 26:37
  So, yeah. Well, we've talked about a lot of the good, some of the bad, some of the even maybe the ugly things of friendship. But man, how aren't you glad that the Lord has gifted us with other people and that we weren't meant to do life alone. And so, man.
• 26:56
  You gals have taught us the intentionality, using those love languages and keeping the short accounts and just really going out of your way to be intentional and to love on friends. And I hope Patty and I have shown you what a 30-year friendship can look like. And now we have three new ones.
• 27:14
  Exactly. Exactly. But really just through the twists and the turns of life and just believing the best in each other and giving each other space to have other friends and to grow. So thank you for being with us here today. And we would love...
• 27:30
  For you out there who are listening on the podcast or watching us on YouTube to just connect with us. Go on to iRefresh.net. Subscribe to the podcast. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Because we want to hear about you're our friends as well. And we want to be a friend to you. We want to pray with you. Leave your prayer requests. Let us know what really ministers to you as a friend. And go and be a friend to others.
• 28:00
  I'm sorry.