Latest / Lightbearer's Library / The quiet trauma of the highly sensitive man's door slam (INFJ)

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The quiet trauma of the highly sensitive man's door slam (INFJ) · Lightbearer's Library

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, dear soul.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: If this journal entry has reached you, then it means that you are probably a kind man because the men who watch this channel are the kindest men on the internet.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that means that you probably give people the benefit of the doubt.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: You think of them as good people until proven otherwise.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: And you probably, you know, extend trust maybe a little bit more than you should.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And when this gets taken advantage of over and over and over again by, you know, the same person, there gets to a point when the violation, you know, something snaps.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: The part of you that, you know, wants to think kindly of another, that wants to continue to repair a relationship with someone and keep the harmony is overridden.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: A more power powerful part of you, because of that violation, overrides that feeling of wanting to keep harmony.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And because it's decided that the pattern has been repeated enough times to know that the repairing of that relationship will only result in more harm to yourself.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: So in that moment, when the violation becomes too much, when it's it reaches the I've had enough, there's perhaps this, you know, my husband is describing this because the reason why I'm making this journal entry today today is because my husband has been through this today.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we we talk through what happened internally for him.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so if this has happened to you, then you know, perhaps you can can relate or can share more about how it is for you.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: But you're saying that this aggressive, you know, overpowering of that feeling harmony function inside of us, that, you know, and perhaps there's this, it's a sense of defensive power, like the power to protect, protect yourself that comes from standing your ground and protecting yourself regardless of the other person's feelings.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the key part is is that you know, you stop taking that person's feelings into account and the harmony of the relationship and something shuts down.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're into you know the personality type world, this can is called often called the door slam, the INFJ door slam.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: My husband is an INFJ, so this is if if you know what that is, then this is what this is referring to.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: So in that moment, you know, today's today's door slam was a face-to-face with our landlord.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And when that ha when this moment of violation happens in person, obviously that that feeling is is is greater.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: The the feeling of adrenaline of violation, it it and the aftermath of having done that is is traumatic.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Is on the inside, right?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: There's just so much that has happened internally for a man to get to that point, for you to get to that point of slamming the door.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband actually like literally slammed the door in our landlord's face.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Not like a big slam, but it was like shut the door.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: So there was a literal a literalness to to this moment.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to recognize that this moment is traumatic for you because I know maybe from the outside others can see it as coldness or whatever the the ways that other people see what happens.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: They're not seeing the inside of how much you've bent over backwards to allow that person to kind of to to continue to build harmony.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: So there's this internal wreckage that has happened to lead up to that moment and that moment just it it's yeah, I I honor that, you know, and then and then the nervous system, your nervous like his nervous system is like so out of whack that it takes, you know, half a day or you know, I mean, uh he hasn't recovered yet, so that happened this morning, but I think that then after after that moment has happened of putting up the boundary with that person, you know, I and I think I think also it happening in person versus sort of by email or text, it it it it the the the part that's not the feeling part that cares about what that person's feelings is can get thrown out viscerally almost.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um versus in a text or email, the feeling part can calm, calm you down and talk you off the ledge and say, oh, I know, but they you know, they we could give them one more chance, like they probably weren't, you know, meaning that or or whatever, right?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I found that in my you know, 11 years of being with my husband, that it's the in-person things where that powerful force will kick in much more than when it's a text.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like sometimes it should kick in with text to where he should just like it would it would help if he had he did that earlier because then it would lead to a lot less pain and being taken advantage of like a doormat later on.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: But that's something he's working on and learning about, and it's hard when you've got a pattern that that perhaps began in childhood of being the doormat.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: So and then after that that door slam happens, there's this well, maybe I'll just tell you the story as a quick update on, you know, I've told the story about our landlord.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like we have stairs that are outside stairs, and the snow is coming and the frost, and they're not up to building code.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: The the top step was way taller than all the rest of them, and people were tripping on it like we were tripping on it, and people who came to deliver are tripping on it.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: The the the pathways, like everything is just a kind of a tripping hazard.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: So we, my husband, had to follow up with our landlord to say, have you fixed it?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Can you fix it?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's wrong?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, so this has kind of been going on the last couple of weeks, and Ray, my husband, has been wondering, should we should we move?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like he's feeling like he can't trust this man anymore, that he lies to us about things, and he just and kind of had a feeling that this might happen because it's a bit of a clown show, you know, where this like my I was still sleeping.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: My husband had just barely woken up and was half half dressed, and the landlord's like knocking on our door and asking him if like the guys just texted and they can do the stairs now.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, my husband just was like we require 24 hours notice, like, you know, basically the you know, the law says 24 hours notice, um, because you know, there's anyway.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think part of this this thing that can happen too with the door slam is that it's then it's then kind of maybe you feel like it's your fault, you you're the bad guy then for for reacting in that way, in in a in a way that is totally legitimate standing up for your boundaries and saying things.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um obviously, like we said, just do it.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know, even though it'd be like, no, like you should have texted, like the landlord should have texted them and said, You need to, we need 20, I need to give my tenants 24 hours notice.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like today doesn't work.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: But of course it's supposed to snow this week, so our landlord's like freaking out.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: He's had five or six months to do it since we moved in.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, so after the door slammed, this desire that you that that my husband has to repair that relationship is gone.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's cold, it's over.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And the difference I think is that it's it's it doesn't he doesn't care anymore.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't care that he the relationship is a mess or that like who knows what he's thinking.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um but at yeah, like you said, at the end of the day, you kind of come out looking like the bad guy.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, he's left feeling like this intensity of emotion and feeling violated and you know, like I've told you the the Coles Notes version of the story, obviously.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: But um yeah, it's just I just want to honor that if you've if if this has happened to you in your life, if you've experienced this, the intense, the intensity in your body, the intensity of emotion, the intensity of uh of the whole experience.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I would love to hear your your experience with this, if you know it as the door slam, or if you don't, you recognize this, this that it has happened with you, and perhaps it could be with family members or friends or you know, partners in your that in the past where it just happened one too many times and it was like that that's it, you know.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um and it's not it's not angry, it's not explosive like in a blowout, it's just it's just I'm I'm done.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm done with you.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: So um yeah, I would I would love to hear your comments.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if the Light Bearer's library has become a meaningful place for you and you'd like to help me keep creating this space and um these journal entries, then please consider donating any amount, no matter how small, is meaningful to both me and my husband.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I thank you all who have already done that.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's I I'm I'm so blessed to have you all kind men in my community and in this community that we're we're building together.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: So um if you would like to come and sit with other highly sensitive men, men for whom they want to share these kinds of things when they come up in the week, then you can consider coming to the men's sanctuary, which starts tomorrow, Wednesday, October, whatever tomorrow is, um seventh, seventh.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, we just sit for four weeks together, a group of six men, and just explore, explore these, these emotional landscapes, as explore just what happens in daily life, interesting conversations come out of it.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's just good to be go into that depth that we so enjoy, probably.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you're like if you're like many of the men here enjoy those intuitive depths.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: So um I would love to welcome you.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, be well.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you have experienced this recently, then know that my heart, my heart is with you because it's it's intense.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's intense.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Wishing you many, many blessings.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Ligning off for today.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: XOXO, Kate.