Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Parenting Season #4 - Older Teen/Young Adult (Pt. 2) | Ep. 14

Transcript

Parenting Season #4 - Older Teen/Young Adult (Pt. 2) | Ep. 14 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:02
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:03
  Cheryl: Moms, We're back with the same four of us again today talking about the releasing years of late teens, early twenties, and
• 1:11
  Cheryl (2): then
• 1:11
  Cheryl: being in a relationship with our adult children, which is the only season of parenting that has no end because we want to stay in a relationship.
• 1:21
  Cheryl: And so let's go around, introduce yourself to our listeners how many kids you have and sort of what range they are.
• 1:30
  Cheryl: I'm
• 1:30
  Danae: Denise King and I have five kids and their ages, 20 to 28.
• 1:35
  Christie: And I am Kristy Gunckel.
• 1:36
  Christie: I have four daughters ages, 15 to 23,
• 1:41
  Ellen: and I'm Ellen ed slur.
• 1:42
  Ellen: And I have five children, uh, starting at the low end of 30, all the way up into the.
• 1:48
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 1:49
  Cheryl: So she's our senior citizen.
• 1:52
  Danae: Aren't you glad we didn't make you say all they're individually.
• 1:57
  Cheryl: It's probably can't remember.
• 2:00
  Cheryl: And of course I'm Cheryl Lang and I go from mid twenties to early forties.
• 2:05
  Cheryl: I love our conversations.
• 2:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:07
  Christie: I've been thinking a lot since we talked about identity last week and, you know, I had kind of a sad moment at the grocery store that showed me how much my identity is rooted in being a mom.
• 2:17
  Christie: I actually saw Denae and, uh, tried to pull myself together because I had just lost all emotion on the baking aisle.
• 2:25
  Christie: Realizing I spent 20 years, you know, grocery shopping for a big family and lots of, you know, kids falling off the car.
• 2:33
  Christie: And I was just there, you know, with the half empty card and it just felt so.
• 2:37
  Christie: Different than it used to and things are changing.
• 2:41
  Christie: Absolutely.
• 2:42
  Danae: Um, here's a little fun fact.
• 2:43
  Danae: A lot of times when I'm in Walmart, I take in my headphones.
• 2:47
  Danae: So I don't have to deal with all
• 2:49
  Christie: of those speeds.
• 2:50
  Christie: Marks turn on a good podcast or something.
• 2:53
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: Like the parenting yeah.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: speaking of identity, I can remember when Rebecca first was just a tiny baby.
• 3:05
  Cheryl: I don't think she was six weeks old.
• 3:09
  Cheryl: I know what it was.
• 3:10
  Cheryl: My sister was getting.
• 3:12
  Cheryl: And so it was a big deal, our first trip and she was six weeks old.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: And I remember seeing bill in the kitchen and there was everybody talking and doing stuff and he was holding wedding gifts and he was rocking them on a shot a little bit like with your newborn.
• 3:30
  Cheryl: And so our identity as a struggle and, but realistically for me, part of my problem and it is an identity problem, but it's, I take everything personally.
• 3:42
  Cheryl: How about y'all?
• 3:43
  Cheryl: Do you struggle with taking everything personally?
• 3:45
  Cheryl: I was
• 3:46
  Christie: sure I
• 3:47
  Danae: absolutely
• 3:47
  Ellen: that's right.
• 3:48
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:48
  Ellen: That's a really hard one because.
• 3:50
  Ellen: We invest so much in our, our loving, our children and everything.
• 3:56
  Ellen: And just because their children are young adults, they don't necessarily know what we need back.
• 4:02
  Ellen: They don't understand.
• 4:03
  Ellen: We'd like you to say thank you or say an encouraging thing because we're just moms.
• 4:09
  Danae: Yeah.
• 4:09
  Danae: But I think it's so hard when, where we're shifting from, you know, that, that role, that identity of that, you know, mom, mom, mom, and everyone needing something and asking us for things.
• 4:22
  Danae: And, and now we're left kind of more to ourselves and, and having to ask, like, who am I without the kids in tow Christie, like you were saying, or, or having to make all the plans are making all of the food.
• 4:36
  Danae: And there's just a lot of shift that goes on.
• 4:38
  Danae: And a lot of feelings about that, that come up.
• 4:41
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 4:41
  Ellen: I was thinking, um, this is one of the first Thanksgiving.
• 4:45
  Ellen: As with adult children and grandchildren, that it won't be at my house.
• 4:50
  Ellen: So my son wanted to host it.
• 4:52
  Ellen: And there was a little part of me that went, oh, that was my job.
• 4:56
  Ellen: And then the other point went, oh, yay.
• 4:59
  Ellen: And they haven't yet told me what I'm making, but then I kind of felt like, oh, am I getting all that?
• 5:04
  Ellen: I'm just bringing pies now I am.
• 5:08
  Ellen: I know I am.
• 5:09
  Ellen: But he was that kind of that moment where you went, oh, okay.
• 5:12
  Ellen: You know, it's sort of, don't take it personally.
• 5:15
  Ellen: This is part of moving on.
• 5:17
  Ellen: They're all old enough to have Thanksgiving and hosted in the holidays, but
• 5:22
  Cheryl: okay.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: What you're talking about here?
• 5:23
  Cheryl: Some, I did not know how much I would continue to grow and mature and develop as a person, because if anyone were going to just look at my life an issue I've has I took everything personally.
• 5:36
  Cheryl: And that was just, uh, there's some good things that come with that kind of.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: But I can remember when my children would lie to me, not a three-year-old, but like an eight or 10 year old.
• 5:46
  Cheryl: And they would lie to me.
• 5:48
  Cheryl: I couldn't even understand why would you lie?
• 5:50
  Cheryl: I never lie to you.
• 5:51
  Cheryl: And I like that.
• 5:52
  Cheryl: I took it personally.
• 5:53
  Cheryl: So I grew, and I didn't realize, like, in this season, this young adult season, how much I need to grow and not taking it personally because that's another wound.
• 6:06
  Cheryl: Oh, you didn't tell me, you know, last week you were talking about your daughter going to, uh, what might've been a very important doctor appointment and not asking you the struggle to not take that personally.
• 6:20
  Cheryl: And then I have to, oh, I didn't know I was going to have to keep growing and maturing.
• 6:25
  Danae: I think that's the key is for us to realize.
• 6:29
  Danae: That we are, who we are without being a mom.
• 6:33
  Danae: We love our role as a mom that the good, the hard, the bad, the ugly, but at the end of the day, that is not all that we are.
• 6:41
  Danae: So I think that's the key.
• 6:42
  Danae: So how do you not take things personally?
• 6:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:49
  Cheryl: And without being cynical, right.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: Say, well, who cares?
• 6:52
  Cheryl: Let it, you know, either with your children to stiff arm them or other people, a lot of people just walk away and that's not a healthy way.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: How I want to hear what you have to say, um, how to do it in a healthy way.
• 7:07
  Ellen: Well, I remember when I was young, Which wasn't that long ago,
• 7:12
  Cheryl: relatively
• 7:13
  Ellen: speaking.
• 7:13
  Ellen: Yes.
• 7:14
  Ellen: Where, where I would, if a child hurt my feelings, I would react in anger and not realize, oh, I have my feelings hurt.
• 7:23
  Ellen: And somehow in that process of that, whether a child said something to me like, mom, it was you're mad because you got your feelings hurt.
• 7:31
  Ellen: It kind of dawned on me and really changed my whole pattern of thinking because I realized, oh yes, I've spent my whole life getting mad when someone's hurt my feelings rather than go, oh, my feelings are hurt.
• 7:43
  Ellen: I can deal with my hurt feelings and move forward.
• 7:45
  Ellen: I don't have to lash out.
• 7:47
  Ellen: And so.
• 7:48
  Ellen: That was a hard thing to have to learn how to really deal with your emotions and go, oh, I'm not so tough that I don't get my feelings hurt because that was in my family of origin.
• 7:59
  Ellen: Getting your feelings hurt was a super big sign of weakness.
• 8:02
  Ellen: Nobody ever wanted to have their feelings hurt.
• 8:04
  Ellen: What are you
• 8:04
  Danae: a baby?
• 8:05
  Danae: Oh, wow.
• 8:06
  Danae: You know, I think when he said that I was thinking about how I'll get defensive and I've had my kids say, mom, you're getting defensive.
• 8:14
  Danae: First of all, I asked, we had a conversation about that.
• 8:16
  Danae: And I was like, when you tell me I'm getting defensive, I can't work.
• 8:20
  Danae: But, um, I've been learning that, getting defensive it's because I think I have something to defend.
• 8:25
  Danae: And a lot of times that will be maybe, um, you know, something that I think they should be doing a certain way, you know, or why aren't they following my advice and I'll take it personally, if they're not following my advice.
• 8:39
  Ellen: When they don't enjoy my absolutely brilliant ideas.
• 8:45
  Christie: Well, I think a big key is looking at it objectively.
• 8:48
  Christie: And like you were saying, Cheryl, we're still learning and maturing as adults, and that's not any different for them.
• 8:55
  Christie: Even though they're moving into adulthood, they are still people who are growing and maturing and that's their own journey that has nothing to do with us.
• 9:04
  Cheryl: And it, it really is.
• 9:07
  Cheryl: I'm so thankful because I've grown in this area, which helps me to be in healthier, better places with my kids, because the rest of the world might hurt my feelings.
• 9:16
  Cheryl: But it's nothing compared to, you know, your children, particularly in this fluctuating changing scene.
• 9:23
  Cheryl: And I thought it was so interesting.
• 9:25
  Cheryl: Ellen say.
• 9:26
  Cheryl: It's the same thing, but she responded in anger.
• 9:30
  Cheryl: You responded defensiveness and may withdraw and go.
• 9:33
  Cheryl: What's so bad about me that my child would treat me like this.
• 9:37
  Cheryl: This hurt my feelings, obviously like saying, you know, they lied to me.
• 9:42
  Cheryl: What kind of horrible person would have children that lied to them?
• 9:46
  Cheryl: I mean, unrealistic, but I will tell you something that helped me it to grow in.
• 9:52
  Cheryl: This is to understanding the why, like you said, you realized you're being triggered, having your children help you.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: Why am I triggered?
• 10:00
  Cheryl: And I'll just tell you, I recommend RW 360.
• 10:07
  Cheryl: It's a great online program.
• 10:09
  Cheryl: And you can take either the value space, one of the, or the faith-based one and it was excellent.
• 10:15
  Cheryl: Teaching to me about emotional health and interactions.
• 10:20
  Cheryl: And so recognizing, oh, this is me, this is not me.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: Or I'm triggered.
• 10:25
  Cheryl: And then walking through why I was triggered.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: I just sort of recommend it to any of you that haven't taken it or go check it out online.
• 10:33
  Danae: Yeah.
• 10:33
  Danae: So what I hear you saying, Cheryl, is that we need to be doing our own personal work
• 10:40
  Ellen: to get healthier.
• 10:40
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:41
  Ellen: And many times our kids don't even realize they're triggering us nor do they really care.
• 10:46
  Ellen: You know?
• 10:46
  Ellen: And if we mentioned it to them like, oh, well, sorry, I didn't mean it that way.
• 10:50
  Ellen: And they didn't, you know, You took it that way.
• 10:53
  Ellen: Right?
• 10:54
  Christie: Cause they're busy doing their own.
• 10:56
  Danae: Absolutely.
• 10:57
  Danae: I was going to say they, they are just, they're so busy and so overwhelmed with all the changes going on in their lives.
• 11:04
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 11:04
  Ellen: It was the point I was trying to make.
• 11:05
  Ellen: Yes, there they're consumed with themselves and we're thinking they should be thinking about dear old mom.
• 11:16
  Cheryl: here's my list.
• 11:18
  Cheryl: I have to say, particularly when they're younger, like at the end of teenage years and they're first years and they're 20 and some still a little bit, um, to take pot shots and make snarky comments.
• 11:32
  Cheryl: And I don't know exactly why.
• 11:36
  Cheryl: I don't know if they're coming from defensiveness or just trying to cert their independence, but I just had to leave.
• 11:44
  Cheryl: Not to be snarky back.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: So again, I had to be aware and then also not take it personally.
• 11:52
  Danae: Yeah.
• 11:53
  Danae: You know, they just like from when they were babies and they started really needing to be independent and be separate from us.
• 12:01
  Danae: I think, I wonder if part of that Cheryl is because, you know, they're trying to figure out who they are and trying to, they're trying to figure out their identity and this new relationship.
• 12:11
  Danae: And so they're, they're putting that out there just to kind of see what, what happens.
• 12:16
  Danae: So you're saying hurtful,
• 12:17
  Christie: it's not really anything different than what happened when they were toddlers.
• 12:20
  Christie: It's just a grownup version of it.
• 12:22
  Christie: I
• 12:22
  Danae: think you're right.
• 12:23
  Danae: Yeah.
• 12:23
  Danae: CHERYL SOMETHING TO ADD HERE
• 12:24
  Cheryl: And to be aware of that so that we aren't victims of.
• 12:29
  Cheryl: Expecting it to be something else.
• 12:31
  Ellen: And remember, we did the same thing.
• 12:33
  Ellen: When we were that age.
• 12:34
  Ellen: You didn't want your mom and dad following you from room to room telling you how to do this, how to breathe.
• 12:39
  Ellen: All of us got excited, we got a car, we got to drive and we kind of got to do stuff.
• 12:44
  Ellen: And our parents didn't always, it didn't have to be bad stuff, but it was just independent of them.
• 12:49
  Ellen: Right.
• 12:49
  Ellen: And that's a really precious time as an, as a growing adult.
• 12:54
  Christie: I had one of mine that when they were young, they would be just star angel children out in public and then we'd get home and they would just wail and throw the tantrum.
• 13:02
  Christie: And someone said it's because they feel safe with you.
• 13:05
  Christie: And I think it's still true in young adults.
• 13:08
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:09
  Danae: That's a good one.
• 13:09
  Danae: A bumper sticker that or something.
• 13:12
  Cheryl: Kind of like we're having to be mature and be self-aware all of this.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: I mean, this is the process that's helping me to get better and better at this.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: You know, you S the snarky comments.
• 13:26
  Cheryl: Uh, one of the things that this age that I've seen, particularly my younger ones, I think they're just trying to figure themselves out, but I have to be aware of that.
• 13:36
  Cheryl: For example, um, one of my.
• 13:41
  Cheryl: We're all having conversation.
• 13:43
  Cheryl: And she was in her early twenties and my did work and they did increasingly throughout their teen years allowed them to be more financially responsible.
• 13:56
  Cheryl: And uh, she said, yeah, I paid for everything since I was 12 years old, you just quit doing it.
• 14:04
  Cheryl: And I had to babysit and figure out how it's going to pay for everything.
• 14:08
  Cheryl: And my jaw just dropped to the ground.
• 14:10
  Cheryl: You're like, oh,
• 14:10
  Danae: did you pay for the air conditioning?
• 14:18
  Cheryl (2): That's the sort of thing to train myself, not to react to.
• 14:22
  Cheryl (2): And so that brings up a subject like money, money is an issue because the conversation was about money.
• 14:29
  Cheryl (2): And then that was what was said.
• 14:31
  Cheryl (2): So what about Chubb?
• 14:32
  Cheryl (2): Like how did you deal with.
• 14:34
  Cheryl (2): What were some things that you struggled with, or how did you do, you were
• 14:39
  Christie: telling us a really great idea of how you guys handled clothing allowances for your kids.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: When
• 14:44
  Ellen: our, when our kids were young, around 13, we gave them, uh, started to help them, uh, gain financial independence and learn how to handle their money.
• 14:52
  Ellen: By letting them purchase their own clothes.
• 14:55
  Ellen: We gave them the money in a lump sum, but they were in charge of going into the store, picking what they wanted and how they spend it was up to them.
• 15:02
  Ellen: So that kind of laid a foundation so that when they got into young adulthood, they were somewhat prepared for how to manage their finances and the independence that you need when you start to get a little older, rather than to have to keep coming home and saying, I'm out of money, I'm out of money.
• 15:20
  Ellen: And it becomes a money pit.
• 15:22
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 15:22
  Ellen: After, yes.
• 15:23
  Ellen: After a, while you become an ATM machine or giant money pit where they just look at you that way rather than realizing part of adulthood is financial independence.
• 15:34
  Danae: Yeah.
• 15:34
  Danae: Well, actually I was going to say, Okay.
• 15:37
  Danae: And I didn't do any of that.
• 15:38
  Danae: What do I do now?
• 15:40
  Danae: That's definitely one of the issues with this young adult age is I know, as, um, as a mom, I've struggled with that with knowing how much do I pay for things?
• 15:51
  Danae: How much do I expect them to pay?
• 15:53
  Danae: And I, I didn't really lay the groundwork like that.
• 15:57
  Danae: Um, so what do you guys think if, if someone hasn't laid a groundwork for a good system of teaching your children about how to be independent with.
• 16:07
  Ellen: Well, then I think it's a learning thing.
• 16:08
  Ellen: Anyways, you can lay the best foundation and they still have to go.
• 16:13
  Ellen: They're going to find out the hard way they're going to, you know, just do dumb things with their money.
• 16:17
  Ellen: Like we all did, you know, and make a purchase and then have to not have food in the house.
• 16:22
  Ellen: So they're over at your house asking for dinner.
• 16:24
  Ellen: So, you know, I think that's just the toleration we have to have as parents, as they're learning to do those things, they're not going to do them perfectly.
• 16:33
  Cheryl: I'm not going to do it perfectly as a month.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: Right.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: And so, uh, we mentioned it before, but a lot of, some of the struggles my kids had was the loss of bill.
• 16:43
  Cheryl: And so trying to be a single mom and we're still processing all of that to learn, to draw boundaries.
• 16:51
  Cheryl: And the wonderful thing is we can always sync through it start.
• 16:56
  Cheryl: And so if you've never liked Denae, if you'd never done it, we can always think of.
• 17:02
  Cheryl: Walked through it and then have a conversation with their kids and saying, okay, we're going to begin drawing some of these boundaries, you know, that you pay for this, but if you're living at home this or whatever your boundaries are, um, for example, we never went to my parents for money.
• 17:19
  Cheryl: Ellen, you had a good story about situation when y'all were early married and money, what was it?
• 17:26
  Cheryl: What was it with your parents?
• 17:27
  Cheryl: There was something, well, when we
• 17:29
  Ellen: first got married, um, Mike and I were in the car with my dad and he passed this property with a house and another house on it.
• 17:37
  Ellen: And he goes, I want to give that to you for your wedding gift.
• 17:40
  Ellen: And, uh, my mouth just dropped.
• 17:42
  Ellen: And when we got back to our apartment, I said, we are not taking a penny from my parents.
• 17:46
  Ellen: And they cause there'll be just too many.
• 17:49
  Ellen: They will own us.
• 17:50
  Ellen: Okay.
• 17:51
  Ellen: If we can get attached.
• 17:52
  Ellen: Yes.
• 17:53
  Ellen: But then I will remember, uh, well, my, one of my daughters was a teenager and I think one of my parents wanted to give us a check for something.
• 18:02
  Ellen: And because the way we kind of raised our kids, my one daughter just said, oh, I can hear the chains rattling on that check.
• 18:10
  Danae: You know, you know, I, as I'm thinking about it, I, I am thankful that I haven't had a lot of extra to give my kids.
• 18:17
  Danae: Cause you know, if we go out to dinner, they pay for their own.
• 18:21
  Danae: I mean, I, you know, I have, uh, three of my daughters living with me at home still for, for various reasons.
• 18:28
  Danae: Then we, maybe we can talk about another time, but, um, y'all, I'll pay for a lot of the food.
• 18:34
  Danae: That's at the house, the house, unless they want something specific.
• 18:37
  Danae: But if we go out, I'm buying my coffee, they're pulling out their money for theirs.
• 18:40
  Danae: And so I am thankful.
• 18:42
  Danae: That I didn't really have a choice about that helps them in their maturity and getting ready to be on their own.
• 18:48
  Danae: Um,
• 18:49
  Cheryl: and one of the ways I transition that is cash app.
• 18:53
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:53
  Cheryl: So I would just say, Hey, no problem.
• 18:57
  Cheryl: And whoever pays for it and it's usually me or somebody else might, and then we cash up to that person.
• 19:04
  Cheryl: So it's not awkward or, oh yeah.
• 19:08
  Cheryl: Oh, and you start nagging.
• 19:09
  Cheryl: Oh, remember you owe for your part and cash app just made it a financial transaction and took out any of the steam.
• 19:17
  Cheryl: What about you, Christie?
• 19:18
  Cheryl: Have you struggled or what's worked for you or not work for you?
• 19:22
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 19:22
  Christie: I think I've noticed kind of, like you said, Denae, I'm kind of glad that we've not been able to do a huge amount of extra because it probably kept me in some parameters where I would have maybe overindulged my kids and they actually.
• 19:36
  Christie: You know, around 16 or so they start getting jobs and they take on their phone payment and their insurance and kind of sets them up for, like you're saying Ellen, like releasing them into adulthood.
• 19:47
  Christie: But I think no matter when you start.
• 19:50
  Christie: Starting to release them into paying for their things by themselves.
• 19:54
  Christie: Just remembering that it's incremental and it might be clumsy on both ends at first.
• 19:59
  Christie: And then sometimes there's a time for sink or swim, you know?
• 20:03
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:03
  Christie: Sounds
• 20:03
  Danae: like we all need to be having a lot of conversations with our children about these issues and don't just spring it on them.
• 20:11
  Danae: Right.
• 20:11
  Cheryl: It's such a joy to sit here and process and talk about all this together, but our time is gone.
• 20:16
  Cheryl: So.
• 20:17
  Cheryl: You are coming back next weekend, right?
• 20:19
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:20
  Ellen: If you pay me
• 20:29
  Cheryl: I'll buy you a cup of coffee, but she'll
• 20:32
  Danae: ask you to cash out.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: okay.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: Moms, even in these releasing years, remember hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 20:44
  Cheryl: Yes, it is.