Latest / Rooted & Real With Keenan / Defensiveness: When Protecting Yourself Pushes Your Spouse Away
Transcript
- Keenan: Hey y'all, welcome back to Rooted and Real with Keenan. Of course, I'm Keenan. I am a therapist, but I'm not your therapist. I haven't said that in a while, but it's important. This is no substitute for therapy, obviously. But hopefully, the wisdom I pass along encourages some sort of conversation to where hopefully you do decide whether or not. You need to talk to a therapist. I'm a therapist. I know therapist. it's always worth it to talk to somebody. So let me know what y'all think. And we'll jump right into this. we've been talking about the four Gottman's four horsemen, or four horsemen of apocalypse, or four horsemen that kill relationships. you know, we're gonna keep going on this journey. the first one we talked about was criticism, which says you're the problem, and then contempt says, I'm better than you. And then today We're tackling horseman number three, which is defensiveness. And defensiveness can be a little tricky because, unlike contempt, defensiveness often doesn't feel cruel. It feels reasonable. And it feels like, well, I'm just explaining myself. I'm correcting what really happened, or I'm defending myself because you're blaming me. And sometimes your explanation may even be completely accurate. But there's a difference between explaining yourself and being unable to hear anything your spouse is saying because you are too busy protecting yourself. That is what we're talking about today. So, what is defensiveness? Defensiveness is usually a form of self-protection. Yeah. Someone brings you a concern, and instead of hearing your concern, you immediately explain, you deny, you justify, you minimize, blame. Or you just counterattack. It can sound like this. Well, I only did that because dot dot dot. I was going to do it, but da da da. That's not what happened. Or you do the exact the exact same thing. I wouldn't have reacted that way if you hadn't, and I can never do anything right with you. Or my personal favorite. Okay, but what about when you blank? Now we're off the erase, the races. The original issue disappears, and suddenly both people are building cases against the other. So defensiveness can make sense. And this is where I really want to be fair. Defensiveness usually has a reason. If somebody feels attacked, blamed, misunderstood, falsely accused, or ashamed, the natural impulse is protect ourselves. Your brain hears you made a mistake, but emotionally you may experience you're a failure. You're a bad husband, you're a terrible wife, you can't be trusted, you're not enough. And if that is what your brain hears, you are probably going to defend yourself. And that makes sense. But sometimes making sense does not necessarily make it helpful. The difference between explanation and defensiveness is very important. You're allowed to explain yourself. You're allowed to tell your side. You're allowed to disagree. You're allowed to correct inaccurate information. Taking responsibility does not mean Accepting blame for things you do not do, you did not do. The issue is when the explanation becomes a shield that keeps you from acknowledging your part, taking accountability. So imagine your spouse says something like this: Hey, I was frustrated when you came home late last night and didn't text me. And you respond, I told you work was crazy. My boss kept me there. It wasn't my fault. Everything you just said might actually be true. But you still miss the concern here. Your spouse wasn't necessarily saying you intentionally came home late last night. The concern was I didn't know what was happening and I felt forgotten. A less defensive response could be something like like, you're right, work ran late, but I could have sent you a text. I'm sorry I didn't do that. And then you can explain the rest. That one sentence changes everything. But the word but comes into mind. And this is something I really want you to listen to this week. Listen to how often the word but appears after every apology. I'm sorry, but I understand, but you're right, but the word but has a funny way of erasing everything that came before it. I'm sorry, I yelled, but you were really pushing me. Translation. I'm sorry, but actually this was your fault. I'm sorry I forgot. But you should have reminded me. Again, my mistake is somehow still your responsibility. Sometimes the healthier move is to just let the sentence in. I'm sorry I yelled. Period. You were right. I forgot. Period. I can understand why that hurt. Period. You do not always have to immediately attach a defense. So what happens underneath defensiveness? This is where CBT can help. A spouse says, You haven't really been present with me lately. That is an event. Then comes the automatic thought. They think I'm a bad husband. Or nothing I do is enough. Or she doesn't appreciate everything I do. Then comes the emotion. Shame. Anger. Fear. Frustration. And then Comes the defensive behavior. What do you mean I'm not present? I work all day for this family. Exclamation point. Now the spouse who originally wanted connection feels more disconnected. That creates a cycle. One person complains, the other gets defensive, the first person feels unheard and gets louder. The second person feels even more attacked and becomes even more defensive. Now neither person is actually talking about the original. Original problem. Common thinking patterns behind offensiveness are sometimes they can be cognitive distortions can show up here. Like mind reading. She thinks I'm useless. Did she actually say that? Or did she say she needed more help? All or nothing thinking. If I admit I did something wrong, that means I'm admitting the entire fight is my fault. No. Your responsibility. Does not have to be 100%. Personalization. Everything she says is an attack on me. Sometimes feedback really is just feedback. Emotional reasoning. I feel attacked, therefore, she must be attacking me. Your emotional experience matters, sure, but feelings are not always complete evidence of someone else's intent. The antidote is this take responsibility. The Gottman antidote to defensiveness is relatively simple. Take responsibility for your part. Not all of it, just your part. Maybe responsible for 50%, maybe 20%, maybe five. Take the five. Because when two people are committed to proving their zero resent responsible, nothing changes. Imagine saying, you're right, I could have handled that differently. Or I understand why that frustrated you. Or I did say I was going to take care of that, didn't I? I don't agree with everything you're saying, but I can see my part. You can disagree and still take responsibility. So what does the Bible say about responsibility? This is where Christian marriage gives us a much deeper challenge. Scripture repeatedly calls us towards humility, confession, repentance, and self examination. Jesus gives us this incredible vivid picture in Matthew seven. We become very skilled at noticing the speck in someone else's eye. Well Ignoring the plank and arm. Think about marriage. Think about this. How easy is it for you to identify your spouse's contribution to the argument? It's pretty easy. You can probably explain their mistakes in incredible detail. You know their tone, their words, the exact thing they said at 8 43 p.m. last night. But when the question becomes, what was my part? Suddenly our memory can get a little funny. Marriage requires self examination. One of the most mature questions you can ask yourself after conflict is this where was I wrong? Not how was my spouse wrong? You already know that problem. Where were you wrong? Where were you wrong? Did I raise my voice? Did I interrupt? Did I dismiss? Did I assume intent? Did I get sarcastic? Did I bring up something from six months ago? Did I refuse to listen? Did I say something because I knew it would hurt? Maybe your spouse contributed significantly to the conflict. That does not eliminate your responsibility for your own behavior. So confession is not a weakness. And I think this is especially important for Christian men. Sometimes we confess leaders, we confuse leadership with always having to be right. But biblical leadership is not, I never admit weakness. Biblical leadership includes humility. It includes confession. It includes repentance. It includes being able to say, I was wrong. A man cannot apologize. A man who cannot apologize is not strong. He is protecting something, usually pride, sometimes insecurity, sometimes shame. But strength is being secure enough to own what you did without collapsing into I'm terrible. Guilt versus shame. This distinction matters. Healthy guilt says this: I did something wrong. Shame says this. I am something wrong. If every mistake becomes a judgment about your identity, you will defend yourself constantly. Because admitting I forgot feels like admitting I'm a failure. Admitting I hurt you feels like I'm a terrible spouse. But those are not the same thing. You can be a loving spouse who handled something poorly. You can be a good parent who lost their temper. You can be committed Christian who acted selfishly. Taking responsibility for behavior does not require condemning your identity. In fact, grace should make this responsibility easier. Grace should make us more honest. Think about Christianity itself. The gospel is not built around pretend you never did anything wrong. It's built around recognizing that we fall short and grace meets us there. So Christian marriage should not become a place where we desperately defend the image that we are always right. Grace gives us room to say, I messed that up. I hurt you. I was selfish. I need to change because my entire worth does not depend on winning this argument. But they started it. Here's a phrase that shows up in couples counseling all the time in different ways. But they started it. And look, maybe they did. Maybe your spouse said something disrespectful first. That does not determine how you respond. You are responsible for your response. If somebody sins against you, scripture does not give you permission to sin back. If someone raises their voice, you still own your voice. If someone becomes sarcastic, you still own your words. If someone becomes defensive, you still own your behavior. Their behavior may explain your reaction, but it does not excuse it. So imagine a wife says something like you never spend time with us anymore. You're always working. Her husband responds with this Are you serious? Do you think I'm working for fun? Somebody has to pay the bills. Now we're escalating. But imagine he pauses. You're right. I've been working a lot. I felt pressure financially, but I can understand why you feel like you haven't had much of me lately. Notice what he did not say. You're right. I'm a terrible husband. He took responsibility without accepting an exaggerated identity statement. Then he could say, Can we talk more about what would help you feel more connected? Now the conversation has somewhere to go. So here's another one. Husband says, When you corrected me in front of the kids earlier, I felt embarrassed. The wife responds, Well, you were wrong. That may be true. But it doesn't answer the concern. A healthier response would be this. You're right. I should have talked to you privately instead of correcting you front of them. I'm sorry. Later, they can talk about what he was wrong about. But first, she owned her part, and that creates safety within a marriage. Responsibility does not mean accepting abuse. So this is an important distinction we need to make here. Taking responsibility does not Automatically agreeing with every accusation. It does not mean tolerating abuse. It does not mean assuming responsibility for another person's choices. It does not mean allowing someone to manipulate you with guilt. Healthy responsibility has boundaries. You can say, I'm willing to own how I spoke to you. I'm not willing to take responsibility for what you choose to do. Both can be true. So here's a challenge for men. Ask yourself, when your wife brings up a problem, do you immediately start explaining why she's wrong? Do you become an attorney? Do you start presenting evidence? Do you defend your intent instead of listening to her experience? Remember, intent and impact are not the same thing. You may not have intended to hurt her. She may still have been hurt. You can say, I didn't mean it that way, but I can see how it landed that way. And that's maturity. A challenge for women. Women, ask yourself this. When your husband brings something up that hurt him, do you immediately explain why your behavior was justified? Do you dismiss his concern because you were frustrated? Do you respond with, well, if you had blank, or I only did that because you blank? You can have legitimate grievance and still have handled it poorly. Both things can be true. So stop trying to win the case. This is one of the biggest traps in marriage. You start arguing like you're in court. Evidence, witnesses, dates, previous incidents, screenshots, quotes. Remember Christmas three years ago? And each person is trying to prove I'm innocent. You're guilty. Even if you win the argument, what did you win? A marriage is not strengthened because one person successfully proves that the other person is more wrong. The question is not who wins. The question is how do we repair the power of a good apology? A good apology does not have to be complicated. It can include what I did, how I affected you, responsibility without excuses, what I intend to do differently. For example, I'm so sorry I raised my voice earlier. That wasn't respectful. And I understand why you shut down. Next time, if I'm that frustrated, I need to take a break before continuing the conversation. That's way stronger than sorry you got upset. By the way, that's not really an apology. Sorry you feel that way usually means your feelings are unfortunate, but I did nothing wrong. Repentance means change. Biblically, repentance is more than saying sorry. It involves turning, changing direction. So if you apologize for the exact same behavior every week but never make any effort to change it, eventually the apology loses meaning. An apology without behavior change is a lie. Words matter, but consistent behavior builds trust. A strong marriage requires both. I'm sorry, and here's what I'm going to do differently. So this week try this. During your next disagreement, do not begin by identifying your spouse's responsibility. Identify your own first. What part of this belongs to me? Then say it out loud. Maybe you're right. I interrupted you, or I should have communicated sooner. Or my tone was disrespectful. Or I got defensive instead of listening. Or I can see why that hurt. And here's the hard part. Do not immediately follow it with butt. Let the responsibility stand. A phrase for you to practice. If you need something simple, practice this sentence. I can see my part in this. Then finish it. I can see my part in this. I should have texted. I can see my part in this. I shut down. I can see my part in this. I assumed the worst. I can see my part in this. I was disrespectful. That sentence can change the entire emotional tone of the conversation. One final thought. Criticism says, you're the problem. Contempt says, I'm better than you. Defensiveness says, this isn't my fault. But healthy marriage says, I'm willing to look at myself too. Christian marriage requires enough humility to examine our own hearts before we spend all our energy examining our spouses. You do not have to accept all the blame. You do not have to agree with everything your spouse says. But you do have to be willing to ask the question, where do I need to take responsibility? Because intimacy requires safety, and safety requires honesty. And honesty sometimes sounds like three of the hardest words in marriage. I was wrong. Next time we'll finish the four horseman series with the four horseman, stonewalling. What happens when conflict becomes so overwhelming that one person shuts down? withdraws, stops responding, or emotionally leaves the room, even when they're still sitting right there. We'll talk about emotional flooding, shutting down versus giving silent treatment, healthy timeouts, what scripture can teach us about listening, self-control, and returning to difficult conversations. Until next time, stay rooted, stay real, and remember, taking responsibility does not make you weaker. It helps make repair possible. If you're listening to this and you feel like you need to talk to somebody, talk to a therapist, talk to a counselor, I'm here. My information will be in the description below. Give me a call, shoot me an email. Hope you're from me soon. Thank you all.