Latest / Wedding Pros who are ready to grow - with Becca Pountney / Dealing with emotional wedding clients - with Leah Weinberg

Transcript

Dealing with emotional wedding clients - with Leah Weinberg · Wedding Pros who are ready to grow - with Becca Pountney

0:00
Leah: People will forget what you said.
0:01
People will forget what you did, but people will never
0:03
forget how you made them feel.
0:05
And when you think about it, the crux of the wedding industry is
0:09
how we as the vendor suppliers, wedding pros, make our clients feel.
0:17
Becca: I am Becca Pountney, wedding business marketing expert,
0:20
speaker and blogger, and you are listening to The Wedding Pros
0:23
who are Ready to Grow podcast.
0:25
I'm here to share with you actionable tips, strategies, and real life
0:28
examples to help you take your wedding business to the next level.
0:32
If you are an ambitious wedding business owner that wants to take your passion
0:36
and use it to build a profitable, sustainable business doing what you
0:39
love, then you're in the right place.
0:41
Let's get going with today's episode.
0:45
Today I'm chatting with Leah Weinberg.
0:47
After a decade as a wedding planner, she's now returned her roots as
0:50
a lawyer to assist her events colleagues with all things legal.
0:53
Leah has also written a book called The Wedding Rollercoaster to help navigate
0:57
couples through the emotional ups and downs of planning their wedding.
1:00
And as we know, there's a lot of them.
1:02
Leah, welcome to the podcast.
1:04
It's so fun to have you.
1:06
How are you doing?
1:07
Leah: I'm good.
1:08
Thanks so much for having me on today.
1:10
Becca: It is an absolute pleasure.
1:12
Now, my audience will be glad that today we are not talking all things
1:15
legal, although perhaps we should get you back to do that at another point.
1:19
But actually, we are gonna focus this episode today around your book
1:23
and the ups and downs of the wedding rollercoaster and our couples.
1:27
Now, people might be thinking, well, I'm not getting married,
1:29
so why is this relevant to me?
1:31
But we are gonna be looking at it from the supplier perspective.
1:35
So before we get into that a little bit more, I would love to start by
1:39
just finding out a little bit about your story, about how you ended up
1:42
writing this book and writing on this subject in the first place.
1:46
Leah: Yes.
1:47
So I started my career as a lawyer.
1:51
Eventually decided to leave that start my own business.
1:54
So I became a wedding planner.
1:55
My company was called Color Pop Events, and just very recently, at the beginning
2:00
of this year, I shut down my wedding company, have gone back to being a lawyer.
2:04
But during the pandemic I wrote a book.
2:08
So I call that my Pandemic Silver Lining.
2:12
It was a book that I, honestly, I'd had it in mind.
2:16
I'd been writing a little bit.
2:18
Since about 2017, cuz the whole book was inspired by like a single
2:22
conversation that I had with one of my clients in the summer of 2017
2:25
and gave me the idea for this book.
2:27
And so started putting pen to paper here and there, but it really wasn't until
2:31
2020 that I finally had the time and.
2:34
Space as many of us did to write the book, learn how to put a book together, and
2:40
self-publish and all of that good stuff.
2:42
And so it came out in April of 2021.
2:45
Becca: Wow.
2:45
I love a good news pandemic story and also I'm always very.
2:50
Proud of people that can actually sit down and write a whole book.
2:53
Because for me it's been on my list of things to do for
2:56
about the last five years.
2:57
But the thought of sitting down to write it and the amount of
2:59
time it takes, like it's so hard.
3:01
So well done for getting it done even in the middle of the pandemic.
3:05
Now, you taught there about how the inspiration for the book came
3:08
from a conversation back in 2017.
3:11
So can you dig into that a little bit?
3:13
Leah: Yes, yes.
3:13
I like to call this, it's not about the fried chicken story, so my.
3:18
Client and I, we were on the train home from a site visit from their venue
3:22
and it was the bride and we were, it was a pretty long train ride, so we
3:27
had a lot of time for conversation and we were talking just regular life
3:31
stuff, talking some wedding stuff.
3:32
And she shared with me that she was in the middle of a fight with her dad,
3:36
and normally the family's very close.
3:39
She and her dad and her parents talk on like a daily basis.
3:43
And so they were having this fight and they were not on speaking terms, and
3:46
they hadn't spoken for about a week.
3:49
And she starts getting pretty emotional as she's telling me this story, and I
3:52
can tell that she's just very, like, very upset by the fact that her dad is.
3:57
Has reacted this way.
3:59
So she tells me what happened.
4:00
So we're at the point in the planning process where
4:02
they're picking out their menu.
4:04
The venue has sent in, you know, those long lists of all the
4:07
amazing types of food that they can pick for, for their dinner.
4:10
And she and her fiance had had so much fun sitting down kind of.
4:14
Making their wish list of things, and she wanted to get her parents involved,
4:19
so she sent an email and said, here are the menu options for dinner.
4:24
I hope you have as much fun as we did looking through this, but one thing,
4:28
the fried chicken is non-negotiable.
4:30
And she said it, I mean sort of like she wanted fried chicken on the
4:34
dinner menu, but said it sort of jokingly and her dad responded with,
4:39
how dare you dictate to me what is going to be served at this wedding.
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I am the one paying for this wedding and I am not serving fried chicken to my guest.
4:51
And so, I think most people hearing that story would say, okay, that's a
4:55
overreaction on dad's part for sure.
4:59
But it occurred to me that there was more going on to the situation,
5:03
and so it's helpful to have the background information that my
5:06
client, the bride is one of two kids.
5:09
She's the only daughter and she's the youngest of the two siblings.
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So it sort of occurred to me in that moment, okay, I think
5:17
dad's having some feelings about his baby girl getting married.
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And the fried chicken happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, and
5:27
he took it out on the fried chicken.
5:28
But I like to say it wasn't really about the fried chicken.
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A lot of times people, if they aren't good at expressing their emotions
5:36
or don't know how, or don't have experience doing it, If you're feeling
5:41
sad or emotional about something, a lot of times that comes out as anger.
5:45
And so that's what was going on in this situation and that conversation made me
5:51
think back to all the sort of interesting, shall we call it, behavior that I have
5:56
seen from clients and their family and friends when people are getting married.
6:02
And so I decided to write this book.
6:05
It's essentially about like the psychology behind weddings.
6:09
And is a guide for couples to navigate the emotional side of wedding planning.
6:14
There's all these how-to books out there, but nobody really talks about the tough
6:18
conversations you have to have, the fights you might have with your parents, the
6:22
disagreements that might come up with your partner, having to fire a member of
6:26
your wedding party, that kind of stuff.
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And so that's.
6:30
That's how the book was born.
6:31
Becca: I love it.
6:31
I love that it's all about fried chicken.
6:33
I'm with her.
6:34
I would a hundred percent have fried chicken on my wedding day.
6:37
But actually it speaks into something so important and I think when we work
6:41
in the wedding industry, day in, day out, weddings become normal to us.
6:46
Right.
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We lose that spark because that's just work.
6:49
And we are at every wedding, and we all have those brides and grooms
6:52
that say, we're gonna have a wedding that's different to everyone else's.
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And then we go to it and it's exactly the same as everyone else's because
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we've done it a million times.
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And I think sometimes we forget the levels of stress.
7:04
And emotion as supplies that these couples are going through.
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So why do we think it is that, you know, when couples get engaged, they
7:11
suddenly just go crazy with this stuff.
7:14
Like what is it that's causing that stress and emotion?
7:17
Leah: If you think about it, a wedding is like the perfect storm
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of all of this, all of this stuff.
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So it's like past relationships.
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Like relationship and emotional baggage that the people
7:30
getting married might have.
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It's honestly the emotional baggage that family has as well, and like how they
7:37
view marriage, especially if there's parents or people that have separated
7:40
or divorced, that kind of thing.
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But it's also money, which is a huge stressor for people.
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This is probably the first time that these people in a lot of cases
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have been spending this much money, especially on a singular event.
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So that is stressful.
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It's family dynamics and family relationships.
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Just get magnified in terms of who's involved with the wedding planning,
8:05
whether people are being supportive, whether they're not, who's invited, who's
8:09
not, and just stress in general of it's.
8:12
It's kind of a second job for people to plan a wedding if especially if
8:17
they're not working with a planner, to help them through that process.
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And so it's just this like concentration of so many different things coming
8:25
together that makes it a really high stakes emotional time for the
8:30
people getting married and then the group surrounding them as well.
8:33
Becca: Yeah, and I'm sure people listening to this have had this experience when
8:37
they've worked with couples themselves, and there's probably some things
8:40
resonating with them where they've had couples saying things or family drama
8:44
going on right in front of them in a consultation or difficult conversation.
8:48
So we see it all of the time.
8:50
But why do you think then, because none of us are going through this, potentially,
8:54
we might not be planning our wedding at the moment, but why do you think us as
8:57
wedding pros should actually be paying attention to the behavior of our couples?
9:02
Is this important to do?
9:03
Should we be looking at this behavior and why do you think that's important?
9:07
Leah: Yeah, it's super important.
9:08
There's a quote that often gets attributed to Maya Angelou, but.
9:13
After reading about it, people think it wasn't, it's actually misattributed
9:16
to her, but it's that quote about, people will forget what you said.
9:19
People will forget what you did, but people will never
9:22
forget how you made them feel.
9:23
And when you think about it, the crux of the wedding industry is
9:27
how we as the vendors, suppliers, wedding pros make our clients feel.
9:34
And so in order to give the best experience, we really have to understand.
9:40
The client, we have to number, number one, understand and pay
9:43
attention to the client behavior.
9:44
But then we also have to understand just their experience because
9:48
as you said, this is our job.
9:50
We see this all the time.
9:52
Like nothing is, it's not new for us, but we have to take a step back and realize
9:57
that for our clients, it's very new.
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It's very exciting for them, even though we not may not be feeling that, and
10:04
so, We've gotta see, understand what they, what they're going through, and be
10:09
able to kind of take a look and observe their behavior in order to enhance
10:14
the experience that we're giving them.
10:15
Becca: So if we decide that this is important to us and we need to pay more
10:19
attention, are there practical things that we can be doing to help in these
10:24
situations when we are faced with them?
10:27
Because, You might think maybe we're just best to avoid it.
10:30
Maybe we're best to keep out of it.
10:32
Like practically, how does this look?
10:34
When we're working with couples,
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Leah: the first thing people have to do is have a little bit of self-awareness
10:40
and understand their own sort of emotional intelligence and how, and their
10:45
emotional style and how they operate.
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Like if you are the type of person who does not like big feelings, Within
10:52
your close relationships, much less big feelings with like work relationships,
10:57
then your approach with your couples is going to be very different than
11:01
somebody who feels like they're very well equipped to sort of navigate
11:04
difficult emotional situations.
11:06
So what I talk about here is everybody should approach this in their own way,
11:12
in a way that feels genuine to them.
11:15
But some practical things we can do.
11:17
A big thing honestly, is just becoming a better listener.
11:20
Make sure that you're practicing those active listening skills and focusing
11:24
and paying attention and not thinking of the next thing that you're gonna
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say in, in your head while you're having a conversation with somebody.
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And just be there for them and listen and really sort of take in
11:34
what they're trying to tell you.
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And then in terms of the next step, it, again, it depends on how
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comfortable you are with having these.
11:42
Sort of more emotional conversations with people.
11:45
But even just offering sort of surface level advice or directing them to
11:51
maybe other resources or somebody else that might be more helpful for them to
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talk to if they're coming to you and expressing some challenges or obstacles
12:00
that they're facing in the process.
12:02
It really just, just kind of being there and showing up and being present in
12:07
that moment for them, I think is going to be a huge first step for people.
12:11
Becca: Now, sometimes I think we.
12:13
Get the bad end of the stick as wedding pros.
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So we know that our couples might be going through difficult times
12:18
and sometimes the cases that they end up taking it out on us.
12:23
So they might send us a short email, they might complain about something totally
12:26
unnecessary, and it's easy for us to get defensive to start fighting back.
12:31
Like do you have any thoughts around how we absorb that emotion?
12:35
How we remember what's going on in the moment and how we best respond?
12:39
Leah: Yes, there's, I have a certain I actually have a process
12:44
for how to deal with this.
12:46
Becca: Love that.
12:48
Leah: I mean, the first, the first step is, and it really depends on the context,
12:52
but I like to talk about things like on the wedding day, on the wedding day.
12:56
Somebody might come up to you and not be happy about something
12:59
and they're gonna take it out on you and somebody yells at you.
13:02
And I feel like in a lot of, obviously there's the line of something turning
13:05
into like abuse and harassment and behavior that we need to shut down.
13:10
A lot of times it's just somebody coming up with like a snippy or snarky
13:13
tone and saying something, and it's like in that moment we kind of just
13:17
have to unfortunately be professional.
13:19
Take it, absorb it in that moment, and then, you know, once you have some
13:24
time and space kind of figure out, was this really, was this your fault?
13:29
Was it just them?
13:31
Sort of blowing off steam and there's this intellectual piece of like, okay,
13:37
let me take a look and analyze the situation and see what really happened
13:40
and like, is there something I should have done or do I need to apologize?
13:43
That kind of thing.
13:44
But then the third step honestly, is understanding how you're feeling in your.
13:48
Body about it because I've had plenty of situations where something went wrong.
13:55
The client complained to me about something and even though my brain
13:59
said I had nothing to do with this, there was honestly, I did everything
14:04
that I could to try to prevent it.
14:05
It was honestly another.
14:07
Supplier's fault.
14:09
And still I felt it in my like I sort of like felt that guilt I felt
14:14
in my body like, oh, I hate this.
14:15
I've let this person down.
14:17
And so there's this sort of like in the moment you have to just deal with it.
14:22
And then you sort of figure out with your brain what happened in the situation.
14:26
And then you also have to take the time to understand and like acknowledge what's
14:29
happening in your body and eventually try to, you know, you wanna let it go.
14:33
You wanna.
14:34
Pass through it, but you sort of just have to feel it for a little bit.
14:39
Becca: Yeah, and that's definitely something that I know people find
14:42
tough because again, as wedding business owners, wedding professionals,
14:45
we're so close to our businesses and we take everything so personally.
14:48
So yeah, just trying to take a step back is really helpful.
14:52
One thing I talk quite a lot to my clients about when they come to me,
14:55
because often they'll come to me when they're in a crisis, so someone's sent
14:58
an email or someone said something and they don't know how to respond to it.
15:01
And often I say to them and I dunno if you agree, whether this is a good thing
15:04
to say or not, is okay, let's take the emotion out of this for a moment and
15:08
let's remember we're business owners.
15:10
We don't need to say, your emails made me feel really sad.
15:13
Or we don't need to say like, I've done everything we can, but actually
15:16
we just need to say the facts.
15:18
Do you think that's a good approach to kind of sometimes just be like, here's
15:22
what happened, here's what we're gonna do, and kind of reset those boundaries?
15:25
Leah: I do, yeah.
15:27
I think it's keeping it factual and one of the things like in those types of
15:30
situations that I consciously stopped doing in my business was apologizing
15:35
for things that weren't my fault.
15:36
So when I would get emails like that, Normally, you know, my
15:40
initial reaction would be like, oh, I'm so sorry that this happened.
15:43
Like, let's try to figure out how to work with it or figure,
15:45
you know, work through it.
15:46
And eventually I got to the point where I was like, this
15:49
person is not just on principle.
15:51
This person's not getting an apology from me if it is not my fault.
15:55
And so I will go to the ends of the earth to help you get
15:58
whatever resolution you want.
16:00
But if what you're looking for is an apology from me for something
16:04
that wasn't, My responsibility.
16:07
That's no, that was no longer gonna happen.
16:09
Becca: Yeah.
16:09
I think that, again, that's something that people struggle with is they say
16:12
sorry for everything and they don't really realize that they're even doing it.
16:15
Sometimes I think it's subconscious that we just start with those kind
16:18
of sentences in our emails as well.
16:21
Now, you talked a little bit earlier about some of the common
16:23
struggles that clients may have, and I think one thing I've noticed.
16:28
The older I get is that we're so stuck in our own worldview, and so
16:31
when other people are going through things, we just assume everyone else
16:34
has the same kind of background as us, the same culture as us, that their
16:37
family situation is the same as us.
16:39
But obviously that's completely untrue.
16:42
And so I think sometimes we fail to recognize that other people
16:46
may have this stuff going on.
16:48
So I'd love it if you could share some examples or give some thoughts about the
16:52
kind of situations you've seen couples.
16:54
Go through in their wedding planning and how that's kind of manifested itself?
16:58
Leah: Yeah, I, there's a lot of different, I have a lot of different stories.
17:02
One of the stories that comes to mind of like the people from different backgrounds
17:07
and combining different cultures.
17:09
I had one.
17:10
Couple who, the bride was Jewish, the groom was Indian, and from the very
17:14
beginning our plan had always been, oh, we're gonna, we wanna craft a ceremony
17:18
that honors both of our different backgrounds, sort of acknowledges
17:22
the different religions, but neither of us are particularly religious.
17:25
So it wasn't important to have a very traditional.
17:28
Ceremony.
17:29
And so we, you know, we're moving along with that assumption.
17:32
And then one day I get a call from the bride and she's like, we have a problem.
17:36
And it turned out that the groom's mom, who's Indian, did not want the bride
17:42
wearing a white wedding gown during the ceremony when they were doing any of
17:45
the Indian traditions, because those white is the color of mourning in India.
17:51
So we were like, okay, maybe she just wears her, sorry for the ceremony, and
17:56
then changes afterwards for the reception.
17:59
But then her mom didn't love the idea of doing Jewish traditions while
18:03
she was wearing a Sari and not the wedding, not the white wedding gown.
18:07
And so we had to figure out what to do and we were brainstorming different
18:11
ideas of like, Do we maybe just completely separate the two occasions
18:16
and do you know the Jewish ceremony and reception on one weekend and maybe
18:22
a couple weeks later they handle.
18:25
The Indian ceremony and reception.
18:27
We thought about doing an outfit change during the ceremony.
18:31
So like doing part one, having a little intermission while everybody goes to
18:35
change, and then coming back for part two.
18:37
That ended up being not feasible just cuz it was gonna take a long time.
18:41
So for the outfit change to happen and where we eventually landed was they
18:46
decided to do the Indian ceremony in the morning, then they did a breakfast.
18:51
Had the Indian ceremony, did portraits with everybody in their Indian attire.
18:55
Then we had a break.
18:56
Everybody went back, changed full hair and makeup change.
19:00
Had the Jewish ceremony and then just the regular reception afterwards.
19:06
But it was really interesting because they didn't think this was gonna be a concern.
19:11
They were caught completely off guard by it.
19:12
And so one of the things I learned from that was to let my clients know,
19:16
Hey, if we are talking about different.
19:19
Cultural traditions or religious traditions, let's bring the family and
19:24
the stakeholders in for that discussion early because you might be surprised at
19:30
some of their very strong opinions, and we don't wanna get too far along in the
19:34
planning process and then have to sort of.
19:36
Problem solve.
19:37
We'd rather know that going in.
19:39
Becca: Yeah.
19:39
And I think sometimes couples either don't know those things are gonna
19:42
come up or Yeah, they're not very forthcoming with that information.
19:46
And again, maybe they're in their worldview so they think we
19:49
understand, even though it might be a totally different concept.
19:52
Do you think as wedding supplies, we should be.
19:54
Asking better questions or how do we, how do we navigate that without kind of prying
19:59
into situations, but whilst also making sure we're thinking about these things
20:04
and thinking about their situations?
20:06
Leah: Yeah, we do have to ask those questions and sometimes they can be
20:09
fairly personal questions, but giving context when asking the questions.
20:14
So I see a lot of times photographers in their questionnaires or on calls,
20:19
they'll a, they'll say something like, We need to know about family dynamics.
20:24
Are there any divorces that we need to know about?
20:26
Are there any people that don't get along and like, they'll say we understand
20:30
that that's a very, not intrusive, but sort of like, that's just kind of a
20:35
very private question, but they explain, you know, we need to know this in the
20:38
context of when we're doing portraits.
20:41
Are there people who we need to make sure we place them on
20:45
opposite sides of the photo or.
20:47
Do we wanna make sure we have separate photos so these people
20:50
aren't in the photo together?
20:52
Uh, especially for planners, that information is really helpful to know.
20:55
But I think as long as we are, we are explaining that we're asking
20:59
these questions in order to.
21:02
Provide a better service in order to make sure things go
21:05
more smoothly on the wedding day.
21:07
I think we can ask those questions in that correct context with that, with
21:11
that background provided to them.
21:13
Becca: So context is key because we're giving them the information about why
21:17
we're asking the questions, rather than just sounding like we're asking
21:21
everything about them for our own benefit,
21:24
Leah: right we don't want your, we don't want your family's dirty
21:26
laundry just to have good gossip.
21:28
We're actually asking it for a purpose.
21:31
Becca: Now, how do you think we help couples navigate more of the overwhelm
21:35
of the wedding planning process?
21:37
So it may be that they don't have these cultural differences,
21:39
they're sorted with the money.
21:41
You know, they haven't got any big life events going on, but just the pure
21:45
planning of a wedding and the amount of different contracts and people they
21:48
have to speak to and emails they have to reply to can become really overwhelming,
21:53
but we know that as a vendor, as a supplier, we have to get this information
21:57
and we need to get everything sorted.
21:59
So do you have any thoughts around how we just navigate that
22:03
when we're working with couples?
22:04
Leah: My big thing is to encourage couples to get organized and that
22:11
break the entire process down into more manageable pieces and steps.
22:17
And so as a planner, one of the very first documents I ever give my
22:21
clients is I create a checklist for them of all of their major to-dos.
22:25
The timing of everything.
22:26
It's tailored based upon their specific wedding.
22:29
And so it helps them say, okay, you know, if you look at the big picture, it's like
22:33
we have this hundred, we have a hundred things to do between now and the wedding,
22:37
but when you break it down and go, oh, this month it's coming up, we have like
22:41
five major things that we need to tackle.
22:43
And so that makes it feel a lot less overwhelming when you can
22:47
break it down into those steps.
22:49
And then, I mean, when I got married, I got married before I was in the
22:53
industry, and so as any good lawyer would, I bought books in order to
22:59
learn how to plan my wedding and sort of did that myself like I.
23:04
Bought books, took notes, essentially created my own checklist that I could
23:09
use to get organized and sort of understand what the process looks like.
23:13
But it's really important to break it down into those smaller steps, create
23:17
realistic timing for getting everything done, and then that's gonna help
23:22
clients feel a lot more comfortable with what they have, cuz it's not just
23:26
this huge, giant thing on the horizon.
23:29
Becca: Yeah, I think that's really key and being organized, but also setting out
23:32
those expectations and boundaries from the beginning with your couples and explaining
23:37
to them, you know, this is what's gonna happen, this is when it's gonna happen.
23:40
Then this is when we need it by.
23:42
And all those kind of good things as well.
23:44
Because again, we are doing this day in, day out.
23:46
They're not, and they don't necessarily.
23:49
Understand.
23:50
Leah: I was gonna say that's what we take for granted.
23:53
Like you said, we do this all the time and so we don't quite understand
23:57
just sort of sometimes the level of like handholding that they might need
24:01
in getting some of this stuff done.
24:03
Becca: Yeah, and sometimes they need a whole lot of handholding.
24:06
We know that for sure.
24:07
Now, one thing I wanted to ask you about as well is if you've got any stories or
24:12
examples of when something's come up.
24:14
Really unexpectedly.
24:16
So everything might be ticking along fine.
24:19
Everything's going well with communication, and then suddenly
24:23
the couple stops communicating with us or suddenly something huge
24:26
happens in their life, like an unexpected loss or a health diagnosis.
24:30
Do you have any examples of how this can impact the relationship
24:34
and how we should deal with those situations in a professional manner?
24:38
Leah: Yeah, it's.
24:39
Funny, not funny.
24:41
I, I end up with a lot of clients who end up with a lot of significant sort
24:45
of life events happening to them.
24:47
And at first I was like, why is the universe punishing me?
24:50
But then I reframed it and I was like, I think this is happening because I'm
24:54
equipped to help them in this situation.
24:56
Like, My level of emotional intelligence, I am the right person
24:59
to help them through these situations.
25:01
The biggest one that comes to mind was my clients and this, they were
25:05
getting married, honestly, right before everything shut down in 2020.
25:09
So it was fall of 2021, and I had been emailing them and asking, we
25:14
didn't have a ton going on, but I was just emailing to check in and I
25:17
hadn't heard from them in a while.
25:18
They had kind of gone radio silent, weren't responding to emails.
25:22
And one day I'm on a call and I see the groom calling at the same
25:26
time, and I couldn't hop off to take the call, but I got off the call.
25:31
I saw that he had left a voicemail and immediately I was like, okay, something's.
25:35
Something's wrong.
25:36
I feel like in the, this day and age, if somebody calls you, there's
25:40
usually something pretty important if you're not texting or emailing.
25:44
And so I was like, okay, let's, you know, gave him a call back and
25:47
he let me know that his fiance had been diagnosed with breast cancer.
25:52
And that was why they hadn't communicated in a while.
25:55
It was very new and obviously I was like, this is, you know, please don't
25:59
apologize for not getting back to me.
26:01
You have stuff that you need to deal with, and it was a very new diagnosis.
26:05
They hadn't really figured out treatment plans or prognosis or anything like that.
26:11
And so I said, you know, we don't have anything going on right now.
26:14
We are still far enough out from the wedding that we have time for you to
26:18
think and figure out what you wanna do, get more information on from the doctors
26:23
on her situation and all of that stuff.
26:25
So we kind of tabled things for three or four weeks, and then in December we
26:32
had a call reconvened, and they let me know that her prognosis was really good,
26:37
that the cancer was very treatable.
26:39
She was going to be starting chemo, but the doctor felt like her having
26:44
the wedding to look forward to was actually gonna be a really helpful
26:47
thing during her course of treatment.
26:49
And so they decided.
26:51
The wedding was still on, so we just, we kept moving forward and then
26:56
probably three or four weeks before the wedding, we were having their
26:59
final DJ meeting at their apartment.
27:01
And after the DJ left, I hung back just to go over a few things with them and
27:06
they said, we want to run an idea by you.
27:09
And I'm like, sure, go ahead.
27:11
You know?
27:12
What, let's, let's hear it.
27:13
And so the bride was explaining that she was at the point in her chemotherapy
27:18
process that she was starting to lose enough of her hair, that it was coming
27:22
up on the time to shave her head.
27:25
And she explained that this is a very, can be just sort of a very isolating,
27:29
lonely, sort of depressing moment for people going through chemotherapy.
27:33
And she said the only thing that would make me feel good about doing this
27:39
is if I could do it at the wedding.
27:41
With all of my friends and family there, and then the groom says,
27:45
and I am going to shave my head in solidarity at the wedding too.
27:49
I'm getting goosebumps just retelling this story cuz it's so beautiful.
27:54
And like I started getting emotional listening to this and
27:57
it was just really beautiful.
27:59
And so then, you know, we had this, okay, that was the new task.
28:04
I'd obviously never planned a head shaving as part of a wedding before.
28:09
So we started trying, talking about how to figure it out, like
28:11
where to time it within the day.
28:14
And she wanted some portraits with her natural hair.
28:17
So we decided to do the head shaving after cocktail hour, like
28:21
right before going into dinner.
28:23
And the first dance.
28:24
But it was, it ended up being like I had to coordinate with all of the
28:28
vendors and give them a heads up.
28:30
And in particular, it was important to me to make sure they knew what was going on
28:34
so that if anybody was gonna be triggered by it, or needed to not be present for
28:39
it, that they knew in advance what was happening and that they were welcome to
28:42
like, Step out, do what they needed to do.
28:46
And we were all, I mean the vendors, I was so proud of the team because
28:50
everybody just rose to that occasion.
28:53
Like you said earlier, sometimes people can respond with like, this is
28:56
not my job, this is getting way too, like I don't get paid enough for this.
29:00
Like I am stepping out.
29:02
But everybody really came together and rose to the occasion and what we thought
29:07
was going to be like really heavy and sad.
29:10
Was so joyful.
29:11
Like they picked they picked like upbeat music to do it.
29:15
Everybody was chanting her name.
29:18
They had different friends and family come in with the, the shears
29:22
to, to shave their heads and stuff.
29:24
And it was so beautiful.
29:27
And it's just an example of how like we can get caught off guard in our
29:33
jobs and at the end of the day, like.
29:36
It's about that experience that we give to these couples.
29:40
And also I'm forever grateful that, like they gave me that experience
29:43
too, cuz it was really a beautiful, beautiful thing to be a part of.
29:47
Becca: What an incredible story.
29:48
And I think what speaks to me in that as well is what a great relationship.
29:53
You had with them as a vendor, as a, as a planner, that they felt able
29:58
to trust you with this information, to trust you with this big event.
30:02
And it just makes me realize how important it is that we have these
30:06
conversations early on with people and that you reached out in a kind way
30:10
and you weren't saying, excuse me, why are you ignoring me all of this time?
30:13
You know?
30:14
And you, you'd had that relationship where they felt they could share you understood.
30:18
You took it forward and it came.
30:20
Like by the end with this incredible experience.
30:22
And like you said right at the beginning, it's those feelings that they will
30:25
remember and they will be thankful for.
30:28
And yet it could have been so different if you'd have communicated
30:31
in a different way because we can get into that space, can't we?
30:34
Where we think people are ignoring me, they must be being rude, they
30:36
must not wanna work with me anymore.
30:38
And we can be a little bit short to reply.
30:40
And I think it's a reminder to us to put those, have those thoughts
30:43
in the back of our head that actually there might be a really.
30:46
Good reason to reply that they haven't replied.
30:49
And the other thing that struck me as well, while you're telling that
30:52
story, and I think is a good lesson for people listening is, you know,
30:55
sometimes people book us a year, two years ahead of the wedding date.
30:59
And obviously if you're a planner, you're speaking to people regularly.
31:02
But if you're a florist or a cake maker, you know, you might not
31:05
be speaking to people regularly.
31:06
And actually, it's a reminder that we should be checking in with our
31:09
clients on a reasonably regular basis.
31:11
Leah: Yes, that is one of my big pet peeves.
31:13
And one of the things I try to talk about a lot is people need to form, create
31:20
these checkpoints, create touchpoints for connection and checking in.
31:24
Because as the planner I see all the time, my clients would book the
31:28
photographer, the dj, the florist.
31:30
And then sometime in the middle of the planning process, they're
31:33
like, oh, we haven't heard from this person since we booked them.
31:36
Is everything okay?
31:37
Is this normal?
31:38
And I would say, oh, it's totally normal.
31:40
You know, they don't kind of come back until later in the process.
31:43
But what if it didn't have to be that way?
31:45
What if you were checking in?
31:48
You know, even bit like, obviously people with very high volume, it's a
31:52
little bit difficult, but in that case, it's just sending an email even like.
31:56
An automated email six months out, like, Hey, we're six months out.
31:59
So excited.
32:00
Can't wait.
32:00
If you need anything, I'm here.
32:01
Let me know.
32:03
But like there's so many creative ways to create touchpoints, whether it's
32:07
just going out to lunch with somebody, I always say Florist, if you have somebody
32:12
who is really into flowers, take them on a visit to the flower market so
32:16
they can sort of see behind the scenes.
32:19
If you're a baker, have them in for an extra tasting and a cup
32:23
of coffee just to get to spend a little bit of time with them.
32:26
There's a lot of different creative ways that we can spend time with our
32:30
clients during the planning process, and I know that not a lot of people
32:35
are doing this, and so it's a way that could make you really stand out.
32:38
If you were to add that sort of to your workflow,
32:41
Becca: yeah, and I think having had this conversation with you,
32:44
that's a really important thing that people need to be doing.
32:46
I've heard stories before where people said to me, oh, I got in
32:50
touch to get my final deposit.
32:51
And they said they split up six months ago.
32:53
And I think, how did you not know?
32:54
You know, it's because they haven't spoken to them for for a year
32:57
and a half, and then they're in.
32:59
Too deep, but we could avoid some of these scenarios if we're having these
33:02
conversations on a semi-regular basis.
33:05
Now, before we wind this conversation up, I would love to do a little bit of
33:08
self-reflection if we can for people listening, because we've talked a
33:13
lot about the emotions of the couple and the emotions of the wedding day,
33:17
but we are all very different in the way that we handle our own emotions.
33:20
Two.
33:21
How do you think as wedding supplies, we can become more emotionally intelligent
33:26
and more in touch with how we deal with these situations ourselves?
33:30
Leah: It starts with being honest about where you're at right now.
33:35
I mean, there's no, there's no use in pre, like if there's no use in
33:39
pretending that you're very good at dealing with heavy emotional situations
33:43
if you are absolutely not good at dealing with heavy emotional situations.
33:48
So you need that self-awareness and you need that honesty from the beginning to
33:51
sort of self-assess and see where you are.
33:55
And if you're already emotionally intelligent, then you're probably
33:58
gonna be pretty equipped to have these conversations.
34:00
But if you're not, then you can start small.
34:03
You can start kind of practicing honestly with friends, leaning into conversations
34:09
like if a friend is going through a tough time, like maybe lean into that
34:13
situation a little bit more and see how you can be there for that person and
34:17
just sort of exercise that like emotional intelligence muscle a little bit.
34:22
But yeah, it's kind of, it's taking small steps.
34:25
And again, the important thing is being comfortable and being genuine
34:28
in how you're approaching things.
34:30
Because if you aren't comfortable, then that's just gonna make the person on the
34:34
receiving end not comfortable themselves.
34:36
And so, yeah, authenticity is key in this situation.
34:39
Becca: Great.
34:40
So if you're listening to this, I encourage you to, Think and self
34:42
reflect yourself about how you deal with these situations and how that impacts.
34:46
I know for myself, and I know some of the people I work with as well, we can be the
34:50
other end of the spectrum where we are.
34:52
So we get so overly emotionally invested that we then start taking on the
34:57
burdens of our clients and the other people in a way that becomes unhealthy.
35:02
Do you have any thoughts about how we can kind of do the opposite and
35:05
extract ourselves a little bit?
35:07
Leah: Yeah, you, it takes a conscious decision to sort of
35:11
say, I'm not taking this on.
35:13
I remember, it's interesting.
35:15
I'm a very, like, I'm a highly sensitive person.
35:18
I'm an empath.
35:19
Similarly, I, I take things very personally.
35:21
I like to take on other people's stuff.
35:22
And I remember I had a client who, the morning of the wedding, I found
35:27
out that the bride's dad, the night before at the rehearsal dinner,
35:32
told her that he was terminally ill.
35:35
And she was having, obviously there's a whole background of family dynamics
35:40
going on there as to how inappropriate it is to tell somebody that on the
35:43
night before their wedding, but we're gonna, we're gonna put that aside.
35:47
So obviously she was very upset and kind of having a, a tough morning and I sort
35:53
of started feeling in my body just like that sadness, that heaviness for her of
35:58
like how tough that must have been and.
36:02
I realized that I was doing it and I literally had a pep talk with myself of
36:06
saying like, I can't take this on for her.
36:09
I can help her through this day.
36:11
I can help, you know, navigate the things that are gonna come up and I'm gonna make
36:15
this day as great as possible for her.
36:17
But like I just had to stop myself and say, Nope, I can't
36:20
physically take this on.
36:21
Because like carrying that on top of the stress of like running a wedding
36:24
was just going to be too much.
36:26
And so in those situations, it sometimes does take that conscious decision.
36:31
To not to put up that boundary, to not take on people's emotions.
36:35
Meditation as cheesy maybe as that sounds like.
36:39
But it's good to help cuz it's helps you get in touch with like your body
36:43
and what you're feeling and allows you to sort of process and let things.
36:46
Go rather than keeping it all in.
36:49
Becca: Yeah, a hundred percent.
36:50
And sometimes I find that I need to put things in like a work box in my head.
36:54
So when I'm not in work mode and I'm with my family and I'm with other
36:57
things, why am I worrying about what these people are thinking?
37:01
And actually we kind of have to do that compartmentalizing that when
37:04
we're talking with them, we're dealing with their emotions and
37:07
we're helping them through it.
37:08
But actually when we're not talking with them, we kind of put
37:10
that in a box and and move on.
37:13
Does that resonate?
37:14
Yes.
37:15
Yeah.
37:15
Well, Leah, it's been so fun speaking to you and getting a little bit deep and
37:19
really thinking through these emotions.
37:21
Thank you so much for coming and sharing.
37:23
I'm gonna make sure that I put a link to your book in the show notes.
37:26
I think, I don't know if we can get it here in the uk.
37:28
Do you know whether we can get it?
37:29
You can.
37:30
Yep.
37:31
On Amazon.
37:31
Amazing.
37:32
So I'll put a link to Amazon for those of you in the uk, and perhaps it's
37:35
a good thing that people could buy for their couples as a welcome gift.
37:38
Is it useful for couples to read it?
37:40
Leah: Oh, yes.
37:41
Yeah.
37:41
I mean, it's useful, yeah.
37:42
It's written to like, it speaks directly to couples.
37:45
And then I've also been telling people it's obviously very helpful
37:48
for vendors to read, for all the reasons we've discussed today.
37:51
But yeah, I know quite a few planners that give it as like onboarding
37:54
gifts to all of their clients.
37:55
So it's.
37:56
Very, it's very helpful and honestly, if client, I feel like if clients
38:00
read it, it on it could help our relationship with them because they're
38:06
more aware and prepared for what they're going through and are able to
38:10
communicate that a little bit better.
38:12
Becca: Amazing.
38:12
Maybe we should make it a prerequisite to working with us.
38:15
So they have to have gone through this book first so
38:18
that they don't unload on us.
38:20
Absolutely.
38:21
Well, I'll make sure I link to that.
38:22
Leah, if people wanna find out more about what you do about the legal
38:26
things that you do as well, where's the best place for people to find you?
38:29
Leah: Absolutely.
38:30
So on Instagram, I am the Leah Weinberg and then websites.
38:34
My law firm is odu berg.com.
38:37
I also have a contract template shop, which is legally set.com.
38:42
Disclaimer, since I know your audience is very, is a lot of UK-based folks.
38:46
You know, it is not at all drafted in conforming with any kind of
38:50
international law, but it does have, we have a lot of event and wedding
38:54
pro contract templates on there.
38:56
So the.
38:57
Substance of it gets to a lot of the stuff that's unique to our businesses,
39:02
which might be helpful, but just the overall sort of structure and legality
39:06
of it is for is drafted by Americans.
39:10
Becca: Amazing.
39:11
Well, I will make sure that I link to everything in the show notes as always.
39:15
And Leah, maybe I'll have to get you back to talk all things legal at another point.
39:19
Definitely happy to.
39:21
Thank you so much for your time and I'll speak to you soon.
39:23
Leah: Thank you.