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Attached or Attracted | How Attachment Styles Show Up in Dating · Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast

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  Welcome back to another episode of Rise and Thrive by Doctor J
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  Nicole, where we are rising in faith and thriving in purpose.
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  I'm your host, Doctor J Nicole, and today we're talking about
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  something that explains so much about why dating feels the way
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  that it does for so many people. So if you've ever said, why do I
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  always like people who don't choose me, or why do I panic
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  when someone pulls away? And finally, why do I feel bored
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  with healthy people but obsessed with unavailable ones?
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  This episode is for you. Today we're talking about
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  attachment, not as labels, not as boxes, not as excuses for bad
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  behaviors, but for insight. Because once you understand
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  attachment, you stop personalizing behavior that was
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  never about you, and you stop confusing chemistry with
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  compatibility. So attachment helps answer the
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  question, why do I react the way that I do in relationships?
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  And the best part is that attachment is learned, and
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  what's learned can be healed. OK, so let's break this down
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  simply. Attachment refers to how we
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  learn to connect with people emotionally, especially when it
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  comes to closeness, safety, and trust.
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  And this starts early in life, right through our caregivers,
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  our family dynamics, whether there's consistency or lack of
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  consistency, as well as emotional availability or
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  absence. And those early lessons quietly
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  follow us into adulthood and they especially show up in
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  dating. OK, so there are 4 main
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  attachment styles. You don't have to memorize them,
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  just notice what resonates as I go through describing them.
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  OK and remember, this is not for labeling, this is for insight.
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  So secure attachment. Securely attached people are
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  generally comfortable with closeness and independence.
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  They communicate directly, they don't play games, they assume
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  they are worthy of love, they don't panic when someone needs
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  space, and they don't disappear when things get real.
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  So secure does not mean perfect. It means that they're more
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  regulated. They're more in touch with their
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  feelings because they are secure and they're attachment.
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  So then we have anxious attachment.
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  Anxious attachment is driven by a fear of loss.
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  So this could sound like, what if they stop liking me?
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  Why haven't they text me back? That's one that gets people
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  caught up all the time. Did I say too much that I do too
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  much? Those types of questions are
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  likely linked with a more anxious attachment style.
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  And you might see individuals with anxious attachment style,
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  they often engage in overthinking their
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  communications with others, they're seeking reassurance,
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  they stay longer than they should, and sometimes they can
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  confuse anxiety with attraction. OK, now avoid an attachment.
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  Avoid an attachment is driven by a fear of dependence avoidance.
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  People with avoiding attachment styles, they often value their
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  independence above all else. They might feel overwhelmed by
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  the emotional needs of others. You could see them pull away
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  when closeness starts to increase.
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  They are prone to minimizing their feelings and you might
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  hear them say things like, I just don't want anything serious
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  right now. Now granted, that's something
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  that could be said at any point, but a person that's avoidant and
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  their attachment, you'll you'll see that more common.
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  They really want connection, but they struggle with
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  vulnerability. OK.
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  And then finally we have disorganized attachment.
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  Disorganized attachment is a mix of the anxious and avoidant
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  attachment style patterns. OK, so this could show up as one
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  in closeness, but then pushing it away as soon as it gets too
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  close. Sometimes you can say they want
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  closeness on their terms, but they don't want sometimes the
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  responsibility. And This is why it can look like
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  intense beginnings and then confusing endings because you
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  don't know what happened, how you got there, right?
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  There's the push pull dynamic that happens.
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  And just think of this as somebody who they want to like,
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  really know you. They're very interested and
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  intrigued by you in the beginning.
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  But then once it starts to feel real, they back up.
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  So they're like, oh, come close, come, plus, oh, that's too
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  close. So they're going to push you
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  away just as things are getting good.
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  And it can be confusing to you, but also with this attachment
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  style, they fear real or perceived abandonment and
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  rejection. So that's why you see them kind
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  of pulled away. And unfortunately, with this
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  attachment style, chaos can kind of feel familiar, right?
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  Because remember, attachment is about the consistency or the
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  lack thereof within it, as well as the emotional availability
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  versus emotional absence. So then you have a person who
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  you know is going to exhibit and flow back and forth between the
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  anxious and then avoid it, OK? It doesn't mean that it because
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  if you have anything other than secure attachment that it's a
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  problem. It's not if that's just what
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  you've been exposed to and there's an opportunity for you
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  to make more conscious choices and decisions that lead to you
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  having healthier love. And a couple more things about
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  disorganized attachment. Really and truly with this
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  attachment style is one of the most complicated, obviously,
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  because it's between 2:00 attachment styles.
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  And so just know that you're not flawed.
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  There's nothing wrong with you as much as that you need to
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  understand that this is a strategy that your nervous
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  system has learned in order to survive and keep you safe,
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  especially in intimate relationships, right?
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  And survival strategies, they make sense until they start to
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  cost you healthy love. So now let's talk about how
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  attachment shows up in modern dating.
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  Because let's be honest, dating today, it's sometimes going to
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  add fuel to a or more insult to injury to an attachment wound,
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  right? So anxious attachment and
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  dating. This might look like the person
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  is checking their phone repeatedly, reading into
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  punctuation. Because remember, this is the
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  overthinking that's taking place here.
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  Feeling uneasy when the communication slows down,
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  staying in relationships because something feels better than
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  nothing. That's tough, right?
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  And the anxious nervous system is basically saying if I lose
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  connection, I lose safety. So if you feel that way, this is
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  an indicator that you are currently operating with more of
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  an attachment style that's anxious.
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  So it looks like it's so they cling, right?
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  And this is how they end up staying longer than what is
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  healthy. So avoid an attachment style and
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  dating. This looks like the hot and cold
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  behaviour they're being. They'll be emotionally present
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  and then they're they're distant right?
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  Then they're pulling away after intimacy has occurred and they
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  may feel overwhelmed when expectations arise, right?
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  Because remember, they don't really want that emotional low.
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  They don't want it heavy. They want the freedom to be able
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  to, you know, pop out when it's uncomfortable for them.
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  And so you, if you want to think about the nervous system of the
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  person with avoiding attachment, their system is saying if I get
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  too close, I lose myself. OK, so as a result of that,
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  you're going to see them withdraw.
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  And here's where things can get complicated.
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  Anxious and avoiding attachment often attract each other.
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  I'm going to breakdown. Why?
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  Because anxiety chases, right? And avoidance retreats.
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  So the cycle feels familiar so easily.
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  You have the pursuer retreater pattern, the avoiding is going
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  to move away and the anxious is going to follow or chase.
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  So this is where I want to offer a reframe that's very important.
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  Please understand that chemistry often feels familiar.
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  OK? It feels familiar, and safety
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  often feels calm. And calm can feel boring when
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  chaos is what you've known, right?
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  That sparked that excitement. Sometimes people are turned off
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  when things seem too easy, when really it's healthy and it's not
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  judgment. And we know that change starts
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  with awareness. So if you're tired of the same
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  outcomes that you've had, it might be time to do something
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  new. And it's not uncommon for many
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  people to mistake anxiety for passion because you feel it in
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  your stomach. Your body sometimes is telling
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  you this isn't it, this is unsafe.
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  But it feels like excitement. And for some people, the unknown
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  is exciting to them. The unpredictability is you're
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  mistaking that for excitement in the emotional highs and lows.
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  Those are mistaken for death, and real connection does not
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  keep you on edge. Healthy love doesn't activate
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  your nervous system, it soothes it.
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  OK, so healing attachment does not mean that you'll, you'll
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  never feel triggered again because I mean, we're human,
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  right? Like, and we, we experience a
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  lot of things, but it means that you'll respond differently when
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  you are triggered. So healing attachment looks like
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  pausing instead of chasing. So you might notice, OK, there's
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  been a change in the frequency or the pattern of communication.
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  Just wait, just wait. Like give his face.
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  Sometimes people need room. And when you were in the early
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  stages of dating, a person does not owe you anything.
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  And I think a lot of times people get wrapped up in the
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  newness, the excitement, right, which we can contribute to the
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  dopamine, the oxytocin, all these feel good chemicals that
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  are released in the body when we are meeting someone new.
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  And so you want more of it. And then sometimes people aren't
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  thinking, they're just feeling that going off the vibe, it
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  feels good. The next thing they know, they
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  might say, oh man, I've talked to them every day for X number
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  of weeks or whatever, or months, or I've been seeing them
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  regularly. I've been going on dates with
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  them at least 2 * a month. Oh my gosh, what is this?
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  So like people will start to think and so that that can lead
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  to folks, you know, kind of pulling away, not recognizing
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  their patterns, but and that fear, that fear can definitely
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  kick in. So we want to make sure that we
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  start to normalize a healthy relationship, right?
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  Like that is not boring and this will look like noticing your
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  urge before acting on it if you feel the need to withdraw or you
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  would feel the need to chase right?
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  Depending upon your attachment style.
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  And it's so very important to communicate your needs instead
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  of hints. It's very important to say what
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  you mean and start doing so in the beginning and letting people
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  know when you can do that without it being rejection.
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  There's ways to say what you don't like and what you prefer.
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  And if y'all are interested, we can do some episodes on like
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  healthy communication and like communicating boundaries and
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  things like that as well. It also means choosing
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  consistency over intensity because that intensity, y'all,
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  it feels good. This is why a lot of people are
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  subject to love bombing because it has a certain intensity.
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  You get the spikes, the dopamine, like those good
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  chemicals that I've been talking about, right?
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  Like that is what gives that good feeling.
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  And so people get caught with that.
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  But intensity is not enough enough alone and so healing,
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  like our healthy attachment and relationship and dating.
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  This means letting unfamiliar peace become your new normal.
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  And This is why it feels like a threat.
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  Because it's unfamiliar if you are used to chaos, or if you're
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  used to having to chase, if you're used to pulling away.
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  It does feel strange at first 'cause you know, those emotional
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  roller coasters, if those are the norm, you're familiar with
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  that, you know how to navigate that, and so you're learning to
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  navigate quiet. And so this can make people feel
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  like stability is weird, but quiet, it's not boring.
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  Quiet is actually safe, y'all. And faith also reminds us that
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  love is patient, love is kind. It's not confusing.
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  It does not, you know, induce anxiety.
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  Godly love does not require self abandonment.
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  OK. So as we head into February, the
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  month of love, I want to invite you again to deeper
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  conversations. I want you to send in your
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  letter, sending your questions, the patterns that you've
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  experienced, patterns you exhibit confusion, hope, all of
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  these things that you have. And so throughout the month of
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  February, I'll be reading and responding to listener letters
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  each episode that are about dating, relationships,
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  boundaries. We're talking attachment and
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  healing as well. We're not romanticize and
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  dysfunction this year, y'all, OK?
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  And we're not going to be excusing inconsistency.
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  And we're not calling chaos chemistry.
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  We're choosing healing. We're choosing healthy.
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  So those submission details, you can find them in the description
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  down below, but they could also be sent to
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  info@evolvewithdoctorjanenicole.com. I really do want to hear from
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  you. And as we enter into the month
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  of love, I want you to remember that you are worthy of love that
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  is safe, mutual, and consistent. Not a love that you have to
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  chase, not a love that you have to interpret, but a love that
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  keeps you calm and not anxious. Just love that meets you in
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  peace and brings you peace. So I'll see you next week.
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  Month of love is going to be full of things.
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  We're going to have some different folks coming on
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  talking about intimacy, talking about strategy, and being your
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  best human relationships. We're going to go deeper into
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  all those red flags and green flags and get some feedback from
• 16:33
  a different perspective. And we're also going to feature
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  love stories this month as well. So thank you so much for tuning
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  in and make sure you check out the merch
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  www.evolvadoctorjnicole.com, go to the podcast page, click shop
• 16:52
  the merch and everything is there for you.
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  If there are some items that you would love to see available in
• 16:58
  merch, let me know. Leave a comment if this episode
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  has benefited you and help you understand yourself more in
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  terms of attachment and how you show up.
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  Please make sure you leave some feedback, share it with someone
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  else who you think this would benefit.
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  Share with a partner, share with someone you're dating right?
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  And if you have more questions about attachment and
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  relationships, leave them down below.
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  I'm happy to provide more insight.
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  I hope you all have a wonderful week and I'm looking forward to
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  this month of love with everyone.
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  See you next week.