Latest / MESSmerized - Funny and faith based encouragement in marriage , family , Christian parenting , and finding purpose / Episode 138: Dating Advice We Wish Our Parents Had Given Us (Girl Mom vs. Boy Mom)

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Episode 138: Dating Advice We Wish Our Parents Had Given Us (Girl Mom vs. Boy Mom) · MESSmerized - Funny and faith based encouragement in marriage , family , Christian parenting , and finding purpose

0:06
[SPEAKER_01]: This is Cynthia Gannoff and you are listening to the mesmerized podcast.
0:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Hey friends, welcome to the podcast.
0:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Lads, you are here for Week 2 with Carey Compactors.
0:19
[SPEAKER_01]: If you miss last week, we talked about soft skills and our kids and why that's so important.
0:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And so be sure and go back and listen.
0:25
[SPEAKER_01]: If you missed it, and then this is Week 2, and we are talking about dating relationships and our kids.
0:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And I will definitely say for myself personally, this is an area where I felt and continue to feel totally and equipped.
0:37
[SPEAKER_01]: that's not even a word.
0:38
[SPEAKER_01]: It'll look what.
0:39
[SPEAKER_01]: There you go.
0:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I feel like it's one of those things that I don't I don't know.
0:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't see that many books on it or podcasts.
0:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it's out there and I somehow missed it, which would be on brand with my new book, right?
0:50
[SPEAKER_01]: But I think as we're walking our kids who didn't relationship, it's really hard.
0:53
[SPEAKER_01]: It's hard to know when to speak up, when to stay quiet, when to share what we know from our past and when to let them learn that.
0:59
[SPEAKER_01]: I think there's times where we love who they're dating and maybe that doesn't work the same way, work out for them in that way or there's times where we have concerns and our kids down and if you hear nothing else I would just say dating relationships and my kids has been something that has kept me praying hard.
1:16
[SPEAKER_01]: It's kept me on my knees because I think we all know if you've been married very long.
1:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I've been married 25 years now like you go into marriage not knowing much at all.
1:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm so grateful in my own marriage as the Lord went before me and he knew what I didn't know and he knew what I needed and he gave me a man It was fatal and loves the Lord and loves our children well and a slow to speak and as patient and kind and Absolutely Opposite of me in so many ways yet in the most fundamental meaningful ways where the same and where aligned and I'm so grateful because it's none of the things I was really focused on
1:53
[SPEAKER_01]: when I was 20, 21, 22, not thinking through the longevity of it all and so I think it's one of those things we pray of our kids but also we try to gain as much wisdom as we can along the way and that's what I hope today that Carrie and I can share with you she talks from the perspective of a girl mom and I have a girl obviously but also a son and so just talking through that from both perspectives and sharing
2:19
[SPEAKER_01]: the knowledge we've gained over the years, I hesitate to even say wisdom, but hopefully it will be helpful to you and I'm just glad you're here joining us and listening and so enjoy today's show of Care compactus.
2:31
[SPEAKER_01]: It's week two, the last week we'll have a pair of it.
2:34
[SPEAKER_01]: It's been super fun and so there we go.
2:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Take care compactus.
2:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Carey is so fun that we're sitting in the same room taping podcast.
2:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I love the, I don't know if you thought of this topic or I did, I'll give you credit, but I think it's great talking from the perspective of a girl mom versus a boy mom, although I have a girl, but on dating relationships.
3:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And so super fun that we get to do this.
3:04
[SPEAKER_01]: What dating advice, I was seeing out this in my own life, what dating advice did you get from your parents, like when you were at that age, and you were inched in boys and started going out.
3:14
[SPEAKER_03]: I really don't remember getting any.
3:16
[SPEAKER_03]: I don't need that.
3:17
[SPEAKER_03]: I think I just got to pick up my lessons the hard way, the old fashioned way, just through experience.
3:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I wish I had them.
3:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Me too, because I, yeah, I think the advice I got in dating came from my friends.
3:28
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, yeah.
3:29
[SPEAKER_03]: It was not salt.
3:29
[SPEAKER_03]: I think there was something you would just like pick up in a magazine, which isn't always the best advice.
3:33
[SPEAKER_03]: You know?
3:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
3:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
3:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yesterday, I was there for a flying hair, and there was a
3:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Probably 25 a year old couple.
3:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, they weren't married.
3:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I or they didn't have on rings.
3:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And he was talking so ugly to her and she was I guess she had told him to not talk so loud.
3:51
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, oh, you're being ridiculous.
3:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, you want me to be a chip.
3:54
[SPEAKER_01]: But now I can't just going on and she wasn't really saying much and it just kept going and going and I just wanted to look at her and be like
4:00
[SPEAKER_01]: run.
4:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
4:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Like us.
4:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I don't see the dollar married.
4:03
[SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't say that you are.
4:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And like you, you deserve better.
4:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And listen, it it will not get better if this is what it, you know, like that.
4:12
[SPEAKER_03]: That's what I always say.
4:12
[SPEAKER_03]: Like, it should be bliss before you get married.
4:15
[SPEAKER_03]: Right?
4:15
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, it should be, you should not be fighting like that.
4:18
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, did you or even start?
4:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Did you have, yeah.
4:20
[SPEAKER_03]: Did you have date any dating disasters like you can think of in high school or college like before you got married any that you look back on here like oh that didn't go well or I should have thought this story or I mean I can't say that I had disasters but I dated that's my girls and I laugh about because you know they're like you had so many dates mom but I'm like people dated back then like we all everybody wasn't a big deal there's so much pressure put on
4:43
[SPEAKER_03]: going up to dinner or going to coffee now.
4:45
[SPEAKER_03]: But I was like, the upside of that was I went out with a lot of different people, not necessarily long-term, but just a lot of different personalities.
4:52
[SPEAKER_03]: And that is how I knew what I liked and I didn't like.
4:55
[SPEAKER_03]: And so I will say for the most part, I was always attracted to good guts.
4:59
[SPEAKER_03]: Like I always liked the SGA, you know, at least like I always liked some of who was on a good track for the most part.
5:05
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
5:06
[SPEAKER_03]: But I had a few in there who were not so great for me.
5:09
[SPEAKER_03]: And not unique as to.
5:10
[SPEAKER_03]: right you know those are really the ones that i mean those are the ones that also like finally led me to hairy because i'm like he had he was the package when i met him i'm like i know that he is the right one for me like i knew exactly what i was looking for i knew what what i wanted and what i didn't want and so that was one one thing that they didn't help me decide
5:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and there's kind of a movement and maybe this is something I see it maybe it's more in Texas or people I follow on Instagram or I don't know, but it seems like there's this movement towards he should not go on a date with someone else.
5:37
[SPEAKER_01]: You know that their marriage material, like he does.
5:40
[SPEAKER_01]: This is a investigative work and that's a mom of a boy.
5:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I hear my daughter and her friends amazing Christian girls talk out this like, oh no, I've seen he's kind of a he's a player.
5:50
[SPEAKER_01]: He asked a lot of girls.
5:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't think you should go on a date with him or
5:52
[SPEAKER_01]: He's, you know, he's had a history where he used to drink a lot in high school and as a mom of boy, I listen to, I think, gosh, like, nobody's going to live with that.
6:02
[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to, like, yeah, I'm raising boys.
6:03
[SPEAKER_01]: We're trying our best over here, but they're boys.
6:05
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, gosh, right.
6:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And also, and I told,
6:08
[SPEAKER_01]: these girls one day they're asking me about it and this dating philosophy and I said listen one that's been a pretty high bar for all these boys to have it all put together but i said it also that comes from a lack of humility on the other side of it too like are you all that together
6:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, do you not have things that you could have done differently?
6:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I do think that there is a push towards this seriousness and dating.
6:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's got to be someone that you can marry.
6:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, I dated all kinds.
6:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And I guess I would say that's my dating disaster.
6:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I dated a guy in high school.
6:38
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just horrible to me.
6:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And he asked my best friend to prom.
6:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And we were still dating, Kerry.
6:43
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was awkward.
6:44
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, just all these things.
6:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And I wish I'm thinking through things that I wish somebody would have said to me like this is what to chase after and so I thought I'd list of the things that I wish somebody would have told me but also what I tell my my sons and my daughter, but these are the things and and lawy preface by saying Nobody can nobody has all of these things like
7:07
[SPEAKER_01]: intact.
7:08
[SPEAKER_01]: It's all going perfectly.
7:09
[SPEAKER_01]: If this person exists, Mary and tomorrow, right?
7:11
[SPEAKER_01]: But I'm just saying a person that's pursuing these things is a person worth you pursuing as well.
7:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And so what I wish somebody would have told me and what I hope my kids look for in dating is someone that is chasing after Jesus regularly like they just that that would be the most important thing that they have some sort of relationship that they're chasing after the Lord.
7:29
[SPEAKER_01]: And the second one I have is that they, especially for my sons, is their dating girls, that if they could find a girl who has a confidence, that comes from knowing her identity in Christ.
7:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And you can find that, you can figure that out with a girl, because and I'm one of these girls that's done this.
7:45
[SPEAKER_01]: I've had my confidence, right?
7:47
[SPEAKER_01]: My confidence has been in everything from my appearance to my accolades to
7:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, my, the car I drove in high school, like everything, but if you could find a girl that, um, that is that does not know that her parents have really instilled that in her, that, that your confidence comes from who's you are and not what you do and what you wear and what you look like.
8:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, yeah.
8:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, another one that, that last one that I wrote down, I mean, I could, there's a million, but it's just someone that's kind to everyone.
8:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I thought you can especially tell, I tell my sons, my older one, especially see how they are with people that can give them nothing, that aren't, that's a higher end of social status, that maybe wait the table, that they're sitting at, that you know, like how, what's that kind of look like with them?
8:34
[SPEAKER_01]: When you remember a hood of coffee that was on to today's show, and remember when she quit, she retired or went to do other things.
8:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Everyone talked about their favorite things, and Craig Melvin, one of the other hosts, he said, thing I love about her is there's a light that comes on the camera when you're on.
8:52
[SPEAKER_01]: but she's the same person when the light goes off that she is when the lights on.
8:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's what she wants.
8:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I talked to my kids about that.
8:58
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, what are they like when the light goes off?
9:00
[SPEAKER_01]: When, you know, not everybody's looking.
9:02
[SPEAKER_01]: When, you know, like, those are things to watch for.
9:04
[SPEAKER_01]: So I wish somebody would have told me those.
9:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you have things that come on?
9:08
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, and I want to add, I want to welcome with my daughter this morning.
9:10
[SPEAKER_03]: We were talking about this.
9:11
[SPEAKER_03]: And I was like, add this to a list of my head.
9:13
[SPEAKER_03]: Obviously, the things that I tell my daughters, but I'm like, if I had a son, just, you know, that's your, that was your age, that's in that,
9:20
[SPEAKER_03]: that age where you're potentially getting, you know, dating seriously and getting married.
9:23
[SPEAKER_03]: I was like one thing that I would really emphasize to him is look for a girl who's going to be a great mom.
9:28
[SPEAKER_03]: And these are things that you don't think about when you're that age, but I'm like it's really important because most of the time that the mom is the one who's with the child that the kid's the most.
9:36
[SPEAKER_03]: you know, I know situations where the mom wasn't healthy or she wasn't making good decisions and the husband's trying to do surgery and trying to work and yet in the back of his mom's always worried about whether his kids are safe or whether they're okay.
9:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
9:47
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, and I'm like, that's something a guy needs to think about.
9:50
[SPEAKER_03]: Like, can you go do your job and fulfill your calling?
9:53
[SPEAKER_03]: Like, your wife might be working too, but you've got to be able to trust that person.
9:56
[SPEAKER_03]: It works both ways, but especially,
9:58
[SPEAKER_03]: for a guy.
9:59
[SPEAKER_03]: And then also just to go back to what you said, I thought was so good about the girls and the high expectations, like, yes, we should have high expectations, but you got to be realistic, like you said.
10:08
[SPEAKER_03]: And something that we might have talked about this before, but it's so funny that, you know, when girls have had great dads, that sometimes they think that the boys they meet at 22 should be like their father, who's 50 years old.
10:21
[SPEAKER_03]: And one of my daughters told me one time, she's like, I just started crying the other day because I'm never going to meet a guy like my dad and I'm like, well, you're not going to meet him at 22 right I was like your dad, who he's now is he was awesome at 22, but he was not the same person he is now like he has grown a lot, you know, and you can't expect that.
10:38
[SPEAKER_03]: at your age and so you know they say don't date potential and I get that you don't want to date potential but you do want to the qualities might not be fully in place there but you do want to see that they're pursuing those things.
10:51
[SPEAKER_03]: And so an example of that is okay you know you want to guy who's going to be your spiritual leader you know but I had a friend that her cousin called or she's like I don't know she was dating a great guy like I just don't know if he's my spiritual leader and my friend turned to her husband and she was like hey Joe were you my spiritual leader when
11:06
[SPEAKER_03]: It's like, I don't think so.
11:07
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm leaving nobody in the room.
11:09
[SPEAKER_03]: I ended that role, but he was not there.
11:11
[SPEAKER_03]: It's so you got to kind of look at those.
11:12
[SPEAKER_03]: And this is the key as girls as we are so intuitive.
11:15
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think we can pick up on those things for better or for worse of what we think can translate well into the future.
11:20
[SPEAKER_03]: So, for example, like,
11:22
[SPEAKER_03]: Harry is really deep in his faith now, but he wasn't the steep in his faith at 22.
11:26
[SPEAKER_03]: He really didn't even get a church in college because he's Greek Orthodox and there wasn't one in Tuscaloosin.
11:30
[SPEAKER_03]: He was doing other things, but when we started dating, you know, he'd get a church with me and I'd get a church with him.
11:36
[SPEAKER_03]: And he was always so open to that.
11:37
[SPEAKER_03]: We did that every single Sunday.
11:39
[SPEAKER_03]: So that was a good sign.
11:40
[SPEAKER_03]: Also, remember seeing that my nephew was having a birthday party and they needed somebody to dress up with my...
11:48
[SPEAKER_03]: Brother-in-law and asked Harry if he would do it and he did it for these little kids and so I was just seeing that I'm oh, he's gonna be a good dad one day and then I remember my dad was running for office and so he helped us go campaigning one day And we kept losing Harry.
12:02
[SPEAKER_03]: We were like, where is Harry and it turned out he would be with these little old women that he'd go knock on their door and they'd invite him in for coffee and cookies and
12:09
[SPEAKER_03]: But just like he was so patient and so kind to them and that just gone back to just been kind of people who can do nothing for you.
12:15
[SPEAKER_03]: And that impressed me and I was like, I just like, he's just a good person.
12:20
[SPEAKER_03]: So I think those are the things that you can see early on that you're like, okay, this is somebody I can maybe build a life with.
12:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah.
12:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And I love that you're saying that about, um, don't expect the 50-year-old Harry to be the 20-year-old.
12:32
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and that is a high standard again as a mom of boys, and we know we've all heard it at Nauseenia there.
12:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Their forebrain isn't developed in all these things, but it's true.
12:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I, you know, emotionally, they run most the time.
12:43
[SPEAKER_01]: There's some old souls out there, but they run less mature.
12:45
[SPEAKER_01]: They, you know, they have a little more figuring out to do.
12:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I think about my as a mic, who's amazing.
12:51
[SPEAKER_01]: But when I started dating him, our first year of law school, he was a baby Christian.
12:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And I grew up like in the Baptist House of all Baptist houses like I knew my Bible.
13:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I had been in VBS since I was in diapers.
13:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And I mean, I, and I remember I started dating him and one of the things that I think I realized in him.
13:10
[SPEAKER_01]: He didn't know the Bible.
13:11
[SPEAKER_01]: He didn't come from to this day, he doesn't have any believers in his family.
13:13
[SPEAKER_01]: But one, he saw kids at FCA that lived differently, and he wanted to know why, and he went and he explored and he gave his life to Christ, and I was like, that takes his big high school slash college athlete, that took humility, and really a person that wanted to do things right and figure it out, and I loved out about him.
13:33
[SPEAKER_01]: But the first day he asked me on Kerry, he asked me if I, he said, he knew a bartender, and he could get me free drinks.
13:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, I'm not a drinker and that's not no shade on anyone else.
13:43
[SPEAKER_01]: That's fine, but I'm just on drinker.
13:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, part of me is like read the room, like know your audience for sure, but also as it's kind of like, and so I ended up going on day with a not for drinks, but I went on a couple of days with them and I remember at some point saying something to the effect of, I don't ever want alcohol in my house.
14:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And there's a lot of reasons behind that that aren't worth going into, but that was just important to me.
14:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, I just can't date someone seriously that,
14:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Drinks as much as you do, and it's that integral to what you do.
14:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And, and he didn't take another drink for probably a decade or two.
14:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.
14:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Like he's like, I don't care enough about it too.
14:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.
14:22
[SPEAKER_01]: He's like, I care more about a relationship, and if this is a deal breaker to you, it is not a deal breaker to me.
14:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And not the drinking is not the point.
14:28
[SPEAKER_01]: The point is someone that was willing to say that matters to you, and you matter to me, and so
14:34
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not, that's not a problem.
14:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's not a deal breaker.
14:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's not a deal breaker.
14:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I think those are the things that you know, you start looking for in these guys that you're dating them and yes.
14:43
[SPEAKER_03]: So the other thing I always go back to like the number one thing, actually the number one prayer that I pray from future sun and laws and even for the boys that my girls go out with or have dates with, I just pray as a God, pick out young men who have a heart like you.
14:58
[SPEAKER_03]: Think about David.
15:00
[SPEAKER_03]: And I'm like, you know what, that's all that matters.
15:02
[SPEAKER_03]: If they have a heart like God,
15:03
[SPEAKER_03]: Then they're good, you know like that is what that is my biggest prayer and I've been telling my girls like it's you want a guy who's going to put God first his family second and his career third.
15:15
[SPEAKER_03]: Now a lot of guys claim to do that but they don't but truly you want somebody you want them to put God before you and I remember growing up my dad would tell us that those were his priorities and
15:24
[SPEAKER_03]: I remember feeling like kind of insulted as a child like, wow, he put God before us, you know, obviously I understand it more now that, you know, even just thinking about, you know, you watch marriages over time, you see what happens after 20 years, 30 years and people that you maybe never thought would have made some really terrible choices, you know, sometimes do down the
15:43
[SPEAKER_03]: you got to think that you know every marriage goes through rough patches you can see where there might be if you're going through rough patch and there's some temptation there and somebody wants to stray or be unfaithful you know you got to think that if if if that person is devout if they truly care about the Lord
15:59
[SPEAKER_03]: then that's their last line of defense, you know, it might be, well, I'll do this to my wife, but what about to God, you know, like, that Memance like that you realize or, you know, say they're tempted to steal from their company or whatever, and they think they can get away with it You know, that's the last line of defense is like, I don't want this, you know, I don't want to send against God, you know, this I don't want this on my soul
16:20
[SPEAKER_03]: And that's why matter so much and you don't really know that when you're 22 or 25 years old, but if you're sharing a life with somebody, their judgment is going to become your judgment.
16:29
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, the consequences they face in their life, you're going to face as consequences too.
16:32
[SPEAKER_03]: So even hearing our, we're redoing our wheels right now.
16:36
[SPEAKER_03]: It's kind of weird at the age, we're like trying to figure out where we would have a burial plot.
16:40
[SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
16:40
[SPEAKER_03]: Charge has a cemetery.
16:42
[SPEAKER_03]: I think we're going to buy some six plots over here.
16:43
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm like, this is so weird.
16:44
[SPEAKER_03]: We're talking about this.
16:45
[SPEAKER_03]: I remember your parents talking about this when we were dating.
16:48
[SPEAKER_03]: But we're looking at that, we're redoing our wills, and we're signing all these documents.
16:54
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm like, this is what you need to be shown the 22 year old before they get caught married.
16:59
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think if this is what you need to be showing the 22 year olds before they get married as I'm sounding these documents about, you know, whether to take me off live support.
17:06
[SPEAKER_03]: And I truly can go sound all of this without thinking twice, like I totally trust his judgment.
17:11
[SPEAKER_03]: I don't question it for one second.
17:13
[SPEAKER_03]: I can't say I would be that with just anybody that's buried, but again, making good judge my calls.
17:18
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think that's equally true if you have a son, you want a woman who's going to make good judge my calls.
17:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
17:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And I like that as we're talking through these things, these are the conversations I think that we need to be having with our kids.
17:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm.
17:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it
17:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Whether the age where they're dating, especially if they're dating more seriously, you know, they're getting older and we're having less of a voice and all the things that they're doing and so being old instead of me saying like okay now listen, I want to make sure like don't
17:49
[SPEAKER_01]: But being able to have it so vague, like what does that mean?
17:52
[SPEAKER_03]: Like how do I do that?
17:53
[SPEAKER_03]: Because somebody can look like they're chasing jazzy and they're not wolf and sheep's clothing.
17:57
[SPEAKER_03]: Right.
17:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And so then having being able to talk through the way we've seen it in our marriages.
18:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And some of us, as we're listening, have had really hard marriages.
18:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe this isn't, you know, that's a harder spot to speak into it, but to be able to have examples, like just like when you're redoing our wills, like these are the things that come to mind and to really have
18:16
[SPEAKER_01]: thoughtful conversations without saying, look for x, y, and z, or I think even harder is when they are dating someone to be like, oh, I don't see x, where's it?
18:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, maybe nobody asked you.
18:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
18:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
18:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
18:28
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, that's why I think certainly don't know how they're going to develop, you know, I look at myself and I'm like, oh, you know, I was a much different person.
18:35
[SPEAKER_03]: I was 25 or 26.
18:36
[SPEAKER_03]: I thought I was pretty far along.
18:37
[SPEAKER_03]: Maybe for that age I was, but
18:39
[SPEAKER_03]: I definitely have evolved in grown since the end.
18:42
[SPEAKER_03]: I hope people weren't judging me, you know, like, judging my feature by what they saw at that age because I had a lot of growing up to do still.
18:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, nobody's be judged by there.
18:52
[SPEAKER_01]: I say it's all the time.
18:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Nobody needs be judged by this 16 year old self.
18:55
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
18:56
[SPEAKER_01]: A lot of them are churning from that.
18:58
[SPEAKER_03]: you know and say like back to your husband's example say you are really deep in your faith and that's important to you and that should be important to you okay well maybe you know if you see if you're dating somebody and you see that you're like I just see so much potential in him and he's kind of interested in going to church he's interested in the Bible but like encourage that in him and see what happens don't force it but like say you know what I feel like
19:19
[SPEAKER_03]: You're such a passionate person.
19:20
[SPEAKER_03]: If you ever felt that passion toward the Lord, you could be really incredible in ministry.
19:26
[SPEAKER_03]: Or just encourage that.
19:27
[SPEAKER_03]: And that's one strength that you think we have as women is that men don't always get that encouragement.
19:32
[SPEAKER_03]: That's one thing girls bring to the table.
19:33
[SPEAKER_03]: The boys, guys don't hype each other up like that.
19:37
[SPEAKER_03]: And if a guy, if a guy traits a girl well, she will respond and treat him like a million dollars.
19:43
[SPEAKER_03]: The right girl will.
19:44
[SPEAKER_03]: And you will get that encouragement.
19:47
[SPEAKER_03]: just that confidence that you need to do what God is calling you to do.
19:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah.
19:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Mike and I dated seven years.
19:53
[SPEAKER_01]: I recommend that to nobody.
19:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, part of that, we're in law school, some of that, and other things, but I will say this.
19:59
[SPEAKER_01]: It was one of those where I think over the years, I could see through examples like what I mentioned earlier, examples of like, he's going to be great.
20:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, he may not be there yet, but I had many years to watch so many scenarios play out.
20:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
20:13
[SPEAKER_01]: And had I judged it on one scenario?
20:16
[SPEAKER_01]: If I adjudged it just on maybe growing up in a Christian home, or knowledge of the Bible, or there were some misaligned values.
20:25
[SPEAKER_01]: But year after year, the more time we spent together, I realized like we were lining up better and he was so open.
20:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Like he just hadn't been raised the way I had.
20:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And that doesn't mean my way was perfect by any means.
20:37
[SPEAKER_01]: But in terms of biblical truth, and I do think there's something to,
20:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I felt pressured and I felt like people were like, I knew the minute I saw him, this was the one I couldn't live without him, or all these things, well, that may not be the story, and I, for all of our kids, and I wish I, I mean, I speak this of my kids, because I had a different situation, but being able to say, like, listen, sometimes it takes some time, some investigative work, and sometimes you date for a couple of years, and it's not the one, and that's okay.
21:07
[SPEAKER_03]: Right, right, don't stay with them just because you've invested two or three years.
21:10
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
21:11
[SPEAKER_03]: I also say too, and I'm sure you would say this for boys too, but listen to what their friends say about them.
21:17
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, like listen, like one thing I liked about Harry was his friends were always bragging on him or talking.
21:22
[SPEAKER_03]: And I remember one of his friends were like, oh, he's just such a good guy.
21:25
[SPEAKER_03]: Like, one time we're in Wendy's and this lady in front of us dropped a hundred bill and he's like, I'm looking at like, hmm, and Harry just automatically picks it up and gives it back to her.
21:34
[SPEAKER_03]: And so, you know, and I contrast that with another guy went out with that was not such a
21:39
[SPEAKER_03]: and it was so funny, we were in a party, I think it was our first date and we were in a party and we saw a friend of his who had seen the night before when I was on a date with a different guy.
21:47
[SPEAKER_03]: And this, this guy was friends with him too.
21:50
[SPEAKER_03]: And so he basically, and they're like, we're both like looking at each other and I'm like, don't say anything, but I mean, I wasn't dating anybody exclusively, but it was just funny.
21:58
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
21:59
[SPEAKER_03]: And when this, this guy who ended up not being a great influence for me,
22:03
[SPEAKER_03]: And when this guy who ended up not being a great influence on me, when he walked away, this friend who knew both the guys that I'd just been out with that weekend, he kind of whispered he's like, I like the other one better.
22:13
[SPEAKER_03]: And so it was just, I mean, I always went back to that.
22:16
[SPEAKER_03]: That was our first day, but I think he was trying to warn me.
22:18
[SPEAKER_03]: And this was somebody that my date had called his friend.
22:22
[SPEAKER_03]: And so, I'm like, those are a little things.
22:24
[SPEAKER_03]: You got to pay attention to.
22:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
22:25
[SPEAKER_03]: And sometimes those girls, we ignore them because we like the person, or we only want to focus on their good qualities, but everybody's going to have good qualities.
22:33
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, everybody's going to have some redeeming factors.
22:35
[SPEAKER_03]: And so, you've got to really, when it comes to mayor, you've got to trust your gut and, you know, look at those red flags.
22:42
[SPEAKER_03]: And like I said, seal people respond to that person.
22:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
22:45
[SPEAKER_03]: Do they, are they respected?
22:46
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, I have to people look up to them to people trust them.
22:49
[SPEAKER_03]: What do their friends say about them?
22:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I had heard one time that someone had said, for girls, look at how the boy treats his mom.
22:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's true.
23:00
[SPEAKER_01]: How does he treat the mom?
23:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And I would say as a boy mom, I would say with a girl, look at how she talks to her mom.
23:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Because and we all have sassy grumpy moments, but I think by and large if you can see a lot by the trend of how girls speaks to her mother.
23:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
23:15
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that so I think that was probably wise advice that I heard, you know, watch how a boy treats his mom.
23:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's true.
23:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
23:22
[SPEAKER_01]: How does he treat his mom as he holds doors as he, you know, is he, yes.
23:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Kind of respectful and shiver us and the things, some of those things.
23:29
[SPEAKER_01]: But I think with girls, I would, I would tell my son, I'm like, how does she interact with her mom?
23:34
[SPEAKER_03]: How does she interact when she gets a no with her parents like how does something play out like these are just things right to keep it on now Well she grow up absolutely does that definitely definitively mean that you know if she's hideous at 17 that she's gonna be hideous No, but I think it's a great point and it goes with something that I tell girls like an even mom's because I think sometimes as moms Especially the teenage years to keep that relationship with our daughters sometimes we can take more than we should or just excuse it Like well she's on her period or
24:04
[SPEAKER_03]: She's having a bad day or she's going through a rough patch and Matt even had my hard mark girl say sometimes like oh my word like this girl is so mean to her mom like it's interesting they can be mean to you but they don't really see it until they see somebody else doing it to their mom yeah and so you know luckily I always grew up with a dad who wouldn't let us talk to my mom that way like he always interrupted don't talk to your mother that way and Harry will do that when he's around but he wasn't always around and so sometimes when
24:34
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think it's really important for us as moms to teach our daughters that because, you know, it's like, you know, one day it's not going to be me, you're coming home to you and taking your anger out on it.
24:42
[SPEAKER_03]: It's going to be your husband, it's going to be your roommate, and you are going to run your relationships if you don't learn to control your emotions and not take it out on other people.
24:50
[SPEAKER_03]: So that, that, you know, that just kind of gives extra affirmation to that, like not only that, but you know, your future, you might lose the best boy you've ever met, if he's noticing how, how mean you are your mom.
25:01
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, yeah, that's the only reason to do it, but you know, it's going to impact the way people see you and it's helping our children long term by teaching them, like, you know, don't talk that way to anybody, especially your mother.
25:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's, that's really good.
25:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, red flags, and I'm really hesitant to even put red flags because again, people grow, they mature like, but if you were going to give red flags to your girls, um, things that, um,
25:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And by the way, do it vaguely, like just generally speaking, not when they're dating someone be like, ooh, that's a red flag, that's, I mean, that's then that becomes kind of judgment on condemnation.
25:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Versus just having conversations in the abstract about, hey, these were red flags for me, things that, and these are things, man, I would hope, I just don't want for you, and so one of the ones I put down for a mom of boys is,
25:52
[SPEAKER_01]: entitlement.
25:54
[SPEAKER_01]: If he's dating a girl that there's a sense of entitlement, um, just to amount of time he spends with her or the amount of money he spends on a date or a gift or Those things and there's you can see it maybe in the her relationship with her parents and it's her gratitude.
26:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, it's hard.
26:09
[SPEAKER_01]: I was telling my friends last night that with our daughter we worked really hard.
26:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I want it.
26:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I want her to be able to marry whoever God wants her to marry and I don't want her to get so accustomed to the lifestyle that we might be able to give her as 50 year old parents that she wants to marry.
26:25
[SPEAKER_01]: someone in the military or she wants a very youth minister or someone that she couldn't do that.
26:29
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we've tried to always kind of hold back and save some not give her everything that maybe we could because we want her one to be able to marry whoever she can.
26:36
[SPEAKER_01]: But also we want a guy to be able to give her things someday that we hadn't already given her.
26:41
[SPEAKER_03]: That's good.
26:41
[SPEAKER_01]: The most fabulous story or the greatest vacation in the world or the brand new car or like we're like we gotta we want to leave space in that.
26:49
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
26:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And so um but the entitlement thing if I had a red
26:56
[SPEAKER_01]: What about you?
26:56
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I agree with that.
26:59
[SPEAKER_03]: And I'm hearing about a lot of young couples getting divorced because of financial issues.
27:04
[SPEAKER_03]: And a lot of time, it's the girl has no concept of money.
27:07
[SPEAKER_03]: And she's treating her husband's income, what her daddy's income.
27:10
[SPEAKER_04]: Right.
27:10
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think this is the fallout of living in an affluent age where girls have been spoiled and are accustomed to things that are not normal for a 22 year old or a 25 year old.
27:19
[SPEAKER_03]: And so I'm always aware of that too, when I'm raising my girls, or I'm putting them on a budget.
27:22
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm doing your future husband a service, and I want you to realize the value of money, and I'm going to make you help pay for this so that you realize how hard you have to work to go pay for this shirt or these shoes or whatever it is.
27:34
[SPEAKER_03]: But I agree, and you're really, you want them to have financial adviser told my friend this, I loved that he's like, you know, you want your daughter to be able
27:43
[SPEAKER_03]: to be happy whether she is on the arm of a pastor or CEO.
27:48
[SPEAKER_03]: And so his advice is like give her high experiences, but give her low experiences too.
27:52
[SPEAKER_03]: Like maybe take a nice vacation, but go camping too.
27:54
[SPEAKER_03]: Like help her develop that spirit of contentment, whether she has a lot or whether she is a little, she can be happy.
28:00
[SPEAKER_03]: And if I had a son, I would definitely be emphasizing that because I think that a lot of girls in this day and age are they're going to have a rude awakening when they get married.
28:09
[SPEAKER_03]: And I'm hearing about the issues it's causing in marriages.
28:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and let me add one thing on that, too, is I hear a lot of girls my daughter's friends saying, like, well, talking up majors and colleges, I don't care.
28:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I'm just going to stay home.
28:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I just want to be a mom.
28:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's great and noble and amazing.
28:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm so grateful that there are years and there that I was able to stay home and just be mom.
28:28
[SPEAKER_01]: But,
28:29
[SPEAKER_01]: As a boy mom, you can't assume that that's going to be available like that's right.
28:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, in a perfect world, if that's what you want, that's great.
28:36
[SPEAKER_01]: And I believe the Lord will honor so many of these great things we pray over.
28:40
[SPEAKER_01]: But at the same time, there's realities financially.
28:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
28:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And especially if you want to live a certain lifestyle, you may, you may need to work and help your husband out.
28:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And I just feel this pressure for these boys.
28:52
[SPEAKER_01]: of like they want to have these great lifestyles on all the great things and you somehow have to have a job that does all that Ambigrate has been ambia great dad right like who can handle them?
29:02
[SPEAKER_01]: They're crushing on those crushing pressures and so well now I was just listening to a day ramsey cup
29:09
[SPEAKER_03]: And I was just listening to Dave Ramsey podcast where he was talking about suicides and he's like among males, it's almost always financially related.
29:16
[SPEAKER_03]: And I'm like, that makes me so sad.
29:18
[SPEAKER_03]: And I can see it, especially when you live in an age like this where so many people are living in a fluent areas and the dads are feeling that pressure to keep up and they don't really anybody to talk about their struggles or their fears with.
29:28
[SPEAKER_03]: They're working so hard, but yet it never feels like enough to support their family and the lifestyle that maybe they're wife and the kids are wanting.
29:35
[SPEAKER_03]: And so, you know, as wives and women, we want to take that pressure off as much as we can, you know, to be there and know that that's not what it's all about.
29:43
[SPEAKER_03]: Obviously, you want to somebody that's financially secure, but like you said, I mean, I'm raising my daughters.
29:48
[SPEAKER_03]: We're like, you know, my friends, and I talk about this, the day of the state,
29:54
[SPEAKER_03]: you know, when you're here in a society where they're talking about 50 year mortgages, you know, these kids get to even afford a house and kids, it's expensive and say, I also think too, like you don't know what's going to happen to your husband, like your husband might have a friends who've lost husbands through accidents or divorce and you might have to go back to work and say you just always need to have that in the back of your mind and
30:15
[SPEAKER_03]: always want to quit my kids to have that ability that if they need to support their family or they need to go back to work, they're able to do it.
30:20
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, that's good.
30:22
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, and as far as red flags on my end, you know, I read an article on narcissists and you know, my biggest thing is just especially when someone comes on too strong, when they love them, you know, when they're really,
30:34
[SPEAKER_03]: what's a love bomb love bomb is like come on like can't get enough of you like you go one day and all of a sudden they're calling you every single day and they're sending you all these gifts and they seem like mr. dreamboat and i'm like that always rises red flag you know boys really not always like you know like that's not normal but that's what a narcissist will do because they will just sweep you off your feet
30:55
[SPEAKER_03]: And especially for a girl who has not had a lot of experience dating, she can really fall for that.
31:00
[SPEAKER_03]: Because you think, oh, he is checking all the boxes.
31:03
[SPEAKER_03]: A lot of guys too.
31:04
[SPEAKER_03]: They know how to mirror.
31:05
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, I have a friend.
31:06
[SPEAKER_03]: She's like, he knew how to mirror me.
31:07
[SPEAKER_03]: I said, I wanted to live in Maine one day.
31:09
[SPEAKER_03]: He said, I do too.
31:10
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, it's like everything.
31:11
[SPEAKER_03]: she said and so she's saying and he's this perfect guy when really he's kind of a wolf and she's clothing.
31:17
[SPEAKER_03]: So again with girls I just think that we have gut instincts and my biggest advice is like pay attention to your gut, you know like the right people in the right guy especially if you've got your spirit in you the right people are going to give you a sense of peace you know and then the right the wrong person you're just going to have this feeling like something's not right and it might not be there every day but it's going to
31:40
[SPEAKER_03]: I like him, he seems nice, but something just doesn't seem right.
31:44
[SPEAKER_03]: And when I did that article on narcissists, it was very interesting.
31:48
[SPEAKER_03]: I put something on Instagram and I had people emailing me.
31:51
[SPEAKER_03]: I just put it on a story like, hey, looking for stories, if anybody knows this has something on this topic.
31:56
[SPEAKER_03]: I had people emailing me that don't even follow me, that their friends had told them about the story.
32:00
[SPEAKER_03]: It was crazy.
32:01
[SPEAKER_03]: I had like 13,000 stories.
32:03
[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, 13,000 words to work with.
32:04
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm like, this is going to take me weeks, but it was so crazy because everything fell into like 10 categories.
32:10
[SPEAKER_03]: It's like everybody's story was the same.
32:13
[SPEAKER_03]: Some had married, some were just dating, but they were all like, if I can share this to help the girls behind me, I will.
32:18
[SPEAKER_03]: but every single one of them what they said was that I had kind of a gut feeling at the beginning that something was off, but I ignored it.
32:27
[SPEAKER_03]: So I just think with red flags, especially if you've been raised by Dad who loves you, if you've had good role models, if you know what normal healthy relationships look like, then you're going to have, you're going to notice those red flags, things that just don't sit well with you, or maybe you know you feel like your boyfriend's lying and he keeps telling you he's not and he's getting mad at you and turning it around on you.
32:46
[SPEAKER_03]: you cannot shake the feeling that something is not adding up.
32:49
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, trust those feelings and know that there's usually more to it than what you say.
32:53
[SPEAKER_01]: That's so good.
32:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, as we're getting closer on time, I was thinking we could hit a couple of things just from a different perspective boy mom versus girl mom.
33:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the things I wrote down is what girls may not know that's really happening behind the scenes when they're dating a boy.
33:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And I say it's because having raised a girl first, I didn't know, and you know, you haven't lived the other side of it.
33:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And now I've raised a boy.
33:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, oh gosh, now I understand some of the things that happened with my daughter when she was going on dates because I get it now because I'm a boy.
33:25
[SPEAKER_01]: So I would just say this.
33:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Boys hide in security with humor, or like, bravado, and all that.
33:31
[SPEAKER_01]: So when they come off, it's, oh, and it, oh, for the funny and cool together, like that's, that's masking and security a lot of time.
33:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Interesting.
33:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, um, so, uh,
33:41
[SPEAKER_01]: That's just something to keep in mind.
33:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I also think, and when my friends and I were talking at this last night, it takes so much courage for a boy to ask a girl out for a date or whatever it is.
33:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that's just a lot of pressure that any sort of laughing mocking anything, you know, like you, that's crushing to this.
33:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I would just say as a mom, I would say teach our girls to say no, nicely, and politely, and respectfully, and how they speak of that boy.
34:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And I would say also, here's another one, the boys' fair rejection is much as girls do.
34:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, I think with boys, it tends to be that the girls who really put themselves out there and all the things they tend to get the dates because they make it easy.
34:25
[SPEAKER_01]: They make it easy on the guy.
34:26
[SPEAKER_01]: There's no, you know, the guy, why wouldn't you ask her to homecoming versus the girl that you really like that seems really cute and all of this, but she won't make eye contact.
34:34
[SPEAKER_01]: She won't talk right?
34:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
34:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that's a sure thing.
34:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so they fear rejection just as much.
34:40
[SPEAKER_01]: We talked about this earlier.
34:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I'd say boys take longer to mature and engage emotionally And so as your daughters are dating boys just keep that in mind.
34:48
[SPEAKER_01]: It is true.
34:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I see it all the time in my house on it outside of it
34:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And then, um, now this isn't really necessarily on point, but this is something I just want to add in this whole prom poseal thing going on.
35:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And these expectations of how a boy's supposed to ask them to the dances and all these things.
35:05
[SPEAKER_01]: I would just say it's a boy mom.
35:06
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a, that's a lot.
35:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And actually the boys aren't typically good at it.
35:10
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's the mom doing it.
35:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I would say if we could dial back some of the expectation that that's a lot for a boy and there's some really great.
35:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Great kids out there boys out there.
35:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, don't know how to do that dance or don't care to do that dance You know all of the things because usually the ones who are great at that are the narcissist I hate to say yeah, you know, which is why girls can get swept up in it, but yeah, so those are some of the things I think about that maybe if you just are raising a girl maybe you haven't thought about what's going on behind the scenes
35:40
[SPEAKER_01]: with a boy and that by the way on homecoming the girl takes the entire day to do a thousand things to be beautiful and the boy takes a shower walks up the door and it takes nine minutes and it's really something.
35:50
[SPEAKER_03]: So make sure job a lot easier.
35:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, what about yeah?
35:53
[SPEAKER_03]: Well and just to follow up on what you said I had I got an email recently in this mom's a boy mom in a girl mom and it was a great point and uh totally great with her.
36:01
[SPEAKER_03]: She's
36:01
[SPEAKER_03]: Basically, like her son, you know, and his friends, they planned to get a dinner after him coming, but their dates really wanted to do something different, and they wanted something more elaborate, so the girl mom's got involved, which I would never do that, because I'm like, if this is the boy thing, the girl mom's got involved, and all of a sudden they're switching it to the country club, and they're doing balloon arches, and they're just making it a big to do.
36:23
[SPEAKER_03]: And I was like, this is a great point, and I agreed with her, because I was like, you know,
36:27
[SPEAKER_03]: Girls, you want boys to step up, right?
36:30
[SPEAKER_03]: But you've got to work with them.
36:31
[SPEAKER_03]: And you've got to know, they're not going to be at 22 who you're 50 year old dad is, if you were great dad.
36:35
[SPEAKER_03]: They're not going to, but they're in the works.
36:38
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, it's all in the making.
36:39
[SPEAKER_03]: And you've got to get them the opportunity to plan it, even if it's not perfect.
36:43
[SPEAKER_03]: And even if it's not the level that you would want.
36:45
[SPEAKER_03]: But just give them that opportunity to plan these dates and to do something special.
36:49
[SPEAKER_03]: Now in that, you've got to start somewhere.
36:51
[SPEAKER_03]: And as they offer opportunity there, yeah, if they do it again, the next year they might step it up and it might keep growing from there, but you've got to give them, give them room to grow and give them opportunities to take the lead, because if you don't, if you always take over, then you're going to be frustrated down the road, then your husband never takes the lead, and you have to boss him around and tell him everything to do, because you never gave them the opportunity to step up and be a man, and you know, one of my favorite
37:19
[SPEAKER_03]: There's this priest that I just really, really look up to.
37:22
[SPEAKER_03]: And I'm friends with his daughter, and she was telling me that, I mean, he's just like such a father figure, just like so full of wisdom, everybody respects him so much, but his daughter told me that on his first date with his wife, he didn't even get to the door to pick her up.
37:35
[SPEAKER_03]: He honked.
37:36
[SPEAKER_03]: And I'm like, I just cannot picture this at all because it does not match with the priest of the person that I'm now.
37:42
[SPEAKER_03]: But it's just like, but his wife was basically like, don't you ever do that again?
37:45
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, girls help them rise, but be kind and loving about it.
37:49
[SPEAKER_03]: But that just shows you that like, you know, they're not going to be at 50 who they were at 22.
37:54
[SPEAKER_01]: My cat called me, you know that I can't whistle, but that you know that on your first day in the parking lot in law school the first time I've ever met him.
38:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Uh-uh.
38:02
[SPEAKER_01]: That was it.
38:03
[SPEAKER_01]: That was your interest.
38:03
[SPEAKER_01]: That was yes.
38:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And we're okay, everyone.
38:05
[SPEAKER_01]: But yeah.
38:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, that's just boys being dumb boys.
38:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, what was that?
38:10
[SPEAKER_03]: Right.
38:11
[SPEAKER_03]: What even Harry, we talked because, um,
38:13
[SPEAKER_03]: We just are dating until 23 when we were out of college.
38:16
[SPEAKER_03]: But there was a night when we were 18.
38:18
[SPEAKER_03]: I'd gone to Gaston with his hometown.
38:20
[SPEAKER_03]: And we floored to with each other all night and taught for like three hours.
38:24
[SPEAKER_03]: Because he'd always been one of those people like, I might be fun to go out with and he thought the same thing about me.
38:29
[SPEAKER_03]: But I just remember that night, I kept wanting the conversation to go deeper.
38:32
[SPEAKER_03]: And all he was talking about was going out and be one of the friends and having fun.
38:35
[SPEAKER_03]: And I kept thinking, surely, there's something more there.
38:38
[SPEAKER_03]: And there was, it just did not go deeper.
38:39
[SPEAKER_03]: So I kind of wrote them off.
38:41
[SPEAKER_03]: And when we started dating five years later, I mean, we went heavy fast because we just knew that was the one.
38:48
[SPEAKER_03]: But I told him, I was like, you know that first time that we talked in Gazz did like, I thought you were shallow.
38:53
[SPEAKER_03]: I kind of write you all.
38:54
[SPEAKER_03]: And he was like, I was an 18 year old boy.
38:56
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm probably wish.
38:57
[SPEAKER_03]: I was.
38:58
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, you're right.
38:59
[SPEAKER_03]: I kept thinking that has to be something deeper and there's just wasn't.
39:02
[SPEAKER_03]: But you know what, give it a little time.
39:04
[SPEAKER_03]: And he was in a different place.
39:05
[SPEAKER_03]: I was in a different place.
39:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And love that.
39:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
39:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
39:07
[SPEAKER_01]: What are things?
39:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe if we're raising boys, we're not thinking about that girls are going through as they're dating.
39:12
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, that's a great question, you know, I guess just thinking about myself, I think that something that boys might not understand is that girls need a lot of reassurance.
39:20
[SPEAKER_03]: And it doesn't take much, but you know, you hear a lot of girls like, oh, you know, I haven't talked to my boyfriend in three days or he's been so busy with baseball, and I think boys can get so focused and fixated on whatever they're having to do right then, especially if they've got, you know, something they have to really like in on.
39:36
[SPEAKER_03]: But just, you know, it's okay
39:41
[SPEAKER_03]: just touch base.
39:42
[SPEAKER_03]: And that's not something that comes naturally to a lot of them, but I think if they're in a long-term relationship especially, but what often happens is what I hear about a lot too is that the boy start off strong.
39:52
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, when you like a girl and you're trying to get a girl, you're like taken a dinner, you're wooing her, you're doing all these things.
39:58
[SPEAKER_03]: And I remember this for myself, it's like when the boy slacks off, all of a sudden he's gotten you and then he's not putting in that same effort, and you feel taken for granted.
40:05
[SPEAKER_03]: And that's something you hear about a lot.
40:07
[SPEAKER_03]: And so that was something that I always loved about Harry is that he started off strong, but then he was always consistent.
40:12
[SPEAKER_03]: He never let down after that.
40:14
[SPEAKER_03]: And obviously wasn't the same level as when you first started date.
40:16
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
40:17
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, we'd get a nice restaurant soon.
40:18
[SPEAKER_03]: And then we evolved to talk a mama or whatever.
40:20
[SPEAKER_03]: But, um,
40:21
[SPEAKER_03]: But I do think that just the touch and end, there's little touch points, just reassurance.
40:26
[SPEAKER_03]: And also, you know, if you pick her up, even if you've been dating for a year or for two years, you look beautiful.
40:31
[SPEAKER_03]: Wow, you look amazing.
40:32
[SPEAKER_03]: Just that does not get old and she needs those little comments, those little pick me up and just those little things can go a long way.
40:39
[SPEAKER_03]: I also think that there is something in a girl that wants a guy to take the lead.
40:44
[SPEAKER_03]: And I don't mean like the toxic masculinity and this is something where no can be very confusing for the boys.
40:48
[SPEAKER_03]: But
40:49
[SPEAKER_03]: There's something in us that loves when we feel taken care of and provided for.
40:54
[SPEAKER_03]: And I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
40:57
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, I'm perfectly capable of buying my own meal or by my own coffee, but I love it when Harry steps in to do it.
41:03
[SPEAKER_03]: And one thing I remember was when the kids were little, it just stood out to me where it's Starbucks one day after church.
41:10
[SPEAKER_03]: And I was about to pay for our meal.
41:11
[SPEAKER_03]: We'd they'd all gotten hot chocolate, we'd get on some food.
41:14
[SPEAKER_03]: And I was taking out my credit card to pay and I just see this $20 bill cannot come over my shoulder and it was hairy just even and he knows we're married we've been married for 20 years at that point.
41:24
[SPEAKER_03]: I was perfectly capable of paying the bill, but I loved there was something in me that just felt so loved and protected by that.
41:31
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think that they're, it's just innately in those girls.
41:34
[SPEAKER_03]: We want those guys who, and I hear from mom sometimes, you know, my son, I've taught them to be a gentleman.
41:39
[SPEAKER_03]: He's taught to open doors, but his girlfriend gets mad at him.
41:42
[SPEAKER_03]: The girlfriend's parents get mad at him when he takes those effort, but he takes those efforts to be a gentleman.
41:47
[SPEAKER_03]: And I was like, you know what?
41:48
[SPEAKER_03]: It's probably just the not the right girl.
41:50
[SPEAKER_03]: And she's gonna have to go date a jerk for about two weeks.
41:53
[SPEAKER_03]: It's a change her tone.
41:54
[SPEAKER_03]: And she's just gonna have to learn that lesson a hard way.
41:56
[SPEAKER_03]: She might think she doesn't want that in a guy.
41:57
[SPEAKER_03]: but just go to a guy who's the opposite and I promise you she will see why matters.
42:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
42:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
42:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I remember in Mike is so good.
42:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Same as like Harry is so good at taking care of me.
42:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Almost like I want I am so independent so it's hard for me to allow him to that I just remember when we all had
42:17
[SPEAKER_01]: young kids and babies and I remember what time I was walking to church and I'm holding this heavy car seat things you know the infantry carrier and I have the diaper bag and I'm my Bible and also and he's behind me with it like drinking his coffee and I remember setting it all down and looking at him being like are you kidding me?
42:36
[UNKNOWN]: I guess
42:36
[SPEAKER_01]: What I wasn't thinking about of a TV's like you just always do it all let me and I thought you know, there is something to that like let them let me do some of the things and start it early because I was I was fully capable of carrying it all yeah and I probably did 10 20 30 times a four and didn't think of thing about it but that time I was like yeah this is too much and I can't read my mind yes exactly on the same way because I'm just I just grew up just do it myself and I need it done and so yeah when you're very capable it can be very hard to do that right but let them take the lead because of
43:06
[SPEAKER_03]: letting them have those small opportunities is going to evoke them and help them evolve into a bigger leader when they make that they can make the big choices.
43:15
[SPEAKER_01]: All right.
43:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
43:16
[SPEAKER_01]: As we wrap up, let's talk about this really.
43:18
[SPEAKER_01]: There's so much more.
43:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I've lots of notes here that we're not going to have time to cover.
43:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Back to PDFs was apparently what we need to be doing here.
43:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I would love to talk about we're not going to today boundaries talking to our kids like the talk and boundaries and expectations.
43:34
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's a whole other podcast we could do.
43:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, but I thought this one, um, oh, I had also made a note about dating so a different religious beliefs talking our kids about that.
43:42
[SPEAKER_01]: The difference between protecting our kids and being controlling and their relationships.
43:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I just think there's so much we can cover.
43:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
43:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So now I've teach you into what we're not talking about, but here's what I thought.
43:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's just discuss.
43:53
[SPEAKER_01]: quickly, this dating and a digital world.
43:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think it's tricky.
43:58
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, obviously, I'll think it's tricky, but I will say my daughter got asked to prom her sophomore year.
44:03
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the first year in our high school where they take dates.
44:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And she three boys in or I like when people started asking, they all panic.
44:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And so everybody starts asking, and three and a row DMTER.
44:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And I remember thinking,
44:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Huh, and I was like, that's no good.
44:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, you're DMing her to ask her, but then I remember later on and I was like, well, Kate, why don't you text him and ask him, you know, what color whatever we're wearing or what it's like, oh no, texting would be too formal.
44:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, when did texting get formal?
44:32
[SPEAKER_01]: What do we wear?
44:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, all these layers.
44:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I don't want to think I really like him.
44:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not text him and as I walk I mean if you picked up the phone and called him with that be like a proposal Like I don't understand and yeah, so talk to me I thought on that just how did you guide your girl so dating in a digital world and in posting and all the things?
44:51
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I know, and made me think of a story or heard of a girl recently that she was like 35 years old and there was a guy who just got in divorce.
45:00
[SPEAKER_03]: I think he was 50.
45:01
[SPEAKER_03]: I cannot even remember who told me this story.
45:03
[SPEAKER_03]: But he was 50.
45:05
[SPEAKER_03]: One of my friends works with this guy.
45:07
[SPEAKER_03]: And he saw this girl, thought she was pretty.
45:09
[SPEAKER_03]: He asked her out and she went out on the date and they had a good time.
45:13
[SPEAKER_03]: And so he called her again, you know, few days later, asked if she wanted to go out again.
45:17
[SPEAKER_03]: And she's like, well, I'm so sorry, but I'm going out with somebody.
45:20
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm kind of dating somebody.
45:21
[SPEAKER_03]: And he's like, oh, wow, I'm sorry I didn't know that.
45:24
[SPEAKER_03]: And he's like, why didn't you mention that up front?
45:26
[SPEAKER_03]: And she was like, well, nobody's ever asked me out in person before.
45:31
[SPEAKER_03]: And she was 35 years old.
45:33
[SPEAKER_03]: And I thought she was, she just liked that.
45:35
[SPEAKER_03]: She liked how that felt.
45:36
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think that is such a great story to share with our kids, like it just is going to hit differently.
45:42
[SPEAKER_03]: Especially if it is somebody that you like, you want somebody to, because that's what helps somebody become a man.
45:48
[SPEAKER_03]: It's to step it up and take that risk of rejection and doing it face to face.
45:52
[SPEAKER_03]: So, I don't know.
45:54
[SPEAKER_03]: I think obviously when you're dating somebody, I think it's fine.
45:56
[SPEAKER_03]: Text after that, you know, go out or go grab a bite to eat.
46:01
[SPEAKER_03]: But I don't know, you know, the whole digital world, I think with my kids, the main thing that I emphasize, especially in the teenage years, I was like the best thing you can do to be prepared for dating and to be prepared for marriage is to learn how to be great friends with a guy.
46:16
[SPEAKER_03]: Like, you know, because that way regardless, whether you marry somebody or not, you've got a great relationship.
46:21
[SPEAKER_03]: But, you know, learning to truly be friends with a guy.
46:24
[SPEAKER_03]: Like, friendship is such a huge part of marriage that people don't talk about.
46:28
[SPEAKER_03]: And I've heard it said, I have a friend that always tells her
46:31
[SPEAKER_03]: A great marriage is going to have lightning and health.
46:34
[SPEAKER_03]: You're going to have that chemistry, that physical attraction, but you all have to help.
46:38
[SPEAKER_03]: And I think the friendship is the help.
46:40
[SPEAKER_03]: You've got to be friends with your spouse.
46:42
[SPEAKER_03]: You've got to have that friendship because that's what's going to get you through the hard times.
46:45
[SPEAKER_03]: And so I think that's something that they can learn at any age.
46:48
[SPEAKER_03]: That's going to benefit them for that long-term marriage.
46:51
[SPEAKER_03]: And if you're treating them like a friend and if you're going into it with that friendship mentality,
46:56
[SPEAKER_03]: You're not as likely to make some dumb mistakes as you would as if you're just looking at every guy as somebody could potentially date.
47:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Hmm, that's really good.
47:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's that's a good like parting piece of advice.
47:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Like teach them how to be good friends with a guy or a guy's with a girl and and again back to my girl.
47:12
[SPEAKER_01]: My daughter and their friends and this whole new trend on and only date so we need to marry.
47:15
[SPEAKER_01]: There's also a trend in there that you shouldn't be friends with guys that you're not going to date.
47:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Really?
47:19
[SPEAKER_01]: What is that?
47:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so I love that you said that.
47:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I would say my last little thing I'd say about dating and again, I'm sitting in your house because I'm on a girl's trip with some friends too.
47:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And we were coming here and we're going somewhere else, but you know girls, if you get to talk to all the things, we're all raising all these kids.
47:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And so me and my two girlfriends else might be talking out this.
47:37
[SPEAKER_01]: But one thing that I think comes back to mind and we talk to all of a sudden is, just I remind my voice as well as my daughter, but remember when you're dating, people treat them like they're someone's spouse.
47:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe yours may not, but like leave them better than you got them like if it doesn't work out but that is probably somebody spouse yes and how do you want your spouse be treated right now whoever might be dating them and so just yes having a little global a little bigger picture of that.
48:04
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, and I think, too, and imagine yourself in 20 years, you're with your husband, and they're with their wife, and you're running into each other.
48:12
[SPEAKER_03]: And you want their wife to be thankful that they went out with you, that something you did made them a better person.
48:17
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
48:18
[SPEAKER_03]: And how do you want their spouse to feel about you, that you enrich their life?
48:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
48:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, this is all good stuff.
48:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Hopefully this encourages and helps everyone carry, and also hopefully people have a conversation better than our parents did with us.
48:33
[SPEAKER_01]: That's right.
48:33
[SPEAKER_03]: That's right.
48:34
[SPEAKER_03]: That's one good thing about this generation.
48:36
[SPEAKER_03]: We're much more intentional.
48:38
[SPEAKER_01]: All right.
48:38
[SPEAKER_01]: All right.
48:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for doing this, friend.
48:39
[SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
48:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
48:40
[SPEAKER_03]: I loved it.
48:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Alright guys, I want to thank you for being a part of this.
48:44
[SPEAKER_01]: The last two weeks, hopefully with Carey, we've got lots more shows coming your way, talking up a lot of other topics.
48:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Would you share today's show with your friends, other moms, if you're anything like me, we're all looking for something to help us through these dating relationships, whether our kids are dating now or we'll be in the future.
49:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you would share today's show, it means so much to me.
49:05
[SPEAKER_01]: And we'll be back with more great stuff coming your way.
49:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for being a part of the mesmerized family.
49:10
[SPEAKER_01]: You guys are the very best.
49:13
[UNKNOWN]: You