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How Indian Wives Keep Husbands in Line Zarna Garg 🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: But my husband, he's a great guy.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he went to a good college, has an amazing job.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: He's what you here would call a catch.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I know this because his mother reminds me.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Every day.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, and he has a superpower.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't be so surprised because back in the day he was a chess champion.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I know what you're all thinking, chess champion.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sexy.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: So his superpower is logic.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do with logic?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe if you're stuck in an escape room someday.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: But otherwise, what do you do with logic?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's as if I'm married to Clark Kent, who never becomes Superman.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like if a big bookshelf falls on my head, do I really need him explaining to me that I put too much stuff in it?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Or if my check luggage is overweight at the airport, I need him pointing out that I took too many towels from the hotel.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody needs logic.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, when I first started doing this joke, he didn't like it.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, I don't like this joke.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I said, but why?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: You are my Superman.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, how can I be Superman?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: They took out all the phone boots.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Where will I change into the costumes?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, what do you call an escape room in India?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Arranged marriage.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: So my oldest is my daughter.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: She's a freshman this year at Stanford University.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: So when she got in, immediately I called my mother-in-law.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Two flex! Wouldn't you do that?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Wouldn't you brag about this?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what she said to me, my mother-in-law?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: She said to me, how good can the college be if it's taking so many girls?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: You see, she is what you here would call a cunt.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: But I can't complain about her too much.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because without her, what would I get up here and say?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: What would I say?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I would be like, I'm happy, I'm fine, I too have self-esteem.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Let's face it, without her, I would have no act.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: But now my kid is in college and it's all about making friends, making friends.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, why?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Make friends when you join Doctors Without Borders.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, Mom, be serious.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: I have to make some friends.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I said, okay, I'm gonna give you the guidelines on who you can be friends with.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot be friends with any communications majors.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: No sociology, no geology, no anthropology.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: What even is that?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's dead.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: No kids who play music, no kids who do drama, recruited athletes?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Do I even need to say the words?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, so I can't have any friends.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I didn't say that.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Did I say that?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: No, right?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Com size, good.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Engineering, pre-med, basically all the Indian kids.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, what if I meet an Indian kid who is an art major?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I said, that doesn't exist.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if you meet that kid, get his mother's phone number.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: We might need to check on her.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: She might be about to jump in front of a train.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: So are we all familiar with the acronym STEM in education?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: We all know what it stands for.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: What does it stand for?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Science, technology, engineering, math.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: So have you heard about the controversy surrounding this acronym?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: They want to add art to it.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because the artists are feeling excluded.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And they want to make it STEAM.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: What are they trying to do to us?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Do they realize that if you add art to STEM, there will be no STEAM?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Do they think that the guy who invented the steam engine ran a puppet show on the side?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Do you think they can just disrupt the world order like that?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: How would they like it if we added a spelling bee to the NFL?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: But let me tell you about my 16-year-old son, so handsome.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: I can show you a photo afterwards if you want.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: My 16-year-old son recently started walking to school with a girl.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I follow them.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband's been so impressed with me.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: He's like our son is walking to school with a white blonde girl.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have a problem with that.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I told him there's nothing to worry about.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's not like she's gonna get into a good college.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever, cancel me.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Besides, the blondes don't even get that joke.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now my daughter called me the other day and she's like, I just met a boy.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, why?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're born here, you don't need a green card.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, mom, he's really nice.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Who needs nice?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: We need rich.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, mom, hear me out.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: He's an engineering major.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I said, okay, I'm listening.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: He's from Connecticut.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Fine, go on.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: His mom is the head of development at HPO.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I said, he's got potential.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I have a third kid.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: I forget about him sometimes.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what to say about him.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really know him.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, the nanny says he's perfect.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: But in our house, we don't use the word nanny.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: We call her auntie.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because this way she can sit in for us at parent teacher conferences, at doctor appointments, at college graduations.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: But speaking of college, I have to tell you, I have uncovered the world's biggest scam.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Did you guys know that in this country the parents don't get to decide what the kid's gonna study?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: You all knew this?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I really thought when my kid goes to college, I will call the college up.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I will say, Com sci one, com sci two, go.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: She wants to have some fun.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I understand that.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Give her one class in chemistry.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: It does not work that way.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: They're so rude, they'd hang up on me.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to call my kid and ask her.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what are you enrolled in?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: What are you studying?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Are you guys ready for this?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Ceramics.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Eighty thousand dollars to learn how to make clay pots.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know who else makes clay pots?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Villagers in India.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because they have nothing else to do.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: My kid is in Palo Alto, the epicenter of technology, making clay pods.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I being punished, Ganesh?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know how bad something has to be when the nice white guy in the audience is like, oh no?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And now I have an update on this situation, and you guys are gonna think I'm making it up.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not, I'm telling you the truth.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: I just found out that she's required to take a class in wellness.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: So she's enrolled in meditation, which costs extra.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: While she's meditating, I'm gonna go have a stroke.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm an immigrant parent in America.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard for me to raise my kids here.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you why.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because here, people like to do dangerous things just for fun.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just for the thrill of it.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: They like to go sliding down mountains, fall out of airplanes, dive into oceans, just for the thrill of it.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Back home, when I wanted to experience the thrill, I drank tap water.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now my son wants to go bungee jumping.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Could you imagine?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: My son?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: My daughter, whatever.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, no, you can't go.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, why not?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: My friend Scott went.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Scott.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: He put a photo on Instagram.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Scott should go bungee jumping.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Scott has a B in math.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: He has nowhere to go but up.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: You want to put a photo on Instagram?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Take a picture of your GPA.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you know the other thing that has us immigrant parents really confused is this modern parenting trend in America right now.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: People try to be friends with their kids.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Anyone know what I'm talking about?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I know brown people are like, what?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's a thing.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's a thing here.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: There are parents in this country right now telling their kids, don't worry about your grades.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry about your job.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: You be happy.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you are happy, we are happy.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry, be happy.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Who's heard that song?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: You've heard that song?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: That would never be an Indian song.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Our song would be Don't Happy.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Be worried! And there is so much to worry about.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Let me share a statistic because I'm nothing if I don't have a statistic for you.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Last year, six out of eight spelling bee champions in America were Indian.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Our community was devastated.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: They were like 75%.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's a C.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: A C is for chiropractor.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: That is not a doctor! And you know when I make these jokes, people ask me, they're like, how can you be so strict and old-fashioned?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're a comedian.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but my kids don't know I do this.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: I leave my house in scrubs.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: My LinkedIn profile says Mount Sinai! Okay, I was kidding about that.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: They do know what I do, and it's all because of Zoom.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: The last few years I did a lot of shows on Zoom.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: How many people here are still working on Zoom?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: A little bit, right?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: At least a little.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Then a few months into it, you took a little bite on the side.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Then a few more months and let it drinky drinky.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're like, I'm just gonna take a shower.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Keep the door open.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I did a lot of shows for Indian families, Indian events, and in those shows, I would have a lot of Indian uncles.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now in America, we've heard a lot about Indian aunties.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: But can we take a minute and talk about Indian uncles?
• 14:46
  unknown: Yes?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: So this is how the Zoom would open up with like a hundred little windows and all these Indian uncles in them looking at me like this.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: As if to say who is this woman and why is she talking?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then while I was doing my set, the chat room would be fired up.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the chat room that we could all read, including me.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: She's not funny.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's not funny.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, maybe she's a little funny.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: No, you can imagine these Indian uncles, right, walking around with their hands, hands behind their back, belly protruding out.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: As if they're all doing hospital rounds.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: But really, they're just at a garage sale.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if you go to dinner with an Indian uncle and tip 20%, they lose their minds.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, oh, no one told me I'm having dinner with Bill Gates.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I make fun of Indian guys, but the truth is they're great guys.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Good fathers, great husbands, great providers.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: You'll never see them dunking a basketball.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: But they all bought Google at the right time.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: No, not my husband.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: No, my husband bought Dell.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know who needs money?
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: And the Indian aunties are not off the hook.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Kids here think they have it bad.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: They complain about things like they're like, ew, I grew up in a rough neighborhood, Greenwich.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't belong.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: She was mean to me.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: But do you know where I grew up?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: In India.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: With Indian people.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: I wish I had white bullies.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: I had scary Indian aunties.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: This used to be my birthday.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Come, come, come, come, come, Peter! Pinching cheeks until the blood clots.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Who is sixteen today?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: And fat and single.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Happy birthday.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not like I could say to her who is 58 today.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: And fatter than me.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't want to die.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: And now that I'm an Indian auntie, by the way, shout out to all my Indian aunties.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: Out here online at home, because of you guys, I'm here today.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: So my aunties will understand this, right?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: When we hang out at dinner parties, the kids all assume we're talking about them.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: We're not talking about them.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about the one auntie who wasn't invited.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: And the kids here are so delicate.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: My 16-year-old son's so handsome.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: He recently asked me, he's like, Mom, are you proud of me?
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, proud of you.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, because I get good grades.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: I said, you get good grades because we make you study.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: We get you tutors.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: We feed you almonds.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: You should be proud of us.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're an Indian kid who gets good grades.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's like a Russian mom being proud that her kid is a figure skater.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, the best I can give you is that I'm not embarrassed by you.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: And these kids, they have no street smarts.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, they come to me for help with their homework, and I'm like, I don't know anything, Google it.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then he'll be like, Mom, but I have to show the work.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: My math teacher wants to see the work.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, Google fake work.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: And my daughter, little Miss Stanford, overheard this interaction once, and she's like, Mom, how is it that you went to law school and you don't know anything?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I do know something.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: You have a right to remain silent.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: Use it.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: The truth is that my youngest, my third, is actually the smartest of my three.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't have the heart to break it to him that by the time he goes to college, there's gonna be no money left.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I drop hints, I tell him, I'm like, you know what's a great university?
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Devry.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband, he thinks he's a comedian now.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, by the time he goes to college, we're gonna have no money left.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know what's a great place to retire?
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Flushing.