Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #975 Homework Hassles & Social Struggles

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#975 Homework Hassles & Social Struggles · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just answers.
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  Speaker 3: Now.
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  Speaker 4: Every Tuesday on the Happy Families Podcast, we answer your
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  Speaker 4: listener questions and we've got two people who are visited
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  Speaker 4: Happy families dot com dot You pressed on the button
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  Speaker 4: on the podcast page where you get to talk to
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  Speaker 4: us and tell us what's on your mind. Kylie and I,
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  Speaker 4: between the two of us have something like one hundred
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  Speaker 4: and five years of combined parenting experience. That is, we've
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  Speaker 4: got six children, and if you add up all their ages,
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  Speaker 4: it's more than one hundred years. We've been doing this
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  Speaker 4: for a while. We reckon, We've got some stuff to share. Plus,
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  Speaker 4: I've written nine books about how to have a happier family,
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  Speaker 4: and we just reckon we can be helpful. So Daniel
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  Speaker 4: is the first person to send us something. Here's what
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  Speaker 4: Daniel had to say.
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  Speaker 3: Hi, Justin and Kylie, huge fan of everything you do.
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  Speaker 3: I'm a divorced father who shares care of an eight
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  Speaker 3: year old daughter with someone who doesn't share my positive
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  Speaker 3: parenting style or first for education, particularly when it comes
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  Speaker 3: to homework. My daughter is in intelligent and showing signs
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  Speaker 3: of being a perfectionist, which she gets from me. So
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  Speaker 3: she's a prime candidate of anxiety. What strategies do you
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  Speaker 3: recommend to support her? She will get pressure from her
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  Speaker 3: mum and teach her to do homework and feel pressure
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  Speaker 3: to do it at our house instead of having craft
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  Speaker 3: noons and being a kid, just so she doesn't get
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  Speaker 3: punished when she goes back there.
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  Speaker 2: So I've never heard the word crafternoons.
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  Speaker 4: Don't you love it? Though?
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  Speaker 2: But I want to have lots of them.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, sounds great, sounds great, Kylie. I'm going to
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  Speaker 4: jump straight in and just say this. Cop pairing is
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  Speaker 4: really hard. Co parenting is really really hard. I've talked
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  Speaker 4: to so many people who just shrug their shoulders and say,
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  Speaker 4: don't think it's actually possible. Now, there's plenty of people
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  Speaker 4: who get it right, but there's a reason that you're
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  Speaker 4: not together, and that's what makes co parenting so hard.
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  Speaker 4: So picking your battles matters and avoiding battles as much
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  Speaker 4: as you can is absolutely huge. There are some apps
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  Speaker 4: for co paring. By the way, hashtag not sponsored, but
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  Speaker 4: there are some apps for co paring that can be
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  Speaker 4: super helpful. Our Family Wizard and two Houses are the
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  Speaker 4: ones that I've seen that seem to have the best reviews.
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  Speaker 4: Those apps don't address the specific issue that you've raised,
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  Speaker 4: but they could be a useful foundation moving forward. So, Kylie,
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  Speaker 4: when you hear this particular question, what stands out to
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  Speaker 4: you initially?
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  Speaker 2: First of all, it just feels like it's a really
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  Speaker 2: really hard space to sit in as a parent who
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  Speaker 2: wants to do the best by their child, but there's
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  Speaker 2: an equal parent on the other side who wants the
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  Speaker 2: best for their child as well. And never the twain
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  Speaker 2: should meet.
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  Speaker 4: Even though they I mean looking at diametrically different positions
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  Speaker 4: on an issue in both saying this is what's best. Yeah,
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  Speaker 4: so we need to give both parents benefit of doubt here.
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  Speaker 2: Going on a small tangent, I remember when one of
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  Speaker 2: our daughters received the news that she had a dust allergy.
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  Speaker 2: A normal reading for an ellergan as one hundred. She
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  Speaker 2: had a four thousand, one hundred reading for dust. So,
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  Speaker 2: as a typical mum, I went into absolute hypervigilance mode
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  Speaker 2: and I tried to remove every every possible speck of
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  Speaker 2: dust in our house. I ordered hyperalergenic sheets and mattress
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  Speaker 2: protectors and all kinds of things and except for ripping
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  Speaker 2: out the carpet that we had literally laid a few
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  Speaker 2: weeks earlier. I did everything I could to eliminate dust
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  Speaker 2: in her day to day life. When I went back
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  Speaker 2: to the doctors, he just acknowledged to me that I
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  Speaker 2: could spend every waking moment doing that, and not only
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  Speaker 2: would I destroy her childhood in the process, I would
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  Speaker 2: go balmi trying to do it. And I feel like
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  Speaker 2: that kind of plays out here a little bit. We've
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  Speaker 2: got a dad he really recognizes and can see how
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  Speaker 2: important it is to have those crafternoons and have that
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  Speaker 2: downtime after school. But at the end of the day,
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  Speaker 2: is it the most important thing? Is it the thing
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  Speaker 2: that's going to bring the most value to her life?
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  Speaker 2: Recognizing that there is a significant difference in opinion on
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  Speaker 2: the other side.
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  Speaker 4: So, I mean, my position on homework for a long
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  Speaker 4: time has been well known, and that is that there
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  Speaker 4: is no evidence that doing homework when your kids are
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  Speaker 4: in primary school is going to be good for them
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  Speaker 4: other than reading. Having said that, in this situation, if
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  Speaker 4: dad puts his foot down and says, my daughter is
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  Speaker 4: not going to do homework while she's at my home,
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  Speaker 4: it just puts the daughter in a really difficult spot.
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  Speaker 4: She ends up bearing the brunt of it because you've
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  Speaker 4: got a teacher who's pushing for it, and you've got
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  Speaker 4: a mum who's pushing for it. And ultimately dad doesn't
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  Speaker 4: pay the price, the daughter pays the price. And I
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  Speaker 4: homework is not that big of a deal. I mean,
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  Speaker 4: is it great for kids to be doing it? It's
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  Speaker 4: hard to argue. There's good evidence that kids should be
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  Speaker 4: doing homework, but in the scheme of things, there are
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  Speaker 4: a whole lot of other things that are going to
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  Speaker 4: make a much bigger difference in terms of her well
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  Speaker 4: being and her academic outcomes. So I look at this
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  Speaker 4: and think she's probably going to be able to do it.
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  Speaker 4: Just find anyway, based on what her characteristics have been
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  Speaker 4: described as. Let her do it, and then do the
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  Speaker 4: other stuff as well. Have the cra afternoon once the
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  Speaker 4: homework's done. I mean, I used to be really hardcore
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  Speaker 4: about this, but I've eased right off. That's how I
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  Speaker 4: would be approaching it. We've got to be peacemakers. We've
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  Speaker 4: got to find ways that we can make things work.
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  Speaker 2: I think, where possible, one of the most important protective
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  Speaker 2: factors for our kids is having predictable structure in routine
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  Speaker 2: in their lives. If she's going from mum's house to
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  Speaker 2: dad's house and the structure and the routine changes all
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  Speaker 2: the time, that actually causes so much anxiety and stress
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  Speaker 2: in and of itself without all of the other factors. So,
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  Speaker 2: like you said, homework isn't that important. No, it really isn't,
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  Speaker 2: especially at this age. But if it's not causing any
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  Speaker 2: stress on her end, if she's doing it and she's
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  Speaker 2: happy to do it and she's not feeling frustrated because
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  Speaker 2: she doesn't know how to do the work, then I
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  Speaker 2: think it's a bit of a no brainer.
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  Speaker 4: Yes, it might be a concern. Just while we're on
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  Speaker 4: this is the labeling of perfectionism and highlighting the potential
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  Speaker 4: for anxiety. What I would also encourage is for you
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  Speaker 4: to go back and have listened to our Thomas current podcasts.
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  Speaker 4: We did it across two parts. He's written a book
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  Speaker 4: called The Perfection Trap. What I would really be encouraging
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  Speaker 4: is that when you've got an eight year old, especially
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  Speaker 4: in this situation, reduce the focus on outcomes, play and
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  Speaker 4: have fun. Steer away from anything where there's going to
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  Speaker 4: be this really anxiety inducing environment with what's going on
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  Speaker 4: with the copiring environment that's already there. Enough, let's reduce
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  Speaker 4: the pressure and make this feel easier. Here we go
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  Speaker 4: with our second question today via happy families dot com
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  Speaker 4: dot you and the easy to use podcast button at
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  Speaker 4: the podcast link Happy families dot com dot you number two.
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  Speaker 1: Hi. Justin my names Emily. I'm the parent to Theodore,
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  Speaker 1: who is thirteen months old. I have a question. I'm
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  Speaker 1: listening to Ten Things Every Parent Needs to Know, and
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  Speaker 1: I'm listening to it a bit about play.
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  Speaker 2: I think in that chapter.
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  Speaker 1: Thirteen or fourteen, at the moment where you talk about
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  Speaker 1: kids around the age of like two to three start
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  Speaker 1: to get real social benefits, Theodore isn't in kind of
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  Speaker 1: day preschool yet, and I'm just wondering, do you have
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  Speaker 1: any advice about it an age that would be good
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  Speaker 1: to start, not necessarily every day and maybe just a
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  Speaker 1: couple of days a week. I'm just kind of wondering
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  Speaker 1: if there's like an ideal or an age that we
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  Speaker 1: should have started by. Thanks so much. Bye.
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  Speaker 2: My initial response is similar to what age should I
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  Speaker 2: start my kids at school? I'm actually going to say delay, delay, delay.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, not everyone has the privilege to be able to
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  Speaker 4: make this choice, but it's wonderful if you can. There
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  Speaker 4: are some families where you have the child and your
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  Speaker 4: child just needs to go back into care because paying
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  Speaker 4: the mortgage, paying the rent, paying for living costs is
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  Speaker 4: so expensive these days. But in Emily's case, what a
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  Speaker 4: wonderful opportunity to do this. The first thing that I
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  Speaker 4: want to mention other than delay is go back and
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  Speaker 4: have listened to our podcast, episode number nine hundred and
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  Speaker 4: forty seven. It dropped on March the twelfth, just over
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  Speaker 4: a month ago, month and a half ago. Janet Ericsson
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  Speaker 4: is a researcher who's been working with the number one
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  Speaker 4: researcher on the planet, a researcher by the name of
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  Speaker 4: Jay Belski, who has pretty much said the same thing.
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  Speaker 4: Their research is delay as long as you reasonably can.
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  Speaker 4: Your children are going to be better off with you,
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  Speaker 4: so long as you're a safe and healthy parent, And
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  Speaker 4: it sounds like Emily is that's going to be the
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  Speaker 4: absolute ideal. Kylie, you used to work in early childcare.
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  Speaker 4: You looked after babies from the very youngest right up
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  Speaker 4: until they launched into school. What other advice would you
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  Speaker 4: have as somebody who's worked in that industry for such
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  Speaker 4: a long time.
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  Speaker 2: If you're looking at childcare as your child's social outlet,
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  Speaker 2: if that's the only reason that you are wanting to
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  Speaker 2: put your kids in childcare, while there are definitely benefits
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  Speaker 2: from being in the system, I think that research really
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  Speaker 2: clearly makes the argument that your children are going to
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  Speaker 2: be emotionally and socially more rounded and better off when
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  Speaker 2: they have the nurturing environment of mum and dad as
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  Speaker 2: much as possible. So where you are able to utilize
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  Speaker 2: other social networks within your community, your children are going
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  Speaker 2: to benefit from that so much more. Smaller groups definitely
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  Speaker 2: create better quality relationship and interaction. And when we do
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  Speaker 2: that in the comfort of our backyard, in our home
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  Speaker 2: or at a park and it's just one or two
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  Speaker 2: other kids, the capacity for our kids to learn the
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  Speaker 2: social skills needed to navigate the challenges that relationships bring
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  Speaker 2: with them. With the loving interaction, support and scaffolding of
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  Speaker 2: a caregiver, a parent or close family member, there's just
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  Speaker 2: so much more added benefit to that than being one
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  Speaker 2: of many with only one caregiver or two caregivers to
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  Speaker 2: take care of a number of children.
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  Speaker 4: Yees. So I mean, when I hear what you're saying,
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  Speaker 4: my summary would be kids going to nurture better relationships,
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  Speaker 4: better social skills, better emotional skills if they're in natural
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  Speaker 4: and unstructured environments with people that know them and love them,
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  Speaker 4: and you're going to get better care from a parent
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  Speaker 4: than a paid provider. Not that I'm throwing a paid providers.
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  Speaker 4: They do job, and we really do need more people
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  Speaker 4: to work in that nurturing environment. But you're more likely
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  Speaker 4: to provide that enriching environment and provide the care that
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  Speaker 4: your children need if it's you doing it rather than
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  Speaker 4: somebody paid.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, totally.
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  Speaker 4: The other thought that's popped into my mind as I
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  Speaker 4: was thinking about the research is when you do stop
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  Speaker 4: delaying and decide to put your kids into childcare again,
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  Speaker 4: if you've got the privilege of making that decision when
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  Speaker 4: it suits you. The research does suggest that if the
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  Speaker 4: kids don't have a consistent routine around it and are
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  Speaker 4: not doing enough hours, that will actually that will work
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  Speaker 4: against them. They need to know that they're going in
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  Speaker 4: let's say two days a week. The research showed that
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  Speaker 4: anything less than nine hours per week and it feels
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  Speaker 4: too haphazard. It doesn't feel like there's structure and routine.
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  Speaker 4: It feels unpredictable. So we want to make sure that
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  Speaker 4: routine is there and that they're getting at least nine
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  Speaker 4: hours a week so they know what's happening and when
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  Speaker 4: and they can form stable relationships in the childcare environment.
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  Speaker 4: So day care matters and it will be useful for
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  Speaker 4: your children at some point, but to the extent that
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  Speaker 4: you can delay. Check out episode nine hundred forty seven
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  Speaker 4: from Jenet Ericsson on March the twelfth. You'll get a
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  Speaker 4: whole lot more information there and hopefully find that wonderfully helpful.
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  Speaker 4: If you have questions for us, jump onto Happy families
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  Speaker 4: dot com dot A. You click on the podcast page,
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  Speaker 4: press the button and let us know what's on your mind.
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  Speaker 4: We look forward to answering your questions every Tuesday at
• 11:17
  Speaker 4: least to a week. That's the plan. We'll see how
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  Speaker 4: we go with that. Happy Families Podcast is produced by
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  Speaker 4: Justin Ruhland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
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  Speaker 4: If you're looking for more information about how to make
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: your family happier, please visit us at Happy families dot
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  Speaker 4: com dot AU.