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How Trauma Effects Communication Style · Trauma Free Relationship

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Today we're going to discuss how our attachment or relational
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trauma shapes our communication style.
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And here's the big take away. You're not bad at communicating,
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but your communication style was shaped by experiences that
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taught you how to say stay safe. What that means is that you tend
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to communicate more from a place of protective strategies you've
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learned to keep you safe, as opposed to more relational
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strategies that are rooted in secure attachment.
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So by the end of this podcast, you're going to understand how
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attachment and relational trauma shapes your communication style,
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the real function behind your patterns, the most common trauma
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shaped communication styles, and how to begin shifting into
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secure, embodied style of communication.
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And don't forget to download our free trauma assessment, which
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helps you identify the areas that may need attention in your
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life and in your relationships. Welcome to trauma free
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relationship. I'm your host, Tom Phil and I've
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been working for years with adults who struggle with
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relational trauma to regain trust in themselves and others
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so that they can experience a safe and secure relationship.
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Let's get started, OK? As I mentioned in the opening,
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when people think about communicating, often times they
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think it is sort of a level of skill, something that they've
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learned from about 16-18 months and they grew by growing their
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vocabulary, that sort of thing. And certainly there is that
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aspect of communicating, but communicating to your partner is
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so much more than just a matter of the words that you use or
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don't use. And so when we talking about
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communicating today and especially how trauma shapes
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communication style, we're coming from a little bit
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different perspective. And today we're going to talk
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about communication as a nervous system event and not so much a
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skill, a verbal, verbal aptitude or just a verbal skill in and of
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itself. It's not just the words you say
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to your partner. I see this all the time.
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The number one issue that couples come in and talk about
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hands down is that we need to improve our communication.
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That is the most common presenting issue when couples in
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all the years I've been working with them, come, come, come to
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me for. And and yet what they're telling
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me is that there's something amiss here between the two of
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them. There's misunderstandings.
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They don't feel on the same page.
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We can use all those quoculisms to describe that, but the fact
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of the matter is, it's not the words they're saying to each
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other. What they're actually saying is
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that, look, something's, something's ajar here in that we
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cannot seem to feel like we can get In Sync so that we feel felt
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by each other, We feel safe and secure by each other, and we
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communicate in a way that increases that sense of safety
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and security and doesn't decrease it.
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That's my interpretation of what they're ultimately telling me.
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I get where they're coming from. Hey, when we try to talk to each
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other, it seems to breakdown. Connection breaks down,
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communication breaks down. We need to work on
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communication, absolutely. But communication from from what
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they're really drilling down to and talking about is how does
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our nervous system respond to each other's communication style
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and the the emotional aspects behind what they're saying,
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especially the non verbal. Keep in mind one of the latest
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studies I've seen is 67% of communication is non verbal.
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And that's absolutely true with our attachment partners. 67% of
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communication is nonverbal. What that means is that when
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you're communicating with your partner, your right brain, which
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is your nonverbal brain side of the brain, is picking up all
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kinds of cues and is creating meaning from what your partner
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is saying, from the tone of their voice, from their facial
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expressions, from their body postures, everything from the
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tapping of their foot to the squinting of their eyes.
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All of that is registering in your non verbal side of your
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brain and it's processing that. So you may be hearing the words
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your partner says, but that's very different than what they
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might be trying to communicate. So if you grew up with
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inconsistent caregiving or emotional neglect, unpredictable
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reactions, criticism or shame, if you felt like you were
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walking on egg shells around your primary caretakers or you
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weren't being attuned to you know, your, your emotional life
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when you were in need, when you needed help, that sort of thing,
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then this is very much probably going to resonate with you.
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Because your system learned to communicate in ways that
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maximize safety and connection and survival.
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Which means your nervous system adapted to the environment you
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were in. Which means it built built
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survival strategies that were not based on security and
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safety. Not having consistent
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caregiving. Having people that didn't
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emotion neglect you, but rather were able to attune to you
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emotionally. It was safe for you to express
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your feelings. They showed up for the small
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things and built trust so you knew they would be there for the
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big things. There weren't unpredictable
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reactions. Your caregivers were consistent
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in their reactions. There wasn't criticism or shame.
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They took you seriously. They saw you, they knew you,
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they understood you. Those are styles of, of
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caregiving and parenting that create security and safety and
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ultimately a secure attachment style.
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And so it, it, it falls out that we obviously would learn to then
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communicate in a way that's based on more secure as opposed
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to insecure attachment. So your communication style
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today as an adult is actually rooted in your, your, your
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adaptation as a child, your childhood survival strategies.
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And This is why changing how you talk is so hard because you're
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not just changing words, but you're actually changing your
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pattern of protection. And so when we talk about how
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our trauma shapes our communication style, we're very
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much talking about how your nervous system adapted to an
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environment that learned how to keep you safe and, and it, and
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that adaptation directly informs your assessment of yourself and
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your partner and the world. It's rooted in those maps of
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yourself, your partner in the world.
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And so when you're trying to communicate, a lot of what is
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coming up for you and happening is your nervous system sending
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you signals that say, now don't say this, it's OK to say that
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now, be careful right here because it might cause a bad
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reaction, so on and so forth. And you're not thinking that
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verbally. You're not telling yourself
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that. But your nervous system is
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responding and reacting in that way.
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And so you know, as a child, when when we have to
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consistently adapt to these less than optimal experiences,
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especially when there is rupture in our primary families without
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repair, then our brain and body form patterns to learn how to
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communicate in order to keep us safe.
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Some of those patterns might be and see if you see if you
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identify with any of these hyper vigilance.
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So you're constantly scanning for tone or micro expressions or
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potential conflict from your caregivers.
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Have you ever noticed that you're very attuned to your
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partner? You're almost hyper vigilant to
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any size or facial expressions they might have Because that
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could be a danger cue to you? Well that means that more often
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than not, your communication is going to be shaped by that
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adaptive style you learned in the past.
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What about self silencing? Just simply suppressing your
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needs or opinions? Or I see this a lot in the more
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avoidance style of attachment because one of the ways they
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adapt is they turn off their attachment needs.
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They simply learn to turn it off.
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I'm an island unto myself, I don't need anybody.
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And so they self silence, they shut down, they censor
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themselves. They learn how not to express
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any wants, needs or wishes because they simply have learned
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that nobody is going to be there to respond to them even if they
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had them in the first place. There's the style of over
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explaining. Maybe you were shamed or
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criticized and so you constantly felt the need to defend
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yourself. So you were trying to prevent
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misunderstandings or potential rejection.
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And so everything came with a lot of explaining, a lot of, of
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extra words packed into everything, a lot of trying to
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acknowledge. Oh, but, and there's always this
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exception and this is what I'm saying, but this is what I also
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mean too. And I'm not trying to say this,
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but I'm, I'm trying to say that. And so sometimes it's just a
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wall of words because you're trying not to offend or upset or
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invite any potential rejection through misunderstanding.
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And so instead you over explain. Of course, there's the emotional
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withdrawal style, which is just protecting yourself from
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overwhelm. So what do you do?
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You emotionally shut down and, and you compartmentalize your
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emotions, one or all of them, so that you don't feel so
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emotionally overwhelmed. But what happens is you also
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suppress your own emotional information that helps you
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determine what's working for you and not working for you in this
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relationship. And it it, it actually keeps you
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stuck or frozen in time sometimes.
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What about people pleasing, staying connected by reducing
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threat, right? I'll just do whatever the other
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person wants. I'll just give in.
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I'll compromise. And I do that to protect the
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relationship because it's a lot easier than having conflict.
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It's a lot easier than trying to acknowledge I have wants or
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needs. It just makes things a lot
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better and a lot safer for me if I just simply simply people
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please and I, I can deal with it, I can take it and then we
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move on down the road. The problem with people pleasing
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is I've seen that it has an expiration date once, once
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somebody gets into a relationship and they've been
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into a relationship long enough and that could be months or it
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could be years. At some point the person
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decides, you know what, I have needs as well.
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I have some wants, I have some wishes, and I'm tired of just
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constantly bending to my partners will.
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And so they start to change the dynamic of the relationship and
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they don't do this by telling their partner, you know, I
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really am. I'm going to work on being more
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assertive. I feel like for years I've been
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not communicating to my own wants in this relationship.
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So I'm going to kind of work on changing that.
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And it might seem a little weird or strange at first, but if
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you'll support me in this, I would really love that.
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Instead, they just start coming in kind of rigid and almost
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overcompensating for the people pleasing and their partners.
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Just like, what is with you? Why all of a sudden are you
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angry and upset? You're changing the dynamic and
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I don't understand what's happened.
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So a lot of times with people pleasing, I see that there's an
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expiration date on that because they start to get to a point in
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a relationship where their need to have their own attachment
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longings met never goes away. And so as a result, they start
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overcompensating for that one. One of the ones that's most
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common, I think we all use this a defensive tone, which is
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protecting against anticipated criticism.
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Your partner says something and you use a tone back that's very
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defensive and that triggers your partner, which then ends up
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triggering you. And so when that happens, often
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times we invite in the very criticism that we're trying to
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avoid in the 1st place. Another one is minimizing.
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How about downplaying our needs to avoid being a burden?
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And finally, aggressive directiveness using intensity to
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prevent vulnerability. I see this a lot because rooted
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in the insecure attachment style is the, the, the, the potential
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prevention of vulnerability. If you're a more avoidance style
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of attachment because of your trauma, then making yourself
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vulnerable is, is making yourself susceptible to harm,
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which is kind of circular reasoning, I realized, because
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that could very well be the definition of vulnerability.
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But it's that potential to harm that that your body and your
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nervous system says don't go there under any circumstances.
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Don't be vulnerable, shut it down, lock it U.
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And of course, if you're more on the anxious attachment style,
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then you're you feel like you're vulnerable all the time, but
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it's a wall of emotions. It's not a true vulnerability
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that settled into anyone particular emotion.
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So it's almost an avoidance of vulnerability by having so much
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anxiety and so much overwhelm of emotions that you're not able to
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really sort through what it is that you're longing for and
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you're needing other than say your partner to help soothe you.
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And so we can often times come in a little bit aggressive and
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directive in order to prevent that kind of vulnerability.
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So those are just some of the ways that our past can shape our
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communication style. Let's talk about what are the
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three most common styles of communication.
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And this will come as no surprise that we're going to
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talk about the anxious style, we're going to talk about the
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avoidance style, and we're going to talk about the disorganized
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style. So if our communication style is
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shaped by our protective strategies born out of our past
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trauma, then what does that look like in our current
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relationships? What does that look like in
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reality? Well the anxious style is I need
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closeness and reassurance in order to feel safe.
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So that may mean we over explain or we send very long text.
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Let me tell you, if I had a dollar for every time an
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anxiously attached person sent their partner a text a mile
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long, I would be a rich rich man.
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Because often times it feels a little bit safer to put their
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anxiety and what their want and need in a text.
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But they end up sending these really long texts to their
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partner. And of course the partner, who's
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probably more avoidant in their style, looks at this and says
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this is totally overwhelming. I'm at work right now.
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I don't have time to look at this and often doesn't the
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entire thing. And I I often think of the
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episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel are on one of their
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potential breakups, but maybe trying to get back together and
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Rachel writes him a note at 5:00 in the morning.
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In this, it's actually a handwritten letter.
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And you know, he doesn't finish the whole thing because it was
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11 pages long. And then the big punchline is
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front and back. And so, you know, she's
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constantly, you know, feeling, you know, writing this furious
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letter to him, trying to get him to take responsibility.
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And it was so long he fell asleep and so on and so forth.
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So, you know, certainly long text over explaining can happen.
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What about seeking clarity or reassurance mid conversation or
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fear of being misunderstood? A lot of times what I hear from
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people that fall into the more anxious style of attachment is
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that they they feel like they're too much.
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They're just too much for people.
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And underneath all of that is a yearning to feel good enough.
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And that's not really that much different than a more avoidance
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style that feels like they want to be good enough too, because
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their messages they've always gotten is they aren't good
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enough that, that, that there's something wrong with them.
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They can't measure up. They can't get it right for
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their partner. The anxious person feels a
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little bit that way as well for a little bit different reasons,
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but they're they're trying to constantly seek reassurance and
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seek connection and their fear is being misunderstood.
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And so oftentimes they will come with a wall of words and a wall
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of anxiety to their partner. They will certainly read into
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the tone of their partner. They can over analyze at times.
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This is why they're anxious Brain never stops because it's
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constantly trying to figure out how can I get acceptance from my
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partner? How can I get the love that I
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really want and desire and need. And so they read into tone, they
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read into facial expressions. They might spiral after a
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conflict. And as a result, you know,
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they'll stay up all night long. They may not get any sleep and
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then they look over at their partner who is more avoidant and
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and he or she is sleeping like a baby and that just angers them
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even more. They may apologize excessively
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at times or avoid pauses in texting or conversation.
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So they, you know, they again, it's just a wall of words and
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then they may have difficulty ending conversations.
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And they, they do this because they may feel like there's the
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lack of resolve there for them, a lack of repair and resolution.
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So they really, they're driven to try to talk about it and talk
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about it and talk about it, which can completely wear down
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their partner. But they're doing that because
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they're trying to get to a place emotionally where they feel like
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there's some resolution. They feel really heard and
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understood and they feel like there's some sense of repair.
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So what's going on internally for this partner, this partner
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who's more anxiously attached? You're trying to close the gap
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between you and the other person by reducing the fear of
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abandonment. Remember, a lot of times anxious
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attachment style was born out of inconsistent parenting,
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inconsistent caregiving, and so you don't know when your
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partner's going to actually show up and be there for you.
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That's part of what created the anxiety.
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And what the anxiety is saying is that we have to be able to
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reduce this fear of abandonment. And so to make sure they're not
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leaving, you may engage all these different strategies.
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All right, What about the more avoidance style?
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Maybe you'll recognize some of these either in yourself or your
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partner, and so is the more avoidance style.
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Your job is to protect yourself by staying in control and
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creating space. Creating space from your partner
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and staying in control of yourself emotionally.
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You're going to lock down your attachment longings.
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And so, as I've said before, this is often shaped by
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emotional neglect, lack of attunement, or being even shamed
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for expressing our needs in the past.
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And this particular style of communication very much can be
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brief or minimal responses, avoidance of heavy
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conversations. They may shift the conversation
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or tell a joke in order to for things to get too deep or too
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serious. They may shut down when someone
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is upset. They don't know how to handle
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vulnerable feelings because they themselves don't want to be
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vulnerable. They may change the subject, or
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they certainly will intellectualize their emotions.
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A lot of times, the more avoidance style needs time to
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process heavy conversations. They are not good at coming up
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on a whim and being able to respond to their partner because
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they've got to really shift through what this feels like,
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what they think about it. How can I get my head around
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what's happening here? They're trying to
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intellectualize what this means as opposed to being able to draw
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on their feelings and trust their feelings to inform them
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and deliver that important information to them about how
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they might want to act or respond.
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They've cut that part of themselves off and as a result
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they they are working from a deficit because they don't have
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that emotional information that can inform their their
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relational wants and needs. So they tend to intellectualize
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things a lot. They may withdraw without
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complaining and they may communicate through actions more
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than words. So their partner says I need
23:12
more help. They don't really respond in the
23:15
moment because they feel attacked, but the next thing you
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know, they're starting to help more around the house.
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They haven't said anything. They've never really repaired
23:24
that conversation or acknowledged to their partner.
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Yes, I hear you. This is something I'll work on.
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I'll, I'll, I want to be a partner.
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You can be proud of whatever that might be.
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But instead they just kind of start doing things.
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And so often times they will communicate more through actions
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than words. And then finally, they may
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become irritated when they're trying to express their needs.
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And certainly they they can emotionally remove themselves,
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they can intellectualize the conversations, they avoid being
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vulnerable, they avoid going deep at times in conversations.
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And if they feel like they can't avoid conflict, then it's very
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common for the more avoidance style to then explode and get
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upset and get very angry. A lot of times it's because
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they're holding stuff in, or a lot of times it's because they
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need a substance to help sort of lower their inhibitions.
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And that's when they can sort of open up and talk.
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And I've seen that a lot in relationships where the only
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time you express yourself says their partner is when you've had
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something to drink. And all of a sudden it all comes
24:34
out and you're critical of me and you tell me how you feel.
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And you've been holding on to stuff for weeks or months.
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And I had no idea that this stuff was bothering you.
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So with the avoidance style, it's all about trying to prevent
24:50
losing their autonomy. Remember, nobody was there for
24:54
them. They feel like they're an island
24:56
under themselves. The worst thing in the world
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they can imagine is actually being dependent on somebody else
25:03
emotionally. So they tried to avoid that by
25:07
shutting down their attachment longings by using minimal words
25:12
and all the other communication styles and patterns I just
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mentioned. Because at the heart of it all
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is that their system has learned that closeness means that they
25:22
will become overwhelmed and more likely they will invite more
25:27
criticism or shame if they start to get overwhelmed.
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OK, what about the disorganized style?
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This one, if you'll recall, is a bit tricky because the
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disorganized style doesn't fall into any explicit categories
25:45
like avoidant or anxious, but rather it's a going back and
25:50
forth. This style is very much
25:51
characterized by I want closeness, but closeness scares
25:55
me. Come here, I need you.
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I love you. Now you're overwhelming me.
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Now you're smothering me. Get away.
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I can't stand you. Kind of a pattern.
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And so this communication pattern is very unpredictable
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and it might shift between clinging and distance.
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It's feeling very unsafe expressing emotions and it's a
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very emotion, emotionally labile, meaning it's it may be
26:21
very high intense emotions and then it may be very soft, almost
26:26
imperceptible emotions. So there is this, this, you
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know, a roller coaster ride of emotions.
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With partners like this, trusting your, your, yourself,
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your own perception is very difficult.
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They often they don't know what they feel.
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They feel confused. They don't know if they trust
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their own feelings. They're not, they're not rooted
26:48
and grounded in themselves. They have a fear of abandonment
26:53
and a fear of being controlled. They can be explosive in in
26:58
their communication style under stress and pressure.
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They can shut down abruptly and then re engage and re emerge as
27:06
if nothing's happened. And they can definitely read
27:10
threats in sometimes very neutral interactions.
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So the disorganized style is always on the lookout and their
27:21
nervous system is primed to read any potential threats of either
27:28
being overwhelmed and smothered or being abandoned and rejected.
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So they ultimately struggle to be safe and secure in
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relationships. And they're, they're constantly
27:43
looking for threats of, of too much or too little and, and they
27:49
don't often know how to respond. And so they can, they can miss
27:54
read their partner, they can miss read other people's
27:58
intentions. They can miss, read and project
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into others that they're going to reject them or abandoned them
28:07
and and they can react to that because they can't even trust
28:11
themselves or have the ability at times to be able to reflect
28:15
and think. Am I reading too much into that?
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Oh, they probably didn't mean that.
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I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt.
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They probably didn't mean it that way.
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They said it and had a little bit of a tone to it.
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Maybe they were frustrated, but maybe it wasn't at me.
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There's not that self soothing capacity that allows them to
28:34
talk themselves off the ledge when they are reading into
28:38
things. And so with the disorganized
28:41
attachment style, it's more like the attachment system.
28:45
It's sending mixed signals, you know, go closer and yet back
28:50
away all at the same time. And ultimately they're just
28:54
trying to find safety. That doesn't hurt.
28:58
They just don't know how to do it.
29:01
OK, well, those are the three most common.
29:04
Different attachment styles or communication styles.
29:08
Excuse me, Through our different attachment strategies that we
29:12
adopt, how do we then shift more into a secure style so that we
29:18
can have a secure style of communication?
29:21
One of the things that's really important is to be able to know
29:24
your nervous system. I should coin that.
29:27
That's a great phrase. Know your nervous system.
29:29
Know your attachment style. Know how you lean during times
29:34
of stress and disconnection one way or the other.
29:37
Anxious, avoidant, disorganized. Know how at times you can read
29:42
into your partner's non verbal cues and how that triggers your
29:47
trauma. So know your nervous system and
29:51
when it gets triggered. When you go into fight, flight
29:54
or otentially freeze or fawn shut down, you need to be able
29:57
to stay grounded and clear and connected.
30:00
Get yourself back in the window so you know grounded techniques
30:05
like feeling your feet on the floor.
30:07
Do the 54321 name, five colors in the room for objects, three
30:15
things you can touch, so on and so forth.
30:18
Do some breath work. Breath works extremely
30:21
important, right? So stop, slow your breath, focus
30:26
in, inhale for four, that count of four, hold it for the count
30:31
of four, exhale for the count of 6.
30:34
This helps realign your nervous system.
30:38
And then, you know, place your hand on your chest and just feel
30:42
your beating heart for a moment and then repeat things like
30:45
you're safe. You're safe right here, right
30:48
now. You're safe in this moment.
30:51
And so being able to slow your nervous system down is really
30:55
important. Use parts language in order to
30:59
reduce shame. I have a part that gets scared
31:02
when there's silence. I have a part that wants space
31:06
right now. Using up a part of you as
31:09
opposed to something like, well, this is all of me.
31:12
This is the totality of who I am.
31:15
Think about yourself more in parts than than as a cohesive or
31:20
solid whole. Because the part of you that's
31:23
traumatized is not the same part of you that longs and strives
31:28
for a sense of safety and security in your relationship.
31:32
That part of you is not dead. That part of you is constantly
31:37
alive and constantly striving for ways to get your needs met.
31:41
I see this in every person I've ever treated ever in the course
31:45
of my career. That part of you is not dead,
31:49
it's always alive. You cannot extinguish your
31:52
attachment drive. You can hurt it, you can wound
31:56
it, you can protect it through different strategies, but you
31:59
cannot extinguish it. So think about yourself in terms
32:03
of different parts. That can be really helpful at
32:05
times too. Being able to name your internal
32:09
experience and not the others intention.
32:13
This is a really important one to focus in more on yourself as
32:17
opposed to your partner and so that you're not, you're not so
32:21
focused on your partner's intentions, but more on what's
32:25
happening for you internally. Healthy couples control
32:29
themselves, not each other. Healthy couples, when they feel
32:33
like there's a conflict or a rupture happening, one of the
32:38
first things they do is they begin to work on controlling
32:41
themselves. How can I stay regulated in this
32:45
moment? What do I need in this moment?
32:47
How can I stay in the window of tolerance?
32:50
How can I keep calm so I can hear my partner and also
32:54
communicate my own wants and needs?
32:57
So these types of things are really important in terms of
33:01
being able to focus on your own experience and communicating
33:05
from your own experience. How about expressing needs
33:09
clearly and gently? It would be really helpful.
33:13
Can I have some reassurance in this moment?
33:15
I can. I can feel myself kind of
33:18
starting to really slip and slide down that rabbit hole that
33:21
says, you know, you don't love me anymore and, and this is over
33:26
with and I'm starting to panic a little bit.
33:28
Is there any reassurance you can give me right now?
33:31
How about I need a little bit of space?
33:33
I'm still here. I want to hear you.
33:35
I can we just take down the tone for a minute?
33:37
I'm starting to feel myself get triggered and I'm starting to
33:40
feel myself sort of detached from my emotions and shut down
33:43
like I know I do. And so can we just kind of take
33:46
down the intensity would really help me be able to stay engaged
33:51
in this conversation. And then last but certainly not
33:54
least, how can we repair more quickly, secure people, They
34:00
aren't perfect. They repair and and we certainly
34:04
repeat what we don't repair. That sort of a, a mantra you've
34:08
heard me say many times on this podcast, We repeat what we don't
34:12
repair. And so if we effectively repair,
34:16
then what happens is we learn what happened in that
34:18
interaction and we can drill down to the emotions, the deeper
34:23
meanings, and the cycle that gets created from those
34:28
interactions. And we know what happens and how
34:33
we learn to repair. So how do we get back on the
34:36
same page? What shifted us from being in
34:39
our protective stance to more open and vulnerable to be able
34:43
to hear and understand each other better?
34:45
So we learned how to repair more quickly, which ultimately allows
34:50
us to stay connected longer. OK, I hope this was helpful to
34:56
you today. It was a little bit longer one
34:58
than usual, but I really felt like this was so important to
35:02
talk about given how much people come in our coaching program or
35:08
simply come to me in my clinic and they want to work on
35:12
communication. Often times working on
35:14
communication is understanding your protective strategy that
35:19
has shown so significantly shaped your style of
35:23
communication. Thank you so much for listening.
35:25
My name is Tom Phillip and I'm here to remind you to stay
35:29
grounded, clear and connected.