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51. Dealing with Envy · Burning Brightly

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You're listening to Burning Brightly, episode 51, Dealing
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With Envy.
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This is Burning Brightly, a podcast for Christian
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moms who are feeling called to build a
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business and share their light with the world.
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I'm Bonnie Wiscombe, a life coach, mom, and
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entrepreneur.
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And I'm honored to be your guide as
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you face this business building adventure full of
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highs, lows, and everything in between.
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This is where we help each other find
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the courage to shine.
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Hello, my friend.
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Today's episode is all about that little green
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monster we like to call envy.
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It's not a fun emotion.
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You might not think this is very fun
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to listen to, but I promise you, you're
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going to come away with some takeaways that
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are going to change your life when it
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comes to feeling jealousy, envy, frustration that maybe
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someone has or has built something that you
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want.
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Now, today we're going to talk primarily about
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the envy in regards to business.
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When we look at what someone else has
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built or we're worried about what we are
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building.
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But honestly, some of these tips will help
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you across the board in all areas of
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your life, no matter what you might feel
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envy surrounding.
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Now, all of us who are human have
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experienced this emotion at some point or another.
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And envy, frankly, feels pretty darn terrible.
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Most of the time, I just want to
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get rid of it.
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It feels awful.
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I kind of sit and wallow in it
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sometimes.
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It makes me feel terrible about myself.
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It makes me feel terrible about my relationships
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because envy tends to break down relationships as
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well.
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But it's also important to remember that it
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is a normal human emotion.
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So we're going to have no judgment for
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ourselves when we feel envy.
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We're just going to let it move through
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us.
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We're going to process it and then we're
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going to let it go.
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That's what I'm going to teach you today.
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So another thing to remember about any emotion
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that we experience is this.
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Emotions give us information.
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So before I learned about life coaching and
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about how powerful our emotions and thoughts are
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and how to have power over them, I
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just thought that when I felt a certain
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emotion that I didn't want, it kind of
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meant something bad about me, right?
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If I was envious, that meant that I
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was bad.
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I was a sinner.
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There was something wrong with me.
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And now I don't look at it like
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that anymore.
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I just look at emotion as information.
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It means that something is happening in my
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brain to create this emotion, this vibration in
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my body, and I'm going to learn why
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and what it can mean for me and
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if I want to keep it or let
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it go.
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So now when I feel envy or any
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other emotion that I dislike and I want
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to get rid of, I don't immediately drop
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it.
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I'm not in a real big hurry to
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let it go because I want to learn
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from it first.
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I also try not to hate it.
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I don't give myself a hard time about
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it and judge myself and tell myself how
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terrible I am for feeling envious.
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I just allow myself to feel it, to
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learn from it, and then it is so
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much easier to let it go once we've
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learned what it's there to teach us.
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So the first thing I've learned that envy
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teaches me over the years is that it
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teaches me what I want.
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Isn't that interesting?
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I realized that it is actually quite useful.
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Envy sometimes can fuel my dreams.
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Now I don't want to make a habit
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of feeling it all the time.
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I actually want to learn to feel it
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less often.
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But whenever it comes up for me now,
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it helps me get to places I've never
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even dreamed of.
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So for example, let's say a friend travels
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to Australia and posts all her videos and
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photos about it on social media.
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Envy teaches me that I want that.
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If someone travels to Istanbul and I don't
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feel envious, I think, oh, I guess Istanbul
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isn't on my bucket list.
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I don't really want that.
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But Australia apparently, I do because envy came
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up for me.
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So I just listen to it and I
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learn from it and I acknowledge, oh, maybe
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it's time to put Australia on my bucket
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list because that looked really fun.
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When a business acquaintance creates maybe, let's say,
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a successful membership that you've been dreaming of,
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or a friend buys a new car that
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looks really cool, or someone gets in incredible
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physical shape and does all these triathlons or
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something, and you feel envy for any of
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those things, you get to learn, oh, my
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brain wants that.
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That looks appealing to me.
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That seems exciting to me.
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That looks fun.
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I want to try that.
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You can add it to your vision board
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or your bucket list or your dream list.
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By the way, all of us should have
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one of these things, a place to write
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down things that we want to accomplish or
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build or places to go.
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I think it's really powerful when we're building
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our dreams.
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But that's what I use Envy for, is
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to acknowledge, oh, that is something that I
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want.
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Oh, now I know.
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And then I get to kind of watch
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a little bit and think, oh, what did
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it take them to get there?
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Maybe logistically, right?
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Oh, they had to be able to afford
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a plane ticket to Australia and find a
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place to stay.
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It looks like they went on this safari.
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That looks pretty cool.
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So logistically, I figure out what it's going
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to take.
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But then also, just acknowledging that that's a
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priority for me.
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Maybe travel hadn't been a huge priority for
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me before.
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And seeing that, I acknowledge, oh, I'm going
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to have to start budgeting for some travel
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because that is a lot more important to
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me than I realized.
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Now, I know this sounds kind of ideal,
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right?
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Most of the time when Envy comes, we're
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not thinking positively.
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We're not thinking in a productive manner about,
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oh, now I know what I want.
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Very often, Envy comes from this place of
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what we like to call dirty pain.
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It feels yucky.
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It feels gross.
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It feels combative sometimes.
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And we want to get rid of that
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aspect of it.
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So what that looks like for me is
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wishing that I had the thing instead of
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my friend.
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So my friend travels to Australia and I
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think, oh, why did she get that instead
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of me?
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I've worked harder than her.
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I deserve it more, etc.
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Do you see how that feels very different?
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And it feels definitely like an emotion we
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want to get rid of when we're coming
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at it from that way.
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Or even looking at my perfectly amazing life
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and all of the things that I have
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and saying, oh, it's not enough.
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I wish my life were different.
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I wish it were like her life.
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So that's kind of the dirty negative aspect
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of Envy that we want to maybe let
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go of, because that does feel a lot
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worse than just thinking, oh, now I know
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that's something that I want.
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So we're going to look at part of
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the dirty pain side of Envy and how
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to move through that as well.
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All right.
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So a big, I would call relatively negative
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emotion that accompanies Envy for me is disappointment.
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And what that looks like for me is
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that it makes me think that I'm not
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successful in meeting my goals and dreams.
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Maybe I worry that somehow I've missed the
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boat.
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I'm disappointed in myself that I'm too late.
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Somebody else reached this dream before me, or
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everyone else is doing it faster than me
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or better than me.
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Recently, a coach I followed for a while
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created a new program in her business that
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is very similar to what I want to
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launch eventually.
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I'm not ready for it yet, but eventually
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down the road, I want to launch a
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program very similar to this one.
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And I had some Envy come up.
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I felt disappointment along with that Envy and
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thinking, oh, she beat me to it.
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Which now, looking back, I think that's a
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very unuseful thought, but that's what came up
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for me.
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She beat me to it, and now there's
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no room for me, which we'll talk about
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that in a second.
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So that disappointment part for me is more
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clean pain, and I want to acknowledge that.
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Acknowledge that that hurts to see somebody else
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build something that you've always wanted to, and
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they did it first.
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Acknowledge that maybe you thought you'd already be
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there, or you wish things had gone by
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faster, or that you had grown bigger in
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the time you'd been given.
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And let yourself be disappointed in this for
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a while or however long it takes.
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Disappointment feels better than Envy anyway, so just
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embrace that one and go, yeah, it does
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feel disappointing to see somebody reach something that
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I had dreamed of.
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But then, we need to remember that there
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is actually room in this world for all
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of us.
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Every last one of us, every last dream,
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every last hope, there exists space for all
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of it.
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And every last talent that we have, there's
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room to grow it.
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God created us this way on purpose.
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He would never have duplicated two humans exactly
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the same, because there's no need for two
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humans that are exactly the same.
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There's need for each one of us and
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our unique talents and strengths.
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I promise you this.
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So if you struggle to believe this, work
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on this belief.
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Work on this belief for yourself.
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Maybe write it down, repeat it to yourself,
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and acknowledge that you probably, like me, believe
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that God created you the way you are
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for a reason.
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There is no other you exactly like you,
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so there's no reason to be disappointed if
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someone gets their dream ahead of yours, because
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yours is going to look a little different
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anyway.
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It will actually look better for you, and
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perfectly suited for you, for your desires, for
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your wants, and for your strengths.
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So similar to disappointment, but maybe a little
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bit less clean feeling, is self-criticism.
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Sometimes self-criticism comes up for me.
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I started my coaching business in my 40s.
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So very often, what comes up for me
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is that I should have started sooner.
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I wish I were younger when I had
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started it.
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I like to think that I'm too old,
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or it's too late, or somehow I did
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something wrong.
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And if it's not disappointment coming, then it
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might be self-criticism.
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Gosh, if only you had done this before.
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If only you had found this earlier.
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If only, whatever.
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But looking back at my life with an
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eye of self-criticism feels terrible.
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And I also personally really dislike criticizing my
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past self.
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I kind of look at her as a
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different version of me, and I want to
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acknowledge that she was doing the best she
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could do at that time with what she
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had.
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She did a great job, honestly.
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She raised a lot of babies while building
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businesses.
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She was exhausted a lot of the time,
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and she still managed to get up and
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work on the things that were important to
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her.
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I am not going to criticize her at
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all.
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I'm going to give her all the credit
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that is due.
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And I'm going to acknowledge that the me
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of today is doing the same thing.
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So step into a place of compassion and
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awe for yourself, especially that past self.
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Look at what she's done.
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Look what she overcame.
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Look at her struggles, and how she came
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out on top, and all of the things
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that she managed to accomplish.
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Even if they don't look the way you
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wish they did, she still did exactly what
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she was supposed to do and live the
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life she was supposed to have.
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And then you get to look at how
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far you've come.
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I love the concept of the gap and
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the gain.
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I talk about it all the time.
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If you're not familiar with it, go back
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to episode 23.
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It's called Living in the Gain, and I
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give a summary of that book and of
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how important it is to look at our
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lives looking backwards and acknowledging how far we've
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come instead of constantly looking at how far
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we'd like to go.
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Because after all, you would never want your
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future self to look back at the you
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of today and think, gosh, what was she
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doing all day?
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Be mean to you.
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No.
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Every day has the struggles and successes it's
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supposed to have.
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So just let it be and stop wishing
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that things were different.
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I know it's a struggle, but we can
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do it.
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I promise.
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All right.
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Another thing that envy brings up for me
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sometimes is imposter syndrome.
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Another struggle that we just talked about two
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episodes ago.
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There's a whole episode on imposter syndrome.
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So go listen to that if you missed
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it.
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But when I see others get or have
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or build things that I want, sometimes I
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feel dumb, like I don't belong, like there's
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something wrong with me.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm just not expert
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enough or not hardworking enough, or I just
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don't have what it takes.
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And when I look at my thoughts like
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this, I want to decide why I'm thinking
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this way, because we've talked about this before.
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Our brain doesn't come up with thoughts for
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no reason.
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It's usually trying to protect us or trying
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to save us from failure or embarrassment in
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some way.
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So I try to look at those thoughts
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and analyze them.
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Why am I thinking this way?
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Why do I feel like I don't belong
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or like I'm dumb or something is missing?
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Sometimes I ask myself, do I think that
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someone better, quote unquote, qualified would have had
10:52
success already?
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Do I think that someone that I needed
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to be more talented in some way or
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work harder?
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What do I think I'm missing?
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And very often my brain doesn't have an
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answer for that.
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I just think, oh, I just don't belong.
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So kind of hold your feet to the
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fire a little bit and say, yeah, but
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what am I missing?
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Why am I an imposter?
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Why do I not belong here?
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And very often your brain won't have an
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answer for that.
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And then you're able to move through those
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thoughts.
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But again, be so compassionate and curious with
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yourself.
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Have a heart to heart talk with that
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version of yourself that's feeling like she doesn't
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belong.
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Maybe there's something deep there that you need
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to take a look at and then acknowledge
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what is going right while still acknowledging the
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pain of unmet expectations and dreams.
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Did you know you can hold this, these
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two things in your brain at the same
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time?
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I can acknowledge that, hey, I'm doing a
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lot really well.
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I'm getting up every day and working on
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my business.
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I am trying even when it feels like
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things aren't going right.
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And I can also still hold compassion for
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myself that I haven't yet met the goals
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that I want to meet.
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And that's okay.
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It's okay to feel some pain there and
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wish that it were a little bit different.
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This is one of the greatest gifts I've
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been able to give myself through life coaching
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is the gift of being able to hold
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two seemingly opposite emotions in my mind at
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the same time.
12:07
I can feel happy and sad at the
12:09
same time.
12:09
I can feel excited and proud and also
12:12
a little disappointed at the same time.
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It actually feels kind of good to acknowledge
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the whole gamut of my human experience and
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not just always trying to find the good.
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So try it out.
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It might help you.
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Above all, please do not give up on
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your dream simply because you think it's taking
12:25
longer than it should or because it feels
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like that dream doesn't belong to you yet.
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It totally will, but we have to hold
12:32
space for it before it's real.
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I know I've talked before about believing in
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your business before it exists.
12:37
This is a tricky thing and something we
12:38
have to practice regularly, but I promise you,
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you'll get better at it the more you
12:42
try it.
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So do not give up yet.
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Just keep believing that it is coming.
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Now, the last part of envy that sometimes
12:48
comes up for me is wondering if maybe
12:49
I chose the wrong path or if God
12:52
somehow forgot about me.
12:54
Sometimes I'll have this dream and I have
12:55
a very clear vision of how it's going
12:57
to come to pass.
12:59
And shocker, my journey never looks like my
13:01
vision.
13:02
It never turns out the way I expected.
13:04
Always different.
13:05
Sometimes better.
13:06
Sometimes I think worse.
13:07
But regardless, it's always going to be a
13:09
little bit different than how you envision it.
13:12
And this emotion that accompanies envy, this wondering
13:14
if maybe I chose the wrong path, I
13:15
think is the most insidious of all because
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it feels a little bit like resignation and
13:19
wanting to quit, right?
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We see somebody else's success and we think,
13:21
oh, I'll never get there.
13:23
I'll never be like that.
13:24
I'll never succeed like that.
13:26
Things don't match up to our expectations and
13:28
so we want to quit.
13:30
But the first thing to remember in this
13:31
one is that envy cannot exist without comparison.
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So if we want to eliminate envy, we
13:36
can work on eliminating comparison.
13:38
Start noticing comparison early.
13:41
Sometimes I start noticing that comparison actually makes
13:43
me feel good.
13:44
Maybe I'll compare myself to others and I
13:46
think maybe I have something over them and
13:48
it starts to make me feel good about
13:49
myself.
13:49
That is just as insidious.
13:51
So make sure you get rid of that
13:52
one as soon as possible.
13:54
So nip comparison in the bud every single
13:56
time no matter how it makes you feel
13:57
because even if you're kind of feeling better
13:59
about yourself than another person, eventually it's going
14:02
to flip on its head.
14:03
And either way, that comparison is not Christ
14:05
-like.
14:06
So let's get rid of it.
14:08
Secondly, stop looking at your journey as a
14:10
before and after.
14:11
I am still working on this like daily,
14:13
but it's so powerful.
14:15
For many, many years, I was thinking, you
14:17
know, I'm not where I want to be
14:18
now, but when I get clients, then I'll
14:21
feel successful.
14:22
Or when I make X number of dollars,
14:24
then I'll have arrived.
14:25
Or when I'm able to buy this thing,
14:28
then I know my business is taking off.
14:30
And you can see how this works, right?
14:31
Like I reached the goal and then I
14:33
just push it off for another one.
14:34
Again, the gap and the gain again, right?
14:36
That same concept.
14:37
As soon as I got clients, I thought,
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well, now I just need X number of
14:40
clients and I get X number of clients.
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I think, well, actually now I want more,
14:43
right?
14:44
It never ends.
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So we have to look back at how
14:46
far we've come and celebrate every milestone.
14:50
Looking at your business as a before and
14:51
after will cheat you out of all these
14:53
little amazing milestones that you hit along the
14:56
way.
14:56
And I'm talking every little one.
14:58
I remember one time I had a really
15:00
tricky, troublesome, technological problem.
15:02
I think it was with my website.
15:04
I was so frustrated.
15:05
I could not figure this thing out.
15:06
And when I finally figured it out, I
15:08
think I went and bought myself a treat
15:10
or something.
15:10
I can't remember, but I celebrated it because
15:12
it was something that drove me so crazy
15:14
and I worked so hard on.
15:15
Now, no one outside of me will ever
15:17
know about that struggle and that success.
15:19
It's not going to be written in my
15:21
bio anywhere.
15:21
I'm probably never going to talk about it
15:23
on stage anywhere, but it was important to
15:25
me that I persevered and I pushed through
15:27
that challenge and I celebrated it because I
15:29
wanted to and I felt so good about
15:31
pushing through.
15:32
So don't forget to celebrate every milestone.
15:34
Finishing your website, setting up your email service
15:36
provider, talking to your first potential client, anything,
15:39
anything that gets you a step forward, celebrate
15:41
that.
15:42
I actually have a best friend who is
15:43
also an entrepreneur.
15:44
And sometimes when we've both had a little
15:47
success, we will get on the phone together
15:49
and we will drive to Dairy Queen together,
15:50
even though we're in different states, and we'll
15:52
get an ice cream cone at the same
15:54
time to celebrate those wins.
15:55
And it's really fun to have a friend
15:56
do that with you as well.
15:57
Now, another thing I say all the time
15:59
is you cannot enjoy the end of a
16:00
journey that was miserable the whole way there.
16:03
It's almost impossible.
16:05
If your business journey is miserable on the
16:08
way there, the end is not going to
16:09
feel any different.
16:10
It's going to feel similarly miserable.
16:12
Your brain just doesn't know how to switch
16:14
into success mode.
16:15
So step into success mode now.
16:18
Enjoy it now.
16:19
There is no rule that says you have
16:20
to make $50,000 before you can enjoy
16:23
your business.
16:23
There's no rule that says you even have
16:24
to have one paying client to enjoy your
16:26
business.
16:27
Just enjoy it now.
16:28
Step into the phase you are now and
16:30
learn to appreciate where you are now.
16:32
I'll tell you that when I didn't have
16:33
any clients, I remember thinking, oh, it's so
16:35
frustrating.
16:36
I just want to help someone.
16:36
And instead, one day I decided, you know
16:38
what?
16:39
I can actually not work on my business
16:40
for a whole week.
16:41
And it doesn't matter.
16:42
I can take whatever time I want with
16:44
my family.
16:45
And it doesn't matter because I don't have
16:46
any paying clients yet.
16:47
And then all of a sudden, something that
16:49
was a point of shame for me not
16:51
yet having clients turned into a point of
16:53
celebration.
16:54
Actually, I have a lot more freedom than
16:56
some of my friends who already have paying
16:57
clients.
16:57
And I was able to enjoy that phase
16:59
so much more.
17:01
So there's no rules that says you can
17:03
only celebrate certain milestones or you can't enjoy
17:05
the phases that are the building phases.
17:07
You can enjoy every step.
17:09
So this is why God called you to
17:12
build a business, not for the enjoyment of
17:14
the after phase, but for the growth that
17:16
comes along the way.
17:17
I firmly believe that there is so much
17:19
for us to learn and grow along the
17:20
way.
17:20
Let's enjoy every step of it.
17:22
Now, lastly, let's talk about feeling that maybe
17:24
God has forsaken you or left you behind
17:26
because you haven't reached your goal like everyone
17:28
else has.
17:29
God is so keenly aware of you and
17:31
he knows your innermost dreams, whether you tell
17:33
him or not.
17:34
He will not abandon you and he will
17:36
continue helping you get there if you keep
17:38
asking.
17:39
And we remain humble, right?
17:41
And looking for God's answers to us.
17:43
I keep listening for course corrections all along
17:45
the way.
17:46
Sometimes I have needed to give up something
17:48
good for something better.
17:50
When my businesses have shifted, sometimes it has
17:52
been hard to give up something I've worked
17:53
really hard on, but I've acknowledged that God
17:56
is calling me to something better and I've
17:57
let it go.
17:58
So when I've needed a course correction, it
18:00
doesn't feel like some of these emotions we've
18:03
talked about.
18:03
It doesn't feel like envy.
18:04
It doesn't feel like crushing defeat or self
18:06
-criticism or disappointment.
18:07
It just feels like a whisper.
18:09
It feels like maybe a little tinge of
18:10
discontent or just an idea that won't leave
18:12
me alone, that maybe I should try this
18:14
thing, this new thing.
18:16
So I lean into that and I try
18:17
to be flexible and then acknowledge that God
18:19
will take you wherever he can use you
18:21
most.
18:22
And his plans are always greater than our
18:24
plans.
18:25
So remember to trust him and acknowledge that
18:27
he has your best interest at heart.
18:29
I can't wait to see where he takes
18:30
you.
18:34
Are you ready to start or grow your
18:36
dream business?
18:37
Click the link in the show notes to
18:38
download the free starter guide to building a
18:40
business or to schedule a free coaching call
18:41
with me.
18:42
And if you loved this episode, don't forget
18:44
to leave a review and share it with
18:45
a friend who might be feeling the call
18:47
to burn a little brighter.