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Relationship series: Recognizing red flags · Spending time with Dr. Christina

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  Welcome back to my podcast spending time with
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  dr. Christina. We're in season 9 episode 4 of
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  the relationship series and today we're talking
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  about red flags and I think this is important
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  because So many different people I guess when
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  you listen to some of my messages and hey does
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  this apply does this apply and Especially the
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  last message on believing in people Lot of you
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  are at a place where you just don't know what
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  direction to go in So let's talk about this.
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  Let's flush it out the best we can and please
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  feel free to ask your questions on the podcast
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  it's a voicemail system and so many of you are
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  seeking clarity and I further want to say that
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  if you are in a place where You know, you're
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  in an abusive relationship, please get help stop
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  and see a counselor there's so many free counselors
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  out there 800 numbers just google them you can
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  find someone to talk to to sort out and get you
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  the help where you need to go so let's begin
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  now red flags in a relationship and this can
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  be again any kind of relationship but especially
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  personal relationships you know maybe you're
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  in a marriage or you're in a boyfriend girlfriend
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  things like that let's focus on that because
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  a lot of you that are out there today have endured
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  quite a bit and you just don't know what to do
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  and how to go forward and if your situation is
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  as really as bad as you think well Let me give
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  you a hint. If you think that it's bad, then
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  it is bad. So a lot of folks that are in relationships
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  are in denial about how bad and how abusive it
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  can be or how bad and abusive that person actually
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  is to you. When we talk about red flags, they
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  can be subtle. Sometimes you just don't notice
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  the gingerly type of disrespect. And then it
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  advances and advances to more and then you find
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  yourself in a position where Wow How did I let
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  something like this happen? And not all of you
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  out there are in say a marriage You guys are
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  just in a relationship and you just don't know
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  how you got there And I want to stop at this
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  point and put a pin in that some of you are in
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  friendships out there And they are abusive as
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  well. You have a friend Say it's same sex even
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  opposite sex, but this person is a friend to
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  you and they are manipulating you You have known
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  this person maybe since grade school or maybe
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  you know them in the workplace and you have thought
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  they were a person that has always been to you
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  but there has always been some kind of back -ended
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  type of slap That you've experienced in that
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  relationship meaning it seems like it's good
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  but then you see a part that says hey this is
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  not so great but yet you continue on instead
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  of putting an end to this relationship and a
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  lot of times you don't put an end to it is because
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  your senses have been dulled you have thought
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  to yourself well people are not perfect I need
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  to just accept this person for who they are for
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  the most part they do this and this good well
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  That is the wrong thing to do and what you have
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  instead decided to do is engage and build on
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  unhealthy relationships I can't emphasize enough
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  to you how taking back this kind of control in
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  your life is just imperative because when we
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  allow people in our lives And we have a unhealthy
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  boundary where they are disrespecting us. They're
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  acting abusively. They're demeaning us. They're
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  putting us down. When we allow that kind of abuse,
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  we are tearing down ourselves. We are tearing
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  down our souls and our own being in a way. We
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  are walking into just a defeated lifestyle. So
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  Let's take the power back today. If there are
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  those of you out there or you know someone out
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  there that's in an abusive relationship and they're
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  not doing anything because they have become numb
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  to the red flags, let's empower them to help
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  to get the power back. So let's stop a moment
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  and talk about some red flags. I mentioned they
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  are subtle. It starts out with maybe a comment
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  that is just demeaning. Maybe it's a tearing
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  apart of what you are working on or what you're
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  building on, what your dreams are. In fact, when
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  you share your dreams and your goals and your
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  ambitions, they are tearing apart at it. In fact,
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  they're making conversations about them. everything
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  is going toward building them up and you helping
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  them but there's no balance and when you don't
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  have balance in a relationship it fails one person
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  may succeed but the other person becomes defeated
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  recently I had a conversation with a young woman
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  And all she wanted to do was get married and
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  she was married at this time. She was telling
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  me her story. However, in the course of her sharing
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  this story, she explained a few different things.
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  One of them is how she likes to pay for things
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  in the relationship because she feels that, you
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  know, even though her husband can pay, she's
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  just very independent. All right. Marriage is
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  about Balance. There's a posture for women, and
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  I'll speak about that at a later time. But in
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  this particular scenario, this is not good. While
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  she has taken on the burden, because she is just
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  so happy, apparently, to be married, and she
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  calls it her independence, there's no balance
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  here. There has to be a balance in a relationship
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  give and take right? Let's share these expenses
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  Let's do this together or you do this one and
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  I do this one even for some of you couples That
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  are out there. You could even be living together
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  There should be a balance Now in that scenario
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  the red flag would be he lets her he lets her
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  pay for everything all the time There's no balance
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  there It should be give and take in that scenario.
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  Now, in another example, I know a woman and when
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  she started to explain her marriage to me, I
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  thought this is a long, long time to endure an
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  abusive person. So in this case, the husband
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  likes to say a lot of derogatory comments and
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  put her down. Then, He turns around and blames
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  it on his health situation. She forgives. It
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  goes forward. It doesn't stop. It's a repeat
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  process. So you have to say at what point are
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  you going to get counseling and get some self
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  -care going for this relationship because it's
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  tearing you both apart. And hey, I'm giving scenarios
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  on ladies, but there's some scenarios for the
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  men too. I know a situation where a man just
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  gets verbally abused by the wife's family all
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  the time. This happened before they got married.
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  Subtle things. So if we look at some of these
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  red flags, before we get in that final commitment
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  of marriage, we can stop it. These are things
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  to think about. Some people are so happy to be
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  in a relationship, so happy to be married, that
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  they forget the self -care. And when you let
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  go of having self -care, all of these red flags,
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  you're numb to, and it becomes an abusive cycle.
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  Now, I want to add the employer situation. Some
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  people... the workplace today are taking so much
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  verbal abuse from their managers or things to
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  that nature they don't know how to stop it they
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  need their jobs they don't know how to stand
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  up for themselves they don't know how to do anything
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  because they have become numb to the workplace
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  they think they have no rights and they think
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  that the garbage that these managers today because
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  a lot of them they're not trained and they're
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  bringing their own baggage into the workplace
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  that they have to take it. No, you don't have
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  to take it even in that instance. There is always
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  a mechanism to deal with things in the workplace
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  and to deal with things in life. So This is just
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  the start of these conversations. We're going
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  to revisit red flags again in this same series
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  and talk about it because a lot of you I know
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  want to hear about how to get a healthy life
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  going again. How can you be healthy, think healthy
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  thoughts, do healthy things, and then pay it
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  forward to others. This is the end of this episode.
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  I thank you all for joining me again. And until
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  the next time, I wish you all a very good week.